Adventure Time (2010–2018): Season 4, Episode 14 - Card Wars - full transcript
As Finn joins in on Jake's favorite, hyper-complicated card game, emotions and poor gamesmanship run high.
Hey, Jake. What's wrong?
You look dumpy. How come?
I-Is it because of
that metal box?
Is something sad inside?
No. It's nothing.
There's lots of boxes that
have nothing in them.
But also, you could put
something in the box.
And then it won't be empty!
Does that make you feel better?
You're a charmer, Finn human.
No. It's... well...
Lady Rainicorn
doesn't want to play
the game Card Wars with me.
I always beat her.
So she says, "no
more card warring."
What's Card Wars?
It's a fantasy card game
that's super-complicated
and awesome,
but, well... oh,
it's kinda stupid.
Never mind.
How come you never
talked about it before?
It sounds cool. - Really?!
Well, I thought you'd
say it was for nerds
who do not know how life is
outside of the nerd universe.
I-it is, man.
But I still totally
want to play it.
So no more moping, okay?
Thanks, Finn.
Oh, hey, Beemo. You
want to play, too'?
No! I do not play such games...
with Jake!
- What's that mean?
- Ah, whatever.
Let's play the game!
So, what kind of
stakes do we play for?
How about the loser...
is a dweeb,
and the winner is a cool guy?
Those are good stakes.
Coffee grounds, beetle butter,
grape jelly, kimchi,
aaand this stuff.
Hey! You're ruining that
pop with weird taste!
We drink when the game is over.
Oh, gross.
Now, let me explain the rules.
That's basically the basics.
So once we have our
kingdom setup...
it's time to start to play...
for the gloryyyy!
Huh?
Hey, were you asleep?
I'll have to explain
it all over again!
Doesn't matter. Let's just play.
But if you don't know the rules,
then you're gonna lose in
the first couple rounds,
like Lady always does.
And then you'll hate the game.
And then you'll hate max'
And then, and then...
Pfft! You think
you're gonna win?
I'm gonna crush you...
Party-dance style, dweeb!
Bring it!
So, how do I get my
land on the map'?
Oh.
You, uh, floop your land cards.
Uh...
Keep those honeys hidden,
or I'll get a
strategic advantage!
Oh! Hmm...
Okay, I go first.
I floop the Silo of Truth!
Hey!
Pfft! You got really lame cards.
Hmm...
I'll take the Cerebral
Blood Storm, though.
Huh?
Okay, now it's the battle phase.
I'm attacking your schoolhouse
with my Husker Knights.
And, I'm casting
Cerebral Blood Storm.
So, what do you use to defend?
Uh... can my Cool Dog
and Ancient Scholar defeat
your Husker Knights?
Of course not!
Hmm. Then I floop the pig...
What?!
- What?
- Okay, okay.
First of all, you don't floop
a creature to make it fight.
You activate a creature.
Hmm. No!
It says I can floop the pig.
See?
No!
He's eating all my cornfields!
My Husker Knights draw
energy from corn!
And since I'm not
actually attacking,
your Cerebral Blood
Storm only does damage
to your own kingdom's troops.
You just wiped out
my entire attack!
What do you expect if all your
power units come from corn?
Pigs eat corn, dude.
Cornfields stink.
Cornfields are awesome!
What makes you think you know
so much about Card Wars?!
- It's just logic.
- Your turn.
Hmm...
You're supposed
to discard a card
and pick up a new one first.
Oh, right.
Look at you. You're a
babe in the woods.
Your beginner's luck
ends this round!
Hmm.
Spirit Tower! And the
Cave of Solitude?!
Now my battle phase begins.
I activate my ancient
scholar to begin studying.
And I also move my pig
to the Cave of Solitude
so he can take a nap.
That's it? You're not attacking?
I'll attack on a different turn.
Ha! Then the seas have aligned
and the five winds waft
the smell of victory
to my palace doors!
I cast "Field of Nightmares"
and activate my
legion of ear-lings
to scare your pig to death!
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
My pig's in the
Cave of Solitude.
Um... I cast "Teleport"
to move your pig
to the empty field
so I can attack him!
Uh... wouldn't
"Teleport" only work
on your own creatures?
- You're right.
I'm gonna slay that pig, though.
How? You don't have any
creatures that can touch him.
Ugh!
Face it, man. I'm the cool guy.
Hmm...
You're the cool guy, huh?
Well, let me make it a
little hot for you, then.
I floop the volcano.
What?!
That'll destroy your
kingdom, too, won't it'?!
Hmph! Maybe Oh!
Aah!
My Pig!
♪ La, la ♪
Aah!
The pig is dead.
Now I reconstitute my cornfields
using the "Reclaim
Landscape" spell.
My Husker Knights, revive!
