Ally McBeal (1997–2002): Season 4, Episode 6 - Tis the Season - full transcript
It's almost Christmas and Elaine's desperation is making her cranky, while Ally is frustrated that Larry doesn't like the season. Trying to get Larry to open up, she uncovers one of his secrets. A newscaster has been fired for telling the truth about Santa Claus, and it's up to John and Ling to get his job back. But John is busy trying to figure out how to begin his relationship with Kimmy when she insists on bringing her mother along on their dates and she thinks that John is a rock and roll singer.
ALLY:
Easy, easy, easy.
LARRY:
Isn't it a little early for a tree?
ALLY: Christmas starts as soon
as you put up a tree.
I think the world could extend
the yuletide spirit a week.
[HORN HONKS]
- Bite me!
- There's the spirit.
Decorate the tree, sit on the couch,
make an eggnog...
I always hated Christmas.
Uh-oh.
I should've saved that for later.
I don't know if I can be with a man
who hates Christmas.
I'm allergic to down feathers
in a couch.
There's cholesterol in eggnog.
The tree is a fire hazard,
and twinkly lights can cause seizures.
That's why you hate Christmas?
That, and I'm always alone.
Oh.
Well, you're not gonna be alone
this Christmas.
Could you say that again?
You're not gonna be alone
this Christmas.
What?
Let's go decorate the tree.
I can't wait.
VONDA SINGS:
I've been down this road
'Tis the Season
Walking the line
That's painted by pride
And I have made mistakes in my life
That I just can 't hide
Oh, I believe I am ready
For what love has to bring
I got myself together
Yeah, now I'm ready to sing
I've been searching my soul tonight
I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine a light
To find my way back home
Oh, baby, yeah
Oh, yeah
First up, Stevens vs. WKGB. John?
- Yes.
- Yes?
What's the case? WKGB, is it
a Russian spy thing?
WKGB is a local news station, Richard.
Perhaps you've caught it inadvertently
while surfing your titty shows.
Funny. Latin woman, big breasts?
One of the anchors, yes.
Another is Kendall Stevens.
He was discharged. We're suing
for wrongful termination.
Ling is second chair.
- Why was he fired?
- For excessive truth-telling.
He announced on the morning
newscast that there was no Santa...
...resulting in his discharge.
- He said there was no Santa?
You didn't know?
- How could he?
NELLE: Oh, please.
He's nothing but a dangerous myth.
Fat alcoholic.
He's a pedophile too.
Gets kids to sit on his lap...
...while promising toys.
I salute our client.
Last year you loved Santa Claus.
He was in last year. Now he's out.
- Hey.
- Larry.
Sweetie.
What are you doing here?
- I missed you and it's only 9:30.
- That's sweet.
This is a workplace. Could you drip
over each other someplace else?
- Okay, um...
- Huh.
Something's wrong. Um.
Can you excuse me for just
a little bit of...
...a second.
Slept with her yet? It's not my
business, so yes or no would suffice.
I run a business here.
I need my litigators hungry.
If she's being satiated, I need
to know. Protect the firm.
So are you two...?
Ally's told me so much about you...
...and I believed little of it.
I make a dent.
Have all my life.
And you're making one now.
We've always talked to each other.
When there is a problem...
...we talk.
It's just, you know, you're part
of the problem.
Well, then, you...
I am?
I'm happy for your happiness, Ally.
I'm thrilled for John and Kimmie,
Richard and Ling.
I see couples everywhere.
Happy, smiling, disgusting,
kissy-face couples.
It makes me sick.
I'm tired of being alone.
I used to mope. Now I want to get
a gun and mow down all the couples.
The stupid, sucky-face, happy pigs.
Ah.
And Christmas is coming. The worst.
I sit at home and all the TV shows
are about love.
I get depressed and have a drink.
Then I'm at a bar with some stranger,
offering up my vagina.
- Well, you...
- Do you like music?
- I'm sorry?
- Ally tells me that you love music.
As do I. In fact, when I'm feeling
empty, like I do in December...
...I sit at my piano at night
and just sing a little.
You'd be surprised what an
incredible companion music can be.
It's about applause with me.
Without an audience,
I have no use for music.
Well...
They let you sing at the bar?
They discourage it.
They say I make it about me.
What you need to do is find a song
that makes you feel better.
I'm sure we can get you on stage.
Okay.
Thank you.
What?
Well, it's just
the way that you...
...handle the Kimmies
and the Elaines of the world.
How about the Allies?
Tell me why you can't
handle Christmas.
I did.
Your parents will tell you he's real
because they love you.
They want you to enjoy the myth of
"ho, ho, ho," sugar plums and elves.
They'll tell you lies
that their parents told...
... because they want to surround you
with the magic feeling of Christmas.
It's fine to pretend
with your parents...
... that there really is
such a thing as Santa Claus.
Enjoy it like a good story.
As you would Jack and the Beanstalk
or the Easter Bunny or Peter Pan.
But no giant's going to fall out
of the sky chasing a golden goose.
No rabbit's going to sneak
into your house with chocolate eggs.
And there won 't be any Santa Claus
coming down your chimney, for real.
This is Kendall Stevens.
You shattered quite a few myths there.
Any child old enough to be watching
the news probably already knows.
- If not, they should.
- Why?
Sometime he's going to know.
If the news comes from another kid,
it won't be broken gently.
I remember the day I found out.
It was a huge betrayal.
My parents had lied to me.
My son, when he found out at 7
from an older kid at school...
...he came home, looked at me
and said:
"I trusted you."
That's when I realized, this is
a fundamental lie to children.
Did you tell your producers
you would say this?
No.
You defied producers
and exposed the station to negative...
- I knew it wouldn't be popular.
- But what? It was news?
It was the truth.
As much as you disagree
with my broadcast...
...a newsman should never be fired
for broadcasting the truth.
JOHN:
I remember when I found out.
I was shopping with my mother.
I sat on the department store Santa,
told him all about this special...
...steam train I wanted, which was
green with red stripes.
