Alan Davies: As Yet Untitled (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Were You on the South Bank Show Last Night? - full transcript

APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Alan Davies,
and welcome to As Yet Untitled.

Now, tonight's show is the bits
that we couldn't fit in from the
other shows.

The premise is the same - there's
a conversation with no real rules

or agenda or anything established
in advance, including the intro.

LAUGHTER
And then at the end of it,

we try and think of a title
for what we've just seen,

and the difference is, on this show,
the people thinking of the title
haven't seen it.

LAUGHTER

That's it, so let's welcome
tonight's guests.

APPLAUSE



Hello. Hello. Hi. How are you doing?
Hello. How are you doing?

THEY EXCHANGE GREETINGS

Jason, did you fly today?
Did you fly from Dublin today?

Yeah. Did I? Yeah, I did.

It was good, it was...
Normal flight? Uneventful flight?

Nobody died, there was nothing...
LAUGHTER

I did ask you because, when I looked
at you, I thought of Sean Hughes.

What? Cos he sounds like me?
Cos he's another comedian from
Dublin who I know.

And when I toured with Sean Hughes,

which is over 20 years ago
and I was opening for him,

and we did a gig in Glasgow,
and he doesn't like...

I don't know what he's like now,
but at that time he said,

"I don't want to do a gig on the day
that I flied." Day that I flown...

Day that I flew.
LAUGHTER



I flied? Day that I flied.
Let's come up with a load more.

He didn't say that. I flaught. He
would have used the proper word.
That could be a new word.

And, so, we had to drive to Glasgow,
which I resented somewhat.

I wasn't allowed to fly, either, we
all had to go in the car so Sean had
some company.

But you don't have that stress?
I've flown to Australia.

I've gone to Melbourne
and I've had to do gigs two days
after I've landed,

but I never remember them
because I'm jet-lagged.

And it literally sounds like...
INDECIPHERABLE BABBLE

And they're all going...
MOUTHS

And I go...
INDECIPHERABLE BABBLE

It's like I'm watching myself doing
a gig. It's really bizarre, that is.

But, no. I don't like doing a gig
straight after a flight, no.

Even if it's a short flight.
But why are we scared of it?

I feel I should be scared of it
because it is irrational.

Do you mean scared of flying?
You're in a tube eight miles up.

Yeah. I have to reconcile myself
with certain death

before I get on the aeroplane.

But I don't know
if that's fear of flying,

it's just a process
I have to go through.

Do you think that if you imagine
the plane's going to crash that it
won't crash... Absolutely.

..cos you've predicted it.
That's what I think.

As long as I predicted the plane
won't crash it will be too
much of a coincidence if it does.

Yeah. Have I been killed in an air
crash? No, I have not.

Theory proven.
LAUGHTER

You could use the canary down a mine
theory, so maybe rent a pilot.

They sit beside you. So if the plane
goes, "wuuh", just look at him.

LAUGHTER
And if he doesn't go, "Jesus"...

Then if he just stays calm, even if
it's burning and going everywhere,

if he's still calm then it's fine.

We went to Pisa on holidays. Pisa?
Is that how you say that?

Is that right? Yeah. You can say it
like that if you want.

Unless you went to a pizza? No.

In which case that is not the way
you pronounce pizza.
That was there, that thing.

We were on the tarmac waiting
to take off in Pisa

and the fella came on and he went,
"Very sorry to disturb you,

"there's been a bit of a mishap."

And we're all going,
"I wonder what it is?"

He goes, "Our take-off
time is for yesterday."

LAUGHTER
And we were like "What?"

And he goes, "Yeah, we can't take
off cos we've missed our slot

"because it was actually yesterday,

"so we're going to wait here
until we get a new flight slot."

So we were waiting, right, and then
the pilot, this Irish pilot,

he just goes
"Right, I can't get a time slot."

He goes, "I'm going to bring the
plane out on to the runway." Right?

LAUGHTER
This is true.

And we're like "What?" I swear,
he wasn't...

Were you like, "What?"
or where you like, "Yeah!"

Yeah, we were literally going,
"Yeah! Bring it out, bring it out!"

Cos we were exhausted and hot, they
wouldn't even turn the plane on.

So he brought it on
and he drove it out.

I mean, he wasn't sure of...

You know when you back a car
out like that?
LAUGHTER

He didn't have the tuggy boat thing
or anything to pull him out,
he had to do it himself.

And he went out and he sat on the
runway, right,

so planes that were coming in would
have had to go back up again,

and as he sat there, after five
or ten minutes, maybe,

he just went,
"We have a new slot time."

LAUGHTER

And after 20 minutes
he just took off and then

we were late getting to the
connecting flight back to Dublin

and I said,
"Oh, we've missed our flights."

They went, "That's very terrible."
I said "Can I just get on another
flight?"

They said, "Yes, but it will be
full price."

And I went, "But it's your fault."
And they went "Well, I'm very sorry
but we weren't flying the plane."

Have you got the same dogs,
I visited you in Australia...

Same dogs, yeah.

..and you had a couple of big
hairy ones. Yeah.

All the animals in our life
look like me.

