According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 3, Episode 22 - Who's the Boss? - full transcript

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Hey, yeah, hi, honey.

It's me, lover boy.

Jim.

Very funny, Cheryl, very funny.

Look, I'm going
to be a little late.

I know I'm going to miss dinner.

What did you have?

String bean casserole.

Well, I'm so sorry
I missed that.

Bye, honey.

Oh, you gamble
sometimes and win.



And so, by moving
the den to the west side,

I had to change some walls, see?

Yeah, I had a thought.

Really? Another one?

'Cause I spent 14 hours
on your last one.

Uh-huh.

I would like the den on the
east side instead of the west.

No, no, no, I was up
all night doing this,

and it totally works.

Not for Veronica, it doesn't,

and she's the client.

(CHUCKLES)

And at Ground Up Design,
the client is the boss.

I think I have that written
down on a pen, right here.



And would it be too much
trouble to get a skylight?

Well, yeah, it kind of would.

I mean, what we'd need...

Is a great architect,

and we have one right here.
Andy is all over it.

Oh, good, 'cause I
want one in the atrium.

Okay. You don't have an atrium!

She does now.

Andy, give her an atrium.

Is there anything else you need?

Because at Ground Up Design,
we are here for you.

I have a refrigerator magnet
with that on it, by the way.

Oh, I am so glad
I picked you guys.

You're the best.

Actually, uh, there
is one other thing.

(LAUGHS) You name it.

Could you watch Diego
while I go to the day spa?

Is that okay with you, baby?

Yes. Yes, it is.

It would be my pleasure
to give it to our top man.

What?

I'll go get Diego's poopy pads.

Okay.

She's an important client.

You don't talk
to them like that.

I am working
16 hours a day here.

Now I have to design an atrium

and move the den back to
where it was three days ago.

Come on, be a team player here.

I'm an architect,
not a dog sitter.

Why can't you be
a dog-sitting architect?

I mean, even Superman
was also a reporter.

Andy, this is the biggest
job we've ever had.

I know.

All right, so just hang
in there for a little bit.

Keep your eye on the prize.

It's hard to keep
my eyes on the prize.

They keep going to
this dog's weird butt.

What are you talking about?

Well, it's all puffy,

and there's dental floss
sticking out of it.

Well, give it a pull.
Maybe it'll talk.

(INAUDIBLE)

JIM: Oh, baby!

Okay, girls, your
lunches are ready.

PB and J sliced diagonally
for Gracie,

bologna and cheese,
mayonnaise on both sides for Ruby.

Did you cut my crusts off?

What is it, my first day?

All right, go, go.
Get ready.

Cheryl, you spoil these kids.

You know what my mom
packed for lunch for me?

A raw potato with a lighter.

Oh.

Sounds like your mom must
have wanted you to run away,

and we know that
couldn't have been true.

Hello.

May I borrow a cup of dignity?

I seem to have lost mine.

What are you doing with the dog?

Dog sitting turned
into a dog sleepover

when Veronica decided
to spend the night in town.

Did you know that Chihuahua is
Spanish for "yapping crap machine"?

Andy.

Andy, honey, you look exhausted.

Are you going to be okay today?

Ah, if I get a nap in at lunch.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Lunch, I need you
to go down to Springfield

and pick up the little bathroom
knobs for the Veronica job.

Jim, I spent
four years in college

so I wouldn't
have to do this stuff.

Andy, this is important.

Oh, really?
Yes.

Well, if it's so important,
why don't you do it?

I'd love to, Andy, but I can't.

What does the plaque
say on my desk?

"Number one sex machine."

That's the trophy.

And I earned it, right, honey?

Oh, honey, I don't think it
counts if you buy it yourself.

Andy, the plaque reads
"President and CEO."

Now, if the boss is out there

doing all these
little menial errands,

it's going to make
our operation look chintzy.

Oh, I think the nudie girl mud
flaps on your pickup already do that.

Andy, come on, think about it.

This job can take us
to a new level.

I mean, Veronica knows
all kinds of rich people,

including Oprah's friend Gayle.

(GASPS) Oh!

Oh, she is so lucky.

I wish I was
Oprah's best friend.

I'd get to hang out
with her all the time.

Yeah, but then eventually,
you'd have to introduce her to Jim.

Oh, well.

Oh. Oh, no. Oh, no. It's starting to
shimmy. I better take him outside.

Can I get a a sandwich
bag, something?

(CHUCKLING BITTERLY)

I can't wait to call
my professor at Stanford

and tell him how well I'm doing.

Quit complaining!

What? What are you
looking at me like that for?

Don't you think you're
being a little hard on Andy?

I'm not being hard
on Andy at all.

You know what the "C"
stands for in CEO?

Commander.

Now, how do you think
people would feel

if their own president
sent himself off to war?

I'd like it.

Well, I wonder
who's been talking

to the lesbian down at
the beauty parlor again.

Cheryl, I love you to
tears, but you know what?

You know nothing about
business management.

(STAMMERS) Except for her
degree in business administration.

And running the claims division

of an insurance company
for two years.

