Alfred Hitchcock Presents (1955–1962): Season 7, Episode 36 - First Class Honeymoon - full transcript

Edward Gibson is newly divorced and a very happy man. He's less happy when he learns that his ex-wife Gloria commissioned a portrait of herself for $2500. He refuses to pay and asks his friend Carl, who's now seeing his ex-wife, to buy the painting. Carl has something else in mind: he offers to marry Gloria, for a price, thus saving his friend alimony payments. Edward accepts his friend's offer and gives him $5000. Only problem is that Carl has a somewhat different plan in mind.

Good evening fellow tourists,

have you longed to visit
Europe but lacked the money,

did you ever think it's
possible to travel there,

aboard a luxurious ocean liner,

for less than 25
dollars round trip?

that is precisely what we are
prepared to offer you tonight,

here is a sample of our luxurious cabins,

all this for only 23 dollars and 50 cents
to London, England,

slightly higher if you are discovered,

all this is prompted by the title of
tonight's fable,

"First Class Honeymoon",

it follows this commercial,

which is in a 'class'
by itself.

"First Class Honeymoon"



Well good morning mrs Phelan I'm sorry I
have so many dirty dishes for you.

No that's all right mr Gibson,

coffee's ready, would you like
something? -Oh I'd love some,

how was the ball game last night?

I never saw such sloppy
field in normal life,

by that first baseman, my three double
plays and two innings,

and as for the pitching,
that ex-wife of yours,

could throw a plate faster than
this guy could throw a baseball.

Well I know what you mean I always
said Gloria had a good knuckleball.

You don't feel too badly about that divorce,
do you?

Feel badly?
listen, I've ever been so happy in my life,

I'm very happy I got you in
the settlement too mrs Phelan.

Well now,

I wasn't gonna let him trade me
off to that woman, mr Gibson,

not even for a season pass I wouldn't.

Well listen it was a fair exchange,
I got you, she got the cocker spaniel,

they deserve each other.

I never did like those
little itty-bitty dogs,

the kind that goes running out in
the field and and holding up the game,

-now is there anything else I could get
for you? -No no, just the bottle of beer.

Of course.

Oh this is the life mrs Phelan,

single blessedness to do whatever you
want whenever you want.

I know just how you feel mr Gibson,

when poor mr Phelan was alive,
rest his soul,

I hardly ever got to go to
the ballpark,

but now I go all the time,

so you see, mr Gibson,

everything always works out for the best,


Now you get mean when you drink.

-Mr Gibson? -Yes. -I'm Abner Monroe from the
True Art Galleries.

-The what?
-The True Art Galleries, mr Gibson,

may I come in?

Oh well thank you but I don't think I
want to buy a painting today.

I'm afraid you don't understand I'm not a
salesman, I'm an artist's representative.

-Oh... -I think you're going to be very
pleased with this mr Gibson,

very pleased,

after all Raphael O'Connor has himself
said that this is his finest work,

you know how difficult
it is to please Raphael.

-Who is Rafael O'Connor?
-You're joking of course,

well shall we unveil the work now?

or would you prefer to wait
until your wife is present?

-My wife?
-Yes, it's mrs Gibson's home?

Oh now I know you're making noise,
you see my wife and I...

You should have the honor of being
the first to see the painting,

-after all you are paying for it.
-I paied it?

oh well now I know
you're making a mistake,

you see, I didn't order any painting.

But surely mrs Gibson told you about the
commission she gave to mr O'Connor.

No she didn't and even if she had it
wouldn't make any difference,

my wife and I are divorced.


-Well I'm terribly sorry...
-Well I'm not why should you be?

But the painting...I mean,

mrs Gibson gave us the
commission and told us,

to charge it to your account
that was way back in,

let's see, in April.

Well you just take it right straight back.

Why, I'm sorry mr Gibson I can't do that,

I mean it's your painting.

I don't want the painting.

I don't even know who Raphael O'Connor is.

Sir, Rafael O'Connor is one of America's
foremost portrait painters,


It's Gloria.

Isn't the lightness

you know,
it's as if she were right here with us.

-Oh it sure is. -I knew you'd
be pleased mr Gibson,

well now if you'll just
kindly write me out a check...

Get that thing out of here, get that
thing out of here.

Mr Gibson I'm terribly sorry about your
unfortunate difficulties with your wife,

but she did commission the portrait
and a contract is a contract,

-How much is the contract?
-2500 dollars,

it wasn't an easy assignment, you know,

mrs Gibson could only sit for a few
minutes at a time into her ill health,

you know, I think Raphael's absolutely
captured the spirit of mrs Gibson,

don't you think so?

well I must really be
getting back to my gallery,

so if you'll kindly write me out to check...

