A Nero Wolfe Mystery (2001–2002): Season 2, Episode 4 - Die Like a Dog - full transcript

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(Nero Wolfe)
...and take your sordid
affairs with you!

(Archie griffin)
Richard meegan had
made the mistake

of asking Wolfe
to find his wife.

Another mistake.

He took my raincoat
instead of his.

I had started
to return it,

but when i got to
his apartment,

i didn't enter it.

There was a party
going on outside.

(man)
Come on, give
me a break.



Just give me a
little information.

One story's all i need.

Can i get
a photographer?

Whose dog is this?

Hey! Whose dog
is this?

Give us some
information...

(Archie)
The presence of Purley Stebbins
made it a cinch

that there was a corpse
inside the building.

Sure that's
not your dog?

Huh?

No, no, the wife's
allergic.

And my presence at
the scene of a homicide

arouses all of Purley's
worst instincts.

I decided to get my raincoat
back some other time.



(barks)

What?

I'm not your pal.

Go on.

Go on.

(barks)

Stay.

I am not your pal.

Now, you must go back
to where you were.

My idea was to call
the a.s.p.c.a. For help,

but there was no sense
in passing up

an opportunity
to annoy Wolfe.

Where the devil
have you been?

We were supposed to go
over the orchid list.

What's that?

Uh, it's a dog.

I'm in no temper for
buffoonery, get it out of here.

No, sir, you have your orchids,
Fritz has his turtle.

Theodore has his
parakeets...

why shouldn't i
have a dog?

We'll have to change
his name, of course,

'cause i wouldn't want us
to confuse the two of you.

Ebony would do, or jet,
or inky, or...

stop babbling!

It's not a hound,
it's a labrador retriever.

Well, i say hound because
it would be natural

for a private detective
to have a hound.

Labradors have a wider skull
than any other dog...

for brain room.

A dog i had when i was
a boy in montenegro

had a rather narrow skull,

but i did not regard that
as a defect, i do not...

recall thinking that
the dog had a defect.

So, when, when you smuggled
that creaturere,

did you take into account
the disruption

it might cause
in this household?

Don't worry, don't worry,
i will get rid of the dog.

I do feel the need
for a pet.

Perhaps i'll try
a chameleon.

No.
No?

No, i do not wish
to interfere

with the commitment
that you've made.

I haven't made
a commitment.

Then where did it
come from?

Followed me home.

All right, look, i'm gonna
call an animal shelter,

and i'll, uh...

no!

No?
No!

Why?

Call someone from
the police department

and give them
the license number

and locate the owner.

And then you will call
the owner directly.

No...
no, i don't think so,

because, you see, if the
owner is dead or in jail,

you'll take the position
that i have committed myself

by bringing the dog home.

Well, it would be
dishonorable for you

to renege.

Yeah, you'd enjoy
having a dog around,

provided you could
blame it on me.

I think that name that
you suggested... jet...

would be acceptable
for this dog.

I like inky.

It's a stupid name.

It's a name that would
demean, even demean a dog.

Jet is the dog's name.

I wasn't being serious
when i said jet.

Dinner is served, sir.

(bark)

Is the animal
dining with you?

Phooey!

That's ebony,
Fritz.

Jet.

Fritz, this animal,
this hound,

uh, is named inky.

No, his name is jet.

Jet?

Well, his manners
seem to be adequate,

but i would prefer to
test them in the kitchen.

Ah, bien sur.

Come.

That's loyalty for you.

(Archie)
The squabs were
absolutely edible,

but other phenomena of that
evening were not so pleasing.

The basenji is the oldest
breed on earth,

originating in central
africa, 5000 b.c.

Of course, there was no trace
of the afghan hound

before 4000 b.c.

Fritz.

Fritz. Ated

a capacity for restraint,
vis-a-vis food?

For a dog...

he has remarkable
control.

You wouldn't find him to be

an incorrigible nuisance
as a cohabitant?

