Ally McBeal (1997–2002): Season 4, Episode 7 - Love on Holiday - full transcript
The attorneys of Cage and Fish are auctioning themselves off for charity in a date auction. Nelle and Ling have a rivalry as they each believe that they are the hottest woman and the desire of all men's fantasies. For Nelle, her date turns into a day with a stranger where she learns to let go of her intimacy issues. Whereas for Richard, his date completely plays into his severe homosexuality issues. Elaine, John and Ally all have love issues to work out with their respective partners too.
You're mama 's yapping in the back seat
Tell her to push over
And move them big feet
Well, this morning I'd fight
And tell her I give up
Tell her she wins
She should just shut up
Is he singing about me and Mommy?
Of course not.
It sounds very on point.
You can tell her there's lots...
Don't be ridiculous.
She'll be walking down this block
She can take the subway back
He's really good.
Isn't he?
Gross.
But I didn 't count
On this packaged deal
He's singing about us!
He is!
Don't be ab-ab-s...
- silly.
She keeps talking
She'll be walking down this block
VONDA SINGS:
I've been down this road
Love On Holiday
Walking the line
That's painted by pride
And I have made mistakes in my life
That I just can 't hide
Oh, I believe I am ready
For what love has to bring
I got myself together
Yeah, now I'm ready to sing
I've been searching my soul tonight
I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine a light
To find my way back home
Oh, baby, yeah
Oh, yeah
It's not natural that
you haven't slept with him.
- Why?
- You've been together a month.
Not every couple jumps
right into bed, Ling.
Oh, that's right, Elaine. You wait
and count to three first. I forgot.
NELLE: A relationship doesn't
have to be about sex...
...but I'd ask myself,
"If he doesn't want it?"
- He wants it.
- Just not from you.
Look. When you meet the right man...
...which none of you have,
with the exception of Ling.
Richard Fish is your perfect
soul mate.
You do not rush it.
You hold longing stares.
You have an extended courtship.
That first touch of the hand?
You relish it.
The first kiss? You savor it.
You become, um, patient
when you know that it's right.
You don't race.
Now, I love where I am
with Larry at this moment.
I am not gonna let these times
get preempted by a horny moment.
It's...
No...
First up. We have that
charity auction tomorrow at lunch.
It's one date for a good cause.
This year, I think it's cripples.
I got names in a hat... Cup.
First man and woman drawn will do it.
I don't want any complaints.
Me. Damn it. Do-overs.
- No, no, no, no.
- All right. All right. Nelle.
Oh, yuck.
Bid on me, Ling.
I don't want to be stuck with a beast.
Forgive me one second. Ally...
...was your little squeezebox making
fun of my Kimmie situation last night?
My "little squeezebox"?
I heard him sing "Package Deal."
"Tell the mother to stop yapping"?
He looked at us too. Now, I don't
appreciate that kind of garbage.
Um...
John, Bruce Springsteen
wrote that song.
- I don't think he had you in mind.
- Oh, yeah.
Get flippant. That'll mitigate
the offense just fine.
- He marked on John's turf.
- We needn't hear from you, Goldilocks.
Excuse me.
We've been sued by the Peanut.
- Excuse me?
- Sexual harassment.
Who's the Peanut?
This librarian clerk, left a year ago.
Sexual harassment?
Anybody here harass him?
- Right.
- Well...
Elaine? In my office, please.
Ling, Mark, you two will handle this.
I'm tired of getting sued for this.
- What was that?
- What?
Oh. It's nothing.
I think you know that Larry
wasn't ridiculing you.
Oh, maybe I feel
deserving of ridicule.
I'm a grown man dating a woman
who takes her mother on dates.
I mean, what the hell is that?
Didn't she go on
the first few dates alone?
But as the relationship deepens, she's
more prone to emotional intimacy.
For that, she needs Mommie Dearest.
Look, Ally, I'm an odd man myself...
John.
Obviously, you care about her.
So much so, that you even pretended
to be a rock 'n' roll singer.
Why don't you talk to her and
tell her the mother is unacceptable?
She's fine for holidays,
but not dates.
It says you repeatedly
offered him sex.
It was a joke. He knew I was joking.
We're friends. It makes no sense.
It also says that you
made him eat your underwear?
I never made him.
I just showed my inventions to him.
I invented edible cherry underwear
and offered it once as a light snack.
- Ling, you're fired.
- What?
This case is legitimate.
I need a real lawyer, outside counsel.
Mark, hire Larry Paul. Do it now.
I'm very disappointed.
Hey, bitch. What's up?
You seem happy.
I'm fired from the Peanut case.
Let's go shopping.
Might as well. I need something
for the stupid auction.
It's for a good cause. Maybe somebody
rich and handsome will bid on you.
- Can you imagine how much I'd get?
- No, Ling. How much?
Tell you what.
Since it's such a great cause
why don't you volunteer?
I'll bet whatever's bid on you
that it won't be higher than my bid.
Nelle.
Come on, Ling,
Ms. "Every Man Wants Me."
You couldn't possibly
be afraid of losing.
It's just...
...how do I know you won't recruit
someone to bid more than you're worth?
Here's a flash: Men go nuts for me.
I'll admit you have this whole
dark-haired exotic thing going...
...but when it comes
to a man's true fantasy? I am it.
I'm tall, gorgeous.
I look like I have brains.
Which I, in fact, do have.
You?
You're short.
And you bite.
Ladies.
- Larry, I was just coming to see you.
- I was on my way to see you.
You were?
It's a good sign when a couple
can meet halfway.
Are we a good couple?
I see potential.
- What are you thinking?
- I don't believe in that.
Believe in what?
Telling each other
what we're thinking.
- Over-talking. It can make you lazy.
