Alan Davies: As Yet Untitled (2014–…): Season 5, Episode 8 - Roll Your Trousers Up and Do a Krankie - full transcript

I was told to bring my passport. Am I
being deported?

Hello, Grandma! I'm on telly.

Against all the odds, I've arrived
on time.

I've only ever met Alan on QI, so
I'm looking forward to doing a show

where I don't need to speak in
Latin.

APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to As Yet Untitled.

I am Alan Davies. This is the show
that has no plans, no topics, no
agenda,

no preparation, no idea.

LAUGHTER

Excellent. What an excellent crowd.



We will come up with a title
somewhere along the line.

In order to do that I will need some
help, so please welcome my guests.

Here they are.

Ivo Graham. Welcome, Ivo.

Ivo Graham once had a close encounter
in Hollywood, AND don't ask him to be
your chauffeur.

Ivo Graham.

Susan Calman definitely has a God
complex.

Susan Calman.

Sanjeev Bhaskar has been shaken and
stirred,

and was a bit of a sickly child.

And Sophie Willan. Welcome, Sophie.

Sophie Willan thinks Santa is an
idiot,

and wishes the drugs had worked.

I'm still surprised. My kids are now
six and five, and they're totally...



totally believe in Santa.

There's no two ways about it.

You do for a while, don't you?
Sorry, sorry, what...?

Santa, he's not real. No.

So sorry.

Sophie... Sorry.

Some of us still like to have hope,
Sophie.

I'm so sorry. I put the stockings up
every Christmas. I've got five for
the cat.

Who fills them? Who fills them? Not
me. I don't know who it is.

Somebody drinks the booze.

It's me.

My daughter said to me the other day,
"Does the fireplace work?"

And I thought she wanted to light a
fire, you know, but this is often
round about weeks in advance.

Worried about access.

LAUGHTER

You think he's an idiot. I worked as
an elf, so I know him personally.

Of course.

I worked at Wigan grotto, so it was
actually not...

Is it the North Pole he's supposed
to be in?

He's actually in Wigan, and it's
horrific.

It's really awful, actually.

You have to train for three days, so
they audition you first to be an
elf.

It's actually a very strict regime,
and then you go, they pick you, and
you do three days' training.

With all the Santas. A lot of them
do it every single year.

They've done it for 20 years. They
take it really seriously.

And then you get paired up with a
Santa,

and you have to work in the grotto
for six weeks

with an actually really intolerable
human being.

LAUGHTER

You have to get cleared, don't you,
if you're going to be near children?

Yes. That's all I ever hear. Have
you been cleared?

Are you cleared? Are you cleared?

I haven't been cleared, no, and I've
got children.

Were you cleared, then?

Well, I was cleared, yeah.

And what is that process?

This is like a discussion you hear
in the ladies' toilets.

I'm clear. I'm clear.

I can carry on for the night. I'm
cleared.

It did get a bit tricky, because I
have got a criminal record,

but only for like... Shush. It's
fine.

It was only a bit of shoplifting
when I was a teenager.

Just the usual sort of stuff,
really.

What sort of things did you nick? A
pair of boots and a Satsuma, or
something really stupid.

When I worked at... One of my many
jobs was I worked at an electrical
superstore.

I was in charge of microwaves and
vacuum cleaners. It was the glamour
part of the job.

And we were taught how people
shoplifted,

and my favourite one was people used
to make pants out of tin foil.

Oh! That's very clever.

I tried it once, because I
thought... Just, not, you know...

And I just... It's quite sore.

Yeah.

How long did you have them on for?

Just a wee bit, but if you don't get
the creases right, it's, like,
lacerating your groin.

And there's a femoral artery... I
mean, that's -

You can wear them over your normal
pants. I don't think you have to
go...

Oh, right.

LAUGHTER

I genuinely thought you just... Oh,
shit!

It's to scramble the detectors, isn't
it?

Isn't that the idea? Yeah, that's
what it is.

And you put the products down your
pants.

You were in vacuum cleaners. Yes.

LAUGHTER

How...? Really? Those are big pants.

Well, as you get older you get
bigger pants, because there's no
need to impress anyone any more.

You can get a hand-held one in your
pants, but not - Yes, you can.

LAUGHTER

Yeah. You're going cordless.

I don't know where you'd put the
charger.

Otherwise it's a giveaway.

So, he was a total idiot, then, this
Santa, was he?

He was a bit difficult, and I said,
"I think you're micro-managing me",

because he was very bossy, and we
had a massive row outside
Wigan...Wigan town centre.