Then we left the store, came to a
street corner, and there was Santa...
...ringing a bell.
He was black. I thought it was odd.
Got from here to there so fast
and changed color.
But, I thought, he's Santa.
He's magic.
And then he looked at me with no
recognition whatsoever and said:
"Well, little one, what would you
like for Christmas?"
And I knew right then
this whole thing was a fraud.
That's awful.
I found out my
freshman year in college.
You have been sheltered
your whole life.
Oh, not as much as people think.
- I dated a rock star.
- You did?
Well, one date.
I met him after the concert.
I'd known him an hour when he asked me
to touch his willy, so it didn't last.
Still, the idea of you
and a rock star?
Actually, every boy I ever dated
was a singer of some sorts.
- Really?
- I love singers.
I don't know why.
- Do you sing?
- Me?
Yeah. I had a band in college.
You did?
It was no big deal.
It was just rock'n'roll.
Did people go wild for you?
Ahh, they... I'd get them pretty
whipped up. But it was years ago.
I've decided I know what I want
for my Christmas present.
What?
I want you to sing a song for me
at the bar.
Oh, that...
Th-th... No, I...
I don't perform anymore.
But you would sing one song
just for me, right?
Well...
[NOSE SQUEAKS]
It's my tuning nose.
You really do love Christmas,
don't you?
Well...
...yes.
- Why don't you?
- Uh-oh. It's an issue.
Should we settle this before
we name children?
Seriously, Larry.
It's a little premature to say it,
not to mention presumptuous, but...
...I'd think twice about having kids
with a man who doesn't like Christmas.
So if we got married, we could just
skip the children part?
I'm being serious.
I would like you to be.
Okay.
I have a child.
What?
I have a son. He's 7 years old.
Why didn't you tell me this before?
Because I'm ashamed.
You're ashamed of having a son?
I'm ashamed I don't
see him every day...
...and he's growing up
mostly without his father.
Well, where is he?
He's in Detroit...
...with his mother.
I thought your ex-wife lived
here in Boston.
She does.
Oh, you had this child
with another woman.
Merry Christmas.
- Why did you say you sang?
- I don't know.
She said all the men she loved sang...
...then I promised her a number.
- You did what?
- As a Christmas present. What'll I do?
She's expecting a real singer.
A performer.
- John, you care about this woman?
- I believe I do. Yeah.
- This could be something real?
- It's entirely possible.
Then there's only one thing
you can do.
Lie bigger.
Say you have a throat polyp.
I'm not gonna follow up one lie
with another.
There's nothing more fundamental
to a relationship than honesty.
If she finds out you've lied? You
gotta lie again. It's your only out.
I'm gonna just tell her the truth.
- Mistake.
- I'll do it at lunch.
- Have you picked your song?
- No.
I'm looking for the perfect one
that speaks to me.
Something pretty. Something that
coincides with my current self.
Elaine? I love music,
don't get me wrong.
Is climbing into the spotlight for
attention the way to fix loneliness?
Well, that's what I look for in a man.
Attention.
It seems a little desperate to me.
This from a man who dates women
with schlongs?
I'm sorry. That was rude.
Mark?
I haven't had a real boyfriend
in seven years.
I am desperate.
A television station has
an obligation to its viewers.
We build a trust with our audience.
We expect our anchors to honor it.
This was a breach.
- Announcing there is no Santa Claus?
- Absolutely.
We incurred the wrath of our trusted
public. Goodwill we'd cultivated...
...obliterated by his anti-American,
anti-Yuletide, anti-humanity stance.
Everyone at WKGB is chagrined
and remains chagrined.
As a gesture to our viewers, who
put their trust in our good name...
...we owed it to them
to discharge the transgressor...
...of this mean-spirited,
unscripted, cynical proclamation.
Ratings go down after he
declared no Santa?
No, but there's more to television
news, my good man, than ratings.
The business of goodwill.
We certainly can't condone
an anchorman...
...speaking in a manner
that injures children.
- Some were hurt?
- Very much so.
You know of children who got hurt?
My own grandson, Jacob Ray,
8 years old. He was devastated.
In his living room, his parents
trusting our good name...
...suddenly he hears "no Santa Claus."
The child was poleaxed, yes, he was.
Ratings did not go down, your anchors
ad-lib all the time.
It was because he poleaxed
little children?
Primarily, yes. It was reckless.
Reckless, I tell you.
I have nothing further, Your Honor.
Your Honor, we next call
to the stand little Jacob Ray.
I object to that.
We'd like to demonstrate the effect
this announcement had on children.
It's manipulative.
I'll allow it after lunch.
Until then we're adjourned.
- Hey.
- Ally, hi.
It's a nice tree.
- You okay?
- Me? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm fine. Why?
Well, you just looked a little
disappointed about...
You having a son?
Yeah. Are you?
Disappointed?
No.
Look, Larry, I won't lie.
I'd like to believe I'm the first
woman you ever looked at, much less...
But, see, you're gonna
have to forgive me, because I...
...have spent my life making a list
of how it'll go when I meet somebody.
As I've gotten older, I've become
more willing to make compromises.
There's only one prerequisite left
on the list for the man in my life.
What's that?
I have to love him.
These Christmas blues?
Are they connected to your son?
Very much.
Can you tell me?
Until he was 3
his mother and I were together.
This was before I married and became
un-together with somebody else.
And he loves the snow.
Well, Christmastime...
All that stuff that you find
magical about Christmas, the tree...
...the stockings...
...the sleigh rides and making angels.
I did all that with him.
And now I don't have him.
So I...
I don't really have Christmas.
Ally, when you do have a child,
no matter...
...how much you think you're
prepared for it, you'll be stunned...
...by the capacity you have
to love somebody.
I believe a child should be able to
hold on to Santa as long as possible.
We didn't tell Kimmie till she was
in college.
I hope you don't mind
Mommy being here.
Oh, no.
She usually comes on all my dates.
Really?
One problem Kimmie's had with
courting is she becomes guarded.