- I'm sorry?
Well, part of communication is silent
body language. Mood, you know?
Greeting each other.
Figuring it out instead of just...
...flipping to the back for answers.
I'm having trouble reading you then.
All right.
I'll tell you this one thing.
What?
Standing here, right now...
...I'm totally freezing.
- Let's go.
- Where?
Back to your office.
Richard Fish hired me.
He did? Why?
Something about peanuts.
PEANUT:
Even that nickname...
...I find insulting. Peanut.
- I never...
- Elaine.
- But you've always had that nickname.
- That means I had to endure it here?
- But you're suing her for what she did.
- Okay, look.
You wanted to dispose of this matter.
I'm not comfortable letting him speak.
Either an offer must be presented or
I must let my discomfort prevail here.
Daniel, you and I are friends.
Oh, no, I'm sorry, I can't allow that.
No, I cannot.
I'm not comfortable, off the record.
If you want to depose him,
I suggest we adjourn...
...come back with a stenographer.
Tomorrow.
Why don't we do that, then?
- Something's going on.
- What?
They're friends a week ago. Now he's
suddenly suing. He seems too angry...
Sorry.
I didn't appreciate that
"Package Deal" number last night.
If you sing it again, I'll damn well
have something to say about it.
John? I came as soon as I could.
What's wrong?
Is there a problem?
Well, yes.
A little one.
And I'd like to discuss it alone.
As in the two of us.
If it's a problem,
Mommy can help facilitate.
The problem is Mommy.
Notwithstanding all of the benefits
with respect to facilitating intimacy.
I really don't need or want an
emotional chaperon. I'm a big boy.
You're a big girl.
And I think we can navigate
this terrain without Mommy.
Can she think about this?
Fine.
You're in the auction?
My heart beats philanthropy.
What's going on?
That bitch Nelle thinks she can
raise more money than me.
- You think she can?
- That's a tough one.
In my experience blonds
are more expensive...
...but they don't have your warmth.
She had me try it on. A bra.
- It was for the face, was it not?
- Yes. But...
Was there anything sexual
about the bra or its purpose?
No, but...
It was about isolating facial muscles
to prevent wrinkles.
It's still a bra.
You've remained friendly
with Ms. Vassal, have you not?
Yes.
You've even had dinner together.
- Have you not?
- Yes.
- What changed?
- Since last year?
- You left on good terms.
MARK: You had dinner.
- And now?
- When you have...
LARRY: Obvious animosity.
- Towards her.
I'm not comfortable with you
teaming up to form a single question.
- My mistake.
- I apologize.
We both do.
You're trying to rattle me.
I'm thrown when two people talk.
It's this inner ear thing,
which she told you. Nice.
- Daniel.
- Objection.
What happened? One minute you're
friends. The next, you're suing her.
I was traumatized
by one of her little inventions.
LARRY: Which one?
- The Vi-Bra.
I can't even look at another woman's
breasts without experiencing vertigo.
The Vi-Bra?
What is the Vi-Bra?
It's a device deliberately
designed to titillate.
It was the last straw.
I left when she showed that one.
I thought maybe I could just
get by it, but I can't. I just can't.
- This is not why he quit.
- How does it vibrate?
Well, I hold a wireless remote and I
control it.
- All right. Show us.
- Okay. It has multiple features.
I can make them go up and down,
together or in opposite directions.
Side to side, same thing,
together or opposite.
Rolling, where they
go round and round.
I got that idea
from those massage chairs.
Soft vibrate, where they
just kind of shimmy.
That feels kind of cool for me.
Nipple projection.
In and out, varying degrees.
And then, augmented.
Sometimes you're in company
where you want to be bigger.
Sometimes not.
You invented that?
There are a few wrinkles still.
Cell phones.
Okay, the bid is $2500.
Who'll make it 25?
I will.
AUCTIONEER: $3000 in the back. We're
looking for $3250. $3250 over here!
How about $3500? Come on, $3500.
Look at how lovely she is.
Don't want to pass this opportunity.
$3500!
That girl is way overpriced.
- She does look pretty good.
AUCTIONEER: $4500! Thank you.
- Can we go?
- We're here to bid on Richard.
- He's afraid that he won't get bid on.
- How high can we go?
Up to a thousand.
AUCTIONEER: Now we'll look for an even
$4000. The gentleman right there.
Looking for $4500. You, sir.
How about $5500? Down over here.
Now we want a nice even six.
$6000 back to you again, sir.
Thank you.
We have a bid of $6000.
That bid of $6000 is going once.
Going twice.
Sold for $6000 to
the lucky gentlemen in blue.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
John?
Lynnie. Hello.
- May I sit?
- Certainly.
Obviously, Kimmie has some
rather severe social issues.
She's very intelligent but,
what can I say...
...she needs to have
her mother there to...
She's in therapy. And one day,
she'll hopefully feel the autonomy...
...to allow her to have
a relationship without the...
I guess I'm here right now...
...because I sense something
different in you, John.
You seem to see the beauty of my
daughter beneath her eccentricities.
I'm here to beg your continued
tolerance, if not indulgence.
I realize that even the best of people
come with their little quirks.
But I don't see how anyone
could carry on a relationship...
...under these circumstances.
Well, I guess you couldn't.
Until you try.
Couldn't we get together tonight
and try and talk it out?
She can come to talk it out.
Either she will choose
to trust me, or not.
Okay. I'll tell her.
Next, another lawyer.
Senior partner in his own firm.
Please welcome Richard Fish.
- Richard!
- Whoo!
We'll start the bidding
on Mr. Fish at just $500.
There's $500 in the back. Now, $ 750.
$ 750 down in the front here.
Now an even thousand.
We got a thousand in the back.
Looking for $ 1 250.
