A Nero Wolfe Mystery (2001–2002): Season 2, Episode 6 - Motherhunt: Part 1 - full transcript

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(piano playing)

(phone ringing)

Hello.

(click)

Ah, hello?

(Wolfe)
"Mrs. Valdon,

"this baby is for you
because a boy

should live
in his father's house."

Is this likely
or merely credible?

Madam... madam?



Your dendrobium aphrodite
has an aphid.

Is...

oh, it's just dust,
sorry.

Pretty, though,
who's your florist?

Madam!

Dick had a don juan reputation
when i

how long were
you married?

11 months, and i know
what people were saying.

They were saying,

"oh, he's marrying
an armstead."

Well, i was marrying
a famous author.

I was mrs. Richard Valdon.

Well, i thought
we were in love.

For me, there was
no one but me and him.



How old was he
when he died?

Ah, 46.

And how old are you?

Old enough.

He could've had
one woman or a dozen.

I just don't know.

Oh, is this
a carlyle?

Uh...

yes, it is.

Can you get to
the problem, madam?

Of course, the baby.

Well, i always intended
to have two or three

and i just put it off,
i kept putting it off.

And, now, i do have one
and the note is correct.

A child should live
in his father's house.

The question is,
is dick the father?

Phooey... never to be answered
and you know it.

Phooey?

You are the best
detective in the world.

The best detective
in the world

may be a rude tribesman
with a limited vocabulary.

I cannot help you,
madam, no one can.

You can help me
find the mother.

Now, i have something here.

Please...

glasses.

Yes... oh, here it is.

The doctor said the baby
is five months old.

Which means that
he was born last june

and conceived last fall.

It could take months.

Have you arranged for
custody of this child?

Oh, yes, my lawyer
took care of that.

Is he aware that
you have consulted me?

Yes, and he disapproves
and i don't care.

It's my business,
his business is just the law.

Hmm.

It will be necessary to get
information from you, hmm.

And to examine the clothes
that the baby arrived in.

These pinholes,

the note was not attached
with a safety pin.

No, just an
ordinary pin.

What are the odds,
mr. Goodwin,

that a woman would expose
a baby to a bare pin?

Say, ten to one.

Yes, well...

were you alone in the house
when the call came?

Ah, yes, i came home from
the country a day early.

My staff had
the weekend off.

Why is that important?

Whoever did this, madam,
is someone you know.

How could you know that?

If you cannot
use your own brain,

mr. Goodwin will explain,
excuse me.

Well, ah... isn't there
some sort of retainer?

Yes, a dollar,
a hundred,

a thousand,
it doesn't matter.

(Archie)
Wolfe's mind was on
the shad roe casserole

slated for lunch.

He and Fritz had a disagreemet
over the use of onion,

which had
never been resolved.

Mrs. Valdon, perhaps we
should go to your place

and retrieve the
baby's clothes and, ah...

whoa...

ah, conduct the rest
of the interview there.

Oh, yes, all right.

Well, here we are.

Mrs. Valdon.

Well, nice digs.

Yes, i love this house.

My great grandfather
built it.

One thing i know for sure is
that dick loved this house.

Mrs. Valdon...

here are
your invitations.

Oh, thank you,
miss mimm.

Yes, right this way,
we'll sit in the salon.

No.

Ah... yes, yes.

Oh, yes, in fact,
buy a whole table.

Sit.

Is there
anyone who might have

had it in for you,
mrs. Valdon?

In for me?

No, but send them regrets.

Hated you enough to
saddle you with a loose baby?

No... no,
but write them a note.

The armstead's are a rather
dull but responsible family.

No one hates us.

My only controversial
hobby is killer fog.

Fog kills?

32 people in 1948.

A small, little
coal town in pennsylvania.

What did they do,
get lost in the fog

and fall down into the mine
or something like that?

There is no humor in it.

Oh no, no, none, really.

It's going to happen
right here in new york city.

You mark my words.

It's the cars.

Ban the subway,
we should all walk to work.

That's what i say!

(cooing)

Oh, there he is.

Well, hello,
hello, hello.

I'd introduce you but
i'm not gonna name him

until i decide
to keep him.

Ah... hello.

You know, i better not.

I haven't read the
instruction manual.

Sorry, there.

Well, i'm considering moses

'cause moses didn't know who
his father was, either.

Ah, miss mimm, show
mr. Goodwin to the nursery

and help him pack up the
clothing the baby came in.

Now?

Yes, please, go along.

(to baby)
Hello... you wanna
play the piano?

(playing piano)

(clearing throat)

Oh... hello.

Hello, yes, i need
those names, now.

Oh, i told you, his best
friends were leo bingham,

Willis Krug and julian haft.

No, no, no, i mean
the female ones...

candidates.

Look, i know it
must be hard to name...

women that dick might have
played house with but...

the problem is not that
it's hard, mr. Goodwin.

It's that it's so easy.

There's a list.

You know what?

I would like a martini,
would you?

Is it too early, or what?

Well, ah...

i, ah... ahem, i might
as well be sociable.

One of my functions is
to understand the women

we're dealing with since
Wolfe is so hopeless at it.

Oh, so it's
part of your job?

Sure.

Are you an expert at it?

Some have said so, yes.

Ah, keep playing
and i'll, uh...

make some martinis.

I like it
five to one, you?

Oh, of course.

There we are.

Oh, no, no, no,
you can't just drink it.

We must be civilized
and observe a ritual.

You take a sip of mine and
i take a sip of yours.

That's a fine, old,
persian custom

used to foil poisonings.

What am i doing?

Why did i do that?

Get to the "why"

and earlier, i almost
called you "Archie".

Well, my name's Archie.

Are you a hypnotist?

No.

Well, i'm not
trying to flirt.

I don't even know
how to flirt.

You know, don't even know
men and women flirt...

horses flirt,
parakeets flirt.

Undoubtedly, oysters flirt

but they must have
some special, little...

don't forget the baby's clothes
when you go, mr. Goodwin.

Was it the oysters?

What the devil is this?

Ah, this is
baby paraphernalia.

There are no laundry marks
or store labels.

But there is
one item that might help

if you don't spot it
yourself,

then it may not
be worth mentioning.

Did you get the names?

Yes, would you
like it verbatim?

I am.

What else?

Well, there is a monet and
a munch in the front hallway

and, also,
an antique salor rug.

Is it a real salor?

Yes, i believe it was...
now, i'm in bad with her

'cause i forgot she was
an armstead and i'm a peasant.

But she'll sleep it off.

Maybe you better
report verbatim.

Oh, no, not necessary,
i'm satisfied.

Any suggestions?

Yes, tell her that
you've discovered

that the baby is mine

and if she'll marry me,
she can have it...

shut up.

The buttons on that
garment seem inappropriate.

There's a considerable
variation in size and shape.

Couldn't possibly have
been made by a machine.

Well, congratulations.

Should i apologize for pulling
a feather from your cap?

Nah, we'll split it.

Ah, the brand label
appears to be "little cherub"

which is located in the
garment district.

