Alone (2015–…): Season 8, Episode 5 - The Buck - full transcript

♪

- what's the *bleep*?

The mouse chewed right
straight through my bowstring.

- My hope of having

a good deer hunting spot
are crushed.

- if I can't bring
a fixed blade with me,

cause I chose the multitool
then I just have to forge one.

It's almost done.

- I'm just gonna sit
for a second.

I am so dizzy and nauseous.

I am afraid that
I poisoned myself.



- This is jordan.
I am officially tapping out.

I find myself continuingly
thinking of my daughter,

but the difference is,
at home,

I can look into the eyes
of my wife,

I can look into the eyes
of my son.

And I see a part of her there,

and that soothes me
and that comforts me,

and I don't have that here.

♪ ♪

male narrator: In "alone's"
most terrifying location yet,

ten participants face
the deadliest predator

in north america.

- There he is right there.

- Grizzly bears.
- Hey, bear.



- There are a lot
of grizzly here.

I'm gonna have to live
with them.

- Go on! Get!

- Every second we're on
the land, we're being hunted.

- Holy *bleep*, mountain lion.

- He's circling around
my shelter.

Narrator:
Bone-chilling cold...

- Winter is coming.

- You combine the wind
with the rain and the cold,

this place could make
the arctic look easy.

- Oh, *bleep*.

Narrator:
And complete isolation.

- You cannot hide
from yourself

mentally and emotionally.

- Ah!

- There's no place to go.

- I am suffering
from loneliness.

Narrator: Who will survive?

- Yes! Yes!

- This could be the end.

- I don't want to tap,
but I don't want

to die either.

- You have to suffer
before you can succeed.

narrator:
The last one standing wins.

- At what point
do I push the button?

♪ ♪

- I had a really strange
dream last night.

So...

I'm sitting outside of
a restaurant with joe rogan,

and howard stern walks up
and sits down.

Before they go in,
howard turns to me and said,

"hey, why don't you come over
to my house later on?

"bring the boys.

I've got two.
They'd get along fine."

and I said, "all right, man.
Sounds good."

that's it.

the belt's really
tightening up.

It's a little concerning.

I've been fishing
several times,

but nothing.

♪ ♪

oh, yes--

aw, damn it.

Take it, take it.
Take it, take it.

Oh...Aw.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on.

Son of a bitch.

Fishing is supposed
to be relaxing.

It's the most stressful fishing
I've ever done.

♪ ♪

the closest deep water

where I think the fishing
would be decent is

a quarter-mile down
to the big rock.

So today, I'm gonna start
on a landing net.

I just need something
to dip down in there

and get those fish because

I'm gonna end up losing them
if I don't have a net.

Alder wood.

I need some alder wood.

♪ ♪

this is not the area

that I was hoping it would be.

Yeah, that'll work.

♪ ♪

my chances of killing a deer
are very low.

♪ ♪

the more I think about it,
I don't know if those deer

are gonna be down here

until late with this weather
being so mild.

And so fishing maybe
the ticket for me here.

I think I'll give this net
to koi when I get back.

He'd like that.

I have to make fin something.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

there we go.

I'm gonna lay the net.

Ready to rock and roll.

Man, yeah!

♪ ♪

the fish ain't gonna know
what hit them.

♪

all right.

Let's try it out.

I think the lake level
came up some.

I've gotta be careful.

♪

no, don't do that!

yeah.

♪

thought it was gonna sink
for a minute.

You have to be careful...

About that stuff.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

come on, fishy, fishy.

♪ ♪

nada.

♪ ♪

I need food.

I don't know how far
this thing is going.

It could go over 100 days.

Oh, *bleep*.

There are some very
strong-willed people here,

people that are not going
to give up easily,

and I cannot out-starve
anyone.

♪ ♪

- freshwater snails.

It's gonna be
an interesting meal.

Gonna have some snails.

wow, really crunchy.

Not much meat to speak of,
but...

Hmm.

Not a bad flavor.

It reminds me a little bit
of clams...

With a lot of grit.

♪

I've been fishing a lot.

I haven't been successful,

and I don't wanna give up.

So I'm gonna do a fish trap.

