Ally McBeal (1997–2002): Season 2, Episode 9 - You Never Can Tell - full transcript

Previously on Ally McBeal.

- You need a theme song.
- I need a what?

Something that you can play in
your head to make you feel better.

Are you... drawn to me?

She wants to go out,
says you're cute. It's

not a huge leap to
think a date is possible.

Well, she frightens me.
She makes my heart go...

- Boom.
- Take a number?

Well, you are on the
active side. No, I'm not.

You're looking good
this morning. So are you.

Any person who can make
you flex your romantic muscle,



remind you of what it's like
to feel, that's good company.

- I never want
to see you again.
- [Screams]

I don't think, uh, I
should see you anymore.

- What?
- [Screams]

What other song do
you hear sometimes?

- "Tell Him."
- I know that song.

Yeah. But I hear it slow.

Oh, it's no good slow. You gotta
hear it fast. Start hearing it faster.

This is progress.
[Sighs] There's hope.

♪♪ [Rock, Up-tempo]

[Vonda] ♪ I know
something about love ♪

♪ You've gotta want it bad ♪

♪ If that guy's got
into your blood ♪

[Tempo Slows Drastically]
♪ Go out and get him ♪



[Record Needle Scratches]

[Clanging] [Exhales Sharply]

[Playing Slowly] ♪
Here's the thing to do ♪

[Tempo Increases] ♪ Tell him
that you're never gonna leave him ♪

♪ Tell him that you're
always gonna love him ♪

♪ Tell him, tell him, tell
him Tell him right now ♪

♪♪ [Tempo Slows Drastically]

[Record Needle Scratches]

[Gasps]

Hey. Hey, Renee. Nice block.

- What's wrong?
- N-N-Nothing's wrong.

What, I can't kick a damn cushion?
That's what they make 'em soft for.

- So they'll be kickable.
- That's an expensive cushion.

I paid for half of it. If
you want to kick it...

It's a Thanksgiving
ritual, okay?

- A what?
- Thanksgiving.

It's my favorite holiday. It's the
time that we get to take a moment...

and sit back and reflect on
everything we have to be thankful for.

And I honor it by
kicking cushions.

Thanks for having a full life.

[Kicks Cushion]

Thanks for having
somebody to love. [Grunts]

Thanks for getting to get up every
day and getting to be a lawyer.

Thanks for not wanting a man.
Thank you for not needing one.

Thanks for all the
millions and millions of

awful men that I don't
need and I don't want.

Thanks for not having
my back tickled in so

long I don't even
remember what it feels like!

Thank you for Thanksgiving, and
knowing that Christmas comes next!

♪ I've been down this road ♪

♪ Walkin' the line
that's painted by pride ♪

♪ And I have made
mistakes in my life ♪

♪ That I just can't hide ♪

♪ Oh, I believe I am ready ♪

♪ For what love has
to bring Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I got myself together ♪

♪ Now I'm ready to sing ♪

♪ I've been searching
my soul tonight ♪

♪ I know there's so
much more to life ♪

♪ Now I know I
can shine a light ♪

♪ To find my way back home ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Baby, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪♪

Sweetheart. Please don't
call me that. I'm not sweet.

Darling... And not
that either, ever.

Well, we have exchanged affection.
Can I call you anything besides Ling?

Sugar. Or honey.

Pumpkin. Anything food.
You can call me food.

Ah. Honey, I know this lawsuit's
important to you. They all are, but...

I hope you're not about
to suggest I drop it.

Well, pork chop, it's
just it's nice to harbor...

some hope of victory when
you go into a courtroom and...

He harassed me. You can
prove it if you're good lawyers.

Yes. What if we settle?

What are they
offering? Nothing now.

But I think we can work them
up to an apology. No. We sue.

Buttercup... No!

How do we walk into
court... Just saddle me up...

We're turning ourselves
into a joke! Hold on! Quiet.

Let me ignore you one at a
time. This is ridiculous, Richard.

- Ridiculous cases are supposed
to go to Georgia!
- What?

I'm agreeing with you. He does
always saddle you up. This is your niche.

- Funny.
- Georgia's second chairing. She's saddled.

We're gonna have to draw the
line. I know she's Nelle's friend.

- I know you want to sleep with her, but...
- [Together] Ling.

