Adventures of Superman (1952–1958): Season 2, Episode 16 - The Clown Who Cried - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

NARRATOR: Faster
than a speeding bullet.

More powerful than a locomotive.

Able to leap tall buildings
at a single bound.

MAN 1: Look! Up in the
sky! MAN 2: It's a bird!

WOMAN: It's a plane!
MAN 3: It's Superman!

NARRATOR: Yes, it's Superman,

strange visitor
from another planet,

who came to Earth
with powers and abilities

far beyond those of mortal men.

Superman, who can change
the course of mighty rivers,



bend steel in his bare hands,

and who, disguised
as Clark Kent,

mild-mannered reporter for a
great metropolitan newspaper,

fights a never-ending battle

for truth, justice and
the American way.

And now, another
exciting episode

in the Adventures of Superman!

[♪♪♪]

[WHISTLING]

Who are you?

Crackers!

[LAUGHS]

Cut it out, Rollo.

I ain't done any clown work



since we was
partners 10 years ago.

Yeah, that's funny. We had
an argument and split up.

Now I can't remember
what we argued about.

About the same thing
that brings me back.

Money. I need some.

Well, I haven't very much,
but you can have a few dollars.

A few rotten bucks, huh?

I'm getting sick of having
nothin' but a few rotten bucks.

Well, I'm sorry Crackers,

but I don't happen to
have very much right now.

[KNOCKING]

Come in.

Hello.

Hello. Hello, are you Rollo?

Yeah. I'm Clark Kent.
This is Miss Lane.

We're from the
Planet. Yeah, I know.

You're the tallest
midget in the world,

and you're the smallest giant.

Well, not exactly.

We've come to ask
you a tremendous favor.

Favor? Sure, why not?

Oh, uh, this is a friend
of mine, Crackers.

Glad to know ya.

How do you do, Crackers?

Now, about this, uh, favor.
What can I do for you?

Well, it's quite a
big favor, Rollo.

We want you to help us
raise a half a million dollars.

Half a million dollars?

You see, Rollo, in
two hours from now,

the Daily Planet is
starting a telethon.

It's a 24-hour television show

to raise money for the
Children's Fresh Air Camp Fund.

Oh, of course, of course.

Say, I'd be honored
and delighted.

I've got just
the bit for it, too.

A new act I thought up.

Would you like to see it?

Love it.

Did ya hear that, Crackers?

I'm gonna help raise
half a million dollars.

Yeah, I heard.

I thought of this
just for Metropolis,

because this is
where Superman lives.

Is that right,
Mr. Kent? That's right.

You might even get to meet him.

Wonderful, wonderful. Here.

Now, you be the villain,
and I'll be Superclown.

Now, instead of
taking the gun away

and crushing the barrel to bits

I take the gun away and...

eat it.

[LAUGHING]

I certainly wish
Superman could see that.

He'd sure get a kick out of it.

It's awfully nice of
you to help us though,

to be serious for a minute.

Not at all. That's
my business, my life:

making children happy.

All right, then. We'll see you
tomorrow night on Stage Three.

That's at Colossal Studios.

Good, good.

We'd better hurry if
we're going to contact

some of the other circus people.

You go on in a couple of hours.

Ooh, that's right.

Thanks again, Rollo. Good, good.

Nice to have met you, Crackers.

Think of that, Crackers.

Half a million dollars
for the children.

How does this money come in?

Oh, different people send it in.

By pledge, by check, by cash.

Cash, huh?

Yeah.

Say, I got a wonderful
idea, Crackers.

Why don't you
get back in the act?

You know something, Rollo?

I think I will.

Good, good.

[THUD]

[♪♪♪]

Hi.

I'm looking for Mr. Kent.

He said he was coming
over to talk to you.

Yeah. He left here
a few minutes ago.

You might find him
somewhere else on the grounds.

Jeepers. A real clown's tent.

Hey, what do you use these for?

For cutting off
neckties, what else?

All right, son.