No.

Of course, uh,
they need time.

They must be walked
and fed, but...

for such a noble beast,

i suppose we, uh,
could make the sacrifice.

Well, we must
suffer him,

in any case,
for Archie's sake.

Yeah, yeah, right,
for my sake.

Ah.

Clearly, they were
prepared to become

charter members of the
canine canonization league.

Next thing you know,
we'd have box seats

at the westminster
dog show.

(Fritz)
Jet!

Put down that squab!

Jet!
Drop it!

Drop it, jet!

(barking, crashing)

(doorbell rings)

You never come
after dinner.

Cut the crap, goodwin,
and tell me where the dog is.

The owner of t?? Dog was
murdered this afternoon.

The officer at the scene
recognized you

and said you enticed
the dog to go off with you!

I did not entice.

Oh, the dog just
followed you.

Hey, dogs follow me,
girls follow me.

Skip the comedy!

The dog belonged to
the victim of the murder.

And you removed it from
the murder scene.

To top it off,
one of the tenants

from 29 arbor street
was by here today

to talk to you...
richard meegan.

What the hell was
that all about?

That's not
your business.

Go on.

This...

the last people i want
near a homicide scene

is you or goodwin.

But i knew
you were there.

And i wanna know
how and why,

and what and when
and who?

You're wasting your time.

In mr. Meegan's first breath,
he mentioned his wife.

Yeah, yeah...

my vanity bristles
at the thought

of taking
a job like that.

Yeah, i know,
Wolfe...

and i stopped him,
my bluntness enraged him,

and he stormed off with
mr. Goodwin's raincoat. M,

so that's why
you went there.

Why'd you take
the dog?

What dog?

Hey, he had my raincoat,
i had his.

I was just gonna
go and swap them.

Look, i will admit,
if pressed,

that i should not have
patted the dog,

but let me ask you this.

If there was a dodge
on my part about the dog,

why did i call
the precinct

to get the name of
the owner of the dog?

I don't know!

With you and Wolfe,
i never know!

Look, i'm gonna
open the bag here.

Ah, he's come for
some free advice.

Oh, shut up!

The man who was killed
was philip kampf.

He lived on perry street,
a few blocks from arbor.

He lived alone,
with the dog...

no family.

Olson, the janitor,
sees him arrive

with the dog on a leash
at 5:20 this afternoon.

15 minutes later,
the dog comes out

with a tenant
named victor talento.

He says he saw the dog
in the vestibule,

thought it was a stray
and chase

somebody starts yelling.

(barking)

Olsos down and
sees two men in the foyer,

one live, one dead.

The live one
was Ross Chaffee,

an artist who had a studio
on the top floor.

The dead one
is philip kampf.

We got onto the dog because
Stebbins found the leash

in the pocket of
kampf's raincoat.

The lab says he was
strangled with the leash.

All four tenants of the house
were home when kampf arrived.

Victor talento,
a lawyer who lived

on the ground floor,
had left,

but the rest of them...

Chaffee, meegan
and Jerome Aland,

a night club performer...
were still there.

Of course, none of them
heard or saw a thing,

but kampf went there to
see one of those four men,

and he had his dog with him.

So my theory is,
that dog is my witness.

Well, the animal
seems quite intelligent,

but i doubt he's up to
answeriestions.

Yeah, but he saw
and heard it all.

And it's possible
he was actually there

when kampf was killed.

That's why we're gonna
take it there...

to see which door
he goes to.

And we're gonna
do that now.

I got a guy out in my car
who knows dogs.

Ah.

Archie,
go to your room.

Go to my room?

Go up to your room.

Theodore has put the
parakeet in your room.

Go up and see
that he's all right.

Parakeet?

Wolfe, let's get
back to the dogs.

Go to your room.

Now!

Lock yourself up!

I want the dog.

I went.

It was either that
or quit my job on the spot,

and i resign only when
we haven't got company.

