Alan Davies: As Yet Untitled (2014–…): Season 5, Episode 7 - My Breasts Are at War - full transcript
I'm looking for a really big bear.
This is my kind of telly -
no rules, no script,
no format, and I get a cocktail.
Winning.
I've just had a turkey sandwich.
It was a bit pink.
Feel a bit sick.
I've just come from
my other job in the cafe.
I've just made some bloke
a turkey sandwich,
but I'm not sure if it was cooked.
Actually, I'll have
a multicoloured martini.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello. I'm Alan Davies.
This is As Yet Untitled.
The show with no name, no topics,
no agenda, no planning -
no organisation, frankly.
But we will come up with a title.
That's our agenda for today.
I can't do that on my own.
I need help from my guests,
so please welcome my guests.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Here they are.
Welcome, welcome, all of you.
Gemma Cairney is here.
Gemma Cairney, who disgraced
herself at dinner
and had a swell time on holiday.
Gemma Cairney is here.
APPLAUSE
Dave Johns. Dave Johns,
who is at his best on dry land
and is completely at ease
with celebrity.
Dave Johns is here.
APPLAUSE
Lucy Porter, welcome to Lucy.
Lucy Porter, whose grandad
saw the light
and still hasn't spoken
to Ken and Pat about it.
APPLAUSE
And welcome back Reece Shearsmith.
Reece Shearsmith,
who had something in his eye
and whose mum is wary of stuffing.
APPLAUSE
You're all very welcome.
You're all right with your...?
You've got your two drinks.
I may need to water it down.
Water it down.
What is your grape of choice
in there?
Um. Is it a merlot?
I chose this because I thought it
would make me look sophisticated.
Well, it does, I think it does.
Don't you? But I'm having
massive drink-envy of Gemma.
It does, but all it's done
is block you from the cameras.
She's on a little cushion because...
GEMMA: Unfair, unfair.
I'm going to say it.
I am going to say it.
Too small to be seen
over the rim of a wine glass.
You know in Vegas,
where they have women in big sort of
champagne glasses writhing around,
that's what I should have done.
I should have just sat in the glass.
Just got in it. Hi, guys.
Floating around in a tumbler.
I'd like to see that,
I'd like to see that,
floating around in a tumbler.
You know where
you used to get tumblers?
Petrol stations.
Yeah.
Did you hear that noise?
That's the noise
of disappointed people now,
you've brought
something out of them.
You did, didn't you?
You collected...tigers.
That's right. That, or Nutella jars.
You wanted to swap a tiger for
a tumbler! I'd like to see that.
Didn't you make the...?
Wasn't the jar itself a tumbler
in the Nutella jar?
Yeah. There's a nod behind you,
right over your shoulder.
Thank you, this is my section
of the audience.
They're going to back up anything
I say, no matter if it's not true,
just like, yeah, that's right.
Yeah, you used to get tumblers
in petrol stations.
This is my crew. We're going to
have a dance-off, later.
Oh, that sounds...
What was it, tokens?
Yeah, you'd save up tokens.
Right. You know the Blue Peter
thing, where you used to...
collect the bottle tops?
Yeah. For the blind.
I thought it was they put them
on their eyes, so they could see.
Did you? Yeah. What, on the dogs?
On the dogs? No, not on the dogs,
on the people, the blind.
This is dog's going around
like this...
HE MIMICS A DOG WHIMPERING
That's no good
for either party, is it?
I thought exactly the same.
And you don't know who to ask.
No. That's weird.
We've got to collect these...
Bottle tops for the blind.
So where do you get
your tumblers now, then?
I was given some tumblers as a gift.
I'm sorry about that.
Imagine that, imagine that,
from people who stayed in my house.
They said, "Here, we've
got you something."
Are you taking the fucking piss?
Have you had a shit time?
Haven't I fed you well?
What is this?
I don't want four tumblers.
There's no room in the cupboards
for any shit like this.
They said, "They're wine glasses."
Wine glasses have a stem,
don't they?
So that you don't interfere with the
temperature of the beverage, do you,
with your fingertips?
Is that what it is?
That's what it is.
You're not supposed to... No, oh!
I do that, I just rub it gently.
You see her going like that...
Have a blowtorch.
This wine is hot.
No, you're supposed to...
Oh, delicate. With the finger.
Don't interfere with the beverage.
It's pretty trendy though,
isn't it, tumbler, small plate.
Tumbler of wine, though, is wrong.
I'm not into it, but people like it.
It's European, isn't it?
So the Spanish have their wine
in a tumbler,
the French drink coffee in bowls,
and I very much think
that's why we voted Leave.
LAUGHTER
In the meantime, tell me about
your mother and her stuffing.
Oh, dear!
Well, last time I was on here,
it was a story about my mum
and this sparrow
which she snapped the legs off.
Remember that? She did, yes.
Oh, my God.
But this new mum story...
That's brilliant. It's like a public
information film more than a story.
She was round for a weekend.
My mum and dad are from Hull.
They come and I cooked them
Sunday lunch, and...
She was eating the food
and it was a big plate,
and there was some stuffing
on the thing,
and she broke a tooth off,
her crown, on this stuffing,
which was too hard.
And before I knew it...
Why was it so hard? I don't know.
Very weak teeth,
it wasn't hard for me.
So the next thing is,
"Reece, have you got any superglue?"
I was like, "Why?" She said, "One of
my tooth has come off, my crown."
I was like, "Oh, well..."
I didn't think.
And the next thing I know is she'd
glued the tooth back onto the crown
and put it back in her mouth. Whoa!
Before... And then she's in the
mirror and she said, "Ray," and...
The tooth was glued to her tongue.
LAUGHTER
Ah!
That's brilliant. It had come off
the crown and was on her tongue.
I was like, "What?!"
It happened within two minutes.
We're having Sunday lunch,
the next thing is I've got a mum
with a tooth on her tongue.
Avant-garde. Yeah, it was like
Salvador Dali or something.
So weird. Her sex life was amazing.
I'm not even going to
think about that.
So I had to pull it.
I was the one who had to pull it
off, the tooth off the tongue.
Did you pull her tooth out as well?
No, it was a bit...
It came off in the end.
OK. Did you use ice or anything?
No, I just said,
"Hold still, you stu..."
I was very cross.
LAUGHTER
I said, "What are you doing,
putting superglue in your mouth?!"
It's not... Let it dry out.
I did once glue
some magnets inside a bra.
What? OK.
It was... I had, I thought
it would be good to have a ukulele
that I would play and
then take my hands away...
You could let go of it. Yeah.
And I thought
the best way to do this
would be to put
two little button magnets
on the back of the ukulele,
and then...
You know, you think the superglue is
dry, but it was fine, it didn't...
Did the ukulele slip
slowly down your front?
No, it held really well,
but when I went to
then take the bra off
there was still a little bit of...
I was like, "Oh, thank gosh..."
You see, this is how it happens.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And imagine
how embarrassing that would be,
to go to casualty with, you know...
They wouldn't believe the story,
would they? They really wouldn't.
"There's a ukulele..."
"What?" If you got the pose wrong,
one would be an attracting
and one would be opposing...
Like a hoovering...?
..and the ukulele would be...
What if you got...
You could have attracting breasts
or your breasts might be
fighting each other.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that would be
brilliant, breasts going like that.
Oh, my breasts are at war,
my breasts are at war!
Or they might alternatively clash.
I can't separate my breasts!
Because, you know,
when you're sunbathing and it all,
everything kind of falls apart...
Everything slips away, yeah.
I think there's something in this.
I think there's something in this.
I can see that in Hamleys,
the breast machine. In Hamleys.
People demonstrating it
as you go in.
"Operate the breast machine."
When you're in Argentina, find me!
How long have you been completely
at ease with celebrity for?
I was at the Cannes Film Festival.
ALL: Oooh!
And you're not posh.
No, I'm the only working-class lad
that's ever won the Palme d'Or.
No, we did a film and we were
in the Cannes Film Festival,
and it was all crazy and mad
and we got invited to this party.
What was the film?
Tell us what the film was.
I, Daniel Blake.
I, Daniel Blake, Ken Loach film.
Ken Loach's new film.
APPLAUSE
And we got invited to this party
and it was sort of like
there was loads of sort of
these celebrities here.
And Juliette Binoche came up
and said,
"You are him from the film,
aren't you?"
She was like, "I saw the film.
"You made me cry,
a beautiful performance."
I went, "Oh, thanks very much."
And then she cuddled me and I think
I held on a little bit too long.
LAUGHTER
"Yes, it's..." And I was like...
No, she smells so nice.
And then just as she left,
I saw Donald Sutherland
walking across,
and I was with the girl
who's in the film, Hayley,
and he came over and he went,
"Your film is fantastic,
I loved it.
"Thank you very much," and he shook
my hand and he shook Hayley's hand
and then he walked away.
We stood like that and I went,
"I'm glad you're here,
because I wouldn't have
believed that happened."
And she went, "Yeah,"
and I said, "You know what
the weird thing is about that,
"is that we saw him
coming towards us
"and we were both going,
'That's Donald Sutherland,'
"but he was going,
'Oh, there's Dave and Hayley.'"
LAUGHTER
Which threw everything off.
And then what happened after that,
I got back and it was all mad and I
got back to the hotel and I thought,
this is crazy, this,
and I went for a drink in the bar
and I was standing and this woman
was staring at me like this,
very attractive, about 50s.
She came up and she sat down
beside me and she went...
"It is you." And I went,
"Yeah," and she goes...
