'Allo 'Allo (1982–1992): Season 2, Episode 5 - The Duel - full transcript

( theme music playing )

( hens clucking )

GET OUT OF THE WAY.

IT IS POSSIBLE THAT
YOU ARE WONDERING

WHAT I AM DOING LURKING
IN MY OWN HENHOUSE.

THE REASON IS
IMPROBABLE BUT SIMPLE.

I AM HIDING
FROM MONSIEUR ALPHONSE-- AN AGING UNDERTAKER,

WHO HAS CHALLENGED ME
TO A DUEL.

SHUT UP!

KEEP YOUR BEAKS CLOSED.

HE IS UNHAPPY



BECAUSE EDITH WANTS
TO MARRY ME INSTEAD OF HIM.

I AM UNHAPPY
BECAUSE I HAVE ALREADY BEEN MARRIED TO EDITH;

I HAVE BEEN SHOT
BY THE GERMANS;

I HAVE BEEN BURIED

AND I HAVE COME BACK
AS MY OWN TWIN BROTHER;

AND NOW I AM FORCED
TO HIDE IN THE HENHOUSE.

HIS SECONDS ARE
LOOKING FOR ME

TO MAKE ARRANGEMENTS
FOR THE DUEL, YOU SEE.

SO FAR SO GOOD.

- Yvette: RENE.
- OH MY GOD!

RENE.

Rene:
BAWK BAWK BAWK.

RENE, IT IS I,
YVETTE.

YOU MAY
REVEAL YOURSELF.



WHAT IS HAPPENING?

THE SECONDS
OF MONSIEUR ALPHONSE

HAVE BEEN TO THE CAFE
AND DEPARTED.

THANK HEAVENS.

LET US HOPE THAT IS
THE LAST WE SEE OF THEM.

HOW DID YOU GET
RID OF THEM?

I DID NOT.

IT WAS
LIEUTENANT GRUBER.

HE RECEIVED THEM
ON YOUR BEHALF.

WHY DO PEOPLE
ALWAYS HAVE TO

STICK THEIR NOSES
INTO MY BUSINESS?

RENE, HE DEFENDED
YOUR REPUTATION.

THEY WERE SAYING
THAT PERHAPS YOU HAD A YELLOW STEAK.

IT IS HIGHLY LIKELY.
FOR ONE THING,

I HAVE BEEN SITTING ALL NIGHT
ON HALF A DOZEN EGGS.

OH, DEAR.

HERE, GENTLEMEN,

A DRINK ON THE HOUSE.

I AM MOST GRATEFUL
TO YOU FOR UPHOLDING

THE HONOR OF
MY FUTURE HUSBAND,

WHO SCARPERED OUT
OF THE SCULLERY WINDOW

BECAUSE HE HAS
THE COURAGE OF A HAMSTER.

I'M SURE RENE
WOULD NOT RUN AWAY

LIKE A COWARD.

THERE WILL BE
AN EXPLANATION.

OF COURSE THERE WILL.

THERE IS AN EXPLANATION,
COLONEL, YES.

I WAS SHELLING PEAS
IN THE KITCHEN,

I SAW A RABBIT OUT
OF THE WINDOW,

I PICKED UP
THE BROOM HANDLE,

AND TRIED TO CATCH IT
FOR YOUR DINNER.

HAVE I MISSED SOMETHING?

YOU HAVE MISSED
THE SECONDS

WHO WERE CALLING ON YOU
TO FIGHT FOR MY HONOR.

OH, WHAT A PITY.

AND SUCH
A WORTHY CAUSE.

I WOULD NOT HAVE
MISSED THAT FOR ANYTHING.

ALL IS NOT LOST, RENE.

LIEUTENANT GRUBER
HAS ACCEPTED THE CHALLENGE ON YOUR BEHALF.

LIEUTENANT GRUBER
IS GOING TO FIGHT THE UNDERTAKER?

NO!