I'll go there
and see what they know.

The garment district
of new york

is no place
to go for a stroll.

I visited three baby outfitters
and four button firms

asking about
home-made horsehair buttons

and nobody knew
and nobody cared.

Then i saw a sign,

"mr. Lossoff's
distinguished buttons".

I would've gone there first
had i known.

I am searching for some...

(speaking foreign language)

What can you tell
me about these?

Ooh... ooh...

mmm...

where did you
find this button?

Hey, that's my line.

You're a button man?
A what?

Buttons, buttons,
are you a button man?

Ah, no, no,
no, no.

See, the thing is,

i found these overalls
and i was trying...

let me tell you
something, you listen up.

I know everything there is
to know about buttons.

I have, in fact, the most
extensive button collection...

in all the world.

I have sold buttons
to the duchess of windsor,

the queen of england,

to the greatgreat,
great bette davis

and i also like
to donate buttons.

I have,
to five different museums

in nine different
countries.

And i have never,
absolutely never,

met a man who could
show me a button

that i could not pick out
immediately, pick 'em out.

Course,
that i could not pick out
uh, until you... ck 'em out. S, of

all right,
you listen to me.

I've listened,
now it's your turn.

I know less about buttons than
any man in the world, and yet,

i need to know about these
buttons and you can't tell me.

Well, i admit,
that's true...

but you're the button man.
I am the button man!

I know everything there is
about buttons...

all right,
let me ask you this.

Were they made by machine?

Oh, come on,
don't be ridiculous.

This is... this is
horsehair.

Horsehairs?

Yes, each button
was made by hand.

It took hours, the technique
i'm not even familiar with.

I'll buy it from you,
add it to my collection.

Well, i'll see if i can.

I recognize a button fiend
when i see one, but, ah...

no... no.

I really must go.

That's right, easy.

Well?

I just met a man who knows
as much about buttons

as you do about food.

He said he's never seen
anything like these buttons.

He said somebody must have
taken hours to make each one.

Satisfactory.

Oh, ah, is there time to put
an ad in tomorrow's paper?

Times, news
andgazette.

Well, if i hop on it,
i can get all three

if i wait, it'll be
thegazetteonly.

Then we'll place
an ad in each.

Bold faced,
36-point type.

$100 to be given
to the first person

to provide information
leading to the maker

by hand of white horsehair
buttons, irregular in size.

By 8:00 a.m.
The next morning,

the ad had flushed out
beatrice epps,

who only had one thing
on her beady, little mind.

How do i know
you'll pay me?

You don't.

Naturally, what you tell me
will have to be useful.

You could tell me
you knew a man in singapore

who made horsehair buttons
but now he's dead.

Een
to singapore.

Exactly, yes, ah,
so where'd you see them?

On a girl's blouse.

She filled in at the
office for a month.

Fromstopgap
employment agency.

Ah-ha, do they look
anything like these?

Exactly like that.

She said her aunt
made them out of horsehair.

And what's her name?

I suppose
i have to tell you.

Anne.

Her name's anne tenzer.

You'll probably
find her attractive.

Everybody else did.

Thanks.

Miss epps was right.

Miss tenzer probably
aroused in many men

the feelings necessary

for the propagation
of the species.

Perhaps even
richard Valdon.

Mr. Goodwin.

Miss tenzer.

Ahem, yes, yes.

Ahem, you
recognize these?

Of course
i recognize them.

(waitress)
Drinks?

What'll you have?
Bloody mary.

A glass of milk for me.

So...

they're made
by my aunt ellen.

It takes her forever
just to make one.

Winding horsehair
around and around

isn't much of a hobby.

But there's not really
much else to do in mahopac.

Don't tell me that somebody
saw me wearing these.

They'd barely fit.

Yes... kind of special
how i got 'em,

would you like
to hear about it?

Would you like
to hear about it?

That's my one fault, i'm not
really interested in anything

that doesn't involve me.

Yeah...

now, haven't we had
enough about buttons?

Sure, sure,
let's talk about work.

I collect buttons,

and you work for stopgap
employment services.

How many gaps
need to be stopped?

Oh, i'm very, very busy.

Very special, when a private
secretary to a big executive

gets married or fired
by the boss's wife,

i'm the one they ask for.

Hmm, because the
boss's wives like you?

I'm more like revenge.

Ah.

Here you are.

All right,
here we are.

So, ahem...

you work for big executives,
tell me this,

you ever work for a scientist
or, say, a famous author?

Ha-ha.

No, no, no,
they couldn't afford me.

I got home and
gave Wolfe the facts.

When i finished,
he said...

satisfactory.

Then he decided that
was an understatement.

Very satisfactory.

And i could use a raise.

No doubt.

Get saul now.

Why?

I didn i'd quit
if i didn't get a raise.

Merely that i could use one.

And i said, "no doubt."
You will go to mahopac.

Meanwhile, saul will learn
whether miss tenzer

gave birth to that baby.

He will do so
without stirring dust.

Indubitably, he is the
seventh son of a seventh son.

And sadly, my friends,

that is how the government
has left the situation

in eastern pennsylvania.

Now, last december,
when a thick fog

intensified by coal tar smoke
covered london for three days,

4,703 people died.

(whistling)

Now, an analysis of the air
shows levels of

sulfur dioxide
and carbon monoxide

which increased whenever
the temperature rose

over a four-day period.

You could not see
across the street.

The fog was so thick.

(Archie)
I stopped by
on my way out of town

but she was all
wrapped up in fog.

On her, it looked good.

...deny that the fog had
anything to do with the deaths.

There's a church
on the one side

and a restaurant
on the other side.

And make a left-hand turn

three or four miles
down the road there,

you'll reach
your point, okay?

Fine.

Good luck.

After conferring
with the local sage,

i found aunt ellen's cottage
off the beaten path.

Well, what brings you
out this way?

Ah, ellen tenzer?

Yes?

My name's Archie Goodwin,
i'm in the button business.

I understand you are, too.

I'm particularly interested
in your horsehair buttons.

Buttons, now...

why would you think
that i make buttons?

Ah, well, you'd like me better
if i said it was for art's sake

but, well, i'm
in the button business.

Yeah, so you said.

Well, i only have
about 17 right now.

17, huh?

Well, you don't suppose
i could get a glass of water?

It was a very long
drive up here.

Sure, come on in.

Aunt ellen
didn't seem surprised

to find a button collector
on her doorstep.

And when i saw Wolfe's ad on
her kitchen table, i knew why.

So, how did you hear
about my buttons?

This is very good water

all right, bub, you've had
your water, now move on.

Miss tenzer,
i just drove 60 miles...

i don't care if you
drove 600 miles.

I'm not gonna
show you my buttons

and i'm not gonna talk to
you about them.

Now get out!

The aunt's not the mother

but she knows who put
the overalls on the baby.

She may be phoning that
somebody right now

but that can't be helped.

Now, i'm gonna go back
and stake her out.

We can cover her
around the clock

if you send out saul,
fred, and orrie.