.."I have been looking for you."
I went...
Wow. .."Who are you?"
LAUGHTER
She goes, "I've seen your film.
I couldn't get it out of my mind."
She says, "I am from Argentina.
We must talk."
And she goes off and she gets
a bottle of wine
and she comes back
and I'm going, "Oh, no,"
and she's going,
she goes, "I saw your film.
"You, you are one of the greatest
actors I have ever seen."
And I thought,
my mates have done this.
And I expect to see somebody
like you, Alan, going...
And I was going, "Oh, thank you."
She was getting really close to me
and then said she said, she said,
"We must talk about film
and about everything -
"I want to know
everything about you."
I was thinking, now,
you're in a coma.
And you've just... You've totally
just... You're actually...
This is it, and she goes,
"I went..." I said,
"I've got to get up
really early in the morning."
Oh, what? What?
What's happened to you?
It's a Ken Loach film,
I can't be doing stuff like that!
She goes, "No, no."
She went, "Now that I've found you,
I cannot lose you."
And I went, "I've got to
be up at half seven."
Terrified. Terrified.
She goes, "Wait, wait."
She goes into her bag
and she pulls out this...
She goes, "Here."
And out of my hand, it was a card,
and she just went...
.."When you're in Argentina,
find me!"
Amazing.
APPLAUSE
Not... Not, not, "Oh, if you're ever
in Argentina, why don't you..."
"WHEN you're in Argentina, find me."
So I thought, this is mental,
goes up into the lift, presses...
I'm in all the dinner jacket,
press the lift,
opens the lift door
and I just went, "No!" -
Woody Allen is standing in the lift!
GEMMA GASPS
I just went...
And we both went up in the lift.
Now, I love Woody Allen.
We're going up in the lift,
both in dinner jackets
and I was just like this.
We both just went...
LAUGHTER
It was mad. I thought my head
was going to explode.
The whole thing was just insane.
So that's what happened.
I got a celebrity overload.
Now, Gemma Cairney.
Mm-hm. Disgraced yourself at dinner,
I understand.
I didn't disgrace myself,
but I did have an amazing evening.
OK. I went to dinner
with Grace Jones.
ALL GASP
Oh, my God. It was epic.
In your face, celebrity boy.
LAUGHTER
It was for a radio show,
and it was like
take the listeners
to dinner with Grace,
and they'd given us the slot
on BBC 6 Music on a Friday night,
which is the Iggy Pop slot
and a lot of people love that
because, obviously,
Iggy Pop is a legend.
So I felt quite nervous, because
I am not a legend, but Grace is.
And no-one knew
if she was going to turn up,
what kind of mood she was going to
be in, how long she would stay,
whether she would actually
eat dinner and drink...
You know, no-one knew
what was going to happen,
but it was an amazing evening
and she was so fun.
And, weirdly, quite shy.
Like, I know people
wouldn't expect that,
but I kind of got to know, like,
different parts of her, like...
Different parts of her!
LAUGHTER
She didn't seem that shy!
Like...
It was just strange anecdotes,
like how Andy Warhol
used to dance in Studio 54.
Like, apparently
he was quite hunched
and did a little
slow groove, like this.
So was it just the two of you, then?
Yeah. It was really cool. Amazing.
She tried to, like, she was pouring
lots of wine, she loved Sancerre,
she was like, "White to be
all right, red for bed."
She loves her wine.
That doesn't work, by the way.
Just because it rhymes
doesn't mean it's true.
She started pouring my glass
and I was like,
"I'm kind of working, like,
"I need to not be drunk,"
and she was like,
"Darling, this is basically water."
Like, you will join me for a drink.
Or I'll punch your lights oot!
Um, and little weird things,
like her worst noise.
I was like, "What do you hate?"
She was like,
"I hate it when people are
"clinking dishes in the dishwasher."
I was just like,
I can never even imagine
Grace Jones, like,
round a dishwasher.
Um... Was she dressed outlandishly?
Did she have her hair done,
or was she old jeans and jumper?
What was she wearing?
She was wearing this amazing
all-in-one, like a boiler suit
that had loads of pockets
and a kind of old-school
pilot's hat, you know like...
Chubby Brown.
Chubby Brown tribute.
You don't want to get
them two mixed up, do you -
Grace Jones and Chubby Brown!
Never seen in the same room!
Oh, my God. I'd like
to see Chubby Brown
doing Pull Up To The Bumper
in karaoke. Oh, yes, I would too.
He would make it
really filthy, wouldn't he?
He would make it absolutely filthy.
Did you like her?
I really liked her.
She, like, she gave me
this permission that I use
whenever I go out partying now.
Because I was like, Grace
gave me the permission to party,
because I was like really
quizzing her about Studio 54,
because I'm a bit kind of
obsessed with that era
and I wasn't around then,
so I was like, "Tell me, tell me
about Andy Warhol dancing,
"tell me what you used to wear, tell
me what it looked like in there,
"tell me everything."
She was telling me, like,
all these brilliant stories.
I was like, "What did it smell
like?" I just got too into it,
like, too fan-girl, and I lost
my cool and she was just like,
"Oh, darling, you're so cute,"
and I was like,
oh, no, we were on a par and I've
ruined it, and she was just like,
"Just have your own party, darling."
I was like, "All right."
So, yeah, permission
from Grace, all of us.
Today, Studio 54, right here, guys.
She prodded it and it went...
Ah!
Argh, argh. Argh!
Now, Lucy, your grandad...
Um, this is my favourite
family story.
He saw the light?
I never knew my grandad,
he had died before I was born,
and I never really
heard much about him
and I knew he'd been
a bit of a rogue.
One day, I was talking to my auntie
and she said, "Oh, yeah,
"there's quite a famous family
story about your grandad,"
which was he was a builder
and he had a little building firm,
he was doing all right,
and then he sadly started drinking.
And he was drinking,
things were getting quite bad
and he got to the point
where he was at rock-bottom,
his wife had left him,
kids wouldn't talk to him
and he was living in his van,
all he had left was his van and
his ladders, and he went to...
He went to the pub one day.
He only had like a couple of
coins left, went to the pub,
bought a pint and sat there sinking
this pint, thinking, oh, God,
what a mess I've made of my life,
what am I going to do?
I'm going to have to sell the van,
what am I going to do?
And then he finished this pint,
put it down on the table
and at the exact moment
he put it down on the table,
a shaft of sunlight came in
through the pub window.
And this shaft of sunlight
passed through the cross on the
spire of the church outside,
and it projected the perfect
image of a cross
on the table in front of my grandad.
And he went home, he was inspired,
and he went home and got his van
and his ladders and he...
And he became
the greatest window cleaner...
He went up on the church roof and
nicked the lead. Nicked it, yeah.
Nicked the lead!
Then went off, sold the lead,
came back to the pub
and bought everyone
a round of drinks.
And the police came,
and he'd left the van outside.
Any, anyway, he went away
for six months.
That's the...
But he did eventually stop drinking,
so there is a happy ending.
That's great, oh, that's good.
I just loved that.
Now, Reece, was it
a painful thing in your eye?
Do you want me to say? Yeah.
I suppose I should, shouldn't I?
No. No, no. I'm not going to say.
Um, there's a back story to this.
I don't know if you can see
on my face, but -
don't go too close
with the cameras -
but I've got a scar,
there, isn't it?
You see it?
A little bit of blue? Yes.
That is coal dust, because
when I was little I ran into my...
My mum was coming in with a shovel
full of coal, for the coal fire.
You think you're poor? Aye.
And I ran in, I thought she was
coming in with sweets,
I don't know why.
I thought, "Wispa!" I ran in
and the coal scuttle went into
the corner of my face, there.
I went to hospital and had stitches,
that was being sealed up,
that was a trauma
but I was all right.
If it had been a bit lower,
it would have gone in my eye.
But that's not the story.
It's not the eye story.
The next thing is,
this is like How We Used To Live.
When we had, before iPhones,
we had a reel-to-reel cine projector
when I was little,
and we used to watch films.
We had reel-to-reel films,
Laurel and Hardy
and various other things.
I remember this incident happened
when we were watching
a Woody Woodpecker cartoon
on a reel-to-reel film.
I was little, about eight.
In the dark,
projected against
the white door in our house.
And it was, I remember it very well,
at one point he became a pirate and
I was chewing bubbly, watching it,
as little boy, Hubba Bubba.
If you remember the brand.
And when the lights came up
at the end of the thing,
"That was good,"
Dad turned the lights on,
I had a bubbly eye patch
which I'd made when I...
And pressed it onto my eye,
and sealed my eye down.
Another hospital trip.
What is it with eyes
and things being glued?
But then I went to the hospital
and it was being taken off.
It was quite weirdly serious,
because it was, like,
all in the lashes.
I've got quite long lashes,
I don't know if you've noticed.
I noticed that.
I knew you spotted that,
I saw you looking at me. I saw you.
I'm getting a nice breeze
when you blink. Yeah.
I've got cowbells.
And then the thing...
The sort of coda to this,
I was in the hospital
having that done
and apparently the matron of
the ward thought that was pen
and was scrubbing at it,
trying to get it off.
Oh, whoa.
My dad went mad at them,
"That's when he was here last week!"
with the mark.
So that's my horrible
don't-put-bubbly-on-your-eye
public information film.
You were kind of
constructing a patch.
I thought I was copying Woody
Woodpecker, what's wrong with that?
Just having a laugh.
You could probably take some
sort of legal action against...
I'm not sure, not now.
