'Allo 'Allo (1982–1992): Season 5, Episode 20 - Mines Away! - full transcript

( theme music playing )

IF YOU HAVE NOT BEEN
FOLLOWING EVENTS VERY CLOSELY,

YOU MIGHT THINK
THAT THESE ARTICLES

THAT I AM PACKING
INTO WINE CRATES,

ARE CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS.

IF THEY WERE, I WOULD NOT
BE HANDLING THEM SO GINGERLY

AT HALF PAST 1:00
IN THE MORNING.

THESE THINGS ARE,
IN FACT,

MANUFACTURED
FROM HIGH EXPLOSIVES,

TAKEN FROM
TWO GERMAN LAND MINES.

BEFORE LONG, NO DOUBT,
THE MEMBERS OF THE RESISTANCE



WILL BE STANDING
ON RAILWAY BRIDGES,

LIGHTING THESE PRICKLY FUSES,

AND THROWING THE WHOLE THING
DOWN THE FUNNEL

OF SOME PASSING,
FAST MOVING, EXPRESS TRAIN,

WHICH EXPLAINS
WHY OUR RAILWAYS

ARE NOT RUNNING TO TIME
THESE DAYS.

THE TWO LAND MINES
THAT I MENTIONED,

ARE NOW EMPTY OF DYNAMITE,

AND WILL SHORTLY BE FILLED
WITH TWO BRITISH AIRMEN,

WHO ARE HIDING NEARBY.

CAN YOU GUESS WHERE?

- HELLO.
- HELLO.

Yvette:
RENE, RENE.

THAT IS YVETTE,
ONE OF MY WAITRESSES.



NATURALLY, SHE CANNOT
KEEP HER HANDS OFF ME,

ALTHOUGH I DO NOT
ENCOURAGE HER.

I AM DOWN HERE, MY SWEET.

OH, RENE,
I COULD NOT SLEEP.

I WAS HAVING A NIBBLE
IN THE LARDER,

AMONGST THE KNOCKWURST
SAUSAGES

AND SUDDENLY,
I THOUGHT OF YOU.

YVETTE, YOU MUST NOT

LET YOUR MIND DWELL ON ME.

AFTER ALL, I AM NEARLY
20 YEARS OLDER THAN YOU ARE.

WHEN I AM 90,
YOU WILL STILL ONLY BE 70.

I WILL STILL FEEL THE SAME.

NOT TO ME, YOU WON'T.

OH, RENE, HOLD ME
FOR ONE BRIEF MOMENT.

CRUSH YOUR NIGHTGOWN
TO MY NIGHTGOWN.

WHEN YOU PUT IT LIKE THAT,
I CANNOT SAY NO.

OH, RRR-RENE.

I CAN FEEL
THE BOLD EMBROIDERY

OF YOUR NIGHTGOWN

IMPRESSING ITSELF
UPON MY BOSOM.

OH, YVETTE,

HAVE YOU ANY IDEA
OF THE EXCITEMENT

THAT STIRS WITHIN ME
WHEN I CRUSH

YOUR STARCHED LINEN
NIGHTDRESS IN MY HAND?

YES, I HAVE.

MY GOD, YOU HAVE
LIT THE FUSE.

HOW LONG I HAVE WAITED
TO HEAR THOSE WORDS

FROM YOUR SENSUOUS LIPS.

Edith:
RENE?

RENE--

RENE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WE VERY NEARLY HAD
A BIG BANG IN THE CELLAR.

IT IS NOW ONE HOUR
SINCE THE BELL

FELL UPON VON SMALLHAUSEN.

I WOULD HAVE EXPECTED SOME
WHIMPERING NOISE FROM HIM.

THERE IS NOT MUCH ROOM

FOR AIR TO BE ADMITTED
THROUGH THIS SMALL CRACK,

PERHAPS HE HAS SUFFOCATED.

I SEE HIS HAND PROTRUDING.

TREAD ON IT.

AARGHH!

HE'S ALIVE.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT,

HERR VON SMALLHAUSEN?