We got $ 1 250. Now $ 1500.
We got $ 1500. Now $2000.
We got $2000 over here.
- Looking... $3000 over here!
- I think he wants you to bid.
- I'm only authorized to a thousand.
AUCTIONEER: We're looking for five.
- He's trying to authorize more.
AUCTIONEER: Looking for 55. Got it!
Who's gonna make it 65?
We got 65 right here!
Anybody want to make further bids?
$6500 going once.
$6500 going twice.
Sold for $6500 to the gentleman.
Thank you, sir.
Yeah!
Next up, please welcome Ling Woo.
Or should I say, "Wow!"
We are going to open
the bidding at $5000.
I've got $5000 over here!
$6000! $ 7000!
$8000, $9000, $ 10,000.
We're looking for 1 2, 13, 14.
We've got $ 15,000.
Sixteen, 17, 18, 19.
Looking for 20.
Who'll make it 20? $20,000!
$21,000, looking for 22.
You can sit anywhere you like.
Is there a required time limit thing?
- For what?
- Our date.
Is this it? A trip to your office?
I'm busy. I can talk for
five minutes to make it official.
Are you serious?
You really expect me to date a man
who bids on women at auctions?
If I'm willing to date a woman
who allows herself to be bought...
That was for charity.
- Yes. And you seem like a real giver.
- Hey! What do you know? Time's up.
Guess it flies when you're having fun.
Let's see if you can fly, Superman.
I'll open a window.
Funny. It's a testament to your
unlikability that I didn't laugh.
- Do you not know where the door is?
- You said you'd open the window.
Here.
I'll give you a nice hug
and a peck on the lips.
You'll get your $6000 worth.
It was fun. Don't call me.
Look...
...I'm sorry.
I had no idea.
I'm really sorry.
Good.
Sorry about what?
I have a few therapist friends that...
I really didn't realize.
- Realize what?
- You have an intimacy disorder.
I thought it was just hostility.
But the rigidity of your body.
I do not have an intimacy disorder.
It's okay, Nelle.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
- I'm not ashamed of anything!
- You shouldn't be. You're beautiful.
- I can be plenty intimate, buster.
- Okay.
Well, it was nice meeting you.
- If you ever want to talk about it...
- I don't need...
How's that?
Wow.
That was amazing, actually.
But, intimacy isn't about giving.
It's receiving.
Well, kiss me, then.
- Go ahead.
- I'm not going to.
- Put your mouth to your diagnosis.
- Look.
Kiss me.
Well, okay.
Um...
Wow.
So.
Date's over?
We've been here three hours.
Is that bad?
I only bought one date.
I hate to think that this has been it.
It's almost over.
- Are you dying?
- What?
I don't know what made me say that.
I just got this rush that
I would never see you again.
Well, I certainly hope
you're not psychic.
This is very unusual for me.
What is?
To blow off work.
To have feelings.
I mean...
...primal feelings.
I'm not sure I like having them.
If you were never to see me again...
...how would you want
to spend the evening?
Why do you say that?
Oh, I don't know.
I've always said you should live life
like there's no tomorrow.
And I suppose I never have.
If there were no tomorrow...
- You did what?
- And I wanted to do more.
- Ling, can you believe it?
- No.
It's not like me to ever feel...
...hot. I mean, I might even enjoy...
...you know.
- Sex?
I don't understand it.
I don't even know him.
He's a rich doctor.
What else is there to know?
Ling? You gotta help me.
- What?
- Paul, the man who bought me?
He chooses where we go on our date.
He chose the bar.
That's nice.
We'll be there to rescue you.
- But I'll be seen with a man!
- I'm going to the bar with my date.
- If not to a hotel room.
- Hello? I need some help.
Paul says he has
a special feeling about me.
- Are you falling in love?
- Forget it.
Should I wear a different dress?
- What if she's not at our exact table?
- No! She can't be there at all.
John, my problem borders
on a disorder.
Have you never been with a man?
Of course not. I'm chaste.
Is your acute sense of morality...
...a convenient way of dealing
with your intimacy problems?
Perhaps.
Well, it's time to take the leap.
Will you catch me?
I'll try.
Elaine? Larry and I both think
we should make an offer.
Peanut's agreed to come in tomorrow.
We can settle it within the policy.
Oh. Okay.
- Mark, is everything okay?
- Fine.
- Will I see you later?
- Oh. Sure.
- What's going on?
- Excuse me?
- Why are you so cold?
- I'm not.
If you have a problem, say it.
Don't make me be the one with
the stones. We know you hate that.
Okay. My problem.
That's my problem, along with
the cherry-flavored underwear.
Why?
I enjoy promiscuity less when
it's coming from the girl I'm dating.
This is me.
You either choose to date me or not.
But this is who I am.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
Cell phone!
- You two are dating?
- We were.
- Since when?
- Since last week.
But all good things must end, I guess.
Hi, stranger.
Ah, oh, ah...
Ally, right?
Funny.
I've been, um...
...missing you.
- On purpose.
Funny, again.
Sorry to interrupt.
Hello, Mr. Larry.
I'm going on a date without my mother,
which has left me fraught.
Could you go with me tonight
to the bar as kind of a surrogate?
A surrogate mother?
Of course you can invite Mr. Larry.
The truth is, you give me balance.
Um...
Kimmie...
You wouldn't have to do anything.
Your presence would bolster...
- We'll be there.
- Oh, thank you.
When I'm here, I feel as if I walked
in halfway through the movie.
I'll get you up to speed.
You're just too good to be true
Can 't take my eyes off of you
- I can't believe I've known you only...
- Ten hours and 13 minutes.
- You counted the minutes?
- I sort of have to.
Why?
I have a long story.
A dance is part of the date, Richard.