And I still have
my battle phase.
Hiding in the useless swamp,
the Immortal Maize Walker!
I love corn!
Ah!
Cornfields give the immortal
maize walker triple damage.
Uh...
I told you cornfields
are awesome!
Your Ancient Scholar
and Cool Dog
won't survive this time.
Actually, my Ancient
Scholar's been studying
the "Raise the Dead" ability.
- So what?
- So...
My Ancient Scholar
raises the dead.
I floop the pig.
No-o-o-o-o-o!
Look. My towefls doing a thing.
Hominy-hominy-hominy!
You ganked my Spirit Walker!
Ah!
Uh, maybe we should
take a break?
Your turn.
Huh?
You Play!
You Play!
Oh, zang.
I do not play such games...
with Jake.
Sorry! I gotta use
the boy style room.
Beemo! Beemo!
Beemo chop!
If this were a real
attack, you'd be dead.
Beemo! Jake's acting
boonoonoonoos!
Oh, no! Are you winning
the game of Card Wars?
- Yeah!
- That's terrible!
If Jake loses that game,
he gets super depressed!
When I beat him, he wouldn't
talk to me for a month!
What?!
I only played so he
wouldn't be bummed!
Finn, you must take a dive.
Okay, I'll try.
But I'm a Card Wars
super Amadeus.
Whoop!
Play... the... game.
Grob. Better make
this look good.
All right, Jake. Prepare
for my ultimo-attack!
Well, I've still got
my Wandering Bald Man.
Oh, no.
I need to get rid of my pig
so Jake can reconstitute
his cornfields.
I activate the pig
to attack your
Wandering Bald Man.
That's stupid.
Just attack with
Immortal Maize Walker
and get the game over with!
No way!
You've underestimated
me and my pig all day.
Please lose. Please lose.
No-o-o-o!
Oh-ho! Oh! Oh, yeah!
Pigs can't leave mud landscapes
once they're on them!
Ha ha ha! The pig is mine!
First, I'll play
Reclaim Landscape.
Then I cast "Summon Archer Dan."
Whoa, math...
M'boys!
You have no creatures left.
That's the game, boy!
The five winds blow through
cornfields once again
for the glory of Jakoria!
Heh. You got me.
In your face!
It's time to drink up!
It looks like you are the dweeb
and Mn the cool guy.
Is it too gross for you, man?
No, no.
I got to take what's
coming to me.
Hey, it's not that bad!
I like it!
- What?!
- You want a taste?
Ah, it's gross!
In your face, dweeb!
You look dumpy. How come?
I-Is it because of
that metal box?
Is something sad inside?
No. It's nothing.
There's lots of boxes that
have nothing in them.
But also, you could put
something in the box.
And then it won't be empty!
Does that make you feel better?
You're a charmer, Finn human.
No. It's... well...
Lady Rainicorn
doesn't want to play
the game Card Wars with me.
I always beat her.
So she says, "no
more card warring."
What's Card Wars?
It's a fantasy card game
that's super-complicated
and awesome,
but, well... oh,
it's kinda stupid.
Never mind.
How come you never
talked about it before?
It sounds cool. - Really?!
Well, I thought you'd
say it was for nerds
who do not know how life is
outside of the nerd universe.
I-it is, man.
But I still totally
want to play it.
So no more moping, okay?
Thanks, Finn.
Oh, hey, Beemo. You
want to play, too'?
No! I do not play such games...
with Jake!
- What's that mean?
- Ah, whatever.
Let's play the game!
So, what kind of
stakes do we play for?
How about the loser...
is a dweeb,
and the winner is a cool guy?
Those are good stakes.
Coffee grounds, beetle butter,
grape jelly, kimchi,
aaand this stuff.
Hey! You're ruining that
pop with weird taste!
We drink when the game is over.
Oh, gross.
Now, let me explain the rules.
That's basically the basics.
So once we have our
kingdom setup...
it's time to start to play...
for the gloryyyy!
Huh?
Hey, were you asleep?
I'll have to explain
it all over again!
Doesn't matter. Let's just play.
But if you don't know the rules,
then you're gonna lose in
the first couple rounds,
like Lady always does.
And then you'll hate the game.
And then you'll hate max'
And then, and then...
Pfft! You think
you're gonna win?
I'm gonna crush you...
Party-dance style, dweeb!
Bring it!
So, how do I get my
land on the map'?
Oh.
You, uh, floop your land cards.
Uh...
Keep those honeys hidden,
or I'll get a
strategic advantage!
Oh! Hmm...
Okay, I go first.
I floop the Silo of Truth!
Hey!
Pfft! You got really lame cards.
Hmm...
I'll take the Cerebral
Blood Storm, though.
Huh?
Okay, now it's the battle phase.
