Age Before Beauty (2018): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript

I asked you here to tell you
that I'm gone. For good!

Teddy'll be home, soon.

- Are you sure he's on his way home?
- Where else would he be?

This... this is a joke, right?

It's not a joke. And
I can prove it.

Wanna meet somewhere?

Yeah, why not?

I love him.

I wish I didn't...

..but I do.

Well, how lucky is this?



Could it have come
at a better time?

So, who wants a job?

Mirror, mirror on the wall...

..Who's the fairest of them all?

Age before beauty?

Pearls before swine?

Handsome Prince Charming.

Will you be mine?

Isabelle Susan Finch,

do you take this man to be
your lawful wedded husband,

to have and to hold,
from this day forward,

for better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer,

in sickness and in health, for
as long as you both shall live?

I do.



♪ If you wake up and
don't want to smile ♪

♪ If it takes just
a little while ♪

♪ Open your eyes and
look at the day ♪

♪ You'll see things
in a different way ♪

♪ Don't stop thinking
about tomorrow ♪

♪ Don't stop, it'll
soon be here ♪

♪ It'll be better than before ♪

♪ Yesterday's gone,
yesterday's gone ♪

♪ Ooh, don't you look back ♪

♪ Ooh, don't you look back... ♪

Are you ready, Mrs Roxton?

♪ Ooh, don't you look back... ♪

I want them to watch and weep!

I want them to see what
they've thrown away.

I want tomorrow to be burned
into their brain cells forever.

It's so peaceful here.

I should make the most of it.

Thank you,

for being a good friend.

I haven't been a good friend.

I keep trying to tell you.

You showed up when
I needed someone.

You stuck with me
all these months.

I call that friendship.

No, but before that...

Don't.

What you want to tell
me, will it help?

I can't go back. I
have to go forward.

Will it help me to do that?

Probably not.

So don't tell me.

Welcome home.

I know you can't quite
think of it as "home".

I will.

There's no rush.

_

So, here's what I know.

I know about Lorelei.

I know you've been cheating.

I know it's over.

I know that I'm willing
to overlook all of that,

because I want you to
overlook something, too.

Last night...

..I slept with Teddy.

Could you possibly
stoop any lower?

Where did you get that?

Does it matter?

You're actually taking the
moral high ground here?

You've been having an
affair for months!

And you've known about it for
months and done nothing!

Was that my job?
To do something?

Maybe if you had, I'd have come
to my senses sooner, yeah!

Oh, God, what a gonk!

How did I miss that
it was down to me!

But maybe that wasn't part of the plan!
Maybe my little slip-up...

"Slip?!"

Maybe that was just the
excuse you were waiting for!

To what?

To get inside Teddy's kecks?

And what if that
wasn't the plan?

What if the plan was to
stay married to you?

Well, guess what?
You've blown it!

Look, I was in the wrong.

I totally screwed up.

And I was all set to admit it,
and beg you to take me back.

And I would've.

I made a mistake.
You made a mistake.

We're even.

No, Bel, no, we're not even.

Thanks to this...

..I slept with Leanne!

That's not even funny.

I never said it was.

You slept with Leanne?

You slept with my sister?

After you did this!

It was a kiss!

A kiss? Just a kiss?

Just a kiss!

Until... until...

..until last night.

And then what?

I...

..I slept with Teddy.

How was it? Amazing? Mind-blowing?
Earth-shattering?

Well, maybe not as amazing
as you and Leanne or you and

Lorelei or you and whoever else
you've been screwing behind my back.

Who knows how long you've been
shagging him behind mine!

Yeah. "Who knows"?
Good question.

Because if you don't
know, who does?

You've lost me, Bel.

I get that, Wes! I really do.

Because right now, I have
no idea who you are!

Same! Married 30 years to
a woman I thought I knew.

But it turns out
she's just some bird

who could happily
bang my best mate!

While you are just some guy
who'd happily shag my sister!

Maybe I should've married her.