Jet was waiting patiently
where i left him.

(door shuts)

All clear?

(Wolfe)
No, wait until i bolt it.

All right!

Now, you stay here.

That's it, jet.

A pretty mess!

You sneak a dog in here
to badger me,

and now this.

Forget it, you're the one
who bollucksed this up.

And all because you felt
sorry for an orphan.

I thought that
my disinclination

to permit a policeman
to storm in here

and commandeer any
person or object

that struck his fancy
was shared by you!

Well, it is,
within reason.

Don't be ambiguous.

Clearly, the simplest way
to settle this matter

is to find out
who killed mr. Kampf.

Oh!

Of course,
that follows, yes.

And right now we have the prime
witness sitting upstairs.

Yes, a witness
who can't testify.

We must do
better than that.

Luckily, we have a pretext
for an immediate exploration.

You can go there to
get your raincoat.

Right now?

Yes.

Well, i'll be damned.

No client, no fee,
no nothing...

except for a dog with
a wide skull for brain room.

I will be damned.

(Archie)
Very sloppy.

I would have waited 10 more
paces before i started.

Victor talento.

No comment.

I'm not a reporter.

I'm not interested.

Okay, well, if you're out
for a midnight stroll,

forget it,
sorry i interrupted.

But if you're heading
for something

you wanna keep private,
you oughta know,

you got a homicide dick
on your tail.

Now look, uh,

don't look around or scream
or anything like that

or he'll know
i'm telling you.

This your good deed
for the day?

No, i'm Archie goodwin.

I'm out for
Nero Wolfe.

Who hired Wolfe
to investigate?

I don't know,
good question.

He says he needs
the practice.

So i'm out just trying
to gather a seam.

I can't help you.

A woman phoned me,
and i arranged to meet her.

But she has nothing to do
with this business.

And i have...

i have no right to expose her
to any embarrassment.

Damn it!

Can't be sure of
shaking that man off.

Or me.

You mean you'd
follow me too?

Sure, i need
practice myself.

Too bad you won't
reciprocate.

I see you've earned your
reputation as scum, goodwin.

You are the one who is about
to expose your lady friend.

I'm supposed to meet her
three blocks from here.

You might be willing to
go tell her i'm not coming.

Sure, where's
the appointment?

The wo... the woman's name
is Jewel Jones.

She's extremely pretty

and she'll be at
the southeast corner

of christopher and grove
at midnight.

Tell her i'll get in touch
with her tomorrow.

Right.

Uh, you see, the problem is,
how would i know

i'm not shaking hands
with a murderer?

Have a nice night.

Miss Jones.

Victor.

Who are you?

Victor... sent me
with a message.

Now, i have anted up
half of his name,

half of your name...

now it's your turn.

But who are you?

I'm gonna
count to 10.

One, two-three,
four...

my name is jewel Jones.

His name is
victor talento.

That's better.

There's some things
i need to tell you.

Give me your right ear.

I gave her the whole crop.

And by the time
i finished,

she'd developed
a healthy frown.

Damn it!

Come and put me
in a taxi.

That's fine,
but we get in a taxi,

we're gonna go straight
to Nero Wolfe's place.

We?
Are you crazy?

Well, it's either that,

or i can take you to a homicide
detective named Stebbins,

and you can discuss
with him why it is

that you and victor talento

did not wanna
be seen together.

We could always do that,
it's your choice, of course.

Oh, i'll discuss it
with you.

I wouldn't mind that.

We'll go somewhere.

See, i know you're
the kind of man

i could talk to,
you'd understand.

I have the feeling
you could thaw me

in about
four or five hours,

and your voice could
thaw a refrigerator,

but we don't have
time for that now.

Of course, that didn't
stop her from trying.

And i was feeling quite
brotherly by the time

we got to the brownstone
on 35th street.

(knocking)

Good evening,
mr. Goodwin.

Good evening,
mr. Brenner.

Miss Jones?