He'd been working there for years.
It was my debut as an elf.

So they... Yeah, so they got rid of
me. I got a letter.

A letter of written warning to get
rid of me.

It said things like, "Oh, you've
absconded from your duties, dancing
Christmas tree", you know...

Which I thought... Well, of course
you would abscond.

You had to stand outside. Every now
and again they'd take you off

Christmas elf-ing, put you in a
Christmas tree,

and make you stand outside Wigan
town centre, and sing Rockin' Around
the Christmas Tree, right?

And give out flyers. How degrading
is that? And then to get sacked from
that...!

LAUGHTER

Could you see out of the tree? Or
could people see your face?

Yeah, people could see me, and I
just looked really depressed.

It was just like this...

And then a hat like that on top.

I always imagine Santa smoking at the
back of the shop.

With a tree. That's what it said.

It said you're not allowed to eat,
drink, or smoke

when in uniform, which meant no-one
wants to see a smoking Christmas
tree

eating a pasty, you know.

I would love that.

I love all that kind of... I've just
bought a house, and at Christmas
time I want to be the one, you know,

that people drive past and go, "Some
lunatic lives in that house."

Because it's full of Christmas
lights, and I've got an elf costume
for Christmas day.

Have you? You'd be fabulous. I want
to dress up as an elf.

Then when everyone comes in, I go,
"Hello! Welcome to my elf kingdom."

And then they come in, and...(CLEARS
THROAT) So, I think...

LAUGHTER

With your foil pants.

And here's your present.

It's hand-held vacuum cleaners for
everyone.

Mothers like giving you stup... My
mum gives me t-shirts with sequinned
cats on them.

And she always buys me a size ten,
because she's a really hopeful
woman.

LAUGHTER

Then I have to put it on Christmas
Day, and she goes, "Let's take a
picture".

Have you ever seen a sausage
bursting out of its skin?

It's just me like that.

In a sequinned cat t-shirt, and I
don't like it, but she loves -

Perhaps you could send one of those
in, and we'll put it on the closing
credit.

There's a shop in Edinburgh that
sells them -

To bloody tourists like you

who go up and go, "Ugghh, Scottish
people eat deep-fried Mars Bars."

And the rest of us all eating
vegetables and exercising,

but you people don't give a fuck
about it,

because you don't care about it!

Sanjeev, you were a sickly child.

Well, I mean, by and large I was
fine.

It was one area, actually, in
particular,

when I was at infant school, so
five, six years old.

And it was the mashed potato at
school dinners,

because they make it with powder, or
lumps,

and every time I'd hit a bit of that
powder I'd throw up.

I'm not surprised. It's disgusting,
isn't it? It was.

I haven't had it since then. Where
did you grow up?

In Ealing and Hounslow, in west
London.

And...

Every time I... We had to sit eight
to a table, so two kids one side of
the table.

Mini tables. You didn't realise they
were little tables at the time.

No, no, they were full-sized to us.

They still fit me fine, actually.

LAUGHTER

Calman's table's the little table...

They come round and dollop it from a
great height.

The dinner ladies. Did you have
dinner ladies?

Well, it was the serving hatch, so
you went along...

Oh, OK. And then the meat, the mash,
and then veg.

So I'd sit down, and we had a rule
at our school you had to finish
everything on your plate.

And so I'd hit the mashed potato,
and bleughh!

It would be just... And being a
little kid. Creating more problems
for yourself.

And for everyone around me, because
with little kids,

as you know, vomiting kind of
becomes a chain reaction.

Nothing makes you throw up quicker
than someone else throwing up.

At least three other kids on the
table would look over, and bleughh!

Kids would run over from other
tables, and bleughh.

It would be, like, this kind of
epidemic.

And the teacher did say... I got
taken to the headmistress, who said,
"Say no to the mashed potato.

You don't have to have it."

Did you have delicious food at home?

Yeah, well, in comparison.

Nothing made me vomit at home.

I love Indian food. Yeah, we didn't
have any of that.

How early did you...

That would be really cruel.

We can make all this delicious stuff,
but we're not going to make it.

How early did you encounter Indian
food?

I didn't have any until I was 18.

OK. And I got taken to the Curry
Garden in Canterbury.

Oh, right. By friends. Fellow
students.

I was a student in Canterbury.

They said, "You've never had Indian
food?" I said no.

They took me there, and gave me a
chicken Madras.

Oh, that's pretty hot.

Wow. I nearly died.

