According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 3, Episode 23 - The Truck - full transcript

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Oh, there you are.
Jim, she's in here!

Oh, Cheryl!

Thank God.

When I got home from work
and you weren't in the kitchen,

I just feared the worst.

What, that you'd have
to make your own dinner?

Yes, and the only thing I could find
was a bowl of really bad Alfredo sauce.

Jim, that was paste!

You might want to double up
on the bran muffin tomorrow.

Yeah, it's for the mascot.

Oh, right, right. Spirit
week. Spirit week.



I'm supposed to, um...

Take the bear down to the
girls' school on Saturday.

Yes, yes, yes.
Got it on my list right here.

Daddy, want to see a cheer?

I'd love to see your cheer.

BOTH: What do you say
to a Grizzly you meet?

You get down on your knees,
don't beg on your feet.

Go, Grizzlies!

That's really good,
girls. Very nice.

We're not done.

BOTH: And shake it,
and shake it,

and shake it but don't break it!

Everybody, shake that thing!

Who the hell taught you that?



Aunt Dana.

Dana, what are you doing?

Oh, come on. At least when
they shake theirs, it's on purpose.

Explain to me what that means!

You know what it means!

Okay, so, Jim, on Saturday

you're taking the mascot
down to the girls' school.

Is your truck gonna
be out of the shop?

Oh, I don't know.

The mechanic said the part
still hasn't come in.

What part?

Cheryl, if I told you the
name of it, would you know it?

Jim!
What?

This is ridiculous.
It's been in there a week.

I'm gonna call the guy and tell
him we really need it by Friday.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
You can't do that.

What? That's not
your department!

Oh! Come on, you
take care of the kids,

the bills, the house, the social
calendar, and all the yard work.

I'm in charge of the car stuff.

And turning the clocks
backward and forward as needed.

You make her do the yard?

We have seven clocks!

Jeez. When do you find
time to scratch yourself?

(INAUDIBLE)

JIM: Oh, baby!

Oh, Jason, thank you so much.

You guys are so sweet.

You are! I really feel
like we should tip you.

Oh, no.

No, we couldn't.

Just, uh, keep coming back.

Please.

Thanks, guys.
Bye.

Isn't it great being pretty?

I know!

The only time I have to
carry my own groceries

is when I'm with Jim.

Hey, minimum wage,
a little help here?

Yeah, right, good idea.

Save your energy
for popping zits!

Andy, one, pimply virgins, zip.

Yeah.

Hey!

Isn't that Jim's truck?

Huh?

Yeah.

Uh, no, don't think so.

Yeah. Jim has that same
Sammy Sosa bobblehead.

Well, it's Chicago, Cheryl.
Everybody does.

No!

Okay, how about
the license plate frame

that says, "Contractors
do it with a tool"?

It's definitely Jim's truck.

Oh, this truck!

Yeah! Yeah, yeah,
this is Jim's truck.

Yeah.

You know what happened. What?

Well, it's obvious
that he picked up the truck,

decided to run some errands

so he could make
your life easier.

Make Cheryl's
life easier? Jim?

Damn, too far!

Andy.
Uh-huh?

What's going on?

Nothing.

Hey, Cheryl, did you
watch the news last night?

There's a twister coming.

Uh, no, there isn't.

Yes, there is.
Oh, yes, there is.

No, there isn't.
No! Ow! No, no! Ow!

Okay! Okay!

(WHEEZING) Ow!

Last Saturday, Jim and I were
at Antlers for Nickel Wing Night.

You know why I love this place?

Hmm?

When you're done
with your wings,

you can throw your bones
on the floor.

You know, only you do that.

Really?

That explains the looks.

Now look at that
poor sucker over there.

He's been losing
to people all night.

All right, who's next?

Hey, how about you, pal?

Why don't you call it
a night, okay?

Come on, let's go.
You and me, huh?

(CHUCKLING) No.

Hey, everybody, Fred
Flintstone over here

is scared to arm-wrestle me.

You know what?