Look for Mr. Kent
somewhere else.

Rollo, what's that?

Oh, those... Uh, those
are my extra legs.

I-I strap those on behind me.

Oh, do they laugh
at that one. Ha-ha.

Yeah, that must be a riot.

Yeah, come on, let's go.

I want you to
meet a friend mine.

Hercules, the strong
man. No, I'd rather not.

Let's go.

Well, why not?

After all, I guess an
opportunity like this

only comes once in a lifetime.

I hope.

You'll like Hercules.

Wait till you meet him.

He's a real nice guy.

Maybe... maybe we
shouldn't disturb him.

After all, he's probably been

slavin' over a hot
dumbbell all day.

He loves company. Come on in.

MAN: Get him away. Get him away.

Get him away.

Get him away. Get him away.

Boo!

Boy, that was close.

I hate those mouses.

Herky, I want you to
meet a friend of mine.

Jim Olsen. How are you?

I'm fine. I'm fine.

That's all right. I don't
need this hand anyway.

Sit down on that
chair a minute, kid.

I want a couple of
words with my friend.

Herky, how'd you like to
make a hundred bucks?

Sure, I need a new suit.

These are getting
shiny in the pants.

Listen. Take this kid,
tie him up and gag him

and keep him here
until midnight tomorrow.

Sure, Rollo.

Leave it to me. I
got no conscience.

This is a free trick, kid.

Sit down!

I just sat down.

This is the trick where I put
the chains around my chest...

expand it until they break.

Hey.

Just one thing here.

Aren't you putting
these chains...

around the wrong chest?

The lock.

There. Try that.

Well,

now, there's only one thing
the matter with this trick.

It doesn't work.

Now, will you kindly
make with the key?

Why, that's a shame.

Looks like he must
have lost the key.

Let me see what I can do.

Too bad, kid.

You shouldn't have
seen those legs.

I can't take any chances.

Don't forget. Keep him
here till midnight tomorrow.

Sure, Rollo. Then you
pay me the 100 bucks, huh?

Sure, Herky. I gotta get back.

Gee, that Rollo.

He's the funniest
clown in the world.

Clark, we've really gotta hurry.

Yeah, I know. Well, Jimmy's
probably there already...

Clark, what's the matter?

Uh, nothing. Nothing, Lois.

Look, you'd better
go on without me.

I want to see someone else.

No. I'm gonna see that
you get there on time.

Lois, will you please...

No, and that is final.

All right.

Please let me... get the
dust off my glasses, at least.

Oh.

Oh, now see what you've done?

You're not supposed to
find them with your feet.

I know, Lois, I'm very sorry.

I have another
pair in my office.

Well, I'd better
get them for you.

I'll meet you at the studio.

Oh, would you, please?
Thanks. Thanks a lot.

What you need is a
full-time nursemaid.

[SNORING]

Superman!

Hercules, why don't you learn to
pick on someone your own size?

You're my size, Superman.

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

Jeepers, it was worth being
chained to get to see that.

But how did you know I was
here? Did Mr. Kent tell you?

Something like that,
Jimmy. I'll see you later.

Hey, but Superman...

Wait.

Aah!

You'll never get away
with this, Crackers.

Keep your voice
down if you want to live.

I've killed men for less than
I'm gonna make outta this.

I know what you're gonna do.

You're planning to take
my place at the telethon

and somehow steal that money.

Smart boy, Rollo.

I'll take it there ought to be
a couple of 100,000 in cash.

Not bad for one
night's work, is it?

Don't forget Mr. Kent. I
understand he's pretty smart.

I understand he's supposed to
be a friend of Superman's too,

but I'll still get away with it.

Crackers, you're going to
ruin the whole clown profession.

What are the
children going to think?

Don't do it, Crackers. For them.

[GROANS]

Jimmy, where have you been?

I've been looking
all over for you.

I'll explain later, Mr. Kent.

Right now, I think
there's a body in there.

CLARK: A body?