Have you been taking my cases
because you want to sleep with me?

Bacon Bits, I'm nice to you
because I want to sleep with you.

I kissed you because I
want to sleep with you.

But taking your cases, I do that
only because you're wealthy...

and a potential cash cow for
the firm to milk in perpetuity.

Uh, Ling. What?

Suing a man because you think
he's having sexual thoughts...

with no action on his part...

- I thought
you and I were friends.
- [Laughs]

Friends? Friends?
Yeah, well, we are.

You're a mean
and spiteful group.

Where's Nelle? I need comfort.

- [Door Opens, Closes]
- She needs comfort.

Yeah.

Bowling? Bowling?
It's a date. Date!

What kind of a guy do you meet in
a bowling alley? Ben says he's cute.

Plus, you know, desperate.

Oh, he's desperate? You are.

It's three days
before Thanksgiving.

And you're looking for
something to be grateful for.

Nobody ever met
anybody any good bowling.

Ow! We're going bowling.

When you take the stand, it's
important that you seem sympathetic.

Do you think that's...
within your range?

[Growls]

Also, the-the, um... the part
about you being a little psychic,

that's obviously
gonna be a hurdle.

I'm only penile psychic. I can tell
when a man is thinking with his unit.

Yes. Can't you?

Uh, sometimes.

Look, if they win on summary
judgment, we never even go before a jury.

So? So, right now, my
being sympathetic is moot.

Ah, but it's never too
early to start practicing.

I need Nelle.

[Groans]

John?

Oh, Nelle. Hello.

Listen, uh... Oh,
you like my outfit?

Well, I-I... Yes.

Ling. She designs
clothing as a hobby.

She's great, actually. This
one's called Le Steward.

"Le Steward"? Flight attendant.

Men go for it though. I don't
know why. Anyway, can we go out?

I beg your pardon? I'm
beginning to really like you.

Can we just go
out on a real date?

With a beginning and an end.

[Nose Whistles]

I know you'd still prefer
to covet me from afar.

But it's driving
me a little crazy.

[Stammering] Just
whistle once for "yes."

[Nose Whistles Once]

Great.

Here's the file for
summary judgment,

pleadings and depositions.

This empty folder is
the supporting case law.

What? Well, we
know there's a story,

but-but we don't want
to ask. Mm-mmm.

It's a pregnancy
dress. I invented it.

Soft, lightweight foam.
It's very comfortable.

Why? Pregnant women
get certain allowances.

You're grocery
shopping, full cart, but you

need to use the express
checkout. It's okay.

Speeding tickets.

There's an inside water packet, you can
break it, make it look like the real thing.

In a pinch, you can even
use the handicap parking.

I'm getting the patent.

Georgia, could I
have a sec? Sure.

[Exhaling]

What's going on?
What do you mean?

What's with the dress, Elaine? You're
looking to be noticed again. Tell me.

Tell me.

George dumped me.
[Excitedly] He did?

Uh, I mean... I mean,
um... [Clears Throat] He did?

Are you okay? Oh, yeah.

It's not that I loved him or...
I'm really fine with it, actually.

In fact, I was losing interest.

And, I mean, he really did me a favor,
actually, 'cause you know how hard it is...

to tell someone that...

I'm glad that he has
taken me off the hook.

You're lying. I am fine.

I will be fine.

It's just... Thanksgiving.

I don't... I hate being
alone on Thanksgiving.

It makes it hard to eat the
turkey because you feel like one.

Yeah. Hey. Come over
to my house Thursday.

We'll watch football.
We'll throw some cushions.

Ally!

George told me everything...
About how he fell for you...

and how you wouldn't see
him out of loyalty to me and...

Well, on Thursday,

I'll be giving thanks
that you're my friend.

Same here. [Chuckles]

[Exhales]

Oh, you and I, we'll probably
never look like this for real, huh?

Oh, you never can tell, Elaine.

[Water Bubbling, Spilling]

Oh-ho. Excuse me.

Oh!

[Lawyer] First of
all, he works for her.

That means we have an employer
suing an employee for sexual harassment.

And second, he didn't do anything.
He's being sued for his thoughts.

Now, I know that George Orwell
would be thrilled at this idea,

but I think even he wouldn't have
imagined that we'd come to a point where...

Where people could be
sued for their thoughts.