Also, we just didn't have
that compensation, you know,
you wouldn't have thought that.
Not your fault, yeah. My sister...
"A bubbly eye patch -
not your fault?"
LAUGHTER
This has happened to me.
Get your texts. "I hear you've
just had bubbly eye patch."
Someone just rings you
out of the blue.
"Is this right you've had
a chewing gum accident?"
"Our records say that
you had bubbly in your eye."
That's brilliant. And Hubba Bubba,
just going, "Another one?!"
A queue of people who'd got chewing
gum stuck in all kinds of places.
Different cartoons,
Tom and Jerry my one.
I tried to make an anvil, took a
lot of Hubba Bubba, but I did it.
I was only little, but anyway.
My sister, when she was
in her teens,
went to the fairground
and she was on the waltzers,
and the car came off the waltzers.
Luckily it was sort of
going past a gap in the barrier
and they'd all got thrown out,
because if it had hit the barrier
then it would have been
a different story.
She was covered in bruises.
And she came home
and she'd got one of the massive
stuffed animals and, like...
That was it.
That was the compensation.
You think, now, it would have been
on the news,
and I, to be honest,
she came back and I was like,
"Oh, I wish I'd fallen off
the waltzer!"
Nothing a nice
giant bear won't cure.
She should have held out for
a goldfish with no mouth as well.
But isn't that the good thing -
in them days, they just went,
that was it, there was no,
like you say, compensation,
unless you fell face-down
into some disregarded bubbly.
LAUGHTER
Yeah. No, no,
but it's good, that, yeah.
Do you remember, from, I think,
my other fairground story,
when Hull Fair,
which is huge, Hull Fair -
that lady'll know, she's from Hull,
behind me. We had a chat.
They used to sell,
I think they're disbanded now,
but I think
they were called clackers.
All it was was two rock-hard balls
that they clack together.
You remember?
She knows it, she knows it.
And I got... I won some from Hull
Fair and took them home
and immediately clacked them and
cracked the television. Oh, my God.
That's so naughty.
Oh, no. So naughty.
Yeah, I was told off again.
Yeah. My dad held me down, put
bubbly on me eye, "I'll show you."
In back lanes, in back lanes,
in the north-east,
you could see them
hanging over the telegraph wires,
where kids would just throw them up
and then go, "Hey... Oh."
I'm sure it's... Gone.
And all you had was all these kids
just looking up at telegraph wires.
"Oh, well, we'll have to wait
till next Christmas then...
"for the next fad."
Totally lethal, weren't they?
They're what people use in...
Bond villains use them, don't they?
But people just
manufactured stuff back then.
"Yeah, give that to the kids,
go on, go on.
"Look, an unmilked scorpion
on a stick."
"The kids would love that."
Are you absolutely certain that your
mother did everything she could
to avoid you with the coal scuttle?
Well, the story I've been told is,
I don't really remember it now,
but I ran in and she was
coming through the kitchen
to put it on the coal fire,
and then dong - and it stuck in.
That's like the time she blew
herself up with the gas oven.
It literally blew up in her face.
It was on, "hisss",
going "click, click, click, click",
and there was obviously
a massive build-up of gas.
Boom! Eyebrows off, tights gone.
I remember the tights
in big patches, burned,
and her hair on fire.
My dad comes in from work,
"Oh," puts it out.
When did you have a swell time on
holiday, what does that refer to?
Oh, OK, I was in Sharm el-Sheikh in
Egypt and I was with my best friend.
I'd gone in replacement
for her previous boyfriend.
They'd booked the holiday together,
so I was, like, on top form
to be really, really fun,
cos they'd split up
I was just like, "Just take me."
So we were drinking cocktails
that looked like this
and having a great time.
One evening I got bit by a mosquito
on my ear lobe which, weirdly,
if you look at my ear lobes, they
're quite big and dangly anyway,
and it made my ear lobe swell
and it just got bigger
and bigger and shinier and redder
and it was really sort of hard.
It was really weird.
She coined the phrase "J.Lobe".
And everybody from the rest of
the holiday around the entire resort
would sing J.Lo lyrics
to me wherever I went.
It would be like a slow realisation.
We would be out, entertaining,
being really cool.
Yeah, we're two young girls on
holiday,
whoo, we're so cool.
Then my friend would be like,
"Hey, hey, hey.
"Look at Gemma's face."
They would be like, "Yeah?"
"Anything weird about her face?"
"No, she looks... Nice tan, great."
"Look at her lobe. Look at J.Lobe!"
Some people were like,
"Oh, my God, it's massive."
I can just imagine lads
standing there going,
"Oh, look at the ear lobes."
It's a sign of arousal.
The woman's ear lobe!
Did it to go up and down,
or did it...?
It was just stayed big and red.
It was very strange.
Did it pop eventually?
Yeah. It was also really itchy.
So you would have this itchy lobe...
Mosquito bait?
Yeah. Yeah, it's probably yours.
Yeah, there's probably
all sorts of stuff in there.
It's quite a few years ago, I feel
all right. It's gone back to normal.
No, no, no, no, it takes years.
Is dormant in your system now.
J.Lobe.
Just when your life's going well.
I mean, J.Lo's got a juicy bum
and I had a juicy ear lobe.
Just so classic.
What happened when it popped?
Were you still on holiday, were you
at home? Think it's when I got home.
Or maybe on the plane or something
dramatic like that.
Always something terrible happens
on the plane, doesn't it?
Was there a lot of stuff?
Yeah, it was disgusting.
So, yeah, that was awful.
People want to see videos of that.
I didn't realise there's a thing on
the internet, people bursting spots
is, like, a huge Internet...
I know, right?
We have evolved as
a species, haven't we?
Did you make a fuss when it popped?
Probably, yeah. Yeah?
Also, it was just so embarrassing.
Shot everywhere?
Yeah, it was disgusting.
I had an abscess on my back once.
How was that?
It was a bit tender. Yeah.
Oh, this is going to be really grim.
Well, you have to
know my wife, really.
You two know my wife.
Your poor long-suffering wife.
My poor long-suffering wife.
As if being married to you
wasn't bad enough.
Because her sister, right...
I'm ignoring that remark.
Her sister is a nurse.
Or used to be a nurse.
And would be bang up for
anything to do with abscess.
She would be offering to drain it
immediately, getting gloves on,
saying "Let me have it,
let me have it."
Kate is not like that.
When eventually,
I said, "I think it's a bit..."
"Could you have a look at it?"
She prodded it and it went...
THEY ALL GASP IN HORROR
She was behind me going...
"Argh! Argh, argh!"
What's happening?
What's happening?
"There's stuff coming out of it.
There are spiders!"
And then she went...
I said, "Get it out, get it out."
She went like that,
and it went up the wall.
Oh, my God! I mean,
this thing was unbelievable.
And it carried on doing it for days.
Every morning, I would say,
"Can you have a little...?"
Clean out me wound?
Like that... Pffff!
Have you ever had an ingrowing hair?
They're good. Are they? Yeah.
Like, if you wax your legs -
or elsewhere -
you get little ingrowing hairs,
and then sometimes...
It's like a magician's flag,
so you just sort of break the skin,
and it just keeps coming and coming
and coming and coming.
It's growing...? It's ingrowing.
Mine's all ingrown.
LAUGHTER
It's in there.
The hair's just in there.
I'm actually looking at you
through curtains of hair.
Do you not fancy a waxing?
Can you imagine?
Can you imagine waxing a Geordie?
What a job that would be.
"Where you going?"
"I'm waxing Geordies today."
"Get the big barrel of wax in.
"Come on. Just dip them in."
Just loads of Geordies hanging on...
Brrr!
I think every man should get waxed.
Oh, no, wait,
don't be stupid, man. Once.
Not because of an aesthetic thing
that I would want from a man, but...
If you said that to my dad...
I just think, try it, try it,
and see what it's like, because...
"Are you taking us out to the zoo?"
"No, I'm taking you out
for a waxing, Dad."
And then Ken was like, "Hello,
I'm Ken. This is Pat the wife.
"Don't actually pat the wife. Oh!"
LAUGHTER
So, Lucy, who are Ken and Pat?
OK. And why haven't you told them?
Ken and Pat, they're real names.
Now I'm wondering about the wisdom
of telling this story,
but we'll press on. Come on.
Ken and Pat
are next-door neighbours.
Loveliest couple in the world. Your
current next-door neighbours? Yeah.
SURPRISED GASPS
But they are just absolutely...
When they moved in,
they were so lovely,
they came round and Ken was like,
"Hello, I'm Ken.
This is Pat, the wife -
"don't actually pat the wife. Oh!"
"You can if you want,
she doesn't bite."
They are the loveliest people
you could ever meet.
The loveliest people.
And we moved in, and they said...
They said, "Oh, we're a bit
excited about you moving in
"because we hear you're an actor
and a stand-up comedian.
"And we've never had bohemians
on the close before."
I was like, it's so
nice being called a bohemian.
And then they said,
"Oh, but we're a little bit worried
"that you're going to have
lots of wild showbiz parties
"with all your famous friends."
I was like,
"Apart from Dave Johns,
"I've got no famous friends."
We were like, "Oh, no, don't be
ridiculous, we're not showbiz...
"We're not famous,
we're not showbizzy.
"We've just got an unusual jobs.
We're probably the most boring,
"normal, ordinary people
you could ever meet."
Right. So we said that.
Two weeks after we moved in,
my mum came to stay -
she'd broken her hip.
And the hospital
had given her a Zimmer frame.
