'Allo 'Allo (1982–1992): Season 5, Episode 19 - Christmas Puddings - full transcript
The resistance has found out that the Germans are planning to commandeer the pudding factory where the resistance had hidden the 1,000 kilo of explosives from the land mines. Because they don't want the Germans to have the explosives, the 1,000 kilo will be brought to Café René, disguised as 500 Christmas puddings. Meanwhile, General Von Klinkerhoffen has ordered colonel Von Strohm and Gruber to find the stolen land mines and Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen (both in disguise) try to spy on the back room of Café René from the local church.
( theme music playing )
YOU FIND ME SAMPLING ONE OR TWO
OF THE LOCAL VINTAGES,
SO THAT I MAY CHOOSE
A HOUSE WINE FOR MY CAFE.
HMM.
TOO GOOD FOR THE PEASANTS.
( sniffs )
( choking )
TOO BAD FOR THE PEASANTS.
GOOD ENOUGH FOR THE GERMANS.
RENE, HAVE YOU FOUND
A SUITABLE ONE YET?
YES,
THIS ONE WILL DO VERY NICELY.
GO AND PUT A PINT
OF ANTIFREEZE
IN THAT BARREL.
RENE, YOU ONCE MORE HAVE
A SMILE ON YOUR FACE.
HOW MANY BOTTLES
HAVE YOU TASTED?
OH, NO, IT IS NOT
THE WINE, EDITH.
A GREAT LOAD HAS BEEN
LIFTED FROM MY SHOULDERS.
THE GESTAPO HAVE RECEIVED
BACK THEIR MONEY,
MONSIEUR LeCLERC IS FREE,
AND THEY ARE NO LONGER
SEARCHING FOR
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.
SO, FOR THE TIME BEING,
WE ARE AT LIBERTY
TO MAKE AS MUCH MONEY
OUT OF THIS WAR AS WE CAN.
I WILL DRINK TO THAT.
RENE,
MICHELLE WANTS YOU IN THE BACK ROOM.
OH HECK.
I KNEW IT
COULD NOT LAST.
MICHELLE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
IN THOSE DIRTY OLD OVERALLS?
THE GERMANS
SEEK ME EVERYWHERE.
I AM DISGUISED
AS A BUILDER.
SHOULD THEY FIND ME HERE,
I WILL SAY THAT I AM
REPAIRING YOUR WINDOW.
BUT IT IS NOT BROKEN.
LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY.
WHEN WE STOLE FROM THE GERMANS,
THE LAND MINES,
IN WHICH THE BRITISH AIRMEN
ARE TO ESCAPE,
WE HAD TO REMOVE 1,000 KILOS
OF HIGH EXPLOSIVE.
YOU ARE PROBABLY WONDERING
WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THIS EXPLOSIVE?
TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,
I NEVER GAVE IT A THOUGHT.
THEN I WILL TELL YOU NOW.
IT IS HIDDEN
IN A PUDDING FACTORY.
OH, WHAT A GOOD
HIDING PLACE.
UNFORTUNATELY,
WE HAVE SECRET INFORMATION
THAT THIS FACTORY IS TO BE
COMMANDEERED BY THE GERMANS
FOR THE MANUFACTURE
OF FROZEN STRUDEL,
WHICH IS TO BE SENT IN FOOD
PARCELS TO THE RUSSIAN FRONT.
WE WILL PASS
THIS SECRET INFORMATION
ON TO THE ENGLISH
TONIGHT ON THE RADIO.
WE MUST NOT LET THE EXPLOSIVE
FALL INTO GERMAN HANDS.
WE HAVE THEREFORE ARRANGED
FOR IT TO BE DELIVERED
TO YOUR CAFE.
NOW LISTEN!
WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO HIDE
1,000 KILOS OF HIGH EXPLOSIVE?
IF THE GERMANS FIND
EVEN ONE KILO,
I WILL BE SHOT.
DO NOT WORRY,
IT WILL BE DISGUISED
AS A PRODUCT
OF THE FACTORY.
WHAT?!
HIGH EXPLOSIVE STRUDEL?
DO YOU THINK WE ARE FOOLS?
WE KNOW YOU DO NOT HAVE
A BIG ENOUGH REFRIGERATOR.
THEN HOW
WILL YOU DISGUISE IT?
IT WILL BE DISGUISED
AS 500 CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS.
500? LOOK, ARE YOU
OUT OF YOUR MIND?
IF I AM QUESTIONED, WHAT REASON
AM I SUPPOSED TO GIVE
FOR HAVING 500 CHRISTMAS
PUDDINGS IN MY CAFE?
YOU CAN SAY YOU HAVE
CORNERED THE MARKET.
YOUR IDEAS GET WILDER
AND WILDER.
I WILL NOT DO IT,
AND THAT IS FINAL.
WHAT IS THE MATTER
WITH YOU?
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SIT
IN YOUR COMFORTABLE CAFE,
AND LOOK AFTER A FEW PALTRY
CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS.
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE
A 24-HOUR EMERGENCY PLUMBER,
WITH PUTTY UNDER
YOUR FINGERNAILS,
BURNING YOUR HANDS
ON A BLOW LAMP,
DRINKING TEA
FROM AN OLD PAINT KETTLE,
SITTING ON A PILE OF BRICKS,
EATING A DOORSTEP SANDWICH,
WITH A 12-INCH SPANNER
IN YOUR BACK POCKET?
WHEN IS THE FIRST
DELIVERY?
( Michelle sobs )
RENE, MONSIEUR ALPHONSE
IS ON THE PHONE.
HE WILL BE HERE IN ONE HOUR
TO DISCUSS A PROBLEM.
OH, MORE HEADACHES.
( sighs )
THANK YOU, GRUBER.
THESE ARMY BOOTS
HAVE BEEN PLAYING HELL
WITH MY BUNIONS.
I THINK, COLONEL,
THAT YOU AND I
WERE NOT CUT OUT
FOR THE MILITARY LIFE.
BETWEEN YOU AND ME,
GRUBER,
I PRAY EVERY NIGHT
THAT HITLER
DOESN'T INVADE ENGLAND.
THAT DAMN BRITISH WEATHER,
IT WOULD BE FATAL FOR ME
WITH MY RHEUMATISM.
AND THE FOOD.
BEFORE THE WAR,
I WAS ONE MONTH
IN A SMALL HOTEL
IN CROYDON.