Maybe you should!

Well, it's not too late!

Since clearly we've both been with
the wrong partners all these years.

Tell me about it!

Good luck with the
rest of your life!

Back to the real world?

Hi.

Hi.

How's things?

Yeah, it was lovely, thanks.

Great weather, good
food, amazing views.

Right, let's just crack on, shall we?
Where's Heidi?

Oh, Mum, the, er...

Wow. Top dollar?

Buckshee produit.

So now we're short-staffed?

Mum's taken over
Heidi's clients.

I'm helping her out.

So who's looking
after Tina's tans?

Shaquille?

Yeah.

Meet my apprentice.

Shaquille, welcome.

So I've booked three
videographers.

Three?

One for me, one for the crowd, and
one for Twat-Face and Ding-Dong.

I want every little tear, every
frown, every scowl all recorded.

Seriously?

Sweetie? With all due respect?
This is my second wedding.

As opposed to your, er, zero.

So which of us is likely
to be the expert? Exactly.

And I can assure you that
weddings are totes about getting

one-up on those bastards
who've made you suffer!

And believe me, that
suffering has barely begun!

Here today, here to stay!

It's the Leanne
Roxton Beauty Bus!

You said we weren't
gonna do this.

You said we'd stay the other side
of town and not steal her clients.

Did I?

Oops!

Unbeatable prices! All the latest
treatments! Go inside. Have a look.

Through here?

Yeah. On that one,
straight up there.

- Great, thanks.
- Heidi, this is my home turf.

It's more upmarket and if the
best parking spot just so happens

to be round the corner
from her salon? Tough!

- Leanne Roxton Beauty Bus?
- Yeah.

Shouldn't it be Leanne Finch?

Why should I change names?

Leanne Roxton has pedigree
in this industry.

Bel's welcome to
Teddy-boring-bastard-Bear,

I'm keeping the name!

You do that way, I'll do this.

Check out the Leanne
Roxton Beauty Bus!

Step this way and never be afraid
to look in the mirror again!

There you go, my darling.
Can I give you a leaflet?

- Ignore her.
- Are you kidding?

There you go, love.
Amazing offers.

Unique produits! Nothing round
here that's anything like it!

What are you doing?

- All's fair in love and business.
- Oh, come on!

Oh, says the bitch who
won't let her kids

go to their own
father's wedding!

- What?
- His big day and they won't be there.

Have you any idea how
hurtful that is?

Yes, actually, since they
weren't there at mine!

That's different.

You were the one who broke up the
family by seducing my husband!

Which I'm totes not arsed about,
by the way! Hello, snore over him.

You don't even like my kids.

Well, that was before. Now
they're my step-kids.

And by the way, I am going
to be such a cool step-mom!

Really? Because you weren't
such a cool auntie.

And I can't help wondering,
if you're so keen on kids,

how come you didn't
have any of your own?

Oh, my God. Did you just do that?
Disrespect my choices?

Childlessness-shame me?

Not that I'm arsed.

My decision to devote myself to
my career is one which I have

totes not regretted
for a single second.

Although...

..now I'm with Wesley, I
might just have a rethink.

Hi, it's Dante, leave a message.

OK, so I'm going through my bank
statements, and they tell me

I'm fulfilling my
part of the deal.

Then I'm going through my missed
calls, and they tell me you're not.

So, to be clear,
this regular support

was for you to lie low
and keep your distance,

not disappear and
ignore my calls.

I need to know I can rely
on you, pal, that...

..you'll support me
by keeping shtoom.

Do I have your word on that?

Because I don't want to have to
"delete standing order", do I?

How can you not
know where he is?

He's gone to ground.

Which he does when
he's in trouble.

Which you'd know if you'd
been around for longer

than the last two years.

What sort of trouble?

Debts.

- Help him out.
- I do. By not bailing him out.

It's an addiction. You don't
feed it, you starve it.

- Shall I talk to him?
- Why?

I'm his dad.

Oh! You remembered!