They said, you've got to
go out 5-10 minutes a day,
walking on the Zimmer,
put weight through the hip.
Anyway, so she's been going out.
I've been taking her around,
showing her, it's a new area.
So I'm showing her around,
and then, one day, she says,
"Luce, I think I'm ready.
I'm going to go out on me own."
So she goes off for this walk.
But she went a bit too far.
She's very ambitious.
She's very sort of zealous. So she
went a bit too far, got a bit lost.
Didn't know where she was.
Was starting to panic a bit.
She found two guys who were doing
building work on a house nearby.
Went up, explained her predicament,
and they said, "We know exactly
where your daughter lives.
"We know that address. We're about
to knock off work for the day,
"so why don't we just
give you a lift back?"
So they gave her a lift back,
but they had one of those flatbed
trucks that builders have sometimes.
So they stick Mum...
They get her up the ramp,
and they put her on the bench
on the back of the truck
with her Zimmer next to her.
She was fine, she came back,
she said, "Oh, it was brilliant,
the wind was blowing my hair.
"It was like the '60s."
So, anyway, so she was fine,
but I didn't know this.
And I was at home
and I was getting ready to go out.
I was going to a David Bowie
theme party,
it was just after Bowie died.
And we were having this party,
where me and all my mates were
going as Bowie from different eras.
And I was going as Bowie
from the Ashes to Ashes video
which, if you remember,
was where he was dressed as a clown.
So I had this white clown suit,
big, pointy white clown hat.
I've got all this on.
Justin wasn't home,
Justin had been away filming.
I was like, "Where's Justin?"
Because, you know,
he was meant to be back
and my mum wasn't back, and
she'd been gone about 45 minutes.
I'm, like, now panicking,
thinking, where is she?
And I'm just putting
the finishing touches to make-up
and I hear a vehicle
pull up outside.
So, naturally, I go out
to see what's happening,
and it's at this point
that Ken and Pat come back
from their shopping trip.
So they drive on to the close
and they see their new neighbour
dressed in full clown,
apparently taking delivery
of an old lady.
LAUGHTER
Amazing. Like it's some kind of
old-lady delivery service.
There's a guy there
with a clipboard,
so it's like OAP DHL or something.
You'll have to sign for it. Exactly!
"Got a nice one for you here."
So, anyway... And that was weird.
But as they drew up,
it got even weirder,
because the guy who'd been
driving the builders' van,
he hadn't seen what was going on,
so he came round to have a look,
and it turns out he had
a massive phobia of clowns.
So now, they've got me
dressed as a clown
taking delivery of an old lady
and the driver's there, just like...
The whole thing was...
I kind of just saw
Ken and Pat go into their house.
And the thing that I love
about this the most,
the very British thing, is that
Ken and Pat have never mentioned it.
I just love that. It's like,
"Well, it's probably some sort of
absurdist promenade theatre, Pat."
They're probably wondering
where the old lady went.
"Oh, they must have sent her back."
Yeah, because my mum left,
you know, the week after,
never to be seen again.
I've had a Halloween experience
a bit like that.
I love Halloween and I got dressed
up one year to go to a party,
and came back about
three in the morning.
I was in a cowl and a skeleton face
that I'd drawn on.
Classic. Of course.
Grim Reaper. And I was locked out.
And no-one at home.
No keys, obviously.
I was like, "Oh, no".
So I rang a locksmith.
I was in the cowl
and the skeleton face.
It was, like, three in the morning,
it was freezing.
People started to...
Someone walked past.
I thought, God, actually,
I look a bit frightening.
So I stepped back into the shadows.
Because that wouldn't be
frightening at all(!)
Then I started to think,
when he comes he's going to be...
I've got to sort of ease the blow
of what I look like.
So I stood in the shadows,
and he finally came.
I was freezing. And he walked up.
I sort of got frozen in thinking
he's going to think
it's so frightening.
And I was just stood in the shadows.
And I eventually...
He came to the door, was
looking around, and I said...
I literally said,
"Don't be afraid of me."
A disembodied voice said,
"Don't be afraid of me.
"I've got make-up on."
And then, I stepped out
as the skeleton.
He was like,
"What the fucking hell?!"
And I explained it and he let me in.
But yeah, it was trapped in
that moment of not knowing...
I like the idea of you being
dressed up in the Bowie thing.
I saw David Bowie in '71 at...
At the... In a lift?
No, no. We didn't
have lifts back then.
I think it was at
the Sunderland Empire.
I remember, it was '71, and we were
in the front row of the gig,
and David Bowie came out -
it was the Ziggy Stardust tour.
And Bowie came out
and we were all really excited,
and I was in the front row.
And he had this jumpsuit on
where he had one long leg
and then one short leg.
And he put his foot up
on the monitor
and one of his nadgers popped out.
LAUGHTER
And you know what shocked us?
No glitter on it at all.
And I just went, it was like,
"You're not Ziggy,
you're just a bloke!"
And I just had this idea of him
being in the dressing room
and going, "Do you think I should
do my nadgers tonight, lads?"
And they go, "No, don't bother."
Honestly, and it was,
and his little old fella popped out.
And that traumatised me.
And from that day on,
glam rock died for me.
Now, you had a terrible time
on a submarine?
Yeah, what happened was,
I was booked to do some gigs...
On a submarine? Yes, for CSE.
You know, CSE, the
Combined Entertainment Services?
Oh, right. OK.
For, like, the Services.
For the military?
Yeah, yeah, the military.
So the Royal Navy got you.
So they wanted me
to go and do a gig.
Now, I didn't know
it was on a submarine.
What they said was, we're going to
fly you to Guam. Sounds nice.
"On a Tuesday?! I'm not going to
Guam on a Tuesday!"
So basically, they took me...
They took me...
I will tell you what happened.
We got on the plane.
We flew to... To Tokyo.
I was with this guy who was one of
the adjutants, or whatever he was,
He was going, "Oh, it must be
fascinating being a comedian.
"Who have you worked with?
Do you know Alan Davies?"
I went, "No, I don't know him."
He just talked about comedy all the
way through and we got to Tokyo
and he said, I'm going to
take you out for dinner,
we went out for dinner,
we had a lovely Tokyo dinner,
whatever, you know,
sushi and all that.
Then they said, "Tomorrow,
we're going to fly to Guam."
I had to look it up on the map,
it's in the South Pacific.
So we flew to Guam.
And there was four dancers
and a guy with a guitar and me.
I'm thinking... So they went...
"You've got to go to
the nuclear submarine,"
which I think was the Turbulence
of the something, the submarine.
So we turn up at this thing, right?
He goes, "You go down,
you do a little bit,
"and then you bring
the dancers on..."
So I walk into the wardroom
or whatever it was,
where the officers are
in the submarine, right?
And I went in, and they were
all dressed as women.
All the officers were dressed
as women with beards.
This room was tiny.
They were all sitting around,
and they went, "Right, go on.
Here's the entertainment."
I had to do stand-up to these blokes
in a submarine dressed...
Now, I've had some shit gigs.
I've had some shit...
And you could see that
they just wanted it over
so they could get
the dancers coming in.
You know, you have four dancers
dancing in a submarine, like this.
It was insane. It was insane.
Why were they dressed as women?
Because they thought
it would be a laugh. Right.
It's not dress
of a nuclear submarine.
"Aye, that's submarine, you
never know where it's sailing,
"or what they've got on...
"under the polar ice caps."
So they'd come back from the polar
ice caps, and they just thought,
we'll do it for a laugh.
Yeah. RuPaul's Drag Race
all over again.
But what happened was...
This guy, he goes to me...
So I was just dying a death.
One of them went,
"So is this just like
a holiday for you?"
And I went, "Yeah, I got in touch
"with a travel agent
in Newcastle and said...
"could I have three days
dying on my arse
"in a submarine in Guam, please?"
And they went, "We just seem to
have something right here for you."
I've done ones where...
There was a pub in Kent
where they used to have a gig.
People had said,
"Oh, it's a really tough gig."
I said, "I'm sure I'll be fine."
It was where they had the carvery,
they had a little microphone
stuck to the back of the carvery.
You had to kind of bend down.
The smell of roast potatoes
kind of just...
And try and do...
And there was one light
that was over there so you
had to angle yourself into it.
I think it's cos they think
you can do a gig anywhere.
They go, "Well, if you're funny,
you can do a gig anywhere, man."
You go, "No, mate,
I can't," you know.
I've done ones in Australia
in a car showroom, during the day,
and you're just standing
in a car showroom.
And they go, "Just do it
for the customers
"while they're coming round
looking at cars."
They just look at you and go,
"There's a madman talking to me.
"On a microphone." And they go,
"Well, if you're funny..."
You go, "No, man.
"Stand-up's a precious orchid."
It can only survive in
the most delicate of situations.
Well, we need to think of
a title for this...event.
We've got a few.
All suggestions...are welcome.
I've got Can You Imagine
Waxing A Geordie?
Which is one of my favourites.
Yeah, waxing a Geordie.
Maybe a play on that.
All He Had Left
Was His Van And His Ladders.
All he had left was
his van and his ladders.
I quite like Tongue Tooth.
Sounds like a sort of prog-rock
band. Sounds like a horror.
LAUGHTER
We've got to stop. It's over.
Please thank my guests.
I've had a wonderful time
in their company.
Gemma Cairney, thank you very much.
APPLAUSE
Dave Johns.
APPLAUSE
Lucy Porter.
APPLAUSE
And Reece Shearsmith.
APPLAUSE
I'm Alan Davies, and you have been
watching My Breasts Are At War.
