All Grown Up! (2003–2008): Season 1, Episode 10 - The Old & the Restless - full transcript

Whoa, whoa, oh, oh!

Whoa! Nice of you
to drop in, scout.

Ah, thanks, Grandpa.

They're not as
easy as they look

when Dil's on them.

Let me show you
a little trick

I learned in the war

when the bridge
I was on blew up,

leaving only 15 planks

between me and...

Life, freedom and
the American way?



Darn tootin'.

And the latrine.

Anyways, it's all
about balance

and concentration.

Now, pick a spot
on the fence,

stare at her,

and clear your mind
of everything else.

Ready?

Hey, Grandpa,

I'm doin' it. You rock!

Works every time.

Whoa, oh, oh, oh!

( crashing )

Well, a lot of the time.



( moans )

Four, three, two, one!

( rock intro playing )

♪ Every birthday,
my mom and dad would say, ♪

♪ "You're another year older,
another year wiser" ♪

♪ But I still go to school
to get an education ♪

♪ I do each
and every day ♪

♪ Like a
mini-vacation ♪

♪ All grown up ♪

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up ♪

♪ I want the world to know ♪

♪ All grown up ♪

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up with you ♪

♪ All grown up with... you. ♪

( school bell ringing )

Now, it is my pleasure
to introduce someone

who is under-appreciated,
under-loved and oft-forgotten.

No, this time it's not me.

Meet Mr. Spleen.

This...

This science club is okay.

I never felt connected
to my spleen before.

Straight up, Chuck-o.

And tomorrow,
field trip

to the way-out
Human Body Museum.

Exhibits and rides

from head to toe,
like, literally.

I am psyched.

( whispering )

Mr. Beaker, uh, dude,

Sean wants to know what
you got to do to get

one of those way-out
organ keychains.

You get one of these beauties
when you reach the toes.

Don't worry,
everyone does.

Last year we beat
another class by a foot.

Get it? Foot.

I am definitely gonna sport
that keychain with pride.

You don't have any keys.

Do you know you're

a very negative
human being?

And now for something
really breathtaking...

the lungs.

Dil! Your steamed spinach

on a bed of
chilled spinach

is getting cold.

Uh... and warm.

DIL ( in strange voice ):
West Virginia.

Dil!

What is he doing?

Last seen,
he was practicing

burping the 50 states.

Burping the...

Is that what they're
teaching him at that school?

Only on the Dil
Pickles curriculum.

But what they are doing

is letting me go
with Tommy's class today

to the Human Body Museum.

I can't wait.

The rides are supposed
to be a blast.

And you're supposed to be the
responsible adult chaperone.

Oh.

DIL ( burping ):
West Virginia...

Wisconsin...

Wyoming.

( in regular voice ):
Man, I only count 49.

Ah...

( burping ):
Alabama...

Alaska.

( others laughing )

Whole lot easier
in my day.

There weren't so gosh
darn many states.

( burps ):
Alabama.

All right, Dil.
We're at the table.

( burps ):
But...

Cool it, son.
( burps ):
Okay.

Dil! Dil!

( burping ):
Can't stop.

Good one, bro.

( burping ):
No. Really can't stop.

( gasps )

( grunting )

It's probably just
one great big one.

Mm-mm. Like when he was a baby.

( loud burp )

( burps ):
Thanks.

Stu! This could be serious.

I'll call the doctor.

You notify Mr. Beaker
that you can't go.

Who knows what this is?

Can't go?

Mom, half the science club

is counting on Dad-- my half.

Private First Class Lou
Pickles reporting for duty.

I'll be your
chaperone, Tommy.

I-If that's okay.

You kidding, Grandpa?

That'd be sweet.

With Lou-Lou off running
with the bulls in Spain,

it'll give us a
chance to spend

some quality
time together.

And don't you worry, Dil.

You'll be fine.

( burps ):
Thanks.

Are you sure
he knows it's today?

He'll be here.

( clicking tongue )

Did Sean just acknowledge
your existence?

Uh, I think so,
i-if that's what this means.

Okay, ticktock, ticktock.

Where is your grandpa, Tommy?