[Judge] I have to say, uh, Ms.
McBeal, this is pretty out there.

- Ms. McBeal?
- Sorry?

Would you like to focus
on the case? Oh, sure.

Um, first, there's no case law that
says an employer can't sue an employee.

The issue is simply, "Does the
conduct of the defendant result...

in a hostile working
environment for the plaintiff?"

Who works for who
doesn't matter. Second, I, uh,

suspect that Mr. Wells
thinks that... that... [Giggles]

Feels that, um, I'm
interested in him.

You might think
so, too, Your Honor.

Well, maybe I could
have been more subtle.

Perhaps. Where do you
think that line should be?

I mean, here, I didn't say
anything. I just gave him a look.

Now, I could give him this look.

Or I could just smile softly.

Or I could just look up a
little with my head down.

Or I could just send the slightest,
almost undetectable signal.

My own little "I want to
sleep with you" glance...

that he alone can read.

I want it, right here,

right now, rough.

- You won?
- Just summary judgment.

But still... I knew
you could do it.

From now on, Georgia,
I see you naked

without a saddle.
Thank you, but Ally did it.

Where's Ling? She's not here?

We have to go over her testimony.
She's first up. She said she'd be here.

Oh, I saw her go into
Ally's office with Elaine.

Cream and sugar? [Laughs]

Ow! Stop tightening.

- What are you doing?
- I'm making her look
sympathetic for the jury.

I think this should do it, but I also
have a snap-on cast, just in case.

Elaine. You can't
fake an injury.

It's the equivalent of
false testimony. Plus,

there's not enough
plaster on the planet...

- Excuse me?
- Just take it off. That's stupid.

A trial is all about
presentation.

- Now.
- [Scoffs]

And this is the way
she treats the pregnant.

Ow!

John?

- Billy.
- How's it going?

Fine. Thank you.

Everything all right?

I'm at a precipice.

You feel like talking about it?

[Woman] Yes, we're
still on for that meeting.

Is it... Stefan?

Well, it's really not Stefan.

No, it's Nelle.

But the loss of Stefan, I think,

has maybe left me with a
void I'm trying to fill and...

Are you and Nelle, uh... She
wants to go out on a date for real.

As much as I'd prefer
to covet from afar,

I do have glandular pulls.

What's the conflict? I can't see
myself with her, not in the long term.

But the idea of short-term
fruition, that draws me.

But, uh, I'm worried.

You know, what might be fun for
her... could be dangerous for me.

And you think you
might fall in love with her.

Worse things could happen.

Suppose I did... fall in love.

You know, it would be very hard
to work in the same office with her.

The law would preclude
removing her from the office.

On the other hand,

it's probably not wise to
sit in a corner all my life.

Honest answer, Billy.

Could you see the
two of us working out?

No.

Most of the time it would
just be full vertical scanning.

"Full vertical scanning"? Yes.

His eyes would start at my ankles.
They'd slowly trawl up my legs,

hesitating briefly
at my calves before

proceeding to my buttocks
where he'd again pause.

He'd then go up the
torso, over my head,

then down the back,
over my soft, flowing hair,

eventually resting once
again on my buttocks.

He'd usually close with a
squint and slight purse of the lips.

And... And how
often did he do this?

Whenever I walked
out into the plant.

Eventually I became
too unnerved to go into

the warehouse for fear
of sexual "oglement."

And I'm the manager. I
have to go into the warehouse.

But Mr. Witton worked for you. Why
didn't you terminate his employment?

I couldn't. He's union.

The question we're asking, "What's
the harm in having a man look at you?"

I kind of like it.

You like it when it's the right man. When
it's a gross pig, it gives you nightmares.

- You had nightmares?
- I would visualize
what he was thinking.

This overweight, un-bathed
person sweating on top of me.

- Objection.
- He thought those things. Just ask him.

What else would
Mr. Witton do, besides think?

He would call me
by my name... Woo.

Except he'd say it
soft. [Softly] "Woo."

Like postcoital... [Sighs]

- It repulsed me.
- [Laughs]

Hey. Hey.

This is probably
none of my business.

Then the discussion should
end there, shouldn't it?

John Cage is kind
of a vulnerable guy.

I think you know
that. And in truth,

I was pretty impressed
when you gave him the frog.