When will you eat?

Maybe tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

She'd left.

It called for profanity
and i used some.

I don't apologize.

Looking at baby

for the next 18 hours,
saul panzer, fred durkin

and orrie cather,
in shifts,

but nobody came.

Damn it, orrie, are you
sure it was stebbins?

No, no, just come in.

All right, that was orrie,
i told him to come in

because the aunt will not
be coming home, she's dead.

Three men in a state
police car showed up

and one of them was
purley stebbins.

Now, it doesn't take
luck or brains to know

that a homicide serot go to

that a homicide serot go to coun
for white horsehair buttons.

A presumption
is not a certainty.

Invite lon cohen
for lunch.

All right, come on,
what do you wanna know?

I'm not here because
you enjoy my company.

What do you know about a woman
named tenzer, ellen tenzer?

Roundabout, Archie,

if you wanna know
about a murder, just say so.

So.

Okay, ellen tenzer, huh?

Well, about
6:00 this morning

a cop was asked to
investigate a body

that was on a fire escape
on 38th street.

He investigated,
it was...

ellen tenzer
and she'd been strangled.

Ellen tenzer
and she'd been strangled. Piece o
f cord

still wrapped
around her throat.

Happy now?

Who was she?

Well, she was
a registered nurse.

Ahhh.

What?

"Ahhh."

Oh, "ahhh"?

In upstate new york,
uh, mahopac

and had enough to live on
so she quit her job

and started
boarding babies.

Did she board
illegitimate children?

I don't know.

Why?

Some do.

Yeah, but why specifically
asking about illegitimate...

uh, where did
they come from?

No one knows,
why do you ask...

you know, strange.

Little town like mahopac,
nobody knows.

That's right,
strange, huh?

Why do you ask
specifically about...

uh, who was the last
boarder?

No one knows anything,
except it was a boy.

Oh, and that it was
a month old when it arrived

and that she
called it "buster".

Ahh.

Buster,
that's something.

Are you done now?

Thanks.
Happy now?

Good, i raist about
those buttons, fellas?

Those buttons
that you advertised?

Nahh.

Did you get them?
Yes or no.

You would not do that if you
had a trained mind like mine.

See, we run
an ad for buttons

and then we ask you
about ellen tenzer.

You assume there's
a connection.

Yeah, logic is like that.

Not at all, no.

Mr. Wolfe likes horsehair
buttons for his pants.

He does, huh?

Yes, for his
suspenders.

Suspenders?

Sure, see?

Ahh.

Heh.

Well, you talk about ifs.

Futile.

If i'd stuck with her,
she might still be alive.

Now we have cramer and
stebbins on our trail

and my fingerprints
all over her house.

You can supply no information
relevant to the murder.

The hell i can't.

You were hired to
find horsehair buttons

and you don't know why.

Then i'm withholding evidence,
uh, do i name the client?

Disclose the name
of a cli

simply because the police
want to test an assumption.

I was at her house, she
poured me a glass of water.

Archie...

do you think i can
identify the mother

without learning who
killed that woman?

No.

Well then,
don't badger me.

It's bad enough
without that.

(Archie)
Since the genius was
not inclined to work,

i used my first-rate
detective skills to find out

how much the police knew before
they came to haul me away.

My first stop
was anne tenzer,

who had been hauled down to
headquarters and was sore.

You're not
a button collector.

You're Nero Wolfe's legman,
Archie Goodwin.

I'm really more of
an ass

well, it's not that you lied,
that's your job.

And it's not my aunt ellen.

Whoever killed her,
you didn't start it.

And still you're
sore at me?

Yes... although
i'm not sure why.

I am an heiress now,

and a dog with really
bad breath.

Mmm.

Maybe you just wanted
to see my face again

and you didn't
know how to ask.

No, no, that's not it.

Not precisely...
but it's close.

(cello playing)

Ahem.

Oh, mr. Goodwin!

Mrs. Valdon.

I take it you have not
seen the evening edition.

Well, i've seen it,
i just haven't read it.

Well, let me brief you.

On friday morning, i called on
a woman named ellen tenzer.

The baby...

had been with her in
her house for three months.

Oh, so,
she's the mother.

No.

Uh, she knows who
the mother is?

She probably did.

You mean she forgot?
What?

How could she forget?

Well, she didn't.

The grandmother?
No.

The aunt, the uncle,
the second cousin?

She's dead.

Dead?
Yeah, strangled.

Murdered?

Yeah.

Now, it's almost certain

that the police will find out
that i was at her house,

ask me why, and...

so you're saying
it was my fault.

Well, listen, if i tell them
that you're my client,

you'll get invited
downtown for a chat.

I'm responsible
for a murder.

No, no, no, i was the one
who left her alone, see.

The responsibility belongs
to whoever left the baby

in your vestibule, see?
So, don't try to claim it.

I don't like this.

Murder, it's so...
it's just bad.

What do you mean, i'm
gonna be sent downtown?

By the police?

That was an "if", mrs. Valdon
if we name you as the client.

Why don't you
call me lucy?

You're pretty giddy for a girl
who doesn't know how to flirt.

But, put it in writing
and i will.

So, you've come here
to tell me

not to tell anyone
that i've hired you.

Were you followed?

Only if he was
very good.

Now, if you think
we owe you an apology

for letting a mother hunt hatch
a murder, well, here it is.

Oh no, no, i'm the one
that owes you an apology.

Oh, lucy,
that's not the word.

I was such a...
a nitwit.

Oh, you're going?

Well, i've done
my errand, so.

Oh, well then.

Good-bye.

Good-bye.

I came home to find
inspector cramer and mr. Wolfe

engaged in a friendly
interrogation.

(cramer)
...and Goodwin's
prints are everywhere.

And if i don't get an
explanation from you

i'm gonna take you in

and you can talk to
the district attorney.

Or i'm gonna take you in and you
can talk to the commissioner.

Any way,
i'm gonna take you in!

(Wolfe)
You're taking me in?!

If you take me in,
i will stand mute!

I would sleep under a bridge
and eat scraps before i would

submit a client to
official harassment.

Ha-ha-ha, you?
Eating scraps?

Yes, i would!

Ha-ha!
Never happen.

Inspector cramer,
fancy meeting you here.

Goodwin, i'm glad
you're here.

I hope you're packed

because i'm taking you
downtown.

Let's go.

Oh, come on,
let's go!

I was in custody
from 10:04 p.m. Sunday

to 10:05 a.m. Monday,

when nathaniel parker,
Wolfe's attorney,

arrived with my bail.

Well, well, i see you've kept
busy... i'm going upstairs.

I had a one-hour nap
with a dick standing by.

What's for lunch?

Sweetbreads
witechamel sauce,

watercress and
beet salad and brie.

Well, if there's enough left
over, you should have some.

Archie... Archie!

Before you go, if you
could arrange to have

mrs. Valdon here at 2:00.

As we are
under surveillance,

she should enter
through the back.

And i should resign on
the spot, but i'm too tired.

