Age Before Beauty (2018): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript
Now aware of Wes's infidelity Bel plans to meet Lorelei, disguising herself as a plain dumpy woman called Sheila Hoff. She is dismayed by her rival's youth and looks and goes for a ...
- I'm Bel, and I'm...
- Back and kicking ass.
Back and answerable to me.
"Fancy helping out in the salon?"
For no money and zero thanks.
Bel's going to helping
us out from now on.
Dogsbody work. It's a
personal affront to me.
It suggests that I was
useless and she's better.
Loser.
Lorelei.
Wesley. Client in town,
we're doing a deal.
But you don't get
enough exercise.
Dante, it's over.
- She don't do married men.
- Sort it.
Why would you want your best mate
to cheat on your other best mate?
She's the woman I would have married
if he hadn't got there first.
Hi, I'd like to book
a taster session.
Mirror, mirror on the wall...
Who's the fairest of them all?
Age before beauty.
Pearls before swine.
Handsome Prince Charming.
Will you be mine?
♪ Well, well, I once believed ♪
♪ All fellas were nice ♪
♪ But, girls, listen to me ♪
♪ Take my advice ♪
♪ Girls, you better
get yourselves ♪
♪ On the right track ♪
♪ Cos finding a
good man, girls ♪
♪ Is like finding a
needle in a haystack ♪
- ♪ What did I say, girls? ♪
- ♪ Needle in a haystack ♪
♪ Shoo doo ♪
♪ Shoo doo wa dah ♪
♪ Shoo doo ♪
♪ Shoo doo wa dah ♪
♪ Girls, those fellas are
sly, slick and shy, yeah ♪
♪ So don't you ever let them
catch you looking starry-eyed ♪
♪ They'll tell you that
their love is true ♪
♪ And they'll walk
right over you ♪
♪ Now, girls, you'd better
know these things ♪
♪ Right off the bat ♪
♪ Cos finding a
good man, girls ♪
♪ Is like finding a
needle in a haystack ♪
♪ What did I say, girls? ♪
♪ Needle in a haystack... ♪
You couldn't, like,
use a nose or a wig?
I could probably use
me 'ead tested,
but what I've got is a
pay-as-you-go phone, fake ID,
so say hello to...
Sheila Gruff?
Goff!
- She's new, and she's sounds...
- Petrified?
Should be, you're scary!
Only to you. Real clients
think I'm a pussycat.
Stay. Tonight.
It's tricky. If Bel comes
home and I'm not there...
You said she's at her dad's.
- Can't we chance it?
- Soon.
Promise.
Go work your magic
on Sheila Gruff.
You can do this, Bel.
You can do it.
Hi.
I'm Sheila.
Great to meet you.
Leanne and I don't have kids.
_
One of the benefits of that is not
having to deal with shit like this.
Sorry. Didn't know
where else to go.
- These will look good for work.
- What, three grand a month good?
- What does your mother say?
- She won't help me.
She's into that tough love shit.
So you came to me for bailout.
It's not my first game.
Look.
I'll do whatever you
want, even though...
What?
- Lorelei's a mate.
- I feel like I've stitched her up.
For the guy of her dreams.
If I'd not come looking for you,
would any of this have happened?
All of it.
Always the plan.
You just came along
at the right time.
Just keep doing
what you're doing.
Then we can all get a result.
Is it Sheila?
Hi! Great to meet you.
You're so...
Fit.
Oh!
- That's my job.
- No, I mean you're
so, erm, how could I
even begin to...?
- What?
- Compare.
It's not a competition.
I'm here to help you be
the best version of you.
What if there is
no best version?
There will be. And I promise
you we'll find her.
Sorry, I don't think
I can do this.
Sheila?
Would it surprise you to hear I
know exactly how you're feeling?
Yeah, it would surprise me.
Give me a chance.
Please.
Hey! Ha-ha, great.
All my life I wait for
a woman like you.
You are my soulmate, my
little northern soulmate.
So you keep saying.
Just keep practising.
I want to win this competition.
If Mum had a soulmate, would I
still have to be a pageant queen?
Hello-o!
Talk to me.
Snore!
- When can you?
- When you're 30.
When can you be a proper nan?
When you stop confusing me.
- With what?
- Someone who gives a shit.
Be proactive and take
ownership of our roles.
In other words,
take turns opening
up while she gets to
loz about in bed.
Which, by the way,
she has plenty of time for now
the brats have left home.
Which, by the way,
is good riddance.
Thank you, teddy bear.
- For what, baby bear?
- Respecting my choice not to breed.
It takes guts to make a stand
against overpopulation.
Plus, who needs stretch marks and
tits down to the floor when you can
have toned abs and
a tight Virginia?
You said it!
So, you said on the phone you're
a teacher, married,
three grown-up kids.
Your husband's a chef, you
have a fat cat called Tinker
and it's been 20 years since
you did any exercise.
Anything else?
Sorry, what?
To add.
I just can't think straight.
Don't worry. Getting fit
after a long lay-off,
everyone finds it daunting.
But you're here. You
did the hard bit.
What finally pushed
you over the edge?
Suppose I just had enough.
Feeling under par.
Not in control.
Sheila, what if I told you the
person who was 100% on it 100% of
- the time doesn't exist?
- You exist.
Tell you what, let's
take this really slowly.
Shall we try a little warm-up?
Far be it from me
to be negative,
but this place is on a one-way
ticket to Doomsville.
That Bel says bookings are up.
Hello? Yes, because she's done
a shedload of deals to
bribe new clients in.
AKA promotions.
AKA idle curiosity.
Which won't last,
once people get
wind of the fact that
nothing's changed.
Except for a total refurb.
Except, where's the
new technology?
- Why have we not invested?
- With what?
Well, if madam can afford
to offer staff bonuses...
Well, maybe if you'd have offered
some we wouldn't be up Dog Doo Alley
without a scoop!
No, trust me.
Before the end of the month we
will be haemorrhaging clients.
- How?
- Just a feeling I have.
Oh, lovely, that.
Yeah.
Ooh, snow alert.
Dreary Dayna! Hiya!
Dayna, how are we?!
Oh, dear, don't we look tired?
Three, two, one, yes!
We're done. You survived.
- Now we know what we're up against.
- Do we?
Oh, yeah. That's the point of this
session, see if we can work together.
Hopefully you can see
I'm not a monster.
How much do I owe you?
It's a taster session.
No charge. Sheila, honestly,
I think we can get you
to where you want to be.
So I hope you'll
come back for more.
I know what you're thinking.
- What?
- You hate the refurb.
Gaudy, tacky.
- Dodgy colours.
- Oh, no, it's...
It's the special offers.
Mm. Yeah, they lower the tone, make
you feel ever so slightly cheap.
Oh, no, I think
they're a great idea.
Mm.
It's the treatments, right?
They're dated.
There's no variety.
You're probably thinking
of going elsewhere.
Oh, well...
Hello!
Rock alert!
Who's the mug?
- Oh, he's, erm...
- Mr Shrinking Violet!
Why have we never met him?
Has he got three heads?
No, he's just...
Well, bring him in. We'll vet him,
make sure he's up to scratch.
Right, then, Dana, shall
we say a little prayer?
- Sorry?
- Your face is now in our hands.
