A Moody Christmas (2012): Season 1, Episode 3 - Decapod Crustaceans - full transcript
Translate: Shuter
(Engine idles)
Come on, come on, come on.
MAN: You sure this is the place?
Uh, yeah, she's coming.
Is she?
I've seen it all before.
You try to please 'em.
One day they just disappear.
Yeah, she's just...
she's just running a bit late.
You go through her stuff,
trying to find answers.
Then you stumble across a video
suddenly.
Her and your best mate,
going for it on the kitchen table.
A tub of Utterly Butterly,
dog in the corner,
his tongue lolling out.
Maybe you could just...
All you can do is watch.
..keep it to yourself.
Rewind.
Maybe.
Watch... rewind... watch...
rewind...
..watch... Freeze frame. Mate...
(Knocking on window)
Right, sorted.
Heathrow, here we come.
So, no big plans today?
Nothing today.
Just big family dinner tonight.
Well, I was wondering if maybe you
wanted to come over for our lunch.
Hayden's not going to be there.
Oh, it'll be fine, then.
'Hey everyone, remember me?
I'm the girl who dumped your nephew.
Well now I'm shagging his cousin,
your son.'
Well, what are you going to say
to your folks, then?
Nothing. Are you joking?
They loved Hayden.
You'd be a very, very
distant second, if that.
Well, I, unlike you,
don't care what my family think.
MAN: Daniel!
Tez! Hey!
(Laughing)
Wondered whether I'd see you here.
What a surprise. This is nice.
How are you?
Merry Christmas.
Hey, look what I bumped into on...
..on the plane.
Cora! How's tricks?
Hi. Yeah, good, yeah.
I was just, um, in London studying.
Yeah, yeah, so I heard.
Had a night with Hayden
after you two parted ways.
You know, shoulder to cry on,
that sort of thing.
What a wild night that was.
Ohh!
I only remember part of it.
I must have showered
a dozen times the next day.
Right, yeah, that's how it sounds.
Well, I guess I'll see you
at, uh... lunch later on.
Yeah, yeah, righto. Won't be long.
A couple of blokes from Thailand
just came in with a human hand.
Oh, wow. Sounds grisly.
Anyway, Merry Christmas, Coracha!
Yeah.
See ya, mate.
You know what's really great?
Um... airport trolleys?
No, the way you just don't care
what your family thinks.
It's better...
we tell them properly, at lunch.
Oh, when they've been drinking?
Yeah, exactly.
So, I'll see you there?
WOMAN: Yeah. Yeah, OK, hang on.
Dan!
Hey!
Hey!
What are you doing here?
Oh, Sean and his prawns. Don't ask.
Ah, yeah, be waiting out the front.
OK.
What? You're adopting?
That's amazing!
Yeah. Well, the whole process
takes a long time,
but the wheels are in motion now
at least.
You can keep trying in the meantime,
right?
Mm-hmm.
So where is Rog?
Uh... he's at a mate's place.
He's just helping a friend
pick wines for Christmas lunch.
Mmm.
Oh, there he is.
Hey, isn't that the guy
from Mum's work?
Uh, who?
The gay guy who came
to Christmas lunch last year?
Uh... yeah. Chris. Sorry.
Oh, wow.
He and Rog mates now?
Mm-hmm.
What... what are they doing?
Oh, my God, they're kissing!
No, they're not...
they're not kissing.
No, no, they are, they are!
Look, Bridge!
No, no, no, that's just
some kind of Sri Lankan...
Um... it's a cultural ritual...
thing.
No, I don't think it is. I think...
What... What are they doing?!
Uh... Do...
Hey, Dan.
Hey.
Merry Christmas.
Yeah, you too, Rog.
I was just, uh, helping pick wines
for a mate's Christmas lunch.
Forget it! We all saw your little
poncing show in the window.
I told you to wait outside.
What's... what's going on?
Well, I suppose for me, it
goes back to when I was a teenager.
Skinny dipping with some friends
up at Lake Macquarie...
He's gay.
Roger's gay.
We've split up,
and now big gay Roger lives with big
gay Chris in their big gay house.
It's a two-bedder.
It's not that big.
Um... when...
When did you... you...
you split... up?
Dan, I was living a lie,
and for that
I couldn't be more sorry.
Don't touch him!