I did what I could. I
gave you a tidy pay-out.

Which you used to set up a
multi-million-pound business.

- So in the end...
- It all worked out for the best.

Hasn't it?

You know, sometimes I think I
should've just looked the other way.

When?

Two years ago, when I ran into
you at the network event.

I never said you should
tell him about me.

I know.

I just thought that...

What?

What harm could it do?

If he gets in touch,
tell him to call me.

Apprentice? That's all I am?

Obviously not.

But why do they need
to know any more?

Well, for one, your mum
keeps grabbing my ass

and I think she should
know it's off the market.

And, two, we've been saying for
six months we'll tell people.

Yeah, during which time,
World War III kicked off.

And it would look tacky
to be making smiley faces

while everyone else
were falling apart.

Well, tomorrow we tell 'em.

Or you can start looking
for a new apprentice.

So, I take it it's a no from
the kids, to the wedding?

Well, what did you expect?

It's more what I hoped.

That's sweet, coming from you! The
poster boy for Family Values.

Plus, I didn't see anyone trying
to persuade them to come to mine.

Maybe not, but someone did.

Who?

Wesley.

- I can't believe Dad sent you.
- He didn't.

- You of all people?
- Me of all people?

So, just to be clear, I am the
bad guy here, not your dad.

- Dad's a sad old fuck.
- A walking cliche.

Who had an affair.

- But you set him up.
- Me?

No career, no conversation,

stay-at-home-mum,
boring housewife.

- What?
- What happened to ambition?

What happened to... to doing
something with your life?

I stayed at home for you guys.

- Did we ask you to?
- To be fair, I liked her at home.

Half me mates never
saw the 'rents.

They were always busy
off out at work.

Least they had a life! Least
they had stuff to talk about!

What did Dad come home to?

"Tyler got a gold star",
"Lexie got detention".

That's not the point.

- That is SO the point.
- No!

The point is, Dad was a knob for
cheating in the first place,

but Mum was an even bigger knob

for not seeing it for
what it really was,

a mid-life jiggy with a
20-something Barbie.

She could've hung in there,

she could've waited for him
to come to his senses.

Instead of which...

She took a bite of her
sister's pancake. Classy!

I get it. I blew it!

Whatever decisions I made
were the wrong ones.

Hello! Self-pity city.

And you've made your
feelings perfectly clear.

You boycotted me wedding...

What else would we do? Oh, wait...
respect your wishes?

Celebrate your choices?

Er, maybe? And afford your
dad the same courtesy

on the basis that he's
fallible, like the rest of us

and he doesn't need to be punished
for the rest of his life.

Go to his wedding.

Not for my sake...

..for his.

He shafted you, big-style, and
you're still doing his dirty work.

Show some dignity, Ma.

♪ And when you smile ♪

♪ The whole world stops
and stares for a while ♪

♪ Cos, girl, you're amazing...! ♪

Eat your heart out, Ding-A-Ling.

They despise me.

They're young, Bel.

And they don't get how it works.

How does it work?

I'm not sure I get it either.

I don't know what to say.

Leanne, I know she's
desperate for attention,

and... and maybe
that's my fault.

I let her down. I wasn't there.

But Wes?

How could he do that to you?

Practice.

How long have you known?

Months.

Why didn't you tell me?

At first, I thought
it was a mistake.

And then I thought it
would soon be over.

And then I met her.

How?

I booked a sesh.

Wanted to see what she was like,
what she had that I didn't.

In the end, he left her, so
she didn't have anything.

And neither did I.

You have me.

I know what you said last night.

You still love him.

I totally get that, I totally
respect you don't love me.

It's not that I don't love you.

It's that I thought
I loved him more.

I understand.

But then I think...

..does he deserve it?

I mean, he's screwed up several
times with several women.

Once, I could forgive,
but more than once?

I mean, that's just
taking the piss.

Especially with your own sister.

I don't know who he is any more.

But you know who I am.

And how I feel.

And that will never change.