They thought it was hilarious, but
no, oh God, I love Indian food.

And I cannot imagine...

I presume you did have some Indian
dishes in your home?

We did. And I cannot imagine the
horror of reconstituted potato...

Say at any point if you feel
unwell...

I...

I love that potato stuff.

To me, I used to get the packets of
potato...

things, and they were in little
squares,

and I used to take individual pieces
of it, put it in my mouth, and feel
it expanding.

LAUGHTER

And I used to eat them instead of
crisps.

So I would sit in front of the
television at night with a packet of
Smash, putting them inmouth.

What is wrong with Scotland?

It's like a - You just eat shit up
there, don't you?

No, we don't, Alan, and you know
that's a stereotype of Scotland.

LAUGHTER

It's not a steretype. Indian food's
nice.

Scottish food is shit. You want to do
this right now, Alan?

Fried Mars Bar - This is the moment
where we start -

Packets of un... Never had a
deep-fried Mars Bar.

Only one shop sells them. It's an
English myth made up by the bloody
Daily Mail

to make you lot hate us!

APPLAUSE

Not true. True!

It's not true.

There's a shop in Edinburgh that
sells them. To bloody tourists like
you.

Scottish people eat deep-fried Mars
Bars!

And the rest of us all eating
vegetables and exercising,

but you people don't give a fuck
about it, because you don't care
about us!

LAUGHTER

And the other thing about the Scots,
they get very aggressive.

Very quickly.

Keen to get the wrong end of the
stick.

If there's one sodding thing that I
am sick of hearing...

Every time I do a television show,
there's always a joke...

Our next guest is Susan. She's from
Glasgow.

She wouldn't recognise an apple if
it hit her in the face.

And she couldn't catch it due to her
rickets and tuberculosis.

I'm fine. I eat vegetables. I'm
allergic to a couple of them - raw
carrot.

You don't want to know what happens,
but that's just a medical thing.

I'm sick and tired of it. So anyway,
I really like Smash.

Unconstituted.

But eating unconstituted potato,
you're all right there.

Just because I happen to like eating
one piece of food you might consider
unhealthy

does not mean the whole of my nation
is an unhealthy nation.

All I'm saying is, the myth -

It was quite wrong of me to
suggest...

OK. I think it's a stereotype, Alan,
and you're above that kind of
stereotype...

about what we Scottish people are
like -

Oh, God. And you know I love you,
and...

..I think you and I have a special,
almost sexual bond with each other,

and I would hate...I would hate this
to be the moment -

Don't make promises you can't keep,
Susan.

I really wouldn't know what to do.

Ivo would talk us through it.

Can I just say, it's all got a bit
tense.

I'm happy to play up to all the
stereotypes you want to chuck at me.

I'm absolutely fine with that.

I'm a heavily repressed homosexual
predator from an all-boys boarding
school.

That's a good title, that's a good
title.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

A heavily repressed homosexual
predator!

From an all-boys boarding school.

Let me ask you why I shouldn't have
you as a chauffeur.

Because...

I'm a good driver.

So that's fine. I've...

I passed my driving test in 2010,

and swiftly took ownership of a Ford
Fiesta,

and by ownership I mean temporary
usage of my parents' car.

LAUGHTER

They're very good to me, and they'll
sort me out

with a short-term insurance plan
whenever the need is there.

Now, a few years ago my grandmother
died,

which I know is a sort of sad way to
start that story,

but from tragic acorns...come
moderately funny oak trees.

So...

We were - How many acorns did she
eat?

LAUGHTER

She had an absolutely terrible
problem, but that's a stereotype,
Alan.

I'll not have you...insulting the
memory of my acorn-obsessed
grandmother.

So me and my brother and sister were
obviously on best behaviour

at the memorial service,

doing readings and then afterwards

served drinks, and friends had come
from all over.

Some very serious elderly friends of
hers had come especially from
France,

so we were trying to look after all
the guests, and at the end

I was driving my brother and sister
home in the Fiesta,

and just as we were pulling out of
the car park

my dad runs over with a box of wine,
and says,

"Not all of these have been
finished. Take them home with you",

because he's a very frugal man, even
in grief.

So my brother's in the front
passenger seat, and he passes them
through the window tohim.

We drive off, but what he hasn't
told my brother is he hasn't closed
all the bottles in the box.

My brother doesn't realise until
about halfway home

he's been moving the box, and red
wine has been seeping through the
box, and into his trousers.

So my brother says, "Stop the car",
and we pull over,

and he jumps out of the car, and
puts the box down,

and takes his wine-sodden trousers
off, and gives them to my sister to
hold.

And my sister is a sort of
medium-level pranker at best,

so she really surprised me here...

LAUGHTER

..with the speed with which she
grabbed the trousers, slammed the
door,

and said to me, "Drive".

LAUGHTER

I don't think that even went through
my brain.

Her voice went straight to my foot
on the accelerator,

and we sort of drove off, but then
you're in this very weird
nether-zone

of how long is it appropriate to
leave an 18 year old

by the side of the road with a box
of wine, and their trousers off

after his grandmother's funeral?

I think the optimum answer is
probably no more than about 30
seconds.

I... It was quite a narrow country
lane.

I was still quite a nervous new
driver,

and wasn't confident enough to make
the 15-point turn that would have
been required

to get the Fiesta back to him, so we
had to drive for quite a long time
to the next village,

by which point quite a lot of the
mirth had gone out.

And we were quite nervous about
would he even sort of still be
there.

We were driving back in silence, and
pull over the brow of the hill,

see my brother by the side of the
road being picked up

by the incredibly serious elderly
French friends of my grandmother

who had travelled back to England
especially for their friend's
memorial service.

Whose thought process must have
been, up to that point,

that we'd been very charming, and on
our best behaviour,

and doing a lovely reading, handing
out canapes very diligently.

So for them to be driving back to
their hotel, and seeing the youngest
of the three trouserless

by the side of the road...

What kind of pants? Uh...

I think...

We mostly wear - Some pants look
like shorts, and you could get away
with it.

No, not the sort we get from Father
Christmas. OK.

We're very much of the get four
pairs of pants from Father Christmas
every year,

and they're all Christmas-themed,
and that's all the pant updating we
do.

Once a year I come down to London,
and buy pants. OK.

Yeah. How come London? There's a
shop in London I like the pants.

Once a year I come down and buy
pants, and then I throw out my other
pants.

Like David Beckham.

And it's not the only similarity,
but it is the main one in all of our
minds.

I could wear my pants, and pretend
it was a bikini.

OK.

It's very long, because I don't...

take care of myself,

because I don't need the patriarchy
to oppress me like that.

I condition it sometimes, and comb
it into a parting.

I don't care.

You know what, I've been married for
14 years, but I still believe

in keeping the magic alive with my
wife.

There are women in this room who've
also done the same thing.

Sometimes you just think, "I'll give
it a wee treat",

so...

I've talked about my grandmother's
funeral a few times,

and the conversation has never quite
gone in this exact direction.

But I'm glad it has.

I feel increasingly sure it's what
she would have wanted.

I don't think they understand.
They've mixed Jamaican with France,
and gone, "That's it".

Anyway, he was wearing one of those.

When I was growing up in Glasgow...

I came from quite a traditional
family. We went to church every
Sunday.

We were forced to a certain extent
to go to church every Sunday,

and the highlight of the year at the
church, of course, was the nativity,

and all the parents were determined
that their child would take a
starring role.

It was kind of like the search for a
new Dr Who. It was very much that
level of excitement.

I remember saying to my mum,
"Whatever happens, I don't want to
be Mary.

I really don't want to be Mary. It's
just the worst thing."

Even at that age, I thought, "I
don't want to play the traditional
just mother role.

I'm more than that." A good part.
No, you sit there pointing at a
baby.

You know, it's not the grit.

And so... Focus on the immaculate
conception.

Well, yes, and I was chosen...

I was chosen to be Mary, because
when I was younger I was blonde... I
was gorgeous.

Just like seriously... Just
gorgeous.

And I was chosen to be Mary, and
they said, "You're going to be
Mary."

I just lost my mind. The reason I
didn't want to be Mary was I didn't
want to have to kiss a boy.

And my parents were devastated,
because this is, you know...

You're Mary. This is the best
possible thing to show off your
child in the Nativity.

I didn't want to do it, and it was
quite a difficult time, I think, for
them to understand.

I couldn't quite articulate - Think
they've got this ungrateful child.

Well, they had a small lesbian,
which they didn't understand at that
point.

I understood - Do you think they
were really devastated, or thinking,
"The poor girl.

She's going to have a lovely time as
Mary. She doesn't realise how much
fun it is.

We'll have to persuade her." No,
because I'm quite determined about
things.

We came to a compromise, which
was...because I wanted to be Darth
Vader.

LAUGHTER

Now, I know in nativities now you'll
have a lobster, or a cucumber or
something...

In those days, in 1978, it was a
very traditional nativity.

Follow the death star. Absolutely.

And they let me be the Angel Gabriel
in a cape,

and a Storm Trooper helmet, so...

I arrived into the church sort of
dressed as a Storm Trooper

as the Angel Gabriel,

and everyone just went, "Oh, God".

And that was...

It genuinely, and it's hard to
explain, at that point in my life

I just knew that I didn't want to
play... I didn't want to be married
to a boy.

I didn't want anything to do with
that,

and to me, it was the most
terrifying thing in the world

to play a married woman.

You don't want to be a mum at all?

No, I've never wanted to have
children, ever.

I find children the most terrifying
creatures I've ever encountered in
my life.

I have a niece now. She's four. She
terrifies me.

She lives in the east end of London.
She speaks like Dick Van Dyke on
helium.

(IN COCKNEY ACCENT) Auntie Susan,
Auntie Susan, can we watch Frozen
again?

LAUGHTER

They're very demanding, aren't they?
And the thing is, you're not meant
to speak...

You're not meant to speak to
children they way they should be
spoken to.

Sit down, shut up, and eat your
dinner.

Mine's four, and she goes, "Where's
my sandwich?"

I say, "I'm not your waitress, so
shut up", but it doesn't go down
well.

Have you got a four-year-old? I've
got a niece.

No, I wouldn't have had my own. That
would be stupid. Wouldn't it?

Yeah. You're not ready? I can't even
get up myself on time for anything.

You can't get up yourself?

Not on time.

Not on time. A little late
sometimes.

It's quite difficult, isn't it, that
sort of nine to five...

People get up and make the same
sandwich every day, they boil an
egg.

I find it quite psychotic. I can't
do routine.

I need to - Have you got children?

Yeah. How many have you got?

I've got a step-daughter who's 24,
and I've got a son who's 11.

Is he into Star Wars?

Yeah, he's into Star Wars and
football.

Football and music are his big
thing. Which team?

Liverpool.

Liverpool?

That hasn't gone down well in here.

LAUGHTER

We're recording this programme in the
south.

Hello, Liverpool.

Now, shaken AND stirred, you say?

Yes.

Like many people I'm a big James
Bond fan.

I've always been a James Bond fan
since I was a kid,

and one my of heroes when I was a
kid, watching The Saint and The
Persuaders,

if people remember that,

was... You know who I mean?

Roger Moore. The best Bond.

He was the Bond when we were growing
up, so...

He was the best Bond.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: No.

This is what I get all the time.
Yeah.

No! You're talking out of your arse!

Moore was a shit Bond.

He was the best Bond, him, and Pierce
Brosnan.

A toss-up between the two. Wow.

He's got no sex appeal, Pierce
Brosnan.

Davies likes a bit of cheese with
his Bond.

LAUGHTER

You can't say that Sean Connery
doesn't deserve...

Sean Connery was fantastic as Bond.

Thank you, lady.

Yes.

Just one lady, but Sean Connery was
fantastic.

The only thing I know about Sean
Connery...

He's British, of course.

I once...

Oh, God.

LAUGHTER

I once worked with a costume
person...

who had worked with Sean Connery,

and she told me he perspires a lot.

And that quite often,

if it's his close-up, he'll take his
trousers off

to be cool, you know, literally.

I was working with Rick Mayall,

who's one of my favourite people that
I ever worked with,

God rest his soul, and I told him
this story,

and he nearly died laughing, I mean,
he laughed all day long.

And we just got into a thing where it
became a running joke

that Sean Connery would say, "I'm
ready for my close-up",

and they'd bring out a bucket of cold
water,

and he would dip his testicles...

LAUGHTER

Now, every time you see a Bond film
with Sean Connery,

and there's a close-up of him going,
"You w...wanted to see me, M?",

you kind of go, "Whoa!"

Down below... Down below he's
nestling a bucket of ice.

I get very hot legs.

I take my trousers off at any
opportunity,

because I get very hot legs.

Right now. I get very hot legs, so
if I'm on a train I roll my trousers
up

above my knees.

On those trains that have heaters
under the seat, that's all that is.

I like a bit of air about...

Are you not worried about the
Krankie look?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

If you're not, that's fine.

So, shaken and stirred.

So, Roger Moore, I kind of, you
know, watched The Saint, The
Persuaders, Bond and everything,

and, you know, in that slightly
fantastical way I got to meet him,

and got to remain in touch with him,
which is great, and he's now 87.

88, something like that. Where did
you meet him?

This was at... He did a tour of...
He's done sort of like these Evening
With...Q and A things,

which are great fun, and we were
reminiscing about his career,

anecdotes, and stories, and stuff,

so I met him on that.

A couple of times I met him on that,
and we keep in touch via email,

and at 87, 88, he has the sort of wit
that...

If I have ten per cent of that at his
age, or get to his age,

it would be remarkable, so...

the first time I met him,

I said, "I have to come clean.

It's probably watching you as a kid
that made me want to act."

And he said (AS MOORE), "Of course,
you thought if he can get a job,
anyone can."

I thought, "That's really nice."

And when I met him last,

there was a book of his, his
autobiography,

which I wanted him to sign -

Have you been stalking him? It
sounds like...

You've been in a lot of places where
he is.

Once every 18 months, yeah.

I'm not really committed to
stalking, obviously, but...

Roger, did I ever tell you I live
outside your house now?

And I'd written a book... I'd done a
documentary series, and had written
a book...

..about going round India, and so
I'd bought a copy for him,

and I said, "Look, Roger, I've
signed this to you", and I've signed
it, "To hamara Roger",

and I should explain, "hamara" in
Hindi means "our",

so my mum, because the whole family
were fans,

she would sort of say the equivalent
of, "Our Roger Moore's on the
telly".

We'd all come down and watch the
programme.

I said, "Roger, I've written hamara.
Maybe I should explain what hamara
means."

And he said, "May I hazard a guess?"

I said, "Yeah, by all means, yeah."

He said, "I'm guessing shithead."

LAUGHTER

I said, "I never realised you were
fluent in Hindi, Roger.

Exactly what I would write."

It says here, "Sophie Willan wishes
the drugs had worked".

Oh, yes. A funny title that, but...

I'll start from the beginning, so
my...

The drugs should have worked.

So, basically, I went to live with
my grandma when I was about eight.

Now, I didn't know my dad. All I
knew was that he was tall, thin,

sort of walked like a moody gorilla,
and had a very large nose.

This is my grandma, who loved him.
That's how she described him.

And then he went away, went to be a
pop star. He left Wigan, where he's
from -

we were talking about before - to go
to London to become a pop star,

and go cold turkey, right?

Then...

And then ten years later, I turn on
the telly. I'm living with my
grandma now, I turn on the telly,

and there's this singer on - tall,
thin, big nose,

sort of walking like a moody
gorilla, singing "the drugs don't
work, they just make you worse,

but I know I'll see your face
again."

My grandma comes rushing in, says,
"Sophie, your dad's on telly.

That's him, Richard Ashcroft from
The Verve.

Your dad is on telly", right?

"You look just like him." Now,
Richard Ashcroft...

I've got one photo of him, and he
was staring down, so I could only
see his nose,

and he was wearing one of those hats
from Blackpool, you know, with the
dreadlocks,

so I couldn't really see what he
looked like.

Sorry, one of those hats from
Blackpool?

You know where Black people come
from.

Hence the name.

You can buy as soon as you arrive.
They're like a pound, and they have
these little French hats

with Rastafarian dreadlocks.

It's very confused, Blackpool. As
soon as you arrive off the train,
they put it in your hand.

Yeah.

Is that a traditional Blackpool
thing to have...?

I don't think they understand.
They've mixed Jamaica with France,
and gone, "That's it."

So it's in one hat.

He was wearing one of those.

And that's the only picture I have
of him.

SUSAN LAUGHS

Of your dad? Of my real dad.

This nose, and he's wearing this
stupid hat.

Anyway, so he comes on the telly...
The Drugs Don't Work, they just make
me worse.

I'm looking at this picture. Apart
from the dreadlocks, and the French
bit, I thought,

"Yeah, that could be him."

Grandma's convinced. She's met him
about five times. She's convinced.

Mum gets on the phone, she said,
"It's definitely him."

And we were like, "Great". We wrote
letters to Richard Ashcroft.

I put my school photo in, so like,
"Dear Daddy..." Can you imagine?

LAUGHTER

Terrifying.

You were eight...? It was '98 when he
released Drugs Don't Work, not that
I stalked him.

'98. So I must have been about ten
or something.

Terrifying to open your post one
day, and just have a letter saying,

"Dear Daddy..." And a photograph.

A child going... Hopeful and sad,
and missing you.

It's terrifying.

Normally, also, you kind of go,
"Bill, bill...

bill... Oh, this looks different."

You open it up, and go, "Oh my God!"

So then it continued. Eventually, we
got a phone call from his friends,

saying to my grandma, "You need to
leave us alone.

It's not funny what you're doing,
and he's getting a bit freaked out."

Then when I was 16, I'd kind of
forgotten about it,

started drinking cider at bus stops
with boys...

Normal stuff. She decided to sort of
open up the case again.

Yes. And instead of just re...
trying to find Richard Ashcroft,

all she did, she picked up the BT
phone book

from Bolton, and just went through
every name until she found my dad's
parents.

Called them up...

Hello? Oh, is that you? Yes, she'll
come round.

That was it. We'd searched for
Richard Ashcroft, we'd done all this
ridiculous searching,

and she just picked up the BT phone
book, and she found his parents.

It was very simple, and he wasn't
Richard Ashcroft.

So I went to meet him, so it was
quite strange, because in my head
for years

I had planned this sort of epic
meeting.

I thought he'd sort of roll up at
school,

in front of all the people who
possibly bullied me,

with a limousine, and sort of...he'd
come steaming in,

and go, "That's my daughter, I'm
taking her to Hollywood".

You have all these plans.

We actually met at Wigan train
station.

Wigan again... It's just...

And we went into a cafe, and we sat
there,

and I had a pie, and he didn't have
a pie.

Very awkward, and he said, "Oh, you
like your carbs. You can tell."

And that was it. We really didn't
click, actually.

LAUGHTER

So now what I do, if I see Richard
Ashcroft on telly,

I just go, "Hello, Dad! Lovely to
see you."

I'll stick with him. He's much
better. Yeah, absolutely.

Why didn't you want to touch me?

LAUGHTER

You had a close encounter in
Hollywood?

Yeah. Of the third kind, or not?

No, of the...

There's no way around the fact I
don't get that reference.

LAUGHTER

I could have just said, "of the
first kind", and we'd have moved on
with our lives,

but it wouldn't have made sense, and
I'd have been left not knowing.

You've never seen that film? You're
young. You've not been locked in a
fucking caravan!

Of course... What year did it come
out, do you think?

It was '78. What year were you born?

1990.

It's not gone down hugely well in
the room.

I've got bras older than you.

That's horrific.

HUM TUNE FROM CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF
THE THIRD KIND

I like the thought that's nothing to
do with the film, and you and Susan
just thought of that...

When I was younger, wee sausage...
Let me touch you.

I know, he did! He recoiled!

When I was younger, we had something
called -

She didn't text me first.

We had something called a BBC
computer,

and it was very advanced, and what
you could do was spend six weeks
programming in DOS...

and at the end of it, it would
go...(HUMS MUSIC FROM CLOSE
ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND)

and you would go, "It's like War
Games!"

You won't get that reference.

"I'm Matthew Broderick." He's quite
old.

And it was a big part of some of
our...

Are you going to go away from this,
and watch - Absolutely.

What sort of close encounters did you
have in Hollywood?

Um...

Just a...

Just a story that's not as good as
the banter we just had.

LAUGHTER

I don't believe that for a second.

Why didn't you want to touch me?

Um...

LAUGHTER

You get the feeling Susan's said that
before.

Oh my God!

Oft-repeated phrases.

I just think, post-Trump we're all a
bit scared of small hands.

LAUGHTER

The power they wield. Don't you clap
him for that!

Thank you very much for your... I
apologise. I won't touch...

It was perhaps rather sexually
aggressively I attempted to pat your
arm.

Yeah. It's Hollywood in California.

In Los Angeles, so a few years ago,
myself and some friends who did
comedy

were invited to go to a festival in
Hollywood.

It wasn't... They were very nice,
the people who ran the festival.

Spending a bit too much time smoking
duh-uh, but not enough time manning
da box office.

So not a lot of tickets sold.
Duh-uh.

There was lots of 'erb going around.

To the left-hand or the right-hand
side... I can never remember.

LAUGHTER

# Pass the dutchie on the left-hand
side... #

Oh, you know that one, do you? I
think what happened was I enjoyed
that song so much

I just then didn't consume any
culture for about a decade.

Just listened to that over and over
again, imagining

what it would be like to pass, or
indeed receive some dutchie.

Their biscuits are wonderful. That
is true.

I think that's just biscuit snobbery.

It's not. I like a digestive as
well.

Good for you.

Do you know...

If you went to Tesco's, and you
wanted to buy a packet of a hundred
bourbons, how much it would cost?

It would cost 49p.

Am I right?!

Yes!

How do you know that?

Because they're my five-year-old's
favourite biscuit.