Why didn't you tell me?
Nobody knows.
Mum and Dad?
I'm the one
with the fairy husband, Dan.
I get to decide
when and who we tell,
and right now we are saying nothing.
Got it?
Yep.
Besides, this could be
Grandma's last Christmas,
and we all know
what she thinks of fags.
Bridget!
Well that's what she calls
homosexuals, Roger.
I'm sorry if Gra Gra
isn't PC enough for you.
Well, her I can handle.
But I've told you before
about the homophobic slurs.
OK, fine. (Sighs)
This never would have happened
if Sean had picked you up
like he said he would.
(Dog barks)
WOMAN: Ohh!
You still sore?
Yes.
You sure it's the cans?
Yes, I'm sure.
Stop calling them cans.
Well, they're not really that big...
Don't.
Stop. I should never
have listened to you.
What sort of man takes advantage
of his wife's double mastectomy?
You asked my opinion...
Don't!
..and I was just being supportive.
We're back.
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas.
Oh. What have you got there?
You'll see.
Prawns?
Ah, yeah.
Just prawns?
You were supposed to get enough
seafood for the whole barbecue.
It's quality, Kevvie, not quantity.
And you're the expert on quality,
aren't you?
If you want more seafood,
go and buy it.
With all the money
you're saving on the pool.
I'd ask you to kick in a few quid,
but you're nearly bankrupt again.
Hey, Movies Carwash
is about to go apeshit.
Just wait till summer.
It is summer.
No, he means, like, January.
Yeah, everything shuts down
over Christmas.
And you know what else
people want during summer?
Cocktails?
Water slides?
Air conditioning.
Quality air con too,
not the rubbish you were flogging.
Till you went bust.
Oh, here we go.
You could be earning a good living
with me, Sean.
But I'm getting tired of askin'!
Well, stop asking,
'cause it's never gonna happen.
Um... the good thing
about Movies Carwash
is that, like, we cut down the
movies to, like, fifteen minutes,
so you get like a fifteen-minute
version of Die Hard,
like, without the bad bits.
My brother does it on computer.
He's in IT.
Die Hard doesn't have any bad bits.
Yeah, but, like,
with the wife and that...
He worries about you.
Oh, God. Why?
We're doing alright,
aren't we, Scottie?
Yeah, we're goin' great. Um...
As are you, Mrs Moody.
As well. You're...
also... great.
Thanks, Scott.
♪ HAPPY MUSIC
So now they're a gift, are they?
A lousy prawn each?
Not prawns.
Melicertus plebejus, OK?
Commonly known as
the Tropical Whiteleg King.
In other words, prawns.
There's over 500 species
of decapod crustaceans.
Prawns.
And these are, without question,
the finest.
Wait till you taste them.
Well, I'm allergic to shellfish.
Since when?
Since birth.
Are you reopening
the Seafood Deli Van?
(Mock-English accent)
The Seafood Deli Van?
No, no, I'm not,
I, um... I got you something,
Mrs Moody,
just to say thanks for having me.
Oh, Scott, thank you.
So we have to cook these ourselves?
Don't touch them!
OK. Alright, they shouldn't
even be in room temperature.
Give 'em back. Give 'em back.
You've ruined it.
You've ruined it, OK?
Here, let me... help you.
(Grunts)
Oh, thank you.
Sorry, Kev,
no present for you, mate.
Hey, Mum, can I have a word
to you about something?
Why? What do you mean?
Oh, nothing. I just...
What's wrong?
Nothing.
I've got a lot of work to do.
Hayden?
You're right.
Hayden and Terry can't sit together.
I wonder what happened to them
that night.
I... I thought he was in the States
with his folks.
No, he couldn't go.
He had work commitments.
What's the matter?
No, no, it's just there's...
there's extra people.
More mouths to feed,
and pressure on you...
No, no, no, no, don't be ridiculous.
I'm fine.
The only pressure I've got
are these.
What...
what did you want to talk about?
Oh, nothing. No, it's not important.
Don't worry.
(On phone) Hey, it's Cora.
Leave me a message
and I might call you back.
Hey, hey, it's me.
Look, something's come up,
and I think...
Hey, London!
Hey!
I'll call you back.
Hey, dude.
Hey.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
How're are you, alright?
What do you mean, alright?