I told Archie that
i was sorry that i was late.

I had no idea that he had to
wait at the back gate for me.

It was a bad start.

So, her saying "Archie"
meant to him

that she was taking liberties
or that i already had.

(sighs)

Are you ready?

Yes.

Mr. Goodwin and i are in
a pickle, mrs. Valdon.

Ellen tenzer is dead,

and, for the present, we shall
leave her to the police

because we know that she didn't
put the baby in the vestibule.

How do we know that?

Inference.

A nurse wouldn't
use a bare pin.

Yes.

Now, the point is that,

assume that
ellen tenzer was killed

to prevent her from revealing
the origin of the baby,

and we continue to conceal
your connection to her,

then mr. Goodwin and i

are withholding evidence of a
homicide and that is a felony.

So, you assume that is
why she was killed?

It would be vacuous not to.

Why?

Focus on the point,
if you can.

If we continue
to conceal what we know

to prevent you from being
badgered by the police,

then it won't do to merely
find out who the mother is.

We must also discover
who the murderer is.

Why?
Be...

Archie!

I don't want to have
anything to do with a murderer.

You don't, mrs. Valdon,
but we do.

Look, what he's saying is,

if you drop us we're gonna
have to open up to the cops

and then, you'll have cops,
you'll have reporters

on your doorstep asking you,
your friends, your family,

all about the baby,
you see?

But, if you stick with us,

well, the cops will never have
to know anything about your,

uh, connection to ellen tenzer,
provided you don't say anything.

Not if you're
no longer a client.

Ahem.

Oh, i am!
Of course, i am.

Archie!

Oh, uh...
mrs. Valdon...

lucy, lucy...
prefers us over the cops.

It's uh... good for
the self-esteem.

L... i can proceed?

Oh, yes, please.

We shall need your help,
mrs. Valdon.

I would like an expanded list
of the names of the women

who might have consorted
with your husband last fall.

I want to meet with four men

who knew more than you did
about his escapades.

That would be, um,
leo, julian, Willis

and, i assume,
Manny upton.

And i have your promise that if
you are contacted by the police,

you will stand mute.

Yes.

One more question.

Where were you last friday
evening after 8:00?

The night
she was murdered?

Yes.

Ha, you can't
mean that.

You should be gratified that
i consider it imaginable.

You have a funny notion of what
gratifies people, mr. Wolfe.

I dined with the governor
to discuss killer fog

and was home
for the 10:00 feeding.

Are you referring
to the london event?

Yes.
Ah.

Mrs. Valdon thinks that
the air has somehow, uh,

become poisonous, see.

Archie, it is sulfur dioxide.

We are going to
poison ourselves

to get home from the office
five minutes sooner.

Now, to address
your query, mr. Wolfe.

It is utter nonsense
to suspect me.

Nothing is nonsense concerning
the vagaries of human conduct.

Good day, mrs. Valdon.

Good day.

For the next two hours,

we arranged a very different
social event

from the ones
mrs. Valdon was used to.

I called her lucy once,

and she
called me Archie twice.

Hmm.

Thank you.

Well, i, um... i had
a lovely afternoon.

As did.

Good-bye.

Ah, the party has been
arranged for 9:00.

You are aware that i am not
going to ask you what was on

that piece of paper
that woman handed you.

Oh, now it can be mentioned,
see, she wrote in long-hand

"my dearest Archie,
lizzie borden took an ax

gave her mother 40 whacks,
your loving lucy."

In case you're
wondering what...

shut up.

Uh, Fritz?

You don't dust.

(Archie)
The party began on time.

I profiled them neatly for
Wolfe and will do so for you.

Manual upton, the editor
ofdistaff magazine,

discovered dick Valdon and
published his first stories.

Willis Krug was
Valdon's agent

and anxious to
get back to work.

The distinguished julian haft
published mr. Valdon's novels

and claimed to be
his good friend.

Leo bingham was
dick Valdon's oldest friend

and fellow connoisseur of
the female of the species.

Mmm, incredible!

Serving this elixir offhand
and to a stranger, my god!

In my house,
a guest is a guest,

stranger or not.

You are a radio producer,
are you not?

Ance to meet you.

I've often thought you'd have
enormous possibilities for radio

and now that i've
heard your voice,

my god,
it would be stupendous!

(julian)
This is the way it goes,
mr. Wolfe.

Mass culture, he's
interested in your voice.

I'minterested
in your mind.

Ah.

Have you ever
written a book?

Nothing corrupts a man
so deeply as

i wouldn't presume.

Could we get started?
I've got calls to make.

It's simple.

Your friend, lucy Valdon,
is being blackmailed.

She has received
several anonymous letters

from a woman claiming to have
been intimate with her husband.

Whuest from you
is a list of every woman

with whom you think
that possible.

Mrs. Valdon has told me
that you would be of help.

More brandy,
mr. Bingham?

Mm, payola.

He pours,
the bribe...

he sips.

But what a bribe.

What does this lover say,
exactly?

That would violate
a firm assurance

that i've
given my client.

Hell, i'm hooked,
i'm bribed.

Yes.

I'm against anyone sending
anonymous letters,

no matter who.

I'll call in later with
my list, can i go now?

You should be looking into
that baby she has up there.

If you don't,
you're gonna hash it up.

Lucy Valdon wants a favor
from me, she can ask me.

Thank you for coming,
gentlemen.

Well, i don't mind.

It might take some time,
i'm a very busy man.

Upton was the only one
who refused.

And when the lists were
gathered and cross-referenced,

we had 148 names.

And so, conceived by Wolfe,
executed by Goodwin

and fueled by the client's
hard-earned, inherited cash,

the great mother hunt began.

When the results were in,

four mystery babies
had been accounted for

and seven women who had
been away in june

had been tracked down.

Orrie had flofred to arizona.

When saul phoned in to report
that he'd closed the last gap...

26 days and $8,670 later...

we were precisely where
we had been when we started.

Nowhere.

There were, however,

two significant
developments.

The first was that my
relationship with the client

had grown increasingly
cordial.

When a client is
shelling out $300 a day

and getting nothing
for her dough,

the least you can do
is drop in and say hello.

(swing music)

I discovered that as a dancer,
she was no slouch.

She was good enough to
take to the "flamingo club".

The second development
was that lucy came

within an ace
of quitting as a client.

Cramer put two and two
together and got four

and sent stebbins
to do the counting.

Yes?

Sergeant stebbins,
homicide,

new york city
police department.

Is mrs. Valdon at home?

It's all right, eve,
i'll talk to the gentleman.

May i help you?

Mrs. Valdon?
Sergeant stebbins,

new york city police
department, homicide.

Did you know an
ellen tenzer?

What business
is that of yours?

Ss.
Eople's busine

well, do you have
a writ or a warrant

or whatever it is
that you need?

Do you have all the papers

for that little
foundling you took in?

Of course.

I've gotta warn you,
mrs. Valdon,

if we make the connection
between you and tenzer

and Nero Wolfe on our own,

r next interview is gonna
be downtown at headquarters.