It's weird. My wife... Did you bring
all the animals with you?

Cos didn't you have two cows there?
I had four cows.

Are they still in Australia?
Yeah, they're still in Australia.

You didn't bring them over?
No, cos, you know, I love the cows,
but they were...

That's a lot of money...to fly.

They'd sit in coach,
they'd sit in economy.

Oh, yeah, they'd have to.
A bit of reading.

"My screen's not working."
HE HOWLS

That wasn't a cow.
Howling cows. Howling cows.

They're werecows! Hoo!

The trouble is, as well,
you can't guarantee.

You have to guarantee, like, one
seat in front of the other. Yes.

Cos they can't go sideways,

cos the arm rest
digs into the side of a cow.

So the back legs go in one seat,
and then they have to recline

the seat in front, and then the
front legs go over. Yes.

So that screen there is no good,
cos... Sure.

You have to get a smaller
animal to go under to look up.

There's milking and then there's
going to the toilet.

You could milk it
straight into a sick bag.

Or a spew bag.
Thanks very much.

Do you think you get their frequent
flyer miles, or do they keep them
themselves?

Very much so, and when they come
along and go, "Do you want chicken
or beef?"

They get a bit like that.
LAUGHTER

I went to... I sailed from Norway
to Greenland.

Don't! If you're ever offered
that, by the way, say,

"Oh, do you know what? No."
LAUGHTER

What? You sailed on a bear?
No, I didn't sail on a bear.

I wouldn't have...

That would have been foolhardy
in the extreme.

But when you get to Svalbard,

there's a fair few polar
bears around.

They give you a pamphlet of what to
do, and, basically, page one says,

"If you're going outside, have
a look out the window first,

"go out with someone who's got a
gun, don't take smelly food..."

Stuff like that.

And then page two is what to do
if you encounter a bear,

and it basically just says, "Enjoy
the close up view as it eats you."

LAUGHTER

And those are the instructions,
and it really does...

"Don't run, don't curl up,
don't play dead,

"don't climb a thing."
Just, like, that's it.

Don't you take
an item of clothing off

and throw it down in order that it
will stop and smell it?

You could do that. And then it would
eat you after that.

Yeah, then it would eat you
after that.

The polar bear is the only creature
that actually hunts man,

and they'll come and get you.

There's a story about two blokes,
and they're out, and they're a bit

worried about polar bears, and he
says "Why are you wearing trainers?"

And he says, "Well,
there's polar bears."

He says, "You're not going to outrun
a polar bear, it's pointless."

And he says, "I'm not trying to
outrun the polar bear,

"I'm going to outrun you."
LAUGHTER

I swam with one by mistake.

I was on a boat researching
climate change,

and when we got to Greenland, most
of the science stuff was done, and

one of the film-makers on the boat
said, "I really want to get footage

"of one of us floating between
icebergs - like man and nature.

"You do it."

And so all right, great, you know.
An amazing opportunity.

So I put on this survival suit,
and you can hear him on the film,
it's brilliant.

I sort of waddle over
and start climbing down the ladder
to get in the sea, and you can

hear him going, "Oh, quick! There's
a seal in the water, get in."

I thought, "That will be brilliant -
the icebergs, me, the seal."

I get in and I let go of the boat
like that and float away.

And you can't swim
much in a survival suit,
you're just floating like this.

And as I pushed away from the boat,

I heard him go "Oh, no, hang on.
It's a bear."

LAUGHTER
This bear...

AS YOGI BEAR: Hey, hey, Boo-Boo!

LAUGHTER

But he's filmed the bear.

You're the boat and I'm the bear,
and the bear's going across the
fjord and goes...

HE SNIFFS

It was a good distance away. Shit.

Like, I got back on the boat
fairly quickly...

Fairly rapidly, I'd imagine.

Pretty rapidly, and then I had to
pay for the survival suit cos...

LAUGHTER

But the bear, it had two cubs on
its back and it was swimming across

a fjord that should, at that time
of year, have been frozen,

and it wasn't, so they carry
the cubs across the fjord,

climb a mountain, down the next one
to try and find ice they can hunt
from.

And when she got out the water,
she looked like a whippet.

You know, like, so thin. Cos all
the fur sticks to you...

Really you should have given
yourself over.

LAUGHTER
That would have been...

Any conscientious environmentalist
would've gone, "Here, eat me!"

"Have an arm at least." If it had
actually been a seal in the water,

it would have sung...
# You're never gonna survive... #

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Where two lanes here and one lane
there, and then there'll be one
lane...

Do you know what I mean?
I can't drive. Right.

You might have well been going...
INDECIPHERABLE BABBLE

I was in a really weird car
accident with a horse once.

LAUGHTER

The horse driving?

This being in Dublin, right?

We checked it and he was slightly
more sober than me, so we thought...

What? You hit a horse?

No, it was an odd situation,
there was a fatality.

It's not a very funny story
so I don't mind if I don't tell ya.

But I'll tell you if you want, like.

I want to hear
the one about the dead horse.

It was... I was coming back from...

A horse died or a person died?
A man died. So did a horse.

Was he on the horse?
No, no. It's weirder than that.

