Ally McBeal (1997–2002): Season 1, Episode 18 - The Playing Field - full transcript

ALLY:
Besides dancing, he plays hockey.

TRACY: Is he good?
- I don't know. I don't watch hockey.

It's cruel to the animals
to make them skate.

Obviously befriending
Chuckie hasn't worked.

- Kick his ass!
- I beg your pardon?

Your unconscious is taunting you.
Kick his bottom.

You're still doing
the underwater thing?

Well, some. Less.

Well, some.
Let's work on whole sentences.

- What does some mean?
- Isn't that your job to tell me?

You've met a man. You're not
so underwater. You're a weakling.



I am not a weakling.

I skipped many classes
but this underwater thing is fear.

And now that you're with somebody...

- I'm not.
- The doctor.

- I'm not with him.
- But you could be.

He's made you less afraid.

You could get a husband.
Your life's not a waste.

That's why you feel less underwater.

- Aren't you the all-American weakling?
- I am not!

You're afraid of a baby.

- I am not!
- Then kick his butt!

- This isn't normal therapy!
- You're not normal.

- You can't use that word!
- You used it first.

I don't need you giving me crap.
My roommate does it for free.



This is what we're going to do:

Walk through the water.

When you feel like drowning,
stand on your feet and walk.

But first, the baby. Get him.

- Get him?
- Get him.

VONDA SINGS:
I've been down this road

The Playing Field

Walking the line
That's painted by pride

And I have made mistakes in my life

That I just can 't hide

Oh, I believe I am ready

For what love has to bring

I got myself together

Now I'm ready to sing

I've been searching my soul tonight

I know there's so much more to life

Now I know I can shine a light

To find my way back home

Oh, baby, yeah

Oh, yeah

She doesn't sound
like a real doctor.

Sometimes I think it's a joke,
but John isn't really a prankster.

- Does she make you feel better?
- I feel more free.

- You do?
- Yeah.

I'm certainly for that.

[CAR BRAKES SCREECHING]

Oh!

- Are you okay?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I have
these fantasies sometimes.

And I saw your smile
and then this stop sign.

And then we, like, hit somebody.

Ally, we did hit somebody.

You went right through a stop sign!

Are you all right?

I don't know. I'm a little shaken.

- I didn't see...
- How this happened.

- Were you speeding?
- Was I speeding?

- I wasn't looking...
- To be involved in an accident today.

- Do you wear glasses?
- Does it look like it?

Let's exchange information.

There's no need for anybody
to admit liability here.

- You're one of them.
- Excuse me?

- I can see it. You are one.
- One what?

A lawyer.
I can tell by the way you talk.

Well, so?
What are you, an accountant?

Oh, I didn't mean...

- I like accountants, really.
- You meant it, I saw it.

- He went through the stop sign?
- Yeah, nobody got hurt...

What were you doing in his car?
Did you spend the night together?

We did not spend the night together.
We met for coffee.

We're just interested.

Eva Curray. They've brought
a 12B motion to dismiss.

- I thought I'd argue it myself.
- Poughkeepsie.

I've located a word to help me
control my stuttering.

- Poughkeepsie?
- Yeah.

- Isn't that a town in Rhode Island?
- It's phonetic.

Nothing geographical in its genesis.

Poughkeepsie.

Back to the case.

There's no case. She claims she was
harassed when she wasn't.

We'll meet with the woman.
We'll argue it.

- Richard.
- No boundaries.

We're pioneers.
Upward and onwards.

We're pioneers.

She's a little aggressive.

JOHN: She comes right at you.
She charges more if I take a moment.

Really?

But she gets results.

I'm working on a new smile
to connote adorability and shyness.

- Want to see it?
- Sure.

That's great.

- Really?
- It was adorable.

- Ally, I got a call from Oren Koolie.
- Who?

A lawyer representing
the man you plowed into.

Will you be handling it?

- He's got a lawyer?
- Set up a meeting?

Well, technically I'm a witness.
But go ahead.

Okay. Hi, John.

Excellent.

- He's suing me?
- He wants to get some quick money.

I should meet him.

Did he look hurt?

No, that's why I stopped you
from admitting anything.

The way things are,
it'd be unconstitutional...

...for him not to sue you.

I'm gonna bring in John
because I could be a witness.

A witness for him.

You saw I was distracted a little.

Yeah.