BONG ONCE FOR YES,

AND TWICE FOR NO.

( one bong )

DO YOU WISH

TO HAVE A HAM SANDWICH?

( one bong )

WITH MUSTARD?

( two bongs )

HOLD THE MUSTARD.

HERR FLICK,
THE SANDWICH IS TOO THICK

TO GO THROUGH
THE CRACK.

THEN REMOVE THE HAM.

HE HAS TAKEN IT.

THE LASHINGS
ARE IN PLACE.

ASSIST ME
WITH THE PULLING.

HERR FLICK,

DID YOU SEE ANYTHING

WHEN YOU WERE SUSPENDED
BY THE CLAPPERS?

DESPITE THE FACT

THAT MY EYES
WERE WATERING

DUE TO THE DRAFT BLOWING
THROUGH THE OPEN APERTURE,

I SAW SOMETHING
SUSPICIOUS

IN THE BUILDER'S YARD
NEXT TO THE CAFE.

WE WILL INVESTIGATE

WHEN WE HAVE RELEASED
VON SMALLHAUSEN.

HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

I HAVE A VERY SORE HEAD.

THAT IS THE LEAST
OF YOUR PROBLEMS.

YOU HAVE BEEN
SQUASHED WELL BELOW

THE MINIMUM HEIGHT
REQUIRED

FOR MEMBERS
OF THE GESTAPO.

LET ME HAVE
YOUR RESIGNATION IN THE MORNING.

GOOD MORNING, COLONEL.

GRUBER, HOW MANY TIMES
DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU

TO KNOCK GENTLY
BEFORE YOU ENTER?

YOU PUT ME OFF MY SHOT.

SORRY, COLONEL.

NOW, HAVE YOU FOUND
THE LAND MINES?

I HAVE DRIVEN
ABSOLUTELY EVERYWHERE IN MY LITTLE TANK.

THERE IS NOT
A WHISPER OF THEM.

THE GENERAL IS NOT
GOING TO LIKE THIS.

YOU DO NOT SEEM
VERY CONCERNED, COLONEL.

WHY SHOULD I?

I TOLD HIM I DELEGATED
THE TASK TO YOU,

AND YOU HAVE FAILED!

COLONEL, I HAVE
MOST IMPORTANT NEWS.

IN COMPLIANCE
WITH YOUR ORDERS,

I HAVE BEEN SPYING
ON HERR FLICK.

AS A RESULT,
I CAN TELL YOU HE BELIEVES

HE KNOWS THE WHEREABOUTS
OF THE MISSING LAND MINES.

WELL DONE, HELGA.
WHERE ARE THEY?

IN THE BUILDERS' YARD
ADJACENT TO RENE'S CAFE.

GOOD. I WILL CONVEY THIS
TO THE GENERAL.

NO, I WILL CONVEY
THIS TO THE GENERAL.

BUT YOU DELEGATED ME
TO FIND THE LAND MINES.

I CONVEY
THE GOOD NEWS.

JUNIOR OFFICERS
CONVEY THE BAD NEWS.

( door opens )

MIMI, HAVE YOU
NOT FINISHED WRITING THOSE MENUS OUT YET?

IT TAKES
A LONG TIME, RENE.

I'M USING MY VERY BEST
JOINED-UP HANDWRITING,

AND EVERY TIME
I LOOK UP AND SEE YOU,

I GO ALL WOBBLY.

IT IS ONLY
TO BE EXPECTED.

IF I DID NOT
CONTROL MY CHARISMA,

THERE WOULD BE NO WORK
DONE ROUND HERE AT ALL.

YOU DO NOT HAVE
FOUR F's IN STROGANOFF.

MIMI, GO AT ONCE
INTO THE KITCHEN.

PEEL THE POTATOES,
SCRUB THE FLOOR,

AND WASH UP
ALL THOSE DIRTY PANS.

WHAT ABOUT MY HANDS?

WASH THOSE, AS WELL.

UH, WH-- WHAT IS
THE MATTER, EDITH?

