Alone (2015–…): Season 5, Episode 9 - Starvation's Shadow - full transcript

[ominous music]

♪

- I'm alive, Mongolia!

[echoing]
I'm alive, Mongolia!

Now, that's why I'm still here,
man.

- So I spooked three deer, and
I lost track of them.

It is a depressive state of
mind

to not be able to feed
yourself.

- Look at the snow coming.

- Today is the day it feels
like the season's starting.

- This is Randy. I'm officially
tapping out.



It's not being
out here and surviving.

It's being out here and
surviving alone.

[wind whistling]

[heavy breathing]

♪

male narrator: For the first
time ever on "Alone,"

ten past participants return.

♪

They've come back
with one goal:

redemption.

- I deserve to be here,
and I'm back.

- I want to win more this time
than I did last time.

narrator:
Now a fresh hell awaits...

- The cold is an incredibly
strong punch in the face.



narrator: In the punishing
wilderness of Mongolia.

- We're in the middle
of nowhere.

- Mongolia's
a very unforgiving land.

narrator: They must survive
in complete isolation,

enduring as long as they can.

- I'm just gonna push
and push and push

until there's nothing left.

narrator:
The last one standing wins.

[dramatic music]

♪

- It's day...

62,412.

I died last
night for the third time,

but the old ticker just keeps
starting back up again.

[coughs weakly]

I think
they've forgotten about me.

[groans]

Oh, make that four times.

[groans]

♪

At this point I'm already
burning a lot of calories.

I've already used a lot of my
resources.

It makes
working a little bit harder.

I get exhausted quicker.

I take
everything in a slow,

measured
pace, and I just have to make

sure I preserve myself first
and foremost.

I remember that
from Patagonia.

[water trickling]

Today was definitely the
coldest morning yet.

I peeked out the door,

and there was snow on the
ground.

It's melted since I first
peeked out.

Seeing that snow really
wanted to make me start

working on my sled.

My thoughts are that when
there's a snowfall

or any sort
of ice accumulation,

that I'll be able to stack my
firewood on this sled

and pull it around and not have to worry about

carrying a weight on my
shoulder the whole time,

and I
think I'll work on that today,

'cause I don't want it to get
to be where there's--

all of a
sudden there's snow and ice

and I haven't finished it,

and I want to be ahead of the
game.

♪

Gonna be the worst
winter that probably any of us

have ever experienced.

If you're not resourceful and
creative,

Mongolia will
definitely take you out.

I've got people to provide
for,

and I'm not ready to go
home.

I found two pines that were as
equal as I could find,

and I shaved them all of the
bark.

What my plan to do is, on
the tops of each,

I want to cut
a square notch,

maybe at, like,
1-foot intervals,

and match
them up with the other runner,

and then I'll take other pine
crosspieces

and cut square
notches in those so they fit

down inside of them like
puzzle pieces,

you know, notch
them in,

and then I would lash
those, most likely using my

trapping wire to get it
really, really tight.

[wood rasping]

[laughs] Scary place to start
sawing.

Hope my family's nice
and warm and fed right now.

[somber music]

One time I made a big box, and
I put it on skis,

so I would
put Campbell in that,

put something soft down for
him to sit on,

curl him up in some blankets,
and he was all geared up,

nice
and warm, and I'd get the dog,

and I'd pull them through the
woods,

and then there'd be a
little spot.

We'd get out, and we'd eat our
snack and our lunch.

We'd walk around and play
with the dog

for a little while, and then
I'd get him back in

and pull him
the rest of the route.

I miss my boy.

[sawing]

So there it is.

Stable enough,

stable enough that--but it
moves enough that it'll,

like--it'll give going over
stuff instead of being,

like,
super rigid.

Totally by design
I did that.

Who knows when
I'll get to try it out,

but
it'll be ready when I want it.

[tense music]

♪

- [sighs]

I've come to a
definitive conclusion.

The less fat you have on your
body,

the tougher it is to
sleep,

'cause you don't have
the cushion.

[laughs] Oh, my gosh.

[groans]

I didn't make a good enough bed
for being skinny.