LAUGHTER
Subtitles by Ericsson
This is my kind of telly -
no rules, no script,
no format, and I get a cocktail.
Winning.
I've just had a turkey sandwich.
It was a bit pink.
Feel a bit sick.
I've just come from
my other job in the cafe.
I've just made some bloke
a turkey sandwich,
but I'm not sure if it was cooked.
Actually, I'll have
a multicoloured martini.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello. I'm Alan Davies.
This is As Yet Untitled.
The show with no name, no topics,
no agenda, no planning -
no organisation, frankly.
But we will come up with a title.
That's our agenda for today.
I can't do that on my own.
I need help from my guests,
so please welcome my guests.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Here they are.
Welcome, welcome, all of you.
Gemma Cairney is here.
Gemma Cairney, who disgraced
herself at dinner
and had a swell time on holiday.
Gemma Cairney is here.
APPLAUSE
Dave Johns. Dave Johns,
who is at his best on dry land
and is completely at ease
with celebrity.
Dave Johns is here.
APPLAUSE
Lucy Porter, welcome to Lucy.
Lucy Porter, whose grandad
saw the light
and still hasn't spoken
to Ken and Pat about it.
APPLAUSE
And welcome back Reece Shearsmith.
Reece Shearsmith,
who had something in his eye
and whose mum is wary of stuffing.
APPLAUSE
You're all very welcome.
You're all right with your...?
You've got your two drinks.
I may need to water it down.
Water it down.
What is your grape of choice
in there?
Um. Is it a merlot?
I chose this because I thought it
would make me look sophisticated.
Well, it does, I think it does.
Don't you? But I'm having
massive drink-envy of Gemma.
It does, but all it's done
is block you from the cameras.
She's on a little cushion because...
GEMMA: Unfair, unfair.
I'm going to say it.
I am going to say it.
Too small to be seen
over the rim of a wine glass.
You know in Vegas,
where they have women in big sort of
champagne glasses writhing around,
that's what I should have done.
I should have just sat in the glass.
Just got in it. Hi, guys.
Floating around in a tumbler.
I'd like to see that,
I'd like to see that,
floating around in a tumbler.
You know where
you used to get tumblers?
Petrol stations.
Yeah.
Did you hear that noise?
That's the noise
of disappointed people now,
you've brought
something out of them.
You did, didn't you?
You collected...tigers.
That's right. That, or Nutella jars.
You wanted to swap a tiger for
a tumbler! I'd like to see that.
Didn't you make the...?
Wasn't the jar itself a tumbler
in the Nutella jar?
Yeah. There's a nod behind you,
right over your shoulder.
Thank you, this is my section
of the audience.
They're going to back up anything
I say, no matter if it's not true,
just like, yeah, that's right.
Yeah, you used to get tumblers
in petrol stations.
This is my crew. We're going to
have a dance-off, later.
Oh, that sounds...
What was it, tokens?
Yeah, you'd save up tokens.
Right. You know the Blue Peter
thing, where you used to...
collect the bottle tops?
Yeah. For the blind.
I thought it was they put them
on their eyes, so they could see.
Did you? Yeah. What, on the dogs?
On the dogs? No, not on the dogs,
on the people, the blind.
This is dog's going around
like this...
HE MIMICS A DOG WHIMPERING
That's no good
for either party, is it?
I thought exactly the same.
And you don't know who to ask.
No. That's weird.
We've got to collect these...
Bottle tops for the blind.
So where do you get
your tumblers now, then?
I was given some tumblers as a gift.
I'm sorry about that.
Imagine that, imagine that,
from people who stayed in my house.
They said, "Here, we've
got you something."
Are you taking the fucking piss?
Have you had a shit time?
Haven't I fed you well?
What is this?
I don't want four tumblers.
There's no room in the cupboards
for any shit like this.
They said, "They're wine glasses."
Wine glasses have a stem,
don't they?
So that you don't interfere with the
temperature of the beverage, do you,
with your fingertips?
Is that what it is?
That's what it is.
You're not supposed to... No, oh!
I do that, I just rub it gently.
You see her going like that...
Have a blowtorch.
This wine is hot.
No, you're supposed to...
Oh, delicate. With the finger.
Don't interfere with the beverage.
It's pretty trendy though,
isn't it, tumbler, small plate.
Tumbler of wine, though, is wrong.
I'm not into it, but people like it.
It's European, isn't it?
So the Spanish have their wine
in a tumbler,
the French drink coffee in bowls,
and I very much think
that's why we voted Leave.
LAUGHTER
In the meantime, tell me about
your mother and her stuffing.
Oh, dear!
Well, last time I was on here,
it was a story about my mum
and this sparrow
which she snapped the legs off.
Remember that? She did, yes.
Oh, my God.
But this new mum story...
That's brilliant. It's like a public
information film more than a story.
She was round for a weekend.
My mum and dad are from Hull.
They come and I cooked them
Sunday lunch, and...
She was eating the food
and it was a big plate,
and there was some stuffing
on the thing,
and she broke a tooth off,
her crown, on this stuffing,
which was too hard.
And before I knew it...
Why was it so hard? I don't know.
Very weak teeth,
it wasn't hard for me.
So the next thing is,
"Reece, have you got any superglue?"
I was like, "Why?" She said, "One of
my tooth has come off, my crown."
I was like, "Oh, well..."
I didn't think.
And the next thing I know is she'd
glued the tooth back onto the crown
and put it back in her mouth. Whoa!
Before... And then she's in the
mirror and she said, "Ray," and...
The tooth was glued to her tongue.
LAUGHTER
Ah!
That's brilliant. It had come off
the crown and was on her tongue.
I was like, "What?!"
It happened within two minutes.
We're having Sunday lunch,
the next thing is I've got a mum
with a tooth on her tongue.
Avant-garde. Yeah, it was like
Salvador Dali or something.
So weird. Her sex life was amazing.
I'm not even going to
think about that.
So I had to pull it.
I was the one who had to pull it
off, the tooth off the tongue.
Did you pull her tooth out as well?
No, it was a bit...
It came off in the end.
OK. Did you use ice or anything?
No, I just said,
"Hold still, you stu..."
I was very cross.
LAUGHTER
I said, "What are you doing,
putting superglue in your mouth?!"
It's not... Let it dry out.
I did once glue
some magnets inside a bra.
What? OK.
It was... I had, I thought
it would be good to have a ukulele
that I would play and
then take my hands away...
You could let go of it. Yeah.
And I thought
the best way to do this
would be to put
two little button magnets
on the back of the ukulele,
and then...
You know, you think the superglue is
dry, but it was fine, it didn't...
Did the ukulele slip
slowly down your front?
No, it held really well,
but when I went to
then take the bra off
there was still a little bit of...
I was like, "Oh, thank gosh..."
You see, this is how it happens.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And imagine
how embarrassing that would be,
to go to casualty with, you know...
They wouldn't believe the story,
would they? They really wouldn't.
"There's a ukulele..."
"What?" If you got the pose wrong,
one would be an attracting
and one would be opposing...
Like a hoovering...?
..and the ukulele would be...
What if you got...
You could have attracting breasts
or your breasts might be
fighting each other.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that would be
brilliant, breasts going like that.
Oh, my breasts are at war,
my breasts are at war!
Or they might alternatively clash.
I can't separate my breasts!
Because, you know,
when you're sunbathing and it all,
everything kind of falls apart...
Everything slips away, yeah.
I think there's something in this.
I think there's something in this.
I can see that in Hamleys,
the breast machine. In Hamleys.
People demonstrating it
as you go in.
"Operate the breast machine."
When you're in Argentina, find me!
How long have you been completely
at ease with celebrity for?
I was at the Cannes Film Festival.
ALL: Oooh!
And you're not posh.
No, I'm the only working-class lad
that's ever won the Palme d'Or.
No, we did a film and we were
in the Cannes Film Festival,
and it was all crazy and mad
and we got invited to this party.
What was the film?
Tell us what the film was.
I, Daniel Blake.
I, Daniel Blake, Ken Loach film.
Ken Loach's new film.
APPLAUSE
And we got invited to this party
and it was sort of like
there was loads of sort of
these celebrities here.
And Juliette Binoche came up
and said,
"You are him from the film,
aren't you?"
She was like, "I saw the film.
"You made me cry,
a beautiful performance."
I went, "Oh, thanks very much."
And then she cuddled me and I think
I held on a little bit too long.
LAUGHTER
"Yes, it's..." And I was like...
No, she smells so nice.
And then just as she left,
I saw Donald Sutherland
walking across,
and I was with the girl
who's in the film, Hayley,
and he came over and he went,
"Your film is fantastic,
I loved it.
"Thank you very much," and he shook
my hand and he shook Hayley's hand
and then he walked away.
We stood like that and I went,
"I'm glad you're here,
because I wouldn't have
believed that happened."
And she went, "Yeah,"
and I said, "You know what
the weird thing is about that,
"is that we saw him
coming towards us
"and we were both going,
'That's Donald Sutherland,'
"but he was going,
'Oh, there's Dave and Hayley.'"
LAUGHTER
Which threw everything off.
And then what happened after that,
I got back and it was all mad and I
got back to the hotel and I thought,
this is crazy, this,
and I went for a drink in the bar
and I was standing and this woman
was staring at me like this,
very attractive, about 50s.
She came up and she sat down
beside me and she went...
"It is you." And I went,
"Yeah," and she goes...
.."I have been looking for you."
I went...
Wow. .."Who are you?"