I've been eating a lot
of random stuff:

Ants, crickets,

lots of edibles,
but it's not enough.

I need fish.

♪ ♪

all right, the funnel
that'll lead them inside.

Pretty small hole, but

those fish are pretty thin

there in the shallows.

I hope it works.

♪ ♪

I'm here to win it.

And I'm doing this for mike.

My husband has a brother.

He has down syndrome

and he lives with us a month
out of the year.

When they asked me, you know,

"what would you do
with the money?"

I said,
"we would have mike more."

$500,000, that would allow him
to live with us full-time.

♪ ♪

and he's so amazing.

He's our guy.

Yeah, there we go.

♪ ♪

feeling a little more hopeful
about fishing.

♪ ♪

out here, you do have to just

keep, keep trying--
keep trying new things.

If it's not working,
try something else.

♪ ♪

I feel like I can be here.

I just need a way to get food.

Okay.

♪ ♪

- we got the line,
we got the lures,

we got the stuff,
we got the me.

Let's go, chad!

♪ it's time to go fishing ♪

♪ 'cause it's gonna be fun ♪

♪ I'm gonna see some fishes ♪

♪ and I'll catch everyone ♪

♪ in my pot tonight ♪

♪ 'cause I'm gonna
cook you up ♪

♪ and I'm gonna catch you,
right ♪

♪ and I'm gonna do it, what ♪

oh, it's not too windy.

♪ ♪

I'm in such a brutal area
for fishing.

I've got one reasonably close
deep channel,

and my strategy is lures.

They say there's a fine line
between fishing

and standing on the shore
like an idiot,

so I'm gonna see
which one it is.

Oh, oh! Oh, I had a bite.

Oh, oh, oh! Oh, snag.

please don't snag.

I don't want to go in!

But I don't wanna lose it!

♪ ♪

whew, man!
I'm sucking right now.

♪ ♪

oh, it's cold.
It's cold.

♪ ♪

aw, it's deep.

♪ ♪

there we go.
I got it.

♪

wow.

I'm gonna get back at it.

I'm not gonna give up.

I don't just need a fish.

I need a win,

for my mental state.

♪ ♪

I'm thinking about my wife
today,

since it's her birthday.

Just, uh, feeling it
a little bit.

Feeling the remoteness
from my family.

♪ ♪

*bleep*!

From my normal life.

Feeling a little defeatist.

But remembering to stay
in the moment more.

That's what it's gonna take
for me to win this.

♪ ♪

oh, yeah. Yes!

Yeah!

Yes!

Oh, it's tiny.

You are not getting away,
my friend.

Oh, I'm gonna eat you
in a stew.

Pretty. It's pretty.

♪

I'm imagining one
of the other contestants

with a big-ass fish,

and here I am

with a tiny little fifth
of a pounder.

♪ ♪

I mean, he's tiny.

Let's not--
let's not build this up

to a hero kind of ordeal.

This is no hero fish.

♪ ♪

all right.
Let's eat this soup.

♪ ♪

roast up these bones.

Who knew that roasted bones,

so good?

Of course, I just talked
about how great that meal is,

and I'm already, like, hungry.

♪ ♪

well chad,

you can't win them all.

I'm gonna do my meditation,

'cause I think it's time.

I think it's that time of day.

♪ ♪

I'm like,

judging my whole life.

I'm afraid that people
will look and say

that this person
doesn't have skill level.

I mean, this is
what I do professionally.

Like, I get paid
to teach survival skills.

And I'm, like, out here, and

it's just been all my failures
in front of the world.

So I'm doing these meditations
where I meet up with my wife.

She's the one with the mental
and emotional fortitude

in the family.

and I can feel her energy.

I can feel her presence
strongly.

I miss her bad.

♪ ♪

- there she is.

A work of art.

The mountain-forged nail knife.

Quick in the hand.

I used some snare wire.

Fashioned a little guard,

a little blade stop.

Actually pretty strong 'cause
it's stainless steel wire.

Multi-layered.

See what you can do with a--

a rusty old nail
you find on shore.

let's try it out real quick.

♪ ♪

people are either gonna like
me, or they're gonna think

I'm the weirdest *bleep*
out there.

♪ ♪

all right.

♪ ♪

look at that.