Ah!

[somber music]

♪

I'm gonna go get some water
and heat it up,

have some tea,

'cause I've been struggling
today just as far as

the hunger aspect.

♪

Lately, I'm having
no luck whatsoever.

At the beginning, I was eating
well, you know,

two meals a
day if not more,

and then bam, food resources
just stopped.

Fish just died out.

Grouse just
sort of disappeared.

♪

So I was
feeling my teeth move around

today in my mouth.

I don't like that.

[fire crackling]

That means I'm missing some
serious nutrition.

I don't
like that at all.

I still have
a fear from Patagonia.

I have
this fear of not understanding

what my body's going through,
not realizing it.

When I was
out there, I didn't get it.

[gasps]

- It's dangerous for
you to stay here.

- Not until I looked in the
mirror

did I see how skinny I
was.

I have to make sure that
that doesn't happen again.

[water trickling]

So with all the hunting I've
been doing,

trying to keep my
clothes nice and clean.

Hunting [inaudible] is really
important for me.

At this point, I need to
continue to hunt

to the best of
my ability.

I clean them, and
then I'm hanging them in trees

and letting them scent out,

making sure it airs out as
much as it can.

♪

I need to sit for a minute and
take some rest.

♪

[sighs] I have no energy.

What
are people gonna think of me?

What is my image gonna be?

I'm
struggling with my ego.

I want
people to look at me as--

look
at me in a positive way.

It's tough with this situation
right now,

because I'm hungry.

I'm really hungry, and I don't
want to be hungry.

I want to really enjoy this
full experience.

I want to
learn from the land,

but am I learning if I'm not
pushing myself?

♪

♪

- Oh, my goodness.

What a good
start to the day.

Wish every day could be just
this nice to start with.

Days like today make me want to
go explore.

I want to go to the
top of that mountain.

If I was
on Vancouver Island,

there's no way I'd walk up to
that mountain,

'cause there'd be no reason
to.

It'd be just an unnecessary
expenditure of calories,

but once the food
dries up,

you got to do what
you got to do.

♪

A lot of the yarrow's dead.

Looks like
plants are dying out.

About the only thing left,
really, are mice,

and they really don't pack a
whole lot of punch.

They're pretty small.

They're mostly guts.

That's what I need to do,
is get this

food situation under control.

[grasses crackling]

We are off to walk to the
mountain.

That's gonna be a
hell of a climb.

Right there.

[suspenseful music]

This is steep, man.

Be able to switch back a little
bit--whoa.

It takes so much energy to try
and find food in general,

but you still got to gut it up
and do it,

because I'm gonna
stay out and push myself

for as long as this is gonna
last.

No berries on the
ground, no crop,

just strawberry plants.

Slippery,
slippery, slippery, slippery.

[grunts]

♪

All right, I'm gonna
keep on keeping on, man.

looking at the new plants
on the ground.

I've got some fireweed up here
with some fluff on it.

Too bad there wasn't
chanterelles or something.

I'd chow on some chanterelles.

Looks to me like
those are puffballs.

Yep, look at them.

They're rotten.

They're done.

♪

I'll be damned, that's edible,
I think.

♪

This right here is edible,
these leaves down here.

[dramatic music]

I've been harvesting plants
when I can.

There's just not a
lot of them.

It's always a
little frustrating,

especially
now, when, you know,

you're--you're tired; you're
hungry.

It's getting cold up
here, so I went ahead and put

my gear back on, some of it.

[distant wolf howling]

[ominous music]

Those are wolves, man.

[several wolves howling]

They're not that far away.

♪

Holy [bleep]. Wolf scat.

♪

More pieces here,

lots of wolf scat, there,

there,
there, and there.

Jesus, it's all over the place
up here.

I'll try not to make any
noise.

[wolf howling nearby]

[ominous music]

♪

- Holy [bleep]. Wolf scat.

[distant wolf howling]

Several pieces here,

lots of wolf scat.

Jesus, it's all
over the place up here.

The
sound of the wolves howlering

makes me very uncomfortable,

but I have to keep moving.

