Alias Smith and Jones (1971–1973): Season 3, Episode 12 - Only Three to a Bed - full transcript

I tell you it's like eatin' apple pie.

A couple of weeks work for easy money.

Now come on, say yes.

Cutting out 20 wild horses?

Green young colts.

Worth 50, 60 dollars a head in Cheyenne.

I guess all we need 's a couple of lumps of sugar.

You not need nothing.

Why, there must be 100 - 150 head in that herd.

Well, you just throw your rope,

you gotta catch something.



Kind of like fishing in your own bathtub, huh, Bronc?

Right!

Now,

you boys been setting quite a pace

staying out of reach of the short arm of the law.

And Piney Basin's a

mighty pretty spot for a little vacation.

Bronc,

you finally came up with the right word:

vacation.

Hannibal Heyes and Kid Curry.

The two most successful outlaws
in the history of the West.

And in all the trains and banks they robbed,
they never shot anyone.

This made our two
Kansas cousins very popular.



With everyone
but the railroads and the banks.

One thing we gotta get Heyes.
What's that?

Outta this business.

The governor can't come flat out
and give you amnesty now.

First you gotta prove you deserve it.

Lom, are you saying that all
we have to do is stay out of trouble

until the governor figures
that we deserved amnesty?

And in the meantime
we'll still be wanted?

That's true.

Till then only you, me and the governor
will know about it.

It'll be our secret.

That's a good deal?

I sure wish the governor would let a
few more people in on our secret.

Now, that's the price, gentlemen, 50 cents a bed.

Of course, if you want to save,

you can bunk up.

I allow 3 to a bed.

We'll each have a bed to ourselves.

If that's the way you want it,

I happen to have exactly 3 extra beds.

Yeah, it's a vacation.

Who does the cooking?

My daughter Belle here.

Yeah, missus went to heaven six years ago last

Tuesday.

Well, up this way, gents.

I see you've got a corral out there.

I'd like to rent that too a couple of weeks.

You're gonna be needing a corral?

Yeah, we're gonna be bringing in 20 horses from that wild herd of Piney Basin.

Corral's a dollar a day.

A dollar?

When it's only 50 cents for a room, tub and bath?

Now, that's right because room, tub and bath ain't gonna cost me any trouble

or damages.

What trouble?

What damages?

Well, like say

broken windows or

bullet holes in the furniture,

such like.

Look Mr. Haney, why don't you just tell us straight out what you're getting at?

Well, there's a very fine man here name of Mark Tisdale.

He owns the Star and Bar, that's the biggest spread in these parts.

And he claims Piney Basin as a part of his range.

But the man's crazy.

Piney Basin's open range, public domain.

I can prove it by the record books.

Right.
Right.

Right,

but Tisdale claims it under the rule of customary range.

And folks in these parts oblige him.

So, to his way of thinking those horses aren't wild,

they're his horses

running on his range.

Incidentally, if one of you gets shot

there'll be an extra charge for laying in care and medicines.

Vacation.

Come on, Heyes, what's the matter with you - half asleep?

Kid, you bring that sugar?

Well, I promised you boys, easy work and no trouble.

I don't think there's an inch of me that ain't sore.

Yeah, with 3 a day that's what, 6 and a half days?

Yeah, well I couldn't last seven.

Grossly, we got to figure about a week to break 'em.

Oh, I don't want no supper.

I'm gonna get me a hot tub and just bunk out.

You know, Heyes, blowin? safes has sure made a sissy out of you.

Yup, I'm going right to bed.

Yeah, you going to bed, Heyes.
You'll be okay in the morning.

Thanks, but I'm feeling better right now.

Hey, did you see that, Kid?
I think she winked at me.

Yeah, I saw, it she did.

But it was at me.

What makes you two fellows think she wasn't winking at me?

Here's some more corn, folks.

There's more of everything in the kitchen.

Just eat all you want.

I made a few appearances at the Variety Hall in Billings.

Now I'm on my way to perform at the Palace Theater in Cheyenne.

It's right next door to the Cheyenne Club.

High class placements, real rich man's rank.

That's why I'm going there.

The men in Billings just didn't appreciate music.

I love it myself.

Maybe after dinner you could sing us a song.