Oh, yeah? Why aren't you
working there anymore, Cheryl?

Because I got pregnant
and quit to raise a family.

Hmm. How convenient.

Daddy?
Hmm?

Can you help me
with my homework?

Sure. What is it?

American history.

(GAME SHOW PLAYING ON TV)

Okay.

Write this down.

We win.

They lose.

USA number one.

Oh, good, I thought you were
going to say something simplistic.

Well, I just got
off the phone with Andy.

Can't come over tonight because
he has too much work to do.

Damn, he was supposed
to bring over dessert.

Jim.
What?

I made him a special dinner

because he's been
working so hard,

and now he's not even
coming over because of you.

Cheryl, this is a big project.

We're all making sacrifices.

Gracie, move your head.
Daddy can't see the TV.

Hey, you know
what would cheer him up?

Why don't you bring him over
a nice hot plate of food?

Me?
Yeah.

Come on, you're
the food department here.

Jim.

He does everything
you ask of him.

This is a nice way to
show him you appreciate it.

Isn't that what
the paycheck's for?

All right, fine.
Good.

Maybe I'm working him
a little too hard.

I'll take the food over there as
soon as I figure out this puzzle.

Tom Cruise control.
Tom Cruise control.

Well, you know,
it's easy for you.

You're not checking out Vanna.

Hey, you know, Andy, you've been
doing such a great job on Veronica's...

Job.

Great. Great!

Thanks for making me
go over there.

Daddy is angry.

Yeah. I know, sweetie.

If you guys will excuse me.

And remember, no dessert
until you finish your broccoli.

Mmm!

Okay, I'm putting mine
down the disposal.

Who's with me?
Okay.

What happened?

Well, somebody was working
Andy hard, but it wasn't me!

He was sitting on
the couch with Veronica,

half naked, drinking wine.

What?
Yes, Cheryl, yes.

Well, maybe it wasn't
what you're thinking.

Cheryl, he had the
same look on his face

that you do after.

I didn't need to know that.

Neither did I!

You know what, Jim?

They're both adults.
Big deal.

It is a big deal, Cheryl.

It's a huge deal.

You never, ever, ever
sleep with a client.

I could have slept with dozens
of clients, but I never did.

You want to know why?

'Cause you're married to me?

Cheryl, let's not make
this about you, okay?

Because I respect
the rules of business.

Jim, you got
to give Andy a break.

He hasn't had a date
for, like, six months.

Mmm-mmm.
You know what?

I kind of think it's cute that
they're having a romance.

Cute? That was just two
people satisfying their animal lust.

It wasn't beautiful, like, you
know, when you and I go at it.

Yeah.

Okay, I know, I know.

Andy, Andy, no, no.

That was not cool, Andy.

Jim, it's not
something I planned.

Veronica came over
to get her dog,

we started talking about
books and wine and architecture.

I read her my one-act play.

After that, it was like
shooting fish in a barrel.

Andy, I don't want to hear it.

This stops now. You are
jeopardizing the entire job.

Come on, I have this
totally under control.

Andy... You know,
Jim, I like her a lot.

I will not let it
affect work. I promise.

I don't care. It's not up to
you. I'm the boss, okay?

Jim, I can handle it.
No, no, you listen to me.

You go right back
across the street,

and you end this thing
right now. No. You...

(JABBERING)

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You go back there,
and you end it right now.

Andy, do it!

Just do it.

Yeah, fine.
Right, yes.

But, Andy, Andy, Andy, Andy,
be nice about it, okay?

Don't hurt her feelings.
Let her down easy.

Say something like, you know,

you're gay, and this was
a one-time experience.

Gay. Right.

You know what? No.

Okay, pick something else.
Impotence. I don't care.

No, no, no to
the whole thing. No.

Listen, you made me go 70
miles to pick up doorknobs.

You made me clean up dog poop.

You even made me put extra
jelly in your donuts using a syringe.

But you're going to tell me
how to live my personal life? No.

No, you don't say no to me.

I just did. Want to
hear it again? No!

Want to hear it
backwards? On!

Out of my house.

No. I do
what I want.

And I want to leave.

That's it.

That's it!

He's fired.

I can't fire him.
I need him.

What am I going to do?
What am I going to do?

Oh, Cheryl, is he asking you?

I don't know.

There's no one here
but you and me,

and I don't know
nothing about business.

You should just stick to
folding laundry and ovulating.

Okay, okay, very funny.

I see what you're trying to do.

You're trying to throw
my words back in my face

to make some kind
of point, right?

Yeah. You know where I
learned that, commander?

Business school.

Oh, ha, ha, ha.
Very funny.

Well, Andy's going
to pay for this.

Saying no to me?

Well, I'll work him so hard

he won't have any
personal time left in his life.

That's what I'm going to do.

Yeah, I'm going
to make him so busy,

he's going to have to hire
someone to pee for him.

He's going to be so busy that he's
going to pass himself going to bed

because he's got
to get up so early.

Whoo! That's
a good one, Jim.

That's a good one.