WHAT ABOUT MANCHESTER?
THEY EAT FAGGOTS
FOR BREAKFAST.
IT'S A BARBAROUS COUNTRY.
AND THE ROMANS
PUT UP WITH IT
FOR 1,000 YEARS.
COLONEL,
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN
IS OUTSIDE.
VON KLINKERHOFFEN?!
DON'T LET HIM IN.
GRUBER,
HIDE THE BOWL.
HIDE THE BOWL.
HIDE THE BOWL!
COLONEL, YOUR FEET.
OH, MY!
MY BOOTS!
KEEP HIM TALKING.
GENERAL
VON KLINKERHOFFEN!
HEIL HITLER.
HEIL HITLER.
WHERE IS THE COLONEL?
THE COLONEL?
COLONEL VON STROHM.
OH, UM...
HE WENT FOR A STROLL.
A STROLL? WHERE?
BEHIND THE CURTAINS.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
KEEP FIT EXERCISES,
GENERAL.
I AM PREPARING MYSELF
FOR THE INVASION.
WHY ARE YOU NOT
WEARING BOOTS?
I AM TOUGHENING UP MY FEET
FOR THE PEBBLES
ON THE BRITISH BEACHES.
I WILL MAKE SURE YOU ARE
ONE OF THE FIRST TO LAND.
TO SEE AN OLD MAN LIKE YOU
TOTTERING UP
TO THE BARBED WIRE
WILL SET A GOOD EXAMPLE
TO THE LESS SEASONED TROOPS.
NOW TO BUSINESS.
WE HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM.
IT HAS COME TO THE EARS
OF THE FUHRER
THAT TWO OF THE LATEST
MARK VI LAND MINES
ARE MISSING
FROM THIS DISTRICT.
HE HAS, OF COURSE,
FLOWN INTO ONE OF HIS FAMILIAR RAGES.
HAS HE EATEN THE CARPET?
NO, BUT HE HAS DONE
A LOT OF NO GOOD
TO A REPRODUCTION
OF A BAYEUX TAPESTRY.
DO YOU THINK HE HAS
A SCREW LOOSE?
IN MY OPINION,
A WHOLE MECCANO SET HAS
FALLEN APART IN THERE,
BUT, UH... THAT IS JUST
BETWEEN OURSELVES.
NOW, WHAT STEPS HAVE BEEN TAKEN
TO RECOVER THE STOLEN ARTICLES?
WE HAVE INFORMED
HERR FLICK OF THE GESTAPO.
UNDERCOVER WORK IS
THEIR RESPONSIBILITY.
THIS IS NOT
GOOD ENOUGH.
YOU WILL TAKE CONTROL OF
THIS OPERATION PERSONALLY.
THIS IS YOUR DISTRICT.
YOU ARE THE COMMANDER.
YOU ARE IN CHARGE!
THIS WHOLE
DISGRACEFUL AFFAIR
MUST BE RESOLVED
WITHOUT ANY DELAY,
OTHERWISE, SOMEONE
WILL FIND THEMSELVES
IN VERY HOT WATER.
YES, MEIN FUHRER.
NO, MEIN FUHRER.
OF COURSE,
MEIN FUHRER.
I UNDERSTAND,
MEIN FUHRER.
I AM VERY GRATEFUL
TO YOU, MEIN FUHRER.
GOODBYE,
MEIN FUHRER.
WAS THAT THE FUHRER?
NO, IT WAS MY MOTHER.
SHE WAS CHECKING TO SEE
IF MY UNDERWEAR,
WHICH SHE HAS
KNITTED FOR ME, IS A SNUG FIT.
AND IS IT?
MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.
NOW, I HAVE HERE
AN IMPORTANT DISPATCH.
BERLIN EXPECTS
THE GESTAPO
TO FIND THE MISSING
LAND MINES.
WE ARE JUST THE BOYS
FOR THE JOB.
IT IS MY OPINION,
THAT MUCH OF THE SUBVERSIVE
ACTIVITY IN NOUVION
IS CONDUCTED AT RENE'S CAFE.
GESTAPO SPIES TELL ME
THAT THERE ARE FREQUENT
MEETINGS IN THE LARDER.
I DO NOT REMEMBER
MENTIONING THIS.
YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY
SNEAKY PEBBLE ON THE BEACH.
WE MUST FIND THE POSITION
FROM WHICH WE CAN OBSERVE
THESE GOINGS ON
IN THE LARDER.
HERE IS A MAP.
HERE IS THE LARDER WINDOW.
HERE, OPPOSITE,
IS AN OBSERVATION POINT.
THE CHURCH TOWER.
CORRECT.
12 FEET FROM THE GROUND
ARE TWO SMALL
UNOBTRUSIVE OPENINGS.
FROM THESE WE CAN SEE
DIRECTLY INTO THE LARDER,
AND THE WINDOWS ABOVE.
OH, YOU ARE A MARVEL,
HERR FLICK.
YOU WILL GO A LONG WAY
WITH YOUR BRAIN.
AND YOU WILL GO NOWHERE
WITH YOURS.
( laughing )
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE
HAS STOPPED OUTSIDE WITH HIS HEARSE.
OH, I WISH HE WOULD
NOT DO THIS.
MAMMA TAKES ON SO.
MONSIEUR RENE,
QUICK, A COGNAC.
OF COURSE.
YOU WILL NOTE
THAT MY HANDS ARE TREMBLING
AND MY MOUSTACHE
IS TWITCHING.
HERE, GET THAT
DOWN YOU.
NOW WHAT
HAS HAPPENED?
I WAS TRAVELING
THROUGH THE TOWN,
WHEN A COFFIN
FELL OFF MY HEARSE.
I DIED A THOUSAND DEATHS.
WHAT A TERRIBLE THING
TO HAPPEN TO AN UNDERTAKER
OF YOUR REPUTATION
AND STANDING.
IT IS, MADAME.
ESPECIALLY WHEN
THE COFFIN CONTAINS--
58--
EXPLODING
CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS!
OH, MY GOD! W-WELL,
DO NOT LEAVE IT
OUTSIDE MY CAFE.
THANK YOU, MONSIEUR.
I DO NOT INTEND TO.
MAMMA!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
IT IS A FINE,
SUNNY MORNING,
AND I AM FULL OF JOY.