Oh, no, it's just...
just asking how you are.
You well?
Oh, it's like 'alright'?
KEVIN: Yeah, it's taking shape.
Yeah.
But I did have a few
unexpected expenses this year.
Namely, uh... Maree's...
MAREE: Kevin!
Sorry, love.
Wasn't cheap, either,
I'll give you the drum.
Cool.
Well done, though, eh?
Um... yeah, sure.
Here you go, fellas.
Thanks, mate.
That's yours.
There you go.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Christmas.
It's a little early for these,
isn't it?
Oh, mate, it's Christmas.
One day of the year
when it's never too early.
Anzac Day as well.
Cheers.
Yes.
Australia Day.
Yes.
St Paddy's Day.
So, didn't you land some
big fancy new job or something?
Uh... no, no,
didn't get it in the end.
Came close, but...
Right.
So, what are you going to do now?
Uh... not sure.
Sean might, um...
I might stick around here for a bit,
see what happens.
What about you?
Me?
Uh... oh, you know, work's alright.
You hear I broke up with Cora?
Uh, yeah.
You broke up with her?
Yeah, yeah.
Getting a bit too clingy.
Had to cut her loose,
you know what I'm saying?
Yeah!
Nah, I'm not... I'm not doing that.
So, did you see her in London?
Oh, no, but London's a big...
big place, so...
Right. She's studying there now.
It's ironic, 'cause
the photos you took got her there.
Yeah.
Hey, Scotty, why don't you
take Haydos through Movies Carwash?
Bro time.
Oh, yeah.
I'm not investing in Movie Carwash.
We got walky-talkies
and everything for it.
Melbourne Cup.
Nice.
Check this. We got a map, right?
Yeah, OK.
You come in, right,
at the top, here, OK?
Past the cafe, right?
Mm-hmm.
There's a car park here,
and you come in through there.
There's a screen, there's a screen
there, you get washed there.
OK, so how do you...
how do you see the screen?
Because the screens are waterproof.
Oh, I'm sure they are,
but when you're behind the rollers,
and they're in front
of your windscreen
and there's soap and water
and all that stuff, how do you...
how do you see the screen?
Like actually see it?
Anything you'd like to tell me?
Mmm...
You are so transparent, Daniel.
In skin tone and in ability to lie.
Sean... You have seen
Cora, haven't you?
You sly little bitch!
I...
We don't even know what it is yet.
OK, what are we talking?
First base?
Second base?
Yes.
Have you been away for the weekend?
Yes...
Are you cohabiting?
No.
No, we're not living together.
It's... I don't...
OK, toothbrush?
Yeah, there's...
she leaves it there occasionally.
Has she used yours?
Yes.
Once.
Eu... OK, OK. It's OK.
Alright. Have you ever cooked?
Uh... once or twice.
Takeaway?
Of course we've taken takeaway.
What, Chinese?
Yes, Chinese.
OK.
Have you ever had a meal,
left for whatever reason,
gone to the toilet, whatever,
come back,
she's eaten some of that meal?
Well... I can't really...
remember what...
Doesn't matter.
OK, so sexual relationship
with cousin's ex-girlfriend,
but you're not cohabiting.
No, and they were...
They've been broken up for ages,
so I don't...
Still. I gotta say...
It's frowned upon.
..it's frowned upon.
And he's a potential investor,
for me, so I'm in this too now.
Which is the major point.
Thanks for nothing.
But I'll think of something
and get us out of this.
SCOTT, ON WALKY-TALKY:
Lone Wolf, Lone Wolf,
this is Sierra Club 7,
we need an ops briefing stat. Over.
Negative, negative, busy. Over.
Some major operational issues have
arisen over Movie Carwash! Over.
This is bro time, OK?
How many times
have I got to tell you?
How do you see the screen?
The rollers
are in front of the screen!
It's going well, isn't it?
Think we've got them fooled.
Yeah, well, I'm glad
you're having a good time.
Oh, it's a bit like
being a spy or something.
Could you try and be a bit more
openly affectionate, please?
We are supposed to be
a loving couple about to adopt.
Yeah, sorry.
How's that?
Not now! In front of other people.
Yeah, oh, yeah, OK.
You two alright?
Yeah, we're good. Great.
How are you?
Yeah, yeah, good.
