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Agatha Christie's Poirot (1989–2013): Season 2, Episode 9 - The Adventure of the Western Star - full transcript

Poirot is thrilled to receive an invitation from renowned Belgian actress Marie Marvelle. She has been receiving anonymous notes about the Western Star, a valuable diamond purchased by her husband at a cut-rate price several years before. The notes speak to the mystical nature of the diamonds and that they should be returned to their rightful owners. The next day, Lady Yardly claims to have received similar notes about her own fabulous diamond, the Eastern Star. When Poirot and Hastings visit Lord and Lady Yardly the diamond is stolen in a daring robbery. Needless to say, none of this sits well with Poirot who finds he has a very tight knot to untie.


Get the best apples and bananas!

That's Hoffberg's car.

That's Hoffberg,

and that's our man...

Van Braks.

All right, let Hoffberg go
inside. No call to alarm him.


Henrik Van Braks, we have
a warrant for your arrest

on the charge
of receiving gemstones,

knowing them to be stolen.


Never you mind about rubbish.
You're coming with us.

Miss Lemon?

Miss Lemon, I have the cakes...

ah, and the blue and gold
plates, I think,

with perhaps a little flower.


No, Mr. Poirot.

Very well.

But arranged symmetrically.

Marie Marvelle,
she's the great artiste.

Where is Captain Hastings?

He's not back from lunch yet.

What is he thinking of?

It is half past 3:00.

Well, he was lunching
at his club.

That club.

Thank you, Constable.

Now, Mr. Van Braks,

you have no objection
to being searched, I take it?

I would have the strongest
possible objection,

Chief Inspector,

without the attendance
of my lawyer.

And why, might I ask,
would you need a lawyer

if you're as innocent
as you make out?

You are not dealing with some
bumpkin, Chief Inspector.

I am a man not without
influence, even in your country.

Oh, really?

What's cooking?

Nothing is cooking, Hastings.

The cook is waiting for you
to finish

your nice game of billiards
at your club.

Marie Marvelle is coming to tea.



What's up?

You do not know
who is Marie Marvelle?

Can't say I do, no.

-These look good, Poirot.

Marie Marvelle
is the greatest film star

Belgium has ever produced!

I should think
she's the only film star

Belgium's ever produced.

You do not remember
"La Tendresse Religieuse"?

The what?

And "Drle de Coeur"?

I didn't even know
they made films in Belgium.

Why is it the fate
of Hercule Poirot

to live among such Philistines?

Hastings, Marie Marvelle
and her husband, Gregorie Rolf,

are stars
of international renown.

-They have made --

That was Miss Marvelle.

She can't come.


Can you call on her
at her hotel instead?

Come, Hastings.

Well, I'll do that, sir.

Yes, sir.


Well, there seems to be
some procedural difficulty

about this.

You can go for now,
Mr. Van Braks.

Thank you, Chief Inspector.

What did the commissioner say?

Never you mind
what the commissioner said.

Marie Marvelle has conquered
the world, mon ami,

and now she wishes to consult
Hercule Poirot.

Well, it is
the natural progression.

Because, you see, Hastings,
the ladies,

they always seek Poirot
for help.

Because Poirot, you understand,
has this particular sensitivity.

Mademoiselle Marvelle...

Hercule Poirot.

Arthur Hastings.

I apologize for not coming
to your office,

but I did not dare
to leave the hotel...

after the last of these arrived
this afternoon.


Mm, cheap paper, with her name
and address carefully printed.

"The great diamond, which is
the left eye of the god,

must return whence he came."

The second one's
exactly the same.

Ah, but not the third.

"You have not obeyed.

Now the diamond
will be taken from you.

At the full of the moon,
the two diamonds

which are the left
and the right eye of the god,

shall return.

So it is written."

Strong stuff.

Mademoiselle, these letters,
they did not come by post?


They were delivered downstairs
by a Chinaman.

Well, that is what frightens me.

It was from a Chinaman
in San Francisco

that Gregorie bought the stone
three years ago.

A reputable diamond merchant?


He approached Gregorie
in a restaurant.

Well, Gregorie said
he seemed terrified.

And he only asked
about a tenth of its value.

He said it was called...

...the Western Star.

This story seems of a
romanticism almost unbelievable.

And, yet, who knows, huh?

When is the next full
of the moon?

Friday. I looked it up.

-Three days' time?

this belle histoire,

it may be a hoax,
but it may not.

