About a Boy (2014–2015): Season 1, Episode 3 - About a Godfather - full transcript

- No!
- Why are you downstairs?

- Honey, why are you...
- No!

- You gotta do something.
- Madison, you are going to bed.

- Don't...
- No!

Honey, I need you to take the baby.

- No!
- Madison, you are going to bed.

Oh, my God.

What are you doing here?

We're supposed to meet at
the bowling alley in an hour.

- I'm not ready.
- Yeah, we were,

but since one of us has



a really annoying tendency
to bail last minute

on boys' night...

- No!
- The other one of us decided

to pick you up, negating the possibility

of the bail.

- [crying]
- Can somebody make...

- Can you make that stop crying?
- No bedtime!

- I'm sorry.
- No, no, no!

You gotta go to bed.

I don't wanna go to bed!

Yeah, I don't want to go to bed either,

but you don't see me raging about it.

- No!
- Get a grip, tiny person.

Put your jammy pants on right now,



Or no cuddly-wuddly with me.

Hey, if no cuddly-wuddly with your mom

is an option, I would jump
on that right now, baby girl.

Well, look who left the big city

to slum it in the east bay.

- How'd we get so lucky?
- [crying]

Aah, can't we do something
to stop this, please?

God! So noisy.

Yeah, Will, we have a remote

that mutes them and freezes them in place,

but it's out of batteries.

- All right, let's go, let's go.
- Hey, since you're here,

there's actually something we
wanted to talk to you about.

- [sighs]
- Now.

All right, in the event that...

[whispers] something tragic

should happen to Laurie and I,

we would like you to be Jonah's godfather.

Well, not we. He.

I just want to make that clear.

- We.
- What?

Wait, if something... something tra...

Tragic happens...

You want me to raise it?

I mean, we'd have to die simultaneously,

and the chances of that happening are...

I'm never dying.

[crying]

So... wow, guys.

That is so, uh...

I mean, he's cute. He's very, very cute.

But I'm just gonna go with a "no."

- You know.
- What?

We're going bowling!
Let's go. Five minutes.

I'm giving you five
'cause I'm a good friend.

[Brick + Mortar's Old Boy]

♪ What up, what up, old boy? ♪

All right, you're being weirdly quiet.

What's up?

My child has no godparent, Will.

[scoffs] Let's just move on, okay?

We're going bowling tonight.

- [cell phone rings]
- Who is that? Don't pick that up.

- Don't pick that up!
- It's Laurie.

Chuck it out the window. Chuck it...

Hey, honey.

Oh, my God, you've gotta be kidding.

- All right.
- Oh, no.

- I gotta go home.
- What?

We're transitioning Madison onto the potty,

and she won't poop unless I'm there.

I'm her potty motivator.
It's actually kind of sweet.

[stammers] It's horrific.

You are not bailing on me tonight.

It's only gonna take
about an hour, all right?

- An hour to poop?
- I'll be right back out.

Just take me home.

No, this car's not stopping

till we get to the bowling alley.

- Dude, seriously.
- No.

I am not letting you bail on me tonight.

You know what?

Andy, do not...

[tires screech]

Andy, come back here!

We're bowling, Andy!

♪ Track you down ♪

♪ By the river with them cold boys ♪

♪ It took a while to find you ♪

TJ, what up, dude?

Crosby, what up?

Billy, great news.

I got a big night lined up.

It could get crazy,

and you're the first person I'm calling.

Dude, this is gonna be the
biggest night of your life!

[imitates ringing]

You're the first person I'm calling.

Number one on my list, every time.

Say yes. Say yes, say yes.

Say yes. Oh, kid's recital?

Wait, when did you have
a kid? You're married?

Yeah, you're the first
person I'm calling, man.

What? You moved to Cincinnati?

Really, dude?

[groans]

Oh, trouble in paradise.

No, it's just Andy bailed
on me again tonight,

and I already prepaid for the lanes,

so it's like...

Hey.

Is there any chance that...

Oh, let me stop you right there

before you embarrass both of us.