Good, i've always
wanted to see them.

My grandfather's company
poured the foundations.

Good day.

After purley left, the queen
stormed out of her castle

and paid a visit
to the peasant.

It was such an intrusion,
it was rude!

Oh, i'm so confused, Archie.

You said you were
gonna protect me.

You wanna hold hands, fine.

You wanna be
a huffy client, fine.

But it's not fair for a huffy
client to call me Archie.

I'm not huffy.

Crabby.

I'm not crabby.

Irritable.

All right,
the point is this.

Mixing personal and business is
not good for either one of us.

Don't be silly, Archie.

We've been mixing business and
personal for over a month now.

You promised mr. Wolfe...

they know about the baby and
they know that i'm your client.

Are you gonna
keep your mouth shut?

He came to my home

and started
asking me questions.

Lucy... are you?

(sighs)

(snoring)

I won't be
joining you for coffee,

i have a date, of sorts.

And i know we're
expecting cramer

but he almost never
comes after dinner.

He'll probably be here
tomorrow at 11:02 anyway, so.

Where can you
be reached?

Uh, you can reach me
at mrs. Valdon's number.

She was just here
this afternoon.

Yes, she was shying
a little, you know.

She wants some assurance that
you could stay in the saddle

and i supplied it.

Ah, she, uh... she just
wants to make sure

you're not
going to pull out

and she asked me to
report what you said.

Flummery.

Right, i'll tell her that.

I was off by three minutes.

Cramer arrived at 11:05
the next morning.

What's the matter,
you blocked?

Yes.

Oh, the hell you are.

Do you deny that there is
a direct connection between

odwin seeing ellen tenzer
and the murder?

No, nor affirm it.

I don't know, mr. Cramer,
neither do you.

Nuts... you can add
just as well as i can.

You've been spending lucy
Valdon's money like it's water.

I don't know what panzer,
durkin and cather are doing

but i know what
they're not doing.

They're not investigating
the death of ellen tenzer.

Therefore, you already
know who killed her.

As reasoning, that is
admirably specious.

But i give you my word,
mr. Cramer,

i haven't the slightest
notion who killed ellen tenzer.

Your word.

My word.

And what the hell are Goodwin
and his monkeys doing?

Uh, what has
that got to do

with the price of eggs
in reykjavik?

Well, the 8-to-2 man
says you entered at 9

and never came out.

And my 2-to-8 man says
you didn't come out, either.

You spent the night
there, Goodwin.

This was all Wolfe needed.

First, a woman passes
a note to me under his nose

now cramer was taking notes
under my window.

Uh, what night?

Last night.

Oh, uh, actually, uh,

mrs. Valdon and i, we were
feeling somewhat high

and we decided to go
dance on the sidewalk.

So, we went outside at
about a quarter to two.

About a quarter after two,
she went back inside.

I left and both
your men missed me.

How do you like that?

You're a liar!

And you're
pig-headed!

And i want to know the real
reason why mrs. Valdon

is spending
a fortune on some stray baby

and keeping her lip
buttoned about it.

And if i don't
get the answer from you,

bygod, i'm gonna
get it from her.

After all this?

After i have indulged you
to theost?

You dare molest my client?

You're damn right
i would.

I don't care
what her name is.

Cramer'san the d.a.'s bite.

They only kept lucy
downtown for four hours

but, for an armstead,
that was enough

and she went to recover
at her country cottage.

She took her baby, the nurse,

the maid
and the cook...

and me.

It was a modest
little cottage

it was a modest
for the russian army. Ust e
nough room

(sighs)

Won't mr. Wolfe
object to you

being here
with me, the client?

Yes, but he can't fire me.

Why not?

Because,
if i wasn't around

he'd be sleeping under a
bridge and eating scraps.

He hates to work and half my
salary comes from poking him.

Sounds dangerous.

Yeah, see, when i poke hard,
he asks for suggestions

then avoids work
by dismissing my ideas.

So, my strategy
this weekend,

was to prod him along

and make myself unavailable
for him to scowl at.

You think it'll work?

I will see in a few hours.

Good morning...
good morning!

Aw, you should have
joined us this weekend.

What a weekend!

Tramping the moors,
the fresh air,

the late-night fires
crackling as they were.

The beautiful...

get your notebook!

Thus started the second stage
of the mother hunt.

And it was elaborate,
even by Wolfe's standards.

But i don't wanna
go back to town.

It's not so much
the going back i object to,

it's publicity... period.

I'm an arm...

you're an armstead,
you're an armstead,
yes, yes, i know.

But i thought you were
tired of being an armstead

and that's why you've
taken up with

a raffish character like me.

True.

Yes, true, so?

Ohh, all right.

All right, great, now, i am
going to see you tomorrow

and i'm gonna go
plant a story now.

All right, see it,
the sunday feature

with a good, wholesome title,
"women like babies"

mostly pictures.

What text there is, will talk
about how lucy Valdon,

has taken a baby into
her luxurious h

how she's hired a nurse who's
so devoted to the little lambkin

she takes it out to
washington square park

every morning at 8:30 to enjoy
the beauties of nature.

Lambkin?

Ah, angel pie, shmookie...
i'm not writing it, you are.

Goodwin, you've got thnerve of a
one-legged man

at an ass-kicking contest...
get out of here.

That's not only vulgar,
it's irrelevant.

Ellen tenzer was murdered
because of that baby.

You want us to
put a spotlight on that?

Next day the baby's
snatched

and then thegazettegets
blamed for it, pass-adena.

Did i mention to you that
the nurse will be a detective?

That's right, sally corbett,
the best female op around

aside from dol bonner,
and that fred durkin

saul panzer and orrie cather
will be watching her back.

Oh.

Who killed ellen tenzer?

That's why we're doing this,
that's the beauty of this.

Ah.

(phone ringing)

All right,
the picture...

(phone ringing)

I'm talking to somebody,
can you wait a minute?

The picture deadline for
sunday is thursday, 6:00.

What do you owe me?
Dinner.

What do you
owe me?

An exclusive!
Get out of here.

What do you want?

(Archie)
I spent the next day of
the mother hunt

with sally corbett,

necessary for me

to revise my prejudice
against female ops.

And i held it against her

like Wolfe held it
against jane austen

for proving womenite.

Did you ever
find my hat?

I don't remember
you in a hat.

Oh, here we go.

I tried the fish-eye lens but
the aperture is too big.

16 millimeter,
i tried the fish-eye lens but
the aperture is too big. The

but i'm concerned about
the distortion.

Huh.

The remote cable shutter
release works like a charm.

Yes, you know, you say
the most poetic things.

How long before you're
ready for the shoot?

Just got to get
glamorous first.

"Women love babies".

Ah, it's a matter
of taste, i think.

I would have preferred,
"women like babies".

A little more subtle.

Ah, have a look
at that.

Oh, dear, lucy armstead
in thegazette.

Shocking.

I've already had calls from
three of my friends,

uncle Wimmie and
my sister in boston.

Uncle Wimmie?

