Adventures of Superman (1952–1958): Season 2, Episode 13 - The Machine That Could Plot Crimes - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

NARRATOR: Faster
than a speeding bullet.

More powerful than a locomotive.

Able to leap tall buildings
at a single bound.

MAN 1: Look! Up in the
sky! MAN 2: It's a bird!

WOMAN: It's a plane!
MAN 3: It's Superman!

NARRATOR: Yes, it's Superman,

strange visitor
from another planet,

who came to Earth
with powers and abilities

far beyond those of mortal men.

Superman, who can change
the course of mighty rivers,



bend steel in his bare hands,

and who, disguised
as Clark Kent,

mild-mannered reporter for a
great metropolitan newspaper,

fights a never-ending battle

for truth, justice and
the American way.

[♪♪♪]

ANNOUNCER [ON RADIO]: But
where are these roses of yesteryear?

Yes, where are the
dandelions who ran so wild

through the alleys
of Metropolis...

or thought they did?

The tough guys. The skunk weeds.

The Larry McCoys.

Larry McCoy?

Why, the guy's talking about me.



Remember him?

McCoy was quite a
big shot in his day,

but he slid
downhill, oh, so fast.

They all do.

Crime never pays
for long in any city.

But here in Metropolis,

it really shortchanges
the best of them.

Or the worst.

And we can thank
Superman for that.

Yes, here in Metropolis,
crime is paying less and less.

Larry McCoy and
the others like him

have gone on their
last toboggan ride.

They've run away for good.

They're done for.

And that's just one
of the reasons why

Metropolis Better Bank
bonds are a better investment

for your money in...

That's what you think, buddy.

I'll be back up on
top. Don't kid yourself.

[MOTOR SPUTTERING FAINTLY]

Hey shut up, will ya?!

[MOTOR PICKS UP SPEED, RUNS]

[DINGS]

Hey, shut up!

Well, isn't this a pleasure.

Look, all them sounds...

I'm a nervous type.
They keep me awake.

Hey, what is this thing?

Mr. Kelso.

Huh? Mr. who?

Mr. Kelso is a machine.

Hey, what are you
trying to give me?

A machine with a
name like a man?

Wait. I know sometimes
I'm eccentric-looking

and I say foolish things, but...

I can't help being proud.

There's no machine
in the entire world...

like Mr. Kelso.

All right. I'll bite.

What kind of a machine is it?

Oh! What kind of
a machine isn't it.

Mr. Kelso can do
anything. Anything.

I've given my whole
life to make him work,

to keep him running.

I said, what's he do?

He thinks.

Just a minute.

He's been working out
a mathematical problem

that would take an ordinary
human being years to solve.

And Mr. Kelso has solved
the entire problem in...

32 seconds.

Including comments
on the problem.

[GIGGLES]

Oh, Mr. Kelso can
be very sarcastic.

One of those
mechanical brains, huh?

Like they use for
elections and things.

No, no. Mr. Kelso is much
more complicated than that.

He can do several
problems at the same time.

This particular problem
that he's working on now

involves safe
combinations, you see.

And we have a stack of
data practically this high

with... With night watchmen
and time locks and...

Look, inventor, suppose you
hang a blanket on that thing, huh?

Let's come again with that.

Mr. Kelso here is
thinking about what?

Well, you see, one
of the boarders here

who lives in the
place also works

as a night watchman
at the bank...

You said something about
time clocks and watchmen?

Yes, you see, and
he's trying to prove

to the manager
that he can't possibly

be in all these given points...

You also said something
about safe combinations.

Oh, safe combinations.
They're a cinch for Mr. Kelso.

Aren't they, Mr. Kelso?

All you have to do is to
give him the size of the lock,

the number of falls,
practically ten seconds

to work it out, and
you've got your

safe combination.

Too bad we're not
criminals, isn't it?

That's very funny.
Yeah, very funny.

Say, maybe you have a... A
problem you'd like Mr. Kelso

to work out for you. Have you?

Why, yes. Uh...
Well, let's suppose

I'm in this bank
Mr. Kelso mentioned.