Does it ever seem like we
all went slightly doolally,

and by the time we
all got sane again,

everything had moved on, and we
were all running to catch up?

Well...

..it doesn't seem
like that to me.

Well, it seems that, before
you, nothing made sense.

And now it does.

- You ever hear from Miss PT?
- Long gone.

- Any regrets?
- Starting it in the first place?

- Ending it.
- Yeah, sometimes.

She was a nice girl, we
had good times, but...

..when I look back, what was it?

A few weeks of madness
which cost me a marriage.

- And a friendship.
- Hmm.

You were my best mate, I
trusted you with my life,

and you go and sleep
with my wife?

You slept with mine.

Afterwards.

No! I think it was pretty
much simultaneous.

Look, is there any
point to this?

Nobody comes out
smelling of Brut.

Least of all the guy who had
the affair in the first place.

- Egged on by you.
- Yeah, I admit it!

I thought you could have your cake,
but that's not what happened.

People got hurt,
people felt betrayed,

and people needed a
shoulder to cry on.

And yours just so happened
to be in pole position.

Mate, it's done.

I'm gutted Leanne didn't
feel she could turn to me.

I'm grateful you were there
when she needed someone.

You know, no-one meant for
this to happen, but it did,

and we can either spit the
dummy or be grown-up.

Leanne wants a divorce.

You're kidding me?

And I owe it to her
not to make a fuss.

I humbly suggest you
owe Bel the same.

You mean, none of us should
try and save our marriages?

It's gone way beyond that, pal.

You of all people should
know when to call time.

Hey...

..I really wish you well, mate.

And I hope the day will
come when we can all sit

round a table together
with no hard feelings.

How's that ever going to happen?

- This wedding...
- Mm-hm?

..whose idea were it?

Mine.

- Surprised?
- Yeah!

You always said she was
a bit of a craze-ball.

She was.

But when Bel and Teddy shafted
us, something happened,

we just... we kind of
latched on to each other,

joined ranks.

In a crisis, you start seeing
people in a different light.

So, yeah, she's loud, she's not
subtle, but there's no side to her.

You know, I thought I knew Bel
like the back of me hand, but...

But you've hardly spoke
to Bel in six month.

Maybe there's another
side to the story.

To be honest, I've moved on.

Everyone's moved on.

If it dun't work out
with Leanne, so be it.

Well, can't be any worse
than my marriage to Bel.

We had a lot going for us and
that still turned to shit.

Yeah, but to not even try?

I'm a joiner, Tine.

Joiners get called out
to mend broken things.

I've done my time fixing stuff.

And now I want
something brand-new.

Ugh, seriously, dude.

When I think about
what they've done,

what spectacular off-the-scale,
batshit-crazy fuckwits they are...

They're ancient, senile,
brain cells bollocksed.

That's never happening to me.
I will never be those eejits.

You say that, but in the end,
what's it all come down to?

- Discernment.
- Discernment?

And I don't have a lot
of faith in mine.

Why?

That guy I was seeing,
I thought I knew him,

and he showed himself to be the
most humungous weirdo prick.

How?

He had these Star Wars figures.

Why's that weird? You
had Gimli and Legolas!

He used them to show me how
he pimped his best friend.

To who?

Some guy, some married guy, so that
this guy would cheat on his wife.

But then Dante's dad would
swoop in and waltz off...

..with the wife.

Sounds like Mum, Dad and Teddy!

Yeah...

Who was this guy?

The dad who ran
away with the wife?

Never found out. Not
seen Dante for months.

Why do you think he told you?

Said he wanted to
stop having secrets.

Yeah, but why you?
Why that story?

OK, Mrs Roxton...

..shall we do this?

Who's Padme?

You'd better come in.

Every bride wants their
wedding day to be perfect.

But how can you guarantee
you'll be looking

your bride-body-best
on your big day?

Easy-peasy! Book the
Leanne Roxton Beauty Bus.

