Alan Davies: As Yet Untitled (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Jarvis Cocker's Brit Pop Herd - full transcript

Hello.
It's my great pleasure to be here.

I'm so much looking forward
to working with one of
my favourite comedians.

Alan Davies.

I'm going to be quite funny.

HE MUMBLES

So, yeah.
That's, er, that's official.

I feel interest welling up in me
for my guests.

Hello, I'm Alan Davies
and welcome to As Yet Untitled.

Tonight we will be chatting.

Er, there is no prep, no rules,
no agenda.

All I have is a fact about each of
my guests and by the end of the show



hopefully we will have come up
with a title for the programme.

It's a simple ambition.
Please will you welcome my guests?

Here you are.

CHEERING

Hello. How are you? Hello.

All right? How you doing?

This is Colin Lane.
Colin Lane has won festiv-i.

That's good. Thank you.

Thank you. Great.

Lovely to see Josie Long

who was a child genius for
eight weeks, I understand. I was.

This is the legendary stand-up
comedian Ross Noble

who was nearly killed in
a World War One battlefield.

That's correct, yes.



And much-beloved Liza Tarbuck

who once used
Ian St John as a taxi driver.

Clapping myself!

Welcome, all of you.
It's very nice to see you.
Josie, what are you having?

I think it's red berries tea.

Did they bring it to you
as a surprise or did you select it?

This is my first choice thing.
Please don't judge me.

It's pure goat's blood.
That's what that is.

Just have a lovely little swig there
to the Dark Lord Lucifer.

Does it really just taste
like warm red cordial?

Try it. Give it a go.

Good? Really? Yeah. Yeah.
Then I'll have that.

I used to know someone who
lived in a squat...

You had the smallest amount!

Warm, weak cordial, basically.

Yeah, that's disgusting!

They used to go out in Clissold Park

and they would pick up twigs
and leaves and make their own tea.

They all lived in a squat, they were
against cars and do you know what?

It was rank.

Did it not have a slight odour
of dog poo about it?

Yeah, wee. Dog wee.

Out in the countryside you'd get
like, you know, untouched foliage

but in a park it's,
"Mm, just wee, bit of heroin."

It was mainly just twigs,
bit of twigs. Yeah, with
the odd syringe floating in it.

Actually, everywhere in Clissold
Park now is covered with dog urine

so that when you see a lovely couple
with the kids

or somebody just trying
to have a little picnic
you want to say to them,

"That's a red-hot patch
for urination, that one."

Where do you let your dog wee?

Anywhere he wants. Except he won't
go inside. In that park!

She's down there squirting it
around like that.

Is he allowed to wee
on other people's property
as well, like my dog?

You hate your dog though, don't you?

"Well, I don't really like him
that much."

Are you whispering in case
the dog's watching?

I don't like him
but he's very intelligent.

Do you have to pretend to like him?

Yeah. So you're like, "Yay!"
Does he fall for it?

No, he doesn't fall for it.
I mean, he's a boxer, right?

So for aesthetic reasons
they've chopped off its tail, OK?

So it's a two-inch tail.
There's a two-inch tail
and then an inch of skin and then...

May I say this word? Like, bum.

But I don't mean bum
with a crack and cheeks.

Like, you know, arsehole basically.

Always on show?

Yeah, that's right. Like Cyclops.

It's not aesthetic so the dog knows
that I don't like it that much.

It's often walking away from me
so all I see is just this arsehole

flashing at me
like a little red light.

You could get one of those
pirates' eye patch.

So...?

How would you fix it?

I'd just stick it over its back
with a patch over its hole.

Oh, on his... Not on my eye? Right!

I was wondering how that would help.
I could still see out of this eye

so how would an eye patch help?

You would have no sense of distance
so you wouldn't know how close...

If the dog is sort of like backing
towards you, you'd be going,

"Is that about to touch my face?
Is it not?"

Is it going away from me
or coming towards me?

Please get a patch for his anus.

Just get it and do a photo,
like on Twitter or something.

I don't want to go... A selfie.

The problem though is the eye patch
is a sort of triangular item,
isn't it?

Yes. With the strings going across.

If you were to put that
on your dog's arse,

it would look like you'd dressed
it up in a thong. Yeah.

A sexy thong.

And if you were sat there and the
dog's slowly backing towards you,

you're just like that, "Oh-h-h!"

Anyone looking through the window
might think there's
something untoward.

Where have you got this thing
about dogs slowly backing
towards people from?

He was the one that said...
Colin said that the dog...

He's not walking... He walks away
from him. He knows I don't like him.

Oh, I thought he was spiteful.

No, no, no.

Ross, Ross, he's a dog.