It's shaping up nicely.

Hey, Andy, uh, can you
come over here for a second?

I want to talk to you.
Oh, just a sec.

(EXHALES)

Yeah?

Uh...

Listen, about that thing
last night, I, uh...

I got a little carried away.

You know, I shouldn't have
any say in your personal life.

Thank you.
But you know what?

I do have a list of things
here I'd like you to do

while you're on the
clock, if that's all right.

Sure.
Okay, great, thanks.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

There's like a hundred
things on this list.

Oh, come on, Andy.
It's not so bad.

You can knock those off
in about four or five months.

And then you'll have plenty
of time for your personal life.

"Reshred shredded documents"?

Uh-huh.

"Embroider logos on hats
for company softball team."

Yeah.

"Start up company
softball team."

We don't even have a league.

Oh, keep reading.

(CHUCKLES)

You think you're pretty
clever, don't you?

Well, you know,
I have my moments.

Yeah. Here's the deal.

Um, you know how you're
always saying the client's the boss?

Uh-huh.
Well, last night,

when I was lying in
bed with the client,

I got to thinking, I'm not
actually working for you.

I'm working for
Veronica, so, uh,

I'm going to take a big
old pass-adena on this one.

Oops.
Andy, if you think that...

Ronnie!

There's my brilliant architect.

So how much longer till
we're through with the den?

Well... Well, I know
Jim told you two weeks,

but I'm going to put a
couple more of my guys on it.

I'm thinking a week,
10 days tops.

We can do it, right, guys?

They're pretty focused
working right now, so...

Oh, can you knock off a
couple of hours early tonight?

I've got tickets for a play.

Oh, I don't know. I'll
have to ask my boss.

Um, can I go,

Veronica?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Pick me up at 7:00,
and bring a toothbrush.

Oh.

Oh, Andy.

Oh, Jim, do you mind
taking Diego tonight?

Uh, well...
Oh, he'd love to. Yeah.

I'll just put it on his list.

Oh, great.

I'll drop him off at your house.

(EXHALES)

Call me.

Andy, I don't know what the
hell you think you're doing...

Jim, a little less this,
little more this.

Veronica, hey,
you told me to call you,

and I just couldn't wait.

So what are you wearing?

Oh, I know I just saw you,
but work with me here.

(SIGHS)

Hey, guys, uh, take lunch.

ANDY: Can I call you back? I gotta
tell these morons to keep it down.

Well, you know,
that's why I'm the boss.

(LAUGHING)

Yeah, well,
talk to you later, kiddo.

Real mature, Jim.

Want to take this down
so I can get out?

Oh, I thought you wanted a
little less this and a little more this.

I'm sure if I could see you,
that'd be hilarious.

I can take care of that.

Hello.

If you expect an apology,
you can forget it.

Oh, I can wait.

I demand to be
treated with respect.

I hear you.

You're giving me
boobs, aren't you?

(CHUCKLING)

Yeah, they're
real bazookas, too.

You know, it's kind of funny.

I may be trapped in a
windowless room here...

Oh, you got a window right here.

Well, you're the one
who's really trapped, okay?

You're trapped in a world
of ego, pettiness and control.

Well, at least in my
world, I've got a bathroom.

(LAUGHING)

You just wait
until I get out of here.

Oh, what are you going to do?

You going to go run to Veronica?

(STAMMERING) What the
hell's that supposed to mean?

It means you can't hide
behind her forever.

You know, this job
is going to end soon,

and then I'm still your boss,

and that's the way
it's always going to be.

No, no, no, no, Jim.
That's the way it's been,

but I'm not going
to take it anymore.

What are you going to do?

Who's going to
rescue you this time?

Dana?

Cheryl?

Your mommy?

Huh?

Because you're not tough enough
to stand on your own, are you?

You know it.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah.

How's that for tough?

Is that all you got?

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Give up?
No!

Give up?
Never!

Is that all you got?

Hell, no! I'm just
getting started.

I'm required by law to tell
you that I'm a white belt.

You only went to one class.

Well, they let me keep the belt.

Ow.

(BOTH PANTING)

You give up?

No way.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

So, we good?

No. No, we're not good.

Jim, I'm tired of you
treating me like

the little kid whose
sister you married.

Come on, I'm not
that guy anymore.

Yeah.

So we good now?

No!

All right.

Well, what are we
going to do now?

I don't know.

How about you make me partner?

What?

What, are you crazy?

Well, it was just a thought.

No, wait, no.

I think I've earned it.

Partner?

Are you asking me or telling me?

I'm asking.

But with determined authority.

Good answer, partner.

Come on. Let's go
have some lunch.

(BOTH GROANING)

Hey, hey, hey.
I'm buying.

That's right. Junior
partners always buy.

Junior partner?
You said partner.

Hey, I'm not going to make
you a full partner on the first day.

All right, all right,
I'll tell you what.

The first one to get in the
driver's seat is a full partner.

(DOOR OPENS)

Four years in Stanford.

Please.

(LAUGHING)

(CAR ALARM WAILING)

Andy!