All Grown Up! (2003–2008): Season 1, Episode 9 - Brother, Can You Spare the Time - full transcript

( amateur band playing
rock arrangement )

( raucous piano solo )

What?

Four, three, two, one!

( rock intro )

♪ Every birthday,
my mom and dad would say ♪

♪ "You're another year older,
another year wiser" ♪

♪ But I still go to school
to get an education ♪

♪ I do each and every day ♪

♪ Like a mini-vacation ♪

♪ All grown up ♪



♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up ♪

♪ I want the world to know ♪

♪ All grown up ♪

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up ♪

♪ With you ♪

♪ All grown up with... you. ♪

I am Tommy Pickles.

Welcome to my life as it exists

the day after winning the Junior
Director's Chair Award

for my short film
Kaleidoscope Lunch,

my entrée into the elite world
of filmmakers extraordinaire.

This is my bed.



Maybe once I'm famous
I could pay someone to make it.

These are my best friends
and my brother, Dil.

Here are my trophies
for baseball, soccer, and...

my brother, Dil?

Auteur at work here.

Sorry.

TOMMY:
Here's my old dog...
and his father.

Ah, I remember when I planted...

Dil?

What up with this?

Quite simply, I'm capturing
my place in your history

before it's too late.

Who knows what effect
the cross-to-fame border

has on sibling symbiosis.

Earth to Dil,
translation, please.

This award
is just the beginning.

Once you're a big-time director,

the dynamic duo of T. and D.
Pickles will be no more.

All my dreams of
Pickles Brothers, Inc. dashed.

And Pickles Brothers, Inc.
was gonna do what, exactly?

Duh, make ink.

Now I guess I'll
just be the brother
that fame forgot.

Okay, Dil, this is whack.

First of all, even
if I do get famous,

who says you won't
be the brother

that got famous,
too?

Three words, T.:
Lars Christian Anderson.

Who's that?

Exactly.

Wait till you see
my robotic balloon animal maker.

( loud rattling )

( feeble squeaking )

HOST:
Okay, Mr. Me-me-me...

( woman sobbing )

CROWD:
Dump him! Dump him!
Dump him!

Hello?

Aren't we supposed
to be planning...

( whispers ):
a surprise party for Tommy?

Of course, Stu.
You're right.

I'm afraid we
got caught up in

What's Your Tragedy.

This poor gal's mutt

dragged her wedding dress
through a mud puddle,

and her bonehead mother
washed it

and threw it in the dryer...
on "High."

She has one day
to lose 18 pounds.

Okay, party planning time

for
my award-winning...

( all yell ):
Tommy?!

Uh, hi.

( audience chanting )

( audience jeering )

TOMMY:
And here, we track my growth
as a boy and an artist.

And who knows where the next
notch will find you, sweetie?

TOMMY:
And this is the artist's mom.

( laughs )
Oh...

See? Even our own mother

sees your future
as a vast unknown.

There's only one thing left
for me to do.

Join the circus, I hope.

Eventually.

But until then,
I must make the most

of our remaining time
together as brothers.

( yawns )

( screams )

What are you doing?

Not wasting a minute
of the Pickles Brotherthon.

Two of everything,

except one

double-yolk egg.

Your spork.

Let the brotherhooding
begin.

Oh, it's gonna be a long day.

This party's

gonna rock.

How cool is it that
Tommy won that award?

Remember, it is
mongo importanto

that we keep
the party a secret.

Why did they have
to tell us about it?

Why? Why? Why?

So we could help
decorate.

But you know
I'm a terrible secret-keeper.

There's lying involved,
and I'm the world's worst liar.

I'm gonna spill the beans.

I just know it.

I might as well just live here
until the party.

Good idea.
( screams )

He's coming.
Not a word.

BOTH:
Pickles Brothers, that's right,

Uh-huh, oh, yeah,
that means we're tight,

Brothers bump, brothers bend,

Pickles Brothers
till the end.

You happy now?

You're reading
a math book...

in front of Chuckie's locker?

Uh, where is Chuckie.

CHUCKIE:
Just hanging out,

not saying anything
about anything.

What's there to talk
about anyway?

Weather's nice.