Time, time, time.
What the hell are
you doing, lad?
Guard down, head down.
Back foot dragging
like a rat-arsed slug.
Come on, you're wasting your
time, you're wasting my time.
Don't come back till
you're ready to work.
Alfie, you get in,
lad, have a go.
- How was it?
- I'm never going back there again.
So, Prince Charming's got
a big works do next week.
- Lovely, that.
- And there will be photographs,
so I just want to make
sure that I don't...
You don't let him down.
It's easily done.
So, what would you recommend?
- Botox.
- Renuvaline.
- GlycoPeel.
- High-Def brows.
LVL lashes.
- Spray tan.
- Full body wax.
- PDO thread lift.
- Collagen stimulation.
So, basically, everything?
Oh, erm, that pep
talk you gave us.
- Which?
- Be proactive, take ownership.
The cunning plan to make
Leanne feel more involved,
to stop her wreaking havoc.
- Yeah.
- Didn't work.
Goodness. What's happened here?
Well, she signed a disclaimer.
It does say there might be
bruising and puncture wounds.
Er, yeah.
Would you excuse us?
Why?
I'll book you in
for a Renuvaline.
Brows, lashes and laser lipo.
These...
These treatments, they're
not for the faint-hearted.
Perhaps you should wait before
you get anything else done.
No, I can't, it's urgent.
It's my fiance, it's
his job, you see.
He gets a lot of attention.
And like your sister said,
he could have his pick.
And he picked you.
Yeah, but now I really
need to up my game,
because otherwise...
He'll find a better model.
- Wow.
- Are guys seriously that shallow?
Yeah.
Do I need a makeover?
- Well, obvi.
- Can't hurt.
- Why?
- It's just a thought.
I mean, the salon's had one, and
in the spirit of talk the talk,
walk the walk...
Go for it, boss.
No!
Ow!
Tell her she looks gorgeous.
Least I still recognise her.
Every time you have work I think
the clinic's sent back
the wrong person.
Go on!
Right. Pageant practice.
- Oh, Mum!
- Now!
She'll thank me when she's
crowned Miss Junior Rosebud UK.
Bel?
You look gorgeous.
Anyone at home?
I've just come to
grab some clothes.
Hey, sweetheart!
I didn't know you'd be back.
Why have you left Dad?
What?
Why have you moved in with Chizz
and left Dad to fend for himself?
I think you'll find that your dad's
quite capable of looking after...
Mum... What the F?
Caterpillars, Fake
Bake, a skirt!
What's going on?!
- Fancied a change.
- But you never change.
Oh, my God. Don't tell me.
Oh, shit the bed, Mum,
I know what this is!
What?
- You're having an affair!
- What?!
Why would you think that?
Oh, my God, you SO are!
How could you do this?
Dad... trusts you.
WE trust you!
It's just...
How old are you? Look
in the mirror - cringe!
Mum, I...
I can't even look at you.
Bel, what is it?
You've not heard?
Someone's having an affair.
Who told you...?
See?
- How does she know?
- No idea, but according to her,
I'm cheating on you.
Jesus Christ.
That's crazy. Why
would she even...?
Because of this. The brows, the
skirt and, yeah, I look like shit.
I'm mutton, lamb, pathetic.
- It's not pathetic.
- It is, actually.
I wanted to do
something different.
And it didn't work.
She had every right.
No, she didn't.
She's well offside.
She's 19, it's her first term at
uni, she's trying to find her feet.
She comes home and her
mum's like a tangerine.
It'll fade.
Glass of vino?
Come on. I think
you've earned it.
I look ridiculous!
We all need a little
citrus in our life.
So, no-one's arsed, then,
that Mum's having an affair.
- Excuse me?
- She'd never do that.
Wouldn't she? Ask her.
I asked her.
Deny it? Did she hell.
I think before you
jump to conclusions...
How can you not see the signs?
Make-up, tan, ludicrous outfit.
It's classic. Moves out, gets a
makeover, starts dressing like a ho...
Do you mind? That's my skirt!
- Lex, I seriously doubt...
- Guys! What's wrong with you?
Are you really that senile you
can't see what's going on?
OK. Guys, this stops right here.
We are not going to dignify this
piffle by taking it seriously.
Yeah, agreed.
So, done.
So you don't think there's
the least chance Bel...?
Teddy Bear. An affair
requires two people.
Mm? Like anyone without a
guide dog would fancy Bel.
♪ Better get yourself
on the right track ♪
♪ Because finding a good man ♪
♪ Is like finding a
needle in a haystack. ♪
Where did that go?
Hey, where does any of it go?
Turn around, blink, you miss it,
kids grow up, life moves on,
what happened? Where are you?
What are you?
And welcome to the magical
world of Wesley Finch talks
broken biscuits.
- He does.
- So, Wesley,
when did you first fall for
the beautiful and talented
Isabel Reagan?
Was it when she put me in a
liplock on Swinton Fields?
Or was it when your best mate
Ted gave her a Christmas kiss?
Not that I'm competitive.
- Who was best?
- The kisser?
Hmmm, that is tricky.
Oh, come on, no contest!
- Prove it.
- Peasy.
Hmm.
Mm!
Oh, yeah. It's getting there.
♪ At last my dream's come true ♪
♪ Today he said I do ♪
♪ Friends said it
couldn't be done ♪
♪ But all his love,
I know I've won ♪
♪ Cos third finger, left hand ♪
♪ That's where he placed
the wedding band. ♪
Six years you've been together?
How did we not know this?
Oh, he's a very private person.
- Thank you.
- What does he do?
Just... something in sport.
Lovely, that.
And he likes it?
He used to, but now there's
just so much pressure.
And you don't want to add to it.
No, that's it, I really don't.
Any thoughts about
different salons?
Not really.
I recommend Shameem's.
It's in Alderley Edge. State of the
art, all the latest techniques.
The thing is, I
really like it here.
But we only do a fraction
of what they offer.
Plus, what if I told you we
might soon have to close?
What can I say? Bel
Finch kicks ass!
I knew if I let it play out
he'd come to his senses.
Uh-huh?
So, I take it you'll
be moving back home?
Do you mind?
I'll survive. Besides, it's
the dance-off tomorrow.
- Once that's over...
- Curtains for Hector.
Yeah.
You know the routine.
Right, lads, you fit?
I know she's my sister.
And I love her to bits
but, between you and me, she's
a bit behind the times.
And if we can't provide
what you need,
I think for your sake
and your fiance's...
..you should go elsewhere.
- Hi!
- Whoa!
So the rumours are true.
There's a new girl in town.
- Do you like her?
- I quite liked the old one.
- What's it all about?
- Wouldn't you like to know?
Guess who just lost us a client?
- Why would you do that?
- Hello?
Customer service.
Put the client first.
By sending them elsewhere?
I know this might be hard to
hear, but since you took over,
she really thinks things
have gone downhill.
- And what do you think?
- Is it my job to think?
It's your job to support
the family business.
- Says who?
- Do you actually want us to succeed?
Since when was it "us"?
Since when was it anything except
the Bel Finch Me-Me-Me Show?
Know it all, have it all...
What the hell are you on about?
You really don't have a clue.
Honestly?
- I really don't.
- Don't you turn your back on me!
Don't you even dare!