JIMMY: That's what I said.

There, see?

Rollo! Rollo, are you all right?

Oh... oh.

What happened?

Oh, it was Crackers.

Oh, you mean that fellow
who was here when I met you?

Yeah. You mean
there are two of you?

I mean, one of
you and one of him?

Oh, then he was made
up to look like me, eh?

It was you.

Oh, I thought so.

Well, what's this all about?

Do you know? I do now.

You see, Crackers came in
here and wanted some money.

I told him I had a month's
salary coming tonight

and I'd let him have $10.

Oh, I see.

Then he just impersonated
you and got all the money.

Which he must have done by now.

Well, there's no use crying
over spilt milk, is there?

Do you feel all right?
Oh, sure, sure. Fine.

Ya can't keep a good clown down.

Especially when he has
to be on telethon, eh?

Eh!

[LAUGHS]

Folks, this is the 22nd
hour of our telethon.

And we haven't even
reached the halfway mark yet.

Please, folks, let's
not let the kids down.

And now, the next
guest on our program...

is Sung Lo Too, the magician.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Ladies and gentlemen,

Sung Lo Too.

[ORIENTAL MELODY PLAYING]

[APPLAUSE]

Well, everyone holding up okay?

When this is over,

I'm going to pull
a Rip Van Winkle.

Kent, we've got
to go over the top.

We've just got to.

And right now, it
looks like it will take

more magic than
he has up his sleeve.

Well, Chief, they can't
say the Planet isn't trying.

This woman was hoping
to talk to Superman.

I don't understand it.

Is there such a big difference
between Superman and me?

I guess I do understand it.

[APPLAUSE]

[APPLAUSE]

[APPLAUSE]

[APPLAUSE]

[APPLAUSE]

[APPLAUSE]

Thank you, Sung Lo Too,
for being with us tonight.

Well, Mr. Kent, it's
the folks out there

who can really be
the real magicians.

You know, every
contribution is the magic wand

to send some underprivileged
youngster to camp.

Thank you, and good night.

Thank you very much.

And he's so right, folks.

Please send your
contributions in...

to Stage Three, Colossal
Television Studios.

Or the Metropolis Daily Planet.

[PHONE RINGS]

We're not making any progress.

The thermometer hasn't
gotten past 200,000.

Clark, that must have
been the hundredth request.

Everyone will send
in big chunks of money

if Superman will only make
a personal appearance.

I know, Lois. I thought he'd
be able to be here before now.

He's got to. That's
all there is to it.

And I'm going to hold you
personally responsible, Kent.

Now wait a minute, Chief.

There are certain
difficulties involved here...

Just what should be so difficult

about Superman
appearing on a telethon?

Especially when he knows
you're Master of Ceremonies.

Isn't there any way you
can get him here, Clark?

Well, I, I hope so, Lo...

Well, I'm not going
to worry about it now.

I'm starving to death. I'm
going out to get a sandwich.

Do you mind taking over for
me? Of course, Clark. Go ahead.

Thank you, very much.

It's just not like
Superman to let us down.

[APPLAUSE]

Ladies and gentlemen, I
know you've all been expecting

Superman to make a
personal appearance here, but...

Superman! Now I
know we'll make it.

I'm sorry to be late, Miss Lane.

Where did you come from?

Never mind. It's all yours.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen...

as you know, I have made
Metropolis my headquarters.

And I've done my best to
give you a clean, healthy city.

Now, I'm asking
you to do your best.

Your best for many
thousands of children.

Children who will grow up
to be the citizens of this city.

And that's just about
all there is to say.

So now I'm going
to ask you to give.

As much as you can

and as soon as you can.

Thank you very much.

[APPLAUSE]

You saved the day, Superman.

Now with some help
from Rollo the clown,

we're sure to make it.

I hope so, Miss Lane.
Sincerely, I hope so.

[APPLAUSE]

[RINGS]

Yes? Yes, it really
was Superman. Hello?

