Alone (2015–…): Season 8, Episode 4 - Far from Home - full transcript

[dramatic music]

- I don't plan to be here
for three weeks.

I plan to be here
for three months.

But I want a nice home
in which to live.

Brilliant.

- What am I gonna find out
about myself?

That's the biggest thing,
is to see if I am the man

that I think I am.

Oh, yeah. That is a bull trout.

- My boat is a high risk.

This could be a decision



that costs me
the whole experience.

It's tippy as hell.

Hey, bear!
[bear growls]

- if I don't succeed,

have I just put
a speed bump in life?

Come on! Come on!

[laughing]
yeah!

Unbelievable!

narrator: In "alone's"
most terrifying location yet,

ten participants face
the deadliest predator

in north america...

- There here is, right there.

- Grizzly bears. Hey, bear!

- There's a lot
of grizzly here.



I'm gonna have to live
with them.

- Go on! Get!

- Every second
we're on the land,

we're being hunted.

- Holy *bleep*, mountain lion.

- He's circling
around my shelter.

Narrator:
Bone-chilling cold...

- Winter is coming.

- You combine the wind
with the rain and the cold,

this place could make
the arctic look easy.

- Oh, *bleep*.

Narrator:
And complete isolation.

- You cannot hide
from yourself,

mentally and emotionally.

- Ahh!
- There's no place to go.

- I am suffering
from loneliness.

Narrator: Who will survive?

- Yes! Yes!

- This could be the end.

- I don't want to tap,
but I don't want to die either.

- You have to suffer
before you can succeed.

- [retches]

narrator:
The last one standing wins.

- At what point
do I touch the button?

- hmm, I'm gonna set that
over here

'cause that'll definitely dry.

Smoking the underwear
might not be all bad.

One more try
at warming my butt up,

and then I'll have
my cup of tea.

All right.

It's mostly my butt
that's cold.

today is--it's a windy day.

It's not a day
to think about fishing,

so we will get back
to working on the shelter.

Cool, so I guess the best
analogy for this, then,

is that we've basically
framed the house,

and now we get to shingle.

We're gonna go around
and collect

all of the big sheets of bark

that are just lying
on the forest floor.

all over is this fir.

When it dies, it leaves
these big huge sheets of bark,

which is pretty awesome.

So when I say shingle,

this is what I mean.

- the one limitation that I've
probably most often run into

in sort of these long-term
living situations

would be my size,

and it is an advantage
in the sense that, you know,

you can function on a fairly
low number of calories,

lower than perhaps
bigger people require.

However, it does limit
how much you can carry,

how many trips you need to do.

You know,
you need to do five trips

when someone else can do two.

It limits how much
physical activity

you can really knock out
in a day.

these shingles
will have to overlap,

but we start at the bottom
and go all the way around,

and then we do
another layer halfway up,

and then we put pine duff on

to fill in
any of the fragments,

provides a little bit
of insulation.

there's so many reasons
I want to make a pit house.

They are incredibly efficient
at keeping in heat,

and I cannot play
fattest-man-wins game.

I need a house where,
when I'm in it,

no extra calories
are being burned

because if you have
a lot of wind on your fire,

it just eats through firewood.

Oof.

All right,
so if I sit on the stair,

you can sort of see
the skylight and the interior.

And then this is
our next big project:

The fireplace and chimney.

That's definitely in the cards,

but that is a bloody fantastic
day's work.

That's what that is.

- here it comes.

lovely.

get some vitamin d released

in this tiny patch of skin.

it's amazing.

I feel like I'm back in hawaii,

yet a lot colder and windier.

it's been five days since
I've had any meat at all,

and I want to fish,
but the wind is relentless.

I can't get my set lines
to stay out

because the waves just
push them right back to shore.

I need to get
my line out further,

so I have an idea for a pier.

The longest driftwoods

that I see on my beach
are about 30 feet,

so my plan is to build
something where I can

just walk out at least 25 feet
and drop a line.

That offers me potential
in bad weather.

I can go out
on my pier anytime,

and I need deep water
come winter

because the fish
are gonna push off.

They're not gonna stay
in the shallows.

very nice.

Nice for a pier-sized peg.

I want to utilize engineering

instead of just building
with logs

and trying to tie that
together with cordage,

so I want to put together
kind of a dovetail peg system.

one done! I like it.