["THIS GUY" PLAYS IN ALLY'S HEAD]

I saw something like that.

I better go.

[RECORD SCRATCHES]

- Patients waiting.
- Okay.

- I'll keep you posted.
- Great, thanks.

- He never asked for sex?
- I've never met him.

No hostile work environment
or sexually charged atmosphere?

- No.
- You're claiming harassment because...

Women who've been promoted
have granted him favors.

I'm being left back for not granting
favors, despite him not asking.

- Excellent.
- Wait.

The women got their promotions
as a result of sexual favors?

- I can't say that for sure, but...
- But what?

Mr. Tyler is a nice man.
He'd never ask for any quid pro quo.

But it's sort of become clear.

You've heard the way to the heart's
through his stomach?

- Yes.
- Evidently with Mr. Tyler...

...it's not through his stomach.

Just a second.
Your client never even met this man?

- Correct.
- And so he never harassed her?

- Correct.
- But other women who were...

...promoted had relations with him?

- Yes.
- Your client...

...is suing him for actions
with other women?

Yes.

- Do we win?
- No.

- What am I missing?
- Exactly.

The laws are meant to prevent
women from being victimized.

She has been victimized.

- How?
- How?

If she stays in the same place
by refusing sex, it's the same.

No sex, no advancement.

- First of...
- To get ahead...

- Richard!
JUDGE: Counsel!

A boss influenced by sex...

...penalizes women who
don't exert that influence.

Res ipso de facto, quid pro quo,
e pluribus penis.

I'd like an evidentiary hearing
to see if this is tenable.

On this theory...

...if he has an affair with any woman
who's promoted, every woman could sue.

He said it! Do we win?

He just makes me nervous.
I sweat too.

If he's in my office for two minutes,
I get pitted.

You should. I don't see
a guy twice if I don't get pitted.

Really?

Why can't I just be poised?

He's handsome, he's a doctor.

When I'm nervous, I stick
my breasts out.

- Excuse me?
- Not really.

In my mind. Men go for my breasts
before they know me.

So to feel more self-confident,
I locate my esteem in my bosom.

Stupid, but it works.

I'd love to find
my esteem in your bosom, but...

- What do men go for with you?
- I don't know.

Probably my eyes.

Men don't go for eyes. That's a lie.

- What else?
- Well...

- My lips?
- Good.

So if you get nervous
just think lips.

- Oh, please.
- No, Ally.

Your therapist is good,
but there are some things I know.

I am not talking about
little flirt games.

That song, "Goodnight, My Someone."
This could be someone.

Just think lips.

- He won't deny the relationships.
- I don't have the pioneer...

- Attitude, Georgia.
- I got attitude.

["HOOKED ON A FEELING" PLAYS]

JOHN: Ally!
OREN'S MOM: Oren!

Are you all right? Anything broken?

OREN'S MOM: Are you okay?
- My God.

- My God!
JOHN: Sure you're okay?

- Are you all right?
- I think.

- I thought you were someone else.
- I'm okay.

Are you sure?
I kicked you really hard.

Yes, you did.

- I'm okay.
OREN'S MOM: All right.

You're a mean, mean woman.

- I am so sorry.
- Ally, this is Oren Koolie.

He represents the other driver.

[SWOOSHING SOUND]

What?

Could you excuse us for one second?

Yeah, actually I could
use a second myself.

Child prodigy? He's a lawyer?

- A good one.
- That's ridiculous.

He looks like he's 4 years old.

Almost 10. A hormone deficiency
prevents his growth.

That little boy is almost
10 years old?

He's a genius.
Went through law school in 11 months.

So, he's real?

- Others see him, it's not just me.
- He's real.

I'll be brief.
Give me what I want, I'll go away.

What are you looking for?

125, up front.
Punitive damages.

- How old are you really?
- Ally.

I don't even know what "punitive" is.
How old?

I'll be 10 in a month.

Ms. McBeal, you kicked me.
I think you should play nice.

I'm sorry, I can't.
Could I take a moment?

Take as long as you need.
I'll be back.

They initiated it.

- The other women?
- Yes.

- You promoted them?
- Eventually.

Was there any quid pro quo?

- Did they proposition you?
- Absolutely not.

The employees you had sex with
were the women you promoted.

- That's a coincidence.
- I didn't say that.

- It wasn't a coincidence?
- Let's be realistic.