Having me with her puts her at ease.
Yes. Makes sense.
Um...
Actually, Kimmie, I have a little
confession of my own to make.
- When I said I was a singer...
- You are?
- Can you believe it?
- Well, hello.
- Did I say you'd be with a singer?
- Don't embarrass me.
Do you play an instrument, John?
You were gonna be truthful.
- The mother threw me.
- Yes, the mother.
She brings her mother on dates.
She's bringing her tonight
and tomorrow.
They both expect to hear me sing.
I told you to lie.
That's the best I can do.
Can you do your Barry White thing?
No, I told her it was rock'n'roll.
I'm fraught.
What's the problem?
Bob Dylan's been singing for 35 years.
Never hit a note.
A lot of songs don't have melodies.
Pick a song where you talk the words.
Oh, balls.
She'll never fall for that.
What about movement?
I step like I'm trying to kill bugs.
I can help. I've been doing
movement to make me a hotter lover.
See, I'll get you through this, John.
Let's talk about the mother.
Tomorrow, tomorrow
I love you, tomorrow
Could you guys fake keeping up?
You're always a day...
All right.
You guys can go home now,
but I need you back early.
I've got to check on wardrobe.
5:30 sharp.
Let's show up with our heads on
this time.
Tomorrow
Elaine? Is that your song?
Isn't it perfect? It's about
waking up to a better world.
I chose it because it's poignant.
Well, she seems more buoyant, anyway.
Did you bring me here for Elaine's
music or get me drunk on eggnog?
The eggnogs are virgin, thank you.
I happen to be an expert on getting
people into the Christmas spirit.
You present
a particularly tough challenge.
But I'm gonna break you down.
Come on.
Where are we going?
You said music was your big companion.
- Yeah, but now I have you.
- I need you to sit at the piano.
I am going to supply you
with a theme song.
I learned it in therapy.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Christmas is coming
The goose is getting fat
The animal rights groups
already took that one.
Oh. Okay.
How about this one now?
I used to date a hockey player
and he loved it.
All I want for Christmas
Is my two front teeth
No, no, no, that's stupid.
Okay. How about this?
Dashing through the snow
In a one-horse open sleigh
All the dashing through
the snow and jingle bells?
That's what I do with Sam.
You never told me his name.
Sam.
Hey, how about we go to Detroit
for Christmas?
His mother takes him to her
parents' in Canada.
But you're so sweet to offer.
When you said you sit at your piano
when you feel empty, what do you play?
"New York, New York."
"Shout."
I have to pee.
God, that's so romantic.
But when I get back, you're gonna
play me something.
Thank you all for coming.
It's good to be in Boston.
Here's a little something.
It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
Singing songs of joy, good peace
Wish I had a river
I could skate away on
But it don 't snow here
It stays pretty green
Gonna make a lot money
Then I'm gonna quit this crazy scene
Oh, wish I had a river
I could skate away on
Oh, I wish I had a river
I made my baby cry
See?
No singing.
You just move.
Hey!
There are very few words,
you just move.
- Oh, balls!
- No, this will work.
You kind of talk-sing the song.
I want to tell you a story
You put your mouth to the mike,
flush against it.
Full reverb.
- You try it.
- All right.
I want to tell you...
Too close.
I want to tell you a story
- Excellent. You can do this.
- Who am I kidding?
The girl. To sleep with her.
What if I fall flat on my face?
- You won't.
- How can you be sure?
Don't worry. I'll have
an insurance policy in place.
What kind of insurance?
Flirt with the whole bar?
Smile, ask them as a favor, could they
cheer while John is up there singing?
Why is John singing, anyway?
To impress a girl.
These are hard times for him.
It's Christmas. He used
to have a beautiful woman.
It was you, Nelle.
I'm asking you and Ling
to charm a few recruits.
I don't think people will cheer
because I ask them to.
Nelle, men will do anything for you.
One look.
They want to whisk you away. You
have that effect. It's the hair.
- The look on his face.
- You worried?
Well, it was a hugely sad song, Renee.
One of the things that I love
about him is he has this ability...
...to lift me out of my gloom.
Now I think his despair
runs deeper than mine.
Ally, all this sadness?
It's Christmas.
Christmas is supposed to be
a time of joy.
Oh, please. What's everybody's
favorite Christmas movie?
It's A Wonderful Life?
Jimmy Stewart.
He tries to commit suicide.
He jumps off a bridge.
It broke my heart
to listen to him sing that song.
- He's gonna be fine.
- And how can you be sure?
He's got you.
I was playing with my toys on the rug.
I wasn't really watching the TV.
When I heard "Santa Claus," I looked
up. That's when I heard it.
Tell us what you heard.
I heard that man say there
was no Santa Claus.
Okay. And can you tell us
how that made you feel?
Would you like to take a break, son?
Actually, Your Honor,
I have no further questions.
Hi, Jacob. My name is Ling.
You think you can continue?
- How old are you, Jacob?
- I'm 8.
Eight! What are you,
first grade? Second?
- Third.
- Third!
So you read, do math.
You look like a smart kid.
Ever been in an airplane?
Yeah. Last year, I went to Disneyland
in California. It was a jet.
A jet? I bet a jet goes fast.
Seven hundred miles per hour.
Whoosh!
Jacob.
Truthfully, when you heard
Mr. Stevens' broadcast...
...you knew there
was no Santa, didn't you?
No, I did not!
No need to get loud...
...sweetheart.
You thought Santa delivered presents
all over the world?
On Christmas Eve.
So it takes a jet going seven
hundred miles per hour...
...six hours to fly
across one country...
...and you thought eight reindeer could
lug a big sled all over in one night?
Isn't that a little dopey
to think that, Jacob?
Can we talk about the size
of Santa's bag?
That little sack has enough toys
for 300 million children?
- Are you retarded, Jacob?
- Objection!
I'm trying to find out what
he believed. He seems smart.
You thought one fat old man living
on the North Pole was making toys...
...for every child to be carried
in one bag, one sleigh, in one night?
