According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 6, Episode 12 - Coach Jim - full transcript
When Jim is coerced into coaching his daughters' basketball team, he turns into one of his idols, Mike Ditka, even though it means one of his girls quits to play for an opposing team.
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---
YOU THINK
YOU'RE IN MY HEAD NOW.
WELL, YOU'RE NOT!
YOU ARE GOING DOWN.
GET... IN... THERE,
YOU... STUPID... JUICE BAG.
AAH!
THAT'S SOME GOOD JUICE.
AHH.
WE'RE OUT OF BEER.
♪♪♪
OH, BABY!
COME ON, GIRLS.
GREAT PASS.
GOOD JOB.
LET'S GO, HUMMINGBIRDS.
(buzzer)
OH, AND THAT'S A
FINAL, PEOPLE. YEAH.
THE TURTLES TROUNCE
THE HUMMINGBIRDS 25 TO 7.
JIM, HOW DOES IT FEEL
THAT YOUR WIFE
LED YOUR DAUGHTERS
TO A HUMILIATING DEFEAT?
OH!
REAL FUNNY, JIM.
GIVE ME A HAND. I'M STUCK.
SERIOUSLY, I'M STUCK!
OKAY, TERRIFIC GAME
BY BOTH TEAMS.
HOW DOES EVERYBODY FEEL?
(all) GOOD!
AND WE FEEL GOOD BECAUSE...
(all) WE HAD FUN!
AND?
(all) WE TRIED HARD!
YOU DID TRY HARD.
NOW LET'S EVERYBODY
GO OVER AND GET A SNACK,
SOME REFRESHING JUICE
AND...
YOUR... TROPHY!
(all) YAY!
I THINK SHE HAD A LITTLE
REFRESHING JUICE HERSELF.
OH...
OKAY. NOW I WANT
EVERYONE OVER HERE
TO FORM A PRAISE CIRCLE.
A WHAT CIRCLE?
PRAISE CIRCLE.
I WANT EVERYONE TO SAY
ONE POSITIVE THING
ABOUT A TEAMMATE.
THIS IS GONNA BE QUICK.
GRACIE, THAT WAS A REALLY
GOOD SHOT. THANK YOU.
IN THE OPPONENT'S BASKET.
WOULD YOU LIGHTEN UP?
NO.
ISN'T IT ENOUGH THAT THE GIRLS
ARE INTERESTED IN BASKETBALL?
CHERYL, I DON'T SEE
BASKETBALL OUT THERE.
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE I'M OLD-FASHIONED,
BUT IN MY AMERICA,
WINNERS ARE WINNERS
AND LOSERS HOLD GRUDGES,
NOT HANDS.
NOW REMEMBER, WE'RE ALL...
(all) NUMBER ONE!
PUT THAT DOWN.
GUESS WHAT?
WE'RE GONNA BE
IN THE WNBA WHEN WE GROW UP.
AND THEN
WE'RE GOING TO BE
FAMOUS TENNIS PLAYERS
WHO DESIGN CLOTHES.
OH, YEAH? MOMMY'S GONNA
HAVE A GLASS OF WINE.
YOU KNOW, GIRLS,
THOSE ARE MIGHTY BIG DREAMS.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO WORK
INCREDIBLY HARD TO ATTAIN THEM.
WORKING HARD? PASS.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
COME HERE, GIRLS, COME HERE.
LET ME TELL YOU
A LITTLE STORY
ABOUT A GIRL ABOUT YOUR AGE,
AND HER FIRST TENNIS LESSON.
SHE ANNOUNCED RIGHT AWAY
THAT SHE WAS GONNA BE
THE BEST TENNIS PLAYER
IN THE WHOLE WORLD,
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
SHE WORKED INCREDIBLY HARD
UNTIL SHE BECAME NUMBER ONE.
AND THAT GIRL'S NAME?
BILLIE JEAN KING.
SHE GOT SO FAMOUS
THAT MICHAEL JACKSON
EVEN WROTE A SONG ABOUT HER.
DO YOU GUYS
SMELL SOMETHING BURNING?
OUR CAKE!
OH, OH, MAN.
DIDN'T YOU GUYS SET A TIMER?
I GUESS WE FORGOT.
UGH.
BUT WE HAD FUN
MAKING THE CAKE. AND?
WE TRIED REALLY HARD.
CHERYL,
YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.
YOU'RE KIDDING ME
WITH THIS ATTITUDE, RIGHT?
THIS ATTITUDE
HAS GOTTA STOP, CHERYL.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
IF I BUILT A BUILDING AND MY
MISTAKE CAUSED IT TO BURN DOWN,
WOULD ANYBODY HIGH-FIVE ME?
I SEEM TO REMEMBER ANDY
HIGH-FIVING YOU
WHEN THE YUGOLINI'S DECK
MYSTERIOUSLY BURNED DOWN
AFTER THEIR CHECK BOUNCED.
I'M NOT THE ONE
ON TRIAL HERE, CHERYL.
WHAT THEY'RE LEARNING
AT BASKETBALL
IS KILLING MY CHILDREN,
AND MORE IMPORTANTLY,
KILLING THE SPORT.
IS THIS ABOUT THE CAKE?
PARTIALLY,
BUT IT'S ALSO ABOUT
THIS FEEL-GOOD SELF-ESTEEM
CRAP GOING ON, HONEY.
THEY CAN'T HAVE
TOO MUCH SELF-ESTEEM.
CHERYL, SELF-ESTEEM
IS ALL OVER THE PLACE.
COME ON. THEY GET IT AT BALLET.
THEY GET IT AT SCHOOL.
24 HOURS A DAY
FROM NOON TO NIGHT,
THEY ARE TOLD
HOW WONDERFUL THEY ARE.