- A fast dance, maybe. But...
- No, no, no. See, I paid $6500.
You seem really swell,
but I'm homophobic.
I have a note from the doctor.
Tell him.
Oh, this is a fast one.
Night and day and night
Day and night
You're just too good to be true
Thank you for being
so understanding, John.
Is it difficult being without her?
Well, I'm coping.
Well, I'm glad. Because the other...
Mommy's over there, Kimmie.
Did you know?
You doing okay?
Fine.
- Just thinking?
- Yeah.
I'm still not allowed
to ask you what about?
I may not be psychic, Greg,
but I can see something's wrong.
Well, I'm afraid you are psychic.
That rush you got earlier
that you would never see me again?
I'm not dying.
But tomorrow, I do go away.
Forever.
What are you talking about?
Ever read about that doctor convicted
of euthanizing his ALS patient?
I get formally sentenced
tomorrow in court.
And begin serving a life term.
Murder?
Well, that's why
he looked so familiar.
I'd seen his face in the news.
He gets sentenced today.
And he spent his last day
of freedom with you?
- I mean, doesn't he have family?
- He does.
He said he wanted to spend his
last day anonymously, not as a victim.
Are you okay?
Me? Sure.
Hey, it's not as if I loved the guy.
I only knew him a day.
Sometimes you can love
somebody in a day.
Well, I guess you could
still visit him.
Nah.
No. He...
He doesn't want that.
I'm fine. It's just...
Funny, huh?
Hysterical.
Elaine.
Everyone's in the conference room.
- What about you?
- I'll be in soon.
- Mark.
- Richard.
- John.
- Richard.
- Oh, here. Here he is.
- John.
I didn't know.
Chastity is a virtue I prioritize
far less than honesty, Kimmie.
I just needed her to be in the room.
I'm sorry.
It's hard to make a relationship work
under any circumstances these days.
But, I find it impossible
to make one work under these.
If I could just have one more chance.
It's not about chances.
You're not ready.
You need to get some more
work done before...
So that's it, then?
You're just dismissing me?
Without prejudice.
Come on, Mommy.
Something wasn't right.
I couldn't figure out what.
You leave on good terms
and stay friends with her.
Then suddenly a week ago
you become angry, you sue.
- What happened, Daniel?
- I object to the informality.
Please address my client as Peanut.
Mr. Robin.
- You found out she was seeing him.
- What are you talking about?
I detect an undercurrent
of emotion in this case.
It's not about the nickname.
Do you love Elaine?
No.
- Do you like her?
- I'm not comfortable with that.
Daniel.
Please, talk to me.
Do you have any idea what
it feels like to be singled out...
...as the one male
you don't want to be with?
And you walk around,
throwing yourself at...
With me, it's just...
- It's just insulting, that's all.
- I offered to have sex all the time.
Yeah, as a joke.
Wasn't it a fun joke?
And then dress me up
in the face bra? How fun!
You treated me like I was a pet.
Daniel.
It seems that I'm perceived
as this promiscuous woman who...
It's more about...
I do things for attention.
I do things to get noticed.
Are you suing to be noticed?
It just seems like everybody's
your type, Elaine. But me.
And it hurts.
LAWYER: And I'll remind the court
just one last time:
This was a mission of mercy.
Dr. Barrett acted to spare
a patient intense suffering.
The only reason we're all here...
...is because he didn't play games
with some Kevorkian machine...
...that would have allowed us all
to wink and circumvent the law.
Thank you.
JUDGE:
I understand that, counsel.
But by not allowing us to wink,
he has left me with no choice.
Dr. Barrett, would you stand, please?
As the judge who sat on your trial...
...I must say I have
a deep admiration for you.
And compassion...
...though I doubt it would
rise up to the level of yours.
But pursuant to the statute,
I must nevertheless sentence you...
...to a life term.
I do so now,
to be served at Cedar Junction.
God bless you.
Bailiff, take him into custody.
Don't cry, Mom. It's okay.
It's all right, Dad.
The Peanut loves Elaine?
It seems so. We settled it, anyway.
Richard's happy.
And how did you figure this out?
- I just did.
- Wow.
You seem to be really intuitive about
what's going on with other people.
Look, Ally.
I know you're probably wondering...
...why things maybe haven't
accelerated as fast as maybe...
You know, last week, I opened up
to you more than I ever...
That was exhilarating.
And a little scary. And it's...
Scared you.
Well, I'm not afraid of this.
I'm really, really excited.
If you only knew how...
I'm doing a lousy job
of explaining it.
No, you're not.
You...
...want to take it really slow
because you want it to be right.
Well, slow doesn't bother me, Larry.
You and me, we're gonna get there,
and we should just enjoy the ride.
- How about tonight we...?
- How about I cook you dinner?
That'd be great.
One date with a gay man and you're
already going down under desks?
Cindy.
Ow.
Hi. How's it going?
Fine, Richard.
- So how'd you know about my...?
- Slow dance?
I orchestrated it.
That's why I'm here. I've come
to apologize. It was cruel of me.
You orchestrated it?
I knew your firm was involved in
the auction, and I figured you'd be...
So I sent some guys to bid on you.
- And paid $6500?
- That's how much your homophobia hurt.
Anyway, it was cruel of me...
...and today I feel foolish.
- Paul wasn't really gay? He was...
- No, he's gay.
Oh, well, no biggie. He seemed nice.
Good dancer.
Look, again, I'm sorry.
It was childish.
But at least it was
for a good cause, anyway.
Cindy.
Mark.
How's...? You know.
- How's it hanging?
- Going. How's it going?
Fine.
- You?
- Oh, fine. Fine.
That's great.
What brings you here?
I just had some business with Richard.
- You seeing anybody?
