Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 15 - Yes Men - full transcript

COULSON: Previously on Marvel's
Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D...

-(EKG FLATLINING)
-MAY: You saved Skye's life.

What is it?

MAY: Why aren't you happy about it?

COULSON: Being down there,

seeing where I came from,

I just got really scared that she
would suffer the way that I did.

MAY: Agent Ward and I
have been having sex.

- COULSON: If it's a problem...
-I'll end it.

JIMMY: I just gotta grab something
real quick.

I'll be right back, my love.



ROOSTER: Hey, look at that.

Hey, darling.

Gal like you
could have any man you want.

Why'd you marry that little dude?
He loaded?

He's not my husband.

I took him from his bride
earlier today.

I needed him
to provide safe passage.

You in trouble?

'Cause if you need a place
to lay low for a while,

this is as good as any.

-(BIKE ENGINE REVVING)
-Oh.

What kind of beast is that?

-(GASPS)
-It's a 1987 Heritage Softail.

You can hop on mine
if you wanna feel it roar.



Hmm, how grand.

What is your name?

My men, they call me Rooster.

You have men?

You are their leader?

(CHUCKUNG)

Last time I checked, yeah.

Hmm.

(HYPNOTIC VOICE)
You and your men now serve me.

- This guy bothering you?
-No.

He's with me now.

What? No! I'm with you.

You said we'd be together forever.
Remember?

I said we'd be together
till the end.

It is the end.

(SCREAMING)

(MEN MURMURING)

Who are you?

I'm Lorelei.

Now,

introduce me to all of my men.

(KNOCKING)

- No! What did I say?
-(SIGHS)

Damn it. Every time.

It's like you have a sensor for
whenever my butt lifts off the bed.

- Back in it. Now!
-I just wanna stretch my legs.

Look.
There's color in my cheeks.

Breathing without

feeling like my whole body's
on fire. I'm good.

"Good" is not the appropriate word
to describe your state.

You've been shot twice,
had your stomach perforated,

and a breathing tube
shoved down your throat.

"Better" is the more
accurate word.

Again with the blood drive?
Not gonna have anything left.

Not sure how I feel about
Dr. Simmons. She's so strict.

Ow, and pokey.

Well, patient Skye
is unruly and stubborn.

And grateful.

I hope you know that.

I didn't do it alone.

Still, I'm the most
gratefulest-est patient alive.

-(CHUCKLES)
-That's not even a word.

Hey. This a bad time?

(GROANS)

It is if you're here
to bust me out.

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) The warden
has extended house arrest.

(SCOFFS) Awful accent.

I must look terrible.

(SIGHS) Simmons won't even
bring me a mirror.

I've seen worse.

Wow, thanks.

I mean, you look better
than when you were dying.

- Swingin' and a-missin', Ward.
-(SIGHS)

It's great to see you better.

I was so stupid
to go in there alone.

Hey, there's no point
in doing that now.

You were brave.

Thanks to you,
every S.H.I.E.L.D. agent in the country

knows Mike Peterson's alive.

You tell them
about his magic leg?

I didn't call it that, but, yes.

Agent Garrett's running point
on Mike.

Thinks he's part of
some project called Deathlok.

He looked like death.
Should've...

He wouldn't even look at me.

They did something to him.
He needs help.

He's past help.

He was there with you, Skye.
Could've protected you.

He let this happen to you.

And I'll never forgive that.

Well, I need to better protect myself.

So... When Simmons gives
the all-clear, we'll start training?

We'll ease you back into it.

No. I wanna train harder.

Next time, I don't wanna depend
on some miracle drug to save me.

She's beginning to get suspicious
of all the blood I'm taking.

FITZ: No wonder. How many samples
have you tested each day?

Not enough.
Not enough to find anything.

In her blood or Coulson's.

(SIGHS) There isn't ample residue
remaining in the vial to examine

after we emptied it
into her bloodstream.

Such a pity you only found the one.

Well, excuse me for not sticking around
long enough to get blown to pieces.

(SIGHS)

It's just that the last sample of this
miracle drug is inside Skye.

- You can't find any trace of it?
-No.

She's healing
at an exponential rate,

but I can't detect anything
irregular on a cellular level.

And you've explained to Coulson

that you need to upload
the samples to H.Q.?