I'm afraid the stagecoach is leaving as soon as we eat.

Folks, we only got three hours to make it to Sheridan before dark.

The good Lord forgive us, you

you don't even allow us a moment to say grace.

Are you a hand here, Mr. Smith?

Just bordin'.

Me and my partners are rounding up a few wild horses to sell in Cheyenne.

Maybe enough to get in the palace and buy you a drink.

To be right with you, Mr. Smith,

I don't have the job yet.

I gotta thing for 'em first.

Could I ask you your first name, Miss Beegee?

That's it - Beegee.

Well, then could I ask you your last name?

Oh, that's why I'm going to Cheyenne, Mr. Smith.

To fill that last part in.

Scouting a husband, huh?

There's not a man that's safe.

Could I ask where you're from, Miss Sterling?

Kansas originally.

Are you really?
So am I.

Are you headed to Cheyenne?

No, Sheridan.

Sheridan's a nice little town.

You planning on settling in there?

Please, excuse my sister from conversation, Mr. Jones,

but as you heard we have to finish our so that we could be on our way.

In fact,

time is up folks.

Everybody on board of the coach right now, please.

Miss Sterling.

Come along, Emma.

Goodbye, Mr. Jones.

Board.

Everybody get on.

Goodbye, Miss Beegee.

Goodbye, boys.

Bye, Miss Beegee.

Goodbye, Miss Sterling.

Goodbye, Mr. Jones.

Feeling better, Heyes?

Oh, all the aches and pains are coming back, Kid.

I'm going to bed.

Keep curling that rope, Curry.

That's it, that's it.

Come on.

All right, drop it!

Didn't your mom ever tell you not to play with guns?

I never saw anything like that.

You could have killed me.

Nah, I gotta throw the small ones back.

Mr. Tisdale?

We brought your boy back, sir,
alive.

We like to think he was out there shooting at rabbits.

We don't want any trouble.

He was shooting at thieves.

Trespassing on my property,

rustling my horses.

They ain't your horses.

They're wild horses, unbranded and running on open range.

You've got more horses down there than you use in five years.

We aim to take just 20 of them.

Oh, no, you ain't.
We'll kill you first.

I don't know where you fellas are from,

but we got something on here Montana called courtesy of the range.

Now this has been my range ever since I drove the last Indian out, fellas.

And Piney Basin is part of it.

I never branded them horses, 'cause I had no reason to brand them.

Everybody knows they're my property, they belong to me.

Them horses is descended from Army runaways.

Look, when I need horse, I go down and I get what I want.

I'll bring 'em up, I break 'em, I brand 'em and I use 'em.

Need more horses, I go down and I get more horses.

Now, I ain't got no more to say.

The next time the shootin? will be to kill.

Sorry, you feel that way, sir.

Because we don't intend to be run off for you or anybody else.

I'm through arguing.

Now, ride out of here before I blow your thievin? heads off!

And stay off my ranch!

Well now, we just might be obliging you,

if we thought we is hurtin' you.

But I just don't think you'll miss those 20 heads.

So, we won't be arguing with you either,

unless you want it that way.

Good day, sir.

Man 's a crazy, stubborn old fool.

Bronc, how long you gonna keep grumblin'?

'tis the gift to be free,

'tis the gift to come down
where we ought to be,

And when we find ourselves
in the place just right

'twill be in the valley
of love and delight.

When true simplicity is gained,

to bow and to bend we will not be ashamed.

To turn to turn will be our delight,

and by turning, turning
we come 'round right.

That music sounds right good, Miss Beegee.

Folks' stage broke down.

And you know something?
That piano hasn't been played like that

since the missus passed away.

Which reminds me, Belle, you got work to do in the kitchen.

What happened, Beegee?

Stagecoach just gave out.
Broken axle or something.

The driver went on to Sheridan
to get some help or a new coach.

Gonna be with us a spell, huh?

Afraid so.

Mr. Haney had to make new sleeping arrangements.

Miss Sterling and I will take one bed.

You Mr. Smith, Mr. Jones and Mr. Bronc a bed.

And Mr. Sterling a bed all to himself?

I never sleep with anyone unless absolutely necessary.

Oh, when necessary.

