Ally McBeal (1997–2002): Season 1, Episode 17 - Theme of Life - full transcript

Georgia, Ally, and Renée sign up for kickboxing classes to relieve stress. As luck would have it, Georgia and Ally end up having to face each other in the ring. After much awkward pretext, the fight begins and all civility is lost. Ally tries a case concerning an attractive surgeon who performed an unauthorized and controversial transplant procedure.

Get some energy! Is everybody ready?

Five, six, seven, eight!

Three, six, nine
The goose drank the wine

The monkey chewed tobacco
On the streetcar line

The line broke
And the monkey got choked

But they all went to heaven
On a little rowboat

Other side!

- I thought this relieved stress.
- Just keep jabbing.

Hey, here we go!
Kick, kick, kick, kick!

- I'm gonna have a stroke.
- Not on me.

This is great!



Move those feet.

Punch, jab, jab, jab.
Punch, jab, jab, jab. Punch...

VONDA SINGS:
I've been down this road

Theme of Life

Walking the line
That's painted by pride

And I have made mistakes in my life

That I just can 't hide

Oh, I believe I am ready

For what love has to bring

I got myself together

Now I'm ready to sing

I've been searching my soul tonight

I know there's so much more to life

Now I know I can shine a light



To find my way back home

Oh, baby, yeah

Oh, yeah

- I am so sore.
- I feel good.

- You would.
- Sorry?

- Ally?
- What? Damn it!

That hurt me.

Sorry, John. I'm scared
about this trial coming up.

Renee said boxing helps.
I've been doing it.

It doesn't help! I feel like
kicking people, which is wrong!

And instead of kicking I just stomp!

- How weird is that?
- Ally?

Yeah.

My therapist. Go to her.

This is the woman that you...

...go for smile therapy?
- Yes.

- I won't be disparaged.
- I didn't.

You took a moment.

I'm gonna give boxing a chance.
Plus, this woman...

She gets results.

Excuse me?
What is this Curray depo?

- I had Richard reassign it.
- You fobbed it off on me?

No, I didn't. Richard said...

- I got it!
- What is it?

The Curray case, I don't want it.

- I'm in trial.
- Just meet with her.

I'm not taking on another case.

- I'm overloaded.
- I'm senior partner here.

[YELLING]

You're not the only one...

Fight, fight. Bicker, bicker.

GREG:
Ally?

Oh, my God! Are you all right?

Yeah. Yeah.

You asked me to come here.
To go over my testimony?

Oh, yeah. I just...

I just wanted to go over...

Oh, God.

I think I have a hematoma.

Let me see.

Just a little charley horse.
Put some ice on it. Keep rubbing it.

Ah!

The plaintiff is testifying today.
I don't plan on crossing her tough.

I don't want to be beating up on her.

Okay.

Oh, John.
Just going over my strategy.

Ah! Yes.

I know someone who says it's
good luck to rub his client's butt.

I hurt myself, John.
This wasn't for luck.

Richard! Richard! Richard!

I am having a philosophical problem
with the way we do our business.

I'm glad you told me.
I appreciate your honesty.

Might I tell you the problem?

- Oh, okay.
- We take cases with no legal merit.

Eva Curray has no cause of action.

Of course she does.

She's gotten good treatment
from her boss. Sexual harassment?

It is not our place to play judge.
We don't decide merits.

We're fighters to fight
the client's fight.

We don't decide right or wrong,
or who shall win.

I'm offended by the notion
that the boundaries of the law...

[PHONE RINGS]

Excuse me.

RICHARD OVER TAPE RECORDER:
- Is our limitation.

I am offended by the notion
that we'd deny blazing new trails.

Where would civil rights
be without our willingness...

... to take the law
into uncharted territory?

The just lawyer doesn 't
look at the law. He...

- Iooks at unfairness and says,
"Not..." Okay. Billy?

You feel overwhelmed.

I've never gone diving.
You said kickboxing would help.

- Maybe if you took one in the head.
- What? No, it's just...