I will not be ignored.
And it's Lingard to Mata.
Mata to Rashford. Rashford
beats one, and...
♪ Some day my prince will come ♪
♪ Some day I'll find my love ♪
♪ And how thrilling
that moment will be ♪
♪ When the Prince of my
dreams comes to me ♪
♪ He'll whisper "I love you" ♪
♪ And steal a kiss or two ♪
♪ Though he's far away ♪
♪ I'll find my love some day ♪
♪ Some day when my
dreams come true. ♪
Well done!
What is it?
Last night...
..I slept with my wife.
It was only the once.
I don't really know
how it happened.
How did it happen?
So, I just felt, after she'd
gone to all that effort...
It would be rude not to.
Kind of.
Look, I feel bad for her.
And guilty?
Cheating on her with me.
- Of course.
- Then you still love her.
I just... I don't want
to rock the boat.
She's got masses on her plate.
And you and I, we're not totally
sure where this is going.
It's already gone where I
never wanted it to go.
I'm a nice person.
I don't know how I've ended
up as the bit on the side.
That's not what you are to me.
Isn't it?
You pick me up, drop me, bang me
and then leg it back to your wife.
Is this cos I won't
stay the night?
You won't stay the night because
you don't really give a shit.
It's not true.
- Not true.
- Then stay with me.
Your wife's still at her dad's.
She'll never know.
OK.
I'll stay.
♪ Heaven in your arms ♪
♪ It's the sweetness
of your charms ♪
♪ Makes me love you
more each day ♪
♪ In your arms I want to stay. ♪
And after we win tonight, how about
we enter the national heats?
- We could go all the way.
- We'll see.
♪ Tonight with you
for the first time ♪
♪ I have learned what
my lips are... ♪
Hop it, Fido. Get
to your basket.
Ugh!
Oh!
Did you ever let your kids
do stuff that they want?
Never knew what they wanted.
- Didn't they tell you?
- Couldn't be arsed listening.
Christ almighty.
Could you telegraph that more?
Stevie Wonder seen that coming.
No, no, no, no, no.
Timing. It's all about timing.
He didn't come home.
I've played it all wrong.
Sheila Grove calling.
Tell her I'll ring her back.
Hello, Sheila.
Hello, Sheila. Are
you there, love?
Bastard.
I'm not having this.
_
Confidentially, what
really alarms me,
my sister's started
using cheapo products.
Oh, yeah, so our clients aren't getting
the same level of service now.
Do you think that's fair?
If I'm honest, I think you should feel
free to take your custom elsewhere.
No, I'd do exactly the same.
Dana.
- You're back again.
- Can I...
Can I speak to Bel, please?
Shameem's is scary.
Everyone's so shiny and
smooth and just perfect.
And they're all looking at
me like, "Who's this freak?"
So, I came back to
you, because...
We're all freaks here?
No, no, you're just...
You're not stressed about it.
- I mean, look at you.
- Me?
You got lines and wrinkles,
but you're not fussed.
And you wear what you like
and you do what you want.
It's more about
confidence, isn't it?
It is about confidence.
Of course, you'd have to ask
who you're doing it for.
You know what? Let's
sack the fillers.
We'll give you a simple
skin brightening peel,
which freshens you up, but
leaves you looking like you.
- OK.
- And if your fiance isn't happy...
Then he won't be my
fiance much longer.
Ted, my head's gone AWOL.
I slept with Bel.
And I just thought,
what am I doing playing away?
I love my wife.
What was I thinking?
Ted.
Yeah, sorry, mate, lost
you there for a second.
Let me buy you a pint.
What the hell's Ma
done to herself?
Ah, you spoke to your sis.
Look, there is absolutely no
proof that she's up to no good.
OK, Mr Dog With Two Dicks.
- How did it happen?
- Ted, if I knew that...
It's like I'm two
different people.
Away from her, I'm steady,
middle-aged family man Wes.
And then I see her again
and my head goes woof.
But if you had to choose...
..now.
Could go either way.
- Seriously?
- Lorelei...
She makes me feel
20, and that's...
It's intoxicating.
No, I mean, in the end,
it's got to be Bel, right?
Always.
- Pint?
- Cheers.
Dante, plan B.
I think you should end it.
He's just stringing you along.
- He did stay the night.
- What has he promised you?
- Yeah, nothing.
- Nothing.
- I know I should end it, I just...
- Don't know if you want to.
But if I did, I'd want
to make it easy on her.
It's fair enough.
What if she ended it?
- Why would she?
- What is she, 27?
29.
That age?
It's all about image.
Selfies, Instagram,
style, taste.
Show her you've got none,
- she'll run a mile.
- Really?
- Trust me.
- Right, so I'll end it.
Absolutely.
- Unless...
- What?
He ups his game?
- How?
- Makes some radical gesture,
which proves he's planning
a future with you.
- What sort of gesture?
- And this is...
The ultimate turn-off.
Here you go. Still
you, but brighter.
I like it. It gives me a glow.
Oh, my God.
Look who it is.
- Who?
- ♪♪♪
Blues just signed him.
This can't be happening.
Yeah, it can.
They're wadded.
He's early. I told him
not to come before 12.
- Why are you hiding?
- He's never seen me without make up.
What, even in bed?
No, I get up, I put my make-up on
at five, and when he wakes up,
he thinks that's what I look like,
but I don't - I look like this.
Help me.
Can I help you?
Yes, I've come to collect
my fiancee, Dana Gifford.
Yeah, of course. Dana.
She seems to have disappeared.
Heidi, could you see if
you could locate Dana?
- Heidi...
- Hi, Leon.
Er, hello.
Is Dana around?
Heidi, could you
check the cubicles?
Heidi...
You bastard.
- Who?
- Arsehole.
- The Leon guy?
- That's him.
- Who?
- Oh, the one-night stand.
Don't call it that.
The very short liaison that
resulted in your offspring, Disney?
Did you see the way
he looked at me?
Well, he hadn't got
a clue who you are.
Why would he do that?
- Baby, what's up?
- She was feeling a bit faint,
so I told her to get
close to the floor.
What?
If she's coming down with something,
you don't want to catch it.
OK, well, baby, let's get you home.
Yeah?
Yeah, so, now you know.
- This is me.
- Yes.
- Without make-up.
- And?
Well, obviously
you're horrified.
Mr Kawasaki... Leon, sorry.
Can I say what a lucky girl
Dana is to be your fiancee?
And now we all want to make
her look her best for you.
I will personally guarantee
to get her paparazzi-ready
by agreeing to be her
personal make-up artist.
Is that what she wants?
I think we can all agree
it's what she needs.
You want this?
No. No, I don't...
I don't want any of it.
Getting judged and slagged off.
"Oh, my God, he could
so do better."
"Have you seen those eye bags
and the size of that arse?"
I'm not a lingerie
model, I'm a...
I'm a dental nurse.
You are right, I am horrified...
That you think so little of me.
That you care so much
what other think.
Don't you care
what others think?
I care what you think.
He picked that
when he could've had me.
Well, he did have you.
For five minutes in
the back of a Beetle,
after you flashed your
foof at him in Suede.
What is she doing?
Sign this for us, please?
- Oh, it's a pleasure.
- I'm a footballer.
- Where do you play?
- Upfront.