ALSO I AM FED UP,
WAITING FOR THE RESULTS
OF THE TEST
MADE BY THAT DOCTOR.
SO, I THOUGHT
I WOULD TAKE--
AARGHH!
IT IS A MISTAKE,
MAMMA.
COME BACK.
I AM NOT HAVING
THAT THING IN HERE.
I HAVE INSTRUCTIONS,
FROM MICHELLE
OF THE RESISTANCE.
SHE SAID NO MATTER WHAT
OPPOSITION I ENCOUNTER,
THAT GOES DOWN
YOUR BACK PASSAGE.
INTO THE CELLAR.
RENE, THERE ARE
SOME GERMANS APPROACHING.
OH, HECK. QUICK,
TAKE IT THROUGH.
THANK YOU, MONSIEUR.
QUICK, QUICK.
GO QUICKLY,
COME ON, HURRY.
WHAT ABOUT
THE OTHER FIVE?
OTHER FIVE WHAT?
THE OTHER FIVE COFFINS--
WITH 290 EXPLODING
CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS?
OH, NO, NO.
YOU ARE NOT BRINGING
THEM IN HERE.
NO. SAY THERE HAS
BEEN A PLAGUE.
GO AND BURY THEM
SOMEWHERE.
I CANNOT BURY ANYTHING
WITHOUT A CERTIFICATE.
WELL, GET MICHELLE
TO SHOOT SOME GERMANS.
USE YOUR IMAGINATION,
BUT THEY ARE NOT
COMING IN HERE.
AHA, SHOOT SOME GERMANS.
GO AWAY!
TELL THE DOCTOR
I WANT A SECOND OPINION.
QUICK,
BEFORE SHE HITS ONE OF THE COFFINS.
HERR FLICK?
HERR FLICK?
WHERE ARE YOU?
I AM BEHIND THE SCREEN,
WITH VON SMALLHAUSEN.
MAY ONE INQUIRE
TO WHAT YOU ARE UP?
WE HAVE REMOVED
OUR CLOTHES
IN ORDER TO FOLLOW
THE FUHRER'S INSTRUCTIONS.
I SEE.
WHAT EXACTLY DID HE
TELL YOU TO DO?
WE HAVE DISGUISED OURSELVES
IN ORDER TO MERGE
INTO AN ECCLESIASTICAL
BACKGROUND.
CRUMBS, WHAT
A STUNNING DISGUISE.
IF I MAY SAY SO,
THE HOMEMADE
OPEN-TOED SANDALS
ARE PARTICULARLY
EFFECTIVE.
I HAVE BEEN TOLD THAT
I HAVE VERY VIRILE FEET.
VON SMALLHAUSEN?
WHY HAVE YOU, HANGING
FROM YOUR HEAD, A HALO?
IT WAS PART OF THE SET.
REMOVE IT.
HELGA, HERE ARE
YOUR INSTRUCTIONS.
YOU WILL BRING
TO THE CHURCH TOWER
COFFEE AND SANDWICHES,
TO SUSTAIN US
DURING OUR VIGIL.
WHAT WILL YOU BE DOING
IN THE CHURCH TOWER?
SNOOPING.
VERY WELL,
HERR FLICK.
I MUST SAY,
I FIND THE LENGTHS
TO WHICH YOU WILL GO
TO ACHIEVE YOUR ENDS
MOST EXCITING.
THIS IS UNDERSTANDABLE.
MAY I KISS YOU?
NO.
THE RULES OF THE ORDER
TO WHICH I BELONG,
FORBID THE KISSING
OF GIRLS.
DO THEY FORBID
ANYTHING ELSE?
YES, MONKS UNDER 5'3"
ARE NOT PERMITTED
TO SPEAK.
MAY I ASK A QUESTION?
RENE, MAKE
THE ANNOUNCEMENT.
IT IS TIME
FOR ME TO SING.
HOW QUICKLY
IT COMES ROUND.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
IT IS CABARET TIME
AT CAFE RENE.
AND HERE,
AS YOU MIGHT EXPECT,
IS YOUR OWN,
YOUR VERY OWN,
NIGHTINGALE OF NOUVION,
MADAME EDITH.
( all groaning )
THANK YOU FOR THAT
WARM WELCOME.
TODAY, I WOULD LIKE
TO SING FOR YOU,
ONE OF MY FAVORITES--
AND I HOPE, ONE OF YOURS.
"BOOM, WHY DID
MY HEART GO BOOM?"
THANK YOU.
WITH ALL THESE EXPLODING
CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS IN THE CELLAR,
I WISH SHE
WOULD NOT SING THIS.
( loudly )
♪ BOOM! ♪
♪ WHY DID MY HEART GO BOOM? ♪
♪ ME AND MY HEART
GO BOOM ♪
♪ BOOM-TIDDY-BOOM ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I FOUND YOU ♪
♪ BOOM... ♪
EDITH, YOU'VE
CLEARED THE ROOM.
♪ I CAN SEE LOVE IN BLOOM ♪
♪ BOOM-TIDDY-BOOM ♪
♪ ALL AROUND YOU... ♪
ARGH, PEASANTS!
EDITH,
DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF.
YOU DID NOT HAVE
THE RIGHT PIANIST.
YOU ARE RIGHT.
YOU ARE SACKED!
YOU ARE INCOMPETENT!
NEVER AGAIN WILL
YOU PLAY IN NOUVION!
OUT!
OH, I MUST LIE DOWN.
WHERE ARE
MY SMELLING SALTS?
WE HAVE RUN OUT,
MADAME EDITH.
STUFF A MOTHBALL
UP EACH NOSTRIL
AND BREATHE DEEPLY.
MOTHBALL?
RENE, WE ARE
ALONE AT LAST.
YVETTE.
OH-HH!
HOLD ME TIGHTLY.
IF THOSE PUDDINGS
IN THE CELLAR EXPLODE,
I WANT TO BE
IN YOUR ARMS.
OF COURSE.
IT IS A LONG TIME SINCE
WE WERE OUT TOGETHER.
GOOD MOANING.
OH, I SEE YOU ARE HAVING
A CURSE AND KIDDLE.
I WILL TURN A BLONDE EYE.
WHAT IS IT
THAT YOU WANT?
I HAVE FOR YOU
TWO EXPLEEDING
CHRISTMAS PODDINGS.