Oh, yes, I know. The one we have

the combinations for. Yeah.

Go ahead. Well,
there's two cops on duty,

but the closest is 50
feet from a call box.

Fifty feet. Go ahead.

Uh, of course,
I'm just supposing.

Of course.

But the burglar alarm rings
when only one cop can hear it,

and the nearest prowl car
is three and a half blocks

away at the time...

Oh, oh... [GIGGLES]

You're making it too easy.

Mr. Kelso has the
answer already.

What a strange
way of putting it.

Huh?

"How to rob the Metropolis
Bank north entrance.

One single alarm goes
off and patrol car is only

three and one-half
blocks away..."

[LAUGHS] Hey.

The machine took us
seriously. How about that!

That's all right,
Mr. Kelso. No offense.

Imagine. Taking us seriously...

Well.

It's a pleasure to
meet you, Mr. Kelso.

Yes. A real pleasure.

Eleven minutes
after the doors open...

Ten and a half...

Ten and three-quarters...

Five seconds left to go...

Three...

Two...

One.

Would you mind going to
the next window, please?

Gimme that bag.

[SCREAMING]

[ALARM RINGING]

Did you get away clean?

Yeah.

Boy, does that
machine know its onions.

"Daylight bank robbery.
Police completely baffled."

Here, look at this one...

"Metropolis First National
Bank robbed in broad daylight.

A perfect crime.
A daring success."

The front page of
the Daily Planet.

I wrote it. Any
objection, inspector?

Well, no. I guess
that one's all right.

What did you want to
see us for, inspector?

So you didn't like the way some
of the papers covered the story.

What can we do about it?

A bank is robbed
in broad daylight

and everybody gets excited.

Headlines, pictures, a
story of a crime wave...

But Inspector Henderson,
there hasn't been

a bank robbery in Metropolis
for more than a year.

And there won't be
for another year, either.

This is not a crime wave.

Why, that wasn't
even a professional job.

Oh, now, wait just a minute.

I mean it.

Here. Look at this report.

The bank guard just happened
to be making out his report.

The patrolman on
the beat just happened

to be phoning in
to his sergeant.

And the traffic
signal just happened

to be right for the getaway car.

You're trying to tell me
that this was just luck,

a series of coincidences
that made this thing work?

Exactly. Some rank amateur

just had a fool streak of luck.

Now, look, inspector.

Each one of these things
happened at a regular time,

didn't it? Yeah.

All right.

Now, suppose
someone's smart enough

to reduce the movements of
the police and the burglar alarms

and so on to a formula.

That wouldn't be luck, would it?

And how big a brain
would that take?

Oh, I see what you mean.

[PHONE RINGING]
Maybe you're right.

Of course I'm right.

I doubt if even Superman

could figure that
many time factors.

Yeah?

Yeah, this is Henderson.

What!?

Where? What happened?

The Second National Bank.

Anybody bother the car?

No, boss.

Oh, yeah, one guy.
But I got rid of him.

You know what I told him?

I said, "Brother, this car
belongs to Mr. Kelso."

And he walked away just
like it meant something.

Nosey, of all the dumb...

No. Maybe it's
all right at that.

Mr. Kelso's car.

And that was Mr. Kelso
who just robbed the bank.

Time. Get going.

[MACHINE POPPING AND WHIRRING]

[ALARM RINGING]

[♪♪♪]

Shirts! Yeah, I know. Shirts!

Like they just came
from the laundry.

Quit that laughing, will you!

Cut it out!

Oh, relax, Nosey.

That's part of another
perfect plan, that's all.

In case you were caught,
you'd have nothing but shirts.

You might have warned me.

I had the real
satchel all the time.

I got it across the
Tenth Street Bridge

just before the
toll gate closed.

I tell you, so far, every one of
these plans have been perfect.

The answer that machine
gives us is colossal.

Well, tell it to Mr. Kelso.

Tell it to Uncle Oscar there.

I'm quitting while
the quitting's good.

Quitting?

Quitting what?

So long, Uncle Oscar.

You'll wise up yourself someday.

But, gentlemen.

Gentlemen, what goes
on around here, anyway?