But I would hope you wouldn't date
him either out of curiosity or sport.

[Toilet Flushes]

He gave me his spare flusher.

If you were so afraid he might have
overheard what you were just saying,

chances are you weren't
being loyal to him by saying it.

And he's never
said anything to you?

He says, "Hello," "Good
morning," things like that.

But he uses lascivious tones.

He says "hello" in
a lascivious tone?

Yes. And shoots me
groin-motivated looks.

Mm-hmm. Ms. Woo, could it be
possible that you imagine these things?

I never considered
that, but let me. No.

[Wells] And he's never done
anything to you besides look at you?

- That's right.
- These looks, were they so
overt other people saw them?

Even if others had, so what?
They're all union. They stick together.

I see. Now, Ms. Woo,

I don't mean to be insulting,
but your attire at work,

could it be construed
as perhaps provocative?

I like to stay contemporary,
but I certainly don't dress...

to incur the vile, depraved
thoughts your client keeps having.

- [Wells] Your Honor.
- Sustained.

Ms. Woo, if it's a yes-or-no
question, "yes" or "no" will do.

I'm sorry.

Now, have you ever sought any
psychiatric or medical treatment...

as a result of the emotional
injuries you claim to have?

I should have, I suppose. But I was
brought up not to impose my pain on others.

I decided to sue, not
so much for my healing,

but so as to prevent him
from harming future victims.

To think that other young women
could be objectified and reduced,

and to know that I could have
done something about it but didn't...

Your Honor?

Once again, for the
yes-or-no questions...

♪♪ [Rock]

[Vonda] ♪ Gimme,
gimme dat ding ♪

♪ Gimme dat, gimme dat
Gimme, gimme, gimme dat ♪

♪ Gimme dat ding, gimme
dat Gimme, gimme dat ♪

♪ Gimme dat ding, gimme dat Gimme,
gimme dat Gimme, gimme, gimme dat ding ♪

♪ Gimme dat, gimme dat
Gimme, gimme, gimme dat ♪

♪ Gimme that thing, gimme
dat Gimme, gimme dat ♪

♪ Gimme dat ding, gimme dat Gimme,
gimme dat Gimme, gimme, gimme dat ding ♪

♪ Oh, what good's a metronome
without a bell to ring ♪♪

[Record Needle Scratches]

[Laughs] You ready? Uh, yes.

If you don't mind, I'd prefer
going down to the bar downstairs.

I'd just feel more
comfortable there.

Okay.

I'm telling you, as hostile as she
was, I think the jury sort of liked her.

But there's something
about Ling that...

Watch it! The ball
holes are too big.

No. It's your fingers.
They're too little.

Don't they make little balls for
little fingers? Here come the guys.

Ready to knock down a few pins?

I'm all set.

Ally, you remember
Ben. Yeah. Hi.

And this is Wallace Pike.

- Wally, Ally.
- Hello.

[Road Runner Beeps]

It's nice to meet you.

May I offer you
something to drink?

[Laughs] Um, uh, maybe later.

Uh, I have to
find a ball that fits.

Renee? Could you help me?

Yeah, sure. Come here.

[Vonda] ♪ Love ♪

♪ This is my song ♪

♪ Here is a song ♪

♪ A serenade to you ♪

It's hard to dance.
I'm a little wrought.

I was thinking,
after this is over,

maybe you could take a
little time off from suing people.

In which case, how
would you milk me?

Did Ling just make a joke?

♪ In this world there is you ♪

You're not having a
good time, are you?

I am. I would like to get you
out of this cocoon sometime.

Are you afraid of me?

Oh, I... Um, a little.

Hi.

Hi. I've seen you
in here a few times.

You work in the
building? I do, actually.

Yeah. My name's Sean.

Hi, Sean. I'm Nelle.
And this is my date, John.

Oh.

Hey. [Groans]

Sean. Hello.

Well, good to meet
you both. [Chuckles]

So, we gonna dance? Actually,
you know, I'm-I'm a little beat.

If you don't mind, could we
just, uh, cut it a little short?

Oh. Sure.

♪ Love ♪

♪ This is my song ♪

♪ Here is a song ♪

♪ A serenade to you ♪♪

[Chattering] [Bowling
Pins Clattering]

The ball holes are
too big, damn it.