Well, I know it's a little dubious.
How about "He sees you
when you're sleeping"?
- That I always wondered about.
- "Knows if you've been bad or good."
Um...
What about Rudolph's nose,
cutting through the fog?
Oh, I never believed that!
Ever wonder why all those toys
Santa makes...
...Look like the ones
you see at Toys 'R' Us?
It's a little suspicious.
What's Santa do in Florida? Lots
of snow there for his sleigh, right?
- Objection!
- Jacob, you seem intelligent.
I want you to tell us what you really
think of the idea of Santa Claus.
It's stupid!
Wow! Now that
is the Christmas spirit.
I thought you'd like it.
Ally, I'm sorry if I've been
a wet blanket.
I know Christmas is important
to you, and I won't spoil things.
Are you trying to have a serious
conversation with a red blinking nose?
I'm sorry.
Better?
You are the biggest nut I've ever met.
That's a good thing?
It's a good thing.
Now. Come on.
I am going to take you to see
your positive influence at work.
What positive influence?
When I'm stuck with a day
That's gray and lonely
Oh, the sun 'll come out tomorrow
There's gotta be a law against this.
Look over there.
Come what may
Tomorrow
I love you, tomorrow
You're always a day away
Everybody!
Tomorrow, tomorrow
I love you, tomorrow
You're always a day
Away
- I think it worked.
- Maybe.
Just think, John, when you sing...
It's only a day away
- Mr. Larry.
- Miss Kimmie. Again!
Is this fate? You think maybe you
and I are meant to procreate?
- I'm not at ease with coarse humor.
- You suing somebody?
I'm here to see my John.
He's giving his closing arguments.
- He's closing now?
- As we speak.
Where is the evidence
that any child got hurt?
Now, Mr. Stark called his own
grandson into action.
But the reality is that when kids
do get hurt on this...
...it's not the reveal
that there's no Santa.
It's the reveal that maybe
their parents lied to them.
Kendall Stevens?
He was really counseling children not
to feel betrayed by this deception.
And he was also saying, let
your parents indulge this illusion.
Why?
Well...
...because the fact is that we need
Santa Claus much more than kids do.
We live in the real world.
And it's harsh.
We're exposed to ugly truths.
We bear witness to evidence
that dreams don't always come true.
And when December comes along...
...it's nice. It's nice to cling
to Santa and all he represents...
...to relive the innocence
of childhood.
To recapture those feelings
of joy and magic and song.
Feelings that have left us.
Santa is a device
for the parents sometimes...
...to experience the love
and the gift of the child.
And we need it.
What the child actually needs
is love and trust...
...and yes, the magic of his parents.
It was that sacred union which Kendall
Stevens was trying to safeguard...
...with his broadcast...
...knowing that a child craves
the honesty of Mom and Dad...
...more than he needs the illusion
of old Saint Nick down a chimney.
The severance of parent and child...
...and their mutual trust.
That's the tragedy Kendall Stevens
was trying to address.
He decides to tell the world
there's no Santa Claus.
He exposes the station
to tremendous bad will.
He knows that it is against the
wishes and interests of the station.
He violates the trust
of his employer...
...so of course, we have
the right to terminate him.
You can't let him sing.
- Ally, it's his choice.
- He will embarrass himself.
- I thought you were great.
- Thank you. I appreciate that.
- Get any dates out of it?
- It wasn't that.
Did you get one?
- No, I didn't. All right?
- Would you like one?
Richard!
- A date? With you?
- Yes.
- You're asking me out?
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Great.
- I know this is a stupid question but...
- I don't have a penis.
- Excellent. 8:00?
- Great.
- Larry. Hey.
- Hi.
- Is everything okay?
- Yeah, listen, um...
I know John is singing tonight
and I wouldn't ask you to miss it.
Would you mind if I missed it?
No.
For whatever reason, I'm having
a week, and I need a night alone.
- Okay.
- Okay. Thanks.
Good night.
Madame Foreperson, the jury
has reached its verdict?
- We have, Your Honor.
- What say you?
"On the matter of Stevens versus WKGB,
the count of wrongful termination...
...we find in favor
of the defendant."
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
thank for your service.
That sucks.
I'm sorry, Kendall.
It was a long shot. You did great.
Well, maybe I'll get a job
playing Santa.
- Best of luck.
- Thanks again.
I'm sorry you lost.
You were brilliant.
Oh, well, thank you.
This won't affect your performance,
will it?
No, I'm sure not.
[NOSE SQUEAKS]
I can't believe John
is going through with this.
Maybe not. Where is he?
Are you sure he's okay?
Mommy, he went on tour when he was
in college. Isn't this exciting?
I've sent signals to you.
You never picked up on them.
- Like when you'd dry-hump me?
- That would be one of them.
I've flirted with the entire bar.
And they'll cheer?
I got oral commitments
from half the room.
I got the other half.
Are you okay?
Yeah. I'm fine.
I should be with him,
but he wanted to be alone.
So let him be alone.
Isn't Christmas
supposed to be fun, Renee?
Ready for some music?
My man.
Let's heat it up in here!
You're looking real good, baby.
Foxy.
Isn't he darling?
I could eat him up.
All right.
I want to tell you a story
Every man ought to know
If you want a little loving
You gotta go real slow
Hey
Ha
Ho
He's not bad.
I was better, right?
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
You're a great audience. Thank you.
Well, what if he actually
thought he was good...
...and he wants to sing again?
We are not gonna let that happen.
I lied.
I only wanted to be alone
most of the night.
Hey.
RENEE:
Well, I'm gonna go to bed.
Unless you need me.
No, I can make do.
Night-night, Larry.
Good night, Renee.
So how long have you been here?
Ah...
An hour or so.
I've been singing carols.
- Oh, right.
- No, I have.
I've made a comeback.
Sing me one?
And not the one that you
played before.
You pick it.
Okay, um...
- "Little Drummer Boy."
- That's peppy.
Okay, um.
"White Christmas."
That one I know.
How does it start?
