Ally McBeal (1997–2002): Season 2, Episode 8 - Just Looking - full transcript

He's very particular
about his toilet seat.

It's the scene of a painful memory.

The bathroom is a place
to wipe the past away.

What?

I don't know.

- I just get this--
- Bad feeling?

- You too?
- Like something's gonna happen.

- What is it?
- I don't know. It's creepy.

Nelle. I need Nelle.

She's back.

Just Looking



- Stay calm.
- I'm overwrought.

- Overwrought and calm is a bad mix.
- What's up?

She's overwrought.

Someone wants to shut down
her mud-wrestling club.

Let's back up a step.
Mud-wrestling club?

She owns one.

Where women,
in the mud, they--

Wrestle.
MOPE wants to shut it down.

Why is everyone out to get me?

MOPE? What's MOPE?

Mothers Opposed to
Pornographic Entertainment.

- They say it hurts the community.
- Ling owns a porno club?

It's not porno. There's no nudity.
It's just women in bathing suits.

- Wrestling.
- Oh! It's sport.



- How can she own that place?
- And hide it?

She bought it as a tax write-off,
but it made a profit.

They want to shut her down. They'll
use the "women degradation" clich?.

I want to counter
with women of our own.

- Georgia, Ally, Nelle--
- No.

Not a chance.

I hate to pull rank, but
female litigants are a plus here.

We owe Ling our best efforts.

Plus, I'm trying to have sex with her.

Think about someone
other than yourselves.

Think about who signs your check.

Consider somebody besides yourself.
It involves using a new muscle.

A job is meaningless unless
it leads to growth.

Off we go.

Hold on.
The judge will want a hearing.

Somebody should check the place out.

- The Mud Club?
- I don't like surprises.

- Billy?
- No! He's not...free.

I'm not?

- He doesn't need to wrestle.
- No! He's married.

I thought these places
were for married men.

I think you turned her.

- I'll go.
- I could go.

I'm actually a good spy.
I considered joining the ClA.

I can glide through a room unnoticed.

A spy?

Why don't you both go?
John and Richard, undercover.

You took a moment.

- It's all controlled by the remote.
- I don't know.

I invented
an automatic seat warmer.

You know how awful it is
to sit on a cold toilet.

You can set it for different
temperatures, up to simmer.

I like a warm seat.
And there's the auto-flusher.

And check out this.

This feature is for married couples.

Because he always leaves the seat up.
Would you like to test-drive?

- lf they " Ling " me, object.
- Fine.

Hey, Georgia.

- Ray! How's it going?
- Same. How about you?

- Same. How's Jeannie?
- Jeannie? Oh, yeah.

Jeannie became Cynthia.
Cynthia and I are over.

Excuse me, we're in litigation.
I don't want her congenial.

You're tugging me.

Dumbest case.
You wouldn't believe it.

Mine's worse.
Ever heard of MOPE?

No zoning laws
preclude this activity.

- We're here on nuisance.
- That takes into account zoning laws--

- lf you raise--
- You have to show cause.

Then give me the chance
to finish a sentence.

Go ahead.

The activity
stigmatizes the neighborhood.

- It's equal to a strip joint.
- What?!

It isn't. That slandered me.
I charge defamation, naming him--

Ling.

This place demeans women.
It should be stopped.

I'd like to hear from the plaintiff.

Miss Stokes lives in the neighborhood.

It's a filthy sex club.
And that filthy mud--

We'll do this formally,
after lunch.

Two o'clock, sharp.

- You "Ling-ed" me in there.
- With a hard "L," I heard it.

- We'll get the next one.
- I hate this firm.

All right, give it up.
Ray, he's cute!

Classmate.
I had a big crush, before Billy.

Did you go out?

Once.
Couldn't have had less in common.

He is a great guy.
I could fix you up!

- He's opposing counsel.
- That's good!

Adversarial can be good.
Conflict breeds passion.

If he wasn't your type,
how can he be mine?

There was just the one!

- So, do you want to meet him or not?
- No.

Yes. A little one.
A little meet, itty-bitty.

We'll make separate entrances.
Coupling can be recognizable.

John, it's just a bar.

We're doing it for Nelle.