I'm splitting wood with my...

Troll-forged knife.

That's pretty cool.

People will be like,
"biko sucked at getting food.

"but man, he forged that knife

"and he built
a pretty cool shelter, so

he's not totally worthless."

♪ ♪

I definitely expected
to catch a fish by now,

so it's been
kind of disheartening.

And it ain't even
gotten tough yet.

This is not an easy place
to survive.

♪ ♪

got to figure out fishing.

I'm gonna make a fish basket.

Try it out.
It could work.

♪ ♪

we shall use willow.

"willow."

what a great movie.

"out of the way, peck."

oh, I hope
I can catch a fish soon.

I'm gonna be sexy when
I get out of here, though.

No more fat biko,

or maybe I'll be malnourished
and weak.

♪ ♪

I wonder how everyone's doing.

I wonder
if anyone has tapped out.

A bunch of grizzly bears,
not a lot of food.

♪ ♪

come on, there's got
to be somebody

who's ready to go home.

Anyone got the time?

Is it other contestants
tap out o'clock yet?

I'm gonna do my best,
either way.

♪ ♪

damn, that's ugly.

♪ ♪

oh, well.

I don't have much care.

♪

♪

holy *bleep*!
Those are bears.

Grizzly bears.

Go on! Get!

♪ ♪

looked like a couple of cubs.

Hey!

♪ ♪

hopefully mama's not around.

♪ ♪

freakin' heart's racing.

they're a lot bigger
than I thought.

♪ ♪

got my adrenaline pumping.

♪ ♪

I've never been anywhere

where grizzlies exist,

so this is a first for me.

Knowing that these things
could cause serious harm

to you, it's a scary thought.

They're moving
through my area,

and it's something that's
in the back of my head

all the time.

♪ ♪

I got freakin' shoreline ptsd.

♪ ♪

I'm gonna go deploy
my fish trap.

Here we go.

Hopefully I don't run
into a grizzly.

♪ ♪

even with starvation

and grizzly bears coming
into my camp,

I just got to keep keeping on.

I've got a lot of weight
on me.

But if I'm gonna stay here
a long time,

I can't just starve
the whole time.

♪ ♪

I hope that as time goes on,

as I get things more set up
and more comfortable,

that I get more bold
in food production.

♪ ♪

- I kind of wanna have
a cook shelter.

It's a little bit of
protection for the fireplace.

It will be better
than being out

in the wind.

Whew!

I just feel really...

Just super weak.

♪ ♪

just get some more food in me.

Maybe that'll help.

♪ ♪

I'm still finding
tons of edibles,

but you have
to eat a lot of it.

It's just low-calorie food
and low fat.

♪ ♪

throw some...

Fireweed leaves in there.

Hopefully, there's something
in the fish trap.

Getting some fish soon
can give me enough energy

to sustain me.

I need some bigger meals

to be able to stay out here.

♪ ♪

so I have a confession
to make.

I've been so concerned
about salt, salt intake.

Like, we need, we need
daily salt intake.

Like, it's really critical for
all of your body functionings,

and I don't have
the salt source,

so I have been eating
my own mucus.

oh, my god.
That's so gross.

Yeah, so when my nose runs,

I just eat all the mucus,

and it is very salty.

It is much less salty
than it was at the beginning,

so I know I'm depleted,

but it kept me
from losing so much.

I feel really guilty
for all those kids I told

to stop picking their nose
and eating it all those--

all these years as a teacher.

Go ahead, kids.
Eat your own mucus.

Like--

oh, my god.

♪ ♪

you do a lot of
disgusting things out here

that, like, you just
would not ever think

that you're gonna do,

but you're really trying
to stay

in whatever way you can.

♪ ♪

I need to get food.

For me, fishing is
the only thing

that will sustain my tiny,

wiry body.

♪ ♪

okay, let's go down
and check our fish trap.

♪ ♪

I think the fish basket

is probably my best bet.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

I don't feel like
I'm in a very...

Sustainable pattern.

More fishing disappointment.

I just feel like I can't win,
you know?

and then, you're
right back down again.

Up and down.

♪ ♪

I don't really think of myself
as, you know, that hardcore.

But this is hardcore.

it's a big mental
and physical challenge.