With a dream.
Right.
I'm dreaming
Of a white Christmas
Just like the ones I used to know
Where the treetops glisten
And children listen
To hear
I'm dreaming
Of a white Christmas
With every Christmas card I write
May your days be merry and bright
And may all your Christmases be white
Easy, easy, easy.
LARRY:
Isn't it a little early for a tree?
ALLY: Christmas starts as soon
as you put up a tree.
I think the world could extend
the yuletide spirit a week.
[HORN HONKS]
- Bite me!
- There's the spirit.
Decorate the tree, sit on the couch,
make an eggnog...
I always hated Christmas.
Uh-oh.
I should've saved that for later.
I don't know if I can be with a man
who hates Christmas.
I'm allergic to down feathers
in a couch.
There's cholesterol in eggnog.
The tree is a fire hazard,
and twinkly lights can cause seizures.
That's why you hate Christmas?
That, and I'm always alone.
Oh.
Well, you're not gonna be alone
this Christmas.
Could you say that again?
You're not gonna be alone
this Christmas.
What?
Let's go decorate the tree.
I can't wait.
VONDA SINGS:
I've been down this road
'Tis the Season
Walking the line
That's painted by pride
And I have made mistakes in my life
That I just can 't hide
Oh, I believe I am ready
For what love has to bring
I got myself together
Yeah, now I'm ready to sing
I've been searching my soul tonight
I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine a light
To find my way back home
Oh, baby, yeah
Oh, yeah
First up, Stevens vs. WKGB. John?
- Yes.
- Yes?
What's the case? WKGB, is it
a Russian spy thing?
WKGB is a local news station, Richard.
Perhaps you've caught it inadvertently
while surfing your titty shows.
Funny. Latin woman, big breasts?
One of the anchors, yes.
Another is Kendall Stevens.
He was discharged. We're suing
for wrongful termination.
Ling is second chair.
- Why was he fired?
- For excessive truth-telling.
He announced on the morning
newscast that there was no Santa...
...resulting in his discharge.
- He said there was no Santa?
You didn't know?
- How could he?
NELLE: Oh, please.
He's nothing but a dangerous myth.
Fat alcoholic.
He's a pedophile too.
Gets kids to sit on his lap...
...while promising toys.
I salute our client.
Last year you loved Santa Claus.
He was in last year. Now he's out.
- Hey.
- Larry.
Sweetie.
What are you doing here?
- I missed you and it's only 9:30.
- That's sweet.
This is a workplace. Could you drip
over each other someplace else?
- Okay, um...
- Huh.
Something's wrong. Um.
Can you excuse me for just
a little bit of...
...a second.
Slept with her yet? It's not my
business, so yes or no would suffice.
I run a business here.
I need my litigators hungry.
If she's being satiated, I need
to know. Protect the firm.
So are you two...?
Ally's told me so much about you...
...and I believed little of it.
I make a dent.
Have all my life.
And you're making one now.
We've always talked to each other.
When there is a problem...
...we talk.
It's just, you know, you're part
of the problem.
Well, then, you...
I am?
I'm happy for your happiness, Ally.
I'm thrilled for John and Kimmie,
Richard and Ling.
I see couples everywhere.
Happy, smiling, disgusting,
kissy-face couples.
It makes me sick.
I'm tired of being alone.
I used to mope. Now I want to get
a gun and mow down all the couples.
The stupid, sucky-face, happy pigs.
Ah.
And Christmas is coming. The worst.
I sit at home and all the TV shows
are about love.
I get depressed and have a drink.
Then I'm at a bar with some stranger,
offering up my vagina.
- Well, you...
- Do you like music?
- I'm sorry?
- Ally tells me that you love music.
As do I. In fact, when I'm feeling
empty, like I do in December...
...I sit at my piano at night
and just sing a little.
You'd be surprised what an
incredible companion music can be.
It's about applause with me.
Without an audience,
I have no use for music.
Well...
They let you sing at the bar?
They discourage it.
They say I make it about me.
What you need to do is find a song
that makes you feel better.
I'm sure we can get you on stage.
Okay.
Thank you.
What?
Well, it's just
the way that you...
...handle the Kimmies
and the Elaines of the world.
How about the Allies?
Tell me why you can't
handle Christmas.
I did.
Your parents will tell you he's real
because they love you.
They want you to enjoy the myth of
"ho, ho, ho," sugar plums and elves.
They'll tell you lies
that their parents told...
... because they want to surround you
with the magic feeling of Christmas.
It's fine to pretend
with your parents...
... that there really is
such a thing as Santa Claus.
Enjoy it like a good story.
As you would Jack and the Beanstalk
or the Easter Bunny or Peter Pan.
But no giant's going to fall out
of the sky chasing a golden goose.
No rabbit's going to sneak
into your house with chocolate eggs.
And there won 't be any Santa Claus
coming down your chimney, for real.
This is Kendall Stevens.
You shattered quite a few myths there.
Any child old enough to be watching
the news probably already knows.
- If not, they should.
- Why?
Sometime he's going to know.
If the news comes from another kid,
it won't be broken gently.
I remember the day I found out.
It was a huge betrayal.
My parents had lied to me.
My son, when he found out at 7
from an older kid at school...
...he came home, looked at me
and said:
"I trusted you."
That's when I realized, this is
a fundamental lie to children.
Did you tell your producers
you would say this?
No.
You defied producers
and exposed the station to negative...
- I knew it wouldn't be popular.
- But what? It was news?
It was the truth.
As much as you disagree
with my broadcast...
...a newsman should never be fired
for broadcasting the truth.
JOHN:
I remember when I found out.
I was shopping with my mother.
I sat on the department store Santa,
told him all about this special...
...steam train I wanted, which was
green with red stripes.
Then we left the store, came to a
street corner, and there was Santa...
...ringing a bell.
He was black. I thought it was odd.
Got from here to there so fast
and changed color.
But, I thought, he's Santa.
He's magic.
And then he looked at me with no
recognition whatsoever and said:
"Well, little one, what would you
like for Christmas?"