Oh, that's a tough place to be.
- It's in the blood. Because of my dad.
- What, he plays football?
Used to, don't know
if he still does.
- Never met him.
- Oh, that's a shame.
He don't care.
Hey, he doesn't know
what he's missing, OK?
- Can I have a photo?
- Of course you can.
Come on, let's go.
- Cheese!
- Cheese!
What did you think would happen?
That he'd feel the same,
that he'd come looking for me
and I would tell him about Diz
and he'd say we
should be together.
It was one night.
Five minutes.
But it meant the world to me.
Have you got any
idea what it's like?
To believe in something...
..to have absolute faith...
..and then find out everything
you thought was real...
..was a bazzin' great lie?
Could I borrow your sat-nav?
Mine's bust. I was going to
get a new one at the weekend.
- Yeah, sure.
- Cheers.
Got your message.
What's up?
Sweet.
Her car's here.
Shit.
Right, where is she?
And who's she with?
Come on.
_
Snapchatting the boyfriend?
- How did you guess?
- Well, I've got teenage kids.
So how are we?
I'm really glad you
decided to come back.
At my age you need all
the help you can get.
Shall we stretch?
My hub thinks I'm a lost cause.
Childhood sweethearts, see?
Thinks he knows me inside out.
Cheek of it!
How about you? You
been together long?
Oh, no, not really.
We're actually quite new.
Are you the marrying kind?
I guess so.
- Is he?
- Well...
What, he's asked you?
That'd be a bit premature.
Because he's cautious?
No. Cos he's married already.
- Oh.
- Which I feel totally bad about.
I've never in my life
gone after a married man.
I didn't go after this one.
I didn't know he was
married until after we...
Well, presumably the
marriage is over.
I thought so. Then he went
and slept with his wife.
- Mum wears glasses?
- And trackies?
He admitted it?
He said it was just the once.
She'd made a real effort and he
felt so bad for her he just...
Poked her out of pity?
Wow.
Is he going to leave her?
He says so, but he wants
to let her down gently.
- Oh, that's kind of him.
- He is kind.
He doesn't want to hurt
her any more than I do.
And, obviously, if I thought there
was anything still between them...
- But there isn't?
- If he's saying he wants to be with me?
But he's going to have to
make some real commitment.
Because it's a big concession,
me agreeing to forgive him
after he'd slept with her.
- Does she have a name?
- I don't want to think about her.
If I do, she's real.
So Mum wants to get fit and she don't
want you guys takin' the piss.
I don't blame her.
Ted, you said satin, right?
Fibre-optic?
Total turn-off, yeah?
Right.
- Are you DG?
- Are you Manc Gold?
Hi.
Yeah, I'll be right there.
- Watch it!
- Sorry.
Right, what have you found out?
Four, three, two, one.
Way to go, Sheila! You looked like
you wanted to murder those pads.
I was picturing someone's head.
Motivation is the key.
And I think you'll agree,
these sessions are already
starting to pay dividends.
- I should go.
- Shall I book you in for next week?
I have to go.
I really think we can
take this further.
If I were her, I'd be mega jel.
Of me.
Most people are, babe.
♪ Just holding my pillow tight ♪
♪ Then you came into
my lonely days ♪
♪ With a tender love
and sweet ways ♪
♪ Now I don't know where
you come from, baby ♪
♪ Don't know where you've
been to, baby... ♪
- Here you go.
- Ta.
♪ Heaven must have sent you ♪
♪ Into my arms ♪
♪ Now in the morning
when I awake ♪
♪ There's a smile
upon my face... ♪
No Wes?
Perhaps he's come to his
senses and done one.
Two tickets to the
Clitheroe Antiques Fair
and a weekend at the
Smuggler's Elbow, Prestatyn.
How gutting must it be, eh?
Knowing Wes only married her
because he couldn't have me?
- Gutting.
- Perhaps I should clone myself.
Perhaps you should.
Least then he'd have a
shoulder to cry on.
Yes! Oh, yes!
To all of it.
Can I ask you something?
Are you cheating on Wes?
God, Ted.
If you only knew...
Of course I'm not.
You have no idea how
much that means to me.
What is it? Why are you...?
If I tell you, do you promise not
to breathe a word to anyone?
Of course.
Leanne's cheating on me.
- Oh.
- Hello.
Remember the tenth commandment -
thou shalt not covet thy
sister's piece of ass?
So that's the results
of the heats.
So now, without further ado,
let's kick off with the final
of the over-50s section!
- She loved it.
- Even Prestatyn?
Even the fibre-optic rose bush!
So now what?
Guess she's going nowhere
for the time being.
Don't tell me you're not
just a little bit chuffed?
- Drink?
- Half.
- You remembered.
- Why wouldn't I?
Well, aren't you the better man
turning up to support the family?
Least some of us appreciate you.
Give that man an Oscar!
Is that how it's done?
Play away, delete conscience?
- Ask your ma.
- I'm asking you.
It's been a while now.
As far as I remember,
it's all about boxes.
Pack away your finer feelings and
let the beast come out to play.
Once upon a time, he
wouldn't have gone near her.
Has he now?
Close, but no cigar.
What can I do?
I don't want advice, I don't want
questions, I don't want anything...
..except for you to listen.
I'm hoping it's a
flash in the pan,
that she'll come to her senses and
realise what she's throwing away.
I don't want to say
anything now...
..because I don't want
to make her choose.
Because if she chooses now,
I think she'll choose him.
So all I'm asking is for you to
be there, whenever I need you.
Can you do that for me?
Of course, Ted.
Any time.
You were brilliant. Beautiful!
Thank you, thanks a lot.
Thank you, thanks a lot.
Mum, Mum, smile!
Yay!
Let me in.
That's your lot, amigo.
Ta for the work-out.
I don't understand.
Adios?
But you are my little
northern soulmate.
Keep the faith, cock.
Let's go home.
Nobody warn you? She
always comes home.
Good back-flips, though.
So you're back now?
That a problem?
Not for me.
- Glass?
- I'm up early.
Sleep well.
And you.
Nice to see you without
all that slap on.
What was I thinking? That
I wasn't thin, smooth,
buffed and fluffed
enough for him?
- Screw him.
- Screw them both.
Hi, this is Lorelei Bailey, PT.
Please leave me a message.
Hi there, it's Sheila.
Coming back for more.
I'll try again later.
You do know you're
playing with fire?
What I know is, I'm going
to make them wish that
they'd never set
eyes on each other.
Everything's going
according to plan.
Cheers, Daddy-O.
What did we agree?
That I shouldn't call you that?
Mm.
Sweet, though, having
someone say it.
When you couldn't have
kids with your wife?
Not couldn't, didn't.
Never wanted one with her...
..and luckily she's so vain it
never took much to convince her
not to wreck her figure.
I had the snip.
- Get out!
- Mm.
I would've had it reversed
if I'd got with Bel.
But now it's too late.
Still, small price to pay
if I get her in the end.
Has it always been her?
Nobody's even come close.
But you married her sister.
How else could I
stay in her life?
You find the one, you
don't just give up
because they marry someone else.
You bide your time.
And when that day comes...
Has the day come?
She's right on the edge.
All she needs is a little push.