I'm gonna ignore what you
just said because you're drunk,

and because of my vague
resemblance to Fred Flintstone.

I got 20 bucks says I beat you.

It's a bet!

What? What are you doing?
What are you talking about?

I'm seizing the day.

That's how I live, Jim.

By sucking the marrow
out of every moment.

Come here, sweetheart.

Oh, Andyman, do you know how
long I've been waiting for you to do that?

Okay, okay, okay.

Can you just stick to telling us
the parts that actually happened?

Fine!

Come here, sweetheart.

Drop dead!

So, are you in, or
are you out, Fred?

I'll tell you what. If I do it
just this once, will you drop it?

You're on.

(CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS)

All right. Go!

(LAUGHING)

All right? Here.
Here's your $20 back.

Get a cab.
Go home.

I don't need a cab.
I have a car.

What do you drive, huh?

A truck.
Oh, a truck!

(LAUGHS) La-di-da!

Uh-huh.

I'll tell you what.
I want a rematch.

My car against your truck.

(LAUGHING)
Whoa.

Hey, buddy, please, just go home

and sober up, all right?

Come on, you woman!

Little girl!

(PEOPLE MURMURING)
Jim...

Come on, Suzie!

All right, that's it!

Old Suzie here is gonna
teach you your manners.

Yeah, courtesy's
contagious, butt-face.

Go!

Hey!

(GRUNTS)

Pleasure doing
business with you.

Hey, uh, was that
courteous enough?

Yes!

That guy wasn't drunk.

That guy just hustled me!

Jim, I do not condone
this kind of behavior.

"Cheryl is a good woman, a
fine wife and a better sister.

"You really... You really should
have checked with her first."

Because that would have
been the right thing to do.

Okay, okay, that didn't
happen, either,

but I was thinking it.

No, come on.
I really was.

Hey! Give me...
Ow! Ow!

Come on, guys, don't leave me!

I hope we can keep this
between the three of us.

It's gonna get dark
in three hours!

No, please, no!

(SOBBING)

Not so tough without
your sisters, are you?

Mmm! Mashed potatoes.

Mmm, and ham!

BOTH: (CHANTING)
Ham, ham, H-A-M...

Girls, girls, hey, hey.
No, no, no.

You already cheered your
milk. A little goes a long way.

Mmm, that looks good.
And, honey...

Yes, yes, yes, yes!

For you.

Mmm... Mmm!

Everything okay?

Everything's great!
Okay!

(CHUCKLING) Yeah...

Mmm.

Gravy?

Oh, I'd love some gravy.

Okay!

Here you go, honey.
Oh.

(LAUGHING)
That good?

Yeah!

Yeah, mmm.

Delicious!

Oh!

Really? Not too lumpy?

No, no, it's perfect.

Oh, that's great.

Daddy, there's
a head in your food!

It's freaking me out!

All right, girls, take your
dinner in the dining room

while I finish this mind
game with your mother.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Cheryl?
Mmm-hmm?

Uh, I need
to tell you something.

But first, what do you know?

Hmm, I know that you went to a bar and
lost the truck in an arm-wrestling contest.

Okay, you're up to speed.

What, you just figured
I'd never find out?

Well, I was gonna tell you
that they couldn't fix the truck,

and I was gonna buy a new
one with our vacation money.

Well, what about our vacation?

Well, I was gonna tell you that

Hawaii burned down.

Where did you get this?

Your truck.

My truck?
Mmm-hmm.

My truck!
Yeah.

But what's my truck doing here?

I got it back.
What?

Dana and I went down to Antlers.

I can't believe you eat there.

And we talked to that skinny
guy who beat you at arm wrestling.

What?

You actually went down there?

Well, somebody had to.

No, no, no, Cheryl.
Nobody had to.

You realize what you just did?

You just cut me off
at the knees!

Oh, come on.

No, Cheryl, that's like
Mommy going to the schoolyard

and fighting the bully for me.

Oh.

You can't do that, Cheryl.

I lost the truck.

It's my truck.
It's my business.