Was he walking on the pavement
and you swerved to avoid a horse?

No. It's weirder than that.
So I'm leaving, it's about...

I did a gig in Cheltenham
and I was driving back to London,

and you've got to go on a sort of
unlit sort of A road.

There are a lot of A roads
before you get to the M4.

Exactly the one. It's undulating
countryside. It's quite dark. Yeah.

It was the summer months,
it was balmy,

I had the window open and I was
driving along about midnight.

It was like a Wednesday or Thursday.

It's one of those ones where
it's three lanes,

where two lanes here
and one lane there,

and then there'll be one lane...
You know what I mean?

They have on the country roads.
So I'm driving up this...

I can't drive. Right.

You might have well been going
INDECIPHERABLE BABBLE

Anyway, I was changing in to
third gear...

I can't even ride a horse either.
..and applying for my tax disc.

I'm driving along.
Where's the horse? It's coming.

So I'm driving along, and I see this
figure across the road from me.

And I'm thinking,
"There's something moving."

And I start slowing down to about
10mph, and I see it's a horse.

Now, it's a massive stallion.
Like a steeple jumper.

I know very little about horse
racing, but it's a Grand National...

Black Beauty. Yeah, it's
Black Beauty, but, like, massive.

These things are giant.
It's a silky, black, massive horse.

Lloyd's advert. Proper, yeah.

I like your horse references.
Yeah, those two horses.

It's got the undercoat,
it hasn't got the saddle on,

it's just got the under jacket.

It's got the bridling around its
neck and it's foaming at the mouth

and its eyes are like really wide
and it's really skittish and angry.

I ring the cops, right.

It's stopped across the road,

but unless it turns its face to you
it just disappears.

It's jet black. Black hedgerow
and it's a dark night.

A chameleon horse? Yeah, yeah.
Pretty much.

So I ring up the old bill and go,

"I don't know whether it's one of
those things where I'm going to
sound like I'm bothering your time

"but there's a horse loose on the
road." They were like, "Stay with
the horse."

"I'm not going anywhere near it,
it's massive." They go, "No, don't.
Just stay in your car."

And while I'm on the phone to the
dispatcher, coming over the bridge

of the hill, coming towards
the horse, a van came forward

and the horse just panicked and
leapt up on its hind legs and...

Boom!

50mph van going down a hill,
giant horse, straight into it.

Just oblivion. Just...

And I'm still on the phone...
Still on the phone?

..to the dispatcher and I'm like...
There were bits of horse everywhere.

It was just... Shit.
..carnage.

And it had all happened
in the space of, like, a minute.

Next thing, I'm in this situation.

The sat nav, one that you stick on,
exploded out of the cab of the lorry

and landed, smoking, on my lap.
Oh, God!

There was just glass... There was
everything everywhere, right?

And I just stayed in the car.
Like, what do I do?

And I get out and it's like
War of the Worlds.

There's viscera everywhere.

The van carried on down and stopped
at the bottom of the hill behind me,
about 100 metres behind me.

The cops, the fire brigade, they all
show up, they're down there,

and I'm just waiting at the top
with this guy's sat nav.

LAUGHTER

Surrounded by clods of horse
everywhere. Horse meat.

The cop, eventually...
I walk down to this cop.

This cop goes,
"Did you see anything?"

And I was like, "I'm the one who
rang you."

He goes, "We'll have to take a
statement. There's been a fatality'.

And I went, "Yes, the horse is
dead."

And he went, "Not the horse, mate."

And as he's saying this,
he's walking me around the front

of the van to the cop car,
and he walks me straight...

The entire front of the van has gone

and all that remains
is an outline of the man.

Get in the car, gives the statement
while we're still looking at this

and I get to the end of it and...

I've watched Casualty,
we've all watched Casualty.

I get to the end of giving him
my statement, and he went,

"Right then, OK. You all right?"
I went, "Uh...

"Could really do with
a cup of tea right now."

And he went, "I'm not a cafe, mate.
Off you go."

LAUGHTER

Wow! Wow! My God.

What would have been better is
if he had lifted his helmet up

LAUGHTER

You went to Rada?
I did go to the Rada, yeah.

Oh, rah. Rada, I went to Rada!

The Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts.
Yeah. Very difficult to get into.

Now, the good thing... I like people
who went to drama school

cos normally they have
a surprising classmate.

Or someone who was
there at the same time. OK, yeah.

Yeah, go on, then.
I had lots, actually.

I've just worked with Iain Glen,
who was... You know Iain Glen?

Yeah. Was he at Rada
with you, though?

Yeah, or Neil, who's now in
Midsomer Murders.

He's the detective in Midsummer.

You know, who's got the dog?
Isn't that Bergerac?

No, that's John Nettles.

John Nettle... Oh, John...
We always talk about John Nettles.

Do we? Yeah, I think you and I have
talked about John Nettles before.

Have we? Yeah.
LAUGHTER

That show only works
cos Bergerac's in it.

Otherwise you'd think,
"This is ridiculous.

"People keep getting
murdered in a village."

Do you have Midsomer Murders
in Melbourne?

Uh... Yes! Yes, we do, it's on...
Every afternoon!