We do have a lot
of ground to cover.

He'll make up for it.

We are talking about the
funmeister grandpa of all time.

( tires screeching )

I'm sorry I'm late.

Couldn't find my

corn-flabbin' glasses anywhere.

( laughing )

They're on top of
your head, Grandpa.

He always does that.

I'll be a salamander's
second tail.

Glad to see you,
Mr. Pickles.

I'm Mr. Beaker.

No reason for alarm,
but we're 12 minutes late.

Can we just go now, Grandpa?

( kids complaining )

Let's go.

It's not as if
the museum's gonna

get up and walk away.

Come on, Grandpa.

This place is tight
and outta sight.

I'll go to the Wisdom Tooth
Booth for information.

It's my job

to get you kids the stuff
you're gonna need.

Now, you stay put.

But we already got...

( whistling )

I guess he didn't
see us get them.

( murmuring ):
Well, uh...

We need a sticker
from each place we go.

We get all the stickers,
we are kings of the keychains.

Score one primo
mouth sticker.

( kids groaning )

Hey, he'll be
right back, guys.

We are never gonna
make it to the toes.

...And that's
the story of the day

they wrestled out my tonsils.

( all groaning )

Or was it
my gallbladder?

Well, it was something
floating in the jar.

( yawns loudly )

Nothin' like a nice,
slow sail

through the esophagus,
I always say.

Which, in the Greek,
is Oisophagos.

( kids murmuring )

Uh, Throat Boat,
eh, that's two down.

And a gazillion to go.

They don't know
Grandpa like we do.

They'll see, once
he kicks into gear.

Uh-oh.

Should've used the little boys
room when I had the chance.

Did you empty the tank, scout?

( laughter )

Well, whatever it was, it seems
to have stopped at Kentucky.

He's normal.

Thank goodness.

Now, when you
say normal...

Thank you, doctor.

Isn't this
great news, Dil?

Wicked good.

Hear the doc.

( burps ):
Doc.

A skeleton walks into a diner,
orders a soda and a mop.

( rimshot )

( laughing )

Ha!

You the kid who made
that film at school,

When Fifth Graders Attack?

Yup, a-and the sequel,

When Sixth Graders
Attack Back.

Impressive work.

You're okay...
for a ten-year-old.

You can hang with us.

Sweet!

That's cool.

You'll never guess what I had
for dinner last night.

Ribs!
( rimshot )

( laughing )

SKELETON:
Hold on to your craniums.

This is gonna rattle your bones.

( riders screaming )

Whoa, the Spleen Scream.

Mother of all
roller coasters.

CHUCKIE:
Hey, Tommy!

Now I know why they call it
the Spleen Screeeeam!

Let's go.

We're still 12 exhibits
away from the spleen.

Hold your horses.

Got a bone to pick.

Says here, in the brochure,

that the funny bone's not
actually a bone at all.

It's, uh,
some kind of nerve.

Talk about nerve.

You're ruining my act, Pops.

( rimshot )

Not to mention,
our whole day.

Huh? What was that?

Crank up the
hearing aid, fossil.

Man, the Spleen Scream

is one more fun thing
we won't be doing today,

which also means we can say
adios to our keychains.

I know.

Bringing Grandpa Lou
wasn't exactly a great idea.

What was Tommy
thinking?

( siren wailing )

DIL ( burping ):
M... R...

E... I.

Hmm. The best route
seems to be...

Uh, this way. Moving on.

Whoa! Slow it down,
there, slugger.

We're whizzing
right by the heart exhibit.

It's busted, so...
we can go. Now.

Well, it's one less
sticker we got to get.

I love a technicality.

Bet it's pretty
cool in there.

That's off-limits.

Come on, fellas.

And that's what
makes the appendix

one of the most
impressive,

yet utterly
useless organs.

Where you guys been?

Pretty much nowhere.

And it's been a zero
on the gross-o-meter.

Guys, we totally
caught up. Check it out.

Tommy, I don't know
how to tell you this,

but I guess plain English
is the best way.

Uh... we lapped ya.

( all groaning )

I'm giving
this one to Kimi,

'cause she's a good kid-ney.