I feel the same way too, absolutely.

Right.
Absolutely.

But there won't ever be three in one bed.

One of us is always going to be out there, guarding them horses.

I don't care what you say.
A man like Tisdale don't back down easy.

Now, I'll take the first watch right after supper,

then you, Thaddeus,

then Joshua.

Four hours apiece.

Why, Mr. Jones you're so graceful for an outdoor man.

Dance real good.
Now where'd you learn that?

Daddy taught me.

Here's more punch, folks.
Come help yourselves.

Say would you mind?

I haven't danced with Belle since she was knee-high to a yearling calf.

Thank you, Belle.

Sorry, Thaddeus,

my turn.

Sure, we're sparking up my partner there.

I play a floating game, Mr. Smith,

unless you object.

Oh, no objections,

just complaints.
There's a difference.

Yes, there is.

Would you care to dance, Miss Sterling?

My sister doesn't dance.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Could I get you a glass of punch, ma'am?

No, thank you, Mr. Jones.

Doing what you do, Mr. Jones,

bronco busting I believe is the term,

I'm certain one must often fall on one's head.

But surely there's enough gray matter left in your skull

to give you an inkling that my sister
finds your overtures offensive.

I didn't get all that your brother said,
but I did understand the last word offensive

And I'm truly sorry, Miss Sterling.

When a maiden suggests

a stroll 'neath the moon

with that soft witching spell

all about it.

Do you hem, do you haw,

'till she's gone all too soon?

Well, maybe you do,

but I doubt it.

If her shy little hand
nestled snug in your own,

with that nice tingling magic

about it.

Do you squeeze,

do you tease

or just leave her alone?

Well, maybe you do,

but I doubt it.

Well, maybe you do

and maybe it's true,

but knowing 'bout you,

I doubt it.

Real nice.

Hey, Thaddeus,

it's your turn of watch.

Besides, this party needs some fiddelin'.

Oh, Belle, honey,

you know I think it's time to say goodnight.

Oh, pa...

Oh, come on now.
I'm gonna turn in, too.

Folks thank you for a grand evening.
Good night.

Bronc, that was some fiddelin'.

I haven't danced like that in a bundle of years.

I hope you stay forever.

Good night.

Bronc, you must be tired after standing that long watch.

Not necessarily.

Well, I reckon I'm kinda tuckered out.

Guess it must have been that fiddelin' I've done.

G'night, Miss Beegee.
G'night, Bronc.

Sit on the sofa?

Game of chance?
Dealers choice.

Of course.

But I'm talking poker, Mr. Smith.

So,

I ran away from my daddy's dry goods store to become a famous singer.

I'll stand pat.

Then why are you so keen on getting a husband.

Come now, Mr. Smith,

you heard me sing.

Oh, yes.

I'll take one card.

I bet five.

I'll just...
call.

Flush.

Doggone you beat me again.

Nice night.

Warm.

It's so stuffy inside.

I couldn't sleep.

Went to bed too early.

My brother and I always retire early.

Did you get all dressed up just to come out and get a bit of fresh air?

Well, I...I couldn't come see you in my night clothes, Mr. Jones.

You came to see me?

Yes, sir I did.

To apologize for my extreme and uncalled-for rudeness.

Miss Sterling,

it's my nature. Kind of ride right into things, so I'm used to getting slapped down.

Think nothing of it.

Well, your dad should have closed that store
and just let you play poker, Beegee.

I'll take three cards.

I'll check it to you.

I've bet eight.

And I call.

I warned you.

It was your brother that was rude, ma'am, not you.

Only looking out for me.

He knows I don't know how to dance.

I've never even been to a dance before.

My brother is so devout.

He's a wonderful man.

Dancing is against our beliefs.

Myself, I see no sin in it.

It was nice watching you and your friends have a good time.

Well, I'm only sorry you couldn't join us.

So, am I.

You've played quite a game of poker, Beegee.

Thank you, sir.

Not at all, ma'am.

I've never seen a paste card artist who could cheat as good as you.

Of course, they don't have your big brown eyes to distract a man.

Why, Mr. Smith,

you are no gentleman.

If you thought I was cheating,

you should have called me on it at the time, so I could prove that I wasn't.