Without food, I'm not gonna be
able to last

as long as I did
at Vancouver Island.

It's a roll of the dice.

You either travel far and hope
you find something

or stay by your shelter just
conserving calories,

hoping for a fish or
a mouse.

There ain't nothing
to eat out here,

not even nothing, man.

[ominous music]

It's really steep.

Amazing, man.

This is beautiful.

It's a heck
of a view, isn't it?

Wow, just wow.

That's all I can say, is
wow.

A lot of emotions up here.

A lot of--lot of highs
and a lot of lows in Mongolia.

[wolf howling]

I'm feeling a little bit
conflicted.

This is a very
bittersweet moment,

bitter only because I wasn't
able to catch any more food,

but extremely, extremely
sweet,

because this is just an
absolutely beautiful country.

[wolf howling]

It's also a pretty nice view
behind me, huh?

[wolf howling]

I'm so glad I did this.

[dramatic music]

♪

- Oh, to the days gone by,

to the days of grouse and fish
a-plenty,

when fish would rise
from the river,

jump to your hook,

and grouse would fly
right into your camp.

♪

Two a day at times the grouse
would be,

the fish sometimes four.

Oh, those days gone by.

I sit and think and weep

of days of old.

[laughs]

Oh, I'm hungry.

Was it in my imagination?

Where did all those fish and
grouse and squirrels go?

[ominous music]

♪

I've been hunting deer for
long periods of time,

and it's
a freaking chess game.

♪

Deer is the food that I need to take care of myself,

one large life.

It can be everything.

♪

To not be able to feed
yourself,

what a difficult
state to be in.

♪

My body
doesn't feel right.

I'm getting cramps every day
and every night.

I'm depleting my
body of nutrient

that's--that's needed,

and I got to figure it out.

I got to
get out of this funk,

'cause I'm definitely feeling
it.

♪

What's motivating me,

it's
being alive on the land.

It's
learning every last bit I can,

and it's being thankful every
moment of the day,

but right now, I'm just
sitting here starving,

and that's not why I'm here.

It's tough to watch the
muscles

on your body just disappear.

♪

It's difficult.

♪

I don't know.

I don't know.

♪

There's three elements that
without one of them,

there's no
life, Sun, Earth, and water,

and right here I've got this
beautiful picture of the Sun

just shimmering off the water

and the land right on either
side of it.

That is life,

straight and simple,

life, bam.

[chuckles]

Damn, that's beautiful.

[water trickling]

I don't want to starve
anymore.

I want to live.

I
want to enjoy my life.

I want
to be healthy.

I can't allow
my body to deteriorate again.

[sighs]

Feels right.

Feels very right.

♪

[beeping]

[somber music]

♪

Look who's here.

[laughs]

The main reason I'm tapping out
is I'm taking care of my body,

straight and simple.

After Patagonia, my journey was
interrupted.

There was, like,
months, three months

where it was difficult to--to
digest food,

and that was like, "Ah,
I can push myself too far.

Oh, okay, I got to be aware of
my physical well-being."

I don't
want that to happen here.

I want to just sort of walk
right into the next step, and

right now it feels perfect,
feels good.

[melancholy music]

♪

Two completely different
tap-outs.

This one definitely
feels better.

It was much nicer to take
myself out of the picture,

much easier, much more
empowering.

♪

It's not in me to
push myself like I did

in Patagonia anymore.

That is not in me.

That is not what I want.

I did my best, and I'm
proud of everything I've done,

and I am happy.

I definitely think this
go-round has changed me.

I think it's
helped me to look at myself

in more of a responsible
manner

and look at my actions
with more understanding of,

I do have an effect on the
world.

♪

What do I need to do to
make that a positive effect?

♪

[sawing]

[wind roaring]

- I think that's blowing out of
the south,

but I don't feel anything
coming though that wall

in front of me.

It's all coming from behind me
and through my door.

Gets windy and cool
outside,

I figure spend the day inside.

what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna
make a really cool Christmas

orn--I'm gonna make Christmas
ornaments for our tree.

Bam,
that is going to occupy...