Oh, yes, he's a little
touched in the head.

Great storyteller,
though, ha-ha.

Um, croissant?

Ah, yeah.
Yes, ahem.

Tamara, don't you have
diapers to wash or something?

With the teddy bear wired

and sally made
to look like a nurse,

we were ready for anyone who
wanted to look at the baby.

What they didn't know was
that we were looking back,

hoping one of them
was the mother.

Hello, little soldier,
how are you?

The, uh, camera is
concealed in the teddy bear,

you see the eye?

Yes.

It's a lens.

Yes, it's, uh,
remote control.

Yes.

I got the focusing
down pat yesterday.

Anyone looking at the baby
from six yards or less

is gonna get shot in focus.

I tried the 16-millimeter lens
but because of the distor...

madam, if you
would focus!

Did mrs. Valdon
recognize any of these?

Uh, no, we're
waiting for reports

from her husband's friends.

How much did this
contraption cost me?

Oh, 3,000,
between 3 and 4,000.

Uh, the beauty of
this teddy bear

is that it could
have been the right eye

but sally figured that
if it was the left eye

because people tend to
kinda look into a baby,

you know, like that.

That's ridiculous.

The teddy bear pictures were
shipped to dick's three friends,

julian, Willis and leo,

to see if they could
spot one of his playmates.

No.

(man)
Don't recognize
any of them.

Nope, not a one.

Let's hope
today's crop is better.

Today's crop
was a lot better.

A woman arrived in a cab

and seemed to know
exactly why she was there.

W... wait, she took a cab
there to see the baby?

Well, let's
go find the hackie.

(Fritz)
If you cannot abide onion,

you must have something
to cut the oil.

Parsley.

Hmm.

Sorrel.
Ah!

Congratulations.

Your theory that a woman who
had a baby six months ago

might ike now...

it was sound, two to one,
we have hooked the mother.

Ah, satisfactory.

How many leaves?

I would think about
one per serving.

One?

Monday morning's crop

was three rolls,
26 exposures altogether

and one of them was worth
its weight in rubies.

(man)
That's her.

Now, if i may, i'm going to
take that to mrs. Valdon

see if she knows her.

You can reach me
at her number.

Andyouare to
stay out of my desk.

After the strain
of appearing in the press,

i thought it would
cheer the client up

to know the mother hunt
might be over.

Carol mardus...
i should have known.

I haven't seen you
beaten 'til now.

Dick said it was
all in the past.

But, when they were together,
you could still see it.

She and dick...
they weren't tame.

Yeah, but it ended.

Yes.

But when she got Manny upton
to take dick's stories,

Manny made her
a fiction editor

and she was with Manny.

She left Manny
to marry Willis Krug.

Well, that didn't
last either.

Now... she wasn't
on your list.

Well, i didn't think of her,
i mean, not with a baby.

She told me when
she was married to Willis

that she got pregnant
and got rid of it.

Mm-hmm.

Now, if she didn't want
a baby, why would she...

because it was dick's.

Oh, i am beat,
Archie.

Carol

(ringing phones)

No... no.

No.

Uh... no.

Carol mardus was
absent from her job

at thedistafffor nearly
six months last year

on vacation
in sarasota, florida.

(phone ringing)

Nero Wolfe's office,
Archie Goodwin speaking.

Yes.

Are you?

Well, all righty,
thank you very much.

Well, Krug just made it
unanimous.

Despite the fact that
all them knew carol mardus,

none of them could pick her
out of a pile.

She must inspire
either great fear

or the instinct
to protect.

I think she's just got
her hooks in deep.

Continue, saul.

On june 16th, she was admitted
to sarasota general hospital

under the name
of clara waldron.

Gave birth to a baby boy.

Satisfactory.

So?

That's the end
of the mother hunt.

No, it is not.

It could be,
but not for that woman.

That dead one, the one who
gave you a drink of water.

Well, if carol mardus
is the mother

then she
either killed her,

or knows who did.

How much of mrs. Valdon's
money have we spent already?

Around 14 grand.

Phooey.

You will see
carol mardus.

I won't, no, you will.

I've seen ellen tenzer,
i've seen anne tenzer.

And i've seen mrs. Valdon
20 times to your one.

Yes, you have.

(phone ringing)

Uh, Nero Wolfe's office,
Archie Goodwin speaking.

(woman)
You're Archie Goodwin?

Right.

You may have heard
my name, carol mardus.

Carol mardus.

Yes, i have
heard your name.

(Archie)
When the doorbell rang
later that day,

(Archie)
The mother in the flesh.
Later that day, i fina
lly saw

and my first impression was

that if richard Valdon
played marbles with this

when he had lucy,
he was cuckoo.

I understand inquiries are
being made about me.

Here in new york
and also in florida.

It gratifies me
to meet you, madam.

I have been seeking you
for six weeks.

I'm in the phone book.

L... i didn't know that.

You went to
a great deal of trouble

you went to
a great deal of troubleis baby...

baby?

What baby?

Archie, the picture.

What is this?

There were cameras attached
to the baby carriage

in washington square park.

On june 16th, under
the name of clara waldron,

you gave birth to a child at
sarasota general hospital.

My god, sothat's
why she did that.

I knew she couldn't have
thought of it herself.

No, i suggested it.

Do you know
mr. Leo bingham?

You know i do.

Do you know
mr. Julian haft?

Yes.

And you know Willis Krug,
you were married to him.

We showed these three
gentlemen those photographs.

None of them identified you.

Is one of them
the father of your baby?

Hmm-hmm, no.

Is mr. Richard Valdon
the father of this child?

Will you answer me, madam?

No.

I advise you to.

Further
inquiries will reveal

your renewed intimacies
with him last year.

Did you leave
the baby in the vestibule

at mrs. Valdon's house
on 11th street?

Will you answer, madam?

No.

Where were you on
the evening of may 20th?

None of your business.

Where were you the night
ellen tenzer was killed?

Well, that last question
was a little, um, direct.

If she is the killer, then
it was well to inform her

that we have connected
the baby to ellen tenzer.

Yeah, and it's well
to remember

that if cramer connects
ellen tenzer to carol mardus,

we lose our licenses.

Take mrs. Valdon
to the country.

If you're anchored here,

you'll badger me
and we'll squabble.

But come back this evening.

What about checking on
carol mardus for may 20th?

No!

A jackass could do that!

Have i no
imagination?

Am i a... a dolt?
Have i no wit?

I'm not afraid of heights

and, as you know,
i love elephants.

We're gliding along

at about three feet on
this beautiful savanna,

that's what they
call them, a savanna.

What else did carol say?

Huh?
Carol mardus.

I've given it to you,
word for word, twice.

Okay, so,
we're on the savanna

and we're hovering about
three feet over it

and there's this
herd, see, of elephants

and they can run
very fast,

not as fast as rhinos,
but they can run very, very...

what was she wearing?

What was she wearing?
Yes.

Does that have some
bearing on the question

of whether richard Valdon
is the father?

I just...

you just what?