He shut me down.
Said to keep it in-house.

(SCOFFS) I mean, this drug could be
a phenomenal breakthrough,

could save countless lives.

Why's he being so twitchy?

You were down in the bunker with him.

Did you see anything peculiar?

Everything was peculiar.

MAN: Director Fury
moved heaven and earth.

No! Don't give it to her!

(GASPS)

You know, usually when a friend
wants a favor, they do something nice.

Takes me to a nice restaurant,
buys me a bottle of wine.

Wanna go to a movie?
Hold hands? Okay.

But I need to ask you
a question first.

I don't know
where Director Fury is.

Don't be so shocked.

For a quiet guy,
you make a lot of noise.

How many favors have you called in?

Clearly not enough.

Something I can help you with?

Fine. But Fury is a high-level
agent who's off-grid.

You don't find him
unless he wants to find you.

You did something like that
once, too, remember?

I never asked you.

How was Tahiti?

It sucked.

(CAR ENG I N E STARTS)

New orders.

S.H.I.E.L.D.'s detecting massive
energy readings in the skies

above the
California-Nevada border.

WARD: Where's Agent Coulson?

Taking personal time.

That's a couple days straight.

SIMMONS:
These are the same readings

Dr. Selvig and Dr. Foster picked up

in New Mexico and in London.

They herald the arrival
of an Asgardian.

- Thor?
-MAY: Not sure.

Either way, S.H.I.E.L.D. wants us
to be the welcome wagon.

Okay. Fine.
No cause for concern. Right?

Asgardians are allies.

Loki wasn't.

(SIGHS)

Fitz?

Uh, we're definitely getting close,
but it's a bit of a crapshoot.

This is still science
we don't completely understand.

Seems to be a lot of that
going around lately.

So Coulson hasn't talked to you?

About why he changed his mind
on giving Skye that injection?

No. He's keeping it to himself.

Whoa! I'm getting
a massive energy surge.

Three times the level
of the one before.

How close?

(CRASHING)

Yeah. Definitely Asgardian.

FITZ: Running facial recognition.

(BEEPING)

Okay, got it.
I don't have a name, but I can confirm

she was in New Mexico
fighting with Thor and his mates.

She's on our side.

Stand down. She's a friendly.

You are of S.H.I.E.L.D.?

Yeah.

I'm Lady Sif, of Asgard.
Your world is in grave danger.

She's a warrior.

I saw her fight
in New Mexico with Thor.

Climbed a giant
metal killing machine.

Speared it
with her double-bladed sword.

It was pretty badass.

She says she needs S.H.I.E.L.D.
to help her find someone.

You up for this?

I'm fine.

Fine doesn't look like this.
Not on you.

You've been gone
more often than not.

Whatever's bothering you,
I'm here.

I know.

What dark magic is this?

Thor said you perished
at the hand of Loki.

And he was right.
For a while, anyway.

But Loki wasn't the only one
with some tricks up his sleeve.

Turns out S.H.I.E.L.D. had
a few of their own.

Thor will be pleased to hear it.
He considers you a friend.

I feel the same.

Which is why I'd prefer
he hear it from me, if that's okay.

I understand
you're looking for someone?

I am hunting her. Lorelei.

600 years ago,
she used her powers

to wreak havoc
across the Nine Realms.

To command armies,
bring down kings, empires.

What kind of powers are we
talking about? Strength? Speed?

Sorcery.

She bends and shapes the will
of men to her own purpose.

Only men?
Her powers don't work on women?

No.

Men have an inherent weakness
we do not share.

I can't imagine
what she's talking about.

The very sound of her voice
can ensnare most.

For the rare man
who can resist,

it's her voice joined by her touch
that will overpower his will.

COULSON: So how do we stop her?

With this.

It prevents her from speaking.

She wore one like it
for centuries while locked in prison.

She escaped when the Dark Elves
invaded Asgard,

and came here using Loki's
secret pathways between worlds.

Do we know where she is now?

All I know is the Bifrost delivered me
to her last known location.

Mostly small towns out that way.

Let's start looking
for unusual activity

within a few hundred-mile
radius.

Burglary, theft, assault.

If this woman's
used to ruling over empires,

she's gonna be hard to please.