You know those
figures that we compiled

for the Metropolis Savings
& Loan Association?

The ones you said
were on their insurance?

Well, right here in the paper

it says that that company
has been robbed.

Ah, knock it off.

Nosey, listen to me.

You're just a-scared
of Superman, ain't you?

Boss, I've warned you before.

When Superman
starts getting into the act,

then count me
out. It's time to quit.

Come here. I wanna
show you something.

Look, I ain't gonna
argue about Superman.

I know how tough he can get.

Of course he can.

But then what have we done that
Superman should wanna stop us?

That was friendly.

Now who's gonna run
the machine for you?

Don't worry, I can run it.

Here, see?

[MACHINE SPUTTERS]

Yeah. We're gonna
get along all right,

Mr. Kelso and me.
We're buddies now,

ain't we, Mr. Kelso?

Boss, you're
getting just like he is.

Talking as if this
Kelso was human

instead of just nuts and bolts.

Don't say things like
that in front of him!

Huh?

Well, forget it. Never mind.

Just read that answer tape.

Yeah, all evening I've
been feeding him questions,

and he hasn't given us a
wrong answer yet, has he?

[NOSEY MURMURS INDISTINCTLY]

Everything he figured for us,
he's figured perfect, hasn't he?

You ask him about Superman?

Here. Read the answer.

See what he says.

"Superman can be stopped.
Superman can be fixed.

"Superman will
not interfere again.

Suggest you feed
me more factors."

There. That's it.

I gave him everything that's
known about Superman.

His x-ray vision,
his super-hearing,

the name of his friends,
all that kind of stuff.

[LOUD BEEPING]

"Instructions for
stopping Superman.

"Send following
message to Superman,

in care of Daily Planet."

This is it, Nosey.

We follow Mr. Kelso's
instructions,

and Superman won't dare
interfere with our next bank job.

[ALARM RINGING]

[♪♪♪]

Well, step on it.

Move, you big lug!
Get out of the way!

I thought you was
being too optimistic.

Your machine didn't
have that one figured out.

Well, perhaps we'd
better walk at that.

Cop car coming! Get them!

Superman!

Let's go.

No. It's not true, Ms. Lane.

I just can't believe it.

Jimmy, I talked to the
policeman who saw it.

They were shooting at
the police, weren't they?

Maybe Superman was trying
to keep anybody from being hurt.

I thought of that.
It's not good enough.

Where's Mr. Kent?

I don't know.

He was in his office earlier.

Well, never mind. I'll go see.

Well, where did you come from?

Oh, I uh... just got in, Lois.

Golly, Mr. Kent. Have you heard

that crazy story about Superman?

Yes. I know all about it, Jimmy.

Oh, you do. Then
what's the explanation?

Uh, Lois, I was
just on my way out.

I have nothing to say now.

Not so fast, Mr. Kent.

How come you know so
much about Superman?

Look, Lois. I'm on the trail
of something pretty important.

I have to keep my eye on
it until I find out the answer.

So, please. All
right, run along.

Dig up your own
private little headlines.

Thank you.

Holy cow.

It seems to me what's
happening to Superman

is a lot more important...

Jimmy, no wonder!

What?

Oh, that Clark Kent.

Stealing messages
meant for Superman.

What's it say?

I might have guessed.
The one thing they could tell

him that might worry him.

Let me see.

Sorry, Jim.

Clark Kent isn't gonna
have this story all to himself.

Aw, Ms. Lane. Please!

All right.

Someone wrote the Daily Planet.
They know Superman's identity,

and they're threatening
to tell the whole world.

[♪♪♪]

Well, this is certainly
getting us nowhere.

[SCREAMS]

Let me go!

Well. One big, happy family.

Get over there
against that wall.

Well, don't just stand
there. Do something!

I don't think he'll do anything.

Look, we got two of them.

How 'bout that, boss?

It's all right.
We'll be leaving.

Clark, what's the
matter with you?

Yeah, stand still.

I know all about you, and
I don't want any trouble.

You know all about me?

That's right.

Your name is Clark Kent,

and you're one of
those nuisance reporters.

I'm what?