- No.
- You?
- Well, a little.
Great.
Merry Christmas.
You too.
Listen, about what I said...
It's okay. I'm over it.
You want to grab some dinner tonight?
- I try not to date men on the rebound.
- What are you talking about?
I think you know what
I'm talking about.
Tell her to push over
And move them big feet
Well, this morning I'd fight
And tell her I give up
Tell her she wins
She should just shut up
Is he singing about me and Mommy?
Of course not.
It sounds very on point.
You can tell her there's lots...
Don't be ridiculous.
She'll be walking down this block
She can take the subway back
He's really good.
Isn't he?
Gross.
But I didn 't count
On this packaged deal
He's singing about us!
He is!
Don't be ab-ab-s...
- silly.
She keeps talking
She'll be walking down this block
VONDA SINGS:
I've been down this road
Love On Holiday
Walking the line
That's painted by pride
And I have made mistakes in my life
That I just can 't hide
Oh, I believe I am ready
For what love has to bring
I got myself together
Yeah, now I'm ready to sing
I've been searching my soul tonight
I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine a light
To find my way back home
Oh, baby, yeah
Oh, yeah
It's not natural that
you haven't slept with him.
- Why?
- You've been together a month.
Not every couple jumps
right into bed, Ling.
Oh, that's right, Elaine. You wait
and count to three first. I forgot.
NELLE: A relationship doesn't
have to be about sex...
...but I'd ask myself,
"If he doesn't want it?"
- He wants it.
- Just not from you.
Look. When you meet the right man...
...which none of you have,
with the exception of Ling.
Richard Fish is your perfect
soul mate.
You do not rush it.
You hold longing stares.
You have an extended courtship.
That first touch of the hand?
You relish it.
The first kiss? You savor it.
You become, um, patient
when you know that it's right.
You don't race.
Now, I love where I am
with Larry at this moment.
I am not gonna let these times
get preempted by a horny moment.
It's...
No...
First up. We have that
charity auction tomorrow at lunch.
It's one date for a good cause.
This year, I think it's cripples.
I got names in a hat... Cup.
First man and woman drawn will do it.
I don't want any complaints.
Me. Damn it. Do-overs.
- No, no, no, no.
- All right. All right. Nelle.
Oh, yuck.
Bid on me, Ling.
I don't want to be stuck with a beast.
Forgive me one second. Ally...
...was your little squeezebox making
fun of my Kimmie situation last night?
My "little squeezebox"?
I heard him sing "Package Deal."
"Tell the mother to stop yapping"?
He looked at us too. Now, I don't
appreciate that kind of garbage.
Um...
John, Bruce Springsteen
wrote that song.
- I don't think he had you in mind.
- Oh, yeah.
Get flippant. That'll mitigate
the offense just fine.
- He marked on John's turf.
- We needn't hear from you, Goldilocks.
Excuse me.
We've been sued by the Peanut.
- Excuse me?
- Sexual harassment.
Who's the Peanut?
This librarian clerk, left a year ago.
Sexual harassment?
Anybody here harass him?
- Right.
- Well...
Elaine? In my office, please.
Ling, Mark, you two will handle this.
I'm tired of getting sued for this.
- What was that?
- What?
Oh. It's nothing.
I think you know that Larry
wasn't ridiculing you.
Oh, maybe I feel
deserving of ridicule.
I'm a grown man dating a woman
who takes her mother on dates.
I mean, what the hell is that?
Didn't she go on
the first few dates alone?
But as the relationship deepens, she's
more prone to emotional intimacy.
For that, she needs Mommie Dearest.
Look, Ally, I'm an odd man myself...
John.
Obviously, you care about her.
So much so, that you even pretended
to be a rock 'n' roll singer.
Why don't you talk to her and
tell her the mother is unacceptable?
She's fine for holidays,
but not dates.
It says you repeatedly
offered him sex.
It was a joke. He knew I was joking.
We're friends. It makes no sense.
It also says that you
made him eat your underwear?
I never made him.
I just showed my inventions to him.
I invented edible cherry underwear
and offered it once as a light snack.
- Ling, you're fired.
- What?
This case is legitimate.
I need a real lawyer, outside counsel.
Mark, hire Larry Paul. Do it now.
I'm very disappointed.
Hey, bitch. What's up?
You seem happy.
I'm fired from the Peanut case.
Let's go shopping.
Might as well. I need something
for the stupid auction.
It's for a good cause. Maybe somebody
rich and handsome will bid on you.
- Can you imagine how much I'd get?
- No, Ling. How much?
Tell you what.
Since it's such a great cause
why don't you volunteer?
I'll bet whatever's bid on you
that it won't be higher than my bid.
Nelle.
Come on, Ling,
Ms. "Every Man Wants Me."
You couldn't possibly
be afraid of losing.
It's just...
...how do I know you won't recruit
someone to bid more than you're worth?
Here's a flash: Men go nuts for me.
I'll admit you have this whole
dark-haired exotic thing going...
...but when it comes
to a man's true fantasy? I am it.
I'm tall, gorgeous.
I look like I have brains.
Which I, in fact, do have.
You?
You're short.
And you bite.
Ladies.
- Larry, I was just coming to see you.
- I was on my way to see you.
You were?
It's a good sign when a couple
can meet halfway.
Are we a good couple?
I see potential.
- What are you thinking?
- I don't believe in that.
Believe in what?
Telling each other
what we're thinking.
- Over-talking. It can make you lazy.
- I'm sorry?
Well, part of communication is silent
body language. Mood, you know?
Greeting each other.
Figuring it out instead of just...
...flipping to the back for answers.
I'm having trouble reading you then.
All right.
I'll tell you this one thing.
What?
Standing here, right now...