Mr Monroe, all I have done for one
month is write checks for Gloria.

-I'm terribly sorry but...
-How much alimony I pay to that,


two thousand dollars a month,

two thousand dollars,

and if you think for one minute
that I am going to pay you,

2500 dollars for this lousy portrait,
you're crazy.

But the contract...

I get this cartoon out
of here I don't ever wanna see it again.

-Mr Gibson...
-...get out right now.

I don't want to bring a legal action
against you but I will if you force me to,

if you don't want to make any payment now,

you can send your check
to the True Art Gallery,

-here's my card.
-Get out!

Just couldn't leave me alone, could you?

you're satisfied?

2 000 dollars a month,

it's not enough huh?

no, you won't be satisfied, you get every
nickel huh,

oh you're adorable,

why don't you say something?

you realize this is the first time since
I've known you you have nothing to say,

you used to have plenty to say,

yeah, yeah...

how about one of your
famous fading spells, huh,

boy, sick in bed, half the time
you couldn't get up, but,

you could get your portrait painted, sure,
send me the bill, 2 500 dollars, huh,

I could give you one of
the great shots of our time.

-Good morning Edward.
-Good morning,

what are you doing here?

Well I just wanted to see how my old
buddy's surviving.

It's a little early for you isn't it?
I thought you never got up the loon.

Well maybe I've changed old buddy.

Yeah that'll be the day.

-You still like leading the bachelor life.
-Oh crazy about it.

-I never realized how great it was until
after the divorce. -Huh?

no regrets? -Regrets? are you
kidding? when I wake up,

in the morning and realize I don't
have to look at Gloria's face, oh...

excuse me maybe I
shouldn't say that to you.

Oh you can say whatever you want buddy,
you can't hurt my feelings.

Yeah well I can see that,

are you still seeing Gloria?

Practically every night,
we hit it off pretty well together,

she's not so bad when
you get to know her.

Yeah well I got to know her,

every curler in her hair, every whine
in her voice, every phony little helmet,

I got to know her all right I'm doing my
best to forget.

Paying a pretty high price for it,

2 000 bucks a month it's a lot of

Oh but that way, you see this,

is that a beauty?

she added commission before
the divorcen, send me the bill,

2 500 dollars.


Carl I've got an idea,

you like Gloria so much?

why don't you buy the portrait
I'll make you a good price.

I'd like to help you out buddy but you
know me I'm always broke.



I maybe broke myself pretty soon,
these alimony payments are draining me dry.

-That's a shame.
-Oh yeah I know your heart's broken.

Of course there is a way out.

Oh sure, I could always jump off
a bridge.

No, Glory got married again she
wouldn't be entitled any more alimony,

-would she that was part of the deal,
wasn't it? -Gloria marry?

oh no,

only the world's prize fool would
marry Gloria,

I don't know I was it for two years,

no, there's no hope there.

Maybe there is.

-Sure... -Maybe I know someone
who'd be willing to marry Gloria,

for a price,

like me for instance?

Are you serious?

you mean you would
actually marry her?

Don't rush me I just said

Carl I don't understand you,

you know what a monster glory is, but
you've, been dating her ever since the divorce,

-you even gave up that beautiful brunette,
what's your name? -Uh Marion,

well Marion's okay, she's a real nice dish,

but uh you know how it is Edward,

appearances and everything,

I mean Gloria may not be the
best looking gal in the world...

-Oh how can you say that?

there are other factors,

she can be very pleasant at times,

-and very generous.
-You know I'm sure of that,

on my money,

-it's a pretty watch you have Carl.
-Oh yeah you like it? it's uh it's brand new.

Did she have it inscribed for you?

Look Edward,

I came up here to help you,

I figured out a way to
save you a lot of money,

the least you can do is listen.

All right I'm listening.

All right I'll admit the
Glory is no prize package,

but there are times when a guy gets
himself into a real jam.

Are you in trouble again?

I've been running into a
little hard luck lately Edward,

some very nasty types of
breathing down my neck,

gambling types.

-you're still at it? -I've got an urgent
need for a quick bundle Edward,

I've got some debts that
just have to be taken care of.

Why don't you ask Gloria for the money?
maybe she'll give you some of mine.

Oh Gloria is generous all right, I mean,
she's good for a bar bill or,

half a dozen new shirts,
or a fancy watch but uh,

she doesn't have the kind of spending
money I need,

that's why I came to you Edward.