Two dollars? Thank you
very much. Yes. Thank you.

Yes, ma'am. Ten
dollars? Thank you. Hello?

Listen to this!

A thousand dollars in
the name of Superman.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Thank you very much.

Hello? Yes.

LOIS: Thank you.

There you go.

Sure nice of you to
take over, Mr. Kent,

while I grabbed a bite to eat.

Glad to do it.

Still can't figure out

why you insisted
on wearing my cap.

I don't feel
comfortable without it.

Well, uh... I couldn't watch

properly without
it, now, could I?

I hadn't thought of that.

Well, thanks again. You bet.

Rollo, I was scared to death
you weren't going to show.

Me, not show? You
couldn't keep me away

with a team of
horses. Good. Let's go.

PERRY: $500?
Thank you very much.

JIMMY: Five dollars?

[APPLAUSE]

Clark, he was here.
Superman was here.

I know, Lois.

Why didn't you come out from
behind that sandwich and say hello?

Well, you seemed
to be doing all right.

Besides, I didn't
feel very necessary.

Superman was a big help,

but we still couldn't have
done it without you, Mr. Kent.

Thanks, Jimmy.

Most of the cash has
been coming in envelopes.

I thought you folks
would like to see

how this contribution came.

From the employees
of the aquarium.

Give these pledges to the
tabulator, Tim. Yes, ma'am.

And keep counting that
money as fast as it comes in.

Oh, people are bringing money
from every organization in town.

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[PHONES RINGING]

Thank you, very much.

[INAUDIBLE]

We made it. The
counters say we did it.

Whoopee!

Clark, how wonderful.

Now this is a proud day... I
mean night... for the Planet.

We'll announce it.

Just as soon as
Rollo finishes his act.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

Are you through, Rollo?

We've got a pretty important
announcement to make.

Not yet, Kent, I'm just
starting. What do you mean?

Just this. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Rollo, that isn't very funny.

That's right. But if you
know what's good for you,

keep right on laughing.
Make like it's part of the act.

Better do as he says, Lois.

Everybody will think
this is a comic exit.

And that's the way I
want it, understand?

Get that money in the bag.

Come on, Lois.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Hey, what is this?

This is a heist,
buddy. Keep quiet.

Just behave yourself
and nobody gets hurt.

Rollo, I'd never have
believed this of you.

Gotta surprise for ya.

This isn't Rollo.

TIM: Hey!

Don't be a hero, Clark,
you're not the type.

Call the police.

PERRY: Great Caesar's ghost!
What's happening around here?

Hello? Get me
Inspector Henderson.

This is Clark Kent,
at the telethon.

Oh, sure. I've been watching
the program here at the station.

Say, that clown was sure funny.

Well, that clown just
stole all of our cash!

He's armed and he's dangerous.

You'd better send out an alarm.

What?

Alert all cars.

[ALARM SOUNDING]

[GUNSHOT]

You better give up, Crackers.

They'll kill you or
they'll kill me by mistake.

You used my name
and my reputation

to steal money
from the children.

I'll get you for that, Crackers.

Then come and get me!

[♪♪♪]

Don't shoot, I'm Rollo!

He is not, I'm Rollo!

Hold your fire till we
make sure which is which.

You take care of the money.

[♪♪♪]

[SCREAMS]

You are Rollo, aren't
you? Yes, I'm Rollo.

Good boy. Come on.

You could only catch
one of us, Superman.

How did you know which one?

The kind of man that you are is
what gave you away, Crackers.

I couldn't imagine Rollo
pushing anyone off a roof.

Not even you.

I guess I had it coming to me.

Anyway, I never was half
the clown you were, Rollo.

[APPLAUSE]

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
before we go off the air,

I'd like to bring
back once more,

Rollo, the clown.

[LAUGHTER]

From what the police said,

Superman saved more
than the telethon tonight.

But let's give Clark and
Rollo a little credit, too, Lois.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS, APPLAUDS]

[♪♪♪]