She's here to marry
mr. Wolfe.

Ah, well...

i see you've made some
advances withmydog.

The creature was alone
and whining in your room...

and hungry.

I brought company,

but before i introduce you
to miss jewel Jones...

nts of 29
but before i introduce you
to miss jewarbor street are men.

Can't deny that.

Yet you produce
a female.

I can chase her out
if you'd like,

but, well, i would've
grilled her myself,

but let me
tell you something,

it would've been
far too risky.

Confound it.
Bring her!

I see.

Can you tell us
what the dog's name is?

That's funny.

Phooey, obviously,
he knows you well.

And he belonged
to mr. Kampf.

And he belonged
mr. Kampf well.

What is the dog's name?

Bootsy.

Bootsy?
Oh, heavens.

No other name?

Not that i know of.

And your name is
jewel Jones.

Yes, i sing in
a night club.

But i'm not working
right now.

Believe me, mr. Wolfe,

if i knew anything
that could help

i'd be perfectly willing
to tell you, because...

i'm sure you're the kind
of man that understands.

(sneezes)

Go on,
don't mind me.

I try to understand.

So, you knew
mr. Kampf intimately?

Not lately.

Not for the past two months.

But, for nearly a year
we were, as you say.

When did you
see him last?

Intimately?
At all.

Intimately?
At all. T a month ago

he came to the club
and spoke to me there.

There was no quarrel?

What was there
to quarrel about?

W
what was there
mr. Talento intimately? About?

I used to live there.

With mr. Talento?

No, i never
live with a man.

I had the second-floor
apartment.

But about two months ago

i got a little apartment
on east 49th street.

So, you knew the others too...

mr. Meegan, mr. Chaffee
and mr. Aland?

Well, i know Ross and jerry.

But who's meegan?

He's a tenant at
29 arbor street,

second floor.

Oh, well, sure,
that's the floor i had.

I hope ttable for him.

I just hate furnished
apartments, don't you?

Yes, in principle,
yes i do.

I take it now, that you
have your own furniture.

Supplied by mr...

kampf?

I see you didn't
know phil kampf.

Not supplied
by him, then?

A great big no.

By mr. Chaffee?
Mr. Aland?

No and no.

Look, mr. Wolfe, a friend
of mine was mighty nice

about that furniture,

and we'll just
leave it at that.

I could report
the rest of it,

but it wouldn't get you
any further than it did Wolfe.

Around 1:30, i took her
to 10th avenue

and put her in a taxi.

Ah...

where's bootsy?

Huh?
No.

Ah, where's jet?

Down in Fritz's room.

Why?

You don't like him,
do you?

Oh, that's not true.

But if it means you can't
blame him on me, fine.

Cramer will be here
tomorrow with a writ

to take him away anyway.

No.

Yeah, i offer up 20 to 1
he'll be here before noon.

That was roughly my own
estimate of the probability.

It seemed an unfair manner
to settle this obligation

that you have brought upon us,
so i phoned inspector cramer

and arranged for you
to be there

throughout this
fatuous performance

the police have in mind.

While there, you may
flush out, perhaps,

someone more contributive
than that volatile demirep!

Well, i'll have to
look that up,

but i resent it
on principle.

Oh, what a beautiful boy,
what's his name?

Ah, bootsy.

Oh no, what a hell
of a name.

Who did that to you, boy?

He should've bit you
when you kidnapped him.

You got it wrong there,
Purley, it's women who bite me.

You know, i've often wondered,
who bites you,

what bites you,
where do they bite you?

Wouldn't...

where is the body?

The bottom
of the stairs.

In his apartment, m

then used the leash
to finish him.

Took a lot of nerve
to carry the body

down the stairs
to the lower hall.

Of the dog was outside
at the time on the street.

Talento had
chased him out.

Uh, so talento's clean?

No, nobody's clean.

If it was talento
who did it,

he'd just put the dog
in the vestibule first,

drag the body down, then
let him out when he left.