LAUGHTER
She goes, "I've seen your film.
I couldn't get it out of my mind."
She says, "I am from Argentina.
We must talk."
And she goes off and she gets
a bottle of wine
and she comes back
and I'm going, "Oh, no,"
and she's going,
she goes, "I saw your film.
"You, you are one of the greatest
actors I have ever seen."
And I thought,
my mates have done this.
And I expect to see somebody
like you, Alan, going...
And I was going, "Oh, thank you."
She was getting really close to me
and then said she said, she said,
"We must talk about film
and about everything -
"I want to know
everything about you."
I was thinking, now,
you're in a coma.
And you've just... You've totally
just... You're actually...
This is it, and she goes,
"I went..." I said,
"I've got to get up
really early in the morning."
Oh, what? What?
What's happened to you?
It's a Ken Loach film,
I can't be doing stuff like that!
She goes, "No, no."
She went, "Now that I've found you,
I cannot lose you."
And I went, "I've got to
be up at half seven."
Terrified. Terrified.
She goes, "Wait, wait."
She goes into her bag
and she pulls out this...
She goes, "Here."
And out of my hand, it was a card,
and she just went...
.."When you're in Argentina,
find me!"
Amazing.
APPLAUSE
Not... Not, not, "Oh, if you're ever
in Argentina, why don't you..."
"WHEN you're in Argentina, find me."
So I thought, this is mental,
goes up into the lift, presses...
I'm in all the dinner jacket,
press the lift,
opens the lift door
and I just went, "No!" -
Woody Allen is standing in the lift!
GEMMA GASPS
I just went...
And we both went up in the lift.
Now, I love Woody Allen.
We're going up in the lift,
both in dinner jackets
and I was just like this.
We both just went...
LAUGHTER
It was mad. I thought my head
was going to explode.
The whole thing was just insane.
So that's what happened.
I got a celebrity overload.
Now, Gemma Cairney.
Mm-hm. Disgraced yourself at dinner,
I understand.
I didn't disgrace myself,
but I did have an amazing evening.
OK. I went to dinner
with Grace Jones.
ALL GASP
Oh, my God. It was epic.
In your face, celebrity boy.
LAUGHTER
It was for a radio show,
and it was like
take the listeners
to dinner with Grace,
and they'd given us the slot
on BBC 6 Music on a Friday night,
which is the Iggy Pop slot
and a lot of people love that
because, obviously,
Iggy Pop is a legend.
So I felt quite nervous, because
I am not a legend, but Grace is.
And no-one knew
if she was going to turn up,
what kind of mood she was going to
be in, how long she would stay,
whether she would actually
eat dinner and drink...
You know, no-one knew
what was going to happen,
but it was an amazing evening
and she was so fun.
And, weirdly, quite shy.
Like, I know people
wouldn't expect that,
but I kind of got to know, like,
different parts of her, like...
Different parts of her!
LAUGHTER
She didn't seem that shy!
Like...
It was just strange anecdotes,
like how Andy Warhol
used to dance in Studio 54.
Like, apparently
he was quite hunched
and did a little
slow groove, like this.
So was it just the two of you, then?
Yeah. It was really cool. Amazing.
She tried to, like, she was pouring
lots of wine, she loved Sancerre,
she was like, "White to be
all right, red for bed."
She loves her wine.
That doesn't work, by the way.
Just because it rhymes
doesn't mean it's true.
She started pouring my glass
and I was like,
"I'm kind of working, like,
"I need to not be drunk,"
and she was like,
"Darling, this is basically water."
Like, you will join me for a drink.
Or I'll punch your lights oot!
Um, and little weird things,
like her worst noise.
I was like, "What do you hate?"
She was like,
"I hate it when people are
"clinking dishes in the dishwasher."
I was just like,
I can never even imagine
Grace Jones, like,
round a dishwasher.
Um... Was she dressed outlandishly?
Did she have her hair done,
or was she old jeans and jumper?
What was she wearing?
She was wearing this amazing
all-in-one, like a boiler suit
that had loads of pockets
and a kind of old-school
pilot's hat, you know like...
Chubby Brown.
Chubby Brown tribute.
You don't want to get
them two mixed up, do you -
Grace Jones and Chubby Brown!
Never seen in the same room!
Oh, my God. I'd like
to see Chubby Brown
doing Pull Up To The Bumper
in karaoke. Oh, yes, I would too.
He would make it
really filthy, wouldn't he?
He would make it absolutely filthy.
Did you like her?
I really liked her.
She, like, she gave me
this permission that I use
whenever I go out partying now.
Because I was like, Grace
gave me the permission to party,
because I was like really
quizzing her about Studio 54,
because I'm a bit kind of
obsessed with that era
and I wasn't around then,
so I was like, "Tell me, tell me
about Andy Warhol dancing,
"tell me what you used to wear, tell
me what it looked like in there,
"tell me everything."
She was telling me, like,
all these brilliant stories.
I was like, "What did it smell
like?" I just got too into it,
like, too fan-girl, and I lost
my cool and she was just like,
"Oh, darling, you're so cute,"
and I was like,
oh, no, we were on a par and I've
ruined it, and she was just like,
"Just have your own party, darling."
I was like, "All right."
So, yeah, permission
from Grace, all of us.
Today, Studio 54, right here, guys.
She prodded it and it went...
Ah!
Argh, argh. Argh!
Now, Lucy, your grandad...
Um, this is my favourite
family story.
He saw the light?
I never knew my grandad,
he had died before I was born,
and I never really
heard much about him
and I knew he'd been
a bit of a rogue.
One day, I was talking to my auntie
and she said, "Oh, yeah,
"there's quite a famous family
story about your grandad,"
which was he was a builder
and he had a little building firm,
he was doing all right,
and then he sadly started drinking.
And he was drinking,
things were getting quite bad
and he got to the point
where he was at rock-bottom,
his wife had left him,
kids wouldn't talk to him
and he was living in his van,
all he had left was his van and
his ladders, and he went to...
He went to the pub one day.
He only had like a couple of
coins left, went to the pub,
bought a pint and sat there sinking
this pint, thinking, oh, God,
what a mess I've made of my life,
what am I going to do?
I'm going to have to sell the van,
what am I going to do?
And then he finished this pint,
put it down on the table
and at the exact moment
he put it down on the table,
a shaft of sunlight came in
through the pub window.
And this shaft of sunlight
passed through the cross on the
spire of the church outside,
and it projected the perfect
image of a cross
on the table in front of my grandad.
And he went home, he was inspired,
and he went home and got his van
and his ladders and he...
And he became
the greatest window cleaner...
He went up on the church roof and
nicked the lead. Nicked it, yeah.
Nicked the lead!
Then went off, sold the lead,
came back to the pub
and bought everyone
a round of drinks.
And the police came,
and he'd left the van outside.
Any, anyway, he went away
for six months.
That's the...
But he did eventually stop drinking,
so there is a happy ending.
That's great, oh, that's good.
I just loved that.
Now, Reece, was it
a painful thing in your eye?
Do you want me to say? Yeah.
I suppose I should, shouldn't I?
No. No, no. I'm not going to say.
Um, there's a back story to this.
I don't know if you can see
on my face, but -
don't go too close
with the cameras -
but I've got a scar,
there, isn't it?
You see it?
A little bit of blue? Yes.
That is coal dust, because
when I was little I ran into my...
My mum was coming in with a shovel
full of coal, for the coal fire.
You think you're poor? Aye.
And I ran in, I thought she was
coming in with sweets,
I don't know why.
I thought, "Wispa!" I ran in
and the coal scuttle went into
the corner of my face, there.
I went to hospital and had stitches,
that was being sealed up,
that was a trauma
but I was all right.
If it had been a bit lower,
it would have gone in my eye.
But that's not the story.
It's not the eye story.
The next thing is,
this is like How We Used To Live.
When we had, before iPhones,
we had a reel-to-reel cine projector
when I was little,
and we used to watch films.
We had reel-to-reel films,
Laurel and Hardy
and various other things.
I remember this incident happened
when we were watching
a Woody Woodpecker cartoon
on a reel-to-reel film.
I was little, about eight.
In the dark,
projected against
the white door in our house.
And it was, I remember it very well,
at one point he became a pirate and
I was chewing bubbly, watching it,
as little boy, Hubba Bubba.
If you remember the brand.
And when the lights came up
at the end of the thing,
"That was good,"
Dad turned the lights on,
I had a bubbly eye patch
which I'd made when I...
And pressed it onto my eye,
and sealed my eye down.
Another hospital trip.
What is it with eyes
and things being glued?
But then I went to the hospital
and it was being taken off.
It was quite weirdly serious,
because it was, like,
all in the lashes.
I've got quite long lashes,
I don't know if you've noticed.
I noticed that.
I knew you spotted that,
I saw you looking at me. I saw you.
I'm getting a nice breeze
when you blink. Yeah.
I've got cowbells.
And then the thing...
The sort of coda to this,
I was in the hospital
having that done
and apparently the matron of
the ward thought that was pen
and was scrubbing at it,
trying to get it off.
Oh, whoa.
My dad went mad at them,
"That's when he was here last week!"
with the mark.
So that's my horrible
don't-put-bubbly-on-your-eye
public information film.
You were kind of
constructing a patch.
I thought I was copying Woody
Woodpecker, what's wrong with that?
Just having a laugh.
You could probably take some
sort of legal action against...
I'm not sure, not now.
Also, we just didn't have
that compensation, you know,
you wouldn't have thought that.
Not your fault, yeah. My sister...