♪ Don't want us to be over ♪
♪ Don't want us to
be over, please ♪
♪ Time goes slow-mo ♪
♪ Don't want us to be over ♪
♪ Don't want us to be over. ♪
- Back and kicking ass.
Back and answerable to me.
"Fancy helping out in the salon?"
For no money and zero thanks.
Bel's going to helping
us out from now on.
Dogsbody work. It's a
personal affront to me.
It suggests that I was
useless and she's better.
Loser.
Lorelei.
Wesley. Client in town,
we're doing a deal.
But you don't get
enough exercise.
Dante, it's over.
- She don't do married men.
- Sort it.
Why would you want your best mate
to cheat on your other best mate?
She's the woman I would have married
if he hadn't got there first.
Hi, I'd like to book
a taster session.
Mirror, mirror on the wall...
Who's the fairest of them all?
Age before beauty.
Pearls before swine.
Handsome Prince Charming.
Will you be mine?
♪ Well, well, I once believed ♪
♪ All fellas were nice ♪
♪ But, girls, listen to me ♪
♪ Take my advice ♪
♪ Girls, you better
get yourselves ♪
♪ On the right track ♪
♪ Cos finding a
good man, girls ♪
♪ Is like finding a
needle in a haystack ♪
- ♪ What did I say, girls? ♪
- ♪ Needle in a haystack ♪
♪ Shoo doo ♪
♪ Shoo doo wa dah ♪
♪ Shoo doo ♪
♪ Shoo doo wa dah ♪
♪ Girls, those fellas are
sly, slick and shy, yeah ♪
♪ So don't you ever let them
catch you looking starry-eyed ♪
♪ They'll tell you that
their love is true ♪
♪ And they'll walk
right over you ♪
♪ Now, girls, you'd better
know these things ♪
♪ Right off the bat ♪
♪ Cos finding a
good man, girls ♪
♪ Is like finding a
needle in a haystack ♪
♪ What did I say, girls? ♪
♪ Needle in a haystack... ♪
You couldn't, like,
use a nose or a wig?
I could probably use
me 'ead tested,
but what I've got is a
pay-as-you-go phone, fake ID,
so say hello to...
Sheila Gruff?
Goff!
- She's new, and she's sounds...
- Petrified?
Should be, you're scary!
Only to you. Real clients
think I'm a pussycat.
Stay. Tonight.
It's tricky. If Bel comes
home and I'm not there...
You said she's at her dad's.
- Can't we chance it?
- Soon.
Promise.
Go work your magic
on Sheila Gruff.
You can do this, Bel.
You can do it.
Hi.
I'm Sheila.
Great to meet you.
Leanne and I don't have kids.
_
One of the benefits of that is not
having to deal with shit like this.
Sorry. Didn't know
where else to go.
- These will look good for work.
- What, three grand a month good?
- What does your mother say?
- She won't help me.
She's into that tough love shit.
So you came to me for bailout.
It's not my first game.
Look.
I'll do whatever you
want, even though...
What?
- Lorelei's a mate.
- I feel like I've stitched her up.
For the guy of her dreams.
If I'd not come looking for you,
would any of this have happened?
All of it.
Always the plan.
You just came along
at the right time.
Just keep doing
what you're doing.
Then we can all get a result.
Is it Sheila?
Hi! Great to meet you.
You're so...
Fit.
Oh!
- That's my job.
- No, I mean you're
so, erm, how could I
even begin to...?
- What?
- Compare.
It's not a competition.
I'm here to help you be
the best version of you.
What if there is
no best version?
There will be. And I promise
you we'll find her.
Sorry, I don't think
I can do this.
Sheila?
Would it surprise you to hear I
know exactly how you're feeling?
Yeah, it would surprise me.
Give me a chance.
Please.
Hey! Ha-ha, great.
All my life I wait for
a woman like you.
You are my soulmate, my
little northern soulmate.
So you keep saying.
Just keep practising.
I want to win this competition.
If Mum had a soulmate, would I
still have to be a pageant queen?
Hello-o!
Talk to me.
Snore!
- When can you?
- When you're 30.
When can you be a proper nan?
When you stop confusing me.
- With what?
- Someone who gives a shit.
Be proactive and take
ownership of our roles.
In other words,
take turns opening
up while she gets to
loz about in bed.
Which, by the way,
she has plenty of time for now
the brats have left home.
Which, by the way,
is good riddance.
Thank you, teddy bear.
- For what, baby bear?
- Respecting my choice not to breed.
It takes guts to make a stand
against overpopulation.
Plus, who needs stretch marks and
tits down to the floor when you can
have toned abs and
a tight Virginia?
You said it!
So, you said on the phone you're
a teacher, married,
three grown-up kids.
Your husband's a chef, you
have a fat cat called Tinker
and it's been 20 years since
you did any exercise.
Anything else?
Sorry, what?
To add.
I just can't think straight.
Don't worry. Getting fit
after a long lay-off,
everyone finds it daunting.
But you're here. You
did the hard bit.
What finally pushed
you over the edge?
Suppose I just had enough.
Feeling under par.
Not in control.
Sheila, what if I told you the
person who was 100% on it 100% of
- the time doesn't exist?
- You exist.
Tell you what, let's
take this really slowly.
Shall we try a little warm-up?
Far be it from me
to be negative,
but this place is on a one-way
ticket to Doomsville.
That Bel says bookings are up.
Hello? Yes, because she's done
a shedload of deals to
bribe new clients in.
AKA promotions.
AKA idle curiosity.
Which won't last,
once people get
wind of the fact that
nothing's changed.
Except for a total refurb.
Except, where's the
new technology?
- Why have we not invested?
- With what?
Well, if madam can afford
to offer staff bonuses...
Well, maybe if you'd have offered
some we wouldn't be up Dog Doo Alley
without a scoop!
No, trust me.
Before the end of the month we
will be haemorrhaging clients.
- How?
- Just a feeling I have.
Oh, lovely, that.
Yeah.
Ooh, snow alert.
Dreary Dayna! Hiya!
Dayna, how are we?!
Oh, dear, don't we look tired?
Three, two, one, yes!
We're done. You survived.
- Now we know what we're up against.
- Do we?
Oh, yeah. That's the point of this
session, see if we can work together.
Hopefully you can see
I'm not a monster.
How much do I owe you?
It's a taster session.
No charge. Sheila, honestly,
I think we can get you
to where you want to be.
So I hope you'll
come back for more.
I know what you're thinking.
- What?
- You hate the refurb.
Gaudy, tacky.
- Dodgy colours.
- Oh, no, it's...
It's the special offers.
Mm. Yeah, they lower the tone, make
you feel ever so slightly cheap.
Oh, no, I think
they're a great idea.
Mm.
It's the treatments, right?
They're dated.
There's no variety.
You're probably thinking
of going elsewhere.
Oh, well...
Hello!
Rock alert!
Who's the mug?
- Oh, he's, erm...
- Mr Shrinking Violet!
Why have we never met him?
Has he got three heads?
No, he's just...
Well, bring him in. We'll vet him,
make sure he's up to scratch.
Right, then, Dana, shall
we say a little prayer?
- Sorry?
- Your face is now in our hands.
Time, time, time.
What the hell are
you doing, lad?
Guard down, head down.
Back foot dragging
like a rat-arsed slug.