Oh, why? It's a pleasure to watch an artist and you're a real artist.

Of course, when you do the cramp you

put a little too much a bend in 'em.

You can stack the bottom just as good as I can.

Oh, don't be mad.

Oh, I'm never mad, Mr. Smith.

I just need my beauty rest.

Well,

good night, Mr. Jones.

You do accept my apology?

Of course.

Thank you.

I can't sleep with anyone unless absolutely necessary.

Wouldn't you give a goose to know

what that one would consider absolutely necessary?

I'm supposed to be walking in my sleep.

I hope, Mr. Smith, that

you weren't thinking that I'd come down here in the middle of the night

just to see you.

Yeah, I was.

Well,

I hope this won't shock you too much, but

do you have a cigarette?

Oh, I only smoke cigars.

Well, that's one thing I've learned.

You know all about me.

All I know about you is

you only smoke cigars.

I'm married and I've got 12 children.

Sure.

Why aren't you married, Mr. Smith?

Getting a little long in the tooth for that cowboy stuff, aren't you?

Not, if I eat proper and get my rest I can keep up with the rest of the boys.

You're a family man.
I can always spot 'em.

Better get to it, Mr. Smith.

Never met anyone I liked well enough to give all this up for.

Give all what up for?

Working your tail sore,

roping wild stallions, eatin' whatever, wherever...

sleeping three in a bed?

Mister, you haven't the faintest idea what living is.

Don't you remember your ma and pa

happy at the end of the day by the fireplace together,

laughing,

doing the dishes or

cozy in bed looking out to the snow.

Yeah, I remember my dad getting his tail sore working

and he hated snow.

Why are you fighting it so hard?

I'm serious, Joshua.

Beegee, I got no money,

no ranch, haven't even got a lean-to, so

just rest yourself up for the dudes at the Cheyenne Club.

Money doesn't come first with me anymore?

When I started out maybe that's all I had in mind?

Of course,

I could have married rich.

But once I got loose from behind that store counter and started

breathing free and really living life.

Well, I just

couldn't let myself get fenced in by just

any old rich fool.

It's just my luck.

I got to like the fella.

Beegee,

I'm afraid you've drawn to an inside straight.

Oh, it's that bad?

Maybe worse.

Well, it's rotten from both of us.

You see?

But I couldn't do this if I was married.

Come on, Heyes, what's the matter with you?

Ride on, Joshua, ride 'em.
Hold his head down.

Stay on!

Watch it, Joshua!

Hang on!

Hold on now, don?t let him tow ya.

That?s money in the bank, boy.

Hang on!

That's it.
He's tamed.

What do you think of that, Belle?

Ain?t that something?

Who's that out there?

Hold it right there!

Boys!

Git boys!

Thaddeus, Joshua!

Boys come out here.

Joshua! Thaddeus!
Come out here.

Look at Belle for me, will you please?

Keep away from the windows.

Bronc, where are you?

Mr. Tisdale, you look like a reasonable man,

but after last night and all your new friends here, I don't know...

I do.

We have nine horses.

eleven more and we'll have our...
You had nine!

Have nine, Mr. Tisdale.

We're gonna get 'em back, because we've already got 'em saddle broke.

The talking is over, mister.

I rode into Billings and I told the sheriff about my horses being stolen.

Then I hired these men and he deputized 'em.

So, I want you to step down.

Now get off those horses, you're under arrest.

You heard, Mr. Tisdale.

Step down.

Just...
what are we being arrested for?

For stealing horses and trespassing.

Now, you can't steal something that don't belong to anybody.

And I didn't notice any no trespassing signs on Mr. Tisdale's ranch.

So, I don't think we'll be getting down.

I said, you're under arrest.

Now, step down.

Like Mr. Tisdale said,

the talking's over.

Mister, I don't step down just because somebody tells me to,

unless I see a good reason.

Like a man's pointing a gun at me.

I noticed you being nice and cautious with the one you're wearing

which I admire you for.

If I gotta draw this gun to get you down off that horse,

real glad to oblige you.

And now I'm sorry to hear you say that.

'Cause I don't think me and my friends are gonna be leaving our saddles right now.