Ho, ho, ho! Terry Christmas!
(Laughs)
Nice shirt.
Yeah, thought you'd say so.
So... Wacko!
Lights up when you speak, see?
Merry Christmas, Kevvie.
Thanks, mate.
You remember the electric
screen printing classes I took?
No.
No?
Well, that's...
that's something I made from that.
If it's not your style, though,
that's no worries.
It's not.
Oh, right.
Well, just so you know,
I didn't have many avenues
for my love this year,
so I've had to find
other areas to put it into.
It's a bit of that in that.
Hmm.
Ohh!
Great.
Hayden.
Terry.
Look, about that night...
Don't.
No...
Don't.
Look, I just wanted to say,
I had my Y-fronts caught around...
(Instinct)
I didn't even know
it was you in the dark.
Can you please stop talking?
Hey.
Hey, Tez. How are ya?
Dan, hi, how's anything?
Do you want a beer? I'm gonna...
I'm gonna grab one.
No, I'm all good, thanks.
Yeah, sorry.
Sorry.
Hey, Tez, can I have a...
I'm just thinking
maybe it's probably for the best
if you don't mention to Hayden
that you saw Cora.
Oh, say no more.
I mention Cora, we have a beer,
and then shots,
and then next minute
we're back on the town
up the Cross in some dodgy room
with some woman
that we thought was... ughhh...
..and it's lights and leather
and all manner of sin part two,
so my lips are sealed.
Great.
Dan, just tell me honestly.
Do you think
you could tell the difference
between a man's ear and a woman's
in the dark?
Um... Just close your
eyes and just...
..will you touch...?
Um...
Nah.
Actually, no.
It's...
I don't... Sorry.
You should... No.
Ohh.
(Groans)
Don't you worry. Everything's
going to be alright, sweetheart, OK?
Thanks, Dad.
Don't you worry.
So much for the seafood banquet, eh?
Eight bloody prawns are meant
to feed the lot of us, eh?
Is everything alright?
You go easy on your sister today.
She's going through a lot.
Hang on, she... she told you?
Yeah.
About... about her and Rog?
Yeah.
She doesn't want us
telling your Mum, not today.
And, um...
I mean, how do you feel about it?
Not what I would have hoped for
when they got married.
But here we are.
So I'm going to support them.
Really?
Of course.
Wow. I thought you might have
bloody knocked Rog out or something.
Why?
Its just the way he was born.
Dad. I had no idea you were so
progressive about homosexuality.
What?
No, I mean, don't get me wrong.
I think it's great that
you can accept that Roger's gay.
I mean... you know,
I'm not sure if I agree
with the whole 'pretending
to still be together' thing,
but I guess
if that's what they decide...
I was talking about them adopting
because of Roger's low sperm count.
Yeah... that's what I was
talking about too. Just about...
..'Cause Roger's being so gay
about the whole thing.
Roger's gay?
Dad, you can't say anything.
Dad, just calm down.
Step aside, Dan.
Dad... you can't, Dad, I promised...
Better not be sausages
on my hotplate.
Not now, Sean!
It never happened. Scratches...
Bridget!
Bridget!
Bridget.
Dad, can you just...?
When were you going to tell us?
Dan!
I... Bridge!
Everything, OK sweetie?
You stay here!
Yep, sure thing, Kev.
Bridge, come on! Open up, darls.
Dad, can you just calm down
for a second, please?
No!
(Pounds on door) Open up!
I want to talk to ya!
Uh... now's not a good time.
Hayden's here,
and Dad's on the rampage and...
I just want to talk to you!
Open the damn door!
I think... I don't know,
maybe it's for the best.
Maybe we can just
figure out what this is
before we go making
any big announcements.
Yeah, it makes sense.
I'll call you later, yeah?
(Kevin's shouting continues)
BRIDGET: Go away!
Cora, wait.
Come on, Bridget!
Just open the door!
I just want to talk!
Go away, Dad.
Maree!
Maree!
Did you know that...?
Scott!
Kevin, please, it's just a present.
I mean, they're going to
have to find out eventually.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, Christmas
is pretty much ruined now anyway.
Who else did you tell, Terry?
Hey, don't walk...
Mate, who else did you tell?
You!
What?
You give my wife lingerie?
Oh... well, she's a beautiful woman.