...I'm totally freezing.
- Let's go.
- Where?
Back to your office.
Richard Fish hired me.
He did? Why?
Something about peanuts.
PEANUT:
Even that nickname...
...I find insulting. Peanut.
- I never...
- Elaine.
- But you've always had that nickname.
- That means I had to endure it here?
- But you're suing her for what she did.
- Okay, look.
You wanted to dispose of this matter.
I'm not comfortable letting him speak.
Either an offer must be presented or
I must let my discomfort prevail here.
Daniel, you and I are friends.
Oh, no, I'm sorry, I can't allow that.
No, I cannot.
I'm not comfortable, off the record.
If you want to depose him,
I suggest we adjourn...
...come back with a stenographer.
Tomorrow.
Why don't we do that, then?
- Something's going on.
- What?
They're friends a week ago. Now he's
suddenly suing. He seems too angry...
Sorry.
I didn't appreciate that
"Package Deal" number last night.
If you sing it again, I'll damn well
have something to say about it.
John? I came as soon as I could.
What's wrong?
Is there a problem?
Well, yes.
A little one.
And I'd like to discuss it alone.
As in the two of us.
If it's a problem,
Mommy can help facilitate.
The problem is Mommy.
Notwithstanding all of the benefits
with respect to facilitating intimacy.
I really don't need or want an
emotional chaperon. I'm a big boy.
You're a big girl.
And I think we can navigate
this terrain without Mommy.
Can she think about this?
Fine.
You're in the auction?
My heart beats philanthropy.
What's going on?
That bitch Nelle thinks she can
raise more money than me.
- You think she can?
- That's a tough one.
In my experience blonds
are more expensive...
...but they don't have your warmth.
She had me try it on. A bra.
- It was for the face, was it not?
- Yes. But...
Was there anything sexual
about the bra or its purpose?
No, but...
It was about isolating facial muscles
to prevent wrinkles.
It's still a bra.
You've remained friendly
with Ms. Vassal, have you not?
Yes.
You've even had dinner together.
- Have you not?
- Yes.
- What changed?
- Since last year?
- You left on good terms.
MARK: You had dinner.
- And now?
- When you have...
LARRY: Obvious animosity.
- Towards her.
I'm not comfortable with you
teaming up to form a single question.
- My mistake.
- I apologize.
We both do.
You're trying to rattle me.
I'm thrown when two people talk.
It's this inner ear thing,
which she told you. Nice.
- Daniel.
- Objection.
What happened? One minute you're
friends. The next, you're suing her.
I was traumatized
by one of her little inventions.
LARRY: Which one?
- The Vi-Bra.
I can't even look at another woman's
breasts without experiencing vertigo.
The Vi-Bra?
What is the Vi-Bra?
It's a device deliberately
designed to titillate.
It was the last straw.
I left when she showed that one.
I thought maybe I could just
get by it, but I can't. I just can't.
- This is not why he quit.
- How does it vibrate?
Well, I hold a wireless remote and I
control it.
- All right. Show us.
- Okay. It has multiple features.
I can make them go up and down,
together or in opposite directions.
Side to side, same thing,
together or opposite.
Rolling, where they
go round and round.
I got that idea
from those massage chairs.
Soft vibrate, where they
just kind of shimmy.
That feels kind of cool for me.
Nipple projection.
In and out, varying degrees.
And then, augmented.
Sometimes you're in company
where you want to be bigger.
Sometimes not.
You invented that?
There are a few wrinkles still.
Cell phones.
Okay, the bid is $2500.
Who'll make it 25?
I will.
AUCTIONEER: $3000 in the back. We're
looking for $3250. $3250 over here!
How about $3500? Come on, $3500.
Look at how lovely she is.
Don't want to pass this opportunity.
$3500!
That girl is way overpriced.
- She does look pretty good.
AUCTIONEER: $4500! Thank you.
- Can we go?
- We're here to bid on Richard.
- He's afraid that he won't get bid on.
- How high can we go?
Up to a thousand.
AUCTIONEER: Now we'll look for an even
$4000. The gentleman right there.
Looking for $4500. You, sir.
How about $5500? Down over here.
Now we want a nice even six.
$6000 back to you again, sir.
Thank you.
We have a bid of $6000.
That bid of $6000 is going once.
Going twice.
Sold for $6000 to
the lucky gentlemen in blue.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
John?
Lynnie. Hello.
- May I sit?
- Certainly.
Obviously, Kimmie has some
rather severe social issues.
She's very intelligent but,
what can I say...
...she needs to have
her mother there to...
She's in therapy. And one day,
she'll hopefully feel the autonomy...
...to allow her to have
a relationship without the...
I guess I'm here right now...
...because I sense something
different in you, John.
You seem to see the beauty of my
daughter beneath her eccentricities.
I'm here to beg your continued
tolerance, if not indulgence.
I realize that even the best of people
come with their little quirks.
But I don't see how anyone
could carry on a relationship...
...under these circumstances.
Well, I guess you couldn't.
Until you try.
Couldn't we get together tonight
and try and talk it out?
She can come to talk it out.
Either she will choose
to trust me, or not.
Okay. I'll tell her.
Next, another lawyer.
Senior partner in his own firm.
Please welcome Richard Fish.
- Richard!
- Whoo!
We'll start the bidding
on Mr. Fish at just $500.
There's $500 in the back. Now, $ 750.
$ 750 down in the front here.
Now an even thousand.
We got a thousand in the back.
Looking for $ 1 250.
We got $ 1 250. Now $ 1500.
We got $ 1500. Now $2000.
We got $2000 over here.
- Looking... $3000 over here!
- I think he wants you to bid.
- I'm only authorized to a thousand.
AUCTIONEER: We're looking for five.