He's a dog. He doesn't have spite.

Have you got the same dogs?
I visited you when you lived
in Australia.

Same dog.

You had a couple
of big hairy ones?

Yeah, all of the animals
in our life look like me.

It's weird. Did you bring
all the animals with you?
Didn't you have two cows there?

I had four cows.
Are they still in Australia?

Yeah, they're still in Australia.
You didn't bring them over?

No. You know, I loved the cows but
they were... That's a lot of money.

The funniest thing about the cow
though was we had Jasper, Jarvis,
Jack and Meg, right?

Jack and Meg after
The White Stripes obviously.

Jasper because Jasper Carrott,
carrot colour,

and then Jarvis cos we're big fans
of Jarvis Cocker, obviously.

The really skinny one?

Well... With a Yorkshire accent?
Well!

Instead of mooing he'd just go,
SHEFFIELD ACCENT: "Right...

"Innit marvellous, right?"

I met Jarvis Cocker, right? And you
know that point where you think,

"Ooh, should I? Should I say
I have a cow named after you?"

I thought, "I've got to tell him."
I said, "I've got a cow named
after you."

That was the moment where
the look in his eyes was like,
"Oh, you're mental."

There was this moment
where of instead of going,

"I don't want to talk to you anymore
cos you're obviously a freak,"

he sort of was a little bit confused
and he stopped.

I'd never thought about this. He
went, "How many cows do you have?"

And I realised if you've got
a whole herd of cows,

you name a cow after somebody,
that's not a big deal, is it?

But if you've only got four cows,
then that's like a massive thing.

That's where he went in his head.

Like, "Hang on. Is this
an amazing thing you've done?

"Is this a tribute or just
you've got loads of cows."

That would have satisfied you
wouldn't it? Had he asked
that question.

He went, "How many cows have you
got?" I said, "I've got four."

And he went,
"Oh, right. Right, that's brilliant.

"You know, I thought you might have,
like, a hole Britpop herd."

That's the greatest sentence
I've ever heard anyone say.

Jarvis Cocker going,
"Right, you've got a Britpop herd.
Liam's over there and that's..."

Cows' names, why do they
not have to be gender organised
like humans' names?

Why did you not have to
have four girl cow names?

We had three boys and one girl.

Boy cows are bulls though,
aren't they? They're not cows.

That's a good point.

Oh, God!

Oh, God, I wondered why I was only
getting half a cup of milk.

Urgh!

So is it Napoleon's Josephine?

Yeah, my name's Josephine Isabel
and my sister's name
is Catherine Eleanor,

which I think is a really nice name.
Lovely.

I also like it if you've got
a name that when you're a little kid

you can be one name and when you're
a grown-up it can be something else.

I really am looking forward to
being an old lady,

being like, "It's Josephine!"
to everyone all the time.

You're going to be grumpy
when you get old? "It's Josephine!"

I would happily be, as an
85-year-old lady,

so fat that I can just rest my boobs
on top of my big belly

and I'm carrying out plates
from the kitchen on my stomach

With no hands? Yeah. Yeah.

Don't you ever fantasise about what
sort of old person you'd like to be?

I was going to base myself
on Diana Dors

and go much, much blonder,
much, much fatter

and only wear like bejewelled kaftans

so that when you turn up it's,
"Hello, darling!"

It would be quite an easy persona
to do really. Be a great life.

Diana Dors, are you familiar
with her in down under?

STRONG AUSSIE ACCENT: Down under?!

I'm so sorry. It just slips out.

STRONG AUSSIE ACCENT: What was it,
you drongo?

Can't help ourselves.
It's ridiculous, innit?

That's hilarious. That's hilarious.

This is a stupid show. "Colin,
do you know who Diana Dors is?"

STRONG COCKNEY ACCENT: Yeah, we do,
Alan, we do, yeah.

We know who she is, yeah.
We know her.

SCREECHES: Yeah, Diana Dors?
We know her.

Casual racism.

I didn't take offence.

I felt patronised, sure,
but I didn't take offence.

So your role in life
as an Australian...

Josie, tell me about...

SHOUTING

Colin!

Even that applause was patronising!

Smokey bacon?
Ah, that still counts, McCartney.

He's always been
a dirty bastard, him.

Josie, tell me about
being a child genius.

Oh, well, I was about
eight or nine years old.

I think I was eight years old
possibly nine. I've just said that!

I was either eight or I was nine.
Let's go for eight, I was eight.

You were under 10. I was under 10.

Can you let us know? When you
remember, can you let us know?

So you weren't a genius at maths!

OK, this is what it is.

Growing up, my dad
was really quite religious

and he wanted us to go to
a Church of England school, right?