Starting with you, pull your gun out and throw it in that trough.

Would you like me to do it for you?

Now you.

Your turn.

Hold on!

Don't let 'em throw you.

Ride on, Thaddeus, ride on!

Watch it, Joshua!

Hang on!

You all right?

He's all right.

Close.

I could use a little encouragement too, you know.

You?
You're deaf, dumb and blind, Joshua.

It's too late now. I decided you're not the one for me.

How do you like my boy?

My, my...

Watch out, Joshua!
Hang on!

I'll catch you.

G'afternoon, folks.

Wanted to say how sorry I was about the delay,
but I see you be extraordinary entertained.

How are the plans?
When do we travel?

I'm sorry to say it, Mr. Sterling, but that coach couldn't be fixed.

I'm riding on into Billings to pick up a new one.

When will you be back?

Be back tomorrow morning.

I didn't even hear you.

That's bad.

I didn't mean to startle you.

That's even worse.

I came to say goodbye.

Why? You still be here when we're having breakfast tomorrow, won't you?

Yes.

But tomorrow when we say goodbye,

I won't be able to say goodbye the way I want to say it,

because my brother will be there.

He doesn't approve of you or your friend.

He's honest about it.

It's only because he doesn't know you.

I feel I do...

a little

and I wanted the chance to tell you that

it's been a wonderful experience:

knowing you -

a little.

You've been so kind and gentle towards me.

It'd be hard to treat you any other way, Emma.

Thank you.

Anyway, that's why I'm here,

to ask you not to misunderstand when I say goodbye tomorrow.

I won't really feel the way,

the way it'll look to you.

I'm glad you're here now.

Well,

goodbye, Mr. Jones.

Take good care of yourself.

I wish you success in your venture with the horses.

Thank you again for your kindness.

Emma.

Don't go.

You know, if you hadn't come here now

and we had said goodbye tomorrow,

it might have been a pretty shocking experience for your brother.

Shocking?

I'm afraid so.

I was sitting here five minutes ago
thinking about you,

and wondering what I would do

when we had to say goodbye.

And if you hadn't come here now,

I might have said goodbye tomorrow

like this.

You know something, Emma?
I was a little worried about you.

Worried that your brother might scare you away from

well, from what life is all about.

But, you know, I'm not worried anymore.

You're gonna find your own way, it's gonna be all right.

Thank you, Thaddeus.

I'm worried about that some myself.

I don't think I will anymore.

Goodbye

and thank you.

God bless you.

You know that was real sweet,

it really was.

I'll be...

You know, I think I'm going deaf.

That's not good.

You could have had me and the horses.

Fortunately, I don't want the horses.

I don't know about you, though.

Beegee,

you making a play for me?

That's a woman's prerogative, Thaddeus.

It's the only thing that keeps the world turning.

What about you and my friend Joshua?

Your friend Smith has grown up off-schedule.

What he needs is a good woman,

a wife,

only he's too stupid to face it.

Now, you...

I know you got more sense,

more maturity than he has, am I right?

Oh, yeah.

Just makes me happy that you finally spotted it.

That's the way I like people to think of me, not some old

tumbleweed like Smith.

I thought you two were such good friends?

Oh, we try to be but I always end up with his girls.

It's not my fault the women find me...

well, you know I'm sure you must have felt it...a kind of...

magic, I guess.

Oh, I felt it.

When I first met you.

It kind of scared me off at first, though.

But...

I'll be leaving tomorrow and

when I say goodbye to you tomorrow, I...

won't be able to say goodbye the way I want to say goodbye, so

here I am.

You're gonna spoil me for all other men.

I know.

But least you'll know what it's supposed to be like.

Just holler when the coach comes, folks.

Goodbye, Miss Sterling.

Goodbye, Mr. Jones.

Goodbye, Beegee.

Goodbye.

Thank you for showing me how it's supposed to be.

How what's supposed to be?

Forget it.

Hi again.

Have a nice day?

Beegee, what are you doing here?

Beegee,

I told you straight out.

No offense, but

there's nothing that...

Joshua,

as I said before,

uh well, never mind.

Beegee, I hope I didn't say or

do anything that...

Thaddeus, what I didn't say to Joshua just now,

also goes for you.