Today, I'm going to show you
how to be bride-body-ready

so you can outshine
your bridesmaids,

upstage your mother-in-law,
out-do your best friend,

and wipe the floor with the
bitch who stole your husband,

who you now wouldn't have
back if he paid you.

He did pay you.

Mm! A small fortune!

So cheers, twat face,
this wedding's on you!

So, let me talk you through
exactly what we're going to do

to turn snore-bore bride into
bootylicious babe bride.

He zubed everyone?
Mum, Dad, your mate?

And you went along
with it because...?

He's me dad.

Now, looking at me,

you wouldn't believe I fall into
the category of "older bride".

And although we can't work miracles,
we can definitely give hope

to the older woman who fears her
days of looking hot are behind her.

What's this all in aid of?

Hello? Website? Business Plan?

I'm positioning myself as
the go-to girl for wedding,

prom and pamper packages.

- That's a really good idea.
- Yeah!

I actually have ideas, you know?

Contrary to what Teddy and
Bel would have you believe.

- We have to tell Mum.
- And Dad.

If I ask you to do something,
will you trust me that

it's completely and utterly
for the right reasons?

OK.

- You need to be somewhere.
- Where?

- Knowlemeade Hall.
- Why?

Because. OK?

Will you let me know when
Ding Dong gets here?

I thought she looked
well chunk yesterday.

She's deffo up a dress size.

It's probably all that pasta
she ate on honeymoon!

'Course, she dun't have to try
any more now she's got him.

Wonder if he knows what a
blob he's let himself in for?

Wesley's well shot.

No, it goes there.

- What's Dayna Gifford doing here?
- She's a client.

- Yeah, Bel's client.
- Not for much longer.

Leon's here! Can I go see him?

Absolutely not.

And don't call him Leon!

Footballers are very
dodgy characters

and we don't want
anything to do with them.

Unless, of course, I'm going to
ask them to be brand ambassador

to my business?

- Mum's not picking up.
- Dad's not picking up.

Mum...

Dad, don't get married. Just
wait until we get there.

- Just don't let Dad get married.
- Just don't get married.

You have to stop the wedding.

♪ Here I am ♪

♪ Prayin' for this
moment to last ♪

♪ Livin' on the music so fine ♪
Go out!

♪ Borne on the wind ♪

♪ Makin' it mine! ♪

I thought you were
giving the bride away.

Your sister's decided the
wheels'd lower the tone

so she's giving herself away.

Are you going opened or closed?

It's just Leanne's day.

Apparently we've got
reserved seats.

- It's a special request.
- Yeah...

We are here today to celebrate
the union of Wesley James Finch

and Leanne Ivy Patricia Regan.

Today, they will proclaim
their love for one another

and we will celebrate with them.

So let me begin by asking,
if any person present knows

of any lawful impediment to this
marriage, let them now declare it.

Sod this!

Before you are joined
together in marriage,

it is my duty to remind you of
the solemn and binding nature

of the vows you're
about to make.

Marriage is the union
of two people,

entered into voluntarily
for life...

..to the exclusion
of all others.

_

I'm now going to ask you each in
turn to declare that you know

of no legal reason why you may not
be joined together in marriage.

Wesley James, do you
take Leanne Ivy Patricia

to be your lawful wedded wife,
and to be loving, faithful

and loyal to her for the
rest of your life together?

I do.

Leanne Ivy Patricia, do
you take Wesley James

to be your lawful
wedded husband,

to be loving, faithful
and loyal to him

for the rest of
your life together?

I do.

Sit down.

- How long before you...?
- Three weeks.

- Does he know?
- No-one knows.

Why are you here?

My friend said I should come.

He said there was something
I needed to know.

I call upon these
persons here present.

To witness that I, Wesley James.

To witness that I, Wesley James.

Take you, Leanne Ivy Patricia.

Take you, Leanne Ivy Patricia.

To be my lawful wedded wife.

- Dad, don't do it!
- It's a trap!

You've been shafted.