And I knew right then
this whole thing was a fraud.
That's awful.
I found out my
freshman year in college.
You have been sheltered
your whole life.
Oh, not as much as people think.
- I dated a rock star.
- You did?
Well, one date.
I met him after the concert.
I'd known him an hour when he asked me
to touch his willy, so it didn't last.
Still, the idea of you
and a rock star?
Actually, every boy I ever dated
was a singer of some sorts.
- Really?
- I love singers.
I don't know why.
- Do you sing?
- Me?
Yeah. I had a band in college.
You did?
It was no big deal.
It was just rock'n'roll.
Did people go wild for you?
Ahh, they... I'd get them pretty
whipped up. But it was years ago.
I've decided I know what I want
for my Christmas present.
What?
I want you to sing a song for me
at the bar.
Oh, that...
Th-th... No, I...
I don't perform anymore.
But you would sing one song
just for me, right?
Well...
[NOSE SQUEAKS]
It's my tuning nose.
You really do love Christmas,
don't you?
Well...
...yes.
- Why don't you?
- Uh-oh. It's an issue.
Should we settle this before
we name children?
Seriously, Larry.
It's a little premature to say it,
not to mention presumptuous, but...
...I'd think twice about having kids
with a man who doesn't like Christmas.
So if we got married, we could just
skip the children part?
I'm being serious.
I would like you to be.
Okay.
I have a child.
What?
I have a son. He's 7 years old.
Why didn't you tell me this before?
Because I'm ashamed.
You're ashamed of having a son?
I'm ashamed I don't
see him every day...
...and he's growing up
mostly without his father.
Well, where is he?
He's in Detroit...
...with his mother.
I thought your ex-wife lived
here in Boston.
She does.
Oh, you had this child
with another woman.
Merry Christmas.
- Why did you say you sang?
- I don't know.
She said all the men she loved sang...
...then I promised her a number.
- You did what?
- As a Christmas present. What'll I do?
She's expecting a real singer.
A performer.
- John, you care about this woman?
- I believe I do. Yeah.
- This could be something real?
- It's entirely possible.
Then there's only one thing
you can do.
Lie bigger.
Say you have a throat polyp.
I'm not gonna follow up one lie
with another.
There's nothing more fundamental
to a relationship than honesty.
If she finds out you've lied? You
gotta lie again. It's your only out.
I'm gonna just tell her the truth.
- Mistake.
- I'll do it at lunch.
- Have you picked your song?
- No.
I'm looking for the perfect one
that speaks to me.
Something pretty. Something that
coincides with my current self.
Elaine? I love music,
don't get me wrong.
Is climbing into the spotlight for
attention the way to fix loneliness?
Well, that's what I look for in a man.
Attention.
It seems a little desperate to me.
This from a man who dates women
with schlongs?
I'm sorry. That was rude.
Mark?
I haven't had a real boyfriend
in seven years.
I am desperate.
A television station has
an obligation to its viewers.
We build a trust with our audience.
We expect our anchors to honor it.
This was a breach.
- Announcing there is no Santa Claus?
- Absolutely.
We incurred the wrath of our trusted
public. Goodwill we'd cultivated...
...obliterated by his anti-American,
anti-Yuletide, anti-humanity stance.
Everyone at WKGB is chagrined
and remains chagrined.
As a gesture to our viewers, who
put their trust in our good name...
...we owed it to them
to discharge the transgressor...
...of this mean-spirited,
unscripted, cynical proclamation.
Ratings go down after he
declared no Santa?
No, but there's more to television
news, my good man, than ratings.
The business of goodwill.
We certainly can't condone
an anchorman...
...speaking in a manner
that injures children.
- Some were hurt?
- Very much so.
You know of children who got hurt?
My own grandson, Jacob Ray,
8 years old. He was devastated.
In his living room, his parents
trusting our good name...
...suddenly he hears "no Santa Claus."
The child was poleaxed, yes, he was.
Ratings did not go down, your anchors
ad-lib all the time.
It was because he poleaxed
little children?
Primarily, yes. It was reckless.
Reckless, I tell you.
I have nothing further, Your Honor.
Your Honor, we next call
to the stand little Jacob Ray.
I object to that.
We'd like to demonstrate the effect
this announcement had on children.
It's manipulative.
I'll allow it after lunch.
Until then we're adjourned.
- Hey.
- Ally, hi.
It's a nice tree.
- You okay?
- Me? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm fine. Why?
Well, you just looked a little
disappointed about...
You having a son?
Yeah. Are you?
Disappointed?
No.
Look, Larry, I won't lie.
I'd like to believe I'm the first
woman you ever looked at, much less...
But, see, you're gonna
have to forgive me, because I...
...have spent my life making a list
of how it'll go when I meet somebody.
As I've gotten older, I've become
more willing to make compromises.
There's only one prerequisite left
on the list for the man in my life.
What's that?
I have to love him.
These Christmas blues?
Are they connected to your son?
Very much.
Can you tell me?
Until he was 3
his mother and I were together.
This was before I married and became
un-together with somebody else.
And he loves the snow.
Well, Christmastime...
All that stuff that you find
magical about Christmas, the tree...
...the stockings...
...the sleigh rides and making angels.
I did all that with him.
And now I don't have him.
So I...
I don't really have Christmas.
Ally, when you do have a child,
no matter...
...how much you think you're
prepared for it, you'll be stunned...
...by the capacity you have
to love somebody.
I believe a child should be able to
hold on to Santa as long as possible.
We didn't tell Kimmie till she was
in college.
I hope you don't mind
Mommy being here.
Oh, no.
She usually comes on all my dates.
Really?
One problem Kimmie's had with
courting is she becomes guarded.
Having me with her puts her at ease.
Yes. Makes sense.
Um...
Actually, Kimmie, I have a little
confession of my own to make.
- When I said I was a singer...
- You are?
- Can you believe it?
- Well, hello.
- Did I say you'd be with a singer?
- Don't embarrass me.