Wow, that required a lot
of thinking there, Purley.

Anything wrong
with it?

Depends on the dog and
how the dog responds.

There wasn't any blood.

Then that's how
i'm buying it.

Come on, i've already
prepped the tenants.

About time!

Hello, bootsy.

Ohhh!

Goddamn it, i told you
not to speak.

Ah, so you did.

I'm sorry,
i forgot.

Do you want to
try it again?

No, that's all,
come on.

Uh, you said
in your statement

that you didn't
know the dog.

What?

Yeah, you said that you
thought it was a stray

so you chased it away.

I was in a hurry,
i'm in a hurry now.

The district attorney
wants to see me downtown.

Yes, but...

(Purley)
Goodwin!

Take a look
at the dog.

Now pat it.

Pat it yourself.

You ever seen it
before?

No.

A labrador can't be expected
to go for a man's throat.

They're not that
kind of dog.

Thanks,
i'll remember that.

(knocking)

Come on, Aland!

The dog
don't like me!

The dog's on a leash!

(barking)

Once at a party
at phil kampf's...

i didn't try to hurt it,
but it thought i did.

(barking)

What are you trying
to do, frame me?

We're making the rounds
here, mr. Aland.

We just wanted
to include you, okay?

(barking)

(Purley)
Okay?

Pat him, then.

Hello, beautiful.
Huh?

Do you know
your master's gone?

Gone for good?

Anything else?

Come on,
i'm working.

I like to use
the morning light.

That's all,
thanks.

Come on.

Loftus, give him
the damn dog.

I'm willing to give
a detailed analysis

of the dog's conduct.

It will take
about a week.

Go to hell.

Take the other
dumb mutt with you.

(whistles)

Here we are.

Gee, thanks.

For what?
Down payment on my cab?

Ah, you'll earn it,
brother.

No, no, ahh!

Come on,
you're not serious?

For five bucks?

I'll come back
and get him

and i'll be
very reasonable.

Theey came from.

I'll be right back
there, jet.

What are you
doing, pooch?

(Archie)
Getting information was
gonna be very tricky.

My plan was to let
the tenants assume...

after seeing me with the dog
and Purley Stebbins...

that i worked with
the homicide division.

But that meant i couldn't
bring up jewel Jones

i've told you
a dozen

all right,
all right,

who was the previous
tenant before him?

I've told you,
a girl had it.

I've told you,
she was a fine artist.

I told you she was the girl
that gave me the job

at the night club
where i work.

Died like a dog,
that's what he did.

Poor phil.

Died... like a dog.

Did she know
philip kampf?

Who, jewel?
I guess so.

Sure she did.

Poor phil...
he died like a dog.

Like a dog, i tell you.

Ah, mr. Meegan, yes.

Sorry, i just need to go over,
i need to recheck...

haven't i seen
you before?

Yeah, when i was in
Nero Wolfe's office, yeah?

Uh, ye
there on business, uh...

right now i'm here
on business.

Say, how did you come
to take this apartment?

Ah, mr. Meegan,
you know,

you might have omitted
something important.

I'm a commercial photographer
from pittsburgh.

Two years ago i married
a girl, margaret ryan.

Seven months later
she left me.

She left pittsburgh, too.

Anyway, i couldn't
find her

and her family
didn't hear from her.

Ah, did you go to
the police?

No, i didn't want to.

You want a better reason,
but that's mine.

Ah, skip it, go on.

Three weeks ago i go to
a show at the art institute.

There was an oil,
a big one.

"Three mares in a pasture".

There were
three women in it.

And one of them
was my wife.

I recognized her
right away.

What did you do?

The artist's signature
said Ross Chaffee.

The catalog said
he lives in new york.

And so, i came here.

He fed me this line

that he used so many different
models in his pictures

that he couldn't remember
which was which.

It was so phony...

i got a little
tactless with him.

I'm a photographer.