Next!

[as arnold schwarzenegger]
get to the chopper!

[shouts as arnold]

my son does a better
arnold impression.

I have a wonderful family
of seven,

my wife and five kids.

When I'm successful
at this challenge

and I get the money,

we can set sail, literally.

My wife has the idea
that we'll buy a boat

and we'll hit the seas.

That would be awesome.

I reckon that's deep enough
to catch a fish.

All right.

I'll give you one guess
which way the wind's blowing.

Let's straighten it out.

Nope.

It just comes right off
of those snow-covered

glacier mountains.

I'm debating on waiting
another day for the winds

and waves to calm down
to set this.

That's the logical thing to do.

- can you see it behind me,
over my shoulder?

I can't tell,
but it's back there.

Right about here.

Maybe here? No. Here.

You can see my boat
in the background.

Sweetness.

I've been working
on building a boat.

It's floating great,
seems pretty solid,

but it's not stable.

It's very tippy,
so I built outriggers

so I have something
coming off the boat

that gives stability.

So it's another point
of contact on the water,

so if you lean one way
or lean the other,

you have now multiple holds
touching the water,

and they give you kickback,
and they hold you up.

All right.

You ready
for the finished product?

I built these outriggers
just like I built the boat,

so I have a frame,
a fir frame,

and I have ribs that are
of alder, green alder,

and thankfully,
I had scrap tarp material

to cover it with.

Let's go get on the water.

I think boats are a high-value
and a high-risk entity.

It is very dangerous
to be out here,

but if this works
and it's dependable and safe,

I think
it's gonna give me an edge

because I can get to places

where the fish are migrating
or moving through,

so I'm not just limited
to the bank.

Oh!

yeah!

we're stable.

We're cruising.

Yes, yes, yes.

whoo!

yes, yes, yes, yes.

big success.

Love it.

that was awesome.
I'm gonna enjoy this moment.

I haven't showered
since I've been out here.

I want to get in the water
so bad and clean myself.

I love this lifestyle,

living by the earth
and the land.

Oof!

The pride and the fulfillment
when things work,

when your shelter works,
when your boat works,

when your bow drill works.

it gives you so much joy,

and I want to keep living it.

Whoo!
[laughs]

oh, that's refreshing.

oh.

Holy, *bleep*.

There's a grizz
walking down the beach.

hey, bear! No!

[dramatic music]

- hey, bear!

hey, bear!
[clapping]

hey!

He hasn't even stopped.
He's still walking this way.

hey, bear! No!

I can't believe
I'm *bleep* naked,

and a bear is freaking
right there.

I'm gonna have fire
some bangers.

[popping]

nothing.

It's not good.

Hey, bear! No!

man, I just got my boat done,

and I don't want him
to shred it.

hey, bear!

No!

no!

*bleep*. He's coming.

[popping]

come on.

Get out of here.

hey, bear! No!

hey, bear!

I'm over here!

[claps]

nothing I seem to do
seems to scare him off.

hey, bear!

[clapping]

hey, bear!

ah, *bleep*! Hey!

[claps]

hey, bear!

Hello!

[popping]

I think he's out of here.

Holy *bleep*. That was insane.

I need to get clothes on.

the bear encounter today
definitely got me

taking it
a little more seriously.

he didn't really care about me
yelling, throwing rocks.

Even the bear bangers,
he was pretty indifferent.

I'm in his territory,
and I'm the foreigner here,

and he just put me
in my place.

Literally, if it decided
for some reason--

it was hungry,
it was stressed,

it was distressed--

there's nothing stopping it.

If it wanted to
at that moment,

your life is gone.

- [sighs]

no fish this morning,
but luckily,

I've still got
plenty of smoked trout.

Just look at that.

All these nice, thin strips.

It is so unbelievably good.

It doesn't need any seasoning
or anything.

I've never wired together
a stick door before.

So it's all a little new to me.

I've got a real cabin.
I want a real door.

Psychologically,
I don't want to feel like

I'm on a camping trip.

Oh, yeah.

I want someplace
that feels like home,

something that has
permanence to it.

I just feel like
it's gonna help me

stick around long-term.

Now I need to make some hinges
for the wall,

which is not easy considering

I don't have any way
to drill a hole,

so I'm going to get
creative with that.

in typical fashion,
I had not preplanned anything.