It's a gift.
I'm gonna kill ya!
You're a lucky man, Kev!
Hey!
I'll kill ya!
(Dog barks)
Aren't you going to do anything?
He's your mate!
Will you shut up?
I'm trying to concentrate.
Dad, Dad, don't smoke
around the prawns.
Don't tell me what to do.
This is my barbecue,
it's my backyard and it's my house!
Yeah, yeah, and it's your pool.
If you wanna... Dad?
Help!
Sean...!
I can't, the prawns.
Help!
(Coughs)
Hang on, the prawns... HELP!
You right? Hold on, hold on!
Quick! Dan! Quickly!
(Maree shrieks)
Ahhh!
Help's on the way. Ten seconds.
Why aren't you helping him?
The prawns are burning!
Come on, Dad.
I'll take care of the family, Kev.
Could you call an ambulance?
Yeah, I am.
Don't you worry, mate.
I'll marry Maree
and I'll look after the boys.
Oh, Tez, shut up!
What?
He'd do the same for me.
Cora?
Hi.
Hey, I need an ambulance to, um...
What's the number of the house here?
It's 31.
And tell them to come down
Christian Anderson Drive.
You alright, Kev?
You OK?
Just breathe. Just breathe.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Yep, OK.
Cora?
(Sighs)
(Crunches)
Prawn?
Prawn?
Tez.
What?
No use wasting them.
It's what he would have wanted.
Hmm?
Prawn?
And a Merry Christmas to you.
Excuse me.
Prawn?
(Russian accent) This, no.
Not a seafood lover, I see.
How about some honey smoked ham
fresh off the bone?
This is hospital. Not restaurant.
Russian accent.
From the city of...
Mmm, num num num...
Say something.
Take outside.
Novosibirsk.
Da.
(Speaks Russian)
(Machine beeps)
Dad?
I'm so sorry that you're here, mate.
I feel a bit responsible.
And I'm sorry I gave you shit
about the pool too.
I mean, it's not going to get
finished, let's face it,
but I shouldn't have said anything.
And I'm just generally sorry
for being a bit of a dickhead
all the time.
Movies Carwash
isn't going to happen now.
There's a technical thing
with the screens.
You can't see 'em, so...
Um... But, Dad, I
promise that if...
..if you pull through,
I'll come and work for you.
You know, I'll do anything you
want me to do for the business.
Just like you always wanted, Dad.
I can work for you.
(Crying) Because I love you, Dad.
(Breathes deeply)
Dad?
(Sighs, laughs)
Hey, mate.
Hey.
Hey, how's it going?
Yeah, yeah, better now, you know.
Yeah. You should have told me.
OK, look...
Meeting her on the plane,
inviting her round so we could talk.
Look at you playing cupid.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ahh!
Hey, look,
now's obviously not the right time,
but, um... do you think you
could put in a good word for me?
With Cora?
She likes you.
She'll listen to you.
Sure, yeah, yeah.
Thanks, mate. I appreciate it.
No problem.
Thanks.
Be nice.
Yeah.
You OK, sweetheart?
(Laughs)
(Continues laughing)
What's so funny?
You. I've finally got ya.
I heard every word.
You're coming to work for me.
He told me he loved me.
What? No I didn't.
He... he said if I got through this,
he was coming to work
for the business
and he was gonna do
whatever I wanted him to do.
No, you were dreaming, Dad.
You've had...
He's had one of those
near-death thingies.
Sean.
What? He's hearing things!
You're... you're unbelievable.
Let me lie there while
you cooked those stupid prawns.
Actually, they are fantastic.
You should try one.
Terry, stop eating them, mate.
You're going to eat them all.
I already have.
What?
Well, you said you didn't want one.
I didn't then. I was sad.
I was saving them
for when we'd all be happy.
I gave them to Irene.
Who?
A Russian nurse.
I didn't go through all this
and have Dad have a heart attack
so a Russian nurse
could eat my prawns.
You can't have this one.
I've already licked it.
So he asked you
to put in a good word for him?
I don't know.
I guess today's
probably not the best day
to be talking about all this stuff.
No. No, of course not.
We can talk about it next week
when we go down the coast.
I can't wait to go down the coast.
I should go.
OK.
I'll call you later?
Yep.
I'm really glad your Dad's OK.