It's on the Australian equivalent of
the BBC - on the ABC -

and it's on so often people write
letters saying "enough".

"Get this shit off."
Yeah, enough. Well, not shit.

We went through that here.
Oh, right.

And now it's gone beyond. It's that
thing of repetition with comedy.

We now love it. It's hilarious.

Yes. It's OK now, you're no-one
unless you've been in it.

But like lots of crime TV shows
based in a village, you go,

"Why would anyone want
to move there?

"It's a very, very dangerous
village." Yes.

You'd expect to see "For Sale"
boards all round the common.

Yes, exactly, but they're all
so sweet and nice and lovely.

But people get killed every week.

It's Ukip heaven.
LAUGHTER

Yes. Because no-one's there.

There's nobody in the village
whose family didn't move in at least
500 years ago.

In fact, my father-in-law,
bless him, he thought...

He's Australian, obviously.
Well, not obviously,

but I said my wife was Australian,
so I thought people would remember.

So keep up, people, keep up!

He... Heartbeat was on
so much on Australian TV,

he genuinely thought
he was watching a cop show.

He didn't realise it was a period
piece that was made now.

He thought it was an old show
that was being played.

He thought it was like an old
show from the '50s.

I was going, "It would have been
in black and white, wouldn't it?"

"Oh, yeah."
LAUGHTER

You were very good on Comic Relief.
Oh, that's very kind of you to say.

Who did you do? Nicki Minaj. OK.

And she's a rapper,
artist, and she has,

I believe, from different sources,
bum implants.

That's a new thing.
Hooters is out, the bum is in.

It was a great prop, though.
Your ass went... Ah, yeah, it did.

She's really got implants
in her bum?

She has, I think.
She denies it, but come on!

Did you see the one that went wrong?
When Surgery Goes Bad one

when they had literally filled
it with concrete? Yes.

Extraordinary. What? Concrete?
I promise you.

You think you've got problems
with your high arches.

Imagine sitting on a loo
and hearing it go clunk.

But if I were to have...

What's that that they do in one
of those Georgian houses,

where they finish it off smooth?
What's that called? Artex?

Maybe Artex or something...
Stucco frontage.

If I had a frontage,
we'll call it that.

Is that right? Anyone know?
Rendering. Rendering! Rendering!

So if I had my ass rendered...
It's a very dull term for stucco.

If I had it rendered and there was
only one means of escape for the...

For things... Yeah.
That could solve... Oh, no.

I couldn't sit down with
a rendered ass, could I?

No, not comfortably.
There was a surgery programme where
they put concrete in someone?

I promise you. Yeah.
The mafia were doing the surgery.

LAUGHTER

Concrete.
Wow! In boobs or in the bum? Bum.

Basically, my choice to do
Nicki Minaj...

A lot of people thought it was
a lot of things. It was a
commentary, I believe,

a social commentary, on how we're
enlarging these sexual organs.

Bigger boobs, bigger bum,
look at this!

And women are using all
kinds of things

and they want to do it cheaper,
they all want access to it.

So, as Mr Mortimer said, yes.

Some lady went to an unlicensed
surgeon

and instead of using
the firmer implants,

cos that's what you
need for a bum...

You can get pectoral implants,
you can get anything implanted now.

She went somewhere dodgy
and they put actual concrete...

Did she die? She died.
I'm not sure, but it's true.

I had a little tiny duck
inserted into my testicle.

LAUGHTER

And it was fun for a while because
they would float up in the bath.

LAUGHTER
But I got rid of it in the end.

It's just... It's a fad.

I know someone famous whose name
I can't, sadly, say,

who had an STD and went to a
clinic...

Can we say the name and you...
Can we guess it? No, no.

..say no if it isn't them
Can you say the name of the STD?

What? Chlamydia. Chlamydia.

And they went into...
And of course... Gary Barlow.

LAUGHTER

I'm not going to be able to tell
this now cos it will be the name.

Cos it is Gary Barlow.

LAUGHTER
Got it in one. You're far too close.

What was it? Barry Garlow?

LAUGHTER

But they were doing
the cotton bud down the...

Yeah. Oh!
Put the cotton bud down the urethra,

and he's holding his old fella doing
that with a cotton bud,

and he's going...

"Were you on The South Bank Show
last night?"

LAUGHTER

We were speaking before the
recording about Noel's got tinges
of regret about his choice.

I like it. No, I asked
for a Myra Hindley haircut.

LAUGHTER

Bob, you did all
kinds of different jobs.

Well, a few. You started out
living up in Middlesbrough

working as a bin man, were you not?
And all sorts.

My first job was in a chicken
factory, then I was a dustman.

They make chickens in factories?
LAUGHTER

Do you know Marcus? They kind of do.

This was Chubby Chickens,
before there were regulations.

My very first job was you sat
opposite someone

as the chickens came past.

They were really tiny and you had
these guns and you went...

IMITATES DRILLING

One in the breast and one
in the leg and "bang"...

I want that chicken. Inflatable? No.

Hang on, you inflated chickens?
LAUGHTER

It's water and...silicone
or something.

Delicious. Twice the size.