When you're intimate, you get
invested in that person's future.

People do promote their friends.
Maybe that's what happened.

The promotions had
nothing to do with sexual favors.

They advanced because
they could do the job.

Had you gotten to know her better...

...you might've invested more
in her future.

- Possibly.
- What's your typical workday?

Meeting after meeting.

- You never really take lunch?
- True.

The only opportunity to get
to know you is after-hours.

I guess that's fair.

Nine years old?

- He'll be 10 in a month.
- You kicked him?

- I thought he was pretend.
- You only kick pretend people?

Yes. And don't smile at me like that.

That got you into this accident.
You smiled.

I think it was your smile.

Such a dangerous smile.

I stayed too long. I'm late.

- I'll call you later.
- Sure.

I'll call you this afternoon.

He's afraid.
Why make that your problem?

- Why?
- He's interested.

- Men pounce when interested.
- They pounce on the wrong girls.

With the right girl,
they turn into bumbling chickens.

You dropped your head on the table.

- What?
- Butter on your face.

Wipe it off before meeting the midget.

Little person! Not midget.

- Tracy... Can I call you Tracy?
- No, and don't stand either. Down.

Greg's not afraid of me.
I have a good radar.

He's picking up on my fear.
It makes him uncomfortable.

This is a great guy,
and he makes me nervous.

- Theme song!
- I tried. It's not enough.

Bugger. You need Pips.

I'm sorry?

I don't recommend this
to many patients.

It requires a large inner world
not many people have. But you do.

Have you ever seen
Gladys Knight and the Pips?

- Yes.
- Seen her without them?

- I think.
- She's great alone. But with them?

Another level. And why not?

That backup is bound
to bolster confidence.

What I want you to do:

When you play your song,
visualize your very own Pips...

...behind you.

We're nothing without trust.

Look, I played along when you
wanted me to attack the baby.

And you did.
Who knew he was real? Fluke.

Your very own Pips. An imagination
is a terrible thing to waste.

- I'm not saying he's a bad person.
- Then what?

The head of my company,
he's a single man who likes to date.

Healthy sex drive.

Women at my workplace prey on him.
They get ahead doing so.

- The women are predators.
- Doesn't make a difference.

I could throw myself at him.

I choose not to.
As a result, I don't get promoted.

I work in an office
where going forward...

...or not going forward
is connected to sex.

He shouldn't date women
working for him?

I'm not saying that.

He shouldn't
promote women he's dated?

- I'm not saying that.
- That's why you're suing.

He promoted women he's been with.

I'm suing because going after him
seems my best shot at career growth.

I don't think that's right.

This case isn't right.

- We're in it now.
- I have a problem...

- Cramps.
- Excuse me?

What, men can't cramp?
Women have priority?

I can't tolerate that gender bias.
John would take a moment.

Billy?

Isn't this lawsuit
the most ridiculous thing?

The ridiculous thing
is we might win.

I think I need to take a long walk.

It isn't about settling.
This goes on his record.

- It drives up the premiums.
- He did run the stop sign.

You think he did.
But without witnesses...

Wait just a second.
Are you denying liability?

I am not denying
or admitting anything.

In fact, since I was a witness,
I might have to disqualify myself.

Then why are you here?

Because you are trying
to take a shortcut to settling.

What was that?

- I heard that.
- It was irrelevant.

- You hummed a Munchkin song.
- I did no such thing.

Any advice I give my client
assumes you can prove liability.

You can't.

We are not prepared
to offer you anything else.

- What, nothing?
- Sorry.

Your guy ran the sign.

We'll pay your client's deductible.
But if he isn't hurt...

...we are not offering more.
- That isn't fair.

I'm sorry.

[OREN CRIES]

- What's he doing?
- He's crying.

That isn't fair!

He's 9.

We better get his mother.

- I'm sorry.
- You hurt my feelings!

I'll get his mom.

He just hates to lose.

- Maybe he shouldn't be a lawyer.
- What am I gonna do?

He hates baseball.
He's good at this...

[SHOES DROPPING]

He's throwing his shoes.

- I'll take him home.
- No, no.

It isn't that. It's...
How can you let him practice law?

- He's a child.
- Children won't play with him.

Neither will adults.

He can only get people to sit
with him by deposition.

Any idea what it's like to be
a genius? It isn't fun.

Oren, hold your fire.