I WANTED TO SEE
YOU ALONE, RENE.

OH, WHAT HAVE I DONE NOW?

YOU HAVE DONE
NOTHING, RENE.

YOU HAVE JUST
BEEN YOUR BRAVE,

LONG-SUFFERING SELF,

AND I HAVE NOT
BEEN WORTHY OF YOU.

I BEHAVE LIKE A JEALOUS
YOUNG GIRL

EVERY TIME I SEE
ANOTHER WOMAN COME NEAR YOU.

YET ALL THE WHILE,
I KNOW THAT YOU ARE FAITHFUL

AND HAVE EYES ONLY FOR ME.

AND TO THINK, LAST NIGHT,

YOU WERE RISKING YOUR LIFE

BEING BLOWN UP BY AN EXPLODING
CHRISTMAS PUDDING.

AND THE ONLY THOUGHT THAT WAS
RUNNING THROUGH MY MIND--

INSTEAD OF ADMIRING
YOUR BRAVERY-- WAS,

"IS HE KNOCKING UP
THAT BARMAID?"

OH, EDITH,

WHAT A TREASURE
I HAVE IN YOU.

I LOOK AT
YOUR BEAUTIFUL YOUNG FACE,

HIDDEN BY ALL THOSE
CAREWORN LINES,

MY HEART
MISSES A BEAT.

OH, RENE,
DO YOU STILL FEEL

THE SAME SURGE
OF EXCITEMENT

AS YOU DID
ON THE FIRST NIGHT OF OUR HONEYMOON?

YOU MEAN WHEN
THE HOTEL CAUGHT FIRE?

YOU WERE WONDERFUL.

YOU CARRIED ME,
UNCONSCIOUS,

TO SAFETY IN YOUR ARMS.

I COULD NOT GET
YOUR WEDDING RING OFF.

ALWAYS THE JOKER,

ALWAYS TRYING TO HIDE
YOUR TRUE FEELINGS.

IT IS NOT EASY,
EDITH.

OH, GO AWAY,
WE ARE NOT YET OPEN.

WE MUST LET HER IN.

IT MAY BE VITALLY IMPORTANT.

THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT,
WE ARE LISTENING

VERY CAREFULLY,
SO GET ON WITH IT.

THE LAND MINES
WILL BE TRANSPORTED

TO THE WAREHOUSE TONIGHT.

MAKE SURE THE AIRMEN
ARE INSIDE BY 1800 HOURS.

I CANNOT WAIT
TO GET RID OF THEM.

OH, AND I NEED
TWO CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS,

TO DROP DOWN THE FUNNEL
OF THE 12:30 EXPRESS.

WHAT DID I TELL YOU?

AS I THOUGHT,
THE MISSING LAND MINES.

SOMEBODY HAS TAMPERED
WITH IT, HERR FLICK.

LOOK INSIDE. FOR ONCE,
VON SMALLHAUSEN,

I BELIEVE
YOU MAY BE RIGHT.

THE EXPLOSIVE SUBSTANCE

HAS BEEN REMOVED.

IN ITS PLACE,

I SEE A PARACHUTE.

WHAT IS YOUR CONCLUSION?

SOMEBODY HAS PUT IT THERE,
HERR FLICK.

WE WILL OCCUPY THESE
EMPTY LAND MINES.

IT IS MY OPINION THAT
UNDER COVER OF THE DARKNESS,

THE RESISTANCE
WILL TRANSPORT THEM

TO THEIR SECRET
HEADQUARTERS.

AS SOON AS WE HEAR

SOMEBODY SPEAKING
IN THE FRENCH TONGUE,

WE WILL LEAP OUT,
SUBDUE THEM, ARREST THEM,

AND MARCH THEM
TO GESTAPO HOUSE.

WE ARE VERY BRAVE,
ARE WE NOT, HERR FLICK?

WE ARE MAD AS HATTERS.

BUT THAT IS
THE GESTAPO FOR YOU.

INTO ACTION.

C'MON, GO, GO!

GET A MOVE, YOU!