( giggling ):
Get it?

Kid-ney.

Okay, off to the thigh.

Yeah, we may be slow,

but at least we're not catching
bad-joke Beakeritis.

Hey, guys, it's not too late.

A-and Grandpa's moving
a little faster.

In case
you haven't noticed.

( yawning )

I am pooped.

We could all use a rest
anyway, right?

KIDS:
No...!

You look rested
to me, Grandpa.

Uh, let's go, an-and

maybe from now on,
you can just give us

the best of, instead of reading
the entire pamphlet, okay?

Oh, really? Huh.

Thought it was my job.

And a fine job
you've done.

Well... Oop!

( burping )

( burps )

( gasps )

( chuckling )

Burning Stomach's
the second best ride.

Now, these straps remind me
of when we parachuted

smack-dab in the middle
of an enemy fort,

where they were having,

of all things,
a potluck dinner.

Um, hey, Grandpa,
they can't start the ride

until everyone's strapped in.

( kids groaning and grumbling )

Come on, Grandpa.
Maybe we should
sit this one out.

Huh?

I, I, I was just getting
to the good part.

I've heard that old war story
a million times.

Could, could you at least
tell one from this century?

I thought you liked
my stories, scout.

And can you please
not call me that?

Scout?

Well, I've
always called you that.

Listen, Grandpa,

you-you're going to have
to get with the program,

like, like, pick up the pace,

and stop messing
with your hearing aid,

and stop, kind of...

Kind of what?

Uh, stop doing
all your weird stuff.

Grandpa, you're...
you're totally embarrassing me.

Well, if I'm embarrassing
you so much,

maybe I shouldn't have offered
to help out in the first place.

I just meant,
you're acting so, so...

Old?

Well excuse me
for living.

Grandpa...

Maybe I'm not as spry
as I used to be.

Maybe my hearing isn't
what it once was.

Fact is, I am old,

and there's nothing
I can do about it.

It's just that... my friends...

Save it.

No time for your stories
right now, either.

We're moving out!

( marching style drumming )

No dilly-dallying, folks.

Got a lot of body to cover
and not much time.

Fast enough for ya, Thomas.

All right, Pickles.

Way to push the fast-forward
button on your grandpa.

Yeah.

We're catching up fast.

Yeah, but it'd be nice

if we could at least stop
and smell the mucous.

This is the left lung.

Right one looks just the same.

Moving on.

Go, go, go, go!

Ah!

Grandpa, maybe we could
slow down just a little.

You don't say.

GRANDPA:
Whee-hee-hee! Whoo-ha-ha! Hey!

GRANDPA:
Whoo-hoo!

Ooh! Ow!

You okay, Grandpa?

My sacroiliac.

I just need to sit down
for a minute.

Our dreams of making it

to the toes just crashed
and burned.

Time to ditch.

You coming, Pickles?

Uh, we can't leave.

He'll be fine.

Just give him a minute.

( laughing )

Well, it's not the first time

I nearly threw
my gosh-darn back out.

I remember once,
when I was chasing Tommy,

he'd just ripped his diaper off,
see,

and he was heading
for the front yard. Ho, ho.

You should've seen those
cute little butt cheeks

flapping in the wind.

( laughing )

That tears it.

Let's go.

GRANDPA LOU:
And that's when
he learned

that bare buns
and rosebushes don't mix.

But I thought the whole idea
was to get to the toes faster.

Yeah. And without
your gramps, we will.

We just want
to check this out first.

But we're not allowed in there.

Not allowed is
what we do best.

Looks dangerous
and boring, so...

I say it's cool.

Uh, that doesn't
look very... Watch it!

Whoa! Whoa!

Oh, man.

BOTH:
Huh, uh, uh.

Where can we find
Dr. Cartunian?

Dr. Davis sent our son
to him for tests.

He's headed into surgery.

What?!
Surgery?!

Ooh, the leg was worse
than we thought.

Leg?!

Dil!
Dil!

( straining )

I could use some help.

You want to get out of here,
or what?

I don't do manual labor.