I might forget a model who
sits with me for a day,

she sat with him
for at least a month.

And so...
he was a phony.

Coming in the apartment,
i seen a sign that said

there was an apartment
for let, so i rented it.

I wanted to be as close
to Chaffee as i could

and all the people
that came to see him.

There were models, of
course, talento, Aland.

(chuckles)

And some guy that Chaffee
says buys his stuff,

a mr. Braunstein.

Uh-huh, mm-hmm.

Well, what did you learn
from philip kampf?

Nothin'.

I've already told you that i've
never seen or heard of him.

I've told you that t

hmm, all right.

Uh, what would you say
if i said to you...

that you have been
seen with him?

Yo
i'd say?

You're a dirty liar.

My dear sir, do you mean
to say you think i'm lying?

There are those who
find it hard to believe,

mr. Chaffee, that you
couldn't remember

who modelled for such
an important painting.

To what end?

What deep design
am i cherishing?

Look, mr. Chaffee, i don't
expect a man like you

to pass out dirt just
for the hell of it.

But any dirt connected
with this murder

is coming out.

And if you're keeping any
for yourself, well then,

you're a bigger fool
than you... look.

Quite a speech.

Thanks.

Now you make one.

You have my opinion of kampf,
whom i knew quite well.

He was, in some respects,
admirable,

but he had his full
share of faults.

Yes, i gather, uh,
despite his inheritance,

he was not
free with a buck?

Yes, that.

And he had a peculiar...

well, a cruel sense
of humor.

But that's hardly
a reason to be killed.

A tragedy, really.

Uh, guys, sorry,
how many days?

I see.

Address?

Well, thank you very much,
you've been most helpful.

(clears throat)

Satisfactory,
little man.

Heh, shake my hand.

(sighs)

(muttering)

Did you say something?

Uh, no, i did not, no.

Ah, well then, proceed.

Sorry, i thought your
interests were elsewhere.

I went down to
29 arbor street...

(Archie)
I reported.

When i came to the end,
he asked no questions.

Instead, he opened his eyes
and started giving orders.

Instead, he opened his eyes
and started giving orders.
Call the...
way ahead of you.

I called the art institute
of pittsburgh.

The show that was seen by
meegan ended a week yesterday.

The picture was lent by a
herman braunstein of new york,

the same herman braunstein
that mr. Meegan saw

at 29 arbor street.

The picture was sent back
by express four days ago.

Well, so, get him.

No, i don't think so,
he may be a poop.

Why don't i go to the
residence without phoning?

The picture's probably
there now.

If i can't get in,
you could always fire me.

I'm thinking of
resigning anyway, so.

Oh, were you?

Since it was my idea,
he had his doubts,

but he bought it.

I explained to mrs. Braunstein
that a client of mine wanted

to photograph
"three mares and a pasture"

for his collection.

Whnvented all the
identification she required,

she led me through the arch
into a room...

she led me through the arch
into a room... yes!

...not quite as big as
madison square garden.

(phone rings)

Speak.

Oh, that's a hell of a way
to answer the phone.

Yes or no?

I've seen the picture...

i wouldn't have thought
the stallion had it in him.

How it glows with
color and light.

It's as if you can
feel and see the blood

pulsate under the warm skin.

Shut up!
Yes or no?

Yes, yes, you've
met mrs. Meegan,

would you like to
meet her again?

I would.

Oh, Archie.

You know, i ee you,

but i couldn't resist.

Cut it, doll.

I just came from
herr braunstein's apartment

where i saw the most
interesting painting.

What?

Yes.

Well...
come in and tell.

Well, sorry, but i'm
not so sure i should.

See, i'm afraid of
young mares.

I was kicked by one once.

So i'll wait here
while you get dressed.

Wear something yellow,
Wolfe dislikes red.

But l...

go on or i'll go get
richard meegan!

Don't call me
mrs. Meegan.

Mrs. Meegan, l...

don'tcall me mrs. Meegan!