I just know I want
a door on hinges.

then I realized
that I could use my saw

to cut a notch

and continually widen
that notch

to create
almost, like, a hole,

but it would work for a hinge.

It's like that?

I was able to find
some alder branches around

that have 90-degree bends
that I wired onto the door.

Alder is very strong
for its size,

and it has a little bit
of flex to it,

so it's not going to break.

it's not the most elegant...

But I have a door.

As I'm putting
all this together,

I'm constantly thinking, like,

"what if my wife
was out here?"

well, she would want it
neat and clean,

and she would want a place
to hang things.

She would want something nice.

all right.
I'm gonna make a door latch.

I'm thinking
I can make a latch

that will go in and turn
and lock behind the logs.

yeah.

There we go.

Did I spend way too long on it?

Absolutely I did,
but here is my door.

Knock, knock. Can I come in?

Okay. Cool.

Look at that.

It's actually
pretty *bleep* kickass.

- it was about 10:00
last night.

I don't know why I woke up,
for some reason.

That's rare.

But dead calm.

No wind. No waves.

It stayed that way all night
until about 6:30.

And then it just
started blowing,

and the waves started crashing,

so I think we're just
gonna go for it.

That means
we're putting the pier in,

wind or waves be damned.

I've got to get off
this shoreline to catch fish.

I'm running down
on my last bit of body fat.

If I get the pier planks
on it,

that should be enough
to hold everything in place,

and then I can
shimmy out there

and set a set line.

Then we'll start
catching fish.

it's a 1,000 foot deep lake.

Glacier-fed,

so the temperature
is insanely cold.

[exhales deeply]

[grunts]

[exhales sharply]

oh.

[grunting]

*bleep*.

what the *bleep*?

*bleep*.

damn.

I made a mistake,
which led to a failure.

Forgot to put that joist,
that little pressure joist,

at the top of those leans,

forcing the middle one tighter
so it wouldn't fall out.

And it fell out.
I bumped it, and it fell out.

I knew it.

I picked it up, and I knew it,

but I was already down
to nothing,

so I forced it, and I should've
stopped, got dressed.

it's silly.

silly.

I think the biggest fear

we face, usually,
is the fear of failure,

and I think that holds
a lot of people back.

If you don't accept failure
as a part of your journey,

then you'll never
find success.

I appreciate the failure

because that's the only lesson
you're actually gonna learn,

and I know
how to handle failure,

to be optimistic.

Do you give up
after your first failure?

I don't.
I don't give up at all.

so I've got some work to do...

Before I do that again.

- I'll be so happy.

I'll stay forever.

Pretty much, if I have a bed
and a dry spot,

I'm in general
pretty damned happy,

so I'm gonna attempt
to make the bed.

We'll start with the frame.

This post is just
the right height.

I'm gonna lash this all down

so they don't move around
all the time.

good.

I have been in the outdoors,

rather immersed in it,
from the time I was a child.

I'm originally from wyoming,

from a tiny town
called lander.

so I'm sure that you have
noticed my accent

is not exactly from wyoming.

I have lived now in England
for 11 years,

long enough to sound funny
in both places.

I don't sound american
to americans.

I do not sound british
to british people either.

They're not quite sure
what I am or where I'm from,

but it's not fooling anyone.

everything is golden,
and then we cover the bed

in grass and then pine boughs,
and then we have a bed.

It's a usable bed
at this point.

It just needs
the squishy bit put on now.

Yeah.

I feel--I feel odd.

Actually, it's been
a really long time

since I felt this feeling,

but I think I'm potentially

a little bit homesick
right now.

and I'm not 100% sure,
for me, what that means.

Like, what home
am I longing for?

I need to, I think, acknowledge
the fact that I miss something

from back in my other life,

my life before "alone."

[laughs]

[humming soft melody]

♪ ♪

♪ I am just ♪

♪ a lonely soul ♪

♪ so where, I ask ♪

♪ shall I call my ♪

♪ home? ♪

[chuckles]

[dramatic music]

- good morning.

[yawns]

I had some food dreams
last night.

Oh, that's terrible.
This early?

Ay.

[scoffs]

I was in a football tournament,

and they had a room...

That everybody could go to
and just...