You vicious little madam.

Guys, please don't do this.
Not now.

Dad, you have to listen.

Get them out of here!

We need to tell you something.

Don't think I don't know
who's put you up to this!

The cow! The desperate little tramp!
Where is she?

- Let's not do this now, Leanne!
- Where is she?!

- Dad, please.
- You have to listen.

Guys, enough!

Please.

Will you get them out of here?

I thought you two were
getting back together.

I thought so too.

Why didn't that happen?

Because my sister swooped
in and grabbed him.

But aren't you gutted?

I'm married to her ex.

Oh, my God.

Don't you get it?

If I'd known...

- What?
- ..that Wes would be free...

Why didn't someone tell me?

If you didn't want him,
I could've had him.

We could've been together.
We could've been a family.

She put those brats up to it.

- Well, it won't work.
- I doubt that very much.

No way is she
wrecking my big day.

I call upon these persons
here present to witness...

Mum's not here. Where
the hell is she?

..take you, Wesley James, to
be my lawful wedded husband.

To love and to cherish
from this day forward

in sickness and in health, as
long as we both shall live.

Carry on!

Don't tell Wes.

Promise me you won't tell him.

I don't want him to know.

Don't you think
he'd want to know?

What possible good
would it do now?

- Oh, Christ!
- Is that...?

Dad's?

Are you Lexie?

Er, yeah.

This is Tyler.

It's good to finally meet you.

- Mum, we need to tell you something.
- What?

- We're so sorry.
- We don't blame you.

- None of this is your fault.
- Or Dad's.

- What do you mean?
- Or yours.

What are they talking about?

- You were set up. All of you.
- Totally shafted.

By who?

Teddy.

I'm so sorry. The last thing
we want is to hurt you.

- Or you.
- But when we found out...

How did you?

- That guy I was seeing...
- Dante.

You were seeing Dante?

He's been shafted too.

He'd no choice.

Teddy's his dad.

He can't be.

Ask him.

Oh, my... Leanne.

What?

She never had kids.

Shit.

Oh, God, she's going
to be devastated.

I just... I need to
get out of here.

- I'll come with you.
- No, I'm fine.

- I'll get you a taxi.
- No, honestly, I just want to...

I give you this ring as
a symbol of our love.

I give you this ring as
a symbol of our love.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

What do I do? What do I do?!

This isn't happening.

Lex, call an ambulance. Tyler,
make sure no-one comes in.

She needs to stay calm.

Lorelei, look at me,
look at me, sweetheart.

Tell me what's happening.
Are you contracting?

I can't be contracting! I'm
not due for three weeks.

You're contracting.

Hello? Yeah, I
need an ambulance.

Let's get you on your
hands and knees, OK?

Look at me, look at me.

Lorelei, this baby
is on its way now.

- Oh, dear God!
- But there's nothing to panic about.

There is. There is!

Yeah, we think it's coming now.
I don't know, I'll ask.

Do we need talking through it?

No, we don't need
talking through it.

We know exactly
what we're doing.

- Do we?
- Exactly what we're doing.

I promise to love you.

To be faithful and loyal
in good times and bad.

And may this ring remind you of
all the words we've spoken today.

And may this ring remind you...

Shouldn't we get someone?

An ambulance will
be here any minute.

We don't need anybody else.
She's doing great.

You're doing great, sweetheart.

You are doing great.

All that I am, I give to you.

And all that I have,
I share with you.

Look at me. Breathe in and out.

Today is a new beginning.

May you have many happy years
together, and in those years,

may all your hopes and
dreams be fulfilled.

Does she want Dad?

Do you? Do you want him?

Maybe get him just in case.

He's getting married!

It's his kid!

Just stay with her.

It now gives me great pleasure
to tell you both that you are

now legally husband and wife.

Excuse me. Sorry. I'm
looking for Lorelei.

- Dante?
- Yes.

Come with me.

- It's coming!
- Mum!

Are you comfy like that?