Therefore, I counsel you to
place the diamond in my keeping

until after Friday.

Then we can take
what steps we please.

That is not possible.

We're going to Yardley Chase
for the weekend.

Pardon, if I am dense,

but surely it is possible
for you to go to Yardley Chase

without taking the diamond
with you.

I want to wear it there.

I've just remembered.

It was in the Tatler last week

about Lady Yardly having a
diamond called the Eastern Star,

and how it was meant to be
one eye of some Chinese god.

And the Western Star
was the other,

and it belonged to a film star.


could we be permitted to see
the Western Star?

Me and my husband are in
negotiation with Lord Yardly.

We want to make a film
at Yardley Chase.

-It's a beautiful place.

We shoot the film entirely
on location at the house.

Elizabethan Sussex.


Well, same thing.

So you are acquainted already
with Lord and Lady Yardly?

Gregorie met them when he was
in California a few years ago.

Thank you, madam.


I do not believe the diamonds
are twins.

I do not believe
the diamond of Lady Yardly

is as good as mine.

Without a flaw.

You will leave it
with Papa Poirot?

Good morning.

Gregorie is here.


So, this is
the famous M. Poirot.

Enchant, monsieur.

I am Gregorie Rolf.


This is my associate,
Captain Hastings.

-How do you do?

Well, so what does M. Poirot
think of our little problem?

As one big joke, as I do?

I have advised your wife,

not to take the jewelry with her

when she visits Yardley Chase
on Friday.

I agree, monsieur.

But a woman is a woman,
you know.

She can't bear the idea
of another woman outshining her

in the jewelry department.

That's nonsense.

My dear lady,
I have given my advice.

I can do no more.

I've been after him for months.

So, M. Van Braks
is of interest to you?

Trouble is,
I don't lay a finger on him.

Is he one of the Van Braks
armament family?

He is the Van Braks
armaments family,

and he's got
this little hobby --

more like an obsession.

He collects diamonds.

I did not know that.

Well, no, not many people do

because he's not too particular
how they're come by,

if you take my meaning.

What they call
a secret collection.

He's mixed up with this dealer
called Hoffberg

in Hatton Garden.

There's something going on.
I know there is.

If I lay a finger on Van Braks,

the commissioner will be down
on me like a ton of bricks.

Oh, it all sounds too
complicated for me, mon ami.

What were you doing
at The Magnificent anyway?

Just purely the social call.

Mademoiselle Marie Marvelle,
the great Belgian film star,

she stays there.

Belgian film star?


Ha ha ha.

You're pulling my leg.

No, Chief Inspector.

Poirot does not pull the legs.

I'm sure you have
much more important business

to which you must attend.

All right, I can take a hint.

I'll be seeing you.

Ah, M. Bennet.

After you cut my hair last week,

I went home
and I measured each sideburn.

As I suspected,

the left one was 3 millimeters
longer than the right.

Let us make the effort,
M. Bennet,

not to make a similar travesty

A haircut is a partnership,
M. Bennet.

It is a joint venture.

I bring to it my hair,
you, your undoubted skills.

Captain Hastings.

What?! What?!

I've got Lady Yardly
in my office.

She wants to see Mr. Poirot.

Well, we better -- good Lord.

He's not back from the barber's


Show her in.
I'll deal with it.

Will you come this way, please?

Lady Yardly, sir.

How do you do, Lady Yardly?
I'm Arthur Hastings.

I know why you've come here.

You know?

You've received blackmailing
letters about the diamond.

Do sit down.

You know?


Logic, Lady Yardly.

If Marie Marvelle
has had warning letters...

Marie Marvelle has been here?

And if she, as holder
of one of the twin diamonds,

has received a series
of anonymous letters

delivered by a Chinaman

threatening to steal them
at the next full moon,

it logically follows

that you would have received
similar missives.

That's amazing.

Ice... cold... logic, Lady Yardly.

The deductive process.

As a matter of fact,

I remembered
as soon as I saw Rolf.

When he was out in Hollywood,

Lord and Lady Yardly were there,

Yardly put money into some film,
lost a lot, I think.

But there was gossip about Lady
Yardly and your friend Rolf

being seen a lot together.

And the letters of Lady Yardly,

they were also delivered
by the Chinaman?

No, I asked her about that.
They came by post.

But she said they smelt strongly
of jasmine oil.

Jasmine oil?

It's a kind of Chinese scent.