THESE KIDS HAVE TO BE
TAKEN DOWN A PEG.
YOU KNOW WHAT, JIM?
THAT'S A VERY GOOD POINT.
TONIGHT,
INSTEAD OF A BEDTIME STORY,
WE'LL READ THEM
A LIST OF THEIR FLAWS.
THAT'S A START.
I GOT IT. YOU KNOW WHAT?
I SHOULD COACH.
NO, NO, NO!
NO, I'M GONNA TAKE OVER RUBY
AND GRACIE'S BASKETBALL TEAM.
NO, I CAN COACH 'EM.
IT'S FINE. THE GIRLS HAVE FUN.
NO. CHERYL...
HMM?
SPORTS AREN'T ABOUT FUN.
THEY'RE ABOUT
OVERCOMING OBSTACLES,
WORKING AS A TEAM
AND BEING ABLE
TO SAY COOL THINGS LIKE,
"HOW DID THAT TASTE, LOSER?"
NO, NO, NO, NO.
THAT'S IT.
I'M TAKING OVER THE TEAM.
AND YOU... YOU...
GET STARTED
ON ANOTHER CAKE.
(speed-dials telephone)
DANA, IT'S ME.
IT TOOK ME A WHOLE GAME...
(singsong voice) BUT I GOT JIM
TO TAKE OVER AS COACH.
(whistle blows)
ALL RIGHT,
HUMMINGBIRDS, LISTEN UP.
WE ARE NO LONGER GONNA
BE PLAYING SOFT, SQUISHY
EVERYBODY-GETS-A-HUG
BASKETBALL.
FROM NOW ON WE'RE GONNA BE
PLAYING OLD SCHOOL,
HARD-NOSED
WINNING BASKETBALL.
YOU'RE GONNA WORK HARDER
THAN YOU'VE EVER WORKED BEFORE.
YES, JAMI?
I WORKED LAST SUMMER
ON MY GRANDPA'S FARM.
OKAY, THE FIVE OF YOU
ARE GONNA WORK REALLY HARD,
AND, JAMI, YOU'RE GONNA WORK
AS HARD AS YOU DID LAST SUMMER.
YES, JAMI.
BUT I MOSTLY MADE COOKIES
WITH MY GRANDMA.
JAMI...
WE'RE GONNA NEED
A LITTLE LESS TALKING.
ALL RIGHT.
AT YOUR LAST GAME,
YOU DIDN'T MAKE
VERY MANY BASKETS, DID YOU?
BUT WE GOT THE SAME TROPHY
AS THE TURTLES.
YEAH, SO WHAT DIFFERENCE
DOES IT MAKE?
I'LL TELL YOU THE DIFFERENCE...
TABITHA.
YOU DIDN'T EARN IT.
THEY JUST GAVE IT TO YOU.
WITH ME,
YOU'RE GONNA EARN EVERYTHING.
DAD?
I MEAN, COACH?
I THOUGHT WE WERE HERE
TO HAVE FUN
AND TRY OUR BEST.
WELL...
MAYBE YOU CAN TRY YOUR BEST
AT RUNNING AROUND THE GYM!
DO A LAP!
GO! COME ON.
COME ON. COME ON.
TRYING IS DYING.
DOING IS EVERYTHING.
MM-HMM. 'CAUSE WE ALL KNOW
NICE GIRLS FINISH...
NICE?
NO.
PRETTY!
NO.
PONIES LIKE
ON MY GRANDPA'S FARM?
THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE
ANY SENSE. I CAN'T DO THIS, JIM.
EASY, COACH, EASY.
CAN WE HAVE A TREAT NOW?
WHAT'S THAT?
CAN WE HAVE A TREAT NOW?
YOU KNOW WHAT, YUGOLINI?
YOU BEEN GETTING ON MY NERVES
SINCE GIDDYAP.
TAKE A LAP.
AND TELL YOUR OLD MAN
TO PAY HIS DEBTS.
(giggling)
JAMI, WHAT ARE YOU
LAUGHING AT?
YOU. YOU'RE FUNNY.
I AM NOT FUNNY.
I AM STERN AND INSPIRING.
SAY, "YABBA-DABBA-DOO."
YABBA-DABBA-DOO
ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY, LET'S GO
TO THE FREE THROW LINE.
COME ON. I WANNA SEE
SOME HUSTLE. HUSTLE!
AND, GRACIE, WHY ARE YOU
NOT HUSTLING?
COME ON, DAD.
WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT HERE?
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT PRACTICE,
NOT THE GAME.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT PRACTICE.
I MEAN, PRACTICE.
NOT THE GAME
THAT I'D DIE FOR.
I MEAN, WE'RE TALKING
ABOUT PRACTICE.
NOW VISUALIZE
THE BALL GOING IN.
GRACIE, BEND AT THE KNEES.
FOLLOW THROUGH.
KEEP YOUR WRIST
NICE AND LOOSE.
YOU HAVE TO MAKE
FREE THROWS TO BE A WINNER.
SHAQ DOESN'T MAKE FREE THROWS,
AND HE'S A WINNER.
YOU KNOW WHAT, JAMI?
YOU'RE VERY CUTE.
LET'S SEE HOW CUTE YOU ARE
AFTER FIVE LAPS!
MOVE IT!
GET HER, COACH, GET HER!
COME ON, GRACIE.
GRACIE, WHEN YOU'RE ON MY TEAM,
YOU GOTTA WORK HARD.
RUBY.
GOOD JOB.
(whistle blows)
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT
FOR PRACTICE. BALLS IN.
LET'S GO.
JERKS!
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
COME ON, COME ON.
GET IN THE CENTER HERE.
LET'S GO. COME ON.
COME ON.
NOW FORM A CIRCLE HERE.
GOODY,
I LOVE PRAISE CIRCLE.