Come on, you're wasting your
time, you're wasting my time.
Don't come back till
you're ready to work.
Alfie, you get in,
lad, have a go.
- How was it?
- I'm never going back there again.
So, Prince Charming's got
a big works do next week.
- Lovely, that.
- And there will be photographs,
so I just want to make
sure that I don't...
You don't let him down.
It's easily done.
So, what would you recommend?
- Botox.
- Renuvaline.
- GlycoPeel.
- High-Def brows.
LVL lashes.
- Spray tan.
- Full body wax.
- PDO thread lift.
- Collagen stimulation.
So, basically, everything?
Oh, erm, that pep
talk you gave us.
- Which?
- Be proactive, take ownership.
The cunning plan to make
Leanne feel more involved,
to stop her wreaking havoc.
- Yeah.
- Didn't work.
Goodness. What's happened here?
Well, she signed a disclaimer.
It does say there might be
bruising and puncture wounds.
Er, yeah.
Would you excuse us?
Why?
I'll book you in
for a Renuvaline.
Brows, lashes and laser lipo.
These...
These treatments, they're
not for the faint-hearted.
Perhaps you should wait before
you get anything else done.
No, I can't, it's urgent.
It's my fiance, it's
his job, you see.
He gets a lot of attention.
And like your sister said,
he could have his pick.
And he picked you.
Yeah, but now I really
need to up my game,
because otherwise...
He'll find a better model.
- Wow.
- Are guys seriously that shallow?
Yeah.
Do I need a makeover?
- Well, obvi.
- Can't hurt.
- Why?
- It's just a thought.
I mean, the salon's had one, and
in the spirit of talk the talk,
walk the walk...
Go for it, boss.
No!
Ow!
Tell her she looks gorgeous.
Least I still recognise her.
Every time you have work I think
the clinic's sent back
the wrong person.
Go on!
Right. Pageant practice.
- Oh, Mum!
- Now!
She'll thank me when she's
crowned Miss Junior Rosebud UK.
Bel?
You look gorgeous.
Anyone at home?
I've just come to
grab some clothes.
Hey, sweetheart!
I didn't know you'd be back.
Why have you left Dad?
What?
Why have you moved in with Chizz
and left Dad to fend for himself?
I think you'll find that your dad's
quite capable of looking after...
Mum... What the F?
Caterpillars, Fake
Bake, a skirt!
What's going on?!
- Fancied a change.
- But you never change.
Oh, my God. Don't tell me.
Oh, shit the bed, Mum,
I know what this is!
What?
- You're having an affair!
- What?!
Why would you think that?
Oh, my God, you SO are!
How could you do this?
Dad... trusts you.
WE trust you!
It's just...
How old are you? Look
in the mirror - cringe!
Mum, I...
I can't even look at you.
Bel, what is it?
You've not heard?
Someone's having an affair.
Who told you...?
See?
- How does she know?
- No idea, but according to her,
I'm cheating on you.
Jesus Christ.
That's crazy. Why
would she even...?
Because of this. The brows, the
skirt and, yeah, I look like shit.
I'm mutton, lamb, pathetic.
- It's not pathetic.
- It is, actually.
I wanted to do
something different.
And it didn't work.
She had every right.
No, she didn't.
She's well offside.
She's 19, it's her first term at
uni, she's trying to find her feet.
She comes home and her
mum's like a tangerine.
It'll fade.
Glass of vino?
Come on. I think
you've earned it.
I look ridiculous!
We all need a little
citrus in our life.
So, no-one's arsed, then,
that Mum's having an affair.
- Excuse me?
- She'd never do that.
Wouldn't she? Ask her.
I asked her.
Deny it? Did she hell.
I think before you
jump to conclusions...
How can you not see the signs?
Make-up, tan, ludicrous outfit.
It's classic. Moves out, gets a
makeover, starts dressing like a ho...
Do you mind? That's my skirt!
- Lex, I seriously doubt...
- Guys! What's wrong with you?
Are you really that senile you
can't see what's going on?
OK. Guys, this stops right here.
We are not going to dignify this
piffle by taking it seriously.
Yeah, agreed.
So, done.
So you don't think there's
the least chance Bel...?
Teddy Bear. An affair
requires two people.
Mm? Like anyone without a
guide dog would fancy Bel.
♪ Better get yourself
on the right track ♪
♪ Because finding a good man ♪
♪ Is like finding a
needle in a haystack. ♪
Where did that go?
Hey, where does any of it go?
Turn around, blink, you miss it,
kids grow up, life moves on,
what happened? Where are you?
What are you?
And welcome to the magical
world of Wesley Finch talks
broken biscuits.
- He does.
- So, Wesley,
when did you first fall for
the beautiful and talented
Isabel Reagan?
Was it when she put me in a
liplock on Swinton Fields?
Or was it when your best mate
Ted gave her a Christmas kiss?
Not that I'm competitive.
- Who was best?
- The kisser?
Hmmm, that is tricky.
Oh, come on, no contest!
- Prove it.
- Peasy.
Hmm.
Mm!
Oh, yeah. It's getting there.
♪ At last my dream's come true ♪
♪ Today he said I do ♪
♪ Friends said it
couldn't be done ♪
♪ But all his love,
I know I've won ♪
♪ Cos third finger, left hand ♪
♪ That's where he placed
the wedding band. ♪
Six years you've been together?
How did we not know this?
Oh, he's a very private person.
- Thank you.
- What does he do?
Just... something in sport.
Lovely, that.
And he likes it?
He used to, but now there's
just so much pressure.
And you don't want to add to it.
No, that's it, I really don't.
Any thoughts about
different salons?
Not really.
I recommend Shameem's.
It's in Alderley Edge. State of the
art, all the latest techniques.
The thing is, I
really like it here.
But we only do a fraction
of what they offer.
Plus, what if I told you we
might soon have to close?
What can I say? Bel
Finch kicks ass!
I knew if I let it play out
he'd come to his senses.
Uh-huh?
So, I take it you'll
be moving back home?
Do you mind?
I'll survive. Besides, it's
the dance-off tomorrow.
- Once that's over...
- Curtains for Hector.
Yeah.
You know the routine.
Right, lads, you fit?
I know she's my sister.
And I love her to bits
but, between you and me, she's
a bit behind the times.
And if we can't provide
what you need,
I think for your sake
and your fiance's...
..you should go elsewhere.
- Hi!
- Whoa!
So the rumours are true.
There's a new girl in town.
- Do you like her?
- I quite liked the old one.
- What's it all about?
- Wouldn't you like to know?
Guess who just lost us a client?
- Why would you do that?
- Hello?
Customer service.
Put the client first.
By sending them elsewhere?
I know this might be hard to
hear, but since you took over,
she really thinks things
have gone downhill.
- And what do you think?
- Is it my job to think?
It's your job to support
the family business.
- Says who?
- Do you actually want us to succeed?
Since when was it "us"?
Since when was it anything except
the Bel Finch Me-Me-Me Show?
Know it all, have it all...
What the hell are you on about?
You really don't have a clue.
Honestly?
- I really don't.
- Don't you turn your back on me!
Don't you even dare!
I will not be ignored.
And it's Lingard to Mata.
Mata to Rashford. Rashford
beats one, and...