♪ A lot of time

♪ I can send people Christmas
ornaments ♪

♪

I'll just carve a bunch of
these.

I'll send some to my
mom, my dad, my cousin,

kind of neat.

There's a story
behind it.

I like Christmas
ornaments that have stories.

My dad and I would go get the
tree, and then my dad would sit

and watch us decorate, and Mom
used to always love

to bring out the ornaments.

She's like, "Ooh, Britt, I
remember this one from 1988,

and such and such and such,
and she loved doing that.

She sent some of
the ornaments to me in Ohio

to put on my tree.

That's pretty
neat, carry it on.

We have a
"one Christmas gift

on Christmas Eve" tradition...

[blows] But it's--it's always
the same thing.

It's new pajamas or something
to be, like,

comfortable in so when
everybody wakes up

on Christmas morning, they have
their new pajamas on.

[fire crackling]

I think about things I want to
do to make up for lost time

with my wife and son.

They're my driving force at
this point.

If I wasn't out here
for them,

I wouldn't have it
in myself to keep doing this.

I think about handing my
parents a large check

and telling them, "Thank you
for everything."

I'm dreaming of getting home
and just telling them

thank you for how strong
they've been and supportive

for allowing me to do this and
thanking them for everything

that they've done in my
absence.

[peaceful music]

♪

So here's what I've been
carving just while I was

talking, a little ornament to
hang.

That's for Campbell.

♪

- Good morning.

I heard a mouse
a tiny bit.

Must be a female mouse.

She's pretty smart.

She's just going about her
business.

She goes to work,
takes her little lunch pail

or her little thermos,

probably has a salad inside of
there with a sensible dressing,

probably Italian, comes home,

and then goes to bed.

She's smart; that's why she
doesn't get conked

the head by a
Paiute deadfall.

[tense music]

Let's just get up and see what
the world has to offer us.

I think I might go fishing for
a little bit.

♪

It's gotten colder.

I wonder
if the fish'll bite more.

Trout still feed in cold
weather.

That's why they're here.

This is weird.

♪

Nothing jumping.

Well, on to the next
spot, I guess.

[suspenseful music]

I just can't believe the
fishing turned off that fast,

and if they're cold, you'd
think they'd come

to the surface and soak up some of these rays

we're getting
right now.

Mongolia has just really thrown out the unexpected at me.

I was totally wrong.

I've been wrong
about the weather,

and I've
been wrong about the fishing.

What else can I be wrong about?

♪

If the fishing starts to dry
up, I'm [bleep].

♪

- It's turning out to be, like,
a relatively nice day,

so I think I'm gonna take today
and actually

make my wooden cup,

so it's kind of a big, big old
day.

♪

I think so, at least.

It
sounds like a little thing,

but, like, I think the
difference between drinking

from a metal can and drinking
from, like, an insulated mug.

You're going from, "Ah, oh,
ah, ooh, okay,"

to, like, "Ahh."

So that--that's the best way I
can describe the difference.

You sit down, work a piece of
wood, get into it,

completely
forget how hungry you are.

We're gonna get a coal right
here,

and we're gonna burn a hole.

Always really imperative
that you're careful

with this activity.

Bad things can happen.

In the last few days, I
am feeling

a lot of different stuff.

I've gone a few days
without pooping at the moment,

and basically, I just want to
get this next bowel movement

out at some point, because you

can't go too many days without
going

to the restroom out here.

Like, if you do, it gets
dangerous for your intestines

and all that.

I really need a
blower stick for this.

[tense music]

Using a little fire blower
deal is much safer,

because if I have my head down
here, I can get burned,

and I do not want to go out
doing something that stupid.

[blowing]

Ah, my good cup.

I will drink many a cup of tea
with you.

♪

And then we're gonna
carve down a handle.

We're
gonna smooth out the edges

and essentially make it look
more like a cup

than a block of wood.

♪

This is what I'm gonna be
drinking out of from now on.

♪

Man, when you're carving, you
are in your own little world,

and absolutely, like, nothing
else matters.

[dramatic music]

♪

- It's funny.