[laughs]

eat all they wanted.

Aww.

[yawns]

so I'm trying to block it out,

try and get some food
of my own out here.

mom told me before I left,

the last thing was to look
at the moon,

and know I'm looking
at the same thing.

We'll be looking
at the same time.

I really want to make
my mom and dad proud.

They've always loved
and supported me.

They're my biggest fans.

I want to do well for them.

oh, yeah.

I've got a lot of faith
in this boat.

this boat is amazing.
I love it. It's solid.

The outriggers
are working perfect.

I feel like
I can go anywhere now,

so I'm gonna go for it.

going for a white fish.

my dad and I used to fish
bull trout in oregon.

Spent a lot of hours
trolling with my dad,

days and days of my life.

I'd love to be trolling
with him.

I got a hit.

fish today, baby. Fish today.
Come on, fish. Let's do it.

holy *bleep*.
I might have done it.

Yes! Yes, yes!

dang it! *bleep*! Ah!

Ahh! So close.

my dad is what got me
into this lifestyle.

He introduced me
at a young age

to the outdoors,

into hunting, into fishing,

eating wild game,
being outdoors, camping.

And I loved it. This is life!

I've been out here
for at least three hours.

I've had four bites,
no hook-ups, no fish.

I connect with my body
through this lifestyle.

I connect with my mind
and my heart

more than any other
living situation

I've ever had in my life.

it's physically, emotionally,
intellectually,

socially more stimulating
than the alternative.

yes!
It came off right in the boat.

Ha, ha!

Hey.

Hey, I'll take it.
I'll take it. Yes!

oh, thank you, fish.

God, I needed a fish today.

I needed a fish today.

I am gonna invest
all in right now on fish

because I think that's
the best use of my calories.

That's the best use
of my time.

I'm gonna go fish.

All right, just need to catch
one a day for the next 80 days.

this boat is not gonna have
a single focus.

I am gonna troll
out of this boat.

I'm gonna jig
out of this boat.

I'm gonna anchor up
in this boat.

I'm gonna set fish traps
at 20 feet, 30 feet,

50 feet, 100 feet.

I'm gonna spend
a lot of time in this boat.

Let's go eat some fish.

- I've heard what a great smoke

this kinnikinnick is.

And I don't smoke,

but I figured
I'd give it a shot,

so I'm gonna take
this random piece of driftwood,

and I'm just gonna make a pipe

or attempt to make
a little pipe out of it,

and I've got two cameras
just in case I cut myself.

Double the fun.

mentally,
the biggest strategy for me

is keep my hands busy,

keep building things,
keep working on things,

and that will keep
my mind distracted

away from what's going on
back home.

I guess I got to bore down
a hole

with which to put tobaccy.

there's probably better options
than to stab

right through my quad.

I have to not allow myself
to think about those things

because if I think
about my wife and my son

and make that the pinnacle
of why I'm out here

and really push
to succeed for them,

then my constant thoughts
about them

will make me miss them

and will distract me
from surviving.

Not a bad little pipe.

Let's get that kinnikinnick out
and pack it up.

I need to be mentally strong

because I have been presented

with a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity.

It's pretty crumbly.

And if I don't win,

I feel like I'd be doing
a disservice to my family.

That $1/2 million
would allow me

to pay off
all of our bills

and have money left over.

that would allow me
to work even less

and spend even more time
with my family.

that's not bad.

Huh!

All right. What's up next?

[squirrel chittering]

- there he is.

[mimicking squirrel chittering]

[squirrel chitters]

we say hello every morning.

So...

If you believe
that you can talk to animals,

meaning communicate your
thought energy in your sound

or in your voice,

do you think
that if you mean no harm,

they can read that?

I'd like to believe so.

I'd like to believe
I'm sending good vibes out

to the local wildlife.

Unfortunately, the vibes that
I'm sending out to the grouse

and the hare is
that I want to eat them,

and therefore, they're like,
"I'm gonna avoid that man."

I tried asking the eagle this
morning to bring me a fish,

but he didn't turn around.

I have an idea.

For pier number one,

I chose just to block it
like lincoln logs

and then put a middle brace
between it,

but I realized
that was my fail point,

and my initial h is pegged.

It's fantastic, solid,

so I decide to peg
my supports into the main.

we're on mission set
right now, which is find food.