It had something to do with

conceited ninnies.

Oh, Joshua, I think I'll go up and wash my hands.

On the other hand,

what makes you think conceited ninnies don't turn me to jelly?

I was getting on the stage when a little voice said to me:

Beegee,

it's nice here.

You like it.

So why leave?

You know fellas,

that voice sounded a lot like Lady Luck to me.

I think we ought to rest up today and then early start tomorrow.

We ought to start now.

It ain't gonna be easy getting all 'em colts to Cheyenne.

Why don't we try seeing how much we can get for 'em in Sheridan?

Save ourselves a couple hundred miles.

Sam.

Those horse thieves in there?

It's Tisdale.

I wanna talk to 'em.
I'm alone out there.

Mornin' Mark.

Mornin' Sam.

What can we do for you, Mr. Tisdale?

I came about my horses.

Now, if you fellas want to keep 'em

the price you're gonna have to pay for 'em is my life.

I've come to get 'em, and you're gonna have to kill me to keep 'em.

Mr. Tisdale,

Talking it over, mister.

This land is public domain - God the Lord said no one can buy it.

But what kind of fools made such a law?

Men in Washington DC that never even seen what these high planes look like.

Farmers who think that 160 acres is a big homestead.

Why here in Montana a man 'd starve to death on a thousand acres.

But just don't come quoting farmers' laws to a cattle man.

Draw your guns now

or draw 'em, when I'm getting my horses.

Such as sure as there's a God in heaven

I'd rather be dead than to let you steal my stock from me.

Ten years ago, my men would have been lined up right here beside me.

But times haven't changed for me.

I'm gonna fight you.

I'm not so old or so blind that I can't still use this gun.

Mark, those horses aren't worth what you're doing.

They are to me.

Mr. Tisdale,

could I make a suggestion?

I don't know you woman.

Sometimes outsiders can look in and spot

maybe a way, insiders aren't able to figure.

Would you listen to me for just a second?

Then if you think I'm crazy,
tell me I'm crazy.

It won't be the first time.

The fellas have put an awful lot of effort
into those horses they broke all 20 of them.

Hard, sweaty work.
I can tell you, I watched 'em.

Now they have to drive him all the way to Cheyenne

and sell them for 45, 50 dollars a head.

Three men handling 20 horses on a trip that long is not gonna be easy.

Might lose a few.

Might even lose them all.

So, Mr. Tisdale, why don't you buy the horses?

Just for the work the fellows have put into them.

I'm sure they'd be more than happy not to have to make that trip.

$20 a head?

You are crazy, you want me to buy my own horses back.

No, sir.

I'm suggesting that you make an offer
just for the work that's been done on them.

Miss Beegee,

I think we ought to have a say in this, if you don't mind.

Sure.
What you're say?

Say it.

Wouldn't you rather have your money now
and go about some new business?

I'd take that offer, if it were made.

So would I.

All right,

I reckon I would too,
if the offer was made to us.

Sound fair to you, Mr. Tisdale?

It doesn't sound like a bad deal to me, Mark.

I think you oughta take it.

I'll send my man over after the horses.

And I'll be back in here later with the

money that you fellows got coming for your work.

But I don't want nothing said about that money now that understood?

Yes, sir.

Understood.

We're gonna miss you, Belle.

I'm gonna miss you, too.

Come on, Beegee, where's your luggage?

I'm not leaving.

Did you hear that little voice again?

Clear as a bell.

We're gonna miss her, Sam.

Would you like us to just take her along with us?

Nope.

That's 'cos Sam's the one who asked me to stay

Don't you draw any inside straights, Beegee.

You fellas as surprised by their development as I am?

I think the word is relieved, not surprised.

Well, I'm not surprised.

There's nothing that girl might do 'd surprise me.

I'm just wondering how she trapped him.

No, Haney seemed to be a right sensible fella.

I think it was Haney that did the trappin', not Beegee.

And a right sensible move it was too, in my opinion.

Think you're right about that, Heyes.

You're also right about the word.

I'm not half as surprised as I am relieved.

You know something?

She did have a nice little dimple.

Well, I once knew a fella who fell in love with a nice little dimple

and made the mistake of marrying the whole girl.