Where are you?

OREN:
You're a mean woman!

Please come out.

Listen to me.

Come here.

Okay, I don't know anything
about child prodigies.

The Mensa Club never sent me anything.

But I do know that you are too young
to be exposed to lawyers.

I'm not saying you should go
finger-paint. But you're a child.

As a genius you should
know kids need childhoods.

I only plan to be
a lawyer till I'm 12.

Then I'm going
to be an ophthalmologist.

What about 75? I think
I can sell 75 to my client.

- Georgia?
- She should be here.

I want her at our table.
We need some estrogen.

This is uncharted territory
on sexual harassment.

I know, I even consulted
the law on this.

- What did you do?
- Cut my hair.

- Like it?
- It's shorter.

I asked him to cut it longer.

- Good length.
- Touch my wattle, I break your finger.

It was just for luck.

- You really cut it.
- You don't like it?

I do. It's a little radical.

I decided to take a wild leap.

Personally, I hate
sexual-harassment laws.

The force behind them were lesbians
who couldn't get ahead.

- Excuse me? Disgruntled lesbians?
- Yes.

Lesbians started
sexual-harassment laws?

And ugly women who were jealous
of pretty girls.

The majority of women
that sue? Ugly.

A pheasant flies through
the room, they point.

Mr. Fish.

Without going to the depths
of where you've taken us...

...how does this argument
support your cause of action?

My action is premised on the notion
that women are victims.

When you look at the evolution
of harassment laws...

...we say that they should qualify
under the Disabilities Act.

They can't cope with romance
in the office.

They cannot contend
with a man smiling at them.

It's too much.
Look where we are, judge.

It used to be quid pro quo,
now it's Seinfeld episodes.

Women can't take it.

The laws of this land protect
the weakest members of society.

She's a woman. Protect her!

Did you expect that
to be persuasive?

- Yes.
- "She's a woman, therefore disabled"?

- Georgia, give me your shoe.
- Excuse me?

May I hold it for a second?

Why would a person walk on this?

These are uncomfortable
and cause back problems.

But call it fashion.

What person spends
two years painting her face?

Plucks her eyebrow hairs,
Puts silicone into her chest?

There's a name for this: Woman.

She does all this because men like it.

Don't tell me you're not disabled.

You're taking him to the aquarium?

- He's opposing counsel.
- He's also a child, not just a genius.

- What about his mother?
- She tries. He won't go with her.

- What?
- You are something.

I wish I'd get you to take me.

That's an invitation.
I'd take you.

Really?

[FINGERS SNAPPING]

- Where to?
- Where do you want to take me?

- Maybe over my knee.
- Excuse me?

Kidding, that was a joke.

Maybe it's time to turn
this over to my insurance.

- Lf it'll go within policy limits.
- I'll get the numbers as low as I can.

- Okay, let me know.
- Will do.

Greg?

- I'll let you know.
- Great.

- Why did you let him leave?
- What?

You think he wanted to stay.

How about say something like, "Stay!"

Don't mock me.
I'm not in session now.

You asked me to come
and see your world.

I've been listening to you, and you.
You should make an appointment.

I can't believe what
a wimpy thing you are.

You too, which we can discuss later.

This is your therapist?

A guy walks out of your office,
you change toothpaste. And you?

- What about me?
- Getting worked up about this case.

You can't stand
being liked for sex appeal...

...and you can't stand not being...

Don't analyze me.
I'm not your patient.

Yes, all you need for a life change
is a cheap haircut.

- Don't you laugh!
- Sorry.

Look at your friend.

She's in charge.
She uses her sex appeal as a power.

She's got it,
and she gets what she wants.

Using sex as a power
makes us stronger?

Of course sex is power. It's ours!

You two assume it's the man's
playing field, when it's ours.

Cuff Links. Theme song.

- Hey.
- Hey! Who are you?

- Billy.
- Ah, Billy.

Come then.

["TRACY" PLAYS]

This is the woman in charge
of your emotional welfare?

Sixty is nuisance change.

- We're not authorized to settle.
- You are. No deal, Biscuit.

- Mr. Koolie?
- No!

Don't disappear under the table.

- You... Poughkeepsie.
- Come out, Oren.

OREN: When you make a decent offer.
- Come out!

OREN: And I may sue you!
- What?

OREN:
You kicked me and fondled me.