- Does that one count?
- Maybe we should
just go dancing.

- No.
- I'm an excellent dancer.

No, I love bowling. Bowling is more
fun than dancing, isn't it, Wallace?

Excuse me, miss. I
couldn't help but notice.

Now, the balls are
far too big for you.

Oh, the ball holes. Yeah.

My name is Seymore Martin.

My wife and I bowled here every
Wednesday night for 36 years.

She died three Decembers ago.

- He's as funny as Wally.
- [Ben] Shh.

I'm sorry to hear that.

I bowl alone now. I
bring her ball in memory.

She, too, had little
hands. You may use it.

Oh, no. No, no, I couldn't.

Oh, it would make her happy to know
somebody enjoyed it. We met in this alley.

Her name is Ally.
Isn't that ironic?

Please, see if it fits.

Wow. Finally, a snug fit.

Well, here it goes. [Chuckles]

[Skidding]

This left here. And it's 1412.

[Taxi Driver] You got it, ma'am.

Lousy time, huh?
[Laughs] Oh, no.

Well, I'll see you tomorrow.
I'm sorry I was... was so beat.

Yeah. [Laughs]

All right. Good night.

[Door Closes]

Can you turn them at all? No.

Fingers swell during the menstrual
cycle. Are you menstruating?

You are just a walking HBO special,
Wally. Anybody ever tell you that?

All right.

I have had a lot of salt.
My fingers could be swollen.

Well, you could wait, but if they
swell more, you could risk circulation.

Can't you wait, Ally? Please. The
thing is, I'm in trial in the morning.

- I can't go into court
wearing a bowling ball.
- Cut it off.

No, please. Miss Ally,

I approached you because
something about you spoke to me.

Maybe it's the
kindness of your soul.

This ball is my most
treasured possession.

[Straining]

We'll get through this.

[Groans]

Well, what do you
mean it's stuck?

I mean, it's stuck.
It won't come off.

You can't go into court attached to a
bowling ball. What else am I gonna do?

It's the guy's dead
wife. This-This...

[Gasps] Whoa.

This is all he has left of her.

Every time my case
goes well, you sabotage it.

- Georgia...
- [Bowling Ball Thuds]

- Can you step in?
- Well, Ally's prepared
the next witness.

- [Scoffs] - Where's Nelle?
I need Nelle. I'm fraught.

Kumquat. I'm told my case
is borderline to begin with.

She's gonna argue
it with a bowling ball?

I was gonna try to hide
it under a longer skirt.

- Maybe you could use
my pregnant dress.
- [All] Quiet!

All right, look. You could
explain it to the judge and the jury.

Who knows? Maybe
they'll find it endearing.

Ally. I worried all night.

- Who are you?
- Oh, Wally. Uh, I'm fine.

- Thank you.
- I brought these.

[Forced Laugh]
You-You-You shouldn't have.

Elaine, take it. My hand. Sure.

Well, Georgia, we gotta get to court.
Let's go. Uh, bye, Wally. And thanks.

Elaine. In my office.

[Groans] Fifty-dollar
raise if you get rid of him.

Just tell him you don't
want to go out with him. I did!

He keeps saying that all his
relationships come through perseverance.

And he keeps saying
that-that every knock is a boost.

So boost him down
a stairwell. Elaine.

It's Thanksgiving week. He's got a
pulse. Doesn't he beat being alone?

Does he look like
he beats being alone?

[Wally] ♪ You are my
sunshine My only sunshine ♪

♪ You make me happy ♪
What the hell is that?

♪ When skies are gray ♪

♪ You'll never know, dear how
much I love you ♪ He's serenading you.

He's a romantic. Well, then you
take him. You're on the rebound.

♪ Please don't take my
sunshine away ♪ That wasn't nice.

I'm sorry. I didn't... I... ♪ You are
my sunshine My only sunshine... ♪

Wally!

That-That was a mean
thing for me to say. And I'm...

[Screams]

[Crying] Damn it.

Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!
Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

Damn it! Damn it.

John?

- John, you got the biggest booger...
- [Squeals]

Oh, I'm sorry. It's
a frog. Bygones.

- Did you need something?
- Uh, at the bar,

sitting at my table I
couldn't help but noticing...

'Cause he was spying.
I saw this guy come up.