I wanted gold!
You bring me paper?

(STAMMERS) It's cash. It's like gold.

This is the currency here.

And who's this ugly woman?

Uh, that's, uh, Ben Franklin.

Used to be President.

He used to rule this whole country.

Hmm.

And women can rule your land,
can they not?

Uh, you'd be the first.

Yes.

I will.

What the hell, Duane?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
-Move, move!

I have been texting you all day,
worried sick!

I thought you were dead
in a gutter somewhere.

No, no, don't, baby.
There's nothing to worry about.

I just turned off my cell phone, 'cause
the noise was bothering Lorelei.

Are those my clothes?

Why is this woman
wearing my clothes, Duane?

Who's this Duane she speaks of?

That's me. My real name's Duane.

She calls me that.

- She's my wife.
-Yeah.

Oh.

Do you prefer her to me?

She's nobody next to you.

"Nobody"? Really?
"Nobody" owns this bar!

You know what? Everybody out!
Out! We are closed! Out!

I'm tired of this noise, Rooster.
Make it stop.

- His name is not Rooster! It's...
-(GAGGING)

I'm sorry, baby.
You're making too much noise.

(BODY THUDS)

These are files
of every police report

within 100 miles
of where you arrived.

Everything from
the last 48 hours.

When you wanna sift through
the information, you just...

- I'm familiar.
-Uh, oh.

It's an antiquated system
we and other realms had ages ago.

(SIGHS) You've visited other realms.

Seen different species, aliens.

Have you ever encountered
any that were blue?

Yes. Of course.

Which ones?

Uh, lnterdites, Levians, Pheragots,

Kree, Sarks, Centaurians.

The Frost Giants tried to
conquer your Earth a millennia ago,

but Asgard drove them away.

Oh, thanks for that.

And the others, have any of them
been here recently?

(SIGHS)

Rest easy, Phillip, Son of Coul.

None of the others have ever
visited Earth.

(BEEPING)

There. A robbery of jewels.

And there. A gun store robbery
by guys on Harleys.

It's happening
faster than I feared.

She's amassing men,
gold, weaponry.

Lorelei is building an army.

Traced the men to a biker bar
called Rosie's Desert Oasis.

Probably where
Lorelei's hiding out.

Meeting a S.H.I.E.L.D.
convoy there in 10.

Good. Then you can show off
these beauties.

(WHISTLES)

These all Night-Night guns?

Based on the same technology,
but we're not calling them that anymore.

About time.

They're called ICERs.

Incapacfiafing,
Cartridge-Emitting...

-(GUN COCKS)
-They're great.

And you lost the ounce.

And I tripled
the stopping power.

But I did realize after our run-ins
with Mike and Centipede...

- Hello.
-Sorry.

That we needed
something stronger. Better.

I thought you didn't like guns.

No. I always say
if I need a gun, I'll take one.

We'll need these.

When you're up against people
who are being controlled,

sometimes it's hard
to distinguish friend from foe.

This way we can take out either.

Where's Lady Sif?

Shall we?

Lorelei's tastes run toward
palaces, castles.

This is far more humble
than her usual abode.

The draw wasn't the place,
it was the manpower.

How many men
does she have in there?

- Have you seen the suspect?
-Yes, we have.

And she's beautiful.

-(SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
-(SHOTS FIRING)

What is that?

Well, it seems we've caught
the attention of the law.

You swore to fight for me.

Yeah, and I will.

But they got a lot of
firepower out there.

I mean, hell, they even got some
Medieval Times chick.

She's got, like,
a sword and everything.

Sif.

They're on us from both sides.

Pretty hard to get off a clean shot.

Your Ladyship,
can you give us a little cover?

(GRUNTS)

Very literal interpretation.

Thank you.

All clear.

Men, stay outside.
Let Sif take Lorelei.

Ward, head around back.

Surround the building.

Lorelei.

Still manipulating men
to do your dirty work, I see.

And I see you're still
a step or two behind.

You know how this ends, Lorelei.
So come willingly.

You take me for someone
who fears you.

I've bested you before.
Or have you forgotten?

Tear her apart.

(GRUNTS)

(CRASHING)

(GRUNTING)

Look. (SIGHS) I'm sure
you're a reasonable guy,

Rooster.