For me, it's been
much more physical.

Just the lack of food.

My mind feels relatively

strong and clear.

♪ ♪

this is very challenging,
you know,

to keep going amidst setbacks.

♪

- I've got a mustache.

It's gigantic.

That's a mustache.

♪

I don't know how to groom it.

If I can get a handlebar...

♪ ♪

these guys.

♪ ♪

handlebar mustache.

♪ ♪

I need to remedy
my sleeping situation.

All right.

I've had two spine surgeries,

and sleeping on spruced boughs
and gravel

gets kind of rough.

Every day, I wake up,

and my whole left thigh
is numb.

♪ ♪

so I'm gonna make
a suspension hammock bed,

which takes me
completely off the ground

using rope I found
on the beach.

♪ ♪

not a lot.

Maybe it's just
under four feet.

What I'm gonna do

is make a stranded

woven bed

using this

as my supports.

♪

I don't know what box
to put myself in.

I'm not a survivalist.
I'm not a bushcrafter.

I'm barely a homesteader.

I bought 40 acres
and built a house on it.

♪ ♪

who thinks this is gonna work?

♪ ♪

I think it is.

For me, my skill set is that

I'm not afraid to try it

and I'm creative
at problem solving.

I seek out the challenge.

so if I desire
to do something,

I just do it.

It's just like buying 40 acres

and being told there's
no water in those hills

and moving your family
up there

and digging four holes in the
earth until you find water.

And then, I found water.

People would usually say
that's a scary situation,

but that's how I live my life.

♪ ♪

I didn't grow up with a dad.

And I learned a long time ago,

I'm the only one
that can stop me

from accomplishing anything.

I am.

♪ ♪

so, let's test it out.

♪ ♪

perfect.

This is gonna change

my sleeping.

Awesome.

And I'm off the ground.

beautiful.

♪

- so I'm totally breaking
every single safety protocol

in my handbook.

I'd say I'm about 40 feet up
in this spruce tree,

but, man,

check out this view
of the lake.

Isn't that fantastic?

I've been thinking
about my family a lot today.

It's not gonna help
keep me focused in the game,

but it's hard not to.

I love them, and I miss them.

♪ ♪

I'm doing everything that
I've been trained to do,

but I can't focus my mind
and my emotions enough.

Let's go, chad.

I just need to change
my mental approach to this.

Be here now.

Go to the survival mind,

'cause that survival mind
is not concerned

with your emotions.

It's not concerned
with your frustrations.

It's not concerned
with your mental hurdles.

It's only concerned with,

what is the most important
thing to keep me alive.

I keep feeling breezes
inside the debris hut,

and those are gonna be
not so much fun

when the temperature
really drops.

Being cold is
a big calorie burn,

and I can't afford that.

I have the least fat
of anybody on my body.

I don't have that much
to lose,

and if I'm burning calories
by shivering,

it's gonna be a bad situation.

♪ ♪

there's nice, soft,

cushy grasses here.

So I think that's gonna help

both for water shedding
and insulation.

♪ ♪

thank you, my friends.

Thank you.

The grasses, the mosses.

There's no such thing
as enough debris.

Oh, *bleep*.

hornets.

♪ ♪

mm-mm, don't get me.

Ah, *bleep*!

Ah, *bleep*.

Whoa!

*bleep*!

*bleep*!

It's the end of that.

Little bastards got me.

Look at them all.

♪ ♪

look, they're all over
my little pile here.

♪ ♪

got my handful from them.

well, that sucks *bleep*.

♪ ♪

let's go home, chad.

♪ ♪

this is
a very unique challenge.

You can't let
the negative thoughts

get the best of you.

Ah, *bleep*.

♪ ♪

gosh, what a blessing it is
to be here.

I mean, it's hard as *bleep*.

♪

it's hard to have failures
on television.

It's so hard on your mind
and your emotions,

so *bleep* hard.

Anytime I've ever done this,

it was for, like,
a week at a time,

but that was, like,
planned 10 days.

This is, like, unplanned,

who knows how the hell long
I'll be gone

from my family, and my life,
and blah, blah, blah.

And I don't care.

Anybody can judge me
all you want.

You are not out here doing it.