I SUPPOSE THEY ARE DOWN
YOUR TROUSERS AS USUAL?
DO NOT BE REDOCULOUS.
MIND THE HILLY.
IT IS VERY PROCKERLY.
AND DO NOT DRIP THEM,
OTHERWISE THEY WILL
GO OFF, BONG.
ALL RIGHT. WHAT AM I
SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THESE?
WE COULD SAY
WE ARE MEMBERS
OF A PUDDING CLUB.
DO NOT MENTION MY NAME
IN CONNECTION WITH IT.
I MUST GO ABOUT
MY BOSNESS.
I WILL USE
THE BACK WEE.
RENE! OH-HHH!
LOOK OUT,
THE WIFE IS COMING.
OH, RENE,
THE MOTHBALLS
DID THE TRICK.
I AM FEELING
QUITE CALM AGAIN.
RENE, THERE IS
A GIRL OUTSIDE
WHO DEMANDS TO SEE YOU,
WITHOUT DELAY.
WHAT DOES SHE WANT?
SHE SAYS IT IS
A PRIVATE MATTER
THAT ONLY CONCERNS RENE.
RENE, WHAT IS GOING ON?
I HAVE NO IDEA, EDITH.
I AM GLAD YOU ARE OPEN.
I DID NOT WANT TO LEAVE THIS
ON YOUR DOORSTEP.
I DENY--
I HAVE NEVER SEEN THIS GIRL
BEFORE IN MY LIFE.
I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE.
HOW MANY
ARE THERE?
SIX MORE GIRLS ARE OUTSIDE.
- Rene: SIX?!
- AARGHH!
AND THERE IS A BUSLOAD
COMING AT 7:00.
AARGHH!
I MUST PUT UP MY NOSE,
MORE MOTHBALLS.
RENE, WHAT HAVE
YOU BEEN DOING?
THIS HAS NOTHING
TO DO WITH ME.
TWO EXPLODING
CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS.
CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS!
♪ GOD REST YE,
MERRY GENTLEMEN... ♪
GET OUT!
I SAY, FAIRFAX,
I REALLY THINK
I'M GETTING
THE HANG OF THIS.
THERE IS ONLY
ONE PROBLEM.
AFTER SIX HOURS
COOPED UP IN THERE,
THE OLD LEGS
WON'T STRAIGHTEN OUT.
I KNOW.
MINE ARE THE SAME.
IS EVERYTHING
TICKETY-BOO, CHAPS?
WELL, WE'VE MANAGED
TO UNSCREW OUR NUTS
IN 12 SECONDS.
THAT MEANS 10 SECONDS
TO PUT ON THE PARACHUTE,
AND PULL THE THING.
GOOD SHOW!
YOU'RE LEAVING TONIGHT.
OH, WIZARD.
WHERE ARE THE GERMANS ACTUALLY
GONNA DROP THE LAND MINES?
WELL, WE CAN'T BE SURE,
BUT THEY'RE BOMBING LONDON
ALL THE TIME.
IF THEY DROP YOU OVER
WIMBLEDON, FAIRFAX,
YOU COULD HAIL A CAB
AND BE HOME FOR SUPPER.
NOW THIS IS
THE GENERAL PLAN:
WE WILL SCREW YOU DOWN
INTO THESE THINGS,
AND THEN UNDER COVER
OF DARKNESS,
YOU WILL BE LOADED
ONTO A LORRY,
AND TRANSPORTED
TO A WAREHOUSE.
FROM THERE, YOU WILL BE HUNG
UNDER A GERMAN BOMBER
AND THEN OFF YOU GO.
WHAT HAPPENS
IF THE WEATHER'S BAD,
AND THEY DON'T GO
FOR A FEW DAYS?
OUR PEOPLE WILL POP IN
FROM TIME TO TIME,
AND GIVE YOU
SANDWICHES AND COFFEE.
IT ALL SOUNDS
A BIT HAREBRAINED.
ON THE OTHER HAND,
IT'LL MAKE
A JOLLY GOOD CHAPTER
IN MY BOOK.
ARE THEY
STILL HERE?
I THOUGHT THEY
WOULD BE GONE BY NOW.
THEY ARE
LEAVING TONIGHT.
MEANWHILE, YOU MUST
HIDE THEM IN YOUR CELLAR.
IT IS FULL
OF YOUR EXPLODING CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS.
WHAT ARE THEY
TALKING ABOUT?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND
THE LANGUAGE, I'M AFRAID.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
EXPLODING CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS.
ASK A SILLY QUESTION
AND YOU GET
A SILLY ANSWER.
NOW LOOK, MICHELLE,
ONCE AND FOR ALL,
I WANT
NO PART OF THIS.
WOULD YOU PREFER
A BULLET IN YOUR BACK?
OH, VERY WELL.
COME ALONG, CHAPS.
KEEP CALM AND DO YOUR BEST
TO LOOK LIKE FRENCH PEASANTS.
ROGER.
OH, MY GOD.
WHY ARE YOU SHIVERING,
VON SMALLHAUSEN?
THESE HABITS ARE
VERY DRAFTY, HERR FLICK.
WE SHOULD HAVE WORN
LONG WINTER UNDERPANTS.
THE GESTAPO HANDBOOK
ON CHURCH CUSTOMS
SAYS THAT MONKS
DO NOT WEAR UNDERWEAR.
HAVE YOU FOUND A LADDER?
NO, HERR FLICK.
NOTHING THAT WOULD REACH
THOSE LITTLE WINDOWS UP THERE.
YOU INCOMPETENT MONK!
BUT WE WILL NOT
BE THWARTED.
LET US PUT ON
OUR MAGNIFYING HATS.
WAIT WHILE I ADJUST MINE
TO MY WEAK RIGHT EYE.
WE WILL CLIMB
THESE ROPES.
( bell tolls )
AARGHH!
- ( second bell tolls )
- AARGHH!
( ringing )
THE BELLS, THE BELLS!
CAN YOU SEE ANYTHING?
NOT FOR LONG.
HERR FLICK!
IS THAT YOU
UP THERE
IN THE DARKNESS
OF THE BELFRY?
Flick:
I AM SUSPENDED BY THE CLAPPERS.
THE RISKS YOU TAKE
FOR THE FATHERLAND.
CLIMB OUT
ONTO THE BEAM, HERR FLICK.
