Alfred Hitchcock Presents (1955–1962): Season 7, Episode 37 - The Big Kick - full transcript

Good evening ladies and gentlemen,

I'm sure you antique addicts,

recognize this as an early
american television set,

the stereoscope,

naturally this was long before,

the invention of flop over linear
distortion, and the hard sell,

there are some 19th
century authorities,

who claim to know of instances of
distortion, and flop over,

but these only occurred
when the stereoscope,

was used in conjunction with hard cider,

the stereoscope was followed by an
improvement called paid stereoscope,



you know it, as the
penny arcade,

so much for the days when a man was
satisfied with one spinning wheel,

and didn't need four and a spare,

now let us turn to more modern times,

but to ease the transition,

this timeless admonition.

THE BIG KICK

Hey,

hey you in there,

pipe down.

Hey, something's bugging you lady?

Where's miss Baker?

Judy?

she's out.



-You a friend of hers? -Yeah, like we're
studying music together, you dig.

Music?

well I don't want that racket
around here.

Solid lady.

You sure she's out?

You take my word for
it lady,

that chick is way, way out.

Well I hope she's looking for a job,

I'm giving her till Saturday to pay off the
back rent she owes me.

I'll clue her.

And remember, no more
noise.

I dig lady.

Hey,

it'll be quiet as Mouseville.

Crazy.

Hey honey,

honey you can fall out now.

-She's gone?
-Gone.

That old hag is nowhere.

All right don't make funnies,

you heard what she said about the rent.

Hey that's Saturday
something will break by then.

Yeah it's gonna be me
if I don't get some food.

I'll take a look in the refrigerator,

Milksville,

oh that's a drag.

Have we got anything else?

Yeah,

hey I have some peanuts.

Peanuts?

what do you think I am a pigeon?

Pigeon?

oh no baby you're not a pigeon,

you're a chick huh,

my chicken.

Oh my baby whenever I'm around you...

I mean...

Okay,

go put your face on and we'll scuff.

Scoff?

Eat,

hey you haven't been studying
your lessons,

now how do you expect to make the scene,

with the natives if you
don't know the language huh?

And how you expect to eat if you don't
have any money?

Ah true,

but I forgot to clue you in,

Bruce is having a bash down at his pad
plenty of food and plenty of action,

-digg it.
-I dig, see?

Put your teeth in...

I call this one: Diagnosis,

you say your name is society and you
think you're sick,

sit down, patient,

and I'll examine you,

uh-huh,

just what I thought,

that complexion of yours, gray is a
flophouse bed sheet,

your breath reeking
of smog and sewer gas,

headaches what do you
expect with nothing but,

cash registers clanging
inside your empty skull?

of course your stomach hurts,

you've swallowed too many dreams,

too many hopes and turned
them into one gigantic ulcer,

look out,

your hands are trembling, any minute now,

and you may drop a bomb,

I've got news for you society,
you're not sick, you're dead,

and I'm going to bury you
and dance the twist on your grave.

You hungry man?

Take me to your feeder.

Oh man is this all you have?
-Relax we got a catering service,

looks like it's arrived.

Hey Kahn, how are you?
here we are,

-juice.
-Hey man, is that all your brought?

Yeah but that's not all I got,

serve yourself.

Look at this coleslaw.

Okay pickles.
-Ppickles.

-More pickles. -Oh hey man you
forgot the mustard. -Inside.

Hey look at this,

-Breadsville. -Ah now Meatsville where is it?
-Back here.

Hey man, help me open up some of
this jazz huh.

Yeah I'll do it. I'll do it.

Give the
chick room to fire.

Uh uh uh...

So, it's not a federal case
I'm starving.

Hey,

for later.

Oh honey that's what
I call a good provider.

So what do you want Squaresville,

studying work hard pitch,

married, settle down, buy on easy terms?

yeah,
and end up at 50 doing the coronary bit,

-not me baby.
-All right I get the message. -Solid.

But a girl has to think about
things,

I don't have any money,

you don't have a
job...

Hey baby,

you want some loot?