"A bubbly eye patch -
not your fault?"
LAUGHTER
This has happened to me.
Get your texts. "I hear you've
just had bubbly eye patch."
Someone just rings you
out of the blue.
"Is this right you've had
a chewing gum accident?"
"Our records say that
you had bubbly in your eye."
That's brilliant. And Hubba Bubba,
just going, "Another one?!"
A queue of people who'd got chewing
gum stuck in all kinds of places.
Different cartoons,
Tom and Jerry my one.
I tried to make an anvil, took a
lot of Hubba Bubba, but I did it.
I was only little, but anyway.
My sister, when she was
in her teens,
went to the fairground
and she was on the waltzers,
and the car came off the waltzers.
Luckily it was sort of
going past a gap in the barrier
and they'd all got thrown out,
because if it had hit the barrier
then it would have been
a different story.
She was covered in bruises.
And she came home
and she'd got one of the massive
stuffed animals and, like...
That was it.
That was the compensation.
You think, now, it would have been
on the news,
and I, to be honest,
she came back and I was like,
"Oh, I wish I'd fallen off
the waltzer!"
Nothing a nice
giant bear won't cure.
She should have held out for
a goldfish with no mouth as well.
But isn't that the good thing -
in them days, they just went,
that was it, there was no,
like you say, compensation,
unless you fell face-down
into some disregarded bubbly.
LAUGHTER
Yeah. No, no,
but it's good, that, yeah.
Do you remember, from, I think,
my other fairground story,
when Hull Fair,
which is huge, Hull Fair -
that lady'll know, she's from Hull,
behind me. We had a chat.
They used to sell,
I think they're disbanded now,
but I think
they were called clackers.
All it was was two rock-hard balls
that they clack together.
You remember?
She knows it, she knows it.
And I got... I won some from Hull
Fair and took them home
and immediately clacked them and
cracked the television. Oh, my God.
That's so naughty.
Oh, no. So naughty.
Yeah, I was told off again.
Yeah. My dad held me down, put
bubbly on me eye, "I'll show you."
In back lanes, in back lanes,
in the north-east,
you could see them
hanging over the telegraph wires,
where kids would just throw them up
and then go, "Hey... Oh."
I'm sure it's... Gone.
And all you had was all these kids
just looking up at telegraph wires.
"Oh, well, we'll have to wait
till next Christmas then...
"for the next fad."
Totally lethal, weren't they?
They're what people use in...
Bond villains use them, don't they?
But people just
manufactured stuff back then.
"Yeah, give that to the kids,
go on, go on.
"Look, an unmilked scorpion
on a stick."
"The kids would love that."
Are you absolutely certain that your
mother did everything she could
to avoid you with the coal scuttle?
Well, the story I've been told is,
I don't really remember it now,
but I ran in and she was
coming through the kitchen
to put it on the coal fire,
and then dong - and it stuck in.
That's like the time she blew
herself up with the gas oven.
It literally blew up in her face.
It was on, "hisss",
going "click, click, click, click",
and there was obviously
a massive build-up of gas.
Boom! Eyebrows off, tights gone.
I remember the tights
in big patches, burned,
and her hair on fire.
My dad comes in from work,
"Oh," puts it out.
When did you have a swell time on
holiday, what does that refer to?
Oh, OK, I was in Sharm el-Sheikh in
Egypt and I was with my best friend.
I'd gone in replacement
for her previous boyfriend.
They'd booked the holiday together,
so I was, like, on top form
to be really, really fun,
cos they'd split up
I was just like, "Just take me."
So we were drinking cocktails
that looked like this
and having a great time.
One evening I got bit by a mosquito
on my ear lobe which, weirdly,
if you look at my ear lobes, they
're quite big and dangly anyway,
and it made my ear lobe swell
and it just got bigger
and bigger and shinier and redder
and it was really sort of hard.
It was really weird.
She coined the phrase "J.Lobe".
And everybody from the rest of
the holiday around the entire resort
would sing J.Lo lyrics
to me wherever I went.
It would be like a slow realisation.
We would be out, entertaining,
being really cool.
Yeah, we're two young girls on
holiday,
whoo, we're so cool.
Then my friend would be like,
"Hey, hey, hey.
"Look at Gemma's face."
They would be like, "Yeah?"
"Anything weird about her face?"
"No, she looks... Nice tan, great."
"Look at her lobe. Look at J.Lobe!"
Some people were like,
"Oh, my God, it's massive."
I can just imagine lads
standing there going,
"Oh, look at the ear lobes."
It's a sign of arousal.
The woman's ear lobe!
Did it to go up and down,
or did it...?
It was just stayed big and red.
It was very strange.
Did it pop eventually?
Yeah. It was also really itchy.
So you would have this itchy lobe...
Mosquito bait?
Yeah. Yeah, it's probably yours.
Yeah, there's probably
all sorts of stuff in there.
It's quite a few years ago, I feel
all right. It's gone back to normal.
No, no, no, no, it takes years.
Is dormant in your system now.
J.Lobe.
Just when your life's going well.
I mean, J.Lo's got a juicy bum
and I had a juicy ear lobe.
Just so classic.
What happened when it popped?
Were you still on holiday, were you
at home? Think it's when I got home.
Or maybe on the plane or something
dramatic like that.
Always something terrible happens
on the plane, doesn't it?
Was there a lot of stuff?
Yeah, it was disgusting.
So, yeah, that was awful.
People want to see videos of that.
I didn't realise there's a thing on
the internet, people bursting spots
is, like, a huge Internet...
I know, right?
We have evolved as
a species, haven't we?
Did you make a fuss when it popped?
Probably, yeah. Yeah?
Also, it was just so embarrassing.
Shot everywhere?
Yeah, it was disgusting.
I had an abscess on my back once.
How was that?
It was a bit tender. Yeah.
Oh, this is going to be really grim.
Well, you have to
know my wife, really.
You two know my wife.
Your poor long-suffering wife.
My poor long-suffering wife.
As if being married to you
wasn't bad enough.
Because her sister, right...
I'm ignoring that remark.
Her sister is a nurse.
Or used to be a nurse.
And would be bang up for
anything to do with abscess.
She would be offering to drain it
immediately, getting gloves on,
saying "Let me have it,
let me have it."
Kate is not like that.
When eventually,
I said, "I think it's a bit..."
"Could you have a look at it?"
She prodded it and it went...
THEY ALL GASP IN HORROR
She was behind me going...
"Argh! Argh, argh!"
What's happening?
What's happening?
"There's stuff coming out of it.
There are spiders!"
And then she went...
I said, "Get it out, get it out."
She went like that,
and it went up the wall.
Oh, my God! I mean,
this thing was unbelievable.
And it carried on doing it for days.
Every morning, I would say,
"Can you have a little...?"
Clean out me wound?
Like that... Pffff!
Have you ever had an ingrowing hair?
They're good. Are they? Yeah.
Like, if you wax your legs -
or elsewhere -
you get little ingrowing hairs,
and then sometimes...
It's like a magician's flag,
so you just sort of break the skin,
and it just keeps coming and coming
and coming and coming.
It's growing...? It's ingrowing.
Mine's all ingrown.
LAUGHTER
It's in there.
The hair's just in there.
I'm actually looking at you
through curtains of hair.
Do you not fancy a waxing?
Can you imagine?
Can you imagine waxing a Geordie?
What a job that would be.
"Where you going?"
"I'm waxing Geordies today."
"Get the big barrel of wax in.
"Come on. Just dip them in."
Just loads of Geordies hanging on...
Brrr!
I think every man should get waxed.
Oh, no, wait,
don't be stupid, man. Once.
Not because of an aesthetic thing
that I would want from a man, but...
If you said that to my dad...
I just think, try it, try it,
and see what it's like, because...
"Are you taking us out to the zoo?"
"No, I'm taking you out
for a waxing, Dad."
And then Ken was like, "Hello,
I'm Ken. This is Pat the wife.
"Don't actually pat the wife. Oh!"
LAUGHTER
So, Lucy, who are Ken and Pat?
OK. And why haven't you told them?
Ken and Pat, they're real names.
Now I'm wondering about the wisdom
of telling this story,
but we'll press on. Come on.
Ken and Pat
are next-door neighbours.
Loveliest couple in the world. Your
current next-door neighbours? Yeah.
SURPRISED GASPS
But they are just absolutely...
When they moved in,
they were so lovely,
they came round and Ken was like,
"Hello, I'm Ken.
This is Pat, the wife -
"don't actually pat the wife. Oh!"
"You can if you want,
she doesn't bite."
They are the loveliest people
you could ever meet.
The loveliest people.
And we moved in, and they said...
They said, "Oh, we're a bit
excited about you moving in
"because we hear you're an actor
and a stand-up comedian.
"And we've never had bohemians
on the close before."
I was like, it's so
nice being called a bohemian.
And then they said,
"Oh, but we're a little bit worried
"that you're going to have
lots of wild showbiz parties
"with all your famous friends."
I was like,
"Apart from Dave Johns,
"I've got no famous friends."
We were like, "Oh, no, don't be
ridiculous, we're not showbiz...
"We're not famous,
we're not showbizzy.
"We've just got an unusual jobs.
We're probably the most boring,
"normal, ordinary people
you could ever meet."
Right. So we said that.
Two weeks after we moved in,
my mum came to stay -
she'd broken her hip.
And the hospital
had given her a Zimmer frame.
They said, you've got to
go out 5-10 minutes a day,
walking on the Zimmer,
put weight through the hip.