WELL, I HATE IT.
THIS IS GONNA BE CALLED
THE TRUTH CIRCLE.
EACH ONE OF YOU ARE GONNA TELL
ONE OF YOUR TEAMMATES
EXACTLY WHAT THEY DID WRONG.
RUBY, GO.
GRACIE, YOU CAN'T MAKE
A FREE THROW TO SAVE YOUR LIFE.
EXCELLENT.
YOU STOLE MY BOYFRIEND.
OKAY, LET'S KEEP THIS
ABOUT BASKETBALL.
WHOA, NOT SO FAST.
LET'S HEAR THE DISH.
(Jim) AH, GAME DAY.
THAT IS A HUMMINGBIRD.
YEAH, DECIDED TO SPRING
FOR NEW UNIFORMS.
CAN WE GO NOW?
I WANNA GET THERE EARLY
SO WE CAN PRACTICE FREE THROWS.
OH!
SHE WANTS TO PRACTICE
FREE THROWS.
MM-HMM.
DO YOU BELIEVE IT?
I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE THAT
YOU SPRUNG FOR NEW UNIFORMS.
GRACIE, COME ON! LET'S GO!
WOW, YOU LOOK GREAT.
YOU LOOK SO TOUGH.
COME ON. I WANNA SEE THOSE ARMS.
LET ME SEE THOSE ARMS.
THAT'S IT. BUT... WHAT...
WHAT... WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
MY UNIFORM.
THAT'S NOT YOUR UNIFORM.
YEAH, I'M PLAYING
FOR THE LAMBCHOPS NOW.
(clears throat)
UH, HONEY, WHY?
BECAUSE THEY JUST
PLAY FOR FUN. OH!
RUBY, SWEETIE, WHY DON'T YOU
GO WAIT IN THE CAR?
UM, GRACIE, MAYBE YOU WANT
TO TALK TO YOUR DAD
ABOUT SWITCHING TEAMS.
YOU KNOW WHAT, CHERYL?
THAT'D BE OKAY
IF I TALK TO THE ENEMY,
BUT PHIL JACKSON,
MIKE DITKA AND ME...
WE DON'T DO THAT.
WHY DON'T YOU TELL GRACIE
SHE SHOULD HEAD
TO THE REC CENTER?
'CAUSE IT'S A LONG WALK.
IS THERE A PROBLEM?
PROBLEM?
NO, IT'S NOT A PROBLEM.
YOU DON'T WANT TO PLAY
ON MY TEAM, YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
GO FIND YOURSELF
ANOTHER TEAM.
YEAH, KINDA ALREADY DID.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.
COME ON!
YOUR DAUGHTER
JUST QUIT YOUR TEAM.
NO, CHERYL, MY DAUGHTER CARRIES
A BASKETBALL AROUND WITH HER
AND WANTS TO PRACTICE
ALL THE TIME.
YOUR DAUGHTER
JUST QUIT MY TEAM.
HONEY...
NO, CHERYL, SHE QUIT!
COME ON.
YOU KNOW GRACIE ACTS TOUGH,
BUT SHE'S REALLY SENSITIVE.
MAYBE SHE JUST NEEDS
SOME ATTENTION.
ATTENTION?
YEAH.
COME ON. I YELLED AT HER TWICE
AS MUCH AS THE REST OF THE TEAM.
MAYBE SHE NEEDS
A DIFFERENT KIND OF ATTENTION.
THANK YOU.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
AND YOU CAN GIVE HER
THAT ATTENTION
WHILE YOU BOTH WALK
TO THE REC CENTER.
WE ARE LIVE FROM
BUKINIK MUNICIPAL REC CENTER
FOR THIS TITANIC CLASH
BETWEEN THE LAMBCHOPS
AND THE HUMMINGBIRDS.
IT'S A FRENZIED CROWD
OF ABOUT...
15.
THIS PRE-GAME SHOW IS
BROUGHT TO YOU BY KARMELKORN.
IF YOU CAN FIND
A BETTER-TASTING
CANDY-COATED VEGETABLE,
EAT IT.
NOW GRACIE IS PLAYING
FOR THE LAMBCHOPS,
SO I NEED TO FIND A WAY
TO ROOT FOR BOTH TEAMS AT ONCE.
THERE AREN'T
15 PEOPLE HERE.
DID HE COUNT ME TWICE
BECAUSE I'M FAT?
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE WELCOME THE LAMBCHOPS...
(cheering)
AND THE HUMMINGBIRDS.
(ominous music playing)
GO... BOTH TEAMS EQUALLY!
ALL RIGHT, LISTEN UP NOW.
NOW THERE'S TWO KINDS OF PEOPLE
OUT IN THE WORLD...
WINNERS AND LOSERS...
AND WHAT ARE WE?
(girls) HUMMINGBIRDS!
I WAS LOOKING FOR "WINNERS,"
BUT THAT'LL DO.
NOW I WANT YOU
TO GET OUT THERE,
AND I WANT YOU
TO KICK... SOME... BUTTS!
GO!
BUTT, BUTT,
KICK SOME BUTT.
BUTT, BUTT,
KICK SOME BUTT.
(Andy)
HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO!
THE TEAMS HEAD OUT
FOR THE OPENING TIP-OFF.
HAVE A GOOD GAME, GRACIE.
THANKS.
(Andy) HO, HO, HO!
FOR THOSE OF YOU
WHO DON'T SPEAK SUBTEXT,
COACH JIM
JUST CALLED GRACIE OUT.
HER RESPONSE?
"IT'S GO TIME, OLD MAN."
(Jim) COME ON, COME ON,
LET'S GO, LET'S GO, LET'S GO.
PASS THAT BALL,
PASS THAT BALL.