And the only Church of England
school in the whole borough

was like the roughest school
in the borough, the primary school.

And I got a bit bored cos I wanted
to do more work, cos I was cool(!)

I realised that if I got
in trouble they wouldn't hit me

and when I realised that I was like,
"Ha! I can do anything.
They're not going to hit me."

So I just started to be
as naughty as I could

and they brought my mum
into school and said,

"Look, either she's very bright

"or there's something really
wrong with her"

And so my mum was like, "Ooh!"
So they sent off an IQ test, right?

I don't remember this, but I think
my mum helped a lot, right?

Because they sent a letter
back saying, "Your child
is definitely a genius.

"We would like to do all manner
of tests on your child like X-Men.
We would like to test your child.

"Your child is a genius
and it's very important for us
for our research on genius kids

"to get your genius child
at a genius centre."

So I was like, "I'm a child genius!"
I went there and I did
all these tests,

like a whole day of tests,
and then about two weeks later
they got a letter saying,

"Your child is not a genius.
We apologise. Your child is normal."

And did tell your friends?
I tell you what I got to do.

Because of that I got to go on
this gifted children's summer camp

and I shouldn't have been there
and everyone else there had a special
skill, very much like X-Men.

Really like X-Men now!

So one is a maths genius now and one
is doing a PhD about earthquakes now.
You still know them?

I know them all. Really?
Do they know you?

Yeah, oh, yeah.

They're really not happy about that!
Down the pub quiz, "Oh, God!"

But we're all pals
and we're all a bit odd.

But my special skill
was like collage.

I wasn't supposed to be there!
But how do you know?

You were very young. You might
have been a collage genius.

It might be they just put glue
on the wall,

you didn't register it
cos it was easy for you,

but pow! And it was pow Mona Lisa!
Like that. Bang. Collage.

And all the teachers said,
"I have never seen collage of
this strength before.

"And I never will again."

I've been told that you used to be
driven around by Ian St John. I did.

As a kind of taxi driver in your
youth growing up in Liverpool.

Now for those younger viewers,

Ian St John was the kind
of Luis Suarez of his day,

without the biting and the...

Equal amounts of swearing, though,

cos we've got a saying
in our house, if somebody yawns or

does anything, it's "Jesus Christ,
Betsy", which we learnt off Ian.

Now I have to say,
I didn't grow up in Liverpool.

Did you not?
I was born there Oh, right.

Dad got successful the year
I was born

cos it was just a great
big year of fun.

We moved down here
so actually Ian would come

and stay with us, hence him
being the taxi driver.

So if there was something that dad
could palm off on him, he would.

"Ian, you're going that way,
aren't you? Drop her off".

That sort of thing. Oh, OK.

So I remember he took me to my
first audition for drama school,

a job you'd think your father would
really enjoy taking you to

but no, palmed it off on
Ian St John. Got the Saint.

And of course the Saint's under
pressure in the car

to sort of give me a bit of a pep
talk that isn't

"Go on in there and murder them."

And then and then after the audition
did you get in the car

and he did like analysis

of, "She did well, you know? It was
an audition of two halves!"

Did you do sport? Yes. Were you
pushed at sport? What did you play?

I used to play lacrosse. Did you?
Oh, really? Wow.

And I was pretty good at it.

That's popular in Australia,
isn't it?

My son plays lacrosse.

Yeah, that's a very brutal game. You
played lacrosse? Yeah.

I remember one time, Dad and Ian
were in a car

and it was a very early Saturday
morning match at school

and we were collecting
my mate Laura, who was the sub

and so she got a good half-hour
lecture en route to Weybridge.

"Now, just cos you're on the subs'
bench, love,

"don't think you're not important
to the team, because you are".

So she's got that,
by the time she gets out

she's never felt this bloody good.

"I'm going to be on the subs bench
but Christ, we're going to win!"

And then they told you things to do
that are actually

what pro footballers are doing,
and you're 12, in Surrey!

What, like dirty, sly tricks? Yeah!

LAUGHTER

So, well cos,
if you watch football with them

it's very interesting because
he'd be like,

"Oh, he's always been
a dirty bastard, him."

So it's all that sort of thing.

So this particular time, Dad said,
"So what do you play?"

"These are, I'm second home so I'm
you know going in for a goal."

"Right, it's a cold day,

"the goalie doesn't want to be
there, she's in a restricted thing."

"She's got all the equipment on,

"But the fact of the matter is,
love, you've got to go to her

"and you've got to, not aim to
score, go for her.

"First shot to her body, back off.

"Next time you come at her she'll
get out the way, you'll score".

LAUGHTER

And I was like that. Textbook!