Rooster? Really?

(GRUNTING)

You're a fine warrior.

I am.

So put your hands behind your back
and get on your knees.

Men kneel before me.

I do not bow to them.

I need some backup over here.

That is not what you need.

Take me somewhere grand.
Deserving of a ruler, a queen.

I know just the place.

(GRUNTS)

Lorelei's treachery
remains unchanged,

no matter the world.

We'll find them.

Every agent in the area
is out looking.

To what end, hmm?

The collar has been broken.

Short of death, we have no means
to end her enchantment.

Let me worry about that.

Stay here.

And try not to punch a hole
in my airplane.

So Ward's, what,
like a pod person?

No. According to Lady Sif,

the men Lorelei controls don't forget
who they are or what they know.

She just becomes the embodiment
of all their desires.

So, once we find them,
we can break her mojo

or whatever
and get Ward back, right?

Yes. Once the collar's back
on Lorelei's neck,

the enchantment ends.

But that's the problem.

The collar caught a shotgun blast
back in the desert.

Think you can fix it?

Well, the metal, the weight,
it's similar to the Berserker staff.

But it presents its own set
of countless unknown variables.

Got a couple hours.

(GRUNTS)

What can I do?

And don't you dare say, "Nothing,"

or tell me to sit down here
and count ceiling tiles

while Ward is missing.

Ward's got drop boxes
and storage lockers

all over the world.

They're filled with currency,
weapons, IDs.

He's gonna use aliases, cash,

anything to keep Lorelei
off the radar.

You're the best radar we have.
Find them.

Sir, may I have a moment?
It's about the GH-325.

Have you found something?

No. I've hit a wall because of
my limited resources.

The drug's chemical properties
are foreign to me,

which is startling
in its own right.

We've been over this.

So I'm requesting, once again,
to send a sample

of Skye's blood
to H.Q. for further study.

That's not an option.

Why?

I don't need to explain to you
the benefits of this drug.

You've experienced them
first-hand!

No. That's an order.

That's not a good enough reason!

I have a duty to you, sir,
as my commanding officer,

but I also have a duty
as a S.H.I.E.L.D. scientist

to pursue this, to save lives.

Given Ward's recent situation...

Two men laid down their lives

in a compound
rigged with explosives

to keep this drug hidden.
We still don't know why.

Until we do, until we speak with Fury
and get some answers,

that drug and its mysteries
stay in-house.

Focus on the mission.
Lorelei has Ward.

And we have no idea
where she's taking him.

LORELEI: I am fortunate
to have found you.

You are quite resourceful.

- Just well-trained.
-(CHUCKLES)

No. You are worlds apart
from those men in the desert.

I'm not an idiot.

I know you value me no more than
those bikers back there.

The truth is, I don't care.

Because of what you feel.

I've felt something before,
for someone on my team.

It seems foolish now.

I would die for you. Any man would.

But I don't want them.
I want you.

You're stronger. A real man with
the rage of a Berserker inside.

(HYPNOTIC VOICE)
You will present me with an army.

And I will give you a gift
in return.

(PANTING)

(GRUNTING)

When I first arrived here,

I thought Earth
left much to be desired.

But from here,
it's quite beautiful.

I've spent the last 600 years

locked away
in a dark, cold cell.

My throat shackled,

my voice silenced.

Torture.

You never have to go back there.

But Sif is on the hunt.

She will not rest,
she will not stop.

I will not know peace.

So we take her
out of the equation.

Eliminate the threat.

The graves of Asgard's enemies
are littered with men

who underestimated Sif.

Do not make the same mistake.

You do not know her.

No, I don't.

But the people she's working
with now? I know them.

May I?

(CHUCKLES)

You have experience with swords?

Yes.

But I prefer to use my hands.

Admirable.

But be warned,
Lorelei is quite skilled at combat.

Then why co-opt men?
Why have them fight for her?

Well... (SIGHS)

I believe it gives her a thrill.

Especially if the man
is already taken.

And besides, even the best warrior

needs an army
to conquer an empire.

So, her pattern remains.

She attaches herself to
the strongest warriors she can find,

and then unleashes a swath
of blood and destruction.

The man she's with, Ward,
he's as lethal as any.

One of our best.

I see.

I've been where you are,
Melinda May.