Pump them up to be twice the size.
Pump them up, yeah.

Um, and then I used to
have to fill the ovens up to make

the fertilizer with the bits
they didn't need.

There isn't much. They don't use
the feet, talons, whatever. Yeah.

And some liquids
and that's about it, really.

I ordered chicken feet in a Chinese
restaurant once,

cos it looked interesting.

The waiter said, "You do know only
Chinese people eat this."

Which I thought was an excellent
warning.

As if to go, "You'll absolutely find
this disgusting."

And it was awful.
I had a similar experience.

There's a Chinese restaurant,
now closed, that used to be where
I lived.

Really good, I liked it a lot, and
we got to know the woman who

ran it and she said one day, "Would
you like to see the Chinese menu?

"We don't put it out for the English
customers as they would just

"leave in disgust."

And I think the only thing I...

She kind of broke us in gently with
a jellyfish and cucumber salad,

which was lush!
Kind of a chilled salad.

Did you eat it? Yeah, it was
delicious. It's quite nice.

But the idea of there being this
hidden secret menu.

Often you go to a Chinese
and you see the Chinese with...

and you think, "What's that thing
that looks like heaven?"

And then you look at yours and it's,
you know, sweet and sour chicken.

It's fine, I don't want what they're
having, which is great.

They had two rooms, and downstairs
was full of Chinese people

doing karaoke
and eating God knows what!

LAUGHTER

I mean, they do eat every part
of... Nose to tail.

And it's good. Actually, I was in
China last year doing some gigs,

and we had a guide taking us up on
the Great Wall and I said to him,

"What animals are there here?

"Bears? Wolves? Foxes?
That sort of thing?"

He just went, "No, we ate them."
LAUGHTER

But not with any sense of,
"Oh, and we shouldn't have."

It was absolutely with
a sense of pride.

And I looked a bit shocked.
And he said, "Yeah, yeah.

"You know we'll eat anything."
He said... What was it he said?

"Chinese people will eat anything
with legs except for a table."

A table. Exactly.
LAUGHTER

When I went to Hong Kong,
I went on a tour bus round.
That's exactly what the bloke said.

"What's the only thing with four
legs we won't eat?

"A table. The only thing with two
wings we won't eat is an aeroplane."

LAUGHTER
We're all roaring with laughter.

Or a sanitary towel.
A sanitary towel.

LAUGHTER
It depends on the sauce.

GROANS AND LAUGHTER

I had a kid come up to me
the other day and he said,

"You do cooking, innit? On TV."

And I said, "No." "Yeah, you do."
And then he went away.

I love that. I love that when they,
"No, no. You..."

I don't know who it is.

I get... It might be the same as me.
James Martin, I sometimes get.

Yes, you do. Yes! YES!
You look like so many people.

Mr Mystero face.
Every time a different person.

That detective from The Lighthouse.
Mysterious Richard Herring.

A guy came up to me and said,

"Your cooking stuff
really changed my..."

I was filming something else
and I just had to go, "Oh, yeah."

You can't really go, "It's not me,"

if someone is being that
enthusiastic.

You just have to pretend to be
the other person.

Which is weird and then you're
tempted to say something really

appalling so that the other person
will get a terrible reputation.

And go, "Sod off! I hate food!"

The worst one is when somebody asks
you for a picture and they go,

"Can I get a picture with you?"

And the person then gets a picture
and they take it and they go,

"Will you get my friend in as well?"

And the friend gets in and just
before it gets taken they go,
"I don't know who you are."

LAUGHTER
You're going, "What are you here
for?" It's just like a dig.

I've had people say that I am both
James May and Jeremy Clarkson.

LAUGHTER

Well, eventually... I mean, they
spend so much time together

there may be a hybrid out there
somewhere,

that just kind of appeared
through...

Is that the misery of the two of
them? A little hate baby.

Jeremy and James together,
merge them...

LAUGHTER

You could be their child, they could
have fused their sperm somehow.

I'm not flattered by it, I prefer
Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall.

I presume it's him, anyway.

Somebody told me a story
about a guy...was a funeral.

He was talking to this woman for
about 20 minutes and then he went
over to...

He was a divorced gentleman and he
was talking to this woman

for about 20 minutes and then he
went over to one of his children

and said, "Who is that woman
that I was just talking to?"

And his daughter went, "That's mum."

He'd divorced her 20 years ago and
he'd forgotten what she looked like.

But he'd been talking to her?

He'd been talking to his ex-wife for
20 minutes

and he hadn't realised that he used
to be married to her. Wow!

I'd love it if he was like,
"Who's that sexy woman over there?"

"Phwoar!"
LAUGHTER

That's right, yeah. "Phwoar!
I should have children with her."

LAUGHTER

I was in Singapore with my sister

and we were going to
visit my aunt in Australia. Yeah.

So this is a long time ago.
I was 22, I was a student.

Some Chinese kids in school uniform
came up the top of an escalator

and we were waiting just there

and this one kid starts going...
It's racist to do the voice.

So don't.
LAUGHTER

But it's all right for him
to do the Irish voice.

Hey! My father was from Cork.
I am qualified.

So you're allowed to do that.
I didn't realise,
you never showed me your papers.