We slaughtered them that day!
God, it was great.

Did you did you hit her, the first
time...? Yeah, you bet I did!

And, you know yourself - going in
goal, you don't want to be there.

You don't want to be there, no.

Yeah, safe to say. For not very much
effort, I did very well that day.

Was it quite different for your dad,
coming down from Liverpool?

Did his accent change?
Did he change?

If anything, dad's got a Yorkshire
accent so I don't...

Has he?! Yeah. How come?

I don't know,
but he talks a bit like that.

"All right, love? Yeah."

That's a very good impression.

"Lizzie, make us a sandwich."

And did you meet the Beatles?

I have met a couple of the Beatles

but no, I don't think
they were particular mates.

But sort of imagine that everybody,

cos Liverpool in the '60s, quite
a thing.

Stop, stop, stop, who did you meet?
Who did you meet?

I've met Paul McCartney.

That's a good one to meet!

Yeah, well, they're
all good to meet.

I saw Paul McCartney
eating crisps once!

Yeah! I saw him
eating crisps. I was...

Where was he?
Well, this is weird.

I saw him eating veal Parmesan once.
That was incredible!

He's like this - ha-ha-ha! Ho-ho-ho!

It was the most bizarre thing.
I was I was the warm-up man

on a music show
and McCartney was on

and he was playing with Travis.
You know the band, Travis? Yeah.

So anyway, I sneaked in.

Well, what happened was I used to
work at the studios

where it
was filmed in Newcastle.

I used to I used to work there
when I was a kid, like.

It's a long story, but the point is,

I used to know a lot of the camera
guys and the crew and stuff.

And I moved to London
and then I went back up there

to do the warm-up on the show.
And I'm walking along the corridor

and I see this guy eating a packet
of crisps

and I see him, and cos
I kind of remembered all the faces

I just went, "All right, mate?"
And he went, "A'right?"

And I went,
"Oh, my God!" And it was McCartney!

And it was one of those things where
he's so famous that I went,

"Oh, yeah, it was just a bloke who
that used to work on the cameras

and it was McCartney on his own,
eating packet of crisps.

And I just... Fact!

I did have a cheeky look to see
whether it was smoky bacon.

That still counts, McCartney!

Yeah!

And he went in and him
and Travis were...

That still counts!

Still counts!
Strike one against McCartney!

And then, yeah, they were sound
checking

and it was just them
in a room.

If you're doing this, McCartney is
left-handed. You've got to do...

It's a mirror image, innit? Yeah.

So it didn't happen! It's all a lie!
It didn't happen!

That was Fran from Travis there.
Ah!

That's the same show where,

you must have heard that
story about David Johns and Prince?

I have not.

Have you not? There's a comedian,
a legendary comedian

A legendary comedian, damn right.

And Prince was on the show.

And everyone was told don't, you
know, don't look him in the eyes.

Don't step on him.
Watch where you're walking!

No-one else is allowed to wear
purple, and it was a big thing.

And he was on the stage and there
was, like, several different stages.

And Dave was on the stage going,

"All right, we're going to bring
on... Doing the warm-up, Dave?

Doing the warm-up and he went right,

"OK, so you know he's just
bring him on blah, blah, blah."

And then he went,
"Ladies and gentlemen",

and he had to be called "the artist",

"Please will you welcome The Artist",

and the whole place is like, they're
going don't mess, don't look at him,

if he walks out then the whole thing.

And then so he goes,
"Welcome to The Artist."

And he walks, and as he walks,
like as he walks past The Artist,

he just tapped him on the shoulder
and went, "Keep it tight, son!"

When I stop for prostitutes,
I can have 20 or 30 in the back.

He did a shit on my eye.

I've got a low car
and now every time I...

You sound like it's medical!

"Oh, I've got a very low car, I've
got to be careful, very low car."

But as you swing out, I do that,
"Ooaah!", but really I enjoy it.

"Ooaah!"

What, what car have you got?

Er, low Saab.
I've got a very high car.

What have you got?
I've got, well... A Hummer?

It's actually a Hilux,
a Toyota Hilux, which is high....

Really high! ..and deluxe!

And what I didn't take
into account, it's amazing,

it's a family car, its brilliant
because it's like a pick-up truck.

So you know all that, you see
all that mums and that

folding the buggies...

Hang on a minute. It has got an
actual pick-up bit at the back?

Yeah, pick-up trick.
Pick up trick? Pick up tricks?

You pick up tricks?

I do! When I stop for prostitutes

I can have 20 or 30 in the back.
Yeah.

For me, I thought about like magic
tricks. That's just me.

You were thinking
about prostitution.

Oh, no, I do magic as well!
It's an interesting choice.