I'm really glad you were here.
Ooh, you said you loved him!
(Laughs)
No! There is no way
I said 'I love you'.
You're a bloody liar.
You want to talk about liars,
what about Bridget?
She's been lying to us for years
about her husband's gayness.
Dan told me everything.
What?!
Is Roger a fag?
Big time.
Sean, shut up.
Don't shoot the messenger.
Look, they've cut the bloody thing!
(Phone rings)
Look, they've cut it in half!
Hello?
WOMAN: Hi, Daniel. Merry Christmas.
It's Hilary here.
Do you have a second to chat?
Sorry, who is it?
Hilary.
AP Press?
Oh, right.
Hi, Hilary.
Good news.
Our first candidate hasn't worked
out, and you're the next pick.
Congratulations. The job's yours.
Oh, OK. So...
I need you back in London by
the end of the week at the latest.
I've put you on a flight...
♪ MUSIC
This is Elliott.
What, you got back problems?
Nah, just exerted myself a little
too much in the heat of the moment.
Peggy, she doesn't want a bar of you.
Just call her and call her,
and just keep calling her
until your fingers bleed.
Jesus, Terry.
Thanks for that.
That's really lovely.
You got kids, Elliott?
Oh, big time. Both eight.
Twins, eh?
No, not twins.
Born two weeks apart.
Translate: Shuter
(Engine idles)
Come on, come on, come on.
MAN: You sure this is the place?
Uh, yeah, she's coming.
Is she?
I've seen it all before.
You try to please 'em.
One day they just disappear.
Yeah, she's just...
she's just running a bit late.
You go through her stuff,
trying to find answers.
Then you stumble across a video
suddenly.
Her and your best mate,
going for it on the kitchen table.
A tub of Utterly Butterly,
dog in the corner,
his tongue lolling out.
Maybe you could just...
All you can do is watch.
..keep it to yourself.
Rewind.
Maybe.
Watch... rewind... watch...
rewind...
..watch... Freeze frame. Mate...
(Knocking on window)
Right, sorted.
Heathrow, here we come.
So, no big plans today?
Nothing today.
Just big family dinner tonight.
Well, I was wondering if maybe you
wanted to come over for our lunch.
Hayden's not going to be there.
Oh, it'll be fine, then.
'Hey everyone, remember me?
I'm the girl who dumped your nephew.
Well now I'm shagging his cousin,
your son.'
Well, what are you going to say
to your folks, then?
Nothing. Are you joking?
They loved Hayden.
You'd be a very, very
distant second, if that.
Well, I, unlike you,
don't care what my family think.
MAN: Daniel!
Tez! Hey!
(Laughing)
Wondered whether I'd see you here.
What a surprise. This is nice.
How are you?
Merry Christmas.
Hey, look what I bumped into on...
..on the plane.
Cora! How's tricks?
Hi. Yeah, good, yeah.
I was just, um, in London studying.
Yeah, yeah, so I heard.
Had a night with Hayden
after you two parted ways.
You know, shoulder to cry on,
that sort of thing.
What a wild night that was.
Ohh!
I only remember part of it.
I must have showered
a dozen times the next day.
Right, yeah, that's how it sounds.
Well, I guess I'll see you
at, uh... lunch later on.
Yeah, yeah, righto. Won't be long.
A couple of blokes from Thailand
just came in with a human hand.
Oh, wow. Sounds grisly.
Anyway, Merry Christmas, Coracha!
Yeah.
See ya, mate.
You know what's really great?
Um... airport trolleys?
No, the way you just don't care
what your family thinks.
It's better...
we tell them properly, at lunch.
Oh, when they've been drinking?
Yeah, exactly.
So, I'll see you there?
WOMAN: Yeah. Yeah, OK, hang on.
Dan!
Hey!
Hey!
What are you doing here?
Oh, Sean and his prawns. Don't ask.
Ah, yeah, be waiting out the front.
OK.
What? You're adopting?
That's amazing!
Yeah. Well, the whole process
takes a long time,
but the wheels are in motion now
at least.
You can keep trying in the meantime,
right?
Mm-hmm.
So where is Rog?
Uh... he's at a mate's place.
He's just helping a friend
pick wines for Christmas lunch.
Mmm.
Oh, there he is.