Dante, she needs you. Let
her lean on you, OK?

There we go. That's it.

Keep breathing. It's OK.

- Almost there.
- It's OK.

Almost there.

You're doing great.

That's it.

Well, hello, baby girl.

Aren't you the image of
someone we know and love?

We did it. We did it.

- We did it.
- We did it.

Can we make sure that ambulance
doesn't get in any shots?

I don't want it
ruining the photos.

Hey.

You're amazing.

No, you're amazing.

I can go with you.

No. We'll be fine.

You have stuff to sort here.

And I will.

Leave it with me.

Hey, come here.

Where is she?

How dare she not be here?
She's done this on purpose!

Did you see where she went?
Was she with Lex and Ty?

No idea.

Excuse me! This is my
day, these are my photos.

Anyone not here inside two minutes
will be out of the picture.

Excuse me, if this is a family
group, aren't we missing some?

Yeah, Bel and the kids.
That's their problem.

I was referring to
my other son-in-law,

unless I'm very much mistaken.

Do the honours, Tina.

- Just smile.
- Really?

- Did you know about that?
- No.

Welcome to the circus, pal.

Thank you, sir.

I think I'm well prepared.

I seriously doubt that.

Right, anyone else?

Unbelievable, this
cannot be happening.

I can't believe you'd do
this, upstage my big day!

How could you?

Now do you see why I
wanted to keep us quiet?

Yep.

Three, two, one...

She won't be long.

Just had to nip home and change.

What are you doing here?

I want you to know that I'm really
glad we got to know each other,

and I'm sorry it hasn't
worked out how you wanted.

What are you on about?

And despite everything, I really
don't think you're a bad person.

Why are you here? It's
not what we agreed.

- You're supposed to be...
- Your little secret?

I know.

But I've helped you
shit on too many people

and I don't want to
do that any more.

- Get the fuck out of here.
- What's going on?

Not your business.

Do you know this person?

Oh, he knows me.

Well?

Intimately.

- You're gay.
- Yeah.

- You're his twink?
- No. I'm his son.

I don't think so! Teddy
didn't want kids.

Neither did I. Our
careers came first.

That's lucky, since the
first thing he did

after I came on the
scene was get the snip.

The what?

You little prick.

He did what?

You absolute arsehole.

Lads! Lads! Lads!

Hey, what are you doing?
Steady on.

You OK? Come on.

You had the snip?

Good thing you
never wanted kids.

Why would I not want kids?

Bel has kids. You have kids.

Kid.

Of course I wanted kids.

Oh, hello, it's good
of you to grace us.

Happy, are we? Won, have we?

Is it a competition?

Ask Teddy.

Yeah, Bel, could I have a word?

- A private word.
- Yes, you can.

But first I want a
private word with Wes.

No!

No, absolutely not!

Would you mind?

You will not do this! You
will not go with her.

My best mate, our oldest friend,

how did he manage...?

How could we ever be so...?

Dumb? Dense? Blind?

I trusted him.

We trusted him.

I married him!

And I just married Leanne.

Oh, Christ, what have we done?

- I'll leave her.
- No.

How can I stay with her?

She's not done anything wrong.
This is not her fault.

What do I do? What do we do?

Wait.

- For what?
- Her to get fed up.

Which she will, because
once she thinks that

she's "won" and I've "lost",
then she'll realise that

she's actually got nothing
in common with you.

She's way better
suited to Teddy.

Yeah, but what about you?
You can't stay with him.

Right now, he's the
least of my concerns.

Jesus, Bel.

- What?
- What the hell were we thinking?

Er, did you forget something?

Like, hello!

My husband's tonsils you've
got your teeth wrapped round.

Leanne, seriously?

He married you. I'm
his sister-in-law.

Can we please just move on?

What happened there? Oh, well,
I'm sure you deserved it.

Bel, can I just...?

Not now, if you don't mind, I
want to hear the speeches.

Right, we don't need any of this
"father-of-the-bride" bollocks.