I saw a prostitute in half
and then, yeah...

They charge you twice! It's a
nightmare.

I don't pick up prostitutes.
It's a lot more fun.

It is, yeah. "Oh, which bit
goes where?!"

But very high, and yeah, like I say,
folding up the...

Cos we've got this buggy, right?

And it's one of those things where
you'd think they'd make,

you'd think they'd make one that
you can just "click, click, clunk."

And this thing, you've got
to fold it round...

This is a baby buggy?
Yeah, its sort of like a Rubik's Cube

meets some kind of
three-dimensional chess.

And it costs about $3,000 as well.

It's more than the car, to be fair.
Yeah, that's right.

I put the child... Has it got
a little cappuccino holder?

Machine.
It's got a cappuccino machine!

And so you fold it
and you see all the mums

and that at the supermarket,
and they're folding up the thing.

Not me. I literally,
the child comes out,

sometimes I don't even
take the child out,

and bosh! Straight in the back,
and drive off.

Its probably safer
if the child's in the buggy

in the back of the car.

But it's terrible, cos you shouldn't
laugh at your children's misfortune

but the funniest thing, the older
child,

not the baby, obviously,
they break.

But the older child still to
this day, it's quite high,

and then the booster
seat on top of that,

when she gets out and the amount of
times she just falls out of the car.

Just, sometimes I'll park on
an incline so there's further...

She just "Whoa!" Straight down!

And she just does that look of "Oh,
I've just fallen quite a distance!"

It just really makes me happy.

It's all you've got to go on,
really, cos you're not allowed

to hurt them yourself, are you?
Those days are gone.

That's the thing. You're not
allowed to hit them

but you can position
things that you know...

You know what I mean?
I do know exactly what you mean.

I'm a big fan of, sometimes,
you know, one of the children

will be playing there and I'll go,
"Oh, that's going to end badly."

I don't go, "Don't do that",

I just go, "That's going to end
badly. 3, 4, bang!"

"Oh?! Wah!" "What did I say?"

And then tell me can you tell me
about your festive eye?

What does that
mean, your Christmas eye?

My Christmas eye,
well, I had I had a bad run.

I had the shingles.

That sounds festive.

Yeah, I had...
Do you get in your legs?

I had herpes zoster

which means herpes but on my stomach
around there. That was really bad.

HE STIFLES RETCHING

And then I was watching 127 Hours.

You know, when James Franco cuts his
arm off? I fainted three times.

Three times?!

So you came back to it?
And then you went

and then you've done it twice
and you went, "One more go..."

And I fainted three times,
and immediately you pipe up

and get involved and piss yourself!
Great!

Right, after the second time you
fainted were you watching going,

"He's probably got another 50 hours.
I don't know if I can?" No.

Was it the same bit that
made you faint? No.

I was watching it. I was at
home.

I fainted, so I rewound.
"What have I missed?"

"Why did I faint there? Uh!"

You've got short-term
memory loss, so "What?!"

It can't have been that bad!

Laugh it up!

Did you hurt yourself
when you fainted?

I did. I got up...

All three times?

I was kind of like there going
I don't know

what the f..k is going on

and then I remembered just falling
and hitting my chin

on our groovy stone bench
in our kitchen,

that, you know, was about 90%
of the renovation costs.

And split my chin, you can see the
scar there,

and then I went into the bathroom
and looked in the mirror and went,

"Ah fuck, ah, Jesus". And then woke
up on the bathroom floor.

What, at the sight of the blood?
At the sight of yourself!

Well, I looked at and just went,

"Ah, Jesus, oh, man, you can never
drink.

"Oh, man, you can..." And then woke
up on the bathroom floor.

And then got up, went out
to the kitchen and just went,

"Oh man, what should I do?"

And then woke
up on the kitchen floor!

I was really hoping you
were like, oh, you went

back down to the kitchen
and, "Sod it, one more go!"

No, no, no. No, I didn't watch
any more of 127 Hours.

And then I went and sat down and
rang my wife, Marnie.

Did she laugh when you told her?

She didn't laugh, but I remember
about three days after,

I was doing this morning show
in Melbourne called "The Circle".

And I told them the story
about fainting

and they pissed themselves, too!

And I thought, "You bastards!"
Like your good selves.

But The Circle -

was it sort of the Australian
equivalent of Loose Women?

Is that a show over here, or...?

You've got a show called
Loose Women? Have you really?

It's me, driving around...

Picking up tricks, sawing them
in half!

One of my favourite-ever
moments ever in my entire career

was on that show, on The Circle,
yeah. Because, it's a big thing.

We don't have it so much over here,
but the infomercial?

You know the sort of...
live infomercials. During the show.