Lawyers frequent these
establishments. We could be spotted.

- Reconnaissance can't be trivialized.
- Fine.

It's residential,
as well as commercial.

It's mud-wrestling.
Are you taking it too seriously?

We talk about raising our children
and say, "lt takes a village. "

A village shouldn't embrace
the idea of women as objects.

But it's after-hours
in a club.

Where men salivate over women
slithering around in the mud.

Should all mud-wrestling clubs go?

They shouldn't be
in residential areas.

Strip clubs too?

- Theaters that show sex scenes?
- Some, if it has something redeeming.

Who decides what's redeeming?

There's a difference between
sex scenes and what they do.

Sex scenes, you' re okay with?

Pornography is--

Not porno.
An R-rated film with nudity.

You can't trap me with your tricky,
sleazy questions.

A movie is a movie.

It's not a place where
muddy breasts get slopped around.

- Permission to make a speech?
- I'd be delighted.

Mud-wrestling creates
a negative image of women.

Having a place like that
demeans that community.

And women who perform sex scenes
in movies aren't degraded?

- No.
- Why is that?

Because they' re paid tons of money.

You' re up next, Ling. It could turn
on your testimony so that means....

- We' re dead.
- I want her off the case.

- Georgia.
- Ally, have you met Ray Brown?

Hi, Ally McBeat.
Meat. Meal.

McBeal.

T akes a while,
but I usually get it.

Georgia said you'd
maybe like to get a drink.

Well....

Just so long as we
don't talk about the case.

- But I get thirsty.
- What's going on here?

- Ling!
- They're being nice. Don't tug me.

- It's a bit strange, but I'd like to--
- Great. Me too.

- So I guess I'll see you in court.
- Yeah.

Yeah, I guess so.

You came just
to change your underwear?

He won't get near my underwear.
Take your mind out of there.

What's wrong with your underwear?

- lt wasn't lucky.
- Excuse me?

I have lucky underwear, okay?
It may sound stupid...

...but I have two charms:
an old shoe and....

And I'm not going on a date
with an old shoe.

Well....

- ls this guy really that cute?
- Not really. Kind of white-bread.

As opposed to Billy?

- He reminds me of Jack Webb.
- Who?

The guy on Dragnet.
I had a crush on him and Mr. Ed.

Jack Webb talked really fast
with his voice down low.

That's how Ray talks.

"This place should be shut down.
Offense to women. "

Goose bumps.

Don't ask me why.

- You need to go tonight.
- Can't Ling tell you what goes on?

Ling lies.

- I'm ready, dressed in grays.
- What do you need?

Confirm that there's
no nudity or touching.

- No touching?
- Sexual touching.

Gray is a blend color.
T o blend in.

I didn't even know you were here.
Ready?

- I am. But remember....
- Separate entrances. We're spies.

- He paid me no heed.
- It's the gray. You just blend.

Thank you for doing this, John.

Be careful.

Bring him to the bar.
If it doesn't click, we can dilute it.

I'm not crazy
about everybody watching.

Groups mean less pressure.

In college, I had a date with
the varsity quarterback.

T o ease the pressure,
I dated the team.

- What?
- Help, l' m stuck. The seat went up.

- Open the door.
- I can't. I'm stuck.

- What do you mean?
- I'm stuck.

John.

- Can you open the latch?
- I don't know.

- Flip over the top.
- I can't dismount in.

She's in the bowl.
Where's my camera?

- Can you move?
- What's going on?

Ally's fallen and she can't get up.

- My hip is wedged.
- Who left the seat up?

Excuse me.
Could I have your attention, please?

The unisex is out of order.
Ally's wedged inside a toilet bowl.

We appreciate your sensitivity
during this crisis.

Please go about your work.

- It's 9:00.
- She'll be right out.

You know how girls get.
She just has to touch up her makeup.

We'll have to break it.

The oil isn't working,
and there's swelling.

- lt could get worse.
- Don't smash it.

- It's the only way.
- You can't--

Please hurry.

- We'll break the side.
- No!

- We're late.
- He's gonna smash my bowl.

It's my hip flexors that are stuck.
I have big flexors.

- How we doing?
- ls he waiting?

- How long?
- Did you tell?