(shouting and cheering)
WAY TO GO, WAY TO GO,
WAY TO GO!
NO, NO, NO! JAMI, WRONG BASKET,
WRONG BASKET!
TURN AROUND, JAMI,
TURN AROUND!
COME ON! COME ON, GIRL!
COME ON!
COME ON, GIRL!
TABITHA, TABITHA!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH
THE LIP GLOSS? THE LIP GLOSS!
OKAY, NOW IT LOOKS JUST WEIRD.
COME ON. EVEN IT OUT.
NOW THE BOTTOM LIP.
THE BOTTOM LIP!
TAKE THE BALL DOWN, JAMI!
GRAB THE BALL! GO!
ATTACK THE BALL!
BUT BE POLITE!
(whistle blows)
(referee) FOUL ONE.
OH, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THAT WAS OUR BALL!
COME ON. THEY'RE 10 YEARS OLD!
LET 'EM PLAY.
LET 'EM PLAY! AH, COME ON!
COME ON! WHAT ARE...
(muttering)
THAT'S RIDIC...
UHH!
COME ON, COME ON.
HEY, HEY, HEY!
DID SOMEBODY DROP SOMETHING?
OH, A FRIENDSHIP BRACELET.
RUBY, GO. TAKE THAT BALL DOWN.
BUT THAT MIGHT BE MY BRACELET.
IT'S A LIFESAVER ON A RUBBER BAND. GO!
COME ON, COME ON.
YES! YES! THAT'S WINNING
BASKETBALL! (whistle blows)
AND WITH TIME RUNNING OUT,
THE SCORE REMAINS TIED.
GRACIE BRINGS THE BALL
UP THE COURT.
SHE DRIVES TO THE HOOP...
(whistle blows, buzzer)
OH! SHE DRAWS A FOUL
WITH NO TIME LEFT.
RUBY FOULS HER SISTER,
SENDING HER TO THE LINE
WITH A CHANCE TO WIN IT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
IF THEY MAKE A FREE THROW,
THEY WIN THE GAME.
I DID IT ON PURPOSE.
WHY?
GRACIE STINKS
AT FREE THROWS.
WE'RE ALL THINKING IT.
I'LL SAY IT.
THAT'S POOR COACHING.
FOR... FOR THE LAMBCHOPS,
OF COURSE.
WHO CALLED TIME-OUT?
THIS RECAP BROUGHT TO YOU
BY POTATO CHIPS.
EVEN THE LITTLE DUST
AT THE BOTTOM OF THE BAG
TASTES GOOD.
HEY, COACH?
YEAH.
I JUST WANTED TO POINT OUT
THAT THE TEAM
THAT WORKS HARD AND HAS
DISCIPLINE HAS 18 POINTS,
AND THE TEAM THAT HAS FUN
HAS 18 POINTS.
THE GAME'S NOT OVER,
BLONDIE.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
DISCIPLINE ALWAYS PAYS OFF
AT CRUNCH TIME.
DOES CRUNCH TIME MEAN
WE GET PEANUT BRITTLE?
TAKE A LAP?
DON'T WORRY, DAD. THIS IS
GRACIE'S WORST NIGHTMARE.
SHE SAID SHE'D NEVER, EVER
WANT TO SHOOT FREE THROWS
WITH THE GAME ON THE LINE
AND YOU WATCHING.
OF COURSE NOT. SHE JUST...
WITH ME WATCHING?
(whistle blows)
SOUNDS LIKE
GRACIE'S WORST NIGHTMARE
IS DISAPPOINTING HER FATHER.
(Andy) GRACIE, ALL ALONE...
WITH TWO SHOTS AND A CHANCE
TO WIN IT FOR THE LAMBCHOPS.
COME ON, BABY.
♪ AIR BALL ♪
EVERYBODY!
♪ AIR BALL... ♪
JERK!
NO... GIVE IT BACK.
OH.
TIME-OUT! (blows whistle)
GRACIE, COME HERE.
WHAT?
NOW LISTEN, GRACIE.
I WANT TO TALK TO YOU
AS YOUR DADDY,
NOT AS A BASKETBALL COACH.
DOESN'T MATTER TO ME
IF YOU MAKE THIS SHOT
OR MISS IT.
OKAY?
I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT YOU'RE A GREAT KID,
THIS IS
JUST A BASKETBALL GAME
AND THAT I LOVE YOU
VERY MUCH.
SO JUST HAVE FUN...
AND TRY HARD.
(basketball bouncing)
(Andy) GRACIE GETS SET
FOR HER SECOND SHOT.
SHE COULD PROBABLY USE
SOME SILENCE RIGHT NOW.
(cheering)
LAMBCHOPS WIN! HOLY COW!
HOW'S THAT TASTE, LOSER?
NEVER BEEN PROUDER.
GO ON. ENJOY YOUR WIN.
(sighs) ALL RIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
THIS IS A LESSON TO ALL OF US.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT LESSON IS?
I'VE BEEN TOO EASY ON YA.
COME ON, LAPS!
FIVE LAPS, LET'S GO.
SHAKE THAT THING. SHAKE IT,
SHAKE IT, SHAKE IT!
AND, REF, YOU TAKE A LAP, TOO.
YOU SUCKED TODAY.
SORRY YOU DIDN'T WIN,
COACH.
DON'T WORRY.
I WON.
COME ON.
YOU RUN A LAP, TOO.
HEY. NICE JOB
ON THE PLAY-BY-PLAY.
OH, THANKS. YOU DIDN'T MIND
ALL THE FOOD REFERENCES?
'CAUSE SEE,
THAT WAS MY WAY OF SAYING
HOW GIGANTIC YOU'VE GOTTEN.
AH. NO, I THOUGHT
IT WAS FUNNY.