THE ROPE
IS ENTANGLED.
GIVE IT
A LITTLE JERK.
( screaming )
( loud clanging )
VON SMALLHAUSEN,
ARE YOU IN THERE?
SPEAK TO ME.
( clanking within )
( theme music playing )
YOU FIND ME SAMPLING ONE OR TWO
OF THE LOCAL VINTAGES,
SO THAT I MAY CHOOSE
A HOUSE WINE FOR MY CAFE.
HMM.
TOO GOOD FOR THE PEASANTS.
( sniffs )
( choking )
TOO BAD FOR THE PEASANTS.
GOOD ENOUGH FOR THE GERMANS.
RENE, HAVE YOU FOUND
A SUITABLE ONE YET?
YES,
THIS ONE WILL DO VERY NICELY.
GO AND PUT A PINT
OF ANTIFREEZE
IN THAT BARREL.
RENE, YOU ONCE MORE HAVE
A SMILE ON YOUR FACE.
HOW MANY BOTTLES
HAVE YOU TASTED?
OH, NO, IT IS NOT
THE WINE, EDITH.
A GREAT LOAD HAS BEEN
LIFTED FROM MY SHOULDERS.
THE GESTAPO HAVE RECEIVED
BACK THEIR MONEY,
MONSIEUR LeCLERC IS FREE,
AND THEY ARE NO LONGER
SEARCHING FOR
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.
SO, FOR THE TIME BEING,
WE ARE AT LIBERTY
TO MAKE AS MUCH MONEY
OUT OF THIS WAR AS WE CAN.
I WILL DRINK TO THAT.
RENE,
MICHELLE WANTS YOU IN THE BACK ROOM.
OH HECK.
I KNEW IT
COULD NOT LAST.
MICHELLE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
IN THOSE DIRTY OLD OVERALLS?
THE GERMANS
SEEK ME EVERYWHERE.
I AM DISGUISED
AS A BUILDER.
SHOULD THEY FIND ME HERE,
I WILL SAY THAT I AM
REPAIRING YOUR WINDOW.
BUT IT IS NOT BROKEN.
LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY.
WHEN WE STOLE FROM THE GERMANS,
THE LAND MINES,
IN WHICH THE BRITISH AIRMEN
ARE TO ESCAPE,
WE HAD TO REMOVE 1,000 KILOS
OF HIGH EXPLOSIVE.
YOU ARE PROBABLY WONDERING
WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THIS EXPLOSIVE?
TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,
I NEVER GAVE IT A THOUGHT.
THEN I WILL TELL YOU NOW.
IT IS HIDDEN
IN A PUDDING FACTORY.
OH, WHAT A GOOD
HIDING PLACE.
UNFORTUNATELY,
WE HAVE SECRET INFORMATION
THAT THIS FACTORY IS TO BE
COMMANDEERED BY THE GERMANS
FOR THE MANUFACTURE
OF FROZEN STRUDEL,
WHICH IS TO BE SENT IN FOOD
PARCELS TO THE RUSSIAN FRONT.
WE WILL PASS
THIS SECRET INFORMATION
ON TO THE ENGLISH
TONIGHT ON THE RADIO.
WE MUST NOT LET THE EXPLOSIVE
FALL INTO GERMAN HANDS.
WE HAVE THEREFORE ARRANGED
FOR IT TO BE DELIVERED
TO YOUR CAFE.
NOW LISTEN!
WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO HIDE
1,000 KILOS OF HIGH EXPLOSIVE?
IF THE GERMANS FIND
EVEN ONE KILO,
I WILL BE SHOT.
DO NOT WORRY,
IT WILL BE DISGUISED
AS A PRODUCT
OF THE FACTORY.
WHAT?!
HIGH EXPLOSIVE STRUDEL?
DO YOU THINK WE ARE FOOLS?
WE KNOW YOU DO NOT HAVE
A BIG ENOUGH REFRIGERATOR.
THEN HOW
WILL YOU DISGUISE IT?
IT WILL BE DISGUISED
AS 500 CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS.
500? LOOK, ARE YOU
OUT OF YOUR MIND?
IF I AM QUESTIONED, WHAT REASON
AM I SUPPOSED TO GIVE
FOR HAVING 500 CHRISTMAS
PUDDINGS IN MY CAFE?
YOU CAN SAY YOU HAVE
CORNERED THE MARKET.
YOUR IDEAS GET WILDER
AND WILDER.
I WILL NOT DO IT,
AND THAT IS FINAL.
WHAT IS THE MATTER
WITH YOU?
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SIT
IN YOUR COMFORTABLE CAFE,
AND LOOK AFTER A FEW PALTRY
CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS.
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE
A 24-HOUR EMERGENCY PLUMBER,
WITH PUTTY UNDER
YOUR FINGERNAILS,
BURNING YOUR HANDS
ON A BLOW LAMP,
DRINKING TEA
FROM AN OLD PAINT KETTLE,
SITTING ON A PILE OF BRICKS,
EATING A DOORSTEP SANDWICH,
WITH A 12-INCH SPANNER
IN YOUR BACK POCKET?
WHEN IS THE FIRST
DELIVERY?
( Michelle sobs )
RENE, MONSIEUR ALPHONSE
IS ON THE PHONE.
HE WILL BE HERE IN ONE HOUR
TO DISCUSS A PROBLEM.
OH, MORE HEADACHES.
( sighs )
THANK YOU, GRUBER.
THESE ARMY BOOTS
HAVE BEEN PLAYING HELL
WITH MY BUNIONS.
I THINK, COLONEL,
THAT YOU AND I
WERE NOT CUT OUT
FOR THE MILITARY LIFE.
BETWEEN YOU AND ME,
GRUBER,
I PRAY EVERY NIGHT
THAT HITLER
DOESN'T INVADE ENGLAND.
THAT DAMN BRITISH WEATHER,
IT WOULD BE FATAL FOR ME
WITH MY RHEUMATISM.
AND THE FOOD.
BEFORE THE WAR,
I WAS ONE MONTH
IN A SMALL HOTEL
IN CROYDON.
WHAT ABOUT MANCHESTER?
THEY EAT FAGGOTS
FOR BREAKFAST.
IT'S A BARBAROUS COUNTRY.
AND THE ROMANS
PUT UP WITH IT
FOR 1,000 YEARS.