You juswhat you thought of her.

You mean, did i
find her attractive?

No...

okay, so there we were
on the savanna.

Now, rhinoceroses,
they're very fast...

did you?

Did i what?

Did i find her
attractive?

Did you find
her attractive?

No... i don't
wanna know.

Please go on
with the story.

Okay, so we're on
the savanna, you know,

we're kind of traveling around,
hovering and everything...

(Archie)
I let it slide.

No man with any sense assumes
that a woman's words mean to her

exactly what
they mean to him.

No word from upstairs?

No, Archie.

I guess i'm gonna
have to poke...

(phone ringing)

Nero Wolfe's kitchen.

Archie, it's saul, are you
listening to the radio?

Uh, the radio?
No, no, i was brooding.

Then i'm bad news.

(knocking)

Ahem.
Yes.

Uh, yeah, saul just phoned with
an item from the 8:30 news.

The body of carol mardus
was found in an alley by a cop.

Strangled with a cord
around her neck,

just like aunt ellen.

No!

Uh... yes.

Theodore, good morning.

I will not be with you in
the plant rooms this morning.

Where are you bound for?

The plant rooms,
of course.

Listen, if cramer
shows up here

we can no longer say we
have no evidence in a murder

because now the mother hunt
has caused two murders.

Phooey!

Oh, boy.

Wolfe went off
to his plants.

I phoned lon cohen
for details.

Carol mardus was murdered
less than a block

from her
ex-husband's apartment.

Her employer came
to identify her.

As soon as i knew the facts,
i headed for the cottage.

I didn't want lucy
to find out from the radio.

No!

Okay, it's tough,
it's damn tough.

All the ifs.

Yeah, but now
there are risks, see?

Do you wanna
turn loose?

No!

I don't wanna turn loose.

You don't?

The man who killed them

put the baby in my
vestibule, didn't he?

Yes.

Then i want Nero Wolfe
to get him.

The cops will get him
sooner or later.

I want Nero Wolfe
to get him.

All right... he will.

And i'm gonna go bl right
?

I just had an idea.

I have one a year,
you know.

I may be walking by your house
and feel like dropping in,

may i have a key?

999 women out of a thousand
would have asked me why.

(Archie)
I came home to find
Wolfe waiting for

a party had been arranged
in my absence.

Who the hell do
you think you are?

Sit down.

I asked you
a question.

Sit down.

By god, if you don't
answer me, l...

in my house,
i do the bawling.

Now, it saves time to have all
three of you here together

as a preamble,
you should know

that there were no
anonymous letters.

I knew it,
i knew it.

It did seem odd.

Mrs. Valdon hired me to learn
who her baby's mother was.

Knew it.
Mrs. Valdon hired me to learn
who her baby's mother was. I

why did none of you
put carol mardus

on the lists you
were asked to produce?

Carol?
She's dead.

She is indeed, yes.

You all know her, and her
picture was among those

i sent to you on tuesday,

why did none of you
identify it?

A conspiracy of silence?

When carol mardus
was here yesterday...

she was here?

Did she say she was
the mother of the baby?

But it is indubitable.

And now, with her death,

it is also indubitable that
she told some other person,

call him "x",

of her conversation with me
and that "x",

fearing she would disclose
his involvement, killed her.

This is fantastic!

I presume that you wish
the murderer of carol mardus

be brought to justice,
as do i.

I would prefer not to abet
inspector cramer's efforts

to find the malignant wretch

because i wish
to name him myself.

To that end, i have
questions to ask.

Will you answer them?

(sighs)

Well, carol and i were married
for exactly 18 months and...

well, there were
times i could have

strangled her myself,
if i had it in me.

Carol mardus
was a fascinating,

aristocratic tramp...
to carol.

This is so
distressing!

To even be asked.

She made it plain.

She married me because
she wanted to go tame.

She could have had me
by snapping her fingers

but there was a difficulty.

She belonged to my
good friend dick Valdon.

Although, with her,
you never could tell.

Belonged... that's
not the right word.

Carol belonged to no one.

I just don't see her
with a baby.

But if she had one,
dick Valdon's the father.

So, who did she
turn to for help?

You, julian?

She always said you were the osh
e could go to dinner with

and then go home
and read manuscripts.

I suppose i should
be flattered, leo.

Your thought that carol

considered me worthy
of her confidence.

And, of course, she didn't.

Did you kill
carol mardus?

Oh, for god's sake, no!

No... of course not.

Why?

Gentlemen...

we may not have
mutual trust

but we have
a mutual interest.

In any case, i'm obliged to you
on behalf of my client.

All right, boss,

now, i call you boss because
i know it irritates you

but that's part of
my job, to irritate you.

Now, either you call cramet
he bag

or i will.

Impossible.

No, the murderer has dared
me with flagrant impudence

and it is i, not the police,

who will be the instrument
of his doom.

(pounding)

Let's go, Wolfe! Ramer)

Kitchen!

Come on, Wolfe, open up.

I know you're
in there!

(pounding)

Cripes, open this door!

Archie, the coats.

Mr. Cramer is
at the front door.

I cannot speak with him

without revealing that which
i do not want him to know.

Put a chain bolt on the door.

Archie and i have gone, you
don't know when we'll return.

Archie and i have gone, you
don'with a search warrant...

you'll have to admit him,
but tell him nothing.

But... the shad roe?

Yes...

go!

You realize, this is
the last day of the season.

There will be no more
after this.

Yes, yes.

Must it be a hotel?

No, i had the idea
we might need a dugout

so i asked mrs. Valdon
for a key to her house.

It's two miles that way.

We will stop on the way
for accouterments.

Easy, easy.

Four cheeses, roast beef,
sturgeon, anchovies...

Wolfe knew there was
only one way

to get home
to his orchids...

and his chair and his
unfinished book.

Why wasn't he working?

You're playing house.

Look, sir, there's times
to be eccentric

and there's times when
one must put their mind

to the matters at hand.

Archie, tomorrow is sunday
and we're boxed up here.

We can't even
change our socks.

Move that plate.

Why...

get it
why... out of the way.

Now, despite all this,
i am considering mrs. Valdon.

I want you to ask her to come
here this evening, alone.

And since you're fuming,
get saul here tomorrow morning.

Right, what for?

I am considering
ellen tenzer's niece,

anne, is it?
Yes.

If i properly
understood her metier,

she replaces office workers
who are temporarily absent.

That's right,
it was called stopgap...

i'll be damned,
i'll be damned.

I should have
thought of that myself.

You were too busy fuming.

No, no, you can't
say i was fuming.

Yes, you were.
I was hardly fuming.

You were
clearly fuming.

I wasn't fuming.

One cannot think
if one fumes.

Do have enough there,
by the way?

Here, have some corned beef,
you like corned beef.

Oh, no, no,
i wouldn't want to...

some wonderful
mustard there.

Olives, anchovies,
artichoke.

Cheese and crackers...
you like crackers...

olives...

(man on radio)
...right up the middle...

run, you gotta run,
run, run, run.