- He's trying to authorize more.
AUCTIONEER: Looking for 55. Got it!
Who's gonna make it 65?
We got 65 right here!
Anybody want to make further bids?
$6500 going once.
$6500 going twice.
Sold for $6500 to the gentleman.
Thank you, sir.
Yeah!
Next up, please welcome Ling Woo.
Or should I say, "Wow!"
We are going to open
the bidding at $5000.
I've got $5000 over here!
$6000! $ 7000!
$8000, $9000, $ 10,000.
We're looking for 1 2, 13, 14.
We've got $ 15,000.
Sixteen, 17, 18, 19.
Looking for 20.
Who'll make it 20? $20,000!
$21,000, looking for 22.
You can sit anywhere you like.
Is there a required time limit thing?
- For what?
- Our date.
Is this it? A trip to your office?
I'm busy. I can talk for
five minutes to make it official.
Are you serious?
You really expect me to date a man
who bids on women at auctions?
If I'm willing to date a woman
who allows herself to be bought...
That was for charity.
- Yes. And you seem like a real giver.
- Hey! What do you know? Time's up.
Guess it flies when you're having fun.
Let's see if you can fly, Superman.
I'll open a window.
Funny. It's a testament to your
unlikability that I didn't laugh.
- Do you not know where the door is?
- You said you'd open the window.
Here.
I'll give you a nice hug
and a peck on the lips.
You'll get your $6000 worth.
It was fun. Don't call me.
Look...
...I'm sorry.
I had no idea.
I'm really sorry.
Good.
Sorry about what?
I have a few therapist friends that...
I really didn't realize.
- Realize what?
- You have an intimacy disorder.
I thought it was just hostility.
But the rigidity of your body.
I do not have an intimacy disorder.
It's okay, Nelle.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
- I'm not ashamed of anything!
- You shouldn't be. You're beautiful.
- I can be plenty intimate, buster.
- Okay.
Well, it was nice meeting you.
- If you ever want to talk about it...
- I don't need...
How's that?
Wow.
That was amazing, actually.
But, intimacy isn't about giving.
It's receiving.
Well, kiss me, then.
- Go ahead.
- I'm not going to.
- Put your mouth to your diagnosis.
- Look.
Kiss me.
Well, okay.
Um...
Wow.
So.
Date's over?
We've been here three hours.
Is that bad?
I only bought one date.
I hate to think that this has been it.
It's almost over.
- Are you dying?
- What?
I don't know what made me say that.
I just got this rush that
I would never see you again.
Well, I certainly hope
you're not psychic.
This is very unusual for me.
What is?
To blow off work.
To have feelings.
I mean...
...primal feelings.
I'm not sure I like having them.
If you were never to see me again...
...how would you want
to spend the evening?
Why do you say that?
Oh, I don't know.
I've always said you should live life
like there's no tomorrow.
And I suppose I never have.
If there were no tomorrow...
- You did what?
- And I wanted to do more.
- Ling, can you believe it?
- No.
It's not like me to ever feel...
...hot. I mean, I might even enjoy...
...you know.
- Sex?
I don't understand it.
I don't even know him.
He's a rich doctor.
What else is there to know?
Ling? You gotta help me.
- What?
- Paul, the man who bought me?
He chooses where we go on our date.
He chose the bar.
That's nice.
We'll be there to rescue you.
- But I'll be seen with a man!
- I'm going to the bar with my date.
- If not to a hotel room.
- Hello? I need some help.
Paul says he has
a special feeling about me.
- Are you falling in love?
- Forget it.
Should I wear a different dress?
- What if she's not at our exact table?
- No! She can't be there at all.
John, my problem borders
on a disorder.
Have you never been with a man?
Of course not. I'm chaste.
Is your acute sense of morality...
...a convenient way of dealing
with your intimacy problems?
Perhaps.
Well, it's time to take the leap.
Will you catch me?
I'll try.
Elaine? Larry and I both think
we should make an offer.
Peanut's agreed to come in tomorrow.
We can settle it within the policy.
Oh. Okay.
- Mark, is everything okay?
- Fine.
- Will I see you later?
- Oh. Sure.
- What's going on?
- Excuse me?
- Why are you so cold?
- I'm not.
If you have a problem, say it.
Don't make me be the one with
the stones. We know you hate that.
Okay. My problem.
That's my problem, along with
the cherry-flavored underwear.
Why?
I enjoy promiscuity less when
it's coming from the girl I'm dating.
This is me.
You either choose to date me or not.
But this is who I am.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
Cell phone!
- You two are dating?
- We were.
- Since when?
- Since last week.
But all good things must end, I guess.
Hi, stranger.
Ah, oh, ah...
Ally, right?
Funny.
I've been, um...
...missing you.
- On purpose.
Funny, again.
Sorry to interrupt.
Hello, Mr. Larry.
I'm going on a date without my mother,
which has left me fraught.
Could you go with me tonight
to the bar as kind of a surrogate?
A surrogate mother?
Of course you can invite Mr. Larry.
The truth is, you give me balance.
Um...
Kimmie...
You wouldn't have to do anything.
Your presence would bolster...
- We'll be there.
- Oh, thank you.
When I'm here, I feel as if I walked
in halfway through the movie.
I'll get you up to speed.
You're just too good to be true
Can 't take my eyes off of you
- I can't believe I've known you only...
- Ten hours and 13 minutes.
- You counted the minutes?
- I sort of have to.
Why?
I have a long story.
A dance is part of the date, Richard.
- A fast dance, maybe. But...
- No, no, no. See, I paid $6500.
You seem really swell,
but I'm homophobic.
I have a note from the doctor.
Tell him.
Oh, this is a fast one.
Night and day and night
Day and night
You're just too good to be true
Thank you for being
so understanding, John.