I am only stressing the fact
that your, your identity

is not ussion.

Anymore!

You are legally
mrs. Richard meegan.

Now, sit down, please!

Wolfe was in as bad
a humor as she was...

he had been compelled to
tell Fritz to postpone lunch.

You are a mpetent
liar, madam.

And your offhand denial
last night

of knowing mr. Meegan
was more than competent.

When did mr. Chaffee
tell you

that your husband was
in town looking for you?

I didn't say he had.

When the police learn
that it was you...

they don't have to
learn about me, do they?

Phooey!

Well, wait...

why didn't i
think of this before?

You're a detective.

You help people in trouble,
and i'm in trouble.

I'll pay you to help me.

Not now, not ever,
miss... Jones.

Now, when did mr. Chaffee
tell you that

your husband was
looking for you?

Well, you won't even
listen to me!

Well, if you say something
intelligent, i might!

(sighs)

My husband was jealous about
me before we got married.

And after, he got worse.

It got bad...
really bad.

Finally, it got
so bad, i left.

I came to new york,
found a job and made friends.

I modelled for Ross, and phil
kampf found me a job singing.

I modelled for Ross, and phil
i thought i was safe. Singing.

And then, all of a sudden,
Ross phones me

and tells me that
my husband is here.

I begged him
not to tell.

An idiotic strategy.

The only reason
my husband wants to find me

is so he can kill me.

Has he ever
killed anyone?

I didn't say "anyone",
i said me.

I don't know what it is,
men just go for me.

Did mr. Aland go for you?

Mr. Talento,
did he go for you?

They're friends of mine.

They said they wouldn't tell
and they didn't.

Now...

i can pay you...

$40 to start...
well, that's just to start.

I'm not just in trouble,

i'm in danger of my life,
really i am.

You're not listening!

Get mr. Chaffee.

No, i don't want him
to know.

Nonsense, everyone will
have to know everything.

Ah, yes,
mr. Chaffee?

Yes, mr. Wolfe would
like to speak to you.

Mr. Chaffee, i need
to speak to you

and the other tenants of
29 arbor street

as soon as possible.

Of course
it's important!

Well, if you want to
take less time,

then round them up and
get them all together

and bring them here.

All at once,
yes!

How should i know how
you are going to do that?

Well, i could suggest that
if mr. Eegan is balking,

that you tell him
that his wife is here.

No! Ross!

Don't tell him,
don't!

(barking)

Don't bring him here,
Ross, don't!

As soon as possible.

Don't tell him!

Take it easy,
take it easy.

Truly an affecting sight.

Greetings.

Before you ask,
i will be happy

to discuss
my split personality

as a homicide dick
and a private eye

after you've spoken
with mr. Wolfe.

(clamoring)

You go climb a rope.

What with miss Jones'
theory that her husband

might kill her
right on the spot,

and the fact that one of
youdidkill poor phil,

i've taken a precaution.

Now, the gun is loaded,
as you can see.

It's just a precaution,
one never knows.

Please, right this way.

(Archie)
I kept miss Jones
in the front room

until i had them
seated in the office.

(Archie)
Anywhere but the red chair,
that's it.

(sighs)

Yeah?
Yeah.

You little whore.

No, don't touch me!

(barking)

(Aland)
See what you've done,
goodwin?

She had the damsel-in-distress
bit down to a science.

On the other hand,
i had begun to believe

that she had a reason.

(Archie)
Right this way...

right here.

Well, ahem,

now that this hubbub
is over, i'll proceed.

I've not been hired
to work on this case.

The only client i have
is a dog.

And he came to my office
by inadvertence.

(clears throat)

Inspector cramer, sir.

I suppose this was
to be expected.

Luckily, mr. Cramer, your
usual chair is unoccupied.

You know the gentlemen,
of course, but not the lady.

Her current name is
jewel Jones.

Her legal name is
mrs. Richard meegan.

Meegan?