YEAH. (laughs)
JOIN US
FOR OUR POSTGAME SHOW,
BROUGHT TO YOU
BY MY FAT-ASS SISTER.
---
YOU THINK
YOU'RE IN MY HEAD NOW.
WELL, YOU'RE NOT!
YOU ARE GOING DOWN.
GET... IN... THERE,
YOU... STUPID... JUICE BAG.
AAH!
THAT'S SOME GOOD JUICE.
AHH.
WE'RE OUT OF BEER.
♪♪♪
OH, BABY!
COME ON, GIRLS.
GREAT PASS.
GOOD JOB.
LET'S GO, HUMMINGBIRDS.
(buzzer)
OH, AND THAT'S A
FINAL, PEOPLE. YEAH.
THE TURTLES TROUNCE
THE HUMMINGBIRDS 25 TO 7.
JIM, HOW DOES IT FEEL
THAT YOUR WIFE
LED YOUR DAUGHTERS
TO A HUMILIATING DEFEAT?
OH!
REAL FUNNY, JIM.
GIVE ME A HAND. I'M STUCK.
SERIOUSLY, I'M STUCK!
OKAY, TERRIFIC GAME
BY BOTH TEAMS.
HOW DOES EVERYBODY FEEL?
(all) GOOD!
AND WE FEEL GOOD BECAUSE...
(all) WE HAD FUN!
AND?
(all) WE TRIED HARD!
YOU DID TRY HARD.
NOW LET'S EVERYBODY
GO OVER AND GET A SNACK,
SOME REFRESHING JUICE
AND...
YOUR... TROPHY!
(all) YAY!
I THINK SHE HAD A LITTLE
REFRESHING JUICE HERSELF.
OH...
OKAY. NOW I WANT
EVERYONE OVER HERE
TO FORM A PRAISE CIRCLE.
A WHAT CIRCLE?
PRAISE CIRCLE.
I WANT EVERYONE TO SAY
ONE POSITIVE THING
ABOUT A TEAMMATE.
THIS IS GONNA BE QUICK.
GRACIE, THAT WAS A REALLY
GOOD SHOT. THANK YOU.
IN THE OPPONENT'S BASKET.
WOULD YOU LIGHTEN UP?
NO.
ISN'T IT ENOUGH THAT THE GIRLS
ARE INTERESTED IN BASKETBALL?
CHERYL, I DON'T SEE
BASKETBALL OUT THERE.
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE I'M OLD-FASHIONED,
BUT IN MY AMERICA,
WINNERS ARE WINNERS
AND LOSERS HOLD GRUDGES,
NOT HANDS.
NOW REMEMBER, WE'RE ALL...
(all) NUMBER ONE!
PUT THAT DOWN.
GUESS WHAT?
WE'RE GONNA BE
IN THE WNBA WHEN WE GROW UP.
AND THEN
WE'RE GOING TO BE
FAMOUS TENNIS PLAYERS
WHO DESIGN CLOTHES.
OH, YEAH? MOMMY'S GONNA
HAVE A GLASS OF WINE.
YOU KNOW, GIRLS,
THOSE ARE MIGHTY BIG DREAMS.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO WORK
INCREDIBLY HARD TO ATTAIN THEM.
WORKING HARD? PASS.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
COME HERE, GIRLS, COME HERE.
LET ME TELL YOU
A LITTLE STORY
ABOUT A GIRL ABOUT YOUR AGE,
AND HER FIRST TENNIS LESSON.
SHE ANNOUNCED RIGHT AWAY
THAT SHE WAS GONNA BE
THE BEST TENNIS PLAYER
IN THE WHOLE WORLD,
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
SHE WORKED INCREDIBLY HARD
UNTIL SHE BECAME NUMBER ONE.
AND THAT GIRL'S NAME?
BILLIE JEAN KING.
SHE GOT SO FAMOUS
THAT MICHAEL JACKSON
EVEN WROTE A SONG ABOUT HER.
DO YOU GUYS
SMELL SOMETHING BURNING?
OUR CAKE!
OH, OH, MAN.
DIDN'T YOU GUYS SET A TIMER?
I GUESS WE FORGOT.
UGH.
BUT WE HAD FUN
MAKING THE CAKE. AND?
WE TRIED REALLY HARD.
CHERYL,
YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.
YOU'RE KIDDING ME
WITH THIS ATTITUDE, RIGHT?
THIS ATTITUDE
HAS GOTTA STOP, CHERYL.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
IF I BUILT A BUILDING AND MY
MISTAKE CAUSED IT TO BURN DOWN,
WOULD ANYBODY HIGH-FIVE ME?
I SEEM TO REMEMBER ANDY
HIGH-FIVING YOU
WHEN THE YUGOLINI'S DECK
MYSTERIOUSLY BURNED DOWN
AFTER THEIR CHECK BOUNCED.
I'M NOT THE ONE
ON TRIAL HERE, CHERYL.
WHAT THEY'RE LEARNING
AT BASKETBALL
IS KILLING MY CHILDREN,
AND MORE IMPORTANTLY,
KILLING THE SPORT.
IS THIS ABOUT THE CAKE?
PARTIALLY,
BUT IT'S ALSO ABOUT
THIS FEEL-GOOD SELF-ESTEEM
CRAP GOING ON, HONEY.
THEY CAN'T HAVE
TOO MUCH SELF-ESTEEM.
CHERYL, SELF-ESTEEM
IS ALL OVER THE PLACE.
COME ON. THEY GET IT AT BALLET.
THEY GET IT AT SCHOOL.
24 HOURS A DAY
FROM NOON TO NIGHT,
THEY ARE TOLD
HOW WONDERFUL THEY ARE.
THESE KIDS HAVE TO BE
TAKEN DOWN A PEG.
YOU KNOW WHAT, JIM?