Is it difficult being without her?
Well, I'm coping.
Well, I'm glad. Because the other...
Mommy's over there, Kimmie.
Did you know?
You doing okay?
Fine.
- Just thinking?
- Yeah.
I'm still not allowed
to ask you what about?
I may not be psychic, Greg,
but I can see something's wrong.
Well, I'm afraid you are psychic.
That rush you got earlier
that you would never see me again?
I'm not dying.
But tomorrow, I do go away.
Forever.
What are you talking about?
Ever read about that doctor convicted
of euthanizing his ALS patient?
I get formally sentenced
tomorrow in court.
And begin serving a life term.
Murder?
Well, that's why
he looked so familiar.
I'd seen his face in the news.
He gets sentenced today.
And he spent his last day
of freedom with you?
- I mean, doesn't he have family?
- He does.
He said he wanted to spend his
last day anonymously, not as a victim.
Are you okay?
Me? Sure.
Hey, it's not as if I loved the guy.
I only knew him a day.
Sometimes you can love
somebody in a day.
Well, I guess you could
still visit him.
Nah.
No. He...
He doesn't want that.
I'm fine. It's just...
Funny, huh?
Hysterical.
Elaine.
Everyone's in the conference room.
- What about you?
- I'll be in soon.
- Mark.
- Richard.
- John.
- Richard.
- Oh, here. Here he is.
- John.
I didn't know.
Chastity is a virtue I prioritize
far less than honesty, Kimmie.
I just needed her to be in the room.
I'm sorry.
It's hard to make a relationship work
under any circumstances these days.
But, I find it impossible
to make one work under these.
If I could just have one more chance.
It's not about chances.
You're not ready.
You need to get some more
work done before...
So that's it, then?
You're just dismissing me?
Without prejudice.
Come on, Mommy.
Something wasn't right.
I couldn't figure out what.
You leave on good terms
and stay friends with her.
Then suddenly a week ago
you become angry, you sue.
- What happened, Daniel?
- I object to the informality.
Please address my client as Peanut.
Mr. Robin.
- You found out she was seeing him.
- What are you talking about?
I detect an undercurrent
of emotion in this case.
It's not about the nickname.
Do you love Elaine?
No.
- Do you like her?
- I'm not comfortable with that.
Daniel.
Please, talk to me.
Do you have any idea what
it feels like to be singled out...
...as the one male
you don't want to be with?
And you walk around,
throwing yourself at...
With me, it's just...
- It's just insulting, that's all.
- I offered to have sex all the time.
Yeah, as a joke.
Wasn't it a fun joke?
And then dress me up
in the face bra? How fun!
You treated me like I was a pet.
Daniel.
It seems that I'm perceived
as this promiscuous woman who...
It's more about...
I do things for attention.
I do things to get noticed.
Are you suing to be noticed?
It just seems like everybody's
your type, Elaine. But me.
And it hurts.
LAWYER: And I'll remind the court
just one last time:
This was a mission of mercy.
Dr. Barrett acted to spare
a patient intense suffering.
The only reason we're all here...
...is because he didn't play games
with some Kevorkian machine...
...that would have allowed us all
to wink and circumvent the law.
Thank you.
JUDGE:
I understand that, counsel.
But by not allowing us to wink,
he has left me with no choice.
Dr. Barrett, would you stand, please?
As the judge who sat on your trial...
...I must say I have
a deep admiration for you.
And compassion...
...though I doubt it would
rise up to the level of yours.
But pursuant to the statute,
I must nevertheless sentence you...
...to a life term.
I do so now,
to be served at Cedar Junction.
God bless you.
Bailiff, take him into custody.
Don't cry, Mom. It's okay.
It's all right, Dad.
The Peanut loves Elaine?
It seems so. We settled it, anyway.
Richard's happy.
And how did you figure this out?
- I just did.
- Wow.
You seem to be really intuitive about
what's going on with other people.
Look, Ally.
I know you're probably wondering...
...why things maybe haven't
accelerated as fast as maybe...
You know, last week, I opened up
to you more than I ever...
That was exhilarating.
And a little scary. And it's...
Scared you.
Well, I'm not afraid of this.
I'm really, really excited.
If you only knew how...
I'm doing a lousy job
of explaining it.
No, you're not.
You...
...want to take it really slow
because you want it to be right.
Well, slow doesn't bother me, Larry.
You and me, we're gonna get there,
and we should just enjoy the ride.
- How about tonight we...?
- How about I cook you dinner?
That'd be great.
One date with a gay man and you're
already going down under desks?
Cindy.
Ow.
Hi. How's it going?
Fine, Richard.
- So how'd you know about my...?
- Slow dance?
I orchestrated it.
That's why I'm here. I've come
to apologize. It was cruel of me.
You orchestrated it?
I knew your firm was involved in
the auction, and I figured you'd be...
So I sent some guys to bid on you.
- And paid $6500?
- That's how much your homophobia hurt.
Anyway, it was cruel of me...
...and today I feel foolish.
- Paul wasn't really gay? He was...
- No, he's gay.
Oh, well, no biggie. He seemed nice.
Good dancer.
Look, again, I'm sorry.
It was childish.
But at least it was
for a good cause, anyway.
Cindy.
Mark.
How's...? You know.
- How's it hanging?
- Going. How's it going?
Fine.
- You?
- Oh, fine. Fine.
That's great.
What brings you here?
I just had some business with Richard.
- You seeing anybody?
- No.
- You?
- Well, a little.
Great.
Merry Christmas.
You too.
Listen, about what I said...
It's okay. I'm over it.
You want to grab some dinner tonight?
- I try not to date men on the rebound.
- What are you talking about?
I think you know what
I'm talking about.