Meegan's wife?
The one in the picture?

How did you get her?

That can wait.
No interruptions.

No demands
for 30 minutes.

No, i don't have to...

if you interrupt again,
by heaven,

you can take
all these people

down to your headquarters,
or whatever,

and you can hash
it out yourself!

Ahh...

but before i come to that,
one point:

I offer no comment to your
guile with mr. Meegan.

I will even concede

that there was a flavor
of gallantry in it.

But what you could not know
was that mr. Meegan

had been to see me
that morning.

(Chaffee)
What?
Meegan hired you?

I knew something
wasn't right.

I refused the job,
of course,

and he stormed out
in a temper,

taking mr. Goodwin's raincoat
instead of his own.

Oh, we know all that,
what i want to know is...

hackneyed and dull.

Mr. Meegan,
some two hours ago,

i learned that
you maintain

that you have never met
philip kampf.

I would like to hear it
straight from you.

Did you ever meet
philip kampf?

No.

You don't wish to
qualify that?

No.

Then whose raincoat hangs on
the rack in that hallway?

About?
Then whose raincoat hangs on
the rack in that hallway? G

the raincoat that you
brought into this house

is in the hall now,
there on the rack.

I've heard of
your tricks, Wolfe.

What, did you plant
something on it?

I will now ask
the question

that no one has had
the wit to ask

in this whole
investigation.

Why did the dog follow
mr. Goodwin

through the turmoil
of the city?

That he is irresistible
both to dogs and women.

And doubtless his vanity
impeded his intellect,

or he would have reached
the same conclusion that i did.

The dog did n

the dog followed the coat.

(cramer)
Oh, that smells.

How do you account
for kampf's dog

following meegan's coat?

I couldn't, i can't.

However, it was unquestionably
mr. Kampf's dog,

therefore, it couldn't
have been mr. Meegan's coat.

It is better than
a conjecture

that it was
mr. Kampf's coat.

What are you
talking about, Wolfe?

Where did you
get it, mr. Meegan?

Come on, come on!
This is a dirty frame.

That it is mr. Kampf's
can be readily established

by examining it, sir.

You can't prove that's the coat
that i left here, Wolfe.

I warn you, sir,
you are in deadly peril.

It was she, huh?
Huh?

It was she that put you
against me, huh?!

Have you any explanation
of how mr. Kampf's coat

came into your
possession?

No!!

And i don'u big blob!

Then you are done for, sir.

For your own coat
must be somewhere,

and i think i know
where it is.

In the police laboratory.

If you won't explain how
you got mr. Kampf's coat,

then explain how he came
to wearing yours!

(jewel)
I knew it, i knew it!

He wanted to kill me,
so he killed phil!

(screaming)

That's enough.

Now, sit down!

Sit down, sit down!

How do you
know that, madam?

Because phil told me...

he wanted me to come
back to him and i wouldn't.

You...

(cramer)
That's enough!

Then he comes and tells me

that if i don't come back
and be with him,

he'll tell dick
how to find me.

So, i promised i would,
and he laughed.

He said he had to
go see dick again anyway

because dick had gone off
with his raincoat.

Phil thought it was funny
that dick had his raincoat

and he had dick's wife.

I'll bet that's just
what he told you, huh?

I bet he told you that
i was coming back to him

and he thought
that was a good trade...

a raincoat for a wife!

A raincoat...

a raincoat for a,
for a wife.

(laughing)

Come on, buddy,
let's go, let's go.

Come on, get up!

(sobbing)

(Aland)
Sweetheart, don't cry.

(cramer)
Oh, cheese and rice.

All right, i want everybody
down at the station,

everybody including you,
Wolfe!

If there's one thing
on earth

Nero Wolfe will not be
in the room with,

it's a woman in eruption.

Is it over?
Don't leave me.

Please don't leave.

Jet.

Come on.

I just want to get a full
report at te station.

Captionin a&e television netwo
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