THAT'S A VERY GOOD POINT.
TONIGHT,
INSTEAD OF A BEDTIME STORY,
WE'LL READ THEM
A LIST OF THEIR FLAWS.
THAT'S A START.
I GOT IT. YOU KNOW WHAT?
I SHOULD COACH.
NO, NO, NO!
NO, I'M GONNA TAKE OVER RUBY
AND GRACIE'S BASKETBALL TEAM.
NO, I CAN COACH 'EM.
IT'S FINE. THE GIRLS HAVE FUN.
NO. CHERYL...
HMM?
SPORTS AREN'T ABOUT FUN.
THEY'RE ABOUT
OVERCOMING OBSTACLES,
WORKING AS A TEAM
AND BEING ABLE
TO SAY COOL THINGS LIKE,
"HOW DID THAT TASTE, LOSER?"
NO, NO, NO, NO.
THAT'S IT.
I'M TAKING OVER THE TEAM.
AND YOU... YOU...
GET STARTED
ON ANOTHER CAKE.
(speed-dials telephone)
DANA, IT'S ME.
IT TOOK ME A WHOLE GAME...
(singsong voice) BUT I GOT JIM
TO TAKE OVER AS COACH.
(whistle blows)
ALL RIGHT,
HUMMINGBIRDS, LISTEN UP.
WE ARE NO LONGER GONNA
BE PLAYING SOFT, SQUISHY
EVERYBODY-GETS-A-HUG
BASKETBALL.
FROM NOW ON WE'RE GONNA BE
PLAYING OLD SCHOOL,
HARD-NOSED
WINNING BASKETBALL.
YOU'RE GONNA WORK HARDER
THAN YOU'VE EVER WORKED BEFORE.
YES, JAMI?
I WORKED LAST SUMMER
ON MY GRANDPA'S FARM.
OKAY, THE FIVE OF YOU
ARE GONNA WORK REALLY HARD,
AND, JAMI, YOU'RE GONNA WORK
AS HARD AS YOU DID LAST SUMMER.
YES, JAMI.
BUT I MOSTLY MADE COOKIES
WITH MY GRANDMA.
JAMI...
WE'RE GONNA NEED
A LITTLE LESS TALKING.
ALL RIGHT.
AT YOUR LAST GAME,
YOU DIDN'T MAKE
VERY MANY BASKETS, DID YOU?
BUT WE GOT THE SAME TROPHY
AS THE TURTLES.
YEAH, SO WHAT DIFFERENCE
DOES IT MAKE?
I'LL TELL YOU THE DIFFERENCE...
TABITHA.
YOU DIDN'T EARN IT.
THEY JUST GAVE IT TO YOU.
WITH ME,
YOU'RE GONNA EARN EVERYTHING.
DAD?
I MEAN, COACH?
I THOUGHT WE WERE HERE
TO HAVE FUN
AND TRY OUR BEST.
WELL...
MAYBE YOU CAN TRY YOUR BEST
AT RUNNING AROUND THE GYM!
DO A LAP!
GO! COME ON.
COME ON. COME ON.
TRYING IS DYING.
DOING IS EVERYTHING.
MM-HMM. 'CAUSE WE ALL KNOW
NICE GIRLS FINISH...
NICE?
NO.
PRETTY!
NO.
PONIES LIKE
ON MY GRANDPA'S FARM?
THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE
ANY SENSE. I CAN'T DO THIS, JIM.
EASY, COACH, EASY.
CAN WE HAVE A TREAT NOW?
WHAT'S THAT?
CAN WE HAVE A TREAT NOW?
YOU KNOW WHAT, YUGOLINI?
YOU BEEN GETTING ON MY NERVES
SINCE GIDDYAP.
TAKE A LAP.
AND TELL YOUR OLD MAN
TO PAY HIS DEBTS.
(giggling)
JAMI, WHAT ARE YOU
LAUGHING AT?
YOU. YOU'RE FUNNY.
I AM NOT FUNNY.
I AM STERN AND INSPIRING.
SAY, "YABBA-DABBA-DOO."
YABBA-DABBA-DOO
ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY, LET'S GO
TO THE FREE THROW LINE.
COME ON. I WANNA SEE
SOME HUSTLE. HUSTLE!
AND, GRACIE, WHY ARE YOU
NOT HUSTLING?
COME ON, DAD.
WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT HERE?
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT PRACTICE,
NOT THE GAME.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT PRACTICE.
I MEAN, PRACTICE.
NOT THE GAME
THAT I'D DIE FOR.
I MEAN, WE'RE TALKING
ABOUT PRACTICE.
NOW VISUALIZE
THE BALL GOING IN.
GRACIE, BEND AT THE KNEES.
FOLLOW THROUGH.
KEEP YOUR WRIST
NICE AND LOOSE.
YOU HAVE TO MAKE
FREE THROWS TO BE A WINNER.
SHAQ DOESN'T MAKE FREE THROWS,
AND HE'S A WINNER.
YOU KNOW WHAT, JAMI?
YOU'RE VERY CUTE.
LET'S SEE HOW CUTE YOU ARE
AFTER FIVE LAPS!
MOVE IT!
GET HER, COACH, GET HER!
COME ON, GRACIE.
GRACIE, WHEN YOU'RE ON MY TEAM,
YOU GOTTA WORK HARD.
RUBY.
GOOD JOB.
(whistle blows)
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT
FOR PRACTICE. BALLS IN.
LET'S GO.
JERKS!
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
COME ON, COME ON.
GET IN THE CENTER HERE.
LET'S GO. COME ON.
COME ON.
NOW FORM A CIRCLE HERE.
GOODY,
I LOVE PRAISE CIRCLE.
WELL, I HATE IT.
THIS IS GONNA BE CALLED
THE TRUTH CIRCLE.