So who the hell are you
to judge?

Just sit there and eat
your popcorn and your chips

and get all fat

while I'm out here starving!

For your *bleep* entertainment!

♪ ♪

to entertain you.

I'm going *bleep* crazy
out here

to entertain you.

What the *bleep* is that?

*bleep*.

You're *bleep* sitting at home
eating right now!

You're not out here.
You're not out here.

Who the *bleep* are you
to judge?

♪ ♪

- my teeth are, like...

♪ ♪

like, totally discolored.

Like, I saw that
and I was like,

"what the hell?"

♪ ♪

I don't know,
something I'm eating

or just maybe
just the malnutrition.

I have no idea.

♪ ♪

right now,
it's really pretty dire.

The fish trap was
really discouraging.

♪ ♪

today, I might
kind of look around

'cause I've definitely
seen some grouse.

I need to get some food.

♪ ♪

and the bow.

I feel like I need to...

Cinch my pants again.

Thank goodness for these layers

or these pants would be

falling right off me.

♪ ♪

I know that I'm under
100 pounds at this point

and I know that this is
dangerous territory.

Okay.

Despite eating as much
as I possibly can

of a variety of weird *bleep*,

I'm trying my hardest to get
as many things into my body

as possible,
and it's not working.

If I can't get food,

then I can't--
I can't be here.

♪ ♪

take it easy.

I need to move quickly.

♪ ♪

grouse.

I've seen the scat
a couple of different times,

and they are near
my living area.

Let's just sit and listen
for a while.

Oh, wow.

♪ ♪

I'm just too skinny.

I was afraid
that losing weight,

it might, like, bring up stuff
from when I was young.

I had an eating disorder
for years,

and looking back,

it's so disturbing,

you know,
that punishment of self.

♪ ♪

I was plagued

with horrible thoughts
about myself.

I don't think
anybody deserves that.

♪ ♪

I'm just so glad

to have made that shift
years ago

into a different way of being
and thinking.

♪ ♪

I think it's become
a lot more important for me

to be healthy and strong.

♪ ♪

I'm gonna head back.

♪ ♪

you know, this body is
all we have.

So I think there's a level
for us all

of, you know, willingness
to push ourselves,

and, for me,

I'm not going to push myself

into any more of a danger zone
than I'm already in.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

okay.

♪ ♪

I start having
these chest pains.

Oh, boy.

No amount of glory is worth
harming yourself

to the level
that starvation can do.

I think this is enough.

I am officially tapping out.

♪ ♪

I made a moral decision

for my health and my future

that I have no trouble making.

But there's intense grief
with the loss of--

of what could have been.

♪ ♪

a picture of my guys.

There was the hope we'd have
the money to have mike, but...

♪ ♪

it's okay.

I love you guys.

♪ ♪

I'm coming home to you, honey.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- hi, michelle.
What's going on?

- Well...

I've been pretty beat up
by this place.

I just can't procure
enough food.

The hardest thing
about leaving this space,

I think, is the "what
could have been," you know?

If you had made
different choices,

maybe things would have aligned
in a different way.

But in terms of the experiences
I've had,

I feel really good about them.

I feel like
I'm taking a lot of...

Magic and heart with me.

♪ ♪

I took myself to a point

where any further,
and this could be really bad.

I know what it's like
to lose your health.

When I was young, it affected
every part of my life

and the quality of my life.

I felt like I was too far gone

to pull myself back up
into functionality.

Having a strong,
healthy body is

one of the greatest gifts that
you can have in this life.

♪ ♪

- ♪ a-bow hunting,
we shall go ♪

♪ a-bow hunting, we shall go ♪

I think am on
to something there.

I might develop that
a little more.

All right.

Wish me luck.

♪ ♪

it's so frustrating

to not be able
to catch a fish,

and so, I feel like
I need to focus on hunting.

That's really the only option
I have right now.

♪ ♪

this style of hunting
that I like is

a method of still hunting,

where you move
through the woods

very, very slowly.

♪ ♪

a large portion of the time,
you're just stopped

and you're looking and you're
listening for wildlife.

The littlest noise can mean

the presence of an animal.

the key is total awareness.

You have to be very present

and calm,

because if you have
other things on your mind,

you're not there.