I'm attacking your schoolhouse
with my Husker Knights.
And, I'm casting
Cerebral Blood Storm.
So, what do you use to defend?
Uh... can my Cool Dog
and Ancient Scholar defeat
your Husker Knights?
Of course not!
Hmm. Then I floop the pig...
What?!
- What?
- Okay, okay.
First of all, you don't floop
a creature to make it fight.
You activate a creature.
Hmm. No!
It says I can floop the pig.
See?
No!
He's eating all my cornfields!
My Husker Knights draw
energy from corn!
And since I'm not
actually attacking,
your Cerebral Blood
Storm only does damage
to your own kingdom's troops.
You just wiped out
my entire attack!
What do you expect if all your
power units come from corn?
Pigs eat corn, dude.
Cornfields stink.
Cornfields are awesome!
What makes you think you know
so much about Card Wars?!
- It's just logic.
- Your turn.
Hmm...
You're supposed
to discard a card
and pick up a new one first.
Oh, right.
Look at you. You're a
babe in the woods.
Your beginner's luck
ends this round!
Hmm.
Spirit Tower! And the
Cave of Solitude?!
Now my battle phase begins.
I activate my ancient
scholar to begin studying.
And I also move my pig
to the Cave of Solitude
so he can take a nap.
That's it? You're not attacking?
I'll attack on a different turn.
Ha! Then the seas have aligned
and the five winds waft
the smell of victory
to my palace doors!
I cast "Field of Nightmares"
and activate my
legion of ear-lings
to scare your pig to death!
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
My pig's in the
Cave of Solitude.
Um... I cast "Teleport"
to move your pig
to the empty field
so I can attack him!
Uh... wouldn't
"Teleport" only work
on your own creatures?
- You're right.
I'm gonna slay that pig, though.
How? You don't have any
creatures that can touch him.
Ugh!
Face it, man. I'm the cool guy.
Hmm...
You're the cool guy, huh?
Well, let me make it a
little hot for you, then.
I floop the volcano.
What?!
That'll destroy your
kingdom, too, won't it'?!
Hmph! Maybe Oh!
Aah!
My Pig!
♪ La, la ♪
Aah!
The pig is dead.
Now I reconstitute my cornfields
using the "Reclaim
Landscape" spell.
My Husker Knights, revive!
And I still have
my battle phase.
Hiding in the useless swamp,
the Immortal Maize Walker!
I love corn!
Ah!
Cornfields give the immortal
maize walker triple damage.
Uh...
I told you cornfields
are awesome!
Your Ancient Scholar
and Cool Dog
won't survive this time.
Actually, my Ancient
Scholar's been studying
the "Raise the Dead" ability.
- So what?
- So...
My Ancient Scholar
raises the dead.
I floop the pig.
No-o-o-o-o-o!
Look. My towefls doing a thing.
Hominy-hominy-hominy!
You ganked my Spirit Walker!
Ah!
Uh, maybe we should
take a break?
Your turn.
Huh?
You Play!
You Play!
Oh, zang.
I do not play such games...
with Jake.
Sorry! I gotta use
the boy style room.
Beemo! Beemo!
Beemo chop!
If this were a real
attack, you'd be dead.
Beemo! Jake's acting
boonoonoonoos!
Oh, no! Are you winning
the game of Card Wars?
- Yeah!
- That's terrible!
If Jake loses that game,
he gets super depressed!
When I beat him, he wouldn't
talk to me for a month!
What?!
I only played so he
wouldn't be bummed!
Finn, you must take a dive.
Okay, I'll try.
But I'm a Card Wars
super Amadeus.
Whoop!
Play... the... game.
Grob. Better make
this look good.
All right, Jake. Prepare
for my ultimo-attack!
Well, I've still got
my Wandering Bald Man.
Oh, no.
I need to get rid of my pig
so Jake can reconstitute
his cornfields.
I activate the pig
to attack your
Wandering Bald Man.
That's stupid.
Just attack with
Immortal Maize Walker
and get the game over with!
No way!
You've underestimated
me and my pig all day.
Please lose. Please lose.
No-o-o-o!
Oh-ho! Oh! Oh, yeah!
Pigs can't leave mud landscapes
once they're on them!
Ha ha ha! The pig is mine!
First, I'll play
Reclaim Landscape.
Then I cast "Summon Archer Dan."
Whoa, math...
M'boys!
You have no creatures left.
That's the game, boy!
The five winds blow through
cornfields once again
for the glory of Jakoria!
Heh. You got me.
In your face!
It's time to drink up!
It looks like you are the dweeb
and Mn the cool guy.
Is it too gross for you, man?
No, no.
I got to take what's
coming to me.
Hey, it's not that bad!
I like it!
- What?!
- You want a taste?
Ah, it's gross!
In your face, dweeb!