So do everything we can
to get food,

and that includes
beat the elements.

all right. It's time.

beautiful.

when you're in the wild

and you're in
a survival situation,

if you don't have the ability
to pivot

when things don't go
the way you planned,

then it's gonna be a struggle,

and that's where I think
creative problem-solving

comes into play.

this is a huge
stepping-stone for me,

to be able to walk out 25 feet

because I know
there's gonna be fish.

This is where
I start thriving.

oh, wow.

Awesome.

[dramatic music]

- seaweed.

I'll start small, just eat one.

Hmm.

It's crunchy.

Yeah, it doesn't taste good.
Mm-mm.

It's time to get back to work.

I'm having
zero success fishing.

I need to really finish
the fish basket.

Since I can't catch
a larger trout,

I can hopefully get some
smaller fish with this basket

and maybe cook those up
and make a stew out of those.

I'm gonna wrap this
with cordage just to make sure

it stays the shape that I want.

A fish basket has two baskets,

a smaller basket
inside of a larger basket.

It's a cone shape,
and once they swim into it,

they can't figure out
how to turn around

and swim back out
the same hole

that they came in.

Yeah, I think that's gonna be
all right there.

I'm not really
that far into it,

and I've already lost
quite a bit of weight,

so I have to get some food.

I have to find a better way
to get a fish.

This lake is just
extremely difficult.

I can't get my line
out far enough.

My lures aren't working.

I have to get food soon.

If I don't,
I can't keep enough weight on.

There's so much I wanted to do
and make while I was here,

but I feel like I'm forced
to get things done

so that I can get food.

I knew coming in here

that I move so fast
through life

that my thoughts don't really
get to catch up with me.

Ah, it's gonna have
to have a rock on it.

I think that if you want
to clear your mind

and sort things out,

the wilderness is definitely
the place to do that.

I need to it to be
out there way farther.

all I keep thinking about
is my family.

My children are
so worried about me.

It's like they're my parents.

I think because of the things
that I went through,

been through a lot of ups
and downs

and some very rough
situations in my life,

and I think they just don't
want to see me get hurt,

but all of those
different situations,

I just learned to adapt.

Okay, the fish basket
is submerged.

I'm very resilient.

Nothing is gonna
knock me off my path.

I'm just gonna pick myself up,
and I'm gonna keep going.

And I always come back
even stronger than I was.

[stomach growls]

- that's the benefit to having
a mustache like a walrus.

It filters everything
out of your water.

All the large stuff.

The only problem
is kissing the wife.

Maybe I'll shave my beard off
when I go home.

let's go see if there's a fish.

Oh, my god. Think I got a fish!

look at that.

easy, fella.

that's a rainbow.

rainbow trout.

It's promising.
That's what that is.

cooking up
this tiny little guy.

So we're gonna eat
every single piece of him,

for sure.

I'm excited.

it's not gonna take much
to get this guy done.

♪ ♪

wonderful.

that was his tail.

told you.

Every piece.

all the way down to the lips.

I know who I am,
and I don't have any doubt

about my capability
to succeed in a challenge.

Wow.

That was a fast, fast meal.

I'm just an out-of-the-box
thinker and problem-solver.

Perfect.

And I'll figure out
a way to succeed,

and I don't have that quit
in me when there's a struggle.

[dramatic music]

[insect buzzes]

- oh, yeah,
bug right in the eye,

right when I'm about to talk.

Mm.

While I'm waiting
for my boiled water to cool,

I'm gonna put the one final

most important touch
on the cabin,

and that is
our family initials.

so I'm gonna put that
on the ridge beam,

j, j, o, a.

we put that on everything.

That's inscribed
on our wedding bands.

My wife inscribed it
on my ax handle.

it's on everything.

Now the o is going to be
the fun one,

all curve.

that's better.

now the cabin is complete.

Julia, jordon, odin, aura,

the initials of my wife,

myself, my son,
and my daughter.

[sighs]

I just had a moment

thinking about my daughter,

and it gets easier

as time goes on,

but I still have

waves of grief
that come over me.

now, I'm a very private person.

I don't have a lot of friends.

I don't talk to a lot of people
about personal things,

and very few people

know the details
of what I'm about to say.

My daughter was born
with a heart defect,

and by the time
she was two weeks old,

she had had two
open heart surgeries.