There was a lot of that on that show,
wasn't there? Yeah.

I did that, and there was a juicer

and they cut to people with
a juicer, and I was like... Yeah.

Well, I said, I went,
"Can I do one of those infomercials?"

Yeah! And they went,
"Yeah!" "Yes, right!"

So I set the thing the thing up
with Denise, all set up,

and it was a thing called
the Magic Bullet. Yeah.

which is a I know it
sounds like a naughty toy...

You've got another product out
its called Loose Women. It's great.

It's not a magic bullet!

And so it was a live show
and they went "Right, like, live."

And I said, "So here
we are, this is the Magic Bullet.

And I decided that it would be
all right

to just make some
stuff up about the Magic Bullet.

Noooo!

I said, "This Magic Bullet spins at
exactly the same

"number of revolutions as Sputnik,
right?"

And Denise, who was hosting, sort of
went...

"Can you back this up?"

And I went, "Yeah, and the best
thing about it is,

"once you've liquidised the food,
it actually has an undo button."

So if...

LAUGHTER

And all I can hear around the studio
is, "So what's he saying?"

And so she pulls out the knives
and goes,

"If you order the Magic Bullet now,
you'll get these miracle blades."

And I went,
"Now these are called Miracle Blades

"because these are the very knives
that our Lord Jesus

"cut the loaves and fishes with,
and you get those for free, so ring."

And I can, and they're just going,
"Just get him off!"

And they cut to the, and then
later on in the show, I said,

"How did it, how did it go?"

And they went,
"They didn't sell any!"

But you'd think...

So Christmas eye.
What is the thing with your eye?

I fainted three times, I got
pneumonia, went to the hospital,

and then the next Christmas,
I went camping.

A bug crawled into my eye

and then in the middle of the night
it did a shit on my eye.

Great, yeah!

In your eye? In my eye. So I woke up
at

Are you working for the Australian
tourist board? I was just...

Yeah, things that can kill you.
"Come to Australia!"

Opened my eye and just went,
"Ah, Jeez". It was so irritated.

Went to the toilet, tried to flush
it out.

Not in the toilet
but in the toilet block, whatever.

But basically it's called
Christmas eye

because it happens a lot
at Christmas. You can Google it.

It happens a lot at Christmas in
Australia when people are camping.

I went to the hospital and had to
wear an eye patch

for, like, four days.

Did you tell the dog?

LAUGHTER

And I came back to the camping spot
and all my friends start

just going, "Aye, Captain Col,
pass me the ear guard!"

And I didn't laugh.
Does that make me an arsehole?

But it's just...
If you're doing a lot of the stuff.

I was in a lot of discomfort
and I had to wear...

They were making it fun of it.

Yeah, basically. And I think I told
that story on The Circle as well

and they pissed themselves!

But when you opened your eye like
that did you go, "Oh, there's a poo?"

Whereas normally,
if I'm perfectly, you know,

if there's a poo, I try and reach
it. Yeah!

"Oh, there's a poo! Where is it?
Where is it?"

Are you telling me if there
if you just woke up on a normal day

and there was a poo floating,
like, I wouldn't just stand there,

I'd go "Oh, my God, I've got to
capture this magic poo -

"it's floating! Cos it's going to, I
can travel the world!

And speaking of poo, speaking of
poo,

who owns a dog here at this table?
Who owns a dog in the audience?

Now, I don't like my dog, as we've
mentioned.

I don't like going to the park

and talking to other
people about their dogs.

You've got a labradoodle? I don't
give a fuck-a-doodle.

You know what I mean?
I don't care!

And then, it's got a bit cold in
Melbourne where I'm from

and suddenly I'm talking to people

and they're going, "Oh, I don't mind
picking up the poo in winter

cos in the plastic bag in winter,
it warms my hands!" What?!

What?!

No! No, thank you.
What's wrong with those people?

Oh, I was seeing dragons.
It was amazing.

Because then one day a month
you're like, Carnivale!

Can you tell me about your...?

It sounds like Colin might need
this.

Do you want to hear about my
patented... Lifestyle System.

Oh, I'd be
so happy to tell you all about it!

I, so, basically, I decided that
I wanted to be healthier.

And I was I was going through
a little period every year

where I wasn't doing stand-up much,
and I don't know if you find this

but I find when I'm not performing
I still get, like, adrenaline

as if I'm about to perform,
like my body's so used to it.

And so I'd have this had this
period of a few months where

I wasn't gigging at night but every
night I would be really geed up

and it would be really intense
and weird and I couldn't sleep.

And I went to the doctor about it,
and the doctor was like,

"You need to stop drinking,
cut out sugar and cut out caffeine".