I'm not going to go bowling with you, Will.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, I was going to ask Marcus, Fiona.

Oh.

Yes! Yes!

I totally bowl, Will!

And I'm so much more awesome than Andy!

[snaps fingers] Car's
leaving in 30 seconds.

If you're not in it, I'm outta here.

[hip-hop music playing]

First Andy bails on me,

and now he's not answering my texts.

- What's that about?
- Oh.

Thanks for bringing me here.

Ooh, you should feel my pulse.

This is the most excited I've ever been.

Yeah? Is it more exciting
than a pooping baby?

Yes.

[girls squealing]

All right, dude. Let's see it.

[Psychic Friend's The Kids Are Ok]

♪ Johnny always thought ♪

♪ That he had it made ♪

[sighs]

Just straight down the middle.

♪ N.Y., S.F., or I.A. ♪

[groans] okay.

Third time's the charm.

All right, buddy. Do it.

♪ Really can't complain ♪

♪ Everything wrong ♪

Got a good feeling about this one, Will.

Yeah, me too.

♪ The kids are okay ♪

Hey, Will, do you think
we could use the bumpers?

I've really got my heart
set on reaching the pins.

Maybe even toppling one.

Andy and I don't use bumpers, Marcus.

It's not how we roll.

And that is not intended as a joke.

I didn't see it as one.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Andy would've.

♪ Money, money, money make us smile ♪

Here we go.

[Brett Dennen's Come Back
Kid (That's My Dog)]

♪ well, maybe it's the common curse ♪

♪ Maybe things get bad
before they get worse ♪

♪ I don't want to become someone ♪

♪ Who can't live up to
what I already done, don't ♪

♪ Here comes a comeback ♪

♪ The kid is back, is back on track ♪

♪ And there goes my hero ♪

♪ He's the underdog, he's
coming out on top, and ♪

Will. She pooped, Will.

Will! We can go out now!

Will?

He's... he's not in.

Oh, hey.

He's not here.

I'm Andy, Will's best friend.

You're Fiona. We met briefly, remember?

- Yes! Hello.
- How's it going?

- Oh, good.
- We were gonna go out.

He took my son, Marcus, bowling.

[sighs] that's unbelievable.

I'm s... [stammering]

I have a hall pass tonight,

and he was just supposed
to wait for one hour,

so I could help my daughter poop.

She won't poop without me holding her hand.

You know, my son,
Marcus, was a late pooper.

And it was rough going.

But actually, it turned out to be rather

- a bonding experience for us.
- Oh.

What kind of wine you got there?

- Glass of Shiraz.
- Oh.

Shiraz-a-mataz.

- Ah, shiraz-a-mataz.
- [laughing]

- I've never had it.
- Mm.

- Probably delicious.
- Not really, actually.

Does the trick, though.

- Ah.
- [laughing]

[bright music]

- Oh, here's the one.
- [gasps]

So gorgeous, aren't they?

And Will doesn't even know them.

I mean, would it kill him

to learn their names?

- He must know their names.
- No.

He only knows that my kid's name is Jonah

because he stole the name

when he was using Marcus to get laid.

Yes, I recall that. What do you think?

I really like that, but I'm a toe guy.

It's good, isn't it?

Toes don't need to
scream anything, do they?

- Well...
- Right, more booze.

[clatter] oh, bugger.

Do you see that? I've got to fix that.

Let me. I can do it.

- Are you handy?
- So handy...

That they call me "handy Andy."

They don't.

- They don't.
- Ah.

But you got any tools?
I can probably fix it.

Yeah, I've got a lovely
crochet tool belt, actually.

Okay, you're gonna love this.

All right, we'll take the usual, kitty...

Two prime rib French dip sliders

and two Belgian fries
with the pepper Jack Mayo.

Oh, uh, no pepper Jack Mayo for me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

They are famous for their pepper Jack Mayo.

Well, I'm famous for
being lactose intolerant.

Do you have any hemp spread?

The look on your face says you could use

some hemp spread too, bro.