Are they symmetrical, Hastings?

Oh, what, the sideburns?

Yes, I think so.

You can be frank with me,

I am being frank.

Yardly Hall.

Hastings, why did Lord Yardly
not come to see us?

He doesn't take the letters
seriously, it appears.

Thank you.

Well, I can't make head or tail
of this.

Marie Marvelle's been getting
these odd letters, too, you say.

What does it all mean?

That, Lord Yardly,
is what we must discover.

But, tell me, this story of
the origins of the diamond --

it is true?

No, it's all damn nonsense.

Nothing to do with China at all.

My grandfather brought it back
from India.

And this business of making
a film at Yardley Chase --

that's all fixed up
between you and Mr. Rolf?

Well, no, there's nothing
settled yet.

Nice chap, mind, for an actor.

But no definite deal?


I might as well get this

I've been an ass in many ways,
Captain Hastings.

I'm head over ears in debt.

But now we've got the children,

I want to get things
straightened out.

Rolf is offering a lot of money,

but not enough to set me
on my feet again.

So you must sell
the Star of the East.

That's it.

I've been to see Hoffberg,
the Hatton Garden man about it,

and he's trying to find a buyer
for me.

I comprehend.

Look here, M. Poirot,

do you think these letters
are serious?

I must confess, it sounds like
a lot of tosh to me.

To Poirot also
it sounds like the tosh.

But I think there is happening
something mysterious.

Perhaps you should be
on your guard.

Shall I take them?

Just a little longer, Nanny.

Very well, madam.

One of the wheels is bent.
Can you straighten it, Mummy?

Uh, this is M. Poirot, my dear.


How do you do, Mr. Poirot?

Enchant, Lady Yardly.

It was yesterday
that you were fortunate enough

to meet my associate,
Captain Hastings.


Oh, yes.

About those silly letters --

perhaps I took them
too seriously.

Mm, perhaps.

Oh, it's all damn nonsense.

I never heard there were
two diamonds before, anyway.

Star of the West, indeed.

Don't forget the signal, Harry.

The diamond of the great Belgian
film star Marie Marvelle

is fully worthy of the name.

You've seen it?

Oh, yes.

Perhaps it would be possible
to see its partner?

Why not?

Why don't you wear it
at dinner tonight, Maude?

Oh, uh...

It's set in one of
the most hideous necklaces

you've ever seen.

George is always promising
to have the stone reset,

but it's never been done.

You'll have to wind that up
again, now, you hear?

But, Daddy,
Harry won't give me the key.

He keeps hiding it.

Thank you, Mullings.

You ought to know about this,
Mr. Poirot.

It's from Hoffberg.

He's sending a man down tonight
to have a look at the stone.

I wish you wouldn't sell it,

It's been in the family so long.

Now, Maude.

All right.

Very well, since it is the last
time I shall be able to do so,

I shall wear the Star of
the East to dinner tonight.

Excuse me.

Who's the fellow
who's coming down?

Oh, uh, sounds foreign.

Mr. Henrik Van Braks.

Thank you.

Vino for you, M. Poirot?

No, merci.

Amontillado, s'il vous plat.

I believe the aperitif
should be a pleasure

rather than a penance.


Behold the sacrifice.

C'est magnifique.

No, no, wait till I turn
the main light on.

Then you may feast your eyes on
the ugliest necklace in England.


-What happened?!

Maude! Maude!

Hastings, the lights!

Where are they?


Oh, my God!

Darling, what happened?

The Chinaman.


-Side door.
-Where is it?

There, that one.

It's here!
They didn't get away with it.

Well done, Captain Hastings.

They must have dropped it
in their panic.


Look at it carefully, Hastings.

The Star of the East,
it's gone!

Oh, my God!

That door's always kept locked.

It's not locked now.

Poirot, look at this.

A piece of silk
from the Chinaman's robe.

Mullings, look after her
ladyship and call the police.

Come on.
They can't have gone far.

Be careful.

There may be
more than one of them.

Yardly Hall.

I was just about to turn on
the other light

when a man sprang on me
from behind.

Thank you.

He tore the necklace
from my neck with such force

that I was pulled over.

As I fell,

I saw him disappearing
through the side door.

I realized by his pigtail
and his embroidered robe

that he must be Chinese.

Oh, got away.

I heard something.

Oh, George.

Come on, old girl.
Had a bit of a shock.

Drink that, darling.