Gotta go.

And, uh, what's up
with the...

whatever it is you're doing?

We're savoring
the last few inches

on the brotherhood
yardstick,

before T. is
suddenly thrust
to the other side.

Fame is funny that way.

Numero gazillion on Dil's
My-Brother-and-Me to-do list

before he's
the forgotten sibling,

lost in the shadow
of my greatness.

It's not like it hasn't happened
to brothers before.

Two words, my friends:

Gabe Ruth.

( grunts )

( cloth tearing )

Okay, Dil.

While I praise the idea
of swapping clothes

as yet another shared
brother-bonding moment,

I must point out
that hand-me-downs

are easier to maneuver in
than hand-me-ups.

I've gone along
with this so far,

but now, it's time to...

Begin our retrospective,

on the Brothers Marx, Ringling

and Doctor Joyce.

Cool it!

It's getting annoying.

You've got to get off my back.

Aha!

The first brick crumbles in
the oh-so-real imaginary wall.

Dil! Hear me loud
and clear!

Sure, it's a cool award,
okay?

But whatever you think is gonna
change between us is bogus.

Got it?

Tommy! There's a reporter
on the phone.

He wants to interview you.

Awesome.

Isn't this exciting, Dil?

TOMMY:
Remember, people.

You're kangaroos.

I'm Dil,
Tommy Pickles' brother.

Yeah, right.

( sighs )

WOMAN:
Next.

I'm sorry. I'm afraid you're
just not right for the part.

Next.

But, I, I'm...

Uh, Stone Sterling.

I want to thank

my mother, Didi,
and my father, Stu,

for their support
and inspiration.

A-and my dog, Spike,
and my other dog, Spiffy.

And, uh,

and...

oh, yeah, and my bro...

( applause and music drown out
speech )

Ooh...

I now know what I have to do.

Mmm... first get out
of this butt trap.

( grunts )

Then prepare for life
without Tommy.

DIL:
I am ready to initiate Plan E,

seeing as I never accepted B
through D as legitimate letters,

I shall learn to hang with my
fellow fourth-grade brethren.

How hard can it be
to fit in?

Ugh.

Is this seat taken?

You're ugly.

You got that right.

That was just a test to see
if Chuckie could lie, Philip.

Well, Lilian, maybe you should
have a test

where he actually has to...lie.

Yeah. May I remind you
that you look just like me...

if you had style and cute hair.

Okay, Chuckie.

Let's try it again.

( sighs )

Tell that girl her shoes
are way cool.

But I think they are cool.

They're pukey
chartreuse green.

Here she comes.
Do it.

Uh...

I think you're pukey green shoes

are cool.

Um, oh, I mean, way pukey.

I mean, oh...

( laughs )

It's no use.

I'm hopeless. Oh...

( slurping )

Aren't you the kid who thinks
the Earth

is triangular?

And walks backwards a lot.

And, like, talks to aliens.

Absolutely not.

They respond to more
of a whistle thing.

But stick with me,
and over the years,

I can teach these

and other seemingly
difficult things to you,

my new compadres,

amigos, buds.

So, my new brothas,

what say we cartwheel
to class in formation?

No... what was I thinking?

That's weird.

We'll spin.

So, remember,

Java Lava
right after school.

I'll bring
the crepe paper.

I'm color coordinating
balloons

to match
people's outfits.

Uh-oh. Ixnay

on the partay talkay.

Hey, guys, what up?

Oh, nothing.

Uh, Chuckie, what's wrong
with your face?

You look weird.

( gulps ):
Weird?

Nothing's weird, ha.

What could be weird?

I mean, it's a perfectly
normal day with no surprises.

No! Not surprises!

Who said that?

And don't come
to the Java Lava.

It's, um, closed.

We, we got,
uh,

ter-termites.

Got to get to class early.

Uh, want to get a good seat.

You almost totally
blew it.

You are so without
the sneaky, lying,
and conniving gene.

And you call yourself
an 11-year-old.

Okay, you have got
to avoid Tommy.

But what if I can't?

Hmm...

Sneaky, conniving,
and the world's best liar.

Teach him to what?!

Do you not realize
that the art of lying
is a gift,

something you are born with,

like my perfect nose?

Mm-hmm. There's
a good lie right there.

Angelica does have a genius
for it.

I still believe her every time
she swears

she'll only take a sip
of my smoothie.

Who cares about some stupid
surprise party

just because Tommy won
a dinky award?

It's not dinky, Angelica.

It means a lot to Tommy.

And this party is a way
of congratulating him.

And I just can't be
the one to ruin it!

Okay, okay.

You're lucky I'm a giver.

Plant your feet
solidly on the ground.

Look me straight in the eye.

Lose your conscience.

( blabbering )

And say it like
you mean it.

Here comes an example.

You're smart.
You'll get it.

Thanks.

Don't. That was the example.

Oh.

( all groan )

( over p.a.):
This is Miss O'Keats,
with an import...

( feedback )
Hey! Guys!

Where are you going?

( soft groan )

Hey, D.

Why the long face?

Oh. Hi, T.

It's just...
that I figured

it's time I made
some new friends,

but when I tried,
they ditched...

GIRL:
Aah!

Aren't you
Tommy Pickles?

The one they wrote about
in the paper?

Aah! You have got to come over
and meet my friends.

We will simply die if you
don't give us your autograph.

Huh? I-I'm really not...

Whoa! Whoa...!

Catch you
later, D!
Aah!

Yeah. Whatever.

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la. ♪

So, how'd it go
with Angelica?

I think you're
a very bright kid.

Success!

Now, Betty's taking care
of the smoothie fixing,

coffee beans,
and party hats.

Where is Betty?

I just used
the baldness paint spray

to cover a tiny little spot,

and I had the allergic reaction,
leaving me with this!

( horrified gasps )

I'd shave it, but...

it hurts!

( sobbing ):
It hurts!

TV AUDIENCE:
Aw...

Geez, Louise!
Talk about your losers.

♪ What's the haps ♪

♪ For Tommy's tomorrow? ♪

♪ We know our boy's
round the corner ♪

♪ From fame... ♪

Now, when Charlotte
gets here,

remember, this is
her first public appearance

since she had her work done.

So when you see her,
try not to look too surprised.

Let's just hope I don't
have to see her on
What's Your Tragedy?

( all gasp )

♪ What's the haps for ♪

♪ Tommy's tomor... ♪

♪ Row, row,
row your boat ♪

♪ Gently down the stream ♪

♪ Row, row,
row your boat ♪
♪ Merrily, merrily ♪

♪ Merrily, merrily ♪
♪ Merrily, merrily,
life is but ♪

♪ A dream, row, row ♪
♪ Merrily, merrily
life is but a dream... ♪

♪ Row your boat,
gently down the stream... ♪

( singing stops )

( chuckles ):
Hi, sweetie.

I-I thought you had
soccer practice.

I did, but I had to duck out--
I have groupies.

Can you take something
for that?

Oh, no! I-I'm not here.

( door creaks )

( relieved sighs )

Chuckie, you go back there

and keep Tommy busy
while we hide this stuff.

Then get him out of here and
bring him back to the shindig.

Me?

( door creaks )

( gasps )

Do you have any idea
what it's like

to be chased by crazy,
lovesick girls?

Oh, one of them
wanted my sock!

AUDIENCE:
Aw...
No, and ew!

MAN:
I tried mints, mouthwash,

even a professional
tongue scraping.

But no luck.
Halitosis sent her packing.

Wow! That is tragic.

AUDIENCE:
Oh...

HOST:
Whose life could be more tragic

than that, folks, huh?

I'll tell you who.

Meet Dil...

Pickles!

( both gasp )

Dil, tell our
studio audience

and viewers at home--
what's your tragedy?!

My one and only brother

has forgotten

I exist.

AUDIENCE:
Aw...!

Sorry, no admittance.

Uh, but I've got
to get in there.

I-I'm Tommy,
Dil Pickles' brother.

Yeah, right. Sorry, kid.

Okay, this is serious.

He's got to get inside
to tell his brother

that their mother's uncle,
Uncle Dil,

who he's named after,

met with an untimely
elephant accident,

and he's at the zoo infirmary

asking for little Dil.

It's touch-and-go
as we speak!

Would you deprive
a partially crushed man

his last wish
to see his great little...

uh, little great nephew?!

Would I make this up?!

Go get him.

For Uncle Dil.

Where'd you learn
to lie like that?

Eh, it's a gift.

( crying ):
But... he just didn't have time.

ALL:
Aw...

Dil!

Tommy!

( audience gasps )

Tommy, the selfish,
self-centered,

all-about-me brother?

( audience jeering )

I think they're coming.

Man your stations!

( door opens, bell dings )

ALL:
Surprise!

False alarm, people.

( all groaning )

( all gasp )

Remember, we aren't supposed
to look surprised.

( singsongy ):
She started it.

( angry murmuring )

Get out of here!
Get out of my sight!

Look, Dil,

I'm sorry
I made you feel this way.

AUDIENCE:
Aw...

But it's all
in your head.

( audience booing and shouting )

Okay, D,

I'm sorry for telling you

to get off my back,
a-and that I was
signing autographs

instead of listening
to you, okay?

ALL:
No!

Who asked you?

( all booing )

Okay, Mr. Me-Me-Me,
tell us why you launched

a campaign to have Dil's name
stricken from the family tree!

Huh? Huh?

ALL:
Huh?
Go with me.

AUDIENCE ( chanting ):
Why? Why? Why? Why?

That's not true...
( gasping )

AUDIENCE:
Why? Why? Why? Why...?

Come on, Dil,
let's get out of here.

What's it gonna
be, Dil?

Do you really need
a brother like this?

AUDIENCE ( chanting ):
Dump him! Dump him!

Dump him! Dump him!

Sorry, Tommy, after this,

I'm doing
The Dr. Ned Show segment:

"Only Child--
Like It or Lump It."

That's it!

You're coming with me.

( audience gasps )

( feedback )
Alone!

Well, uh, time to sell soap.

( audience jeering )

What do you want me
to say, Dil,

that I'm sorry
I won the award?

I can't believe
you wouldn't be happy for me.

So, what's this
really all about?

I am happy for you, T,

and really proud.

I guess... I guess...

What?

That I've always known
I see the world...

Like a giant triangle--
I know.

No. Well... yes, but no.

I'm different, Tommy.

You know?
Like, how I think.

And I guess I was worried
that if you're gone,

there won't be anyone who...

well, you know, gets me.

D, I'm not going anywhere,

a-and so you're different.

So was Einstein

and Mozart, and...

and the guy
who invented Spam.

You're the one who's gonna
make a name for himself.

You think?

I know. And I'm gonna be

right there with you
when it happens.

Brothers bump,
brothers bend,

BOTH:
Pickles brothers till the end.

Uh, guys, can we go?
They think I'm the next tragedy.

And we're already
20 minutes late

for the, uh, quilting bee...

Uh, uh, bingo, uh...
Oh, who's got time?!

You're having a surprise party!
Sorry.

Wow! Really?

Well, let's go, bro.

It wouldn't be
a surprise party

without one
of your surprises.

ALL:
Surprise!

ALL ( groaning ):
Oh...

Uh...

surprise?

ALL:
Surprise!

Got you!
You're the greatest.

Congratulations! Yay!
You always had it;
you always will.

( gasps, screams )

( plate shatters )

You look... good.

So, Chuckie,
you pulled it off.

Uh, not exactly.

I'm kind of happier
being a good truth teller.

Oh, yeah? Me, too!

You're hopeless.

Hey,

how about we work
on my next film-- together.

Pickles Brothers Productions.

♪ What's the haps ♪

♪ For Tommy's tomorrow? ♪

♪ We know our boy's
round the corner ♪

♪ From fame... ♪

I see it:
The Dil Pickles Story.

No, no, no.
Life With Dil.

No, no, wait!
My Brunch With Dil.

How about Dil, Cool It!

Not as catchy.

♪ We know ♪

♪ Our boy's round
the corner from fame ♪

♪ So listen up,
all you sisters and brothers ♪

♪ To us, T. Pickles
will still be the same. ♪

( applause )

( blubbering )

( quacking )

( boing )

Eee! Eee! Eee!

I mean, eee!