COLONEL,
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN
IS OUTSIDE.
VON KLINKERHOFFEN?!
DON'T LET HIM IN.
GRUBER,
HIDE THE BOWL.
HIDE THE BOWL.
HIDE THE BOWL!
COLONEL, YOUR FEET.
OH, MY!
MY BOOTS!
KEEP HIM TALKING.
GENERAL
VON KLINKERHOFFEN!
HEIL HITLER.
HEIL HITLER.
WHERE IS THE COLONEL?
THE COLONEL?
COLONEL VON STROHM.
OH, UM...
HE WENT FOR A STROLL.
A STROLL? WHERE?
BEHIND THE CURTAINS.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
KEEP FIT EXERCISES,
GENERAL.
I AM PREPARING MYSELF
FOR THE INVASION.
WHY ARE YOU NOT
WEARING BOOTS?
I AM TOUGHENING UP MY FEET
FOR THE PEBBLES
ON THE BRITISH BEACHES.
I WILL MAKE SURE YOU ARE
ONE OF THE FIRST TO LAND.
TO SEE AN OLD MAN LIKE YOU
TOTTERING UP
TO THE BARBED WIRE
WILL SET A GOOD EXAMPLE
TO THE LESS SEASONED TROOPS.
NOW TO BUSINESS.
WE HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM.
IT HAS COME TO THE EARS
OF THE FUHRER
THAT TWO OF THE LATEST
MARK VI LAND MINES
ARE MISSING
FROM THIS DISTRICT.
HE HAS, OF COURSE,
FLOWN INTO ONE OF HIS FAMILIAR RAGES.
HAS HE EATEN THE CARPET?
NO, BUT HE HAS DONE
A LOT OF NO GOOD
TO A REPRODUCTION
OF A BAYEUX TAPESTRY.
DO YOU THINK HE HAS
A SCREW LOOSE?
IN MY OPINION,
A WHOLE MECCANO SET HAS
FALLEN APART IN THERE,
BUT, UH... THAT IS JUST
BETWEEN OURSELVES.
NOW, WHAT STEPS HAVE BEEN TAKEN
TO RECOVER THE STOLEN ARTICLES?
WE HAVE INFORMED
HERR FLICK OF THE GESTAPO.
UNDERCOVER WORK IS
THEIR RESPONSIBILITY.
THIS IS NOT
GOOD ENOUGH.
YOU WILL TAKE CONTROL OF
THIS OPERATION PERSONALLY.
THIS IS YOUR DISTRICT.
YOU ARE THE COMMANDER.
YOU ARE IN CHARGE!
THIS WHOLE
DISGRACEFUL AFFAIR
MUST BE RESOLVED
WITHOUT ANY DELAY,
OTHERWISE, SOMEONE
WILL FIND THEMSELVES
IN VERY HOT WATER.
YES, MEIN FUHRER.
NO, MEIN FUHRER.
OF COURSE,
MEIN FUHRER.
I UNDERSTAND,
MEIN FUHRER.
I AM VERY GRATEFUL
TO YOU, MEIN FUHRER.
GOODBYE,
MEIN FUHRER.
WAS THAT THE FUHRER?
NO, IT WAS MY MOTHER.
SHE WAS CHECKING TO SEE
IF MY UNDERWEAR,
WHICH SHE HAS
KNITTED FOR ME, IS A SNUG FIT.
AND IS IT?
MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.
NOW, I HAVE HERE
AN IMPORTANT DISPATCH.
BERLIN EXPECTS
THE GESTAPO
TO FIND THE MISSING
LAND MINES.
WE ARE JUST THE BOYS
FOR THE JOB.
IT IS MY OPINION,
THAT MUCH OF THE SUBVERSIVE
ACTIVITY IN NOUVION
IS CONDUCTED AT RENE'S CAFE.
GESTAPO SPIES TELL ME
THAT THERE ARE FREQUENT
MEETINGS IN THE LARDER.
I DO NOT REMEMBER
MENTIONING THIS.
YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY
SNEAKY PEBBLE ON THE BEACH.
WE MUST FIND THE POSITION
FROM WHICH WE CAN OBSERVE
THESE GOINGS ON
IN THE LARDER.
HERE IS A MAP.
HERE IS THE LARDER WINDOW.
HERE, OPPOSITE,
IS AN OBSERVATION POINT.
THE CHURCH TOWER.
CORRECT.
12 FEET FROM THE GROUND
ARE TWO SMALL
UNOBTRUSIVE OPENINGS.
FROM THESE WE CAN SEE
DIRECTLY INTO THE LARDER,
AND THE WINDOWS ABOVE.
OH, YOU ARE A MARVEL,
HERR FLICK.
YOU WILL GO A LONG WAY
WITH YOUR BRAIN.
AND YOU WILL GO NOWHERE
WITH YOURS.
( laughing )
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE
HAS STOPPED OUTSIDE WITH HIS HEARSE.
OH, I WISH HE WOULD
NOT DO THIS.
MAMMA TAKES ON SO.
MONSIEUR RENE,
QUICK, A COGNAC.
OF COURSE.
YOU WILL NOTE
THAT MY HANDS ARE TREMBLING
AND MY MOUSTACHE
IS TWITCHING.
HERE, GET THAT
DOWN YOU.
NOW WHAT
HAS HAPPENED?
I WAS TRAVELING
THROUGH THE TOWN,
WHEN A COFFIN
FELL OFF MY HEARSE.
I DIED A THOUSAND DEATHS.
WHAT A TERRIBLE THING
TO HAPPEN TO AN UNDERTAKER
OF YOUR REPUTATION
AND STANDING.
IT IS, MADAME.
ESPECIALLY WHEN
THE COFFIN CONTAINS--
58--
EXPLODING
CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS!
OH, MY GOD! W-WELL,
DO NOT LEAVE IT
OUTSIDE MY CAFE.
THANK YOU, MONSIEUR.
I DO NOT INTEND TO.
MAMMA!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
IT IS A FINE,
SUNNY MORNING,
AND I AM FULL OF JOY.
ALSO I AM FED UP,
WAITING FOR THE RESULTS
OF THE TEST
MADE BY THAT DOCTOR.
SO, I THOUGHT
I WOULD TAKE--
AARGHH!
IT IS A MISTAKE,
MAMMA.
COME BACK.