No, Jim, it's our business,
'cause it's our truck,

and you lost it
in a stupid bar bet.

Cheryl, the guy
called me a woman.

(SIGHS) Which obviously
you are not. Thank you.

Because it took a woman
to get your truck back!

And it's gonna take
a man to return it!

What?

Cheryl, there's not much
left in this world for men,

except for the Oval Office,

the same job for
better pay, and honor!

(STAMMERING)
What are you doing?

Cheryl, I'm not
keeping this truck,

not the way you got it back.

So you're gonna
inconvenience your entire family

because of your stupid pride?

Cheryl.

It's not pride, it's honor.

Oh. And you would
know the difference

if you didn't shave your legs!

What does that even mean?

Exactly! Ding, ding, ding!

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I am going to take
this truck back

to where you found it,

I'm going to walk home
with my head held high,

and my boys back in their bunk.

BOTH: Get your groove on,
get your groove on,

for the Grizzly
Spirit-thon-thon!

And shake it, and shake it!

Ooh, it's mighty hot!

(IMITATING SIZZLING)

You know, Andy,
those fairy tales

where the good king locks
up his daughters in the tower?

I get it.

Well, you know what it is, Jim.

Their young, undeveloped brains

are totally influenced
by the idiot box.

Yeah.

(BOINGING ON TV)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

It's so funny!

Uh, Jim?

Yeah?

We finished the mascot. You
got to get it down to the school.

Okay, Andy, let's put the
grizzly bear in the old minivan.

No, no, honey.
We already tried that,

but, surprisingly,
it's too small.

I guess that's why
they call it mini. Hmm.

Gosh, if only you had some
kind of vehicle that was like a car,

but with a big, open
storage area in the back.

Okay, I know you guys are
talking about my truck.

Truck! That's brilliant!

Yeah.

If only we knew someone
who had a truck.

Hmm. I know! The
arm-wrestling con man!

Yes!

Absolutely not.

I am not going back there
to beg for the truck.

A bet is a bet,
and I have my honor.

All right, all right,
honey. How about this?

How about you take the
mascot, shove it in your honor,

and haul it down there?

Cheryl, I'm gonna get that
grizzly bear to that school,

because I'm a man,
and that's what men do.

They get things done.
Right, Andy?

Go, men!

BOTH: And shake it!
And shake it!

And shake it,
shake it, shake it!

Hey.

Unless I'm scoring a
touchdown, hitting a home run,

or I ask you to,

that is not okay!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Come on.

We got three miles to
go. Shake a leg here.

Why am I the one
doing all the work?

'Cause you're the one that
ratted me out to your sisters.

Oh, yeah, I know all about it.

Yeah, you had a chance to
come clean, and you didn't.

You know what that
makes you? A coward!

Oh, a coward, am I?
A coward. Yeah.

Oh, well, perhaps I am, but at
least I'm still driving my own car,

not some stupid scooter!

Stupid...
You're stupid!

I don't even know
why I hang out with you!

Been asking myself the same question
all day. Know what I came up with?

What?

We're all we got.

You're right, Andy.

Hey, let's not fight
anymore. I love you, man!

Oh, me too, man.

Oh, Andy, Andy, you idiot!
The bear!

Get on, get on, get on!

Get off, get off,
get off, get off!

Jim!

Am I okay on the right?

Well, there's a bear on wheels.

CHERYL: Oh, my God!

(CRASHING)
(GIRLS SCREAM)

Oh, my God.

You know, this is your fault.

Hi.

All right, you guys,
it's gonna be okay.

How is this going to be okay?

Daddy killed our bear.

We told everyone
how good it was!

I'm not cheering
for a dead bear!

I'll fix it, girls.

I always fix it.

Don't I?

Oh, damn.
All right.

Well, I'll just have
to build a new bear,

even if I have to
stay up all night.

Cheryl, put a pot
of coffee on for me.

Jim, I don't think you're
looking at the big picture.

Yeah, you're right.
Pot of coffee and a cake.