Mr. Van Braks to see you,
my lord.

He says that you expect him.

Oh, good Lord, I shall have to
explain to him, I suppose.

I'll talk to him in the library,

Very good, sir.

Oh, no sign of the police yet?

Not yet, sir.

Will you excuse me a moment,
my dear?

Of course.

Excuse me.

I think I'll just go up to my
room and lie down for a while.

I'll be all right.

Look here, Poirot,

don't you think we ought
to get back to London?

Do you think so, Hastings?

Well, the other diamond --
Marie Marvelle's.

They've got one. Now they're
bound to go for the other one.

Tiens, but your brain marches
to a marvel, mon ami.

Figure for yourself.
Poirot never thought of that.

Yes, Hastings,
we must go back to London...


Good evening, Mr. Mullings.


M. Poirot, goodbye.
Thank you so much.

Au revoir, my lord.

Captain Hastings, thank you.

-Pleasant journey.


Who is that?

It's Japp!

Why do you lurk,
Chief Inspector?

I've just trailed Van Braks
down here.

You're mixed up with this
diamond business, aren't you?

Diamond business?

Don't come the old acid with me,

Qu'est-ce que c'est "the old
acid," Chief Inspector?

-Who are you?
-What's going on?

I'll ask the questions, sonny,
if you don't mind.

Scotland Yard.


Oh, uh, very sorry, sir.

Just doing my job, sir.

We had a report
of a diamond stolen.

Do you know about this?

Yes, it was 20 minutes ago.

20 minutes ago?

Darn it.

Can't have been Van Braks then.

He'd only just got off
the train.

No, it was some Chinaman.

All right, Sergeant,
get on with it.

Thank you very much, sir.
Good night, sir.

Come on, lad.

Now, what the hell is going on?

There is nothing you can do
here, Chief Inspector.

Come back with us,

and on the way, I will tell you
all that I know.

Here we are, sir.

I have the honor to remain...

It's all over the papers.

...yours sincerely,
Hercule Poirot.

-Good morning, Hastings.

"The curse
of the Eastern Star --

Oriental intruder
attacks viscountess.

Informed sources
were last night speculating

that religious fanatics
were responsible."

Thank you, Hastings.

I have already read
the newspapers.

It beats me how they get
into print so quickly.

They make it up, Hastings.

-You think so?

Well, are we going
to The Magnificent?

We should have been there
last night.

Well, to warn Marie Marvelle.

I mean, obviously, her diamond
is going to be next on the list.

She will have seen
the newspapers, Hastings.

Besides, it is not yet
the full of the moon.

Well, they didn't wait
for the full moon last night.


Yes, Miss Lemon.

Yes, of course.
Put him through.

Bonjour, Chief Inspector.


We will come over immediately.


Come, Hastings.

The Western Star,
it has been stolen.


At The Hotel Magnificent.

Well, what about the full moon

When did this happen?

This morning, I understand.

If only you'd listened to me,

Take this straight up
to Room 606.

Here we go again.

Sinister Chinaman, little yellow
god, threatening letters.

-No, it's all true.
-Oh, yes.

As true as I'm riding
this bicycle.

Van Braks is mixed up in it

How was the diamond stolen?

You better come and hear it
from the horse's mouth.

I came on duty at 8:00.

We weren't all that busy,

and I noticed particularly
that Mr. Rolf left the hotel

at about 11:15.

Why did you go out?

You did not have to go out.

You want me to be a prisoner
in the hotel?!

Why did you not give the diamond
to M. Poirot for safekeeping?

Uh, recriminations
are not very helpful, Mr. Rolf.

Go on, sir.

At about half past 11:00,
a gentleman comes in.

I mean,
I thought it was Mr. Rolf.

He was dressed like him.
He looked like him.

He's blind, I tell you.

Well, this man, whoever he was,

asked for Mme. Rolf's jewel case
from the safe.

And you gave it to him?


I thought it was Mr. Rolf.

I gave him the receipt to sign,
and he signed it.

Chief Inspector,
do we have the form?

Here we are, sir.

Thank you.

M. Rolf...

is this your usual signature?

Nothing like.

He's blind!
I told you, he's blind!

All right, Mr. Rolf.

Well, I looked at the signature,
and it looked all right to me.

And he said, "I've been getting
threatening letters

from a Chinaman,

and the worst of it is I look
rather like one myself."

Well, I looked at him.
I saw what he meant.