Did Nelle start
up with him or...

No. But... Well, the thing you
have to realize about Nelle...

is, uh, that she's
standing right behind you.

Nelle. How's it going?

We were just, uh, reviewing
your date. Any thoughts?

How about what's between me
and John is between me and John?

[Laughs]

Seriously.

If you want to tell them
what's going on, go ahead.

But at some point, I'd
appreciate you telling me.

Unbelievable legs.

- I'd like to be left alone,
if you don't mind.
- Yeah. Billy.

Go.

[Squeals] [Elevator Bell Dings]

I could sue you
both. I'm sure you will.

Talk about malpractice.
What's going on?

- Ask her.
- Soybean?

We lost. Directed verdict.

What? Yes. The judge said,
"I don't need to hear you.

I've heard the other
side." And he kicked it.

Well, Ling, we prepared you.
Sexually harassing thoughts...

I mean, there's no doubt the
law will get there, it's just, see...

This is a drawback of
being ahead of your time.

They laughed at Ben
Franklin, you know?

[Keyboard Clacking]

I let my frog run free, he ended
up getting flushed down the toilet.

I don't want my hope
to meet the same fate.

You're afraid you'll get hurt.

When that man
approached you last night,

that-that must happen
all the time with you.

With-With princes
no less, not just frogs.

Can we get off the frog thing?
You know how I hate frogs.

You're a beautiful
woman, and smart.

Anything and everything that you want
in a man, those choices are there for you.

Oh, John,

[Sighs] do you know
what most men are like?

Yes. And I'm not
totally insecure.

I think I measure up
well against most men.

But whatever you're
drawn to in me,

somewhere out there, those qualities
do exist in a more attractive package.

Well, I haven't met him.
But you probably will, Nelle.

And you won't even
have to go looking for him.

Because those men, they're
out there looking for you.

And, sooner or later,
you will be found.

John, whether you and I
are a match, who knows?

The truth is, I'm losing interest as we
speak because I'm not drawn to victims.

But if you think that
I'm the type of person...

who would just be swept
up by an attractive package,

why would you be
interested in me?

Look, I suspect all your friends
are telling you to play it safe.

So do that, if it works for you.

Three years of law school, five more
in practice, all to end up a ball girl.

- You gotta admit,
it's a little funny.
- It didn't feel funny.

Oh!

I apologize. No problem.

[Door Opens, Closes]

John, what you asked me
the other night... Oh, forget it.

I just... Forget it.

I got something to say,
damn it! Let me say it!

The whole negative
thing about you and Nelle,

I think part of me was thinking, there's
too much office soap opera as it is.

The partner/associate thing.

The law. Complications.

The truth is I don't know whether
you and Nelle could work out.

Maybe you could. Under
the shell, she could be okay.

And, well, you know
her better than me.

Is she a good
person? I think so.

Uh, uh, the main thing is that
she is standing right behind you.

Do you just sneak up on people?

Everybody knows everybody's
business here, don't they? Yes.

I would apologize for my behavior,
but I fear I would sound like a victim.

[Exhales] I see.

♪♪ [Funk] ♪ We got
it together didn't we ♪

♪ We've definitely got our
thing together Don't we, baby ♪

♪ Isn't that nice ♪
John?

Do you hear Barry White?

♪ Really, really nice ♪
Yes.

How... How could you tell?

♪ Nobody but you ♪

♪ And me ♪

♪♪ [Stops] I was just
trying to set the mood.

Ling's right. You're all nuts.

Elaine, unacceptable.

I was just trying... No!

Look.

Pull my arm. Excuse me?

Just pull it. A good, hard pull.

Pull it again.

That's all you have
to do. Take her.

Ask her to dance and take her.

That's what we want.

[Door Opens, Closes]

You got a minute? Good.

The thing I hate most
about guys is how they

won't look at a woman
unless she's beautiful.

Oh, gee, Nelle, I really
feel sorry for you there.

I'm not asking you
to feel sorry for me.

But nobody needs you
to feel sorry for John

Cage either. I'm not
feeling sorry for John.

It's bad enough you
attach everything to looks,

but when you presume
I do, I don't like it.

And, believe it or not, I like
the guy. How about that?

[Door Closes]

Ally, more flowers from Wallace.

- Oh, great.
- Hey. Nice flowers. Who from?