Are you making me a proposition?

Well let's uh let's say it's more of a

of marriage,

I'm willing to make one to Gloria,

if you're willing to pay me for it,
in cash and right away.

Oh now you're not serious?

you wouldn't actually marry her?

-You'd be surprised what I do.
-Karl you better think what you're saying,

may be generous now but when the alamony
stops she won't have a penny,

she has no money of her own you'll have
to take her just as she is.

I know that.

Oh no I don't think you do,

she may not be so bad with a
few dollars in her pocket but,

you want to see her medical bills?

she spends 500
a year on pills alone.

Edward are you trying to talk me out of it?


no no,


no if you're willing to stick your
neck out,

how much money do you need?

I need 10 grand,

if I don't have 10 000 bucks by this
afternoon I'm liable to lose my good looks,

but it's got to be in cash,

uh do you have that kind of money Edward,
in cash?

Yeah I got five thousand dollars in there,

safe, I could get the rest of the bank

-Well that'd be great.
-Oh wait a minute, wait a minute,

suppose you propose to her,

how do you
know she'll accept?

Are you kidding?


Oh Edward I don't like to brag but,

I got away with women,

especially Gloria,

if I snap my finger
she'd jump.

How do I know you go through that,
I mean,

I could give you the money today
you could back out tomorrow.

I'll do anything you say, I'll put it in
writing if you want,

I'll go over to her apartment
and propose to her right now,

anything you want I'll do Edward,

I'll tell you what,

suppose I call her from here,
right this minute.

You wouldn't.

I would.

Do it.

Hello Gloria baby,

well you know how it is honey,
I had a choice,

of either dreaming about you, or talking
in person, so I decided to get up,

it was a lot of fun last night wasn't it?

I didn't mean that,

uh how about dinner

sure, seven's fine, oh and listen honey,

do me a favor, would you?

you know that blue and white
thing I like so much,

wear it huh,

listen baby uh,

you don't like the idea of
a long engagement do you?

what would you say if I came up with a
plan to eliminate it all together?

I'll see you tonight baby,
I can hardly wait,

I love you Gloria,

I'll see you tonight.

Oh you really matter, didn't you?

you'd actually
marry that...

Like I said I'll put it in writing if
you want just as long as I get the money,

can I have it now?

Yes you can,

five thousand dollars now,

five thousand dollars tomorrow,

and you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna give you an extra 500
for a first-class honeymoon,


Thank you Edward,

thank you.

Oh you're so welcome.

Ah Gloria my love,

brings a tear to my eye
I can see the scene,

the city hall,

your handsome

you and your bridal clothes,


you better wear a veil.

-Good morning sir.
-Good morning,

oh uh could you tell me the apartment
number of mrs Gloria Gibson please?

-Mrs Gibson? -Yes, oh uh, maybe she's using
her maiden name, Gloria Bailey.

-We have a Gloria Gibson department at
eleven. -Thank you very much .

-Pardon me sir,
-What's the matter?

May I ask you who are you sir?

Yes I'm her ex-husband,
Edward Gibson.

Then uh,

nobody's told you?

Told me about what?

It was a terrible sad business sir, they did
everything they could to help the poor lady,

-the policeman, the fireman, the oxygen, but it
was of no use. -What are you trying to say?

mr Seabrook was in the apartment at the
time so do you know him,

-Carl Seabrook?
-I believe that's his name sir, he's the one,

that told me to call the ambulance
about midnight last night but,

-they couldn't save her, it was her heart.
-You mean she's dead? Gloria is dead.

-I'm sorry to be the one
to break the... -Where's the telephone?

-She was very...
-where is the telephone? -Right this...

-Mr Seabrooks residence.
-Where is he?

this is Edward Gibson I want
to speak to Carl.

Mr Gibson, mr Seabrook...

I'm sorry mr Gibson but mr
Seabrook has gone to the airport.

The airport?

what are you saying about?

where's he going?

He just said he was,

going on a honeymoon.

Goodbye mr Seabrook, mrs Seabrook,

-have a nice trip.
-We will,

come on Marion.

Those of you who were disappointed because,

you expected first class
honeymoon to be a love story,

will be glad to hear that subsequent
events were more to your liking,

while in Saint Thomas,

mr Seabrook met a beautiful girl,

fell madly in love with her,

and she swindled him
out of all his money,

and speaking of money I should be
back in a moment.

That concludes tonight's entertainment,

we should be back next week with more...

well I think I got
aboard just in time,

good night.