EACH ONE OF YOU ARE GONNA TELL
ONE OF YOUR TEAMMATES
EXACTLY WHAT THEY DID WRONG.
RUBY, GO.
GRACIE, YOU CAN'T MAKE
A FREE THROW TO SAVE YOUR LIFE.
EXCELLENT.
YOU STOLE MY BOYFRIEND.
OKAY, LET'S KEEP THIS
ABOUT BASKETBALL.
WHOA, NOT SO FAST.
LET'S HEAR THE DISH.
(Jim) AH, GAME DAY.
THAT IS A HUMMINGBIRD.
YEAH, DECIDED TO SPRING
FOR NEW UNIFORMS.
CAN WE GO NOW?
I WANNA GET THERE EARLY
SO WE CAN PRACTICE FREE THROWS.
OH!
SHE WANTS TO PRACTICE
FREE THROWS.
MM-HMM.
DO YOU BELIEVE IT?
I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE THAT
YOU SPRUNG FOR NEW UNIFORMS.
GRACIE, COME ON! LET'S GO!
WOW, YOU LOOK GREAT.
YOU LOOK SO TOUGH.
COME ON. I WANNA SEE THOSE ARMS.
LET ME SEE THOSE ARMS.
THAT'S IT. BUT... WHAT...
WHAT... WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
MY UNIFORM.
THAT'S NOT YOUR UNIFORM.
YEAH, I'M PLAYING
FOR THE LAMBCHOPS NOW.
(clears throat)
UH, HONEY, WHY?
BECAUSE THEY JUST
PLAY FOR FUN. OH!
RUBY, SWEETIE, WHY DON'T YOU
GO WAIT IN THE CAR?
UM, GRACIE, MAYBE YOU WANT
TO TALK TO YOUR DAD
ABOUT SWITCHING TEAMS.
YOU KNOW WHAT, CHERYL?
THAT'D BE OKAY
IF I TALK TO THE ENEMY,
BUT PHIL JACKSON,
MIKE DITKA AND ME...
WE DON'T DO THAT.
WHY DON'T YOU TELL GRACIE
SHE SHOULD HEAD
TO THE REC CENTER?
'CAUSE IT'S A LONG WALK.
IS THERE A PROBLEM?
PROBLEM?
NO, IT'S NOT A PROBLEM.
YOU DON'T WANT TO PLAY
ON MY TEAM, YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
GO FIND YOURSELF
ANOTHER TEAM.
YEAH, KINDA ALREADY DID.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.
COME ON!
YOUR DAUGHTER
JUST QUIT YOUR TEAM.
NO, CHERYL, MY DAUGHTER CARRIES
A BASKETBALL AROUND WITH HER
AND WANTS TO PRACTICE
ALL THE TIME.
YOUR DAUGHTER
JUST QUIT MY TEAM.
HONEY...
NO, CHERYL, SHE QUIT!
COME ON.
YOU KNOW GRACIE ACTS TOUGH,
BUT SHE'S REALLY SENSITIVE.
MAYBE SHE JUST NEEDS
SOME ATTENTION.
ATTENTION?
YEAH.
COME ON. I YELLED AT HER TWICE
AS MUCH AS THE REST OF THE TEAM.
MAYBE SHE NEEDS
A DIFFERENT KIND OF ATTENTION.
THANK YOU.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
AND YOU CAN GIVE HER
THAT ATTENTION
WHILE YOU BOTH WALK
TO THE REC CENTER.
WE ARE LIVE FROM
BUKINIK MUNICIPAL REC CENTER
FOR THIS TITANIC CLASH
BETWEEN THE LAMBCHOPS
AND THE HUMMINGBIRDS.
IT'S A FRENZIED CROWD
OF ABOUT...
15.
THIS PRE-GAME SHOW IS
BROUGHT TO YOU BY KARMELKORN.
IF YOU CAN FIND
A BETTER-TASTING
CANDY-COATED VEGETABLE,
EAT IT.
NOW GRACIE IS PLAYING
FOR THE LAMBCHOPS,
SO I NEED TO FIND A WAY
TO ROOT FOR BOTH TEAMS AT ONCE.
THERE AREN'T
15 PEOPLE HERE.
DID HE COUNT ME TWICE
BECAUSE I'M FAT?
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE WELCOME THE LAMBCHOPS...
(cheering)
AND THE HUMMINGBIRDS.
(ominous music playing)
GO... BOTH TEAMS EQUALLY!
ALL RIGHT, LISTEN UP NOW.
NOW THERE'S TWO KINDS OF PEOPLE
OUT IN THE WORLD...
WINNERS AND LOSERS...
AND WHAT ARE WE?
(girls) HUMMINGBIRDS!
I WAS LOOKING FOR "WINNERS,"
BUT THAT'LL DO.
NOW I WANT YOU
TO GET OUT THERE,
AND I WANT YOU
TO KICK... SOME... BUTTS!
GO!
BUTT, BUTT,
KICK SOME BUTT.
BUTT, BUTT,
KICK SOME BUTT.
(Andy)
HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO!
THE TEAMS HEAD OUT
FOR THE OPENING TIP-OFF.
HAVE A GOOD GAME, GRACIE.
THANKS.
(Andy) HO, HO, HO!
FOR THOSE OF YOU
WHO DON'T SPEAK SUBTEXT,
COACH JIM
JUST CALLED GRACIE OUT.
HER RESPONSE?
"IT'S GO TIME, OLD MAN."
(Jim) COME ON, COME ON,
LET'S GO, LET'S GO, LET'S GO.
PASS THAT BALL,
PASS THAT BALL.
(shouting and cheering)
WAY TO GO, WAY TO GO,
WAY TO GO!
NO, NO, NO! JAMI, WRONG BASKET,
WRONG BASKET!