Hey! Is that how you practice law?
Extortion?

If it'll serve my client.
I'm done being nice.

This is nice?
You have been nothing but arrogant...

...except when you cry.
Yesterday you almost breast-fed.

Take that back!

You want to play with the grownups
in the real world, this is it!

We don't fork over money like candy!

You don't get exceptions
because you're tiny.

[OREN CRIES]

I went home last night
with one mission:

Find a way to dismiss
her preposterous claim.

- But I failed.
- Yes!

Thank you. Trial date?

- May I finish?
- Oh, certainly.

Though the law does not yet cover
her claim...

...the spirit of the law is to prevent
women from being victimized...

...by sexually charged environments.

I'm just not sure
she hasn't been victimized.

We need a trial to find out.

Now you'll stop doubting.

Yes, great victory.
Why don't we get cigars?

You mind us promulgating
the women's movement?

You only promulgate movements
in the unisex.

- You insulted women's rights.
- How?

You made a mockery of the laws.
As a former victim of...

Your boss transferred you.
He was smitten.

You sued.
That doesn't make you a victim.

You seek cover in
a sexual-harassment law...

...which creates victims.
I wish you hadn't said unisex.

It's made me have to go.
Ode to the bran muffin.

Mentally, you're up to being a lawyer.

But emotionally, you run
under tables and cry.

You've never cried over a case?

- That's different, you're a kid.
- So what? I'm not a man.

I don't want to be like one.
It can be a child's world.

- Might want to leave.
- 35,000, take it or leave it.

'Cause you don't want me to cry?

That's what the case is worth.
No more.

- I'll take it to my client.
- Good.

And, Oren, you're right.

Put off being a man
as long as you can.

RICHARD:
Mayday, mayday!

ALLY: He's right.
- Who?

Oren. We're trying
to succeed in a man's world.

Who says it has to be a man's world?

- Men.
- Exactly. Well, forget it!

Oren believes that it can
even be a child's world.

Why not a woman's?
Tracy tried to tell me that.

I needed to hear it
from him to sink in.

I'd like to get Richard
in a ring and kickbox him.

Who says Greg has to initiate?
Why can't I grab a bull by his horn?

You know what I hate the most?
If we take a man to court...

...he just goes to his cigar bar
and blows smoke, saying:

"Those weak women
use those damn laws."

- Ladies.
- The law didn't beat my old boss.

I beat him, I took him on.
I kicked ass!

- There's nothing disabled about me!
- It's wrong to call women that!

- And to sniff my shoe!
- Objectify people by their wattles!

I'm not going to sit there
as token estrogen.

And I don't flirt with clients.

You will show respect for us!

- And this firm!
- You get that?

- I do. I'm also aroused.
- Get out!

Verbal spankings titillate.

- Oh, John!
- Please stop throwing shoes at me!

- You settled?
- 35. It's a good number.

Your insurance company
will sign off, and...

Unless you want to drag this out.

- What?
- Part of me wants to drag this out.

- You're into dragging, aren't you?
- Excuse me?

[FINGERS SNAPPING]

Look, there's something
going on between you and me.

It makes you uncomfortable,
and makes me feel funny.

Oh, well, Ally...

I'm not going to let you
leave the room this time. I'm not.

Let's just address this.

Okay.

We move, we stop.
We move, we stop. Why?

- You scare me.
- Okay.

- Why?
- Because you do.

The premature honesty.

You got those Pips in the room?

Maybe.

There's gotta be some rule
against attorney and client...

Probably.

This feels like right about the time...

...I've been leaving the room. Is it?

You're not gonna run
out of this room.

I've never ever kissed a girl
I haven't danced with first.

["WALK WITH ME" PLAYS]

And I'll take you where

Peaceful waters flow

Settle by Monday.

With you leading the charge for women,
they're doomed.

Nonsense. I'm a closet feminist.
The door.

Wattle. I give her a nine.

- A nine?
- Georgia, hey! Dance?

- Level playing field when dancing.
- Sure, Richard. Let's dance.

- I'm troubled.
- Why?

My therapist, she knows.

She knows? Knows what?

That they'll eventually lead.
The women, they'll lead.

- Your therapist knows this?
- And she's telling.

Come on, you.

Troubled.

And I'll take you where

Peaceful waters flow

And walk with me

We can go

Peaceful waters flow

OLD LADY:
You stinker!

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