SHUT UP, YOU NO GOOD
FOR NOTHING.

YOU WANNA
INVADE THE ENGLAND?

All:
Sí, Sí.

IF CAESAR CAN DO IT,

WE CAN DO IT.

THAT'S GOOD.

NOW, TO INVADE ENGLAND,
YOU MUST BE FIT.

I MAKE YOU FIT,

WITH THE MUSCLES
LIKE THE IRON.

BEND THE KNEES.

BEND THE KNEES!

DOWN, DOWN, DOWN.

( men groan )

KNEES STRAIGHT.

( groaning )

BEND THE KNEES.

KNEES STRAIGHT.

KNEES BEND,

KNEES STRAIGHT.

KNEES-- HEY!

WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH THESE MEN?

GET ON YOUR FEET.

NOW YOU MAKE
THE ARMS AND THE LEGS

JUMP THE STRIDE.

LIKE THIS.

HUPA, HUPA, HUPA.

NOW IS YOUR TURN.

ARMS AND LEGS STRIDE.

BEGIN. HUPA, HUPA.

ABSOLUTE SHOWER.

IGNORE THEM.

THE MISSING LAND MINES.

WELL DONE, HELGA.

NOW THAT WE HAVE
FOUND THEM,

WHAT ARE WE GOING
TO DO WITH THEM?

WE MUST DELIVER THEM
TO THE AIR BASE.

WHAT IF THEY
ARE BOOBY-TRAPPED?

A GOOD POINT, HELGA.

YOU ARE WORKING WELL TODAY.

WHY DO WE NOT ORDER

CAPTAIN ALBERTO
AND HIS MEN

TO CARRY OUT
THE REMOVAL OPERATION?

A GOOD IDEA, GRUBER.

THEN, IF THEY BLOW UP,

IT WILL GET THAT DREADFUL
ITALIAN OFF OUR BACKS.

I'M WORKING
VERY WELL TOO.

BREATHE OUT,

BREATHE IN.

CAPTAIN ALBERTO,

WE HAVE A LITTLE JOB
FOR YOU.

ME, MY MEN,
WE IN GREAT CONDITION. WE READY FOR ANYTHING.

CAPITANO, THE MEN
ALL BREATHE IN,

WHEN THEY BREATHE OUT?

YOU NO MUCK ABOUT.

WE GOT THE JOB TO DO.

MAKE THE LISTENING GOOD.
OKAY, COLONEL,

TELL THE BOYS.

GRUBER,
YOU TELL THEM.

MY NAME IS
LIEUTENANT GRUBER.

HEY,
NICE BOOTS, EH?

HE'S A PRETTY BOY.

I WANT
THAT MAN'S NAME.

I BET YOU DO.

GET ON WITH IT,
GRUBER.

WE HAVE FOUND
THE MISSING LAND MINES.

WE WANT YOU

TO PUT THEM
ON YOUR TRUCK,

AND TAKE THEM

TO THE GERMAN
AIR FORCE BASE.

IS A PIECE
OF CAKE, NO?

- NO PROBLEM.
- WHERE THEY SITTING?

WALK THIS WAY.

THERE THEY ARE.

OH, NICE LAND MINES,
EH, BOYS?

NOW REMEMBER,

THEY ARE FULL
OF HIGH EXPLOSIVES.

ONE CLUMSY MOVE

AND THEY WILL
GO OFF-- BANG!

Soldier:
OH, HECK.

HEY, COME BACK,
YOU YELLOW SCUMBAGS.

EDITH,

AWWW!

WILL NO ONE HEAR THE CRIES

OF A STARVING OLD WOMAN?

EDITH!

IT IS ALL RIGHT, MAMMA.

I HAVE BROUGHT FOR YOU,
YOUR LUNCH.

GOOD. WHAT IS IT?

PRUNE AND ONION SOUP.

OH.

PRUNE AND ONION SOUP?

WHAT IS TO FOLLOW?

DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.

WHY CAN I NOT HAVE

SOME GOOD RED MEAT?