This is a case with a real client.
I am representing a doctor.

I'm afraid
to be exposed as a fraud.

Like I'm not a real attorney.
I think I'm losing my mind.

- I can't lose my mind now.
- I agree.

A needle in a haystack.

- What?
- Nothing.

You've insulted me
twice in 20 seconds.

We ready?

Well, I'll catch you later.
Good luck.

- Harold Lane represents them.
- Yeah, why?

A former D.A., very good.

- May I make a suggestion?
- What?

Limit the hand movement.
It's distracting.

That's not a criticism.
Just an advisory.

- What do I do with my hands?
- You swish them.

I swish them?

As you argue, they swish.

Often in unison, sometimes
in alternating patterns.

There's anecdotal evidence
that it could trigger seizure.

There's nothing
to substantiate that.

Don't you think what I do
with my hands is unconscious?

- Yes.
- I'm in a trial...

...that I may be overmatched
and you tell me to watch the hands.

How effective am I going to be...

...when I'm concentrating
on the hand swish?

How focused will I be
if I worry about a seizure?

If you stare any longer,
I'll chop your kneecap!

I am a trained kickboxer!

No!

- It was an emergency, Mrs. Goldstein.
- But you don't do that!

They stuck part of a big hog in me!

LANE: Your own liver was failing
without a transplant.

You don't open somebody up and stick
part of a hog liver inside her.

- How do you feel, Mrs. Goldstein?
- I'm still a little traumatized.

I keep thinking of them
cutting into that big, fat hog.

Taking out that big, fat hog liver
and sticking it in me.

ALLY:
After two days you had...

...a human liver transplant
to replace the big, fat hog liver.

- Right?
GOLDSTEIN: Yes.

Do you think it's possible that
Dr. Butters did what he had to do...

...under extreme pressure,
exigent circumstances...

...to prevent you from dying?
Is that possible?

He could've used a machine.

He could've asked me when I woke up.
Doctors today...

...treat you like you're just a
piece of meat. I'm nobody's meat!

Big, fat hog.

It didn't go great.
But it went well.

I wasn't authorized.
That's what we have to handle.

We'll be able to.
If we show that you saved her...

...no jury is gonna come back, and...

[WHEELS SCRAPING]

- Ally?
- Huh.

What's the matter?

What? Nothing.

- Nothing. What were you saying?
- You were talking.

Right. The fact that you saved her
life counts more than anything else.

What is it?

Nothing, I was just thinking
about my baby... My cross!

My cross-examination.

Okay.

- Well, here's my car.
- Okay.

Will you let me drive you home?

Um, I live about three blocks away.

I enjoy the walk.

- Can I walk you then?
- I'm fine.

Okay, well...

- See you in court.
- Yep. Tomorrow.

You okay?

Yeah. Yeah, that's why I like
to practice my walking.

Good night.

ALLY:
Why do I have to always fall down?

I went out with Janet Reno.
He'll sic Kenneth Starr on you...

...for obstruction of dating.

What're you thinking? By the time he's
through, he'll subpoena everybody.

- I saw you!
- Not your business.

Everything is my business
when it comes to relationships!

- Go have your own.
- I would if l...

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- It's the shoes.

Stupid fashion people make us
wear these things.

Oh, my God!
John, are you okay?

Are you all right?

- Oh, all right! Richard!
- Bygones.

- Richard!
BILLY: What's with you?

It's the shoes.
Can I talk to you...

...two in private?

- Positive?
ALLY: Yes.

Richard and Janet Reno.
They both did the love giggle.

- What's the love giggle?
- The love giggle.

You know. And they
were going into some apartment.

- Do I tell Whipper?
- What?

Don't we owe her something?

- Don't you...?
- By not telling...

On the off-chance
the messenger gets shot...

...you cannot tell her.
Give Richard the chance.

- Ally?
- What?

We're late.
And please stop snapping at me!

A pig liver transplant
is experimental.

Was the doctor appropriate
in performing it?

It was not authorized.