His eyes slanted up at
the corners like an Oriental's.

I never noticed it before.

Of course
you've never noticed it before.

Do you notice it now?!

I'm holding your hotel
responsible for this!

Please, Mr. Rolf, I'm trying to
conduct an investigation.

And, as a matter of interest,

where were you
at the time of the robbery?

I was nowhere near the hotel.

Why should I steal
my own diamond?

Is this the famous Scotland Yard

It's for you, Mr. Poirot.

A word in your ear,
Mr. Rolf, if you don't mind.

Thank you.


Lady Yardly is here to see you,
Mr. Poirot.

She says it's urgent.

How does she seem?

She seems terribly upset.

Thank you, Miss Lemon.

Now it begins.

Have you seen the papers?

The more lies I tell,
the more I get enmeshed in them.

The Eastern Star was not stolen
last night.

It was taken from me
three years ago.

By M. Gregorie Rolf?

You know?

I am a detective, Lady Yardly.

When we met in California,
he was such fun.

He was so...

I was never more than
indiscreet, M. Poirot, I swear.

But I wrote him some letters.

And he blackmailed you?


But you got back the letters.

Only in return
for the Eastern Star.

And then your husband throws
a hammer into the works

when he tells you he wishes
to sell the diamond.

I was frantic.

Gregorie had arranged

for Mr. Hoffberg to make
this paste replica.

But I knew that an expert
would spot it immediately.

What happened then?

I came here two days ago
to tell you all this.

You came here to tell us
that you were being blackmailed?

And about M. Gregorie Rolf?

Why did you not?

I didn't know Marie
had already been to see you.

And when Captain Hastings
assumed I'd come

for the same reason as her,

I just lost my nerve.

Well, I, uh, assumed.

Gregorie had concocted a plan.

He was to write those
mysterious, threatening letters,

and then we were each
to stage a robbery.

Which you did last night.

But that was the Chinaman.

No, Hastings,
there was no Chinaman.

Lady Yardly merely turned out
the light, she screamed,

removed the paste stone,

and threw the necklace
along the corridor.

But what about
the piece of silk

from the Chinaman's robe?

I had put that in the door

Gregorie Rolf's diamond
was stolen as well.

That was the Chinaman.

No, no, Hastings.

That was stolen
by M. Gregorie Rolf...

with the aid of a little gum
at the corner of the eyes.

Good Lord, why would he go
to all that trouble?

He could have taken it
at any time.

There had to be a performance.

People would be suspicious
if there wasn't a proper theft.

And the insurance company, too,
would be quite doubtful,

I think.

But he won't give it back to me.

He says I can claim the
insurance on the diamond now,

so why should he give it up?

But it's not insured.

So, a small problem, hein?

A terrible problem, M. Poirot.


May I keep this, madam?

I'm an impatient man,
Mr. Hoffberg.

The diamond is on the market
now, I happen to know.

It didn't come to me yet.

It will, Mr. Van Braks.
Have no fear.

You have the money?

I'm ready to move
at a moment's notice.

Don't worry.

M. Rolf, bonjour.
Asseyez-vous, s'il vous plat.

M. Poirot, I am a very busy man.

This morning I had
the pleasure of a visit

from Lady Yardly.


She told me everything --

how you blackmailed her
for the Star of the East,

how you sent the letters
to your own wife.

I don't know
what you are talking about.

That woman, no?

There is something wrong
with her.


She chased me
all over California.

She hasn't stopped chasing me.

She tells these stories
about me.

M. Rolf,
do not tell any more lies.

Do not anymore blacken
the name of Lady Yardly.

You will return the Star
of the East to her immediately.

You're as mad as she is.



I may be leaving the hotel
at very short notice.

Would you have my bill ready,
waiting for me?

Certainly, sir.

I will see to it personally,
Mr. Van Braks.

Thank you.

Thank you.

And what can I do for you?

You made this for M.
Gregorie Rolf three years ago?

I think you know what I want,
M. Hoffberg.

If you do not assist,

the Chief Inspector Japp
of Scotland Yard

will be pleased to hear

how you are acting
as a dishonest broker

between Van Braks
and M. Gregorie Rolf.

Mr. Rolf to see you,
Mr. Hoffberg.

I'll come out.

Thanks very much.

Wait a moment.

Van Braks. Hello?

Van Braks, it's Gregorie Rolf.


Look, I've got the article
in question.

I've just seen Hoffberg, and,
well, he's behaving strangely.