Anyway, so she's been going out.
I've been taking her around,
showing her, it's a new area.
So I'm showing her around,
and then, one day, she says,
"Luce, I think I'm ready.
I'm going to go out on me own."
So she goes off for this walk.
But she went a bit too far.
She's very ambitious.
She's very sort of zealous. So she
went a bit too far, got a bit lost.
Didn't know where she was.
Was starting to panic a bit.
She found two guys who were doing
building work on a house nearby.
Went up, explained her predicament,
and they said, "We know exactly
where your daughter lives.
"We know that address. We're about
to knock off work for the day,
"so why don't we just
give you a lift back?"
So they gave her a lift back,
but they had one of those flatbed
trucks that builders have sometimes.
So they stick Mum...
They get her up the ramp,
and they put her on the bench
on the back of the truck
with her Zimmer next to her.
She was fine, she came back,
she said, "Oh, it was brilliant,
the wind was blowing my hair.
"It was like the '60s."
So, anyway, so she was fine,
but I didn't know this.
And I was at home
and I was getting ready to go out.
I was going to a David Bowie
theme party,
it was just after Bowie died.
And we were having this party,
where me and all my mates were
going as Bowie from different eras.
And I was going as Bowie
from the Ashes to Ashes video
which, if you remember,
was where he was dressed as a clown.
So I had this white clown suit,
big, pointy white clown hat.
I've got all this on.
Justin wasn't home,
Justin had been away filming.
I was like, "Where's Justin?"
Because, you know,
he was meant to be back
and my mum wasn't back, and
she'd been gone about 45 minutes.
I'm, like, now panicking,
thinking, where is she?
And I'm just putting
the finishing touches to make-up
and I hear a vehicle
pull up outside.
So, naturally, I go out
to see what's happening,
and it's at this point
that Ken and Pat come back
from their shopping trip.
So they drive on to the close
and they see their new neighbour
dressed in full clown,
apparently taking delivery
of an old lady.
LAUGHTER
Amazing. Like it's some kind of
old-lady delivery service.
There's a guy there
with a clipboard,
so it's like OAP DHL or something.
You'll have to sign for it. Exactly!
"Got a nice one for you here."
So, anyway... And that was weird.
But as they drew up,
it got even weirder,
because the guy who'd been
driving the builders' van,
he hadn't seen what was going on,
so he came round to have a look,
and it turns out he had
a massive phobia of clowns.
So now, they've got me
dressed as a clown
taking delivery of an old lady
and the driver's there, just like...
The whole thing was...
I kind of just saw
Ken and Pat go into their house.
And the thing that I love
about this the most,
the very British thing, is that
Ken and Pat have never mentioned it.
I just love that. It's like,
"Well, it's probably some sort of
absurdist promenade theatre, Pat."
They're probably wondering
where the old lady went.
"Oh, they must have sent her back."
Yeah, because my mum left,
you know, the week after,
never to be seen again.
I've had a Halloween experience
a bit like that.
I love Halloween and I got dressed
up one year to go to a party,
and came back about
three in the morning.
I was in a cowl and a skeleton face
that I'd drawn on.
Classic. Of course.
Grim Reaper. And I was locked out.
And no-one at home.
No keys, obviously.
I was like, "Oh, no".
So I rang a locksmith.
I was in the cowl
and the skeleton face.
It was, like, three in the morning,
it was freezing.
People started to...
Someone walked past.
I thought, God, actually,
I look a bit frightening.
So I stepped back into the shadows.
Because that wouldn't be
frightening at all(!)
Then I started to think,
when he comes he's going to be...
I've got to sort of ease the blow
of what I look like.
So I stood in the shadows,
and he finally came.
I was freezing. And he walked up.
I sort of got frozen in thinking
he's going to think
it's so frightening.
And I was just stood in the shadows.
And I eventually...
He came to the door, was
looking around, and I said...
I literally said,
"Don't be afraid of me."
A disembodied voice said,
"Don't be afraid of me.
"I've got make-up on."
And then, I stepped out
as the skeleton.
He was like,
"What the fucking hell?!"
And I explained it and he let me in.
But yeah, it was trapped in
that moment of not knowing...
I like the idea of you being
dressed up in the Bowie thing.
I saw David Bowie in '71 at...
At the... In a lift?
No, no. We didn't
have lifts back then.
I think it was at
the Sunderland Empire.
I remember, it was '71, and we were
in the front row of the gig,
and David Bowie came out -
it was the Ziggy Stardust tour.
And Bowie came out
and we were all really excited,
and I was in the front row.
And he had this jumpsuit on
where he had one long leg
and then one short leg.
And he put his foot up
on the monitor
and one of his nadgers popped out.
LAUGHTER
And you know what shocked us?
No glitter on it at all.
And I just went, it was like,
"You're not Ziggy,
you're just a bloke!"
And I just had this idea of him
being in the dressing room
and going, "Do you think I should
do my nadgers tonight, lads?"
And they go, "No, don't bother."
Honestly, and it was,
and his little old fella popped out.
And that traumatised me.
And from that day on,
glam rock died for me.
Now, you had a terrible time
on a submarine?
Yeah, what happened was,
I was booked to do some gigs...
On a submarine? Yes, for CSE.
You know, CSE, the
Combined Entertainment Services?
Oh, right. OK.
For, like, the Services.
For the military?
Yeah, yeah, the military.
So the Royal Navy got you.
So they wanted me
to go and do a gig.
Now, I didn't know
it was on a submarine.
What they said was, we're going to
fly you to Guam. Sounds nice.
"On a Tuesday?! I'm not going to
Guam on a Tuesday!"
So basically, they took me...
They took me...
I will tell you what happened.
We got on the plane.
We flew to... To Tokyo.
I was with this guy who was one of
the adjutants, or whatever he was,
He was going, "Oh, it must be
fascinating being a comedian.
"Who have you worked with?
Do you know Alan Davies?"
I went, "No, I don't know him."
He just talked about comedy all the
way through and we got to Tokyo
and he said, I'm going to
take you out for dinner,
we went out for dinner,
we had a lovely Tokyo dinner,
whatever, you know,
sushi and all that.
Then they said, "Tomorrow,
we're going to fly to Guam."
I had to look it up on the map,
it's in the South Pacific.
So we flew to Guam.
And there was four dancers
and a guy with a guitar and me.
I'm thinking... So they went...
"You've got to go to
the nuclear submarine,"
which I think was the Turbulence
of the something, the submarine.
So we turn up at this thing, right?
He goes, "You go down,
you do a little bit,
"and then you bring
the dancers on..."
So I walk into the wardroom
or whatever it was,
where the officers are
in the submarine, right?
And I went in, and they were
all dressed as women.
All the officers were dressed
as women with beards.
This room was tiny.
They were all sitting around,
and they went, "Right, go on.
Here's the entertainment."
I had to do stand-up to these blokes
in a submarine dressed...
Now, I've had some shit gigs.
I've had some shit...
And you could see that
they just wanted it over
so they could get
the dancers coming in.
You know, you have four dancers
dancing in a submarine, like this.
It was insane. It was insane.
Why were they dressed as women?
Because they thought
it would be a laugh. Right.
It's not dress
of a nuclear submarine.
"Aye, that's submarine, you
never know where it's sailing,
"or what they've got on...
"under the polar ice caps."
So they'd come back from the polar
ice caps, and they just thought,
we'll do it for a laugh.
Yeah. RuPaul's Drag Race
all over again.
But what happened was...
This guy, he goes to me...
So I was just dying a death.
One of them went,
"So is this just like
a holiday for you?"
And I went, "Yeah, I got in touch
"with a travel agent
in Newcastle and said...
"could I have three days
dying on my arse
"in a submarine in Guam, please?"
And they went, "We just seem to
have something right here for you."
I've done ones where...
There was a pub in Kent
where they used to have a gig.
People had said,
"Oh, it's a really tough gig."
I said, "I'm sure I'll be fine."
It was where they had the carvery,
they had a little microphone
stuck to the back of the carvery.
You had to kind of bend down.
The smell of roast potatoes
kind of just...
And try and do...
And there was one light
that was over there so you
had to angle yourself into it.
I think it's cos they think
you can do a gig anywhere.
They go, "Well, if you're funny,
you can do a gig anywhere, man."
You go, "No, mate,
I can't," you know.
I've done ones in Australia
in a car showroom, during the day,
and you're just standing
in a car showroom.
And they go, "Just do it
for the customers
"while they're coming round
looking at cars."
They just look at you and go,
"There's a madman talking to me.
"On a microphone." And they go,
"Well, if you're funny..."
You go, "No, man.
"Stand-up's a precious orchid."
It can only survive in
the most delicate of situations.
Well, we need to think of
a title for this...event.
We've got a few.
All suggestions...are welcome.
I've got Can You Imagine
Waxing A Geordie?
Which is one of my favourites.
Yeah, waxing a Geordie.
Maybe a play on that.
All He Had Left
Was His Van And His Ladders.
All he had left was
his van and his ladders.
I quite like Tongue Tooth.
Sounds like a sort of prog-rock
band. Sounds like a horror.
LAUGHTER
We've got to stop. It's over.
Please thank my guests.
I've had a wonderful time
in their company.
Gemma Cairney, thank you very much.
APPLAUSE
Dave Johns.
APPLAUSE
Lucy Porter.
APPLAUSE
And Reece Shearsmith.
APPLAUSE
I'm Alan Davies, and you have been
watching My Breasts Are At War.
LAUGHTER
Subtitles by Ericsson