After season three,

people who I've never met, they
come up to me,

and it's not so
much that they act like

they know me, but they want to
know me,

and they like me already, and
that's really, really cool.

That's very cool.

One guy was funny.

This was funny.

I was in the gas station.

My parents were in town,
and I went inside to get

my mom a lottery ticket,

and there was a guy behind me
in line.

He was like, "Hey, you're the
guy

from that TV show, aren't
you?"

And I'm like,
"Yeah, yeah, I am."

He was like, "Yeah, that was
pretty awesome.

I didn't see all of it,"
somethin'-somethin',

He was like, "Did you win?" and
he was like,

"Oh, well, I guess you didn't
if you're in here

buying a lottery ticket," and I
thought that was so funny.

[laughs] I was like, "I'm
buying it for my mom, jerk."

♪

What I'm eating isn't giving
me enough energy to do what I

need to do anymore, and there
comes a point where it really,

really escalates into more of
a starvation game.

Normally I'm catching fish
with grasshoppers,

but as it's getting colder and
the grasshopper are getting

harder to find, then I'm
finding I'm going to have to

do something different,

and I had an idea to try and
make a lure.

♪

I took three of my
regular-size hooks

and bound
them together with my wire.

I don't have an abundant
amount of hooks,

and I've realized how
important and vital they are

to, like, everything that I
do.

And about a inch up I took
some of my paracord,

and I frayed it all out and
made it like a hula skirt.

So yeah, I'll go fishing with
this one tomorrow.

It's not pretty.

Doesn't have to be pretty.

♪

Let's take this guy on his
maiden voyage.

Not too shabby.

I'm very pleased with it.

I want to stay away from the
trees.

♪

It's a huge difference from
throwing those grasshoppers.

I
have faith in this lure.

♪

That was a strike.

There we go.

Got one.

♪

Oh, yeah.

Come on.

[bleep].

I just lost my lure.

♪

Damn.

That's a lot of hooks to lose
all at once.

Running low.

That's just--that's
unacceptable.

♪

Well, my fishing game just
took a significant blow.

I'm in the midst of mild
starvation.

♪

♪

- So spoon carving is actually
something I teach as a class,

like a woodcarving course for
students.

We carve spoons.

It's one of the first things I
think you should learn

when it comes to, like, using a
knife.

One of the coolest
experiences was

right after my
first time out on "Alone,"

I was introduced to these two
little girls,

Scarlet and Lily,

daughters of a friend of my
wife,

and they cried, I guess,

when I tapped out last time.

If that's, you know, not a
little bit of inspiration for

you, I don't know what is, you
know, to keep--keep moving.

Well, I am gonna give those
two little girls

a set of spoons.

I'm gonna make two
spoons, one to each girl.

They'll get Mongolian spoons,

handcrafted right out here in
my little hut.

This looks legendary.

Oh, this is a spoon
fit for a king, I tell you.

♪

Time to get things going for
the day.

Right now what I want
to do is work on the roof

of my shelter to make sure it's
nice and strong,

because when I
have 3 feet of snowfall,

I do
not want a flimsy tarp being

the only thing holding up the
roof.

I need to add some,
like, skeletal infrastructure

to it so that it can take a
little bit of weight

when--when the time comes.

[dramatic music]

Unfortunately, my bowels are
still not

kicking anything out.

I'm getting worried,
because I'm having really

bad
issues with my intestines.

It feels like I've got stomach
cramping

and abdominal pain.

The rules of this thing are
simple.

If you ask for help
from the crew,

you have tapped out.

They can't come in and give me
a laxative and be like,

"There you go, bud.
Anything else?"

♪

They absolutely have to either
wait for me to tap out

or medically pull me or wait
for me to poop.

So that sits real nicely
up on there.

I never in my
wildest imagination

thought that one poop could
get in the way

from my family having a
house and a car

that doesn't break down, but
it just has.

So at the moment, I'm basically
finished with this ceiling.

Any time I'm cutting little
thin saplings

and I get a new one, I can just
interweave it in,

and it's just gonna get
stronger and stronger

as we go along, so I love it.