YVETTE GAVE IT
TO THE BRITISH AIRMEN.

BRITISH AIRMEN.

( spits )

MAMMA,

WHAT IS THE MATTER?

WHAT HAVE THE BRITISH

EVER DONE FOR US, EH?

LOOK AT AGINCOURT.

TRUE.

AND WHAT DID THEY DO

TO NAPOLEON?!

VERY TRUE.

AND WHAT ABOUT

SIR PERCY BLAKENEY?

WHO?

OH, EDITH.

THE SCARLET PIMPERNEL.

JUST AS WE,

THE WORKERS,
HAD OUR HANDS

ON THE CURSED ARISTOCRATS,

HE CAME AND RESCUED THEM.

MAMMA,

I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU
VOTED CONSERVATIVE?

LOOK AT DUNKIRK.

WHO JUMPED
INTO THE BOATS FIRST?

THE BRITISH.

NEVER MIND, MAMMA.

THE AIRMEN WILL
BE GONE BY TONIGHT.

- AIRMEN.
- ( spits )

GOOD, YOU ARE BOTH HERE.

WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

HOW UNUSUAL.

THE GERMANS HAVE
DISCOVERED THE WHEREABOUTS

OF THE LAND MINES
AND THEY HAVE TAKEN THEM

BACK TO THE AIR FORCE BASE.

LOOK, MICHELLE,
I AM NOT KEEPING

THESE BRITISH AIRMEN HERE
ONE MOMENT LONGER.

THEY ARE IN THE CELLAR,
PACKED IN BARRELS,

NEXT TO THE CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS
AND THEY MUST GO TONIGHT.

DO NOT WORRY.
ALL IS NOT LOST.

WE HAVE AN AGENT
AT THE BASE.

WE KNOW PRECISELY

THE POSITION
OF THE LAND MINES.

THEY ARE IN
THE LAND MINE STORE.

THE TWO BARRELS
CONTAINING THE AIRMEN

WILL BE TRANSPORTED
TO THE AIRPORT BASE.

THEY WILL BE
ALLOWED IN

AS A CONSIGNMENT
OF BEER

FOR THE SERGEANTS'
MESS,

WHICH IS BEING SENT
WITH YOUR COMPLIMENTS.

ONCE PAST THE GUARDS,

IT WILL BE
A SIMPLE MATTER

TO GET THEM INTO
THE LAND MINE STORE,

BECAUSE IT IS NEXT TO
THE SERGEANTS' MESS.

I HAVE TO HAND IT TO YOU,
MICHELLE.

YOU COME UP WITH
SOME RIDICULOUS PLANS,

BUT YOU AND YOUR GIRLS

MUST BE VERY, VERY BRAVE
TO DO THIS.

WOMEN ARE NOT
ALLOWED IN AT THE BASE.

- YOU ARE GOING.
- ME?!

WHY SHOULD--
WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME?

BECAUSE IT IS
YOUR BEER.

AH, HA!

BUT IF IT IS HIS BEER,

WHY DO I HAVE TO GO?

BECAUSE THERE ARE
TWO BARRELS.

MICHELLE,
HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN?

THERE IS THE CURFEW.

YES, THERE'S
THE CURFEW.

WE CANNOT GO.

QUITE RIGHT,
WE CANNOT GO.

- I JUST TOLD HER THAT.
- SHUT UP.

BRITISH AGENT CRABTREE
WILL ESCORT YOU,

DISGUISED AS
A POLICEMAN.

OH MY--

Fairfax:
CARSTAIRS?

WHAT ARE THEY
GIVING YOU?

SAUSAGES.

OH, NOT AGAIN.

WE'VE HAD SAUSAGES
THREE DAYS.

I THINK
IT'S THE ONLY THING

THAT'LL GO
THROUGH THE HOLE.

LISTEN, CHAPS,
MICHELLE HERE.

Both:
HELLO.

WE ARE GOING TO GET YOU
INTO THE LAND MINES TONIGHT.