Find yourself a live one huh.

Yeah like um,

some fat old character with a
wife and six kids? who needs it.

Hey come here,

you'll see, come in.

Hey man you just get in?

Yeah that's right.

Hey Kenny do you know this chick?

I don't believe I've had the
pleasure, I'm Kenneth Redman.

-Judy Baker. -Uh Kenny here's an
assistant prof over at Thinksville.

Ah the university.

Oh do you attend?

No man, we have our own study course.

measuring kicks,

Hey is this my favorite perfume.

-Yeah and there's more down
in the car -That's solid.

Uh hey honey would you open the
sauce.

So what's happening?

Well not much.

That's cool, uh I'll pick up on you later.
huh baby. -Yeah.

He's what we call a
society type,

square as a box but loaded,

like one of those big long heaps.

-What's he doing here?
-He likes to make the scene,

you know, too scared for fun and games
but dying to play,

so we let him hang around,

he pays his dues.

A loner huh?

Yeah,

but he's got eyes for you.

Yeah.

Why don't you give
him a little time baby.

Oh man be serious.

Like I am serious,

look uh,

you're kind of like
the hostess here, you dig,

so uh,

do me a favor huh,

be nice to poor old Kenny,

that's my baby though.

Be nice?

Yeah nice.

Some party last night huh?

boy, you sure
came on strong with old Kenny,

yeah he popped for three bottles,

wild baby,

-really wild.
-Yeah, wild.

Hey,

hey pretty,

something hacking you huh?

Yeah he asked
me for a date.

Kenny?

Yeah.

That's nice.

No man, you don't dig he's gonna be
calling me and I gotta tell him something.

So go out with him,

look honey,
why should I give you the jealousy bit?

right now a square like Kenny can do us
both a lot of good,

and you don't even have to worry,

he's too scared to make a pass,

you just play it cool and
he'll come through come through.

Come through?

-oh baby...
-Look,

-the rent do Saturday right?
-Yeah right,

-and if you think that I'm going out
with him... -So you're doing him a favor,

he wants your company,
let him pay for it,

baby,

squares like Kenny want to be taken,

that's how he gets his kicks,

don't you forget,

we got something this
guy will never know,

the big kick,

the big kick baby,

you just handle this bit like I say,

we'll have it made,

when he Kenny calls,

you'll be real sweet,
on my baby,

solid,

solid baby.

Hey you...

Thanks.

You're enjoying your dinner?

Yeah.

-How about some more wine?
-Oh no thanks I,

I'm not used to this
stuff, it turns me on.

I'm not used to such charming and
intoxicating company.

Well I can see you
don't know me very well.

I think I do,

you're a very pretty girl, Judy,

I'm sure you've been
told that all your life,

so I really can't blame you
for taking advantage of it,

besides it was Mitch's idea wasn't it?

-Mitch? -Those sad stories you told me on
all our dates,

about the rent and the
back payments on the car,

Mitch suggested what to say, didn't he?

Oh Kenny I...

What, don't you think I know?

only reason Mitch and his
friends tolerate me is because I,

pick up their
tabs by the liquor.

Well if you know then uh
why do you do such things?

I guess you could call it:
an admission fee,

maybe I enjoy watching the show,

don't you see?

30 years ago people like Mitch they
call themselves the lost generation,

20 years ago they pretended to be
communists,

lately they talk of existentialism,

but people like Mitch they'll always
look for excuses,

they're beat philosophy, silly catch phrases
they just dramatize their responsibility,

hey I guess I'm making a speech huh.

Yeah and I don't agree, we aren't
bums,

Mitch is a musician, Bruce is an
artist and Monk writes poetry.

Judy grow up you're too smart a girl to
fall for something like this,

don't you see? that blowing an instrument
off kia splashing blobs of paint,

on a canvas that doesn't justify
freeloading as a way of life.

Yeah well um will you just skip the
sermon,

because I know what I'm doing.

All right,

maybe someday you'll understand,

you see,

the difference between Mitch and
myself is that,

I know what I want,

I'm mature enough to wait until I get it.