No, Jim! You could
build 100 bears!

You still have no way
to get them to the school.

I'll rent a truck.

Okay, that's fine for today,

but what about when I
have to pick up Ruby at ballet

and you have to get
Gracie at soccer?

Cheryl, under no
circumstances whatsoever

am I gonna go down there
and beg for that truck back.

I know, your honor.

Yes, honor. Honor.
Honey, look.

Do you think I like the way
the girls just looked at me?

No.

No, I don't.

But without honor, I'm
not going to be the man

that I want my daughters to see.

And I'm definitely not going
to be the man you married.

Now, baby, I am a man.

I know.

All right.

I don't get it, but I've been
married to you long enough

to know you're not
going to change,

so you have my full support.

Thank you.

But when I come home from
a high-stakes bake-off

and I've lost the
kitchen, not a word!

(LAUGHS)

Okay, honey, well,
you got your honor.

You got my support. We got no
truck! What are you gonna do?

I don't know.
I'll think of something.

(SIGHS)

I can't do it
while you're watching.

Well, yabba-dabba-doo!
Look who's here.

Hey, did you take a cab?

No! He took
his wife's minivan.

Andy!

Look, I want my truck back
fair and square,

so my friend and I here want to
challenge you to a game of pool.

And if we win?

You get my minivan.

Okay. Okay.

See, I know that Suzie here
is not much of a shark,

but, uh, this guy...

Sure, you dress
him up dorky, but...

He could be a ringer.

Well, I played
at Camp Wahonna-Makka,

but we didn't play for cars.

We played for s'mores.

So I'm guessing
you're pretty good then.

No. No deal.

What? What are
you talking about?

Jim!

Cheryl, what are you doing here?

How did you even
know we were here?

We just followed
the scent of failure.

Oh.

What are you doing?

Cheryl, I am trying
to win the truck back.

I just challenged him
to a game of pool,

but he's too much of a woman!

See, I wouldn't be much
of a con man if I fell for that.

Oh.

This is your big plan?

Cheryl, this is my plan. This is
men's business. Just stay out of it.

Yeah. When you can write
your name in the snow,

then you can pop off
about anything you want.

Great.

All right, now, you
gonna give me a chance

to win this truck back, or not?

Okay, okay, but I get
to pick your partner.

Oh, no, no. I'm not
gonna fall for that.

You'll just pick
one of your buddies.

Okay, fine. You know
Wilma and Betty over there.

Either one of them will do.

No, no, no, no, no.
That's a bad idea.

Take it or leave it.

Dana, you know how to play pool?

Well, no, but I could
probably pick it up pretty...

All right. I'll take
Wilma. I mean Cheryl.

My, uh, truck against
your minivan, right? Deal.

You bet the minivan?

Cheryl! Cheryl. Cheryl,
calm down. No! No! Bet's off.

Cheryl, no...

Cheryl, I just
shook on it, okay?

I don't believe this.

It's your break, Wilma.

Come on, baby, you can do it.

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

Don't call me Wilma.

Ah! Yes!

You hustled me.

No, uh, my wife,
the woman, hustled you.

Oh!

Told you it was a bad idea.

Oh, snap.

Some kids got ponies
on their 14th birthdays.

Daddy got us a pool table.

I never had to buy my
own drinks in college.

Neither did I,
and I suck at pool.

Um, honey, where
do you want the 8-ball?

Surprise me.

Okay.

Side pocket, clean bank,
going downtown.

Oh, yeah!

Yes!

I win my truck back!

Andy...

Thank you.

Let's get out of here.

All right, everybody,
say goodbye to Suzie!

ALL: Bye, Suzie!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Thanks, Cheryl.

Oh, honey.

You know, if Jim is Fred,

and Cheryl's Wilma,

does that make us
Betty and Barney?

I always thought
I was Nancy Drew

and you were both
of the Hardy Boys.

What do you say
we play one more game?

Okay.
And if you win,

you get to have sex with me.

Wow! What if you win?

To be honest, honey,
I'm gonna throw this game.