NOW REMEMBER, WHEN THEY
DROP YOU OVER ENGLAND,

YOU HAVE EXACTLY 17 SECONDS
TO UNSCREW THE HATCHES,

CLIMB OUT, POP ON
THE OLD PARACHUTES AND JUMP.

IS THAT CLEAR?

( garbled )
ROGER, MESSAGE RECEIVED AND UNDERSTOOD.

CARSTAIRS, DON'T SPEAK
WITH YOUR MOUTH FULL.

HALT!

WHAT IS THE PASSWORD?

ON THESE TWO TRILLEYS,

ARE TWO BORRELS OF BOOR

FOR THE SERGEANTS' MISS.

THEY ARE A GOFT
FROM RONNIE'S CIFFEE.

IF YOU ROOD

THIS HANDWROTTEN NEWT,

ALL WILL BE EXPLONED.

WHAT IS HE
TALKING ABOUT?

HE IS FROM THE MOUNTAINS.

THIS IS A PRESENT OF BEER
FOR THE SERGEANTS' MESS.

PASS, FRIEND.

HERR FLICK,
HERR FLICK!

( knocking )

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

IT'S VERY QUIET
IN HERE.

WHERE DO YOU
THINK WE ARE?

IT IS MY BELIEF
THAT WE ARE

IN THE SECRET HEADQUARTERS
OF THE RESISTANCE.

THEY HAVE STOLEN A LOT
OF LAND MINES, HAVE THEY NOT?

WE WILL REMAIN CONCEALED

UNTIL WE HEAR VOICES SPEAK
WITH A FRENCH TONGUE.

THEN WE WILL LEAP OUT.

IN MY CASE, SLOWLY.

MY HOUSEMAID'S KNEE
IS GIVING ME GYP.

I HEAR SOMEONE APPROACH.

SCREW YOURSELF DOWN.

( doors creak )

Barrel #1:
( muffled yell )

SORRY, SORRY.

Barrel #2: I SAY,
WHAT'S GOING ON-NNN!

WE MUST QUICKLY FIND
WHICH OF THE LAND MINES ARE EMPTY,

GET THE AIRMEN INTO THEM
AND THEN CLEAR OUT OF HERE,

LIKE BATS OUT OF HELL.

HERE,
I HAVE A HAMMER.

I WILL
BANG THE CASINGS

AND WE CAN TELL
WHICH ONES ARE HOLLOW.

STOP IT, YOU FOOL!

THEY ARE FULL OF EXPLOSIVES.
DO YOU WANT TO KILL US ALL?

EXPLOSIVES?!

THE EMPTY WINS HAVE
CRISSES ON THEM.

LOOK, THERE THEY ARE,
OVER HERE.

- ( German voices )
- SHHH!

SOMEBODY COMING.

QUICK, HIDE!

THOSE ARE THE ONES,
OVER THERE.

WHERE ARE THEY
GOING TONIGHT?

IT IS A SECRET,
AS USUAL.

( sniffing )

( muffled sneeze )

DIMNATION.

FILED AT THE 11th EAR.

LET'S GET OUT
OF HERE.

( airman moans )

GUNTER, WE WILL BE
OVER THE COAST

ANY MINUTE.

IF WE HAD ANY SENSE,
WE WOULD DROP OUR BOMBS

IN THE SEA
AND TURN AROUND.

YOU ARE RIGHT.

WHY DO WE RISK OUR LIVES
FOR THIS IDIOT, CARPET CHEWING,

HOUSE PAINTER HITLER?

WE COULD NOT TALK LIKE THIS
AT THE AIRBASE, JA?

THE GESTAPO
ARE EVERYWHERE.

BUT HERE WE ARE FREE.

WE CAN SAY WHAT WE THINK.

Both:
♪ GOERING IS AN IDIOT ♪

♪ GOEBBELS IS A TWIT ♪

♪ HIMMLER IS
A PAIN IN THE BUM ♪

♪ AND HITLER IS A-- ♪

MY GOD, THE GESTAPO!

YOU ARE NOT SAFE
ANYWHERE.

( theme music playing )