Oh, the most
boring man on Earth.

Oh, "Persistence is the first
virtue of love." [Phone Beeps]

- What the hell does that mean?
- It means he's not giving up.

He may not be giving up, but
he's coming up. Excuse me?

He's on the elevator. Thank you.

Georgia. In my office.
Just bring him in.

It's a problem being
beautiful, Nelle.

It's only the handsome
men who ask us out...

because they're the only ones
who think they have a chance.

And handsome men are dolts.

Life is unfair to us. I see.

[Patrons Chattering]

At some point, we have
to face a certain reality.

Despite all the glitter
the world seems to offer,

true happiness can only
be found in one thing.

Which is? Shopping.

Is she here?
Well, she is, but...

Oh, all right.

[Both Gasp]

[Clears Throat] Oh.

Excuse me.

Uh, W-Wally.

Hi.

Success. Ding,
dong, the bore is gone.

[Phone Rings]

- Hello?
- Oh, you owe me big-time
for that.

Oh, I don't know about that,
Georgia. What was with the tongue?

I didn't give you
tongue. I felt it.

Oh, you wish! I
got a little flitter.

[Clears Throat]

I didn't give you tongue.

Excellent. I really
wish you'd knock.

You just take her.
You're gonna be great.

- What?
- How do you always
stay so cheerful?

Sorry?

Well, isn't it hard
for you being alone?

How did you know I was alone?
Did Ally tell you I was dumped?

No. I... I...

You just assumed.

Don't you get
lonely, Elaine, ever?

I've never spent an
un-lonely day in my life.

Yeah, but you always
seem so happy.

Well, happy's
easy. You act happy.

People see you as happy. And
you see yourself through their eyes.

You feel happy. It
doesn't work for lonely.

But happy's easy.

[Groans]

[Screams]

[Exhales Sharply] Wally.

Hey, hey. How are you?

Uh, Georgia, honey,
I'll be right out.

If you like women, why'd
you go out on the date?

Well, denial. Baby cakes!

So you went out on the date
because you want to change?

Well, I-I...

Did you call me? I
heard someone yell food.

Uh, no, Ling. I didn't call you.

Why has the annoying
little man returned?

Ling!

Sorry, sorry. She's...
Lesbians can change.

I had some scripture
in my car. If you'd like.

Oh, W-Wally, um, thank you.

I can't wait to start reading.

I don't believe
in homosexuality,

so this has to be
good-bye for us.

Oh. Bugger.

But I'll pray for you.

Hmm. That's a start.

♪♪ [Up-tempo Rock]
[Vonda] ♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Whoo It was a
teenage wedding ♪

♪ And the old folks
wished 'em well ♪

♪ You could see that Pierre
did truly love the mademoiselle ♪

You kissed her? I had to.

I had to get rid of Wally.

Well, it was pretend.

She was pretty good.

- She can kiss.
- She can?

Yeah.

Have you ever fantasized
about kissing a woman for real?

What? Well, just to see.

You've never thought about
it? What it would be like?

W-W-Well, um, maybe, once.

Have you? Never.

Nelle, would you like to dance?

Well...

Let's go.

♪ They had a hi-fi phono
And, boy, did they let it blast ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

- Ling got over her big loss?
- I think she prefers to lose.

In winning, there's
nobody to blame.

She looks happy.

♪ The rapid tempo
of the music fell ♪

♪ "C'est la vie"
say the old folks ♪

♪ It goes to show
you never can tell ♪

[Screams]

Are you all right?

Well, yeah.

♪ It was there that Pierre was
wedded to the mademoiselle ♪

♪ "C'est la vie"
say the old folks ♪

♪ It goes to show
you never can tell ♪

Come on. If you kissed
Georgia, you can dance with me.

Oh, well, let's go, baby.

A little three-way?

Oh, I'm in.

♪ They had a teenage wedding
and the old folks wished 'em well ♪

♪ You could see that Pierre
did truly love the mademoiselle ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ And now the young monsieur and
madame have rung the chapel bell ♪

♪ "C'est la vie"
say the old folks ♪

♪ It goes to show
you never can tell Oh ♪

♪ "C'est la vie"
say the old folks ♪

♪ It goes to show
you never can tell ♪♪

[Woman] You stinker!