I AM NOT HAVING
THAT THING IN HERE.
I HAVE INSTRUCTIONS,
FROM MICHELLE
OF THE RESISTANCE.
SHE SAID NO MATTER WHAT
OPPOSITION I ENCOUNTER,
THAT GOES DOWN
YOUR BACK PASSAGE.
INTO THE CELLAR.
RENE, THERE ARE
SOME GERMANS APPROACHING.
OH, HECK. QUICK,
TAKE IT THROUGH.
THANK YOU, MONSIEUR.
QUICK, QUICK.
GO QUICKLY,
COME ON, HURRY.
WHAT ABOUT
THE OTHER FIVE?
OTHER FIVE WHAT?
THE OTHER FIVE COFFINS--
WITH 290 EXPLODING
CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS?
OH, NO, NO.
YOU ARE NOT BRINGING
THEM IN HERE.
NO. SAY THERE HAS
BEEN A PLAGUE.
GO AND BURY THEM
SOMEWHERE.
I CANNOT BURY ANYTHING
WITHOUT A CERTIFICATE.
WELL, GET MICHELLE
TO SHOOT SOME GERMANS.
USE YOUR IMAGINATION,
BUT THEY ARE NOT
COMING IN HERE.
AHA, SHOOT SOME GERMANS.
GO AWAY!
TELL THE DOCTOR
I WANT A SECOND OPINION.
QUICK,
BEFORE SHE HITS ONE OF THE COFFINS.
HERR FLICK?
HERR FLICK?
WHERE ARE YOU?
I AM BEHIND THE SCREEN,
WITH VON SMALLHAUSEN.
MAY ONE INQUIRE
TO WHAT YOU ARE UP?
WE HAVE REMOVED
OUR CLOTHES
IN ORDER TO FOLLOW
THE FUHRER'S INSTRUCTIONS.
I SEE.
WHAT EXACTLY DID HE
TELL YOU TO DO?
WE HAVE DISGUISED OURSELVES
IN ORDER TO MERGE
INTO AN ECCLESIASTICAL
BACKGROUND.
CRUMBS, WHAT
A STUNNING DISGUISE.
IF I MAY SAY SO,
THE HOMEMADE
OPEN-TOED SANDALS
ARE PARTICULARLY
EFFECTIVE.
I HAVE BEEN TOLD THAT
I HAVE VERY VIRILE FEET.
VON SMALLHAUSEN?
WHY HAVE YOU, HANGING
FROM YOUR HEAD, A HALO?
IT WAS PART OF THE SET.
REMOVE IT.
HELGA, HERE ARE
YOUR INSTRUCTIONS.
YOU WILL BRING
TO THE CHURCH TOWER
COFFEE AND SANDWICHES,
TO SUSTAIN US
DURING OUR VIGIL.
WHAT WILL YOU BE DOING
IN THE CHURCH TOWER?
SNOOPING.
VERY WELL,
HERR FLICK.
I MUST SAY,
I FIND THE LENGTHS
TO WHICH YOU WILL GO
TO ACHIEVE YOUR ENDS
MOST EXCITING.
THIS IS UNDERSTANDABLE.
MAY I KISS YOU?
NO.
THE RULES OF THE ORDER
TO WHICH I BELONG,
FORBID THE KISSING
OF GIRLS.
DO THEY FORBID
ANYTHING ELSE?
YES, MONKS UNDER 5'3"
ARE NOT PERMITTED
TO SPEAK.
MAY I ASK A QUESTION?
RENE, MAKE
THE ANNOUNCEMENT.
IT IS TIME
FOR ME TO SING.
HOW QUICKLY
IT COMES ROUND.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
IT IS CABARET TIME
AT CAFE RENE.
AND HERE,
AS YOU MIGHT EXPECT,
IS YOUR OWN,
YOUR VERY OWN,
NIGHTINGALE OF NOUVION,
MADAME EDITH.
( all groaning )
THANK YOU FOR THAT
WARM WELCOME.
TODAY, I WOULD LIKE
TO SING FOR YOU,
ONE OF MY FAVORITES--
AND I HOPE, ONE OF YOURS.
"BOOM, WHY DID
MY HEART GO BOOM?"
THANK YOU.
WITH ALL THESE EXPLODING
CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS IN THE CELLAR,
I WISH SHE
WOULD NOT SING THIS.
( loudly )
♪ BOOM! ♪
♪ WHY DID MY HEART GO BOOM? ♪
♪ ME AND MY HEART
GO BOOM ♪
♪ BOOM-TIDDY-BOOM ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I FOUND YOU ♪
♪ BOOM... ♪
EDITH, YOU'VE
CLEARED THE ROOM.
♪ I CAN SEE LOVE IN BLOOM ♪
♪ BOOM-TIDDY-BOOM ♪
♪ ALL AROUND YOU... ♪
ARGH, PEASANTS!
EDITH,
DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF.
YOU DID NOT HAVE
THE RIGHT PIANIST.
YOU ARE RIGHT.
YOU ARE SACKED!
YOU ARE INCOMPETENT!
NEVER AGAIN WILL
YOU PLAY IN NOUVION!
OUT!
OH, I MUST LIE DOWN.
WHERE ARE
MY SMELLING SALTS?
WE HAVE RUN OUT,
MADAME EDITH.
STUFF A MOTHBALL
UP EACH NOSTRIL
AND BREATHE DEEPLY.
MOTHBALL?
RENE, WE ARE
ALONE AT LAST.
YVETTE.
OH-HH!
HOLD ME TIGHTLY.
IF THOSE PUDDINGS
IN THE CELLAR EXPLODE,
I WANT TO BE
IN YOUR ARMS.
OF COURSE.
IT IS A LONG TIME SINCE
WE WERE OUT TOGETHER.
GOOD MOANING.
OH, I SEE YOU ARE HAVING
A CURSE AND KIDDLE.
I WILL TURN A BLONDE EYE.
WHAT IS IT
THAT YOU WANT?
I HAVE FOR YOU
TWO EXPLEEDING
CHRISTMAS PODDINGS.
I SUPPOSE THEY ARE DOWN
YOUR TROUSERS AS USUAL?
DO NOT BE REDOCULOUS.
MIND THE HILLY.
IT IS VERY PROCKERLY.
AND DO NOT DRIP THEM,
OTHERWISE THEY WILL
GO OFF, BONG.