You're not present.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

well, that's awesome.

Some fresh deer sign.

That gives me a little bit
of confidence

that we're gonna have
some deer here.

I've been struggling
a little bit.

That gives me something
to look forward to,

which is exactly
what I needed.

Maybe, you know,
I got a chance

to put a deer down.

That's good. That's...

That's really good.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- whoo.

I'm feeling
kind of ragged today.

A little worn.

Overall, kind of
rundown physically.

I need to step up
my food-gathering game,

so maybe instead of an hour
of grasses,

I'll go fishing.

I gotta get catching.
I gotta...

I gotta turn my luck around.

I need the food.
I just need the food.

That's all there is to it.

♪ ♪

so much crap to carry, chad.

So much crap to carry,
including you.

My trusty sidekick.

♪ ♪

my famous maker.

At this rate, you'll be
my infamous maker.

♪ ♪

I'm not living up to

what I want to live up to
as a survivalist.

It's important to me, chad.

It's super important to me.

You just don't understand,
do you?

How could you?

You're just
an inanimate damn object.

♪ ♪

I'm trying.

I'm doing everything
that I've been trained to do,

but my awareness is not
where it needs to be

personally, for me,
to be successful.

♪ ♪

just started realizing that

over the last 13 years now,

I've had my wife

to help keep me focused
on the right things.

So I'm gonna sing my song,
my wife's song.

Why not?

♪ ring ring goes
the dinner bell ♪

♪ all of mama's children come
a-running up ♪

♪ from the gut ♪

♪ to what she's put ♪

♪ on the table ♪

come on.
Catch a big boy.

♪ coal's still hot ♪

♪ and the sweet smell
of wood smoke ♪

♪ the three stones she uses ♪

♪ and the wood spoon
made from oak ♪

♪ daddy gets the firewood ♪

♪ ♪

♪ he washes off
in a cool gut stream ♪

♪ after climbing
a coconut tree ♪

♪ for his family ♪

♪ oh, what a sight to see ♪

♪ as he returns triumphantly ♪

♪ ♪

okay, that's it. Done.

♪ ♪

I've been gone for weeks now.

And what the hell,
I got a beautiful,

amazing family.

♪ ♪

that's more important in life

than winning a competition.

And they are not
gonna judge me.

So, go ahead.

Judge me all you want.

I'm ready for it.

good morning.
This is matt.

I am officially tapping out.

♪ ♪

oh, chad.

It was hard.
It was hard.

But you know what?

Family, friends,

the people around us is
more important than my ego.

And I think this

has made me a better person.

As hard as it is
professionally to quit...

Here they come, chadical.

It doesn't make me a failure.

It's just a failure.

And that's a huge difference
right there.

I've never allowed that
for myself.

This is the end of our time
together, chadster.

I will miss you.

I will totally miss you.

I'm ready to go.

Yeah, I mean, I had
an amazing experience.

And I realized that
I wasn't happy being alone

and I didn't wanna fight it.

I totally miss my family.

I totally miss my friends.

I totally miss my life.
I miss all of that.

And if people I want
to call it a failure,

then I accept that failure.

I don't wanna be driven
by the fear of judgment.

I wanna be driven
by what's in my heart.

♪ ♪

my ideals

have not matched my heart

for years now.

My ideals say

that the solo survivalist is

the ultimate
of the survivalists.

♪ ♪

but now, I'm realizing

that that's *bleep*.

♪ ♪

this ultimate survivalist
dies alone.

When he passes on,

his kids are alone.

♪ ♪

and even deeper than that,

I realized that family

is more important

than anything else.

♪ ♪

- well, let's see
if we can catch something.

Jacket make too much noise
in the bushes.

In case I happen to see one
of the three deer

that's around here.

Maybe two deer.

They ain't many.

That's for sure.

♪ ♪

I found one little ridge

where I can access that patch

where I was finding that fresh
deer sign yesterday evening.

♪ ♪

I tell you, things that

normally I wouldn't even

take a second glance

kind of wear you out

when you're not eating
every day.

♪ ♪

I'm seeing more fresh sign
in here.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- michelle, thanks
for being here with me.

- Thanks for having me.