Bloody hell.

I would like to say something about
the institution of marriage.

To which you might say,
"Who's she to talk?"

Too true.

Me and your dad have shagged
around since day one,

and that is not about to change.

So why bother with the
formalities of marriage?

Because we're not perfect.

We screw up, we screw around,

but at the end of the day,

we come home.

That's what counts.

Thank you, Mum.

I think we all get the gist.

And I'm here to tell you that when
it comes to happily ever after,

that me and Wes have
got it covered.

And it should be said that
through no fault of my own,

I've not been able to bless
this world with offspring.

But Wesley and I are still
young, and unlike some people...

..I intend to prove that
two things in particular

are not mutually exclusive...

..career and motherhood.

And now, here's Disney with another
show-stopping performance.

♪ When your legs don't work
like they used to before ♪

♪ And I can't sweep you
off of your feet... ♪

Hey.

Look, I don't know exactly
what's been said...

..but contrary to
what you might think,

this has only ever
been about one thing.

- You love me.
- I love you.

I've always loved you.

And if I've done things that
might not have seemed ideal,

please understand
I had no choice.

In a toss-up between you
and everything else,

it's you first and
the rest nowhere.

And given that, what
was I supposed to do?

Give me a chance to
make it up to you.

To Wes, to everyone.

I need to go.

- I need to go.
- But you'll come back?

Promise you'll come back.

♪ I just want to tell you I am ♪

♪ So, honey, now... ♪

♪ And now it's time
to let it through ♪

♪ Cos, baby, you're a firework ♪

♪ Come on, show 'em
what you're worth ♪

♪ Make 'em go oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ As you shoot
across the sky-y-y ♪

♪ Baby, you're a firework ♪

♪ Come on, let your
colours burst ♪

♪ Make 'em go oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ You're gonna leave 'em ♪
♪ falling down, down, down ♪

♪ Boom, boom, boom ♪

♪ Even brighter than ♪
♪ the moon, moon, moon ♪

♪ Boom, boom, boom ♪

♪ Even brighter than the
moon, moon, moon. ♪

I could kill him.

There's a queue. Come on.

♪ We don't need calligraphy
to write a fancy story ♪

♪ Kings and queens return to thieves
to find what we've been holding ♪

♪ You and me ♪

♪ We can take the world... ♪

There's no way you
can stick with him.

I stuck with you, didn't I?

Far longer than I deserved.

Bel...

..I never said sorry.

For throwing away
the most perfect...

I was never perfect.

For me, you were.

I was just too dumb to see it.

And now?

Second family? More kids?

No way.

Done that, earned my right
to a peaceful old age.

Oh, I don't know.

Imagine doing it all again,
knowing what you know,

having learnt from
your mistakes.

Couldn't you make a better
job of it this time round?

I could.

Leanne might surprise you.

I doubt it.

And Lorelei.

How do you think
she'd be as a mum?

Pretty good, probably.
Why do you ask?

Because I think we're
about to find out.

Her name's Isabella.

She's three hours old.

Looks like you're going to have to
postpone that peaceful old age!

But what...? How...?

That's not... Is it?

How do...?

- I don't understand.
- You don't need to.

You just need to know
that she's welcome,

they both are, and we're
going to take care of them

because they're family.

How the hell are...?

How are we going
to make this work?

I've no idea.

Let's find out.

♪ Oh, like we can
take the world ♪

♪ Ain't it just like
love to find us? ♪

♪ Ain't it just like love? ♪

♪ Ain't it just like
love to find us? ♪

♪ Oh, ain't it just like love? ♪

♪ Cos they can write stories ♪

♪ They can sing songs ♪

♪ They don't make fairy
tales sweeter than ours ♪

♪ Oh, they can climb mountains
high into the sky ♪

♪ But they can't
take the world ♪

♪ Oh, no, no ♪

♪ Like we can take the world ♪

♪ The world ♪

♪ La da da, la da da ♪

♪ Da da da da da da. ♪