I'm sorry. It's like being
stopped at the border.

Phill, continue.
Continue doing the accent.

This girl looks at me...
Do the accent.

And she starts giggling with
her friends, and the boy...

About three or four girls, and the
boy comes over to me and goes,

"You lick ashtray."

LAUGHTER

I said, "No." "Lick ashtray."

And I said, "No, I don't,
I don't lick ashtrays.

"What are you talking about?'
LAUGHTER

"You boxer, you boxer."
"No, I'm not. I'm not a boxer."

I had very short hair at the
time, quite sort of...

And eventually he slowed down what
he was saying,

and I realised he was saying,
"You're Rick Astley."

LAUGHTER
And, "You're a pop star."

LAUGHTER

And in the end they just wouldn't
let go until I'd said,
"Yeah, yeah, it's me."

# Never gonna give you up... #

LAUGHTER
Lick Ashtray.

I was in this cafe when I was first
on TV and we didn't get recognised

very much and a guy came up to me
and said,

"Are you Richard Herring?"
I was like, "Yep. Yep, I am."

He said, "You dropped
your credit card."

LAUGHTER

You were in the hairdressers,
weren't you?

We were speaking before the
recording about Noel's

got tinges of regret
about his choice. I like it.

No, I asked for a Myra Hindley
haircut.

Did they have a poster of her
in the window?

LAUGHTER

Yeah! Hairstyles you could go for.
Yeah, you could go Myra, what else?

It was basically her,
Bucks Fizz and Fabio. That was it.

You got it. You got it!
Flash Gordon. I had to pick one.

It's a lovely tinge.
I know it's gone a bit ginge.

Have they done the tips?
Is it different shades?

I went from black to this, which
they said couldn't be done.

And you just went in to prove them
wrong.

They were so right, weren't they?

They said it can't be done and I
said, "Well, we'll see about that."

Watch this space. You were right.
They were right.

Was there a halfway house?
Did you have to go in twice?

No. Really? I wouldn't stand for
that, I couldn't... No.

Can you imagine wondering
about with a strawberry blonde...

Well, it is that
toffee-coloured nightmare.

But the halfway house, no.
I said, "Let's just get this done."

I thought you had to go from black,

had to go into somewhere like a
pale blue or something.

It took a long time and I just
wouldn't leave until it was done.

It does take a long time. I lived
with my hairdresser for two days.

It's time consuming.
I just stayed there.

Watched a box set together.

Cos it always takes a long time
and afterwards I say,

"What is this? What have we achieved
with our day?"

She says, "It's sun-kissed,
sun-kissed.
I've made it sun-kissed."

"I'd rather look chemically fisted,
I've been here about 14 hours."

LAUGHTER
Sorry, sorry.

I don't think that will make the
edit. That won't make it, but I just
thought...

I never want to interrupt
the conversation,

cos I enjoy it, but I do want to go
back on the phrase
"chemically fisted".

LAUGHTER

I always think that these sort of
natural euphemisms for hair colours

don't sort of make sense,
when you've spent the best part of

the day in the salon, so "chemically
fisted" is a more appropriate...

That's what you describe
that look as. Yeah.

How many pages of a magazine did
you flick through?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I want that one.
That chemically fisted one.

Chemically Fisted by Vidal Sassoon.
LAUGHTER

Am I going to let the roots...

Are you going to go with
the root look? Yeah.

Cos that's a good look now.
What? Council-house mum? Yeah.

I think the longest haircut
I've ever had is about 14 minutes.

It's pretty straightforward for me -

you walk in,
you ask for the Lego man.

LAUGHTER

That's so liberating.
I'm really jealous!

The downside is I do look like
Adolf Hitler.

Good look. A good-looking,
younger Adolf Hitler. Thank you.

Still a bit like Hitler.

Do they have a back door
they throw you out if it goes wrong?

I imagine they can't send you out
the front if it's gone wrong.

They put you in a burqa
and kick you out the back.

The thing is, I left my hairdresser
and went to a different one

after ten years, and it was
like I was having an affair.

It was awful. What? They were upset?

Really upset.
It was really awkward. Yeah.

When I saw her again
and someone else...

"So, you've been seeing
someone else?" "Yeah."

Would she take you back
for the odd trim? Well...

That is certainly not a euphemism.
LAUGHTER

If you're going to do all your own
jokes, we're going to be here all
night.

It was really weird.

It was like she would,

but I could see behind her
eyes there was a slight anger.

That she might...
Scissors in the back of the head.

Have you ever thought about having
a male vajazzling? No.

Cos you're the only man in Britain
that I can imagine would even
attempt... Could pull thatoff.

You know there's something going on
down there. No, no, no.

There's lights and there's music
when he unzips his...

LAUGHTER
When he unzips his fly,
it's amazing,

the whole of the urinal
is illuminated.

I don't like technology,
I wish I could just...

I've got this fantasy where I move
to the country

and just make otters out of clay
and sell them by the roadside

and somehow earn enough money.
LAUGHTER

You could get a robot to
sell them for you.

You would like to do that?
What is it about technology, then?

Is it just...
I think that thing of people...