No, we didn't tell. Relax.

What is it about her
you think I'll like?

Sense of humor.
I remember you liking that.

- Remember what it was I didn't like?
- I think long hair.

And Billy.

I met him after we went out.
You didn't like that.

I definitely,
definitely didn't like that.

I wonder, if we had two
dates before you met him....

You ever wonder?

Never.

You've been made.

You've got some mud....

Ladies and gentlemen,
hot babes in mud!

It's time for
audience participation.

- What's he doing?
- Auctioning a girl for a wrestle.

Thirty. How about 40?

- What're you doing?
- lnvestigating.

- By wrestling?
- I'm thorough.

- Gone to the man next to Mudface.
- Excellent.

Everybody, say hello
to our next wrestler, Jennifer.

- Do lots of people get stuck?
- Elaine!

Ma'am?
Everybody, stand back.

- I want to see.
- Ma'am, get back.

Be gentle.

You're free, ma'am.

Thank you, thank you.

If you'll excuse me...

...I'm late for a date.

That's our blanket.

What's worse, mud-wrestling
or being stuck in a toilet?

- I haven't tried wrestling yet.
- Why did you take the case?

The " Ling" principle.
Our senior partner--

- Don't give away our secrets.
- We shouldn't even discuss the case.

You're right. Let's dance.

I'd love to,
but I have a sprained butt.

I'll go.

All right.

- Why are they being friendly?
- Who cares?

Are you ready with your testimony?

" Be likable, sympathetic, sincere. "
Stop bugging me.

Ray. Think you like him?

I hear he's a great guy.
Maybe we'll get a chance to talk.

- What's the deal?
- They're still interested.

Still attracted.
Doesn't mean anything.

They shouldn't be attracted.
She's married!

- Wait a minute. You were there.
- Only as a beard, maybe.

I saw two twinkles in their eyes.
One in his, one in hers.

What are you saying, Ally?

That old couples
can't even have dinner together?

- No! Look at you and Matt.
- That was wrong because we--

- Yeah.
- But Georgia and Ray....

- Maybe they still.
- Maybe not.

Two adults who are too responsible
to act on the attraction...

- ...can they have lunch together?
- No! It's wrong!

Can they work
at the same law firm?

- You tricked me. It's different.
- lt isn't.

That's what bothers you.

Maybe you realize
that all last year...

...you were having
some kind of affair with Billy.

They smashed it.

No funerals.
We'll get a new one, a fresh bowl.

- Well?
- No nudity, no sexual touching.

The women are strong.

- So basically--
- Breasts, butts. T ongues hanging out.

- No surprises.
- Boys being boys. Girls being girls.

Ah, that's good.

It doesn't degrade women.
Every woman wants to be desirable.

They can say,
"Even in mud, I look good. "

- But this activity objectifies them.
- So?

Ling, how can it not be
a little degrading?

- Could I respond?
- I wish you would.

The women make nearly
$1 00,000 a year. How?

Drunks hurl money.
It gives you a lower opinion of men.

These girls make that money
with their bodies.

They tease men with
something they'll never get.

- That's the very essence of a woman.
- What?

Sex is a weapon. We all use it.

We tease, tantalize.
We do it every day.

God gave us that advantage
by giving men the dumb stick.

- Dumb stick?
- Penis. They all have it.

You see nothing wrong with
girls in a ring, titillating men?

- No.
- Nothing at all?

We put boxers in a ring and
cheer for one to knock the other out.

- You're comparing it to boxing?
- Boxing is worse.

T alk about reducing people.
Two men beating each other.

- Have you met these women?
- Why should l?

Ever checked their backgrounds
to see why they' re in that ring?

That would suggest I care.

Maybe they feel
like they have little choice.

Perhaps for some,
it's the only choice.

And they have you
to take that choice away.

With feminists like you,
who needs chauvinism?

- T ry not to give speeches.
- You let the old woman.

And the message it sends to girls?
What if your niece said:

"l want to be a mud wrestler"?

As opposed to a nephew who wants
to get fat so he can play football?

Or a niece who skates and wears
tight leotards to win a gold medal?

Or one who wants to be an actress...

...and pretend to fornicate on-screen?

As opposed to a nephew who--?