And I heard the first two and I was
like, "OK, no drinking, no sugar",

and when she said "cut out caffeine"
I was like, "Fuck you!"

And so I took that on board and I
started a system

called System Carnivale, which is
basically... System Carnivale?

Carnivale. Carnivale?

No, you need to say something like,

"What is System Carnivale?
It sounds amazing!"

What is System Carnivale?
It sounds amazing! Tell me.

Well, I'm glad you asked me.

You can help, like, demonstrate it
later

if you want to juice it up a bit.

But basically, I only, if right, all
bar one days of the month...

Yeah. You only have one caffeinated
drink a day

which is an unfair, cruel torture

and you don't drink
and you don't have sugar.

Then one day a month, you go to
town. You can do anything you want.

you can do anything
you like. Crime, whatever.

Cos you've heard of the
5 and 2 diet? Yeah.

Which means you can eat
anything you want.

Can I tell you something?
Forget that diet. Forget that

System Carnivale is going to
change your life! System Carnivale!

Exactly! That's what its called.
You could call it 29:1.

No, the reason it's called System
Carnivale

is so your friends think
you're less boring,

because then one day a month
you're like, "Carnivale!"

Carnivale! And that's a lot more
interesting than being like...

What would you open
the Carnivale day with?

Oh, whatever I want,
pain au chocolat? Yes!

Also, I don't eat bread, cos it
makes me really ill.

Carnivale? I eat as much bloody
bread as I want!

First thing, pain au chocolat,
bloody, hot chocolate if I want

even though by midday I'll be
feeling sick. Don't care.

Prosecco? I wouldn't drink
in the day. Prosecco I could have.

You can have anything on Carnivale.
Is it dangerous?

Its part of a patented lifestyle
system, so there's three prongs.

There's System Carnivale, which is
the health and food.

Then there's the Golden Game, which
is a workplace productivity system.

And then there's...
LAUGHTER

And then there's simply
my romance lifestyle system

which is called Less Moaning,
More Boning!

That is my three-pronged system
of how to live a happier life

and, in all seriousness,
it's been great!

I do technically lie about
System Carnivale

cos I end up drinking
two or three times a month

but if I say I'm on System
Carnivale, it's better.

With System Carnivale...
Please ask questions!

Cos the caffeine thing, I gave up,
I don't drink tea or coffee.

But I actually got hypnotised.

I had to go and see a hypnotherapist

to get hypnotised to stop drinking,
er, fizzy...

Diet Coke? Diet Coke! You were
addicted to Diet Coke.

Absolutely addicted.
You always had a can in your hand.

Constantly. And the thing is,

me on caffeine is not always
a good thing. Yeah.

And my wife sort of pointed out that

you're supposed to be in bed before
5 o'clock in the morning.

Especially
when you've got two small children.

Yeah, the two small children
did sort of tip it round

when I was sleeping
for like an hour a day

and I was waking up the children
going,

"We've got to play!
We've got to play now!"

How many hypnotism
sessions did you have?

Just one. Just the one.

Did you go under?

Oh, I was seeing dragons.
It was amazing.

I was in a fiery cave full of
dragons. It was the best thing ever.

He's amazing. You know, he's like,
he works with sports people and that

sort of stuff, but with me,
he stopped me drinking pop

and made me see dragons.

Was it looking at a watch?

Yeah, yeah. He was from the '50s!

"I'm so glad you've come here
this evening.

"Do stare at this watch

"and I shall walk along his body,
he shall feel no pain!"

How did he put how did
he put you under?

He, you'd sit in a chair...
Hypodermic?

And now I'm on heroin!

It's all, er, you'd sit in a chair
and people think it's this weird

kind of like, zap you with "Ready?
Bump!" And you're like that.

It's just like sitting there, just
relax, you start thinking about your

thoughts, then once you're under, he
just suggests what you're, you know,

to stop, starts putting suggestions
in about not, you know, just...

So you really have no craving now?
No, it's completely gone.

From one session? Yeah.

You've been one for alternative
therapy in your time.

Always. Have you been hypnotised?

Yes, to stop smoking
and it's worked.

But I did need two goes.

So you went back
the following week, kind of thing?

I went the first time and I went
because I was going on holiday

and I knew that I was going
somewhere that I didn't

associate with smoking, so I'd be in
with a good shout.

And then as soon as I got back,
I found a fag

and then, you know that
thing of "Yeah, I'll show you!"

And I'll smoke it, and it was like
"Oh, that's quite nice, I might..."

But I didn't go and buy another.
I just thought,

"Actually, I prefer not smoking
now."

So whatever he'd done in the first
one had an overlapping factor.