But if he had waited to convene
a committee, she could have died.

That is possible.

As Brigham's president
you're glad he did that operation.

- I am.
ALLY: You point out...

...there was no authorization
to insulate yourself from liability.

Of course.

So, I'm up next.

Just tell the truth. Be yourself.

- You're a terrific lawyer, Ally.
- Thank you.

Should we have lunch?

No, I actually do my exercise
thing during lunch.

Maybe someday you'll say yes
to lunch or a ride home.

For now, we should focus on the trial.

My mother told me
If I was a goodie

That she would buy me a rubber dolly

Three, six, nine
The goose drank the wine

The monkey chewed tobacco
On the streetcar line

The line broke
And the monkey got choked

But they all went to heaven
On a little rowboat

TEACHER:
Excellent work, ladies.

Don't forget your gear tomorrow.

- We were good.
- We were!

Yeah. Even me.

Just knowing that mental health
is around the corner, I feel relaxed.

If you go to a therapist,
pick a real one.

John told me that she would help me.
I trust him.

- So, you guys ready for a match?
- A match?

Tomorrow is intermediate match day.
You're advanced, I'll hook you up.

Ally, Georgia, you guys
can fight each other.

- Oh.
- Well...

I guess. Ally?

- Sure.
TEACHER: Great.

- A directed verdict?
- You can't talk to me about the case.

If the trial were over soon...

...and we didn't have to defend,
we could take off early.

- Richard!
- It's rhetorical. Bygones. Lunch.

What? I didn't do it, whatever it is.

- Give me your hand.
- Why?

Give me your hand.

The other one.

- Give me.
- Okay.

What? What's the matter?

I have a nose for two things.
The truth, and perfume.

- Your finger smells like Janet Reno.
- What?

I remember what she was wearing.
She's in town!

This finger has been on her wattle!

You've fingered
the Attorney General's wattle!

I saw her, I went to wave hello.
You know, I might have nicked it.

- Get out.
- Whipper...

Get out, Richard.

It's happening more and more.
He jumps out at me.

WOMAN: From where?
- Anywhere.

Usually I hear him first.

- "Ooga chucka."
- Yeah. "Ooga chucka."

Last week he threw a spear.
Now he's playing hockey.

Seems like you're nuts.

A therapist shouldn't
call her patients nuts.

You got a see-through baby
"ooga chucking" spears.

You're doing this Lloyd Bridges thing.

You're a cracker.
But I'm gonna fix you. Stand, please.

Raise your right knee
as high up as you can.

Come on. As high up as you can.

Good. Now I want you to touch
your nose with your left index finger.

Good. Whistle, if you can.

Louder.

- What therapy is this?
- This isn't therapy.

I need to know you trust me.
If you do that, you must. Sit.

Now, tell me more
about this Billy guy.

- It's your own fault.
- It is.

- What if Kenneth Starr knows?
- Elaine.

- Dumped you again?
- One finger strays, out I go.

Georgia, Elaine, what lie works here?

Lying got you into this.
Try the truth.

- Seriously. Elaine?
- I know what'd work with me, but I'm...

- A slut.
- Exactly.

You're trying to get caught.
You want her to show you the door.

Whipper's right for me.

Some guys run from
the woman they love.

They're afraid of losing control.

I read that.

- She'd gone into a coma.
- That serious?

She was in severe liver failure.
I thought we we'd lose her.

- What did you do?
- She needed a liver we didn't have.

So I instructed them to get me a pig.

- A pig liver is compatible with her?
- It's close enough.

- Oh, I object to that.
WHIPPER: Miss Goldstein.

He just compared me to a giant hog!

He's talking about liver
compatibility. Please sit.

Dr. Butters, what about
this bio-artificial liver?

It wouldn't have worked.

We needed desperate measures.
Otherwise, she would have died.

Other doctors thought the machine
could've worked, right?

- There's always differing opinions.
- Yes.

- And your opinion was, get the pig.
- Yes.

You've wanted to do
a pig transplant, haven't you?

I perform the transplant
as indicated.

Yes, let's accept that.
But true or false:

You got a grant to study
these transplants.

- True.
- Lf you didn't do...

...this transplant by 1997,
you'd lose the grant.

- I take offense to that.
- Fine.

You'd lose the funding if you
didn't do this transplant...

...by 1997. True or false?

- True, but...
- Thank you, Dr. Butters. Thank you.

- Why didn't you object?
- It would've seemed protective.

I'm no Dr. Frankenstein!

You should've told me
about that little grant thing.

It had nothing to do with that!

It comes down to how things look.
It looked bad.

What are you saying?

I'm evaluating our case.
I didn't like what I heard.

I don't blame you.
Having the pig handy is suspicious.

I just can't believe
that a doctor...

...would perform an operation
just to advance his career.

[CANNED LAUGHTER]

Hey!

When a patient is so naive,
my own laughter isn't enough.

A therapist laughing at her patients?

I don't laugh at all of them. Now...

You've got problems. Before
deep-tissue, I'll work on the surface.

- Meaning what?
- Billy. One:

Forget him!
You may think he's the one guy...

But he's not.

Maybe, but you can't have him.
Second: Georgia. You're friends.

It's so healthy I could puke.
But a part of you wishes her harm.

This kickboxing. It's perfect!

- You get to knock her down.
- Oh, come on.

Don't hurt her, but it would make
you feel better to smack her a bit.

Is that the adult thing? No.

So? She's a beautiful woman, married
to the man you love. Smack her!

- We don't deny human nature here.
- Anything else?

- You need a theme song.
- I need a what?

A song that you play in your head
to make you feel better.

Am I on a hidden camera show?

- It's vital.
- Do you have one?

Since I was 10. It works!

- What is it?
- "Tracy." My name.

- "Tracy"?
- By the Cuff Links.

Every time I feel down,
I hear it in my head.

Bah-bah, bah-bah-bah-bah

You sing this in your head?

Tracy, when I'm with you
Something you do

Bounces me off the ceiling
Tracy...

Well, I'm in the middle of a trial.
I'm at the end of my rope.

I'm gonna go get some sleep.

If you want me to help you,
listen to me.

Come back in tomorrow
with a theme song, okay?

Okay, I'll try.

Tracy, never let go

I love you so

I'll build a world around you
Filled with love everywhere

I love you so

- You're gonna fight?
- It's a boxing match, not a fight.

Can you jump on her head?

There's not even
that much real contact.

It's silly. You're lawyers.

Most of the people in class
are professionals.

- Who do you want to win?
- Don't you have work?

Yes, but this is what I do best.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

John loaned it to me.

Are you ready for the big match?

Oh! Oh!

There's not even that much contact.
Right?

It's more of a thigh-burner thing.

- It's just for fun.
- Yeah.

Hey! Hey, Greg.
Listen, opposing counsel called.

They'll settle for 125.

- Settle?
- It'll be covered by your policy.

- We should think about it.
- Giving her money?

The jury could think
you had political motives.

I didn't! I won't settle.
I saved that woman's life.

Okay.

Um...

John is doing the closing.

He has this take and l...
Now what?

You don't believe me.
Can't invest enough?

- No.
- Then what is it?

I have a kickboxing match.

- I'm trying to pick a theme song.
- What?

I'm not the most
focused person right now.

You don't want to know.
John Cage is the best.

He should do the closing.

Ally, what I did
in that operating room...

...was not to advance my career.

I believe you.

That's why I want John to get us home.

Here and over there and there.

Well, this particular room
has great history.

Judge Cone!
I'm with the Attorney General.

- This is...
- We've met.

- Could I speak to you?
- Well, sure.

- You spent time with Richard Fish.
- Oh, yes. A delightful man.

He's my delightful man.
Or at least he was.

I'm not a big fan of the
"reach out and touch" policy.

Pardon me?

I'm a big girl.
Don't play the wallflower.

Any woman who lets a strange man
finger her wattle has a problem.

If Richard Fish came on to me,
which he didn't...

...it may be because he prefers
a woman of more character.

A woman who would gather facts
before forming conclusions.

- Is that right?
- Yes.

Maybe he prefers a woman whose
hair is more natural than NutraSweet.

- What did you say?
- There'll be an investigation.

ALLY:
And I think that I was upset.

Not as a lawyer gets upset with
a client, but as a woman who...

...gets upset with a man because she
has certain hopes that maybe...

And the thing is,
is that I do believe him.

He felt that he did what he
had to do to save her.

He doesn't believe I believe him.
And that is bad.

Fine. Theme song?

I was talking about a case
and my personal life.

We're not ready for that. Song?

- Well...
- Let's hear it.

It's not really a theme song.
It's just something I sing to...

Let's hear it. Tick-tock.

All right.
Just don't judge my voice.

No.

Um...

I believe I am ready

For what love has to bring

I got myself together

Now I'm ready to sing

Stop, stop! Bad song. Stinks.

- It doesn't!
- I'd sooner dance to the scale.

A theme song has to give you
a lift walking down the street.

It has to be something peppy,
with bounce.

Bah-bah, bah-bah-bah-bah

Please, no, no, no.
Not that song again.

Okay, what else you got?
What other song do you hear sometimes?

[VONDA SINGS "TELL HIM"]

Well, there is this one song.
"Tell Him."

I know that song.

I know something about love

Yeah! But I hear it slow.

It's no good slow.
Start hearing it faster.

That is a great song! You're gonna
feel better or your money back.

- Really?
- Yeah, yeah.

Keep hearing that song.
This is progress.

There is hope.

- I thought nobody gets hurt.
- With me, somebody always gets hurt.

The artistic expression
of the move is important.

Block, bob and weave.

- You guys ready?
- Okay.

Let's fight.

It's like a dream.

[CROWD CHEERS]

Oh!

I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay.

When she misses,
it's a perfect opportunity.

- Get in there and counter!
- Okay.

Been practicing.

Somebody just hit somebody.

Oh, my God!

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

- That was a roundhouse.
- I've never done one before.

TEACHER:
Doing great.

Oopsie. You okay?

Yeah, just surprised me.

- I don't like this.
- It's terrible.

Oh, God! Are you okay?

[BELL RINGS]

All right, I think
that's all for today.

TEACHER:
Time is up. Match is over.

Sorry. Sorry.

I got carried away.
You're not hurt, are you?

[STRAUSS'
"THE BLUE DANUBE WALTZ" PLAYS]

This was a bad idea.

[BUZZING]

"Nobody gets hurt, just an exercise."
My ribs are sore, I'll tell you.

You got carried away.

- You knocked your opponent out.
- Yes, but I only threw one punch.

So, was Dr. Tracy right?
Did it feel good to smack Georgia?

Hmm...

A little. Is that bad?

Awful.

I have to get to court.

It wasn't sexual. She thinks
she kept getting soot on her neck.

It was sexual to you. That matters.

I understand, but...

I'm not gonna defend myself.
It was wrong. But...

I'll achieve certain successes.

But greatness? I'm upper-ordinary.
Not extraordinary, never will be.

Sitting across from Janet Reno,
talking law, government...

I just wanted to reach out
with my finger and touch greatness.

Are you serious?

It makes me weak.
It makes me insecure.

I know this. But when I'm old...

...I'll be able to tell my
grandchildren I touched greatness.

The Attorney General of the U.S.,
I touched her wattle.

It's not that you're sick,
just that you're sick.

And by the time you get well,
I could be dead.

No, Whipper, look. I mean,
just listen to me. Listen to...

Go to it.

Oh, yeah. Yes.

What? What?

- Did you enjoy that?
- Yeah.

Then remember it.
Because that was the last time.

Excuse me?

Goodbye, Richard.

Goodbye.

ALLY: I hope the jury doesn 't think
it's strange I'm not closing.