Pick up the ball,
pick up the ball...

...going around first...

yes, that's it,
that's it.

...safe on third!

No!

Well, well, well,
aren't you a cozy pair?

You're astonished that
your house is not a mess

with two men loose in it,
aren't you?

You are conceited.

Mmm.

But i like you anyway.

How was the governor?

You know,
he asked about you.

Ah, yes.

He missed you...

madam, i thank you
heartily for this haven.

Well, i hope, sir,

that you've been
quite comfortable.

I have never been more
uncomfortable in my life.

No reflection on your
hospitality is intended

but, mr. Goodwin and i
are in a pickle.

Again?

I need to see your
husband's friends.

Can you get
them here tomorrow,

without revealing
my presence?

Mr. Upton might
need some persuading

but he is essential.

And mr. Cramer, it would
be good to have him here.

Do you like eggs?

(laughing)

Confound it,
are eggs comical?

Well, no.

Do you know how to
scramble eggs, mrs. Valdon?

Of course i do.

To use mr. Goodwin's
favorite locution,

one will get you
10 that you don't.

I will prepare
scrambled eggs for you

tomorrow morning
for breakfast.

Tell me 40 minutes
before you're ready.

40 minutes?
Yes.

I knew you didn't know.

(yawning)

If you're tired, Archie,
you should go to bed.

Um...

well, mr. Wolfe,
youmust be exhausted.

Oh, yes, what,
with all the eggs

you've got to cook
tomorrow morning.

No, no, i'm not.

Good book, a good chair,
satisfactory, madam.

Hmm.

Good morning.
'Morning.

'Morning.

Good morning.

'Morning.
Ah, good morning.

Oh, yes.

Smells delicious, heh.

Mmm.

There we are.

Thank you.

Mmm.

Well, i have got to admit,

these are right
up there with Fritz's.

I'm gonna have to tell him.

Mmm.

I guess i didn't know
how to scramble an egg.

Of course, 40 minutes is more
time than one could expect

a housewife to
spend scrambling eggs

but, it's impossible to
do it to perfection

in any less.

Now i know.

The best i've
ever had, really.

(doorbell ringing)

Ah, saul.

Excuse me.

You know, i read something
which might interest you.

It's a monograph
by r.p. Armstead

on the acidic effect
of london fog

on the leaves
of flowering plants.

Yes, well, my uncle
published it under his name.

R.p. Armstead
did not write it?

No... i did.
You?

I wanted it to be
taken seriously.

Well, saul.

I spoke with Fritz.

There were two homicide dicks
camped out in your office...

smoking cigars.

Archie, give saul
tenzer's address.

Never better.

Oh, hello, Manny,
won't you come in?

The others are here.

Others?

What is all this, lucy,
who is this man?

He works
for Nero Wolfe.

You're still involved
with that fat fool?

Hey!

This way, sir.

Now wait a minute!

(mrs. Valdon)
You know, i keep thinking

tomorrow, i'll no longer
be a client.

No more business relations.

Yeah, well, that's why
i've made a reservation

at the "flamingo club".

So the whole world
can see how you can dance.

Are you flirting
with me, Archie?

Mrs. Valdon.

Mr. Goodwin.

Panzer, what are
you doing here?

Whose little
party is this?

Mine.

Arrest him... them.

They have me here
against my will.

Don't be a donkey!

I'm here to
name a murderer.

Mr. Cramer knows that.

Yeah...

yeah.

(cramer)
Oh, come on, Wolfe.

Let's get on with it,
i haven't got all day.

When carol mardus
needed t baby,

she enlisted the help
of a friend, a man,

let us call him "x".

Make it "z",
"x" is overworked.

It was a fatal mistake,
for "x" was one of the few

who had been denied
her intimate favors

and he resented it.

Such purple prose.

When she told him that
richard Valdon was the father

he indulged himself
in a prank.

He left the baby and a note
in mrs. Valdon's vestibule.

God, what a story this is,
is anyone getting it down?

(chuckling)

When ellen tenzer
communicated to "x"

that we were on his trail,
he strangled her.

The prank was permissible,

but the threat of its
disclosure was not.

But the threat of its
after her talk with me,

miss mardus did what
ellen tenzer had done.

She was probably scornful.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Blah, blah, blah...

now, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

The same baby
now, wait a minute,
wait a minute. This is

that was boarded by
ellen tenzer?

Yes, i see this won't do,
i must name him... Archie?

(whistling)

(Wolfe)
This is anne tenzer,

the niece of ellen tenzer.

She works for an
employment service

and fills temporary vacancies
at the senior executive level.

Miss tenzer, look around.

Is there anyone in this room
who you have ever worked for?

Oh, hello, mr. Haft.

He's the president
ofparthenon press.

(haft)
Is this one of your
famous dramas, mr. Wolfe?

You don't remember me,
mr. Haft?

I think it was
the last two weeks in june

and the first week
in july.

I've heard of your tactics

and i'm not
putting up with them.

Sit down.

Did you discuss your aunt
ellen's work with mr. Haft?

Well, i must have.

Because it was last
january that he called me

to see if my aunt ellen
still boarded babies.

Did that work out,
mr. Haft?

She's lying?

No, i don't say she lies,
i say she's mistaken.

She mistook me
for someone else.

Puerile, either acknowledge
the facts and call her a liar

or tell me the truth!

I calledyoua liar!

And you are a dunce.

Mr. Cramer, ask mr. Upton
if carol mardus

told him who helped
dispose of the baby.

He was her employer,

he would not allow her
a six-month vacation

without asking why.

Julian, i'm sorry,
but you can't expect me...

oh, god.

Oh, god, oh, god,
oh, god, oh, god...

oh, god, oh, god...

oh, god, oh, god...
oh, god.

Mrs. Valdon,
you have indulged me...

(Archie)
Wolfe saw that cramer
was about to blow his top

so he told lucy
to go upstairs

and barricade herself
inside her tower.

Otherwise, she'd be
spending the night downtown

with the rest of us peasants.

Mr. Haft, you are a
malignant, impudent worm.

But now that i have
exposed you,

i offer advice...
go prepare your defense.

There must be traces,
letters,

canceled checks,
a stray hair in your car.

It's a simple matter
to produce evidence

w who it's a simple matter
you are looking for.

Well... go.

You know damn well
he's not going.

Nobody is.

Good god,
this is brutal!

All of you...
i'm sending for cars.

I'm taking you all down to
the district attorney's office,

especially you.

Never leave
your house, huh?

Well, now that you've left it,
you'll go back when i say so.

We've had
our little triumph.

Let's go.

Uh, mr. Cramer,
i realize that this is now

yourmoment of triumph,

but don't you wanna take
the murderer along with you?

All right,
get him...

come on!

All right, let's go,
everybody out of here.

Come on, come on,
come on, go, go.

Unhand me,
you barbaric peon!

It took eight hours
to sort things out.

But as soon as he
made the case,

Wolfe returned
to the brownstone,

got into bed and didn't
emerge for four days.

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