And actually what I'd
realised by then was

I like the ritual of smoking, I
don't necessarily like the smoking.

But I'd recommend it. It was really,
I found it fascinating.

And also, part of it
was the process.

I like a process.

I like to see how something works.

And it was very un-magic.

And actually, midway
through my second session,

I started laughing and couldn't
stop,

and I know he was really freaked.

I've got quite a big laugh
and he was really freaked out.

One of your best qualities!

When I go...

And, oh, Christ. I couldn't stop.

I couldn't stop,
and I was under, still.

And he was trying to bring me back
and I was loving it!

Just a great big woman,
just laughing a lot!

"Wake up! Wake up!" "Huh-huh!"

It was! It was marvellous.

I had a thoroughly nice time,
thanks!

I think I might be resistant. Why?

I don't know. I feel like I might
feel vulnerable or something

or I'd say it takes a lot
of trust in somebody

you barely know to allow them
to do that to you.

I'm not sure I would really...
What like he's going to put stuff?

I'm more likely to go with
Josie's System Carnivale!

If I may, draw you towards trying to
think of a title

for the show today. Now we've
covered many...

Colin's dog's anus.

Colin's dog's...

Ha!

I think "Grasp the Magic Poo!"

And what about when you have to take
the grass

out of the dog's arse as well?
I mean, that's...

Who told you you have to
do that? Is that Marnie?

The way they eat grass
when they're sick

and then they poo grass
and it doesn't come out all the way

and you have to grab the grab the
grass and pull it out of their arse!

Josie, help me! Help me
get the grass out their arse!

Don't pull anything out of the dog.

Never pull anything
out of a pet. It's important.

Because it'll be all tangled up
and you'll empty the dog.

He just sits there all day
feeling uncomfortable,

not knowing what to do. Backing up
on you!

Just a strimmer. That's what you
want, a weed whacker.

He'll never poo again!

What was the thing what was
the phrase from Jarvis Cocker about?

Britpop herd.

That's a good, that's a good title.

But then people might think
that's like Thora Hird.

Are you familiar with
the work of Thora Hird?

She kept Chihuahuas.

She was the Diana Dors of her day.

Didn't you have Thora down under?

Down under.
We should called it down under, too.

Last of the Summer Wine?
Who? Last of the Summer Wine.

Yeah.

"Thora?" Is that her name?

Thora Hird. She was an old lady,
even when she was young.

And she was a brilliant comedic
actress who then segued

into doing Songs of Praise

and stairlift adverts.

Excellent.

Our next-door
neighbour at my old house,

she was in her 80s,
she was quite a character.

And she asked me to repair her phone
once. She said, "It won't ring."

And I turned it on and it honestly
was the most deafening noise

you've ever heard in your life!
"I think it's working!"

Anyway, she had a stairlift

and when she sat on it
she pressed the button

and you sit in the living room
and you could see her in the door

and then she'd go out of sight

and she'd
go, "Stately as a galleon!"

I loved her.

I used to have an old fella live
next door to me

and the first time I met him he
went, "All right son, how's it going?

"Thought I'd introduce meself.
I'm your neighbour.

"I'm Pete the Hat."

And I looked at him and went,
"You're not wearing a hat".

And he went, "Oh, shit," and ran off!

And then he goes back home,

"You had one thing to remember - you
let yourself down!"

All these kids with hats on!

It's not like you haven't
got a lot of 'em!

Jesus Christ! I wanted to impress
him.

Another house I lived in,

there was an old fella next door,

this, I've lived next to
a lot of old people.

And me and me flatmate went round

and the oldest man you've
ever seen in your life

came to the door and he sort of
looked a bit sort of frightened

that two young lads were sort of at
the door.

And we tried to be his friend
and said,

"Hi, we've just moved in next door'.
We're not robbers!

We're from the Gas Board!

And we said, "We just thought we'd
say hello.

"We've just moved in next door.

And he went, "Oh, right,
I'll just go and get me dad!"

And he genuinely...

And another incredibly old man that
was almost made of dust

coming down...

Urgh! And sure enough, it was his
dad!

And then he said,
"I'll go and get me dad!"

Oh, lovely neighbours,
lovely neighbours.

I don't know, Liza.
What do you think we should call it?

Oh, Christ, don't ask me.
I don't know nuffink!

That'll do, Christ, Don't Ask Me.

Or Jarvis Cocker's Britpop Herd.
Britpop Herd is good.

Boning Jarvis Cocker's Spaniel,
Boning Jarvis Cocker's Spaniel.

Thank you so much, all of you,
for this evening.

Thank you, Alan.

And you have been watching
Jarvis Cocker's Britpop Herd.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd