According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 6, Episode 13 - The At-Bat - full transcript

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KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL.

NOW I'M GONNA THROW IT RIGHT
DOWN THE MIDDLE, NICE AND EASY.

YOU SWING WHEN I SAY SWING.
ARE YOU READY?

AND SWING!

ALL RIGHT.

WE'VE ESTABLISHED THAT
YOU CAN PLAY FOR THE CUBS.

SON, YOU'VE GOTTA UNDERSTAND.
THIS IS THE FIRST GAME

WHERE THEY'RE NOT GONNA
LET YOU USE THE TEE.

THEY'RE GONNA GIVE YOU
THREE PITCHES,

AND IF YOU MISS THEM, THEY'RE GONNA BRING
THE TEE BACK OUT. I LIKE THE TEE. IT'S EASY.

OH, YEAH? YOU KNOW WHAT
THEY'RE ALL GONNA SAY?



THEY'RE ALL GONNA SAY,

(singsong voice) "T-BALL BABY,
STICK YOUR HEAD IN GRAVY.

CAN'T HIT, BABY,
STICK YOUR HEAD IN GRAVY."

ALL RIGHT, THEY'RE A LITTLE MORE
MEAN THAN CLEVER,

BUT YOU'RE NOT GONNA LIKE IT.

MAYBE I SHOULD STAY HOME. NO, NO,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO STAY HOME, HONEY.

NO, NO, NO.
YOU'RE GONNA DO ALL RIGHT.

REALLY, YOU ARE. I'M GONNA
BE THERE. YOU KNOW WHAT?

MOM AND THE GIRLS...
WE'RE ALL GONNA BE THERE

BECAUSE WE WANT YOU
TO DO WELL.

(Cheryl) I DON'T CARE IF YOU
GIRLS THINK BASEBALL'S CRAPPY.

I HAD TO TAKE KYLE
TO PLENTY OF RECITALS,

AND TODAY IT'S YOUR TURN
TO BE MISERABLE

BECAUSE WE'RE A FAMILY,
AND THAT'S WHAT FAMILIES DO!



HEY!

THERE'S MAMA'S BOY!

CHERYL, CHERYL, CHERYL,

WE'RE TRYING TO WORK
ON THE BOY'S SWING HERE.

OH, OKAY. YOU HAVE YOUR CHOICE
OF SNACKS FOR TODAY.

YOU HAVE FUN FRUITS,
GRAPE JINGLE JUICE

OR WATER CRACKERS
WITH AN OLIVE TAPENADE. HUH?

CHERYL, I THINK YOU'RE TAKING
THIS MOMMY SNACK THING...

THEY GOT GRAPE
JINGLE JUICE? YEAH.

SINCE WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN? I DON'T
KNOW. I GUESS THEY GOT YOUR LETTER.

ALL RIGHT, SON.
YOU PRACTICE ON THAT SWING.

KEEP IT RIGHT
IN THE MIDDLE THERE.

BALL'S GONNA COME IN THE MIDDLE.
YOU'RE GONNA HIT IT,

BECAUSE WHEN YOU SMACK IT,

IT'LL BE THE BEST DAY
OF YOUR LIFE.

GO ON. KEEP PRACTICING.
GOOD BOY.

THIS IS GONNA BE
THE WORST DAY OF HIS LIFE.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
WHAT, ARE YOU BLIND?

THE KID IS TERRIBLE.
ARE YOU SURE HE'S MINE?

I'M GONNA TELL YOU
THE SAME THING I TOLD YOU

WHEN YOU CAUGHT HIM
EATING SALAD.

HE IS PROBABLY YOURS.

OH, COME ON.
IS HE REALLY THAT TERRIBLE?

OH, CHERYL,
HE IS WORSE THAN TERRIBLE.

HE'S LIKE GRACIE-DOING-BALLET
TERRIBLE.

I'M IN THE DINING ROOM,
YOU KNOW.

FINE. HE'S LIKE
RUBY-PLAYING-THE-FLUTE TERRIBLE.

I'M IN HERE, TOO.

I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO GET
BELLS FOR THOSE KIDS.

IT'S ONE GAME.
MAYBE HE'LL SURPRISE YOU.

YEAH.

(baseball bat clattering)

(Kyle) CRAP!

WELL, AT LEAST HE SWEARS
LIKE A BALLPLAYER.

♪♪♪

♪ O'ER THE LAND OF THE... ♪

(falsetto voice) ♪ FREE ♪

♪ AND THE HOME OF THE... ♪

(voice wavering) ♪ BRAVE ♪

HEY! QUIT IT!

KNOCK IT OFF!

PLAY BALL!

(chants) K-Y-L-E,
HIT A HOME RUN FOR MOMMY!

CHERYL, THAT IS L-A-M-E!

YOU'RE DRAWING ATTENTION
TO KYLE,

MY SON WHO CAN'T
HIT... "E."

OH, YOU RHYMED "E" WITH "E."
WELL DONE.

STRIKE ONE!

(sighs) THIS IS NOT
GONNA BE GOOD, HONEY.

I THINK I SHOULD
DO SOMETHING.

NO, JIM, THIS IS
KYLE'S AT BAT, NOT YOURS.

HEY, WHY DON'T YOU HAVE
SOME MORE TAPENADE, HUH?

STRIKE TWO!

CHERYL,
I NEED TO DO SOMETHING.

NO. YOU'RE THE THE ONE
WHO'S ALWAYS SAYING

HE NEEDS TO FIGHT HIS OWN BATTLES. WHY
IS IT THE ONLY TIME YOU LISTEN TO MY ADVICE

IS WHEN YOU CAN
THROW IT BACK AT ME?

(umpire) STRIKE THREE!

BRING OUT THE TEE.

(laughing)

(man laughing)
THEY'RE BRINGING OUT THE TEE.

(singsong voice) T-BALL BABY,
STICK YOUR HEAD IN GRAVY.

THIS IS NOT
GOING VERY WELL.

I'M GONNA GO TAKE A LEAK.

(grunts) WHAT?! WHAT...

ANDY, WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?

I'M NOT ANDY. I'M
ANDY'S GHOST. WHAT?!

THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M COMING TO VISIT

FROM THE FUTURE
AND THE GRAVE,

SO YOU CAN SEE
HOW KYLE TURNED OUT.

YOU... YOU'RE FROM THE FUTURE,
AND YOU'RE DEAD?

LOOK, WE DON'T HAVE TIME
FOR QUESTIONS.

YOU KNOW, THIS IS WEIRD.
I'M GONNA PEE IN THE BUSHES.

WHAT THE HELL, ANDY?
THIS...

THIS IS MY HOUSE.

YES, IT IS,
IN THE FUTURE.

COME ON. REALLY?
YOU'RE REALLY DEAD?

YEAH. I DIED TEN YEARS
AFTER THAT BASEBALL GAME.

I WAS PULLING
A BUNCH OF ORPHANS

OUT OF A BURNING BUILDING.

COME ON.

OKAY. HEART ATTACK.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
IT'S THOSE CHILI FRIES.

WHY DID GOD MAKE SOMETHING
SO BAD TASTE SO GOOD?

WHY DON'T YOU ASK HIM?

WE'RE NOT SPEAKING.

HEY, LOOK.
THERE YOU ARE...

THE FUTURE JIM.

WOW. I LOOK PRETTY GOOD,

AND CHERYL LOOKS GREAT.

HEY, HEY, THERE'S RYAN...

DANA'S PREGNANT AGAIN?

WITH THEIR SEVENTH BABY.

NOT ONE NAMED
AFTER A BELOVED UNCLE.

THEY HAVE RANDY,
SANDY, BRANDY.

I'VE GOT IT.
WHAT?

THE NAME FOR THE NEW BABY...
OKAY, OKAY, WAIT. HERE IT COMES.

SPANDY.
(gasps)

(gasps) OH, RYAN.

SPANDY... I LIKE THAT.

SPANDY?!

YEAH.

THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!
THAT'S IT. I'M HAUNTING THEM.

THERE YOU GO, JIM.

TWO SANDWICHES... JUST
LIKE EVERY DAY. MMM!

GOD, AND YOU NEVER GAIN
ANY WEIGHT.

WHAT, ARE YOU FEEDING ONE
TO ANDY'S GHOST?

(all laugh)

NO, IF THEY WERE
FOR ANDY'S GHOST,

THEY'D COME
WITH A SIDE OF CHILI FRIES.

(Cheryl and Dana laugh)

GOSH, HE WAS SO FAT!

STILL NOT OVER MY DEATH.
POOR THINGS.

OH, WELL.

WOW, LOOK AT THAT. TWO
SANDWICHES. NOT SO FAST.

OKAY, KYLE. LUNCHTIME.

IS THAT... IS THAT KYLE?
YEP.

ARE THEY GONE?

YES, THEY'RE GONE. YES.
COME ON. COME ON.

HAVE SOME LUNCH WITH ME.

26 YEARS OLD AND STILL LIVING
AT HOME IN THAT CABINET.

HE NEVER GOT OVER
BEING LAUGHED AT

WHEN THEY BROUGHT
THE TEE OUT.

WERE THEY LAUGHING
AT ME?

LIKE THAT TIME
THEY BROUGHT THE TEE OUT?

NO, NO, THEY THINK YOU'RE UP
IN ALASKA RACING SLED DOGS,

LIKE I TOLD THEM.

I LIKE DOGS.

DOGS DON'T LAUGH.

COME ON.
EAT YOUR SANDWICH.

I CAN'T.

WHY NOT?

WHAT IF SOMEONE COMES IN?
WELL, SO WHAT?

THEY MIGHT TEASE ME.

WHAT ARE THEY GONNA SAY,

ROAST BEEF BABY,
STICK YOUR HEAD IN GRAVY?

OH, GOD.

OH, I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.

THIS IS TERRIBLE.

SO I'M HIDING HIM
IN MY OWN HOUSE?

WELL, SURE.

YOU KNOW THIS IS YOUR FAULT
THAT HE'S HERE.

JUST PICK IT UP.

I CAN'T. I'LL MISS.

(sighs) FINE.

(chuckles)

IT'S SAD, ISN'T IT?

AND JUST THINK,
FIVE YEARS' TIME,

YOUR SON WILL BE DEAD.

DEAD?

I'M SORRY. DID I SAY
DEAD? I MEANT BALD. OH.

I SHOULD HAVE
DONE SOMETHING.

THE BOY NEEDED ME
THAT DAY.

AND YOU JUST SAT THERE
AND DID NOTHING.

KIND OF LIKE THE DAY
OF MY HEART ATTACK.

ACTUALLY,
YOU DID DO SOMETHING.

YOU FINISHED MY CHILI FRIES
AND PAID WITH MY CREDIT CARD.

ANDY, I GOTTA DO SOMETHING.
HELP ME.

TAKE ME BACK. LET ME...
LET ME DO SOMETHING. HELP...

NO, NO, NO. THAT'S NOT IN MY JOB DESCRIPTION.
COME ON! ANDY, YOU GOTTA HELP ME.

ALL RIGHT.
ON ONE CONDITION...

TEN YEARS FROM NOW,
AT MY FUNERAL,

NO JOKES ABOUT THE
DOUBLE-WIDE CASKET. FINE!

JUST BECAUSE I'M DEAD

DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T HAVE
FEELINGS, JIM.

(Andy) ♪ O'ER THE LAND... ♪

I'M GETTING A SECOND CHANCE.
GOOD.

(falsetto voice) ♪ FREE ♪

♪ AND THE HOME OF THE... ♪

(wavering voice) ♪ BRAVE ♪

PLAY BALL!

OH! K-Y-L-E,
HIT A HOME RUN FOR MOMMY!

QUIT, PLEASE,
THE BOY IS HITTING.

JUST SIT THERE
AND MIND YOUR KNITTING.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
WHERE YOU GOING?

I GOTTA HELP MY SON OUT.
STRIKE ONE.

I GOTTA GET HIM ON BASE.

KYLE! TIME OUT.

TIME OUT!

KYLE, COME HERE.

LISTEN, FIRST OF ALL,
HOLD THIS RIGHT.

I JUST CAN'T
HIT THAT BALL.

WE'VE ESTABLISHED THAT,

BUT THE BALL CAN HIT YOU.

YOU GET TO GO TO FIRST BASE.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

THEY DON'T HAVE
TO BRING THE TEE OUT.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
NOBODY HAS TO LAUGH AT YOU,

AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIVE

IN THE CABINET
UNDERNEATH THE STAIRS.

THAT MAKES SENSE.

YEAH. GO OUT THERE, BUDDY.

THATTABOY.

OOH!

(gasps)

(Jim) THATTABOY, KYLE!

THAT'S MY BOY!
WHAT A TOUGH BOY.

WHAT A TOUGH BOY!

(laughs)

WHY DON'T YOUR STICK
YOUR HEAD IN GRAVY?

JERK.

COME ON!

ANDY. OKAY,
TAKE ME TO THE FUTURE.

SHOW ME WHAT A GREAT MAN
KYLE TURNS OUT TO BE.

OH, JAMES.

OH, SWEET,
INNOCENT, STUPID JAMES.

WHAT'S THIS?

YOUR SON AT WORK.

WELL, THIS ISN'T SO BAD.
HE WORKS WITH KIDS.

HE'S A LOSER.

A BIG LOSER.

AND THAT'S COMING
FROM A GUY

WHO WAS BURIED
IN A HARRY POTTER COSTUME.

IS EVERYBODY HAVING FUN?
(children) YEAH!

WHO'S READY
TO HIT THE PIÑATA?

(children) WE ARE!

WHAT WAS THAT?

(children) NOSOTROS!

ALL RIGHT.

HIT THE PIÑATA HARD ENOUGH,

AND I WILL DROP THE CANDY!

HIT HIM HARDER!

HARDER! (Jim) WAIT,
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

HARDER!

THIS IS WHAT HE IS?
HE'S A HUMAN PIÑATA?!

HE LEARNED AT A YOUNG AGE

THE BEST WAY TO SUCCEED
WAS TO GET HIT,

AND JUST THINK,

IN TEN YEARS' TIME,
YOUR SON WILL BE GAY.

GAY?

OH, DID I SAY GAY?
I MEANT LIVING IN OHIO.

WHY DO I KEEP DOING THAT?

COME ON. LET'S GO BACK
IN THE TIME TOILET.

(Andy)
♪ O'ER THE LAND OF THE... ♪

(falsetto voice) ♪ FREE ♪

♪ AND THE HOME OF THE... ♪

(voice wavering) ♪ BRAVE ♪

THROW THIS INSTEAD.

(grunts)

(applause)

(coughs)

PLAY BALL!

I'M GONNA GO TALK TO HIM.
WHOA. WHERE YOU GOING?

LOOK, IF WHAT YOUR DEAD BROTHER
SAID IN THE JOHN IS CORRECT,

OUR BOY BECOMES A PIÑATA.

WOW. I GUESS THEY'RE BACK
TO SELLING DOLLAR BEERS

AT THE CONCESSION STAND.

YOU KNOW, MAMA IS THIRSTY.

(Jim) TIME OUT! TIME OUT!
TIME OUT!

KYLE, COME HERE. COME HERE,
SON. OKAY, SON. ALL RIGHT.

FIRST OF ALL, SWITCH YOUR HANDS
LIKE WE PRACTICED.

KYLE, LISTEN TO ME.
YOU HAVE TO MURDER THAT BALL.

YOU CAN'T LET
THAT PITCHER BEAT YOU.

THIS GUY IS YOUR ENEMY.

SHOW NO MERCY WITH HIM.

DO YOU HEAR ME?

SURE DO, DAD.

(screaming)

NO, KYLE! NO!

(children shouting)

ATTABOY, KYLE!
KICK HIM IN THE NADS!

I'LL JUST BE IN THE BATHROOM.

GONNA GO... TO THE BATHROOM.

OKAY. WHERE AM I NOW?

YOU'LL SEE.

JIM,
I COME TO YOU ON THIS,

THE DAY OF YOUR DAUGHTER
GRACIE'S WEDDING,

TO ASK YOU THIS FAVOR.

PLEASE...

PLEASE RETURN MY LAWN MOWER.

(as Marlon Brando's
Don Corleone) THIS I CANNOT DO.

WHY AM I
TALKING LIKE THAT?

YOU JUST HAD
DENTAL SURGERY,

AND THEY HAVEN'T
TAKEN THE PACKING OUT.

BUT, JIM...
HE SAID HE CAN'T DO IT!

(chuckles nervously)

KYLE, MY SON,

WHO TAUGHT YOU THIS...

THIS DISRESPECT?

YOU DID, POP.

ME?

YEAH, AT T-BALL
WHEN I WHACKED THAT PITCHER.

KYLE...

THIS IS FAMILY.

THIS IS YOUR UNCLE.

THIS IS MY ENEMY.

HE'S CHOOSING THE LAWN MOWER
OVER THE FAMILY!

BUT, KYLE, IT'S SUMMER,
AND THE GRASS... IT GROWS.

KYLE, WHAT DID YOU DO?

KYLE!

KYLE, KYLE, KYLE!

KYLE.

KYLE,
WE HAVE TWO LAWN MOWERS.

(Jim) HE'S A MANIAC!

AND JUST THINK, IN A FEW YEARS,
HE'LL BE IN PRISON.

PRISON?!

OH, DID I SAY PRISON?
I'M SORRY. I MEANT...

NO, NO, NO.
PRISON'S RIGHT.

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

YOU'VE KILLED YOUR UNCLE.

WHAT ARE YOU, A SNITCH?

DO WE HAVE
A PROBLEM HERE?

I'M GOOD.

(knock on door)

OH, MY GOD.
IT'S THE COPS.

BRING IT ON.

WAIT, WHAT ARE
YOU... KYLE! KYLE! KYLE.

(shell casings fall to floor)

(Italian accent)
I'S-A JUST COMING TO TELL YOU

THAT THEY'RE CUTTING THE CAKE.

KYLE!

YOU KILLED ANOTHER UNCLE.

I GOTTA DO SOMETHING.
I GOTTA TURN THIS AROUND.

ANDY, TAKE ME BACK!
TAKE ME BACK! OKAY.

I GOTTA DO...
I GOTTA DO SOMETHING!

(Andy)
♪ O'ER THE LAND OF THE... ♪

(falsetto voice) ♪ FREE ♪

♪ AND THE HOME OF THE... ♪

BRAVE.
(umpire) PLAY BALL.

DAMN IT!
TIME!

(Cheryl) K-Y-L-E, HIT A HOME
RUN FOR MOMMY! COME HERE.

COME HERE.

KYLE, I'VE GOT TO TURN
THIS THING AROUND.

COME HERE.

YEAH. THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT.
JUST GIVE IT A TRY, ALL RIGHT?

OH, YES!

GO! GO!

A LEFTY. YOU'RE A LEFTY!

YES! YES!

GO! RUN! RUN! COME ON!
RUN! RUN! RUN!

(Jim) WAY TO GO!

COME ON, KYLE.
COME ON... KYLE!

KYLE, OH, MY SON,
YOU DID IT. YOU DID IT.

YOU DID IT. YOU HIT THE BALL.
YOU TURNED OUT GREAT.

I WOULD'VE TURNED OUT GREAT
NO MATTER WHAT. YOU KNOW WHY?

SUPERIOR GENETICS, RIGHT?

'CAUSE OF ALL THE COOL STUFF
YOU DID WITH ME.

REALLY? YEAH. AFTER THIS
GAME, YOU TAKE ME TO ICE CREAM.

THAT'S WHAT YOU REMEMBER
IS ICE CREAM?

YOU KIDS WITH THE SUGAR.
IT'S REALLY GOOD ICE CREAM.

I KNOW. WELL, UNCLE ANDY
WENT BACK FOR THIRDS,

AND YOU'VE REALLY GOTTA TALK TO HIM
ABOUT... I'M GONNA TALK TO HIM ABOUT THAT.

OKAY. BUT DON'T... DON'T TRY
TO TELL ME THAT THIS AT BAT,

IT CHANGED YOUR LIFE.
THIS HAD TO BE A TURNING POINT.

I DON'T REMEMBER
ONE BIG TURNING POINT.

I REMEMBER YOU AT MY GAMES,
TAKING ME CAMPING.

ONCE YOU DRESSED UP
AS A PIÑATA

AND LET ME AND MY FRIENDS
BEAT YOU WITH A BAT.

(laughs) I DID THAT?

YEAH. YOU WERE THE ONE
WHO NOTICED I WAS LEFT-HANDED.

OH, SON, YOU KNOW WHAT
IT'S LIKE AS A PARENT.

I MEAN,
ALL YOU THINK ABOUT IS...

THESE BIG TURNING POINTS
IN YOUR CHILD'S LIFE,

AND IF YOU DON'T HIT IT RIGHT,
THINGS ARE GONNA CHANGE,

AND IT WON'T...

DAD, DAD, DAD, DAD, DAD.

YOU WERE THERE FOR ME,
EVERY STEP OF THE WAY.

YOU'RE A GREAT DAD.

OKAY.

OKAY.

OKAY, DAD,
IF YOU DON'T PUT ME DOWN,

THEY'RE GONNA THROW ME OUT
AT HOME. YEAH, NO. GO, GO, GO.

GO, GO!

GO, KYLE, GO! YES!

SAFE!
(crowd cheering)

LEFTY, YOU'RE A LEFTY!
YOU DID IT!

ALL RIGHT! HA HA!

(singsong voice) I'M A GOOD DAD,
I'M A GOOD DAD.

STICK YOUR HEAD IN GRAVY.

OH, RYAN,
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT.

THE KID WAS GREAT!
HE HAD SIX HITS!

SIX? I'M SO SORRY
WE MISSED THAT.

OH. YEAH, I THOUGHT
IT WAS JUST GONNA BE

LIKE ONE OF THE GIRLS'
CRAPPY RECITALS. YEAH.

HEY!
WE'RE RIGHT HERE!

YOU KNOW, THEY EVEN GAVE KYLE
THE GAME BALL.

THAT'S GREAT, SON.
THAT'S SO GREAT.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH THAT? I WANNA
GIVE IT TO SOMEONE FOR HELPING ME OUT TODAY.

OH, SON. THAT IS FABULOUS.
THANK YOU, BUT...

HERE YOU GO, MOMMY.

(gasps) KYLE!

OH, MY GOD.
I'M GONNA CRY. COME HERE.

OH. MWAH.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I AM GONNA GO MAKE YOU
A SPECIAL FIRST HIT CAKE.

SORRY, DADDY,

BUT I NEEDED THE BALL
TO GET ME A CAKE.

THAT'S MY BOY.

OH, I CAN'T GET ENOUGH
OF THESE CHILI FRIES.

I SWEAR, THEY'RE GONNA BE
THE DEATH OF ME.

ANDY, ANDY, ANDY, WHAT DO YOU
SAY YOU PUT THAT DOWN,

WE GO OUT FOR A SALAD?

YEAH, RIGHT. WHAT'S NEXT?

JOIN A GYM
AND START EXERCISING?

MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS,
CREEP.

LEFT ARM FEELS KINDA NUMB.

MUST'VE SLEPT ON IT FUNNY.

YEAH.
OH!

BY THE WAY, JIM,

DO YOU THINK I COULD GET
MY LAWN MOWER BACK?

(sighs) THIS I CANNOT DO.

BUT, JIM, YOU'VE GOT TWO
OF 'EM.

HE SAID HE CAN'T DO IT!

I'LL GIVE YOU
THE LAWN MOWER BACK.