You know how hard I worked on Laurie

to get her to agree to
have Will be the godfather?

Right? I love her to death,

but she's just not as
chill as you are, Fiona.

Oh, thanks, Andy.

[chuckles]

You know, and then he
just flat-out rejects me.

I mean, doesn't even take it seriously.

He's supposed to be my best friend,

- and he doesn't even...
- Yo!

Just dropping off...

What the hell is going on here?

Hello, darling.

Did you paint your toenails?

Just testing colors.

Nothing's going on.

Handy Andy is enjoying the company

of a considerate friend.

Nice bailing tonight, wuss.

Oh, I'm sorry. What'd you say, not Jonah?

[laughs] oh!

Yeah, no, he's my kid.

Right.

Could've waited an hour, Will.

One lousy hour of inconvenience to you,

and then we could've had our night out.

- But no.
- I agree with handy Andy.

Well, I was enjoying
the company of a friend

who's free to have fun, wine teeth.

Provided he finishes his homework first.

Well, I think handy
Andy needs to grow a set

and quit bailing.

- Marcus!
- In my defense,

I have no idea what any of that means.

You know what? I'm outta here.

Thanks for a fun time.

Oh, I see. Bailing again.

I'm not bailing. I'm just blowing you off.

[whistles, laughs]

[door opens and closes] [inhales]

It was a Shiraz, right?

2005.

Andy is either never around, which sucks,

or he bails completely, which blows.

So as a friend, Andy sucks and blows.

Yes, I can see how his demanding schedule

tramples on your boundless free time.

You know, your sarcasm is ineffective

against my absolute rightness...

Although halfway through that,

I closed my eyes, and I
thought you were Adele.

Do you have any awareness
of the challenges going on

in Andy's life right now?

Yeah, his best friend is pissed at him.

Andy and Laurie haven't
been alone in months.

Alex has anxiety going
to kindergarten every day,

and Madison can't poop unless
Andy is standing right there.

Yeah! How annoying is that?

You know you have

an absolutely one-sided
friendship with Andy.

Andy said that to you?

No, I'm saying that, and so would Adele.

It's always all about you, Will.

It is with profound grace and humility

that I accept your invitation

to be the little...

Baby Jonah's godfather.

Uh... [chuckles]

You're kidding, right?

The offer has been rescinded.

Rescinded? Ha. What?

The appropriate answer
when we first asked you

would have been to weep

and say that you'd be deeply honored.

But instead, you snubbed us

and made Andy jump out of a moving car.

Made him?

He opened the door and flew out!

You know what? Just get
out of my house, okay?

Andy, help me out here, man.

The truth is, you're
not godfather material.

- What?
- It's really hard to raise

- a kid, Will.
- You have no idea.

You're clueless.

There's no time for anything else.

We're so behind on Homeland,

we don't even know if
Abu Nazir is a bad guy.

Abu Nazir is a terrorist!

It couldn't be any clearer!

Have you never heard of spoiler alerts?

Honestly, this hurts. This hurts me, man.

Oh, you have pain.

[laughing] oh.

That's hilarious.

- It's hilarious.
- Andy was so devastated

by your shoddy treatment of him yesterday

that he couldn't even get
out of bed this morning.

Oh, really? Is that why you couldn't get

out of bed this morning?

- Yeah.
- Really?

'Cause I thought it was because he drank

two bottles of Shiraz

with my next-door
neighbor Fiona last night!

What? What?

- I...
- Who the hell is Fiona?

The woman he spent the
night with last night.

- That's...
- Spent the night with, Andy?

Honey, we... I had a
little bit of wine with her

because he'd already gone out.

All we did was talk about the kids.

That's all we did.

Is that all you did, handy Andy?

Aw, man.

Who the hell is handy Andy?

Andy. I may have fixed her cabinet.

Thank you.

Hey, man.

You know, I really wanted to
go out with you last night.

But you couldn't adjust
your plans by an hour.

One hour.

It's not just about last night, Andy.

You never have time for me anymore.