TURN AROUND, JAMI,
TURN AROUND!
COME ON! COME ON, GIRL!
COME ON!
COME ON, GIRL!
TABITHA, TABITHA!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH
THE LIP GLOSS? THE LIP GLOSS!
OKAY, NOW IT LOOKS JUST WEIRD.
COME ON. EVEN IT OUT.
NOW THE BOTTOM LIP.
THE BOTTOM LIP!
TAKE THE BALL DOWN, JAMI!
GRAB THE BALL! GO!
ATTACK THE BALL!
BUT BE POLITE!
(whistle blows)
(referee) FOUL ONE.
OH, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THAT WAS OUR BALL!
COME ON. THEY'RE 10 YEARS OLD!
LET 'EM PLAY.
LET 'EM PLAY! AH, COME ON!
COME ON! WHAT ARE...
(muttering)
THAT'S RIDIC...
UHH!
COME ON, COME ON.
HEY, HEY, HEY!
DID SOMEBODY DROP SOMETHING?
OH, A FRIENDSHIP BRACELET.
RUBY, GO. TAKE THAT BALL DOWN.
BUT THAT MIGHT BE MY BRACELET.
IT'S A LIFESAVER ON A RUBBER BAND. GO!
COME ON, COME ON.
YES! YES! THAT'S WINNING
BASKETBALL! (whistle blows)
AND WITH TIME RUNNING OUT,
THE SCORE REMAINS TIED.
GRACIE BRINGS THE BALL
UP THE COURT.
SHE DRIVES TO THE HOOP...
(whistle blows, buzzer)
OH! SHE DRAWS A FOUL
WITH NO TIME LEFT.
RUBY FOULS HER SISTER,
SENDING HER TO THE LINE
WITH A CHANCE TO WIN IT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
IF THEY MAKE A FREE THROW,
THEY WIN THE GAME.
I DID IT ON PURPOSE.
WHY?
GRACIE STINKS
AT FREE THROWS.
WE'RE ALL THINKING IT.
I'LL SAY IT.
THAT'S POOR COACHING.
FOR... FOR THE LAMBCHOPS,
OF COURSE.
WHO CALLED TIME-OUT?
THIS RECAP BROUGHT TO YOU
BY POTATO CHIPS.
EVEN THE LITTLE DUST
AT THE BOTTOM OF THE BAG
TASTES GOOD.
HEY, COACH?
YEAH.
I JUST WANTED TO POINT OUT
THAT THE TEAM
THAT WORKS HARD AND HAS
DISCIPLINE HAS 18 POINTS,
AND THE TEAM THAT HAS FUN
HAS 18 POINTS.
THE GAME'S NOT OVER,
BLONDIE.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
DISCIPLINE ALWAYS PAYS OFF
AT CRUNCH TIME.
DOES CRUNCH TIME MEAN
WE GET PEANUT BRITTLE?
TAKE A LAP?
DON'T WORRY, DAD. THIS IS
GRACIE'S WORST NIGHTMARE.
SHE SAID SHE'D NEVER, EVER
WANT TO SHOOT FREE THROWS
WITH THE GAME ON THE LINE
AND YOU WATCHING.
OF COURSE NOT. SHE JUST...
WITH ME WATCHING?
(whistle blows)
SOUNDS LIKE
GRACIE'S WORST NIGHTMARE
IS DISAPPOINTING HER FATHER.
(Andy) GRACIE, ALL ALONE...
WITH TWO SHOTS AND A CHANCE
TO WIN IT FOR THE LAMBCHOPS.
COME ON, BABY.
♪ AIR BALL ♪
EVERYBODY!
♪ AIR BALL... ♪
JERK!
NO... GIVE IT BACK.
OH.
TIME-OUT! (blows whistle)
GRACIE, COME HERE.
WHAT?
NOW LISTEN, GRACIE.
I WANT TO TALK TO YOU
AS YOUR DADDY,
NOT AS A BASKETBALL COACH.
DOESN'T MATTER TO ME
IF YOU MAKE THIS SHOT
OR MISS IT.
OKAY?
I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT YOU'RE A GREAT KID,
THIS IS
JUST A BASKETBALL GAME
AND THAT I LOVE YOU
VERY MUCH.
SO JUST HAVE FUN...
AND TRY HARD.
(basketball bouncing)
(Andy) GRACIE GETS SET
FOR HER SECOND SHOT.
SHE COULD PROBABLY USE
SOME SILENCE RIGHT NOW.
(cheering)
LAMBCHOPS WIN! HOLY COW!
HOW'S THAT TASTE, LOSER?
NEVER BEEN PROUDER.
GO ON. ENJOY YOUR WIN.
(sighs) ALL RIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
THIS IS A LESSON TO ALL OF US.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT LESSON IS?
I'VE BEEN TOO EASY ON YA.
COME ON, LAPS!
FIVE LAPS, LET'S GO.
SHAKE THAT THING. SHAKE IT,
SHAKE IT, SHAKE IT!
AND, REF, YOU TAKE A LAP, TOO.
YOU SUCKED TODAY.
SORRY YOU DIDN'T WIN,
COACH.
DON'T WORRY.
I WON.
COME ON.
YOU RUN A LAP, TOO.
HEY. NICE JOB
ON THE PLAY-BY-PLAY.
OH, THANKS. YOU DIDN'T MIND
ALL THE FOOD REFERENCES?
'CAUSE SEE,
THAT WAS MY WAY OF SAYING
HOW GIGANTIC YOU'VE GOTTEN.
AH. NO, I THOUGHT
IT WAS FUNNY.
YEAH. (laughs)
JOIN US
FOR OUR POSTGAME SHOW,
BROUGHT TO YOU
BY MY FAT-ASS SISTER.