Do you play an instrument, John?
You were gonna be truthful.
- The mother threw me.
- Yes, the mother.
She brings her mother on dates.
She's bringing her tonight
and tomorrow.
They both expect to hear me sing.
I told you to lie.
That's the best I can do.
Can you do your Barry White thing?
No, I told her it was rock'n'roll.
I'm fraught.
What's the problem?
Bob Dylan's been singing for 35 years.
Never hit a note.
A lot of songs don't have melodies.
Pick a song where you talk the words.
Oh, balls.
She'll never fall for that.
What about movement?
I step like I'm trying to kill bugs.
I can help. I've been doing
movement to make me a hotter lover.
See, I'll get you through this, John.
Let's talk about the mother.
Tomorrow, tomorrow
I love you, tomorrow
Could you guys fake keeping up?
You're always a day...
All right.
You guys can go home now,
but I need you back early.
I've got to check on wardrobe.
5:30 sharp.
Let's show up with our heads on
this time.
Tomorrow
Elaine? Is that your song?
Isn't it perfect? It's about
waking up to a better world.
I chose it because it's poignant.
Well, she seems more buoyant, anyway.
Did you bring me here for Elaine's
music or get me drunk on eggnog?
The eggnogs are virgin, thank you.
I happen to be an expert on getting
people into the Christmas spirit.
You present
a particularly tough challenge.
But I'm gonna break you down.
Come on.
Where are we going?
You said music was your big companion.
- Yeah, but now I have you.
- I need you to sit at the piano.
I am going to supply you
with a theme song.
I learned it in therapy.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Christmas is coming
The goose is getting fat
The animal rights groups
already took that one.
Oh. Okay.
How about this one now?
I used to date a hockey player
and he loved it.
All I want for Christmas
Is my two front teeth
No, no, no, that's stupid.
Okay. How about this?
Dashing through the snow
In a one-horse open sleigh
All the dashing through
the snow and jingle bells?
That's what I do with Sam.
You never told me his name.
Sam.
Hey, how about we go to Detroit
for Christmas?
His mother takes him to her
parents' in Canada.
But you're so sweet to offer.
When you said you sit at your piano
when you feel empty, what do you play?
"New York, New York."
"Shout."
I have to pee.
God, that's so romantic.
But when I get back, you're gonna
play me something.
Thank you all for coming.
It's good to be in Boston.
Here's a little something.
It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
Singing songs of joy, good peace
Wish I had a river
I could skate away on
But it don 't snow here
It stays pretty green
Gonna make a lot money
Then I'm gonna quit this crazy scene
Oh, wish I had a river
I could skate away on
Oh, I wish I had a river
I made my baby cry
See?
No singing.
You just move.
Hey!
There are very few words,
you just move.
- Oh, balls!
- No, this will work.
You kind of talk-sing the song.
I want to tell you a story
You put your mouth to the mike,
flush against it.
Full reverb.
- You try it.
- All right.
I want to tell you...
Too close.
I want to tell you a story
- Excellent. You can do this.
- Who am I kidding?
The girl. To sleep with her.
What if I fall flat on my face?
- You won't.
- How can you be sure?
Don't worry. I'll have
an insurance policy in place.
What kind of insurance?
Flirt with the whole bar?
Smile, ask them as a favor, could they
cheer while John is up there singing?
Why is John singing, anyway?
To impress a girl.
These are hard times for him.
It's Christmas. He used
to have a beautiful woman.
It was you, Nelle.
I'm asking you and Ling
to charm a few recruits.
I don't think people will cheer
because I ask them to.
Nelle, men will do anything for you.
One look.
They want to whisk you away. You
have that effect. It's the hair.
- The look on his face.
- You worried?
Well, it was a hugely sad song, Renee.
One of the things that I love
about him is he has this ability...
...to lift me out of my gloom.
Now I think his despair
runs deeper than mine.
Ally, all this sadness?
It's Christmas.
Christmas is supposed to be
a time of joy.
Oh, please. What's everybody's
favorite Christmas movie?
It's A Wonderful Life?
Jimmy Stewart.
He tries to commit suicide.
He jumps off a bridge.
It broke my heart
to listen to him sing that song.
- He's gonna be fine.
- And how can you be sure?
He's got you.
I was playing with my toys on the rug.
I wasn't really watching the TV.
When I heard "Santa Claus," I looked
up. That's when I heard it.
Tell us what you heard.
I heard that man say there
was no Santa Claus.
Okay. And can you tell us
how that made you feel?
Would you like to take a break, son?
Actually, Your Honor,
I have no further questions.
Hi, Jacob. My name is Ling.
You think you can continue?
- How old are you, Jacob?
- I'm 8.
Eight! What are you,
first grade? Second?
- Third.
- Third!
So you read, do math.
You look like a smart kid.
Ever been in an airplane?
Yeah. Last year, I went to Disneyland
in California. It was a jet.
A jet? I bet a jet goes fast.
Seven hundred miles per hour.
Whoosh!
Jacob.
Truthfully, when you heard
Mr. Stevens' broadcast...
...you knew there
was no Santa, didn't you?
No, I did not!
No need to get loud...
...sweetheart.
You thought Santa delivered presents
all over the world?
On Christmas Eve.
So it takes a jet going seven
hundred miles per hour...
...six hours to fly
across one country...
...and you thought eight reindeer could
lug a big sled all over in one night?
Isn't that a little dopey
to think that, Jacob?
Can we talk about the size
of Santa's bag?
That little sack has enough toys
for 300 million children?
- Are you retarded, Jacob?
- Objection!
I'm trying to find out what
he believed. He seems smart.
You thought one fat old man living
on the North Pole was making toys...
...for every child to be carried
in one bag, one sleigh, in one night?
Well, I know it's a little dubious.
How about "He sees you
when you're sleeping"?
- That I always wondered about.
- "Knows if you've been bad or good."
Um...
What about Rudolph's nose,
cutting through the fog?
Oh, I never believed that!