A man I cared for,
under her spell

So enchanted, he forsook
his family, his friends, me.

Steel yourself to do
what might be necessary.

- Your Agent Ward...
-He's not mine.

Well, that is certainly true now.

But Agent Ward is no longer
the man you knew.

He will not hesitate to kill you.

Ward won't kill me.

Do not let your feelings
cloud your judgment.

I'm not.

He might try to kill me,
but he won't.

Security cameras
just caught sight of them.

If Lorelei wants an army
of wealthy, pliable men,

I think she just hit the jackpot.

WOMAN 1: Clear.
WOMAN 2: Bedroom clear.

WOMAN 3: Kitchen clear.

Clear.

She's gone.

- Turn this suite upside down.
-WOMAN: Yes, sir.

I know you said you and Ward
wouldn't be a problem.

But I also know
you wouldn't tell me if it was.

Fitz. There are cameras
everywhere in this town.

Track 'em all.

No sign of them in any
surveillance around the city.

It was a long shot.

Ward knows how we work,
knows to avoid cameras.

Well, I expanded my search.
Got satellite support running.

We'll find them.

I do have a bit of good news.
I fixed Lorelei's neck collar.

Let me inspect it to be sure.

Asgardian metal is much different
from the ore of this planet.

Sure, but I think you'll find
it's up to snuff.

It's in your room.

You and Ward
have the same training,

cut from the same cloth.

If it was you,
where would you run to?

Asgardian metal is so dense,
just have to find the right tools, really.

But you'll see.
Not a scratch on it.

Because, yes, I am that good.

Well done.
You really are quite clever.

(GRUNTS)

(POUNDING)

If I was Ward, I wouldn't run.

-(WHIRRING)
-I'd take out my main threat.

We're taking off.
Why are we taking off?

- What is that pounding?
-(POUNDING CONTINUES)

I'll go and investigate. You...

Stay put. I know.

(DOOR RATTLES)

Someone locked us in.

- Fitz!
-Sir.

Ward and Lorelei are on the bus.

Where's the collar? And Sif?

In there.
That's why I'm standing guard.

Would not want Sif to get out
and hurt Lorelei.

Of course, we wouldn't.

And Lorelei wants me
to go down to the basement,

keep an eye
on the girls downstairs.

Already locked them in.

Cannot have them mucking up
Lorelei's plan.

She's the best. Isn't she, sir?

Yep. She's something else.

Aren't you the brave one?

You took my plane.
I want it back.

Well, we can't always
get what we want.

Actually, I can.

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

(GASPS)

I will retrieve Sif's sword.
it will look better in my hand.

Ward, you don't want to do this.

This was the plan.

Cross off Sif, take the plane,
eliminate anyone in our way.

Get out of her way.

It's her plan. Not yours.

Fight it.
I know you, you're a fighter.

Is this her?

The beautiful warrior
with a heart of ice?

His heart now beats in concert
with mine, and mine alone.

No reason to make this about us.

Oh.

He told me
who he desired before me.

But, my dear,

it wasn't you.

Where's Simmons?

- Oh.
-What the hell are you doing?

Sir, are you you?

Of course I am!

Fitz has Sif trapped
in the Cage.

We need to unlock the door,
get her out. What?

Coulson, they opened
the airlock. She's gone.

I'm afraid she was
sucked out of the aircraft.

Are you kidding?
She's Asgardian.

Sif's out there. Unlock it.
Let her in.

You. Come with me. I need your help.

(GRUNTS)

Anything else I can do
to be of service?

Okay, good, good.
I'll be right here.

Leave me in peace.
Return to Asgard.

While you remain here?
I think not.

FITZ: What's she doing? No.

Here, I will no longer
pose a threat to Asgard.

Can you not let me be?

Find some small mercy
within your heart?

My heart has no place in this.

- I have orders to bring you back.
-(SCOFFS)

All these years
and you're still the same Sif.

Doing as you're told.

Heeling at the feet
of those who command you.

Never to get what you desire?

Not Haldorr.

Not Thor,

a man who considers you
more pet than woman.

Hand me my sword, Lorelei.

See, there's the difference
between you and I.

I don't take orders.

(GRUNTS)

Stay strong for me, baby girl.
You stay strong.