I don't like that I think our
attention spans are getting smaller
and I don't like that thing of

people being able to watch
programmes and also tweet and be
checking their e-mails.

I don't think it's good for us.

It's good to just sit down by
the fireside and read a novel.

That's the sort of spice
of marketing -

knowing what you want and delivering
exactly what you want,

or chosen, to you on all
the things you might see.

You know, it starts...
You go and buy stuff online

and next minute there's things
popping up,

"Oh, you bought a Slipknot CD.
You might like these crossbows."

LAUGHTER

"Whoa, whoa, how did you do that?"

My favourite Slipknot story,
which I'm sure you know.

Slipknot - how would you
describe them? Thrash? Punk? Metal?

At Halloween.

They are a very odd band in that
they invite abuse from their fans,

and that's one of the things they
get up to.

Oh, do they? Yeah. They love that.

They don't want them to e-mail in
and say, "We love you."

They want them to get inventive.
Yeah. So they love all that.

But "slipknot"
is also a term for knitting,

and some of their fans got
the wrong website.

It's actually quite a nice knitting
website with patterns on,

knitting forums...

Suddenly torn to shreds by people
inventing all kinds

of new ways to abuse the people who
ran the website and caused a stir.

The maggots -
that's what they call their fans.

Do they? The fans are
the maggots, yeah.

Have they got the singing that's...
DEATH METAL VOCALS

There's a bit of that.
DEATH METAL VOCALS

That's them covering
a boy band song, innit?

That's their Christmas album.

Once in Royal David's City.
DEATH METAL VOCALS

Some medley. "Where were you when
this was a hit?"

DEATH METAL VOCALS

There's a lot of that.

They're all wearing pig masks
with spikes and stuff like this

and banging oil drums
and flames are coming out.

Look, I supported them at a metal
festival. You love 'em!

Yeah, and I was very careful
that I finished on time.

I did not want to upset the Slipknot
fans - the "Knot" as they're called.

The "Knot"! Yes. They're quite
scary. Very nice lads, actually.

Very quietly spoken.
Do a lot of knitting.

Do a lot of knitting, yeah.

My fourth husband was annoyed
because I became an old Sikh man.

LAUGHTER
He didn't find that attractive.

Do you pray in dodgy situations?
Are you religious at all?

I shouldn't, cos I'm not allowed.

I don't have the pass
cos I don't have the training.

Because I went to mass
and I stopped going.

So as a Catholic...
Are you a lapsed Catholic?

Yeah. So I believe
I haven't trained well enough.

I don't think my prayers...
I think they'll get near God
and then just fall.

LAUGHTER
When did you stop going?

What age were you when you stopped
going? I was a little bastard at 14.

Sorry, I'm going backwards.
That's what my mother called me
when I sat in my pyjamas that day,

and Mother went, "Are you
ready?", you went, "No",

and she went, "Little bastard."
LAUGHTER

And I went, "No, we're not going",
she went, "Little bastard."

And off she went
and she said she prayed for us.

I was about 14, 15.
So that's when you stopped? Yep.

Prior to that it had been every
week. It was cool. It was good fun.

Did you see friends from school
there? Was it sort of lively?
Yeah. We'd go to the back.

We'd always go to the back in mass,
cos that's where you could mess
and start belting eachother.

And I remember
we were down the back,

I loved this because this...

There was always lots of old people
scattered around,

because the older you get,
the more you go to mass,

cos you're getting nearer there
and you should put the effort in.

And people think
they'll get in cos,

"I'm nearly there,
I should let them know who I am

"in case I'm at the gates and he
doesn't know who I am."
LAUGHTER

I was at the back and we were with
the lads and we were messing...

I think we were flicking each other,
punching each other and all

and this old man turned around
and went, "Have a bit of respect!"

And then this old woman who was
probably in her 90s just turned

around to the old man and went,
"Ah, lighten up, ya old shit!"

LAUGHTER
Isn't that absolutely brilliant?

And we were just like,
"We love this woman! She's great."

Cos you forget old people...

I think you forget who they are
when they're inside there.

I was obsessed with old people
when I was a kid.

Cos I loved the fact...
I loved history and all.

And I'd be in a Post Office or
wherever and I could see them there,

and I'd go, "In the war that guy
there could have killed somebody."

But he's literally going
slowly like that.

They've got their lives inside them.

You don't feel as old as your body
does, do you? No.

I think, mentally, you don't age.

You don't have physical pain
in your brain when you're thinking,

but your knees hurt.
LAUGHTER

I'm constantly thinking,
"Oh, bollocks!"

I wish I'd looked after it a bit
better, that's all.

I just feel I've really driven
the ass out of this body.

LAUGHTER
Apparently... No.

It's like I've bought a Sierra.
An S-reg Sierra.

I've just driven the shit
out of this body, I really have.

And I'm not buying a new one.
It's too late now.

When you've got an old one,
you really love it, don't you?

Oh, yeah. We've been some places.
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm very at home with this.

I know where all the good bits are.

Every bit's got a story,
a special stain on it.

Oh, yeah. How I got that dent.

"Oh, you won't believe how
I got that dent!"