I'm gonna keep it this way.

♪

The only thing in my head
right now is the fact

that if
I don't go to the bathroom,

like, if I don't have a bowel
movement

in the next few days,

I'm gonna be medically pulled,
and I won't get to win,

and I won't get to provide for
my family.

I feel like I've put
in so much work out here.

I feel like I want to make it
the long haul.

♪

I don't want to have to go
home from this

empty-handed.

♪

- So I'm going to eat

some dandelions that I have
saved.

♪

- I just want some coffee.

It's funny. I never missed any
of this stuff

on Vancouver Island.

Mostly I just craved
sweets.

I'm craving all the comforts
of life now, man, all of them.

I miss the sweet things, you
know?

In order to have the sweet,
you got to have the sour,

and the sour isn't as bad

as you think, because
you've got the sweet.

You got the sweet in life, man.

Cherish that.

Cherish the
sweetness of your family,

your close friends, your--even
your pets.

That's the sweet in life.

The sour is your
commute, your bad day at work,

the guy that flips you off
even though you didn't do

nothing in the--on the
freeway,

but the sweet makes
the sour bearable.

♪

I think a reason why I get so
emotional out here is there's

nobody out here I have to be
strong for.

I just have to be
strong for myself.

I don't have people
looking to me for direction

for work.

I don't have to be
the answer man.

I don't have
to be the man.

I just have to
be the man to myself,

and if I feel like breaking
down and crying,

then that's okay. If
it feels, like, overwhelming

and it helps me to cry, then I
cry.

And then I pick myself back
up again and drive on,

and it's okay.

You can just let
yourself go, man.

It's just you.

Sometimes that's a good
feeling,

♪

And then sometimes
it's damn nice

to have people
dependent upon you.

You feel needed and wanted and
appreciated...

♪

And loved.

♪

I love my family, and I love my friends.

What more do I need
out of this experience

that I
haven't already gotten?

♪

- When you take that buff off,
you can see your neck, whoo,

you can really see how much
weight you've lost.

Yeah, I don't quite have the
double chin I used to.

There's a little fat hanging on
there, but...

♪

I think today I will make a
stool to sit on,

and maybe that will convince my
body to have a stool,

you know, a stool.

So for this joint, I'll
wire down through here.

Man,
my fingers are getting cold.

It would suck to go home for
lack of poop.

That is, like,
the worst way to end a season.

"Oh, weren't you on that show,
'Alone'?"

"Oh, yeah, yeah, I
was." "

Why'd you go home
again?"

"Oh, you know, it's a
little fuzzy.

I don't really remember.

Oh, yeah, it's
'cause I couldn't poop.

That's why it was."

Oh, goodness.

What, what, what have I done
to myself?

[laughs]

I have
made some painful decisions

for the good of the family,
and this is a choice.

Like, I'm choosing to be out
here, because I believe,

for a lot of reasons, that
this is actually what's best

for the family.

Wow, that's good.

Whoo, baby!

And we sit on it.

Oh. Even if I don't
have a stool-stool tonight,

at least
I'll have this stool.

You know what I mean?

I think we did it, guys.

I think we did it.

♪

I got to say, my emotions have
been very

not good these last
few hours of the day.

The big thing

that troubled my mind today
was,

"Okay, you want
to win really bad;

"you're gonna try really hard.

But what if you don't?"

And that's a tough, tough pill
to swallow, you know?

There's certain variables that
you can't get through,

and some of them you don't
have any control over,

but I
don't know if I'm--you know,

I don't know if I'm
tough enough to last

all these days out here.

♪

You know, I can
really feel this adventure

drawing to a close.

I can feel it.

It's the same feeling I
had last time.

People don't keep, you know?

Everybody's
got an expiration date.

I'm just wondering how much
longer I can go.

This snow is such a
game-changer.

This place could
snap at any second.

I could be
in a world of hurt.

- Look at this. Damn near whole
hill is overturned,

and extremely close to
my shelter.

- This time, I'm really
missing my family.

I want somebody to talk to.

This is terrible.

♪