- Everybody who's been
on "alone"

knows what it's like
to lose a lot of weight.

When did you realize
you were nearing the end?

- You know,
you look at your hands,

and you don't recognize them.

And your body becomes
a fearful thing.

You notice
you're losing weight,

but you're wearing
so many clothes

that you can kind of mask that
for a while.

And then, you see yourself
without clothes on,

and it's like--

I kind of washed myself,

and that's when I looked
at my body and went...

Yikes.

My mouth filled with
this sweet saliva taste

four days prior to me tapping,

and that's basically ketosis--

when your body's eating
whatever reserves it has--

so I knew--I knew things
were going downhill.

My inability to procure fish

was what led to me
having to tap.

- Let's talk about
your food gathering.

In a survival situation,
you have to be willing

to eat anything that other
people will not consider doing.

You were eating
ants, crickets, snails.

- I ate whatever I could.

But I found a little bit
of a fish carcass

along this trail.

I gathered whatever I could
find that I knew is edible,

and even maybe
some things that

are on the questionable side.

I wanted to get as much
varied nutrition as I could,

so I was definitely
pushing that envelope

of just trying anything
I could eat.

Mmm.

- You used the cow parsnip
stalk to blow on your fire.

But cow parsnip can give people
an allergic reaction.

What happened?

- I'm still not certain
exactly what it was

that was causing my illness,

but I did feel that
there was a connection

between the stalk
and the bouts of nausea

and pain I was having.

And so, when I was
putting that together,

I thought, "ooh, this--
maybe this isn't cow parsnip.

Maybe I hadn't
identified it correctly."

wow.

Water hemlock and cow parsnip
looked very similar

in their dead phases.

So then, I got
very concerned that

maybe I had poisoned
myself with water hemlock.

I'm worried that the tube

is, um, not cow parsnip.

- What was that like
being so sick and alone?

- I've spent a lot of time
in the wilderness by myself,

and honestly, that was
one of the scariest times

because I wasn't certain
what was going on.

I had another just
intense wave of...

Nausea.

I really had some panic

because I thought,
"oh, my gosh,

"I'm so far
from nearest hospital.

I could be
in deep trouble here."

I'm just gonna sit
for a second.

and there were moments where

I was just holding
the yellowbrick,

ready to push that button

in the event
of things getting worse.

And I came through
the other side, luckily.

- Yeah, you did.

- your bear experience
was epic.

There you were on the beach
calmly eating rose hips,

and this big, beautiful bear
comes swimming at you.

- No freakin' way.

It was again one
of those kind of surreal,

like, shocking moments.

And, you know, minding my
own business, eating rose hips,

and all of a sudden,
I'm like, "oh, my gosh.

There's a bear right there."

it's gonna dock up
into brush in here.

And then, I'm like, "okay,
how do I feet out of here?"

you know, get, you know,
with all my gear and my stuff.

And so, I was able to do that

to kind of just
let him continue,

and then he caught a fish
right then.

He's got a freaking
giant fish in his mouth.

- You must have just wanted
to rush out there

and grab that thing
right out of his mouth.

- I went and got my pot

and followed him,
hoping for scraps.

- You were like a raven
walking behind him.

- absolutely.

But he left me nothing.
- Aw.

I can't imagine how you felt
in that moment.

- Super disappointed.

I was like--really thought

I was gonna get some
nice chunks of fish,

so...Yeah.

- What will you remember most
about this beautiful place?

- Aw, the beauty,
the promise of each day.

It's just
an extra ordinary gift,

and every single day
I was out there,

I felt like the luckiest person
in the world.

I believe we carry the stories

that we've lived with us,

but we also carry the places.

They have this impact on us,

and, you know,
that changes you,

and it's with you forever.

- Michelle, thanks so much
for sharing your story.

It was a pleasure to meet you.

- So nice to meet you too,
nikki.

♪ ♪

- now, I have the shakes.

I'm feeling nauseous.

- it's pulling all the air in
from over there,

just bringing the smoke inside.

I'm gonna end up
asphyxiating myself tonight.

- Something has been here.

It tore up my fire pit.

hey, bear.

- Let's read
my personal rules list.

Don't push the tap button.

♪ ♪

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.