Ms. Woo.

I' m sorry,
but hypocrisy makes me wrought.

You deny that women
are exploited in your club?

We' re exploited by high heels.

By the idea that we
have to put on makeup...

- ...to go to work.
- Ms. Woo.

I'm responding.

Billions are spent convincing
the world that cellulite is evil.

Is that to empower women?
What world do you live in?

- At my club, we exploit men.
- How is that?

They' re pigs.
Mankind is based on pig-dom.

In my club, women control
the dumb stick and take their money.

She's my hero!
She's vicious.

I disagree with everything she
says, but she's my hero.

- When does he rule?
- Nelle has one more witness.

Then the future of mud-wrestling
will be decided.

- So I'll see you at dinner?
- Sorry?

Aren't the four of us
going out again?

I'm not sure yet.

Hey.

- You want to tell me what's going on?
- Excuse me?

You're looking after
your own social life, not mine.

What are you saying?

This is about
you spending more time with Ray.

I let you think
you aren't betraying Billy.

Are you out of your mind?

Are you?

You say you want to meet men.
I try to help. Fine.

Sorry.

You having fun?

I prefer being a plaintiff.
Defendant's nice. I get a martyr glow.

You know, Ling....

- Never mind.
- What?

If you need to share,
I'm here for you.

Did I smudge?

Last Saturday,
I went to get coffee.

I bumped into somebody
from my old firm.

He didn't recognize me
without makeup.

Four years I worked
three offices down.

So?

There are people who've
never seen me without makeup.

Nelle, when I hear you talk this way,
it makes me wonder.

Is there a point?

The point is, progress aside,
we're still things to be looked at.

Objects.

These clubs don't help.

I was shopping.

A man in the store gave me
this sexual growl.

I don't think he was at all
embarrassed to do so.

I liked it.

- I'm not doing the summation.
- Excuse me?

- I'll continue the case, but--
- I want you.

You don't want me,
because I can't sell it.

Sideless.

- Everything okay?
- It's fine.

She just jumped out at you.
I'm a witness.

You could be right.

Remember when you went out
with that boy...

- ...that 1 8-year-old?
- Yeah.

You never intended
for anything to happen...

...but you wanted to go on the date...

...just to remember.

- What did you want to remember?
- I don't know.

Staring into the eyes
of an 1 8-year-old, maybe.

One of the things
about being married...

...you don't get that "date high. "

- That little, you know....
- High.

It doesn't mean anything.
It's just a little--

- Affair.
- lt is not.

It was a version of one.

Two interested people,
smiling, dancing.

As far as he's concerned...

- ...he's there with you.
- He was not.

He's doing exactly what you're doing.
And it's wrong.

Nothing is happening!

- I would never. You know I wouldn't.
- I do.

But I also know that Billy
going to look at mud wrestlers...

...is less of an offense
than what's going on here.

- You were a lawyer?
- I still am. I practice on the side.

- What do you do for a living?
- I'm a dancer.

- I work at the Squat and Gobble.
- You strip?

- I do.
- What's the relevance?

That doesn't relate to this case.

- You're free to disregard him.
- Speed it up.

- Why dance instead of law?
- I make great money and I enjoy it.

I'll be honest. I get a kick out
of the way the women respond.

I'm not going to do it forever.

- lsn't it degrading?
- No.

Would it bother you...

...if I said, I want to go over
every inch of you with my tongue...

...and make love until I'm dry?

Wouldn't you feel like a victim?

I'd get over it.

That was kind of a stunt.

The point is,
did anyone see him as a victim?

- That's not the same.
- I like stunts.

We give our final
statements after recess.

- Richard Fish will do it.
- What?

We have an hour.
I' m gonna go get him.

Ally.

- Hey, Ray.
- Can I steal you a sec?

Sure.

- Listen, I'd love to see you again.
- Really?

I'm going to have
to pass on that.

You're a great guy
and you seem fun.

But under the circumstances,
you being opposing counsel....

I hope you understand.

I don't.
Georgia led me to think....

Georgia's been doing a little
too much leading.

Okay.

What did you say?

Not to feel degraded because
of your fantasies.

- What?
- Kidding.