He doesn't want to handle it.

This is nonsense.
Why has he changed his mind?

I don't know.
I don't know.

I haven't got time to waste.

I've got to get
to Croydon Airport.

Can you meet me there?

I shall do my best.

All right.

Right. Let's go.

I thought you were going to be
in there all night.

M. Rolf, Hastings,
where did he go?

Croydon Aerodrome.

How do you know?

He kept a taxi waiting.
I asked the driver.

Good, Hastings.
The simplicity, huh?

Was he alone in the taxi?


I must go back to
The Hotel Magnificent at once.

I have a sad duty to perform.

Get Lady Yardly
and take her to the flat.

Wait for me there.

Hotel Magnificent,
s'il vous plat.


I'd like a taxi now, please.

Yes, sir.


Croydon Airport --
quick as you can, please.

Yes, sir.

All right, stay with him.

Very good, sir.

Ah, M. Poirot.


May I please come in?

But of course.


Have you any news?

About the diamond?


You do not pack, mademoiselle?

Why should I be packing?

No, merci.

Oh, you mean to go
to Yardley Chase.

We don't go till tomorrow.


I don't know
if we shall go at all.


J'ai de mauvaises nouvelles
pour vous.

-Keep the change.
-Thank you, sir.

I think it's your turn.

Johannesburg flight.



180 pounds.


No, no luggage.

No luggage?

Johannesburg flight.


164 pounds.


Thank you.

Il est parti maintenant.

...a fini.


C'est fini.

How long till we get
to the aerodrome?

Oh, only 5 minutes now, gov.

Change that sign.
This is police business.


Come on, come on.


Lady Yardly.

I have news for you.

I need good news, M. Poirot.


Oh, M. Poirot!

Is it the real one?

Yes, Hastings,
it is the real Eastern Star.

However, at this moment,

M. Gregorie Rolf is waiting
at Croydon Aerodrome,

believing that the paste stone
in his pocket is the real one.

But where did you get it?

From M. Hoffberg.

I ascertained that he was acting
as the go-between

for Van Braks
and M. Gregorie Rolf,

but I managed to persuade him

to refuse to go any further
with the business.

But while he was examining it,
to palm it

and substitute it
with the other.

I can never thank you enough.


Ladies and gentlemen,

the Imperial Airways flight to
Johannesburg is about to leave.

Will any remaining passengers
please board immediately?

Passengers for Johannesburg,
this way, please.

Wait a minute.
You think I'm mad?

This is paste.

No, don't try that, Van Braks.

I took this from my wife's
jewelry case myself.

It's still paste.
You've been wasting my time.

Van Braks, I need this money.

Me too.

You need to see Hoffberg
with it.

Stop him!

Police! Police!
Stop him!

Let me go!

Well, well, well,
if it isn't Van Braks.

Right, come on.

All right, all right.

Close the door!

I don't think your friends
in high places

will be able to get you out
of this one, Mr. Van Braks.

I'm charged with what?

Carrying my own money?

And you're going to charge
Mr. Rolf

with being in possession
of an imitation diamond

worth 3.10.

Good. I shall enjoy this.

Let's go to Scotland Yard,
shall we?

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

The veal, it is good,

Oh, very good, yeah.

It has marinated in a mixture
of white wine, brandy,

and the seeds of the fennel.


You know, you say you've got
this particular sensitivity

to women and all that, Poirot.

It seems to me that all
you've done for Marie Marvelle

is to lose her her husband.

Her blackmailing, adulterous
husband, who is also the thief?

That is such a great loss,

How little you understand
the feminine psychology

and feminine needs, Hastings.

Well, you're right there.


Yes, old chap?

I have worked hard, Hastings,

to prepare for you
the delicious dinner.

I have searched the shops
for the exotic herbs.

I have argued with the butcher,
who is a fool.

I have beaten your scallops
with a little mallet

until my arm, it aches.

And you sit there shoveling food
in your mouth

and writing in your little book.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You're always rotting at me
about order and method,

so I've started to keep
this notebook.

I've got two columns.

The first is to write down all
the things I don't understand.

Then the second is to write down
the explanation.

What is it that you write now?

Well, the first thing is,

if Lady Yardly's got
the real diamond now

and the other one was imitation,

who's got the other eye
of the Chinese god?


there was no Chinese god.

There was no connection
with China whatsoever.

Now, close your little book
and eat your dinner.