What's so funny?

You ain't gonna be a
nuisance anymore...

either one of you.

Go on, move.

We'll put her in front.

I'll take him in back.
He's nervous like I am.

Hey, did you change
the license plates?

Yeah.

We're all right, boss. We
can still make the schedule.

You send Pinky to take
care of Uncle Oscar?

Sure. Give me a hand
with the doors, will you?

They're jammed.

Clark, what's
gonna happen to us?

Don't worry, Lois.

Superman will
get us out of this,

just as soon as he can.

But he can't.

These people know his identity.

It said so in the message.

They'll expose
him if he interferes.

It was only a bluff, Lois.

But that's why
Superman had to wait.

To find out whether
it really was a bluff.

Meanwhile, no one's been hurt.

All right. Here we go.

A short ride for you
and a long one for us.

You know, those
bank holdups of yours

were so slick that for a while,
Superman thought you were smart

enough to know
who he really was.

Don't yak at me, buddy.

I like it quiet.

Oh, I see. You're
not interested, huh?

Not anymore. It's all over.

See that pile of dough?

Mm-hm. Every penny we've taken.

What makes you think you'll get out
of town with that, or out of the country?

This.

You ever see
anything like it before?

The time of every stop light.

Factors that show when
each road is vacant,

when each cop is
headed the wrong way.

So that's it.

This Mr. Kelso you've been
talking about's a machine.

How did you know?

It's the only thing
I didn't know.

But I should have. It's obvious.

No human being could think
up such a complicated schedule.

Say...

Suppose they turn that against
you and use it to capture you?

Buddy, you're almost
as smart as I am.

What do you mean?

Well, you and the dame are
dead, anyway, so who cares...

'Cause I got my own schedule,
buddy. That's what I mean.

Larry McCoy wasn't
born yesterday.

Sure, I heard of those
machines a guy plays around with

and then it turns around
and catches them.

Well, I got all
the dough I need,

so in one minute there ain't
gonna be no more Mr. Kelso.

What? You heard me.

And no Uncle Oscar
to squawk, either.

I got a guy named Pinky
that's taking care of him

down at the house.

Same way you're
gonna be taken care of.

Hey, look! Huh?

In the cab there. Where?

See. Look.

[WHACKING, THUMPING]

Guess he don't wanna scare you.

But don't worry, miss.

The boss ain't gonna
hurt your boyfriend...

much.

Sorry.

I'll be gone for a minute, and
I don't want you to miss me.

Commercial Street.
12:10, right on schedule.

Now I gotta turn
right in six blocks.

[♪♪♪]

Superman!

You're Uncle Oscar, aren't you?

Here. Take this and watch him.

I've gotta get
back to the truck.

Wait, wait. There's no need to.

You don't understand.
Ms. Lane is still there.

No, no, no. But they'll
be captured soon.

What?

I can understand
those crooks fooling me,

but I... I don't understand
how they managed

to keep fooling Mr. Kelso.

Oh, look, please.
He'll think of something.

You must forgive me if I
don't believe such things.

LOIS: Look. Superman!

Shut up!

But you're wrong. It can't be.

The schedule said six blocks,
and I turned when I got there.

I don't care about
your schedule.

All I care about is that.

Read it and weep.

Well, he's quite a
machine. That's all I can say.

Mr. Kent, didn't I tell you
Mr. Kelso would do something.

Didn't I tell you.

Clark, do you suppose
I could ask Mr. Kelso

how you got out of
the back of that truck?

But, Lois, I've told
you again and again:

Superman smashed a hole in
that truck, and I went through it,

and that's the absolute truth.

Look, Uncle Oscar,

if I tell Mr. Kelso all I
know about Superman,

do you suppose he could
actually figure who he is?

Oh, I don't know about that.

Superman might not like it.

Besides, he might turn out to
be someone very dull like, uh...

Oh, never mind.

Don't you strain yourself
thinking of something dull.

Mr. Kelso, who is Superman?

[MACHINE POPPING AND WHIRRING]

Mr. Kelso says, quote...

"Wouldn't you like to know."

End quote.

[♪♪♪]