NO.

BUT AS ONE OF YOUR
CLOSEST FRIENDS,

I HAVE AGREED
TO BE SECOND.

LIEUTENANT GRUBER KNOWS
ALL ABOUT THIS KIND OF THING.

HE WAS AT HEIDELBERG.

AT HEIDELBERG,

THEY FIGHT FOR THEIR HONOR
ALL THE TIME.

ACTUALLY,
IN SPITE OF THE POPULAR RUMORS ABOUT HEIDELBERG,

FIGHTING FOR ONE'S HONOR
IS NOT COMPULSORY.

YOU CAN GIVE IN.

BUT I KNOW ENOUGH ABOUT
THE RULES NOT TO LET YOU DOWN.

YES, IT IS VERY KIND
OF YOU, LIEUTENANT,

BUT I HAVE NO INTENTION
OF DOING AN ERROL FLYNN

WITH AN OLD UNDERTAKER.

YOU ARE GOING TO HUMILIATE ME
IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS.

HOW WILL
THEY FIND OUT?

I HAVE BEEN ON THE PHONE
ALL MORNING.

THE WHOLE VILLAGE IS
GOING TO TURN OUT.

IF I COULD PERSUADE
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE

TO CHANGE IT FROM DAWN
TO MIDDAY,

I COULD DO THE CATERING,

AND MAKE A LOT OF MONEY.

EDITH, MY LIFE IS AT STAKE
AND YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT CATERING.

I HAVE,

ON YOUR BEHALF,

REFUSED SWORDS

AND HAVE PROVISIONALLY
CHOSEN PISTOLS.

HE WOULD PREFER
A KNITTING COMPETITION.

VERY WELL.

I WILL... PRESENT
YOUR COMPLIMENTS

AND AGREE WITH HIM
THE TIME AND THE PLACE.

HOW ABOUT
SOUTH AMERICA,

THE CHRISTMAS
AFTER NEXT?

NO, NO.
DAWN TOMORROW.

THE WOODS WILL BE
MISTY AND ROMANTIC.

I SHALL DRESS
DRAMATICALLY IN BLACK--

A BLACK COAT,
A BLACK DRESS,

A BLACK CHIFFON SCARF,
BLACK GLOVES,

AND A BLACK HAT.

YOU DO NOT GIVE MUCH
FOR MY CHANCES, DO YOU?

VERY WELL,
SO BE IT.

HEIL HITLER!

AND DO NOT
WORRY, RENE,

I SHALL BE CLOSE
BY YOUR SIDE.

I MUST HURRY AND GET
MY NEW BLACK HAT AND BLACK VEIL.

RENE, DON'T GO AWAY,
WE HAVE MUCH TO DISCUSS.

BUT SO LITTLE TIME.

HANS,

RENE IS FAR TOO
VALUABLE TO US

TO LOSE IN
A SILLY DUEL.

HE HAS OUR PAINTING
IN A SAUSAGE IN HIS CELLAR.

AND HE SUPPLIES US
WITH GIRLS.

PRECISELY.

SO I HAVE A PLAN.

RENE, WE WILL HOLD
BATTLE MANEUVERS

TOMORROW MORNING.

BY CHANCE,

IN THE AREA
OF THE DUEL,

WE WILL HAVE SOME
MACHINE GUNS,

ARMORED CARS,
AND TROOPS.

JUST BEFORE THE DUEL
STARTS,

WE WILL OPEN UP
WITH EVERYTHING,

AND THE UNDERTAKER

WILL UNFORTUNATELY
GET IN THE WAY.

WE WILL APOLOGIZE,
AND THERE WILL BE NO REPERCUSSIONS

BECAUSE HE IS ONLY
A FRENCHMAN.

COULD YOU NOT JUST
WOUND HIM A LITTLE BIT?

WITH A 25-POUND SHELL
THAT IS NOT EASY.

SEND IT TO ME
AT ONCE.

- ANYTHING SERIOUS, HERR FLICK?
- THERE IS FOR ME, A TELEGRAM.

IT IS BEING
BROUGHT TO ME BY HAND.

WE WILL CONTINUE
OUR GAME OF MONOPOLY.

YOUR TURN
WITH THE DICE.

BE CAREFUL NOT
TO THROW A FIVE,

OR YOU WILL
LAND ON MY HOTEL IN THE WILHELMSTRASSE.

AH, A SEVEN.

STOP!
THAT IS NOT YOUR TOKEN,

THAT IS
MY STAFF CAR.

YOU ARE THE HIGH-HEELED
JACKBOOT.

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR,
FIVE, SIX, SEVEN.

AH, YOU TAKE A CARD.

WHAT DOES IT SAY?

I HAVE BEEN HIT
WITH A RUBBER TRUNCHEON

AND MISS THREE MOVES.

HARD CHEESE.

SIX.

"GO DIRECTLY
TO HITLER'S BUNKER,

DO NOT PASS GO,

DO NOT COLLECT
200 MARKS."

- ( knocks )
- ENTER.

WHAT DO YOU WANT,
VON SMALLHAUSEN?

TELEGRAM, HERR FLICK.

GO AWAY.

- BAD NEWS, HERR FLICK?
- IT IS FROM MY GODFATHER.

HIMMLER?

"EXPERTS HAVE REASSEMBLED
BOMBED SAUSAGE.

NO TRACE OF PAINTING.

ADOLF VERY OFFHAND
AT DINNER LAST NIGHT.

DID NOT LAUGH
AT MY JOKES.

ARREST COLONEL
WHO SENT TELEGRAM.

LOVE, UNCLE HEINRICH."

ARREST THE COLONEL?

THIS IS TERRIBLE.

- HELGA, WHAT DO
YOU KNOW OF THIS? - NOTHING, HERR FLICK.

YOU ARE LYING!
YOU WILL ANSWER MY QUESTIONS.

- SIT DOWN!
- YES, HERR FLICK.

WHO PUT THE SAUSAGE
ON THE TRAIN?

- I DID, HERR FLICK.
- WHO GAVE YOU THE SAUSAGE?

- THE COLONEL.
- WAS THE PAINTING INSIDE THE SAUSAGE?

I COULD NOT TELL,
HERR FLICK,

WITHOUT BITING
A BIT OFF THE END.

WHY DID YOU NOT
DO THIS?

I COULD NOT
SEND TO HITLER A BITTEN SAUSAGE.

TRUE, THAT WAS
GOOD THINKING.

IT IS THEREFORE CLEAR,

THE SAUSAGE CONTAINING
THE PAINTING

THAT I GAVE
TO THE COLONEL,

WHICH WAS A FORGERY,

BUT WHICH HE THOUGHT
WAS GENUINE,

WAS NOT SENT TO BERLIN,

BUT WAS SUBSTITUTED BY HIM
FOR A NORMAL KNOCKWURST.

THE SAUSAGE
CONTAINING THE PAINTING

HAS BEEN KEPT BY HIM
TO SELL AFTER THE WAR,

WHICH WILL NOT BE POSSIBLE
BECAUSE IT IS A FORGERY,

AND THE REAL PAINTING IS HIDDEN
IN THE GESTAPO SAUSAGE

WHICH IS HANGING
WITH SIMILAR SAUSAGES IN RENE'S KITCHEN.

CORRECT ME,
IF I AM WRONG.

I WOULDN'T DREAM OF IT,
HERR FLICK.

MY COURSE OF ACTION
IS CLEAR--

WE WILL ARREST THE COLONEL
AND THE CAPTAIN AT ONCE.

SHALL I
COME WITH YOU?

YOU MAY BE
TEMPTED TO WARN THEM OUT OF MISPLACED LOYALTY.

YOU WILL STAY HERE.

WHAT'S THIS,
HERR FLICK?

SO YOU DO NOT
USE THE TELEPHONE.

I WILL RETURN
BY EARLY EVENING.

WOULD YOU CARE
TO STAY FOR DINNER?

HOW COULD I REFUSE?

IT'S A DATE.

RENE!

OH, MARIA!

WHY HAVE YOU KEPT ME
WAITING SO LONG?

I WAS TELEPHONING
THE UNDERTAKER

TO SEE IF WE COULD
COME TO SOME ARRANGEMENT.

WHAT HAPPENED?

HE OFFERED TO BURY ME
AT TRADE PRICES.

- OH RENE!
- OH MARIA!

- RENE?
- HMM?

CRUSH MY LIPS
WITH YOUR LIPS.

DO ALL THOSE THINGS
YOU DO THAT DRIVE ME CRAZY

WITH RAGING DESIRE.

MARIA, WE ARE ONLY
IN THE BROOM CUPBOARD.

OH, RENE!

Edith:
RENE... RENE.

RENE!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
IN THE BROOM CUPBOARD WITH MARIA?

YOU STUPID WOMAN,

IT IS QUITE OBVIOUS

WHAT I AM DOING
IN THE BROOM CUPBOARD WITH MARIA.

YOU KNOW YOU DO NOT LIKE ME
TELLING OFF THE STAFF

IN FRONT OF CUSTOMERS.

I WAS--

I WAS JUST REPRIMANDING
HER IN HERE.

SO THE NEXT TIME
A CUSTOMER CALLS, YOU COME RUNNING.

- YES, RENE.
- AND THAT IS THE LAST TIME I SHALL TELL YOU THIS.

VERY LIKELY.

"WHAT DID YOU DO
IN THE WAR, GRANDPAPA?"

HA HA, I WAS SEWING
LADIES' SILK KNICKERS

TO A TORN BALLOON,

SO THAT THE BRITISH AIRMEN
COULD ESCAPE.

HAVE YOU NOT FINISHED
THAT BALLOON YET?

SOON THE RESTAURANT
WILL BE FULL

AND THIS PLACE WILL
BE CRAWLING WITH GERMANS.

DON'T MOVE.

NOW LISTEN
VERY CAREFULLY,

I SHALL SAY THIS
ONLY ONCE.

THE BASKET HAS BEEN
WOVEN BY THE WEAVERS OF WIMEREUX.

FORGIVE ME,
I DO NOT HAVE MY CODE BOOK.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

EXACTLY WHAT IT SAYS.

THE BASKET IS READY
TO BE ATTACHED TO THE BALLOON.

AH, GOOD.

RENE, CUSTOMERS.

OH, HECK.

LOOK, YOU MUST BE
OUT OF HERE IN 10 MINUTES.

OH, MICHELLE,
WE HAVE NOT REPAIRED

ALL THE HOLES
IN THE SILK BALLOON.

WE SHALL REQUIRE
ONE MORE PAIR

OF SILK KNICKERS.

I...

WILL GIVE
MY LAST PAIR

FOR FRANCE.

REMOVE THEM BEHIND
THE CURTAIN--

THERE IS A MAN PRESENT.

NO, DO NOT WORRY,

I HAVE SEEN IT ALL BEFORE.

BUT A VERY LONG
TIME AGO.

NO, JUST A MOMENT AGO,

WHEN I DROPPED MY NEEDLE.

WE ARE HOPING
TO START ABOUT 7:00,

BUT IT IS BEST
YOU GET THERE EARLY.

WE ARE EXPECTING A CROWD.

AND THERE WILL BE COFFEE
AND SANDWICHES AFTERWARDS,

WHATEVER HAPPENS.

TELL THEM WE ARE
HOPING FOR A HOME WIN.

YES, I'LL SEE YOU THEN.

OH, SO MANY FRIENDS.

( door shuts )

OH, RENE!

OH, YVETTE!

I ADMIRE YOU.

YOU ARE LIKE A ROCK.

I KNOW THIS TO BE A QUALITY
YOU APPRECIATE IN A MAN.

OH, BUT I AM SO WORRIED.

WHY?

I HEAR MONSIEUR ALPHONSE
IS A CRACK SHOT.

THERE WAS A COMPETITION--

HE PUT ONE OF HIS BALLS
THROUGH A PLAYING CARD AT 20 PACES.

QUITE A FEAT.

THIS IS HOW HE STARTED
IN THE UNDERTAKING BUSINESS.

YVETTE, NORMALLY I WOULD
BE WORRIED BY SUCH NEWS.

BUT I HAVE A SECRET
ARRANGEMENT WITH THE COLONEL.

AT THE TIME OF THE DUEL,

HE WILL BE ON EXERCISES
WITH TANKS AND TROOPS

AND MACHINE GUNS
AND THINGS.

AND HE HAS PROMISED
TO TAKE CARE OF THE UNDERTAKER.

OH, COULD HE NOT
TAKE CARE OF YOUR WIFE

AT THE SAME TIME?

I COULD MENTION IT,
I SUPPOSE,

BUT I MIGHT BE
PUSHING MY LUCK.

AND TALKING OF
PUSHING MY LUCK...

IT'S THAT ENGLISH IDIOT
WHO THINKS HE CAN SPEAK OUR LANGUAGE.

GOOD DIE TO YOU.

YOU SEE, HE HAS HEARD
ABOUT THE DUEL.

ARE WE ALOON?

I WISH TO TICK TO YOU.

TICK?

HE MEANS TALK.

AH, WE ARE ALOON
SO TICK AWAY.

THE ENGLISH AIRMEN
ARE NO LINGER IN THE COW.

OH, GOOD.

WELL, WHERE
ARE THEY THEN?

I WILL KILL THEM.

IN HERE, CHAPS.

YOU WILL NEVER
GET AWAY WITH THAT.

YOU CANNOT PASS
THOSE TWO IDIOTS OFF AS FRENCH POLICEMEN.

I HAVE GIVE THEM QUICK CURSE
IN THE FRENCH LONGWODGE.

IT'S NOSE TO SPIKE
YOUR TONGUE.

PLEASED TO MATE
YOU, SIR.

HECK-- GERMANS!

QUICK,
IN THE BACK ROOM.

OFFICER, IF YOU WISH
TO SEARCH MY PREMISES

I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE.

START IN THE BACK ROOM.

TAKE CARE
OF THE KRAUTS.

Yvette:
COULD I SHOW YOU TO YOUR TABLE?

LISTEN CAREFULLY,

THE BALLOON
IS READY.

IT WILL BE TAKEN

AND HIDDEN IN
THE OLD RUINED BARN,

FIVE KILOMETERS
TO THE NORTH OF TOWN.

WHEN THE WIND
IS FAVORABLE,

A MESSAGE
WILL BE SENT.

YOU, RENE, WILL GUIDE
THE AIRMEN TO THE BARN

WHERE THEY WILL TAKE OFF
AND HEAD FOR HOME.

I DO NOT WISH TO BE
A WET BLANKET,

BUT I DO HAVE A DUEL
IN THE MORNING YOU KNOW--

WHAT IF I AM KILLED?

THEN MONSIEUR LECLERC
WILL GUIDE THEM.

I MUST GO NOW
TO THE IRONMONGER.

HE IS PREPARING
THE BLOWLAMPS,

WHICH WILL PROVIDE
THE HOT AIR FOR THE BALLOON.

RENE, HERR FLICK
HAS BEEN HERE.

HERR FLICK
OF THE GESTAPO?

QUICK, WE WILL ESCOPE
THROUGH THE WINE-DOW.

NO, HE WILL BE GETTING
INTO HIS CAR.

HE WILL SEE YOU.

WHAT DID HE WANT?

HE HAD NOT SEEN THESE TWO
DISGUISED AS POLICEMEN?

NO, HE WAS LOOKING
FOR THE COLONEL.

HE HAS GONE
TO THEIR HEADQUARTERS.

DID HE WANT TO CHECK
ON HIS SAUSAGE?

NO. HE CANCELED
HIS TABLE AND ORDERED

TWO LARGE PORTIONS OF HOT POT
TO TAKE AWAY.

THAT MEANS A NICE,
QUIET DINNER WITH HELGA

IN THE DUNGEON
THIS EVENING.

EDITH, YVETTE.

OH, EDITH,

WHY DO YOU LEAVE ME
FOR SO LONG ALONE?

I AM SORRY, MAMMA,

BUT I WAS TRYING ON
MY NEW BLACK HAT FOR THE DUEL.

AH-- THE DUEL.

NOW EDITH,

I HAVE BEEN THINKING.

I WISH TO BE
THERE EARLY.

I WANT TO BE
IN THE FRONT ROW.

IT IS HISTORY
REPEATING ITSELF.

MEN FOUGHT OVER ME,
YOU KNOW,

WHEN I WAS YOUNG.

I WAS LOVED BY

TWO TRAM DRIVERS
AT THE SAME TIME.

DID THEY
FIGHT WITH PISTOLS OR WITH SWORDS?

NO, TRAMS.

I SHALL NEVER FORGET IT.

THEY DROVE FURIOUSLY
TOWARDS ONE ANOTHER,

EACH FROM HIS OWN DEPOT

RINGING THE BELLS
AND SHOUTING,

"NO ROOM ON TOP."

WHAT HAPPENED?

THERE WAS A POWER CUT.

SO I RAN AWAY

WITH THE INSPECTOR.

HERR FLICK,

COULD YOU NOT FREE
MY OTHER HAND?

IT IS VERY DIFFICULT
TO CHASE PEAS

USING ONLY A FORK.

I AM SORRY, HELGA,

I CANNOT RISK YOU
EVADING ME

AND, IN YOUR
MISPLACED LOYALTY,

INFORMING
THE COLONEL.

I KEEP TELLING YOU,

I DO NOT KNOW
WHERE THE COLONEL IS.

I DO NOT
BELIEVE YOU, HELGA.

AND IF YOU
DO NOT TALK

YOU WILL GET
NO PUDDING.

IT IS JAM ROLY-POLY.

YOU ARE A RUTHLESS MAN,
HERR FLICK.

- ( knocks on door )
- ENTER.

WE HAVE TRACED THE COLONEL
AND THE CAPTAIN, HERR FLICK.

THEY ARE OUT
ON MANEUVERS.

GOOD.
GO AWAY.

FASTER!

AS SOON AS IT IS DAYLIGHT,
WE WILL ARREST THEM.

IN THE MEANTIME,
WE WILL REMAIN HERE.

IF YOU DO NOT TRUST ME,
HERR FLICK,

WHAT SORT OF LIFE
WILL WE HAVE TOGETHER AFTER THE WAR?

I WILL TAKE YOU
FOR BEAUTIFUL WALKS

ON A SHORT LEAD.

YOU MAKE ME FEEL
LIKE A WILD ANIMAL.

IT'S MUTUAL.

( snores )

( alarm bell ringing )

RENE, WAKE UP.

WAKE UP!

IT IS 5:00.

5:00?

YOU MUST NOT BE LATE
FOR THE DUEL.

BUT EDITH,
THAT IS NOT UNTIL 7:00.

OH!

I KNOW, BUT I HAVE
TO DRESS,

AND MAKE UP,

AND IRON YOUR SHIRT.

YOU ARE NOT GOING
INTO THE WOODS LOOKING A MESS.

TO THINK THAT MEN ARE
PREPARED TO DIE FOR ME.

IT IS UNBELIEVABLE,
IS IT NOT?

( knocking )

RENE, GO DOWN AND SEE
WHO IS AT THE DOOR.

WHO CAN THAT BE
AT THIS HOUR?

IT MAY BE SOMEBODY
WANTING TO BUY TICKETS.

YOU HAVE BEEN
SELLING TICKETS?

ONLY FOR THE FRONT ROW.

( knocking )

RENE, IT IS
LIEUTENANT GRUBER.

GOOD MORNING, RENE!

I HAVE YOUR
TROUSERS, HERE.

MY BATMAN PRESSED THEM
FOR ME.

HOW KIND, LIEUTENANT.

YOU THINK OF EVERYTHING.

I... I ALSO HAD THEM
WIDENED A LITTLE,

SO YOU ARE
MORE FASHIONABLE.

WOULD YOU LIKE
TO TRY THEM ON NOW?

NOT IN FRONT
OF THE GIRLS.

THE GIRLS WILL GO AWAY.

BACK TO BED, LADIES.
SHOO! SHOO!

THIS IS AN AFFAIR
BETWEEN MEN.

DO NOT HESITATE
TO POP DOWN

IF YOU WANT
A GLASS OF WATER,

OR SOME CIGARETTES,

OR IF I RING THE BELL,
OR ANYTHING.

RENE, I HOPE THIS
AFFAIR TURNS OUT

SATISFACTORILY.

SO DO I.

I--

I DO NOT KNOW
HOW TO SAY THIS, RENE.

I HAVE ALWAYS
ADMIRED YOU, BUT--

JUST AT THIS MOMENT
I FIND IT HARD

TO EXPRESS IN WORDS
ALL MY FEELINGS.

WELL, KEEP TRYING
WITH THE WORDS.

I'M SURE THEY WILL
COME TO YOU IN THE END.

I WOULD LIKE YOU TO WEAR
THIS LOCKET OF MINE FOR GOOD LUCK.

OH-- I WAS THINKING

MORE ALONG
THESE LINES.

RENE, TAKE MY ADVICE--

DO NOT WEAR THAT.

IT WILL ONLY
FLATTEN THE BALL ON IT'S WAY THROUGH,

AND MAKE AN EVEN
BIGGER HOLE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
ALL DRESSED UP LIKE A MAD HATTER?

IT IS I, LECLERC.

I AM TO BE
YOUR OTHER SECOND.

WHAT ARE ALL
THESE FOR?

ARE YOU EXPECTING
TO CLEAN UP THE FOREST

AFTER I AM SHOT?

I AM TO WASH
THE FLOOR,

READY FOR THE PARTY
AFTERWARDS.

GOOD.
WE ARE HERE FIRST.

GIVE ME
MY OPERA GLASSES.

I DO NOT WISH
TO MISS ANYTHING.

TICKETS, PLEASE.

( bell rings )

I KNEW THAT ONE DAY
THAT WOULD COME IN USEFUL.

HALT!

OH, MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.

HOW ELEGANT HE LOOKS.

MADAME--

AND THIS MUST BE
YOUR SISTER.

- MY MOTHER.
- UNBELIEVABLE.

YOU ARE SO YOUNG,

SO VIVACIOUS.

TAKE THESE SO YOU
CAN SEE TO SHOOT.

THERE HE IS.

HE HAS BOTH HIS
SECONDS WITH HIM.

WE CANNOT START YET
BECAUSE I AM NOT READY,

BESIDES, GRUBER
IS NOT HERE.

DO NOT WORRY.

HE HAS GONE FOR THE KIT
OF THE FIRST AID.

I HOPE HE WILL
NOT BE LONG.

THIS COAL SCUTTLE
IS TIGHT UNDER THE ARM.

IT IS JUST INSURANCE.

ANYWAY, THE GERMAN ARMY
WILL BE HERE TO SAVE YOU.

THAT MAKES ME FEEL
VERY BRAVE.

WHERE--
WHERE ARE THEY EXACTLY?

SHH! YOU CANNOT
SEE THEM, RENE.

THEY ARE CAMOUFLAGED,

BUT, I HAVE HEARD
RUSTLINGS IN THE WOODS.

RENE!

OH, HOW HANDSOME
YOU LOOK.

OH, YVETTE.

OH!

THIS IS HOW I HOPED
YOU WOULD BE ON OUR WEDDING DAY.

OH, EXCUSE ME.

IT IS THE HANDLE
OF THE COAL SCUTTLE.

THERE IS GRUBER.

QUICK, THE REST
OF MY CLOTHES.

GENTLEMEN,
YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE.

( metal clangs )

FAREWELL, RENE.

BE BRAVE, GIRLS.

DEAR GIRLS.

BEFORE PROCEEDING,

DO EITHER OF YOU WISH
TO APOLOGIZE?

I MAY HAVE BEEN
A BIT HASTY--

CERTAINLY NOT.

YOU BEHAVED
LIKE A PIG.

YOU WILL DIE
LIKE A PIG.

VERY WELL, MONSIEUR.

YOU ARE SHOWING A LOT
OF METTLE, RENE.

WHAT?

THE PISTOLS ARE LOADED.

CHOOSE.

YOU CHOOSE, MONSIEUR.

YOU WILL START
BACK TO BACK.

UPON THE COMMAND
"MARCH,"

YOU WILL WALK
10 PACES.

UPON THE COMMAND
"HALT,"

YOU WILL-- HALT.

UPON THE COMMAND
"TURN,"

YOU WILL
TURN AND FIRE.

IS THIS CLEAR?

CRYSTAL CLEAR.

RIGHT, WE MUST PROCEED.

FIRST--

MY PERSONAL
FAREWELLS.

RENE--

THE FRENCH WAY.

MONSIEUR ALPHONSE--

THANK YOU, MONSIEUR,
BUT I HARDLY KNOW YOU.

FAREWELL, EDITH.

FAREWELL, EDITH.

EDITH, I AM
TALKING TO YOU.

I AM ABOUT TO GET SHOT HERE
AND YOU TAKE NO NOTICE.

BUT I AM JUST CATCHING UP
ON THE GOSSIP.

BYE-BYE, RENE.

MARIA, YVETTE--

FAREWELL!

MADAME LAMONTAINE--

FAREWELL.

WHO'S MADAME LAMONTAINE?

SO, GENTLEMEN, LET US
TAKE UP OUR POSITIONS.

- BACK TO BACK.
- ( motorcycle approaching )

EXCUSE ME ONE MOMENT.

DEARIE ME.

BAD NEWS, LIEUTENANT?

COLONEL VON STROHM
AND CAPTAIN GEERING

HAVE BEEN ARRESTED
BY THE GESTAPO.

AND THE MANEUVERS
HAVE BEEN CANCELED.

CANCELED?

ARE THE GESTAPO
ALLOWED TO DO THIS?

I SHALL INVESTIGATE.

- QUITE RIGHT.
- AFTER THE DUEL.

DO YOU NOT THINK
YOU SHOULD DO IT RIGHT AWAY?

I MEAN WE CAN DO THIS
ANY OLD TIME.

GET ON WITH IT.

BACK TO BACK.

COCK.

YOUR HAMMER, MONSIEUR.

MARCH!

ONE, TWO, THREE,

FOUR, FIVE, SIX,

SEVEN, EIGHT,

NINE, 10, HALT!

HALT!

HALT!

HALT!

NANCY BOY!

COME BACK!

WHAT ABOUT MY HONOR?

AND MY CUSTOMERS?

( bullet ricochets )

HIS SHIRT IS TORN.

IS HE WOUNDED?

NO.

BUT I--
I CAN SEE

A DENT IN HIS
COAL SCUTTLE.

( theme music playing )