When she was six months old,

she had another
open heart surgery

that lasted over ten hours,

and every six months
after that,

she had catheter procedures

where they would balloon
her arteries.

Her long-term prognosis
was good through childhood,

and yet
we unexpectedly lost her

before she turned four.

but the most painful things

to deal with,

the most painful memory

are the echoes

of the good times

that are no longer there.

it wasn't her passing.

It wasn't the trauma
of surgeries.

It was the good times
that are no longer there.

she was the most dynamic,

most vibrant,

most amazing spark of light

that you could imagine.

that is the most private part,

the most intimate detail
of who I am.

and I'm willing to sit here...

and tell it to a camera

to be seen by who knows...

because that little girl
was that magical,

that special

that her tale

should be known
throughout the world.

she was our little wildflower.

she bloomed so bright.

so vibrant.

And then spring was gone,
and so was she.

I love you, aura.

[dramatic music]

- checked my fish basket out.
Nothing in it.

so I'm just gonna
throw it back out there.

Interesting.

Apparently, every day,
we're gonna do something

a little different.

There we go.

All right.

I think fish basket would be
more successful in, like,

a pond or, like,
my little creeks at home.

This giant lake, I don't know.

But there's one thing
that is certain for me,

and that is berries,

and they're gonna be
going away.

I can notice every day
that they are,

but I really need to make sure

that I'm getting
as many of these as I can

because it's really
what's keeping me

fed most of the day now.

You can see that
they're starting to fall off

onto the ground,

and then some are drying up
at the top.

it's funny how some people
need to have other people

in their life
or it affects them terribly.

and other people
can exist without it.

they're starting to turn black.

I think for most of my life
I've felt alone

because most of the people
in my life

had always left anyways.

Like, my marriage,
he was never there.

He was always running off and
doing things with his friends

and wanted me to basically
take care of everything,

so I did.

That was no fun
because I worked all the time.

I had to 'cause he wanted
this giant life,

and so I built it.

And when the kids moved out,

he decided he didn't want
to be there either.

And make me able to deal
with being alone.

I function okay alone.

Well, I got a half a can,
thankfully.

So that's not bad
for one little spot.

that's just what I need to do
all the time now, every day.

I need to make sure
that I'm doing something

to prepare
for the upcoming days.

- I really thought about going
for a walk,

but really crazy windy day,

and I don't know what it's
gonna bring for weather.

It's hard to tell.
Clouds are moving fast,

and the winds are just howling.

Look at these ducks.

These ducks don't care

about a little wind and wave.

They're headed somewhere,
and you know their feet

are going a million miles
an hour right now.

Just chugging along,
but they've got each other.

when I began this journey,
I was determined to win

or at least go as far

as I possibly could
before my body gave out.

I came here because this is
the ultimate challenge.

It's the ultimate test
of a survivalist.

It's the ultimate test
of willpower.

It's the ultimate test
of your mind,

your body,
and your spiritual connection.

and I knew that
the only way to succeed

was to forget about home,
to forget about my wife,

my son, and to forget
about my daughter

and to immerse myself
into this life.

and I've found
that I can't do that.

they are woven into the fabric
of my heart and my soul.

I find myself

continually thinking
of my daughter,

and I realize that
I'm actually going through

the same grieving process
that I am at home.

But the difference is, at home

I can look
into the eyes of my wife,

I can look
into the eyes of my son,

and I see a part of her there,
and that soothes me,

and that comforts me.

And I don't have that here.

[beeping]

this is jordon.
I am officially tapping out.

I'm ready to head back
and be with my family.

It is a very,
very difficult decision.

You know, if I was here,
and it was cold,

and my shelter burned down,

or there was
a medical emergency,

or I was starving,

everyone would understand
and say,

"hey, he's got to go,"

but I'm okay with saying,

"this is who I am,
and this is my time to leave,"

and to leave for my family
and to leave for myself.

I am naturally
such a competitive person.

I figured that I would have
to be dragged from the show.

I never thought
that my boundary

was gonna come
in an emotional form,

but one of my biggest
takeaways from this

is that I'm not missing out.

There are parts of me

that sometimes longs
for the adventures

as a younger man,

but then I come out here,

and I realize very quickly

I don't get the same thrill

out of experiencing
these things by myself.