I mean, we've watched
the Super Bowl every year

since high school,

and last year, I got
tickets to the Super Bowl,

and you... and you bailed on me.

For my wife, who went into labor, man.

Ah, she knew I got those tickets, man.

I think she self-induced.

[crying]

Oh! That's disgusting.

That's my life.

All right? And the fact that you

consistently don't recognize that...

It really bums me out

that you haven't taken the
time to bond with the kids.

You don't even know their names.

I absolutely know their names.

Oh, really? Name them.

Listen, I'm gonna bond with them, okay?

When they're fully functioning.

When they don't need,
like, a team to go poop.

I'm sorry, Will.

This is who they are now.

This is who I am now.

You may be my best friend,

but you have not been a good friend.

Come on, guys.

[soft music]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, no spinning, okay?

Foosball is a precision sport.

It's a meticulous combination

of soccer and surgery.

Well, spinning is faster.

Oh, my God, you should see Andy play.

He's like the world's most precise surgeon

and Ronaldo rolled into one.

He once did a bicycle kick.

A bicycle kick in foosball!

I still don't know how he did it.

[foosball rod spins]

I love hanging with you, Will,

But I can't handle your
obsession with Andy.

Andy is way out of line

saying that I'm not a good friend.

I mean, he's just taking
his frustration out on me

because he's not free to do
the things he wants to do,

And I am free to do them.

But don't blame me for your freedom,

which you don't have,

or for not bonding with your infants,

who are arguably incapable of bonding.

Did you, like, think I became Andy

halfway through that?

Because that was really weird.

I'm leaving, Will.

No offense, it's just that

until you work things out with Andy,

I'd prefer to stay on my
side of the dumbwaiter.

Once again, I have something

important and wonderful to tell you.

You're not gonna be the godfather, Will.

But if you wanna be Fredo,
I'll gladly put you in a rowboat

and shoot you.

I'm not here to be the godfather, Laurie.

I am here to be a friend.

I would like to babysit

the little people while you two go out

and spend some alone time for a few hours.

Just... or maybe a little less.

A little less would be ideal for me.

Um, and maybe I'll even bond with, um,

Little Jonah and...

And the girl and...

Maddie and Alex.

I'm gonna learn their names.

That... this is awesome.

This is amazing.

Thank you so much, Will. See?

Um, are you insane?

We are not leaving our
babies alone with him.

Can we talk about it?

There's nothing to talk about.

I think there is something to talk about.

[whispering] well, I think there isn't.

Laurie, family meeting.

Now.

[gasps]

I hate when you do that.

Just let's go.

We'll be right back.

Come on. Just don't... let's go.

- [chomping]
- Fridge monster!

Okay, it's back in the fridge.

Crunch! Ah!

Dude!

Security deposit.

Okay.

So... did a little negotiating...

Hey, by the way, that whispering thing

was terrifying.

Yeah, all right. Whatever.

So Laurie's not gonna leave the house

with you here,

but you can watch the kids downstairs

While we spend a little
alone time upstairs.

If that's cool.

Mm-hmm.

So you guys are gonna...
while I'm down here.

I mean, that's cool.

I mean, not really, but
let's just go with it.

- Hey, thank you.
- Okay, okay, okay.

Okay. I've got a bottle prepared for Jonah,

but if he's still hungry,
there's cubes of frozen peas

and squash in the freezer.

Microwave them for 32 seconds.

Not 35, not 30.

You can cut up some apple for them,

but leave the skin on.

- It's full of antioxidants.
- Okay, come on.

Make sure you cut it into small slices,

so they don't... [chokes] okay.

You can put Jonah in his crib,

but you must swaddle him first.

You must. Also...

Enough. Honestly, you
sound like you're going

away for eight years.

I am here for 2 hours,
not 3, not 2 1/2, okay?

And I'm pretty sure
"swaddle" isn't even a word.

[laughing] oh.

It's in the Bible, Will.

The baby Jesus in his swaddling clothes.

Okay, come on, come on, come on.

- I'm not so sure.
- Let's go.

We'll be right upstairs
if anything happens.