ALL RIGHT. WHAT AM I
SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THESE?
WE COULD SAY
WE ARE MEMBERS
OF A PUDDING CLUB.
DO NOT MENTION MY NAME
IN CONNECTION WITH IT.
I MUST GO ABOUT
MY BOSNESS.
I WILL USE
THE BACK WEE.
RENE! OH-HHH!
LOOK OUT,
THE WIFE IS COMING.
OH, RENE,
THE MOTHBALLS
DID THE TRICK.
I AM FEELING
QUITE CALM AGAIN.
RENE, THERE IS
A GIRL OUTSIDE
WHO DEMANDS TO SEE YOU,
WITHOUT DELAY.
WHAT DOES SHE WANT?
SHE SAYS IT IS
A PRIVATE MATTER
THAT ONLY CONCERNS RENE.
RENE, WHAT IS GOING ON?
I HAVE NO IDEA, EDITH.
I AM GLAD YOU ARE OPEN.
I DID NOT WANT TO LEAVE THIS
ON YOUR DOORSTEP.
I DENY--
I HAVE NEVER SEEN THIS GIRL
BEFORE IN MY LIFE.
I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE.
HOW MANY
ARE THERE?
SIX MORE GIRLS ARE OUTSIDE.
- Rene: SIX?!
- AARGHH!
AND THERE IS A BUSLOAD
COMING AT 7:00.
AARGHH!
I MUST PUT UP MY NOSE,
MORE MOTHBALLS.
RENE, WHAT HAVE
YOU BEEN DOING?
THIS HAS NOTHING
TO DO WITH ME.
TWO EXPLODING
CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS.
CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS!
♪ GOD REST YE,
MERRY GENTLEMEN... ♪
GET OUT!
I SAY, FAIRFAX,
I REALLY THINK
I'M GETTING
THE HANG OF THIS.
THERE IS ONLY
ONE PROBLEM.
AFTER SIX HOURS
COOPED UP IN THERE,
THE OLD LEGS
WON'T STRAIGHTEN OUT.
I KNOW.
MINE ARE THE SAME.
IS EVERYTHING
TICKETY-BOO, CHAPS?
WELL, WE'VE MANAGED
TO UNSCREW OUR NUTS
IN 12 SECONDS.
THAT MEANS 10 SECONDS
TO PUT ON THE PARACHUTE,
AND PULL THE THING.
GOOD SHOW!
YOU'RE LEAVING TONIGHT.
OH, WIZARD.
WHERE ARE THE GERMANS ACTUALLY
GONNA DROP THE LAND MINES?
WELL, WE CAN'T BE SURE,
BUT THEY'RE BOMBING LONDON
ALL THE TIME.
IF THEY DROP YOU OVER
WIMBLEDON, FAIRFAX,
YOU COULD HAIL A CAB
AND BE HOME FOR SUPPER.
NOW THIS IS
THE GENERAL PLAN:
WE WILL SCREW YOU DOWN
INTO THESE THINGS,
AND THEN UNDER COVER
OF DARKNESS,
YOU WILL BE LOADED
ONTO A LORRY,
AND TRANSPORTED
TO A WAREHOUSE.
FROM THERE, YOU WILL BE HUNG
UNDER A GERMAN BOMBER
AND THEN OFF YOU GO.
WHAT HAPPENS
IF THE WEATHER'S BAD,
AND THEY DON'T GO
FOR A FEW DAYS?
OUR PEOPLE WILL POP IN
FROM TIME TO TIME,
AND GIVE YOU
SANDWICHES AND COFFEE.
IT ALL SOUNDS
A BIT HAREBRAINED.
ON THE OTHER HAND,
IT'LL MAKE
A JOLLY GOOD CHAPTER
IN MY BOOK.
ARE THEY
STILL HERE?
I THOUGHT THEY
WOULD BE GONE BY NOW.
THEY ARE
LEAVING TONIGHT.
MEANWHILE, YOU MUST
HIDE THEM IN YOUR CELLAR.
IT IS FULL
OF YOUR EXPLODING CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS.
WHAT ARE THEY
TALKING ABOUT?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND
THE LANGUAGE, I'M AFRAID.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
EXPLODING CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS.
ASK A SILLY QUESTION
AND YOU GET
A SILLY ANSWER.
NOW LOOK, MICHELLE,
ONCE AND FOR ALL,
I WANT
NO PART OF THIS.
WOULD YOU PREFER
A BULLET IN YOUR BACK?
OH, VERY WELL.
COME ALONG, CHAPS.
KEEP CALM AND DO YOUR BEST
TO LOOK LIKE FRENCH PEASANTS.
ROGER.
OH, MY GOD.
WHY ARE YOU SHIVERING,
VON SMALLHAUSEN?
THESE HABITS ARE
VERY DRAFTY, HERR FLICK.
WE SHOULD HAVE WORN
LONG WINTER UNDERPANTS.
THE GESTAPO HANDBOOK
ON CHURCH CUSTOMS
SAYS THAT MONKS
DO NOT WEAR UNDERWEAR.
HAVE YOU FOUND A LADDER?
NO, HERR FLICK.
NOTHING THAT WOULD REACH
THOSE LITTLE WINDOWS UP THERE.
YOU INCOMPETENT MONK!
BUT WE WILL NOT
BE THWARTED.
LET US PUT ON
OUR MAGNIFYING HATS.
WAIT WHILE I ADJUST MINE
TO MY WEAK RIGHT EYE.
WE WILL CLIMB
THESE ROPES.
( bell tolls )
AARGHH!
- ( second bell tolls )
- AARGHH!
( ringing )
THE BELLS, THE BELLS!
CAN YOU SEE ANYTHING?
NOT FOR LONG.
HERR FLICK!
IS THAT YOU
UP THERE
IN THE DARKNESS
OF THE BELFRY?
Flick:
I AM SUSPENDED BY THE CLAPPERS.
THE RISKS YOU TAKE
FOR THE FATHERLAND.
CLIMB OUT
ONTO THE BEAM, HERR FLICK.
THE ROPE
IS ENTANGLED.
GIVE IT
A LITTLE JERK.
( screaming )
( loud clanging )
VON SMALLHAUSEN,
ARE YOU IN THERE?
SPEAK TO ME.
( clanking within )
( theme music playing )