♪ Some day my prince will come ♪
♪ Some day I'll find my love ♪
♪ And how thrilling
that moment will be ♪
♪ When the Prince of my
dreams comes to me ♪
♪ He'll whisper "I love you" ♪
♪ And steal a kiss or two ♪
♪ Though he's far away ♪
♪ I'll find my love some day ♪
♪ Some day when my
dreams come true. ♪
Well done!
What is it?
Last night...
..I slept with my wife.
It was only the once.
I don't really know
how it happened.
How did it happen?
So, I just felt, after she'd
gone to all that effort...
It would be rude not to.
Kind of.
Look, I feel bad for her.
And guilty?
Cheating on her with me.
- Of course.
- Then you still love her.
I just... I don't want
to rock the boat.
She's got masses on her plate.
And you and I, we're not totally
sure where this is going.
It's already gone where I
never wanted it to go.
I'm a nice person.
I don't know how I've ended
up as the bit on the side.
That's not what you are to me.
Isn't it?
You pick me up, drop me, bang me
and then leg it back to your wife.
Is this cos I won't
stay the night?
You won't stay the night because
you don't really give a shit.
It's not true.
- Not true.
- Then stay with me.
Your wife's still at her dad's.
She'll never know.
OK.
I'll stay.
♪ Heaven in your arms ♪
♪ It's the sweetness
of your charms ♪
♪ Makes me love you
more each day ♪
♪ In your arms I want to stay. ♪
And after we win tonight, how about
we enter the national heats?
- We could go all the way.
- We'll see.
♪ Tonight with you
for the first time ♪
♪ I have learned what
my lips are... ♪
Hop it, Fido. Get
to your basket.
Ugh!
Oh!
Did you ever let your kids
do stuff that they want?
Never knew what they wanted.
- Didn't they tell you?
- Couldn't be arsed listening.
Christ almighty.
Could you telegraph that more?
Stevie Wonder seen that coming.
No, no, no, no, no.
Timing. It's all about timing.
He didn't come home.
I've played it all wrong.
Sheila Grove calling.
Tell her I'll ring her back.
Hello, Sheila.
Hello, Sheila. Are
you there, love?
Bastard.
I'm not having this.
_
Confidentially, what
really alarms me,
my sister's started
using cheapo products.
Oh, yeah, so our clients aren't getting
the same level of service now.
Do you think that's fair?
If I'm honest, I think you should feel
free to take your custom elsewhere.
No, I'd do exactly the same.
Dana.
- You're back again.
- Can I...
Can I speak to Bel, please?
Shameem's is scary.
Everyone's so shiny and
smooth and just perfect.
And they're all looking at
me like, "Who's this freak?"
So, I came back to
you, because...
We're all freaks here?
No, no, you're just...
You're not stressed about it.
- I mean, look at you.
- Me?
You got lines and wrinkles,
but you're not fussed.
And you wear what you like
and you do what you want.
It's more about
confidence, isn't it?
It is about confidence.
Of course, you'd have to ask
who you're doing it for.
You know what? Let's
sack the fillers.
We'll give you a simple
skin brightening peel,
which freshens you up, but
leaves you looking like you.
- OK.
- And if your fiance isn't happy...
Then he won't be my
fiance much longer.
Ted, my head's gone AWOL.
I slept with Bel.
And I just thought,
what am I doing playing away?
I love my wife.
What was I thinking?
Ted.
Yeah, sorry, mate, lost
you there for a second.
Let me buy you a pint.
What the hell's Ma
done to herself?
Ah, you spoke to your sis.
Look, there is absolutely no
proof that she's up to no good.
OK, Mr Dog With Two Dicks.
- How did it happen?
- Ted, if I knew that...
It's like I'm two
different people.
Away from her, I'm steady,
middle-aged family man Wes.
And then I see her again
and my head goes woof.
But if you had to choose...
..now.
Could go either way.
- Seriously?
- Lorelei...
She makes me feel
20, and that's...
It's intoxicating.
No, I mean, in the end,
it's got to be Bel, right?
Always.
- Pint?
- Cheers.
Dante, plan B.
I think you should end it.
He's just stringing you along.
- He did stay the night.
- What has he promised you?
- Yeah, nothing.
- Nothing.
- I know I should end it, I just...
- Don't know if you want to.
But if I did, I'd want
to make it easy on her.
It's fair enough.
What if she ended it?
- Why would she?
- What is she, 27?
29.
That age?
It's all about image.
Selfies, Instagram,
style, taste.
Show her you've got none,
- she'll run a mile.
- Really?
- Trust me.
- Right, so I'll end it.
Absolutely.
- Unless...
- What?
He ups his game?
- How?
- Makes some radical gesture,
which proves he's planning
a future with you.
- What sort of gesture?
- And this is...
The ultimate turn-off.
Here you go. Still
you, but brighter.
I like it. It gives me a glow.
Oh, my God.
Look who it is.
- Who?
- ♪♪♪
Blues just signed him.
This can't be happening.
Yeah, it can.
They're wadded.
He's early. I told him
not to come before 12.
- Why are you hiding?
- He's never seen me without make up.
What, even in bed?
No, I get up, I put my make-up on
at five, and when he wakes up,
he thinks that's what I look like,
but I don't - I look like this.
Help me.
Can I help you?
Yes, I've come to collect
my fiancee, Dana Gifford.
Yeah, of course. Dana.
She seems to have disappeared.
Heidi, could you see if
you could locate Dana?
- Heidi...
- Hi, Leon.
Er, hello.
Is Dana around?
Heidi, could you
check the cubicles?
Heidi...
You bastard.
- Who?
- Arsehole.
- The Leon guy?
- That's him.
- Who?
- Oh, the one-night stand.
Don't call it that.
The very short liaison that
resulted in your offspring, Disney?
Did you see the way
he looked at me?
Well, he hadn't got
a clue who you are.
Why would he do that?
- Baby, what's up?
- She was feeling a bit faint,
so I told her to get
close to the floor.
What?
If she's coming down with something,
you don't want to catch it.
OK, well, baby, let's get you home.
Yeah?
Yeah, so, now you know.
- This is me.
- Yes.
- Without make-up.
- And?
Well, obviously
you're horrified.
Mr Kawasaki... Leon, sorry.
Can I say what a lucky girl
Dana is to be your fiancee?
And now we all want to make
her look her best for you.
I will personally guarantee
to get her paparazzi-ready
by agreeing to be her
personal make-up artist.
Is that what she wants?
I think we can all agree
it's what she needs.
You want this?
No. No, I don't...
I don't want any of it.
Getting judged and slagged off.
"Oh, my God, he could
so do better."
"Have you seen those eye bags
and the size of that arse?"
I'm not a lingerie
model, I'm a...
I'm a dental nurse.
You are right, I am horrified...
That you think so little of me.
That you care so much
what other think.
Don't you care
what others think?
I care what you think.
He picked that
when he could've had me.
Well, he did have you.
For five minutes in
the back of a Beetle,
after you flashed your
foof at him in Suede.
What is she doing?
Sign this for us, please?
- Oh, it's a pleasure.
- I'm a footballer.
- Where do you play?
- Upfront.
Oh, that's a tough place to be.
- It's in the blood. Because of my dad.
- What, he plays football?
Used to, don't know
if he still does.