Okay, hey, kiddos, have
fun. Use protection.

We don't want a troop surge.

The second I leave,
Jonah's gonna start to wail,

but he will calm down at some point.

Come get Andy if Madison has to poop,

because she won't do it without him.

- Come on, honey.
- Oh, and Alex is a biter!

Which one's Alex?

- [crying]
- Ow!

Found him.

[wailing]

Okay, hello, I'm Will.
I'll be your caregiver

For the next couple of hours.

Shall we begin the bondage?
A-as in bonding?

Not bond... not...

- [fussing]
- Moving on.

You're Jonah, 'cause you're the baby.

Listen, I understand you don't talk,

but this whole crying thing is just...

It's a nonstarter with me.

So if you could just smile or hum

if you have any concerns, appreciate that.

Okay, you're Alex, 'cause
you went all jaws on me,

which I can't even tell
you how uncool that is.

I mean, who bites someone on the butt?

And that makes you Madison,
the gun-shy pooper.

Listen, that situation of yours

is so far out of my wheelhouse

that, why don't we just
agree that while I'm here,

you'll eat nothing?

[shrieking]

Get back here, you little gangsters!

No water weaponry on my watch!

- [crying]
- Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

I thought we talked about
the crying thing, Jonah.

Ooh, I'm a silly man.

Silly man, silly man.

[chuckles]

You know what? This is just... whatever.

[stops crying]

Bull's-eye.

Oh, my God.

It's been too long.

Way too long.

Let's go. We don't have time.

- I need this.
- I know.

[breathing heavily]

All right, Abu Nazir.

What do you got?

- [dramatic music on TV]
- Yeah, baby.

Count with me.

Both: One, two,

Three, four...

You know, I wouldn't necessarily drink beer

like this at a bar,

but if you're just chilling
at home watching tube,

it's pretty sweet.

Check me, no hands, ready?

Mm. [giggling]

[laughs]

Madison, are you having a stroke?

She has to go poop, and that's a problem,

'cause dad's not here.

Well, that's not a problem.
We'll just get daddy.

Mommy and daddy are having sexy time.

You know what?

I got this.

[upbeat rock music]

[whistling melody]

Okay.

I'm gonna leave you here,

and then you do your business,

and then we'll go back to
watching the tube, you know.

We gotta see if dora and boots

can save the crystal kingdom,

'cause they're up against it.

No! I can't be alone.

Uh, well, that's kind of
how this whole thing works.

Maybe I'll stand out here,

and then you can do your thing?

I want my daddy.

Oh, okay. Okay, okay, okay.

I'm here with you. I'm
here with you, Madison.

All right? It's okay.

And there's no reason to be scared.

Sometimes my daddy holds my hand,

which sometimes helps.

Oh, I'm... I'm generally not a hand holder.

I...

Sometimes my daddy sings.

That helps.

Really?

What kind of music are you into?

You like hip-hop?

You like country?

You like hair band stuff?

Pop! Goes the weasel.

Oh, that's a good choice.

[clears throat]

Yeah. [inhales]

♪ All around ♪

♪ Some kind of bush ♪

♪ The monkey chased the weasel ♪

♪ The monkey stopped to take a leak ♪

♪ Pop! Goes the weasel ♪

[gasps]

I did it!

[laughing]

I love you, Will.

[laughing] I I...

I love you too, Madison.

Oh, my God.

[tender music]

Thanks, man.

- Can you wipe me, Will?
- Okay, your daddy's here.

- "And I vow to better myself..."
- Better myself.

"So I can be a better godparent to you."

I'm not saying this. This is stupid.

- Say it.
- I'm not gonna say it.

- Say it!
- Come on.

"And I vow to always love you

As if you were the fruit of my own loins."

- It's beautiful.
- It is sick.

- I'm done.
- What?

- I'm outta here.
- What are you doing?

Seriously?

Oh, that's... okay, that's right.

You just go back on over the bridge!

City trash!

- [crying]
- Real classy!

You did this, Will!

[engine turns over]

Turn it off.