Ever wonder why all those toys
Santa makes...
...Look like the ones
you see at Toys 'R' Us?
It's a little suspicious.
What's Santa do in Florida? Lots
of snow there for his sleigh, right?
- Objection!
- Jacob, you seem intelligent.
I want you to tell us what you really
think of the idea of Santa Claus.
It's stupid!
Wow! Now that
is the Christmas spirit.
I thought you'd like it.
Ally, I'm sorry if I've been
a wet blanket.
I know Christmas is important
to you, and I won't spoil things.
Are you trying to have a serious
conversation with a red blinking nose?
I'm sorry.
Better?
You are the biggest nut I've ever met.
That's a good thing?
It's a good thing.
Now. Come on.
I am going to take you to see
your positive influence at work.
What positive influence?
When I'm stuck with a day
That's gray and lonely
Oh, the sun 'll come out tomorrow
There's gotta be a law against this.
Look over there.
Come what may
Tomorrow
I love you, tomorrow
You're always a day away
Everybody!
Tomorrow, tomorrow
I love you, tomorrow
You're always a day
Away
- I think it worked.
- Maybe.
Just think, John, when you sing...
It's only a day away
- Mr. Larry.
- Miss Kimmie. Again!
Is this fate? You think maybe you
and I are meant to procreate?
- I'm not at ease with coarse humor.
- You suing somebody?
I'm here to see my John.
He's giving his closing arguments.
- He's closing now?
- As we speak.
Where is the evidence
that any child got hurt?
Now, Mr. Stark called his own
grandson into action.
But the reality is that when kids
do get hurt on this...
...it's not the reveal
that there's no Santa.
It's the reveal that maybe
their parents lied to them.
Kendall Stevens?
He was really counseling children not
to feel betrayed by this deception.
And he was also saying, let
your parents indulge this illusion.
Why?
Well...
...because the fact is that we need
Santa Claus much more than kids do.
We live in the real world.
And it's harsh.
We're exposed to ugly truths.
We bear witness to evidence
that dreams don't always come true.
And when December comes along...
...it's nice. It's nice to cling
to Santa and all he represents...
...to relive the innocence
of childhood.
To recapture those feelings
of joy and magic and song.
Feelings that have left us.
Santa is a device
for the parents sometimes...
...to experience the love
and the gift of the child.
And we need it.
What the child actually needs
is love and trust...
...and yes, the magic of his parents.
It was that sacred union which Kendall
Stevens was trying to safeguard...
...with his broadcast...
...knowing that a child craves
the honesty of Mom and Dad...
...more than he needs the illusion
of old Saint Nick down a chimney.
The severance of parent and child...
...and their mutual trust.
That's the tragedy Kendall Stevens
was trying to address.
He decides to tell the world
there's no Santa Claus.
He exposes the station
to tremendous bad will.
He knows that it is against the
wishes and interests of the station.
He violates the trust
of his employer...
...so of course, we have
the right to terminate him.
You can't let him sing.
- Ally, it's his choice.
- He will embarrass himself.
- I thought you were great.
- Thank you. I appreciate that.
- Get any dates out of it?
- It wasn't that.
Did you get one?
- No, I didn't. All right?
- Would you like one?
Richard!
- A date? With you?
- Yes.
- You're asking me out?
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Great.
- I know this is a stupid question but...
- I don't have a penis.
- Excellent. 8:00?
- Great.
- Larry. Hey.
- Hi.
- Is everything okay?
- Yeah, listen, um...
I know John is singing tonight
and I wouldn't ask you to miss it.
Would you mind if I missed it?
No.
For whatever reason, I'm having
a week, and I need a night alone.
- Okay.
- Okay. Thanks.
Good night.
Madame Foreperson, the jury
has reached its verdict?
- We have, Your Honor.
- What say you?
"On the matter of Stevens versus WKGB,
the count of wrongful termination...
...we find in favor
of the defendant."
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
thank for your service.
That sucks.
I'm sorry, Kendall.
It was a long shot. You did great.
Well, maybe I'll get a job
playing Santa.
- Best of luck.
- Thanks again.
I'm sorry you lost.
You were brilliant.
Oh, well, thank you.
This won't affect your performance,
will it?
No, I'm sure not.
[NOSE SQUEAKS]
I can't believe John
is going through with this.
Maybe not. Where is he?
Are you sure he's okay?
Mommy, he went on tour when he was
in college. Isn't this exciting?
I've sent signals to you.
You never picked up on them.
- Like when you'd dry-hump me?
- That would be one of them.
I've flirted with the entire bar.
And they'll cheer?
I got oral commitments
from half the room.
I got the other half.
Are you okay?
Yeah. I'm fine.
I should be with him,
but he wanted to be alone.
So let him be alone.
Isn't Christmas
supposed to be fun, Renee?
Ready for some music?
My man.
Let's heat it up in here!
You're looking real good, baby.
Foxy.
Isn't he darling?
I could eat him up.
All right.
I want to tell you a story
Every man ought to know
If you want a little loving
You gotta go real slow
Hey
Ha
Ho
He's not bad.
I was better, right?
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
You're a great audience. Thank you.
Well, what if he actually
thought he was good...
...and he wants to sing again?
We are not gonna let that happen.
I lied.
I only wanted to be alone
most of the night.
Hey.
RENEE:
Well, I'm gonna go to bed.
Unless you need me.
No, I can make do.
Night-night, Larry.
Good night, Renee.
So how long have you been here?
Ah...
An hour or so.
I've been singing carols.
- Oh, right.
- No, I have.
I've made a comeback.
Sing me one?
And not the one that you
played before.
You pick it.
Okay, um...
- "Little Drummer Boy."
- That's peppy.
Okay, um.
"White Christmas."
That one I know.
How does it start?
With a dream.
Right.
I'm dreaming
Of a white Christmas
Just like the ones I used to know
Where the treetops glisten
And children listen
To hear
I'm dreaming
Of a white Christmas
With every Christmas card I write
May your days be merry and bright
And may all your Christmases be white