VONDA SINGS:
I know something about love

You've gotta want...

[MUSIC STOPS]

If you want him to be
The very part of you

That makes you want to breathe

Here's the thing to do, tell him
That you're never gonna leave him

Tell him that
You're always gonna love him

Tell him, tell him, tell him
Tell him right now

I know something about love

You've gotta show it and

Make him see the moon up above
Go out and get him

If you want it
Make your heart sing out

If you want him to only think of you

Tell him that
You're never gonna leave him

Tell him that
You're always gonna love him

Tell him, tell him, tell him
Tell him right now

Ever since the world began
It's been that way for man and woman

Were created
Meant for love

We're not denying...

...the possibility that Dr. Butters
saved Hanna Goldstein's life.

But she could've been saved
by other means.

It was easy for Dr. Butters
to contact any number...

...of relatives, or her husband...

...who are authorized to give
consent to the transplant.

He didn't do that.
The reason he didn't do that...

[PIG SCREECHES]

I apologize.

I was considering whether
to use the pig call.

I tested it.
I meant to do so quietly.

I mis-blew. I apologize.

The reason Dr. Butters
didn't call relatives is...

...they might say no.

He desperately needed
to do this liver transplant.

Thousands of research dollars,
not to mention a certain renown.

It all came with taking the liver
of that big, fat, giant hog...

...and sticking it
into Hanna Goldstein.

Never mind her dignity,
or if she wanted it done.

Where's the dignity
in medicine itself?

I guess mechanical methods
could've been used...

...instead of the enormous
farm animal.

But Dr. Butters
was in the ER that day.

He didn't have the luxury
of hindsight, he had to call it.

He decided fast.
Her life was on the line.

And he saved that life, didn't he?

And when she woke up,
she didn't say thank you.

She didn't say,
"It's good to be alive."

She called her lawyer.
It troubles me.

I think of Dr. Butters...

...and the unfairness
of being subjected...

...to this despicable lawsuit.

But I also think of Michael.
He had a name, that hog.

It was Michael. She never
bothered with the name...

...of this creature
who gave his life for her.

She calls him "big, fat hog."
"Giant pig."

He gave his life.
He gave Miss Goldstein life.

Big, fat hog.

Never mind the ingratitude
she's shown Dr. Butters.

Think about the one
who died so she might live.

- Let us all say his name, please.
- Michael.

Yes.

This jury pleases me.

It's over.
This time I can feel it.

I'm not gonna lecture
a man who's down.

Yeah.

But you can't behave
like that in a relationship.

I know.
Maybe I should just wear mittens.

[DOOR OPENS]

- We'll talk later, okay?
- Oh, sure.

Richard, you and I have
had our differences.

But despite them,
if you need a friend...

...I'm here for you, physically.

This isn't a time
to make rash decisions...

...which men sometimes
do when sexually frustrated.

I'm here to help you stay
clearheaded, should you need me.

- Hey, Ally.
- Georgia, hi.

- Good fight last night.
- You too.

Thanks.

Oh!

- You don't hurt at all?
- I try not to show it.

Look, no hard feelings.

- I'm okay. You okay?
- I'm fine.

[DOOR OPENS]

Ally, jury's back.

- Fine fight, Georgia.
- Thanks.

Well...

I gotta go to the clerk's office.
Want to grab a beer after?

Sure. Sounds great.

- Okay. Good luck.
- Thanks.

Oh!

Thank you.

Have you reached your wattle?

Verdict. Verdict.

- We have.
- What say you?

In the matter of Goldstein
versus Butters...

...on the count of negligent
infliction of emotional distress...

...we find in favor of the defendant.

Jury members,
thank you for your service.

Thank you. Thank you.

- It was the right verdict.
- It was.

Uh, hmm...

- I'm sorry if you think I doubted you.
- No, I didn't think that.

- Well...
- Well...

- Maybe dinner sometime?
- Sure.

- All right, I'll call.
- Okay.

Thank you.

OLD LADY: You stinker!

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