Well you're going to
wait a long long time,

I think I'd like to leave now.

I'm really goofed tonight.

Don't worry,
he'll be back,

I told you I dig the type,

a real sicknick,

what he needs is a couple of sessions with
a good spider chaser to straighten him out,

two to one he calls you for another date
before I know.

You know you might be right,

but I'm not
going out with him.

I'm sure you will.

we're gonna need some loot and
we split to the coast next week,

The coast?

Yeah,

a cat I know out in san Francisco,

he'll give me a gig with his combo,

maybe we're really going to have
ourselves a ball out there,

Baby are we?

All we got to do is get old Kenny to pay
the freight.

Oh, Kenny?

oh man,

you can't ask him for
money to pay our fare.

Of course not baby,

you don't ask him to lay on any loot,

you just pitch him a straight story about
you and me going away together.

-How's that gonna help?
-Believe me,

I know the type,

the more you lean on him, the more he
loves it,

he'll pop for a real
fancy going away present.

-You think that'd be right?
-Oh come on baby,

right, wrong, all that jazz,

it's nowhere,

it's just kicks,

now you want to make the
scene on the coast with me huh?

You know I do,

oh baby.

Telephone for you.

Play it cool huh.

Oh Kenny really came through didn't he?

I can hardly believe it's real.

It's real all right,

from Orphans,

they don't come on with any phony ice
not that giant,

I bet it's worth five
maybe even 10 grand,

how do you know?

I don't,

but we'll find out in the morning,

I'll follow up the office,

they won't go for any jazz about
returning it,

but maybe they'll come up with
the right numbers on what it costs,

then I'll fall uptown and hug it,

you dig?

I dig it Mitch, it's so lovely.

Okay,

you keep the bracelet,

and Kenny.

me,

me,
I'm off to the coast with some kicks.

No Mitch,

take me with you.

Any time baby.

Thank you.

Yes sir may I help you?

-Yes, I wonder if you could appraise
something for me. -Certainly.

Well what do you think?

looks pretty good
doesn't it?

I mean all those diamonds.

I recognize
this piece...George...

Come on man, cool,

this is a
mistake.

Here,

let me help you,

you know,
don't seem very surprised to see me.

You think you're pretty smart, don't you?

Take it you figured out my little joke.

Oh, ¿a joke?

you um,

you were the one who
stole the bracelet,

and you knew Mitch would take it back
and they'd recognize it.

Congratulations, at least
you're wiser than Mitch,

I imagine he'll get several years in
which to meditate upon his stupidity.

But how do you know I won't go to the
cops and uh tell them the whole story.

I doubt if they'll believe you,

besides the sort of friends you keep would
hardly serve as character witnesses,

now that's the trouble with
you B-types you lack roots,

you come and you go, nobody cares,
you know, here today gone tomorrow.

Yeah you just skipped the
sermon,

don't you think I know why you planned
all this,

yeah well if I,

I'm nice to you you get Mitch off the hook.

Please I didn't go to all this trouble
to force you to be nice to me,

as you insist on putting it, I'm not
interested in that sort of thing,

any more than I'm interested in the fate
of a stupid animal like Mitch.

An animal?

you know,

you know what you are?

you are a weak fool.

What do you mean by that?

Oh you know what I mean,

Mitch told me what you are,

like now,

you're afraid,

you're afraid to touch me aren't you,

this uh,

well this isn't how you get your kicks.

But I am touching you,

it's true, I,

I don't get my kicks like this,
as Mitch would put it,

but I do get kicks,

big kicks,

my way,

the biggest kick of all.

Yes we all get our kicks in different ways,

and Kenny learned that the district
attorney was no exception,

I shall continue my examination of
americana in a moment.

The early americans who
use this butter churn,

were indeed a hardy lot,

a recipe of some sort,

serves 12,

put in several scoops of ice,

add three quarts of vermouth,

and four gallons of gin,

yes a hearty lot,

that's all for tonight quite
enough in fact,

we shall return next week with
more of the same, until then,

good night.