(GASPS)

Simmons. You're not supposed to
be up here.

FITZ: Ward? I think
we have a big problem!

(GRUNTING)

Ah!

(GRUNTING)

You better get back here, Simmons.
You cannot be running about.

Okay? Lorelei does not want any...

- Fitz.
-Sir?

(SIGHS)

Poor thing. He's always getting
knocked out, isn't he?

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMS)

Ah!

(SWORD CLATTERS)

(PANTING)

(SCREAMING)

Kill me.

I'd rather die
than go back to that place.

You will not get off that easy.

Why?

It's what you want.

I can see it in your eyes.

Or would you rather hear about
how the man you loved

followed me around like a dog?

Hear of his touch, his kiss,
the look in his eyes when I...

(STUTTERING)

You were saying?

- Sorry about this.
-(CLICKS)

Whoa! Wait, wait, wait. Sorry.

It's me. Okay? I'm back.

He speaks the truth.

Good to know.

SIF: My apologies.

The damage caused to your
flying boat was unfortunate.

It's seen worse.

I assure you,

Lorelei will be
punished severely

for the crimes
against your people.

It must've been hard for you.

After everything she did.

To move past it, to let it go.

Odin ordered her back alive.

As one of his warriors,
I bow to his will.

Regardless of what it cost you?

Much like your S.H.I.E.L.D.,
we are bound by our code.

I am honored
to have fought by your side.

I'll run diagnostics. See how
much damage we're dealing with.

How much are you dealing with?

He didn't break anything, so...

Not what I meant.
You should talk to him. Hash it out.

Then you should take your own advice.

You've been sitting on something
since the Guest House.

If not with me, then with Skye.

She deserves to know
what you saw down there.

I figure, I'll let you
punch me again. Repeatedly.

- Just, why don't you just...
-it's fine.

It's not.

I never intended...

- I didn't wanna hurt...
-You didn't.

There was never a risk with me.
I told you that.

You did.

Seems like we're done here.

Okay.

But if what Lorelei said
was true,

you were more honest with her
than you are with yourself.

I'm not saying you were weak.
I'm saying all men are weak.

Sir.

I understand why you had to
punch me. And I forgive you.

Could I get a moment alone
with Skye, please?

Yeah.

I know that face,

and something gives me the feeling
I should be sitting down for this.

(SIGHS) I've been looking for a way
to tell you this.

Looking around for some answers,
something to help explain...

But I don't have any.

So...

The drug, the one that
saved us both...

When we found it,
I discovered something else.

Its source.

It was

alien.

Alien, as in unfamiliar?

No.

Wow.

The minute I learned what it was,

I tried to keep them from
injecting you with it, but I was too late.

I'm so sorry, Skye.

You were trying to save my life.
You did save my life.

I was desperate to,

and so I subjected you
to unknown ramifications,

or side effects.

I'm sorry to say this, sir,
but so what?

We are alive.

And you've had that stuff in you

for some time now,
and you're okay, right?

Plus you're not sprouting
a pointy tail or anything,

so bonus there.

I know nothing fazes you,
but this should faze you.

We're completely
in the dark on this.

That's where we live.

I'm an 084. Who knows
what the hell that means?

At least
we're in the dark together.

Yes.

But not for long.

To hell with any protocols,
or any code I used to be bound by.

We have a long list of questions
we need answers for,

and we're going
after them ourselves.

Well, if the team's up for it...

No. No, listen to me.

I trust them, but we need to
protect them from this.

Fury went to dangerous lengths
to keep this under wraps.

Lied to me, lied to S.H.I.E.L.D.

This is a powerful secret.
A secret men died for.

Until we know why,
we can't share this with anyone.

For their safety, and ours.

Got it.

So what'll it be, A.C.?

What do we go after first?

The person responsible for this.

And we make him pay.

No. No, listen.

I trust them, but we need to
protect them from this.

Fury went to dangerous lengths
to keep this under wraps.

Lied to me, lied to S.H.I.E.L.D.

This is a powerful secret.
A secret men died for.

Until we know why,
we can't share this with anyone.

For their safety, and ours.

(BEEPS)

WOMAN: Encrypted line secure.

Agent Melinda May.
Update log 93.

He knows.

I repeat, Coulson knows.