( grunting )

My grandpa taught me

the old leverage trick

when we built my tree house.

Nice shot.

Yeah, learned it from
the Fishing Channel.

It was on a lot in our house
when I was growing up.

( grunting )

Yeah, and I can guess
who was watching it.

The geezer, right?

You know what, Sean?

My grandpa may do embarrassing
stuff sometimes,

but he's still my grandpa,
so shut your pie hole.

( gulps )

Well, what do we
do about that?

Pick a spot,

stare at it,

clear your mind.

What's that going to do?

You heard Tommy.
Shut it, Sean.

Let the kid work.

( grunts )

Got it. Whoa.

( grunting )

Big enough to be

from a giraffe,
or a-a, uh, flamingo.

( chuckles )

Tommy's got to see this.

Where'd you say he was again?

Saliva Slip Fountain.
Uh, Voice Ladder.

Come to think of it,
where are those older boys?

All right,

let's move it out, troops!

We've got a recon mission.

( panting )

Stop!
No!

Please, tell me
you're Dr. Cartunian.

There's nothing wrong
with his leg!

Oops, sorry.

Have a nice... day!

I think you're looking
for the other Dr. Cartunian,

my father.

Try the cafeteria.

Oh, where can they be?

We've looked from
the head to the feet.

That's way too soon
to admit defeat.

( heart beating )
We'll find them.

Wait a goldarned minute here.

If that heart exhibit's
on the fritz,

why is it beating?

( heart beating )
( grunting )

It's not working.

Any more big ideas,
Mr. Filmmaker?

I'm too young, cool
and popular to die.

GRANDPA:
Tommy boy,

you in there?

Grandpa,
we're trapped.

The valve door is stuck.

Well, cool
your jets, scout.

We'll get you out.

Oh, man, you found us!

Thanks, and, uh, hurry!

Again with the hurry.

What's with you
whippersnappers?

Shouldn't you get help?

You go.

( hissing )

I got to stay here
before she blows.

Looks like you fellas
are in the left ventricle.

Should be a pulmonary artery
opening somewhere behind ya.

Found it!

But it's really small.

You're gonna have
to combat-crawl

like I did to get out
of that fort

during the war.
Remember?

Follow me, guys.

We're almost out.

( grunting ):
Just keep going.

( rumbling )

SEAN:
What's happening?

Hold on, kids!
I'm coming in.

I'll get to ya.

Hey, Grandpa,

isn't this just
like the sewer pipe

your platoon
escaped through?

Well, I'll be. Sure is.

( chuckles ):
Only smells better.

Okay, that escape took
perfect synchronization.

Now, one, two, three...

...crawl!

( grunting )

One, two, three, crawl!

GRANDPA and TOMMY:
One, two, three,

go!

( shivering )

Okay. I'm glad

you tell war stories.

Good. 'Cause there's
a whole lot more

where that one came from.

( Mom and Dad panting )

Dil!
Dil!

Mom! Dad!

Of all the people,
at this table,

which one is totally burp-free?

Me!

This doc's the doc!

That's wonderful.

Thank you,
Dr. Cartunian,

uh... Senior.

( chuckles ):
Yeah. How'd you do it?

Cabbage and syrup?

Geez, Dil, that's odd,
even for you.

CARTUNIAN:
That's how I did it.

Works every time.

Still, one can't help
but wonder

how you stumbled upon this
effective yet scrumptious cure.

When you've been around
as long as I have,

you have time to try
just about everything.

Well he's cured,
and that's all
that matters.

Right, Dil?

( burps ):
Alaska. ( gasps )

Kidding!

Cool. Now I have
a liver inside and out.

Love the keychain.

Good. But you
still need a key.

There's time for one more ride
on the Spleen Scream.

( riders laughing
and screaming )

Let's go, scout.

It's what you've been
waiting for, right?

Uh, Grandpa, there's actually
something I'd rather do.

So, once you got your company
out of the sewage pipe...

The enemy was everywhere.

We were surrounded.

Had to think fast on my feet

to get out of that pickle.

( both laughing )

( jabbering )

( quacking, boing )

It's biologically impossible
for girls to fart.