- Never met him.
- Oh, that's a shame.
He don't care.
Hey, he doesn't know
what he's missing, OK?
- Can I have a photo?
- Of course you can.
Come on, let's go.
- Cheese!
- Cheese!
What did you think would happen?
That he'd feel the same,
that he'd come looking for me
and I would tell him about Diz
and he'd say we
should be together.
It was one night.
Five minutes.
But it meant the world to me.
Have you got any
idea what it's like?
To believe in something...
..to have absolute faith...
..and then find out everything
you thought was real...
..was a bazzin' great lie?
Could I borrow your sat-nav?
Mine's bust. I was going to
get a new one at the weekend.
- Yeah, sure.
- Cheers.
Got your message.
What's up?
Sweet.
Her car's here.
Shit.
Right, where is she?
And who's she with?
Come on.
_
Snapchatting the boyfriend?
- How did you guess?
- Well, I've got teenage kids.
So how are we?
I'm really glad you
decided to come back.
At my age you need all
the help you can get.
Shall we stretch?
My hub thinks I'm a lost cause.
Childhood sweethearts, see?
Thinks he knows me inside out.
Cheek of it!
How about you? You
been together long?
Oh, no, not really.
We're actually quite new.
Are you the marrying kind?
I guess so.
- Is he?
- Well...
What, he's asked you?
That'd be a bit premature.
Because he's cautious?
No. Cos he's married already.
- Oh.
- Which I feel totally bad about.
I've never in my life
gone after a married man.
I didn't go after this one.
I didn't know he was
married until after we...
Well, presumably the
marriage is over.
I thought so. Then he went
and slept with his wife.
- Mum wears glasses?
- And trackies?
He admitted it?
He said it was just the once.
She'd made a real effort and he
felt so bad for her he just...
Poked her out of pity?
Wow.
Is he going to leave her?
He says so, but he wants
to let her down gently.
- Oh, that's kind of him.
- He is kind.
He doesn't want to hurt
her any more than I do.
And, obviously, if I thought there
was anything still between them...
- But there isn't?
- If he's saying he wants to be with me?
But he's going to have to
make some real commitment.
Because it's a big concession,
me agreeing to forgive him
after he'd slept with her.
- Does she have a name?
- I don't want to think about her.
If I do, she's real.
So Mum wants to get fit and she don't
want you guys takin' the piss.
I don't blame her.
Ted, you said satin, right?
Fibre-optic?
Total turn-off, yeah?
Right.
- Are you DG?
- Are you Manc Gold?
Hi.
Yeah, I'll be right there.
- Watch it!
- Sorry.
Right, what have you found out?
Four, three, two, one.
Way to go, Sheila! You looked like
you wanted to murder those pads.
I was picturing someone's head.
Motivation is the key.
And I think you'll agree,
these sessions are already
starting to pay dividends.
- I should go.
- Shall I book you in for next week?
I have to go.
I really think we can
take this further.
If I were her, I'd be mega jel.
Of me.
Most people are, babe.
♪ Just holding my pillow tight ♪
♪ Then you came into
my lonely days ♪
♪ With a tender love
and sweet ways ♪
♪ Now I don't know where
you come from, baby ♪
♪ Don't know where you've
been to, baby... ♪
- Here you go.
- Ta.
♪ Heaven must have sent you ♪
♪ Into my arms ♪
♪ Now in the morning
when I awake ♪
♪ There's a smile
upon my face... ♪
No Wes?
Perhaps he's come to his
senses and done one.
Two tickets to the
Clitheroe Antiques Fair
and a weekend at the
Smuggler's Elbow, Prestatyn.
How gutting must it be, eh?
Knowing Wes only married her
because he couldn't have me?
- Gutting.
- Perhaps I should clone myself.
Perhaps you should.
Least then he'd have a
shoulder to cry on.
Yes! Oh, yes!
To all of it.
Can I ask you something?
Are you cheating on Wes?
God, Ted.
If you only knew...
Of course I'm not.
You have no idea how
much that means to me.
What is it? Why are you...?
If I tell you, do you promise not
to breathe a word to anyone?
Of course.
Leanne's cheating on me.
- Oh.
- Hello.
Remember the tenth commandment -
thou shalt not covet thy
sister's piece of ass?
So that's the results
of the heats.
So now, without further ado,
let's kick off with the final
of the over-50s section!
- She loved it.
- Even Prestatyn?
Even the fibre-optic rose bush!
So now what?
Guess she's going nowhere
for the time being.
Don't tell me you're not
just a little bit chuffed?
- Drink?
- Half.
- You remembered.
- Why wouldn't I?
Well, aren't you the better man
turning up to support the family?
Least some of us appreciate you.
Give that man an Oscar!
Is that how it's done?
Play away, delete conscience?
- Ask your ma.
- I'm asking you.
It's been a while now.
As far as I remember,
it's all about boxes.
Pack away your finer feelings and
let the beast come out to play.
Once upon a time, he
wouldn't have gone near her.
Has he now?
Close, but no cigar.
What can I do?
I don't want advice, I don't want
questions, I don't want anything...
..except for you to listen.
I'm hoping it's a
flash in the pan,
that she'll come to her senses and
realise what she's throwing away.
I don't want to say
anything now...
..because I don't want
to make her choose.
Because if she chooses now,
I think she'll choose him.
So all I'm asking is for you to
be there, whenever I need you.
Can you do that for me?
Of course, Ted.
Any time.
You were brilliant. Beautiful!
Thank you, thanks a lot.
Thank you, thanks a lot.
Mum, Mum, smile!
Yay!
Let me in.
That's your lot, amigo.
Ta for the work-out.
I don't understand.
Adios?
But you are my little
northern soulmate.
Keep the faith, cock.
Let's go home.
Nobody warn you? She
always comes home.
Good back-flips, though.
So you're back now?
That a problem?
Not for me.
- Glass?
- I'm up early.
Sleep well.
And you.
Nice to see you without
all that slap on.
What was I thinking? That
I wasn't thin, smooth,
buffed and fluffed
enough for him?
- Screw him.
- Screw them both.
Hi, this is Lorelei Bailey, PT.
Please leave me a message.
Hi there, it's Sheila.
Coming back for more.
I'll try again later.
You do know you're
playing with fire?
What I know is, I'm going
to make them wish that
they'd never set
eyes on each other.
Everything's going
according to plan.
Cheers, Daddy-O.
What did we agree?
That I shouldn't call you that?
Mm.
Sweet, though, having
someone say it.
When you couldn't have
kids with your wife?
Not couldn't, didn't.
Never wanted one with her...
..and luckily she's so vain it
never took much to convince her
not to wreck her figure.
I had the snip.
- Get out!
- Mm.
I would've had it reversed
if I'd got with Bel.
But now it's too late.
Still, small price to pay
if I get her in the end.
Has it always been her?
Nobody's even come close.
But you married her sister.
How else could I
stay in her life?
You find the one, you
don't just give up
because they marry someone else.
You bide your time.
And when that day comes...
Has the day come?
She's right on the edge.
All she needs is a little push.
♪ Don't want us to be over ♪
♪ Don't want us to
be over, please ♪
♪ Time goes slow-mo ♪
♪ Don't want us to be over ♪
♪ Don't want us to be over. ♪