Mine's the other way round, because
I started training again, right?

With my body.
So I'm running, but I'm too old,

so the bits of my car just
don't really work.

They're going, "That doesn't work."

I'm getting my knees and I'm trying
to run and they're going,

"No, you knackered them years ago!"
So you need to be more accepting?

I can't get it going.
So you disagree about the driving?

Only because I've just read this
thing that at the age 62,

past the age of 62 - sorry, guys -
it's over.

Before that you can get
to your optimum fitness at any age.

Like, you can be at your peak.
Like, your body is ready to do it.

To relearn? Yeah, well, to get fit.
But beyond that...

I've got about three different
fantasy old ladies I'd like to be.

OK, take us through it.
LAUGHTER

I'd love to. Go.

First up is that I get really
good at cooking and baking, right?

And I get so fat that I can, like,

rest my boobs
on top of my big belly,

and I'm carrying out plates
from the kitchen on my stomach.

With no hands? Yeah!
That's number one. Yep.

Right, second one is, you know
that old guy and he runs marathons

and he's like 108... No.
He's a Sikh guy.

Oh, I know who you mean, yeah.
I'd be that guy.

Yeah. But I'd be a woman.
An ageing Sikh?

Yeah, he runs marathons.
Oh, you must know about him.

This must be harder for you than
the baking and the cooking one.

It's a slightly more rigorous
set of circumstances.

He started running marathons when he
was, like 81, and I think he's 108,

and they just did an interview
with him and he was like,

"Fine! I'll do my last one."

And he had this
twinkle in his eye, like,

"There's never going to be a last
one." And that's what I'd be like.

A stringy marathon old lady.

That's a long way from the boobs
and stomach, but that's all right.

Yeah, I'm giving myself options,
depending on how this plans out.

Sure, there's contrast.
And then the third one.

Sorry, converting to Sikhism?
LAUGHTER

Or? Oh, I didn't even factor that
in. Sod it! Why not?

Give it a go. It'd be very hot,
though, wouldn't it?

If you weren't used to it,
it would be, wouldn't it?

Yeah! Or is it more absorbent,
the turban? Nice bit of cotton.

Do female Sikhs wear turbans?
I don't know anything about it.

I think the men... Cos they don't
cut their hair, do they?

And they all carry a knife,
but they're never allowed to use it.

That's what I know about them.

Oh, no. I meant are you going to
become an old Sikh man?

Oh, I'd love to. Yeah?
It'd be a dream.

Oh, so sex change? Then a Sikh?
And a marathon.

False beard, you know, cucumber
down the shorts. That'll do ya.

I would happily be,
as an 85-year-old lady,

a drag king running marathons.

That would be a beautiful finale
to a life well lived.

That'd be drag racing. Crazy!

And the third one is like Zsa Zsa.
Who?

Zsa Zsa, like seven husbands
by the pool. Oh, yeah.

That'd be the third one. But, if I'm
honest, that's my least favourite.

So many stories. Is it? Yeah, I
don't want to get through husbands.

Seems a bit bleak.
But by then... You could lie.

You could lie,
you could just pretend.

I mean, you could say you've had
three already now? OK.

What were they like? Awful.
AS ZSA ZSA: My first husband...

Oh, John was wonderful!

My fourth husband was annoyed
because I became an old Sikh man!

LAUGHTER
He didn't find that attractive.

So we're also doing a show. We're
doing a show made up of all the bits

from all the shows in the series
that we haven't...weren't in the...

Haven't made... The extra bits. Yep.
And we need a title for that.

Is the title "Do We Get Paid For
The Extra Show?" That is the title.

You're going to be
in the extra show.

Can you run that by me?
I just got a bit lost.

Well, what we did was
we made five shows

and half the stuff that gets said
doesn't get used.

They're going to get bits of it
and make an extra show.

If it's not low budget enough!
We're going to save money.

It's not the best stuff.
It's not the best stuff.

The best stuff that's in the
episode, it's not the worst stuff.

The worst stuff won't be shown.
It's not the shit, shit stuff.
It's the quite shit stuff.

It's the medium shit, medium shit.
The stuff that nearly made it.

Could've Been Better. Could you have
that? Yeah. Could've Been Better.

Try Harder? Alan Davies's C-.

LAUGHTER

C-. Yeah, yeah.

Giggle And Squeak.
That's leftovers, isn't it?

Bubble and Squeak, play on that.

Bit too clever. Clever. Too clever.
Wibbly Wobbly Windy Chair.

What about Finger Up Your Cock?
LAUGHTER

I'm fairly certain that's
going to make it.

I think that's going
to make the cut.

Melvyn Bragg's Urethra, maybe?
GROANS

That might not make the main
show, but...

Were you on The South Bank Show
last night?
LAUGHTER

Were You On The South Bank Show?
LAUGHTER

Think that might do it.

That's what I like.
It's the image, it's that.

LAUGHTER

Do I have to do it with the action?
That is part of it.

OK, thank you very much. All of you.
Have you come to a conclusion there?

Yes, we did. Oh! I'm Alan Davies
and you have been watching

Were You on The South Bank Show
Last Night?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Ericsson