How does HE know that? Because I
love bourbons, and I love Tesco.

Are you his five-year-old child? He
guessed. He completely guessed.

I didn't guess. I did not guess.

Have you been emailing each other
before the show?

You're like, "This'll be great. At
one point, I'm going to ask you how
much bourbons cost.

You'll say 49p, and everyone else'll
look really fucking stupid on the
show."

We've...

Listen. You've had your Scottish
rant.

We've all respected that, OK -

That's another word for the
referendum.

Yes. I'm sure there'll be another
soon enough.

She's giving you the finger, look.

Sorry... I can't see it. I need a
microscope.

But me and Alan have just shared a
moment, OK,

of just the purest form of hopefully
televised synchronicity.

OK? The audience in here, they're no
fools, OK?

They're aware that Alan's got a
couple of cards,

and some bits of this are directed
along.

I'm enjoying you patronising me.
Carry on.

Absolutely, and may I say, you -

It's important for White,
middle-class men to do well on
television.

Carry on.

LAUGHTER

That's racist.

You're right, Susan.

I... I am a patriarchal oppressor.

Um...

You are marginalised, and I hope on
all our parts that today's your big
break.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Now...

LAUGHTER

I did think this was meant to be a
pleasant show,

but...

ALL: Aw!

APPLAUSE

Very emotional.

It's OK, it's OK. THAT is a close
encounter of the third kind.

LAUGHTER

So, you're in Hollywood, you're at
this festival...

SARAH LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

..and you had an encounter... What
did you have an encounter with?

Who? So, we'd been in LA.

We were all doing sort of hour
shows, and I was splitting an hour
show

with my friend Naz, and I was on
first,

and I came out...this was the
penultimate performance,

and there were about sort of 12
people in the audience,

but luckily it was in a dance studio
with mirrored walls,

so it always looked like there were
more people,

which was a crutch which we were
really leaning on by the end of the
run.

And there was quite a sort of
elderly gentleman in the second and
final row...

..with...

..with quite a young girl, sort of
daughter, niece, or something.

And I said...

What's your name? A form of banter
that I think I invented.

I was just teeing myself up to ask
what he did for a living,

and I can't remember what he said,
but everyone laughed at the name he
gave,

and the laughter turned to
awkwardness a bit,

and I went, "It's a bit weird that
you all seem to know something I
don't."

And another person at the other end
of the row,

a good couple of people away, said,
quite awkwardly by this point,

"It's Steven Spielberg."

And my half came to an end, so I
brought on my friend Naz,

who I think did a very similar thing
with his set as I did with mine.

Meanwhile, I was rounding up all the
other British comics in the
building.

A couple of them were out and about,
and got a taxi back especially,

saying, "We've got Spielberg. Our
luck has changed, guys.

Steven today. It'll be Judd
tomorrow.

Finally kicking off, and so when he
came out there was this huge
reception committee.

Everyone sort of cheered, and went,
"Steven Spielberg's come."

Ivo and Naz, you've got to get a
photo with Steven.

And so we took a photo of the two of
us with the most shit-eating grins
you've ever seen

of two comics who thought their luck
was in,

at which point he then left, to
which all the other comics sort of
fell about laughing,

and went, "That guy doesn't even
look anything like Steven
Spielberg."

LAUGHTER

So it wasn't Spielberg, but he told
you he was, and the whole audience
went along with it to humiliate you.

I've got a photograph of me and my
friend Naz.

Bring it in, and we'll put it on the
end credits after Susan's one where
she looks like a sausage.

LAUGHTER

No, you're not getting that. You can
have a photograph of me as the Angel
Gabriel.

Roll your trousers up, and do the
Krankies for us.

LAUGHTER

That's a good title.

Roll your trousers up and do A
Krankie.

On that note, we do have to end.

We do have to end. Talk more about me
being Scottish again.

It's been a joy.

I suggest we just call the
show...(HUMS MUSIC FROM CLOSE
ENCOUNTERS)

I am mash potato lady.

That's a good option. Scottish food
is shit.

One of my favourites.

LAUGHTER

I'm a heavily repressed homosexual
predator from an all-boys boarding
school.

That'd make a nice hash tag. That's
a good one.

It's been really fun. Thank you so
much. Please will you thank my
guests.

Ivo Graham.

Susan Calman.

Sanjeev Bhaskar.

Sophie Willan.

I'm Alan Davies. You have been
watching Roll Your Trousers Up And Do
a Krankie.

Subtitles by Ericsson