- What did you really say?
- Just that l' m not going to date him.

- Me? Why me?
- Mud-wrestling is a guy's thing.

- We need a guy to explain it.
- I haven't been in on the case.

I don't get it.
No woman does.

You went there, you wrestled.
You had fun.

The judge is a man.
I need you to speak his language.

Speak from that thing inside you
that makes a man a man.

- The dumb stick?
- Exactly.

- Georgia, I heard Fish is closing?
- Don't ask me.

So far, I'm losing.
Ally said no to a date.

- Yeah, I heard.
- You said she was interested.

I actually think she was.

But then she figured out, so was l.

- What?
- Not "interested," interested.

Like in pursuing something
interesting.

But it was fun being
in your company again and....

Ally figured I was setting
you two up for my own....

- And were you?
- Not on purpose, but....

I mean, I had fun, I must say.

Ally didn't have
anything to do with it.

We should probably get in there.

The problem was, we never kissed.

The wonder compounds through time.
I'm sure if we'd kissed....

We wouldn't wonder.

And you'd just be opposing counsel
in a bad tie.

Yeah.

- Besides, you're happily married.
- Very.

Hey, hi!
We're back in for closings.

We were just going in.

Here comes our secret weapon.

- I hear the bells. I'm ready.
- You better be.

- ls everything okay?
- It's fine.

It's a free country.

Women are free to dance naked.

Men are free to go watch.
Ms. Woo...

...should be free
to run such a business.

But you can't be free
without equality or under oppression.

These strip clubs, mud-wrestling...

...they foster the notion that women
are sex objects.

That stigma contributes
to oppression and violence...

...and gender
inequality as a whole.

No community needs
to put up with that.

I' m tired of this equality thing.

I want to see a woman walk around with
testosterone. See how she likes it.

Your Honor, as my pretty
client told you...

...God punished man
with a taste of Pandora's....

And we were left weaker for it.

Imagine, as I do every day,
the breast.

What is it
about a lump with a nipple...

...that makes a man risk
his marriage, his business?

Two guys are eating pizza,
a 90-year-old walks by...

...with huge breasts,
they go, "Check out those! "

Mr. Fish, what has this got to do
with a mud-wrestling club?

I'll tell you.

Once a man hits puberty,
he knows he'll forever be part idiot.

It's debilitating. It hurts.

You go to a strip club,
you see other guys...

...and you see you're not alone.

It's full of idiots.
We feel better.

- And that's important?
- Yes. It's liberating.

You grow up, hiding with Playboy,
trying not to get the pages sticky.

You wonder if you' re a deviant.

You become isolated, antisocial.

You go to work at the post office.
You just don't belong.

The insecurity becomes neurosis.
You're normal, but you don't know it.

You go to this club,
you see normal.

These places aren't just sex shops.
They preserve our mental health.

The scientific word for these
establishments is "silly. "

But we use sex
to sell everything these days.

T elevision, movies, Diet Coke.

Comedians tell graphic jokes,
many using violent sexual humor.

Dramatic movies depict explicit sex.

Comedies show semen
dripping from ears.

What upsets us is not that these clubs
don't reflect our standards...

... but that maybe they do.

Just cut to it
and say that I won.

As much as this pains me:

- You win.
- I'm so pleased.

- Let's go to your club to celebrate.
- Please, it's disgusting.

- Where's Georgia?
- She went to the clerk's office.

- Want to dance?
- Sure.

- Sorry about your bowl.
- There will be others.

I was very proud of you,
going undercover.

You would've made a great spy.

Georgia?

- Ray! You still here?
- Going home.

Bad day, I guess.
Lost my case. Ally.

Of all the bad dates I've had,
you were the one....

- We didn't have anything in common?
- Not really.

- lt was just--
- Physical.

So you're really happy?

Very.

I wish once we'd....

Georgia....

- lt'll go nowhere.
- What?

- One kiss.
- We can't.

Not to lead to anything.
Just to know.

T o know what
it would be like.

I think we can guess what a kiss
would feel like.

They're all pretty much the same.

Yeah, you're right.

- Going nowhere?
- Right.

I can't.

Okay.

- I guess we hit ground.
- Yeah.

Good night.

Night.

You stinker!

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