The real excitement
comes from sharing

those moments with my family.

All this time
seeking to be alone,

and yet maybe I don't want
to be alone.

[dramatic music]

- jordon, thank you for sharing
your story with us today.

You have dealt with tragedy,

and yet you are
the happiest person,

and I think that happiness
has got to do

with this authentic connection
with your family.

- My wife and son
are everything to me,

and so possibly winning
$1/2 million,

all I could think about
was paying off our house

and any bills
and basically allowing me

to work less
to spend time with my family.

- I know, for a lot of people
on the show,

one of the hardest things is,

you know, being alone,
but it's more than that.

It's being alone
with your thoughts.

- I spent a lot of time
in my life alone

and doing adventures alone,

and I thought that I was
really gonna be rekindling

some of that adventurous spirit
coming out here,

and going into this,
my strategy

was really to focus on myself
and my survival tasks at hand

and not even allow myself
to think about my family.

- Things like fishing,
just standing there

for hours and hours, I mean,
it's hard in those moments

to keep your mind busy.

- Yeah, and I think that's
when it hit me the hardest.

It's different when
you're talking about grieving

because it's a lot harder
to control

when those moments hit you.

Once you start doing things

like picking berries
or fishing,

your hands may be busy,
but your mind is idle

and free to wander
to those darker places,

and I came to the realization
that I actually needed

my wife and my son.

They're part
of my coping mechanism

of dealing with grief.

Being out there
and trying to process it alone

was so much more difficult
than I ever imagined.

The joy of being out here,
of being outdoors,

of making things
and troubleshooting

and all that kind of stuff,

that joy is fading.

- You compared your time
on "alone" to gambling.

- Yeah, it really felt
like a gamble in a way

because you don't know
how the fishing is going to be.

You don't know how the game
hunting is going to be.

Maybe bring my bow just in case
I scare up any grouse.

You also don't know how
your competitors are doing.

You're thinking everyone else
has a better fishing hole

or better hunting grounds.

- I mean, that was a struggle
for you, right?

- It absolutely was, you know?

Here I am on choko lake
thinking

that the fishing is easy,
and that wasn't the case.

- You spent a ton of time
on that log, your fishing pier,

and tell us about
that incredible moment

when you hooked that trout
and dragged it to shore.

- I was in utter disbelief
when I hooked that fish.

[laughing]
yeah!

Yeah!

And I was in such shock,
and to finally get that fish

made me feel
like I did something

that is actually contributing
to survival,

and I could not wait
to eat it.

- Oh, yeah, your joy at the end
of that was just great.

I totally knew how that fell.
Just, like, so exciting.

- Whoo!
- Tell me about the importance

of those small victories
for you.

- Those small victories
were everything.

Look what I found.

So just finding a couple
of gooseberries

underneath the leaves
or finding

the perfect alder branch
to make the door handle,

any little win felt like

it was just another
check mark of,

hey, I'm making it.

I'm getting there.
- Yeah.

- The remains of the flowers

look like little suns,

and that is enough
to make me smile this morning.

- Now, let's talk about
your permanent shelter.

- I had a strong plan going in
to make a solid shelter

and feel like
I actually have a home.

- Feels good to be in there

when other things
could be going wrong.

- Yeah, it's kind of like
when you come home from work,

and you put down your wallet

and your keys
in that one spot.

I wanted to be able to walk
into my shelter and feel like

I had a place for everything
and everything in its place.

Spot for my hat at night.

That's something
that kept me mentally healthy

during that time.

- Yeah, totally.

I always have to have a shelf
of treasures and whatever.

It doesn't even matter if it's,
like, a pile of leaves.

I have to have, like, my--

to feel that kind of sense
of, you're at home,

and it feels good
to be in there

when other things
could be going wrong.

- Exactly.
[both laugh]

- jordon, your story
is inspiring.

Thank you for setting

such a beautiful example
for us to follow.

- Thank you.
I'm very, very lucky.

- holy *bleep*.
Those are bears.

Hey!
[air horn blares]

- I need to get some food.
Definitely seeing some grouse.

- Oh, *bleep*. Hornets.
Ah, *bleep*.

- Some fresh deer sign.

That gives me
a little bit of confidence

that we're gonna have
some deer here.

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.