Hey, isn't that the guy
from Mum's work?
Uh, who?
The gay guy who came
to Christmas lunch last year?
Uh... yeah. Chris. Sorry.
Oh, wow.
He and Rog mates now?
Mm-hmm.
What... what are they doing?
Oh, my God, they're kissing!
No, they're not...
they're not kissing.
No, no, they are, they are!
Look, Bridge!
No, no, no, that's just
some kind of Sri Lankan...
Um... it's a cultural ritual...
thing.
No, I don't think it is. I think...
What... What are they doing?!
Uh... Do...
Hey, Dan.
Hey.
Merry Christmas.
Yeah, you too, Rog.
I was just, uh, helping pick wines
for a mate's Christmas lunch.
Forget it! We all saw your little
poncing show in the window.
I told you to wait outside.
What's... what's going on?
Well, I suppose for me, it
goes back to when I was a teenager.
Skinny dipping with some friends
up at Lake Macquarie...
He's gay.
Roger's gay.
We've split up,
and now big gay Roger lives with big
gay Chris in their big gay house.
It's a two-bedder.
It's not that big.
Um... when...
When did you... you...
you split... up?
Dan, I was living a lie,
and for that
I couldn't be more sorry.
Don't touch him!
Why didn't you tell me?
Nobody knows.
Mum and Dad?
I'm the one
with the fairy husband, Dan.
I get to decide
when and who we tell,
and right now we are saying nothing.
Got it?
Yep.
Besides, this could be
Grandma's last Christmas,
and we all know
what she thinks of fags.
Bridget!
Well that's what she calls
homosexuals, Roger.
I'm sorry if Gra Gra
isn't PC enough for you.
Well, her I can handle.
But I've told you before
about the homophobic slurs.
OK, fine. (Sighs)
This never would have happened
if Sean had picked you up
like he said he would.
(Dog barks)
WOMAN: Ohh!
You still sore?
Yes.
You sure it's the cans?
Yes, I'm sure.
Stop calling them cans.
Well, they're not really that big...
Don't.
Stop. I should never
have listened to you.
What sort of man takes advantage
of his wife's double mastectomy?
You asked my opinion...
Don't!
..and I was just being supportive.
We're back.
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas.
Oh. What have you got there?
You'll see.
Prawns?
Ah, yeah.
Just prawns?
You were supposed to get enough
seafood for the whole barbecue.
It's quality, Kevvie, not quantity.
And you're the expert on quality,
aren't you?
If you want more seafood,
go and buy it.
With all the money
you're saving on the pool.
I'd ask you to kick in a few quid,
but you're nearly bankrupt again.
Hey, Movies Carwash
is about to go apeshit.
Just wait till summer.
It is summer.
No, he means, like, January.
Yeah, everything shuts down
over Christmas.
And you know what else
people want during summer?
Cocktails?
Water slides?
Air conditioning.
Quality air con too,
not the rubbish you were flogging.
Till you went bust.
Oh, here we go.
You could be earning a good living
with me, Sean.
But I'm getting tired of askin'!
Well, stop asking,
'cause it's never gonna happen.
Um... the good thing
about Movies Carwash
is that, like, we cut down the
movies to, like, fifteen minutes,
so you get like a fifteen-minute
version of Die Hard,
like, without the bad bits.
My brother does it on computer.
He's in IT.
Die Hard doesn't have any bad bits.
Yeah, but, like,
with the wife and that...
He worries about you.
Oh, God. Why?
We're doing alright,
aren't we, Scottie?
Yeah, we're goin' great. Um...
As are you, Mrs Moody.
As well. You're...
also... great.
Thanks, Scott.
♪ HAPPY MUSIC
So now they're a gift, are they?
A lousy prawn each?
Not prawns.
Melicertus plebejus, OK?
Commonly known as
the Tropical Whiteleg King.
In other words, prawns.
There's over 500 species
of decapod crustaceans.
Prawns.
And these are, without question,
the finest.
Wait till you taste them.
Well, I'm allergic to shellfish.
Since when?
Since birth.
Are you reopening
the Seafood Deli Van?
(Mock-English accent)
The Seafood Deli Van?
No, no, I'm not,
I, um... I got you something,
Mrs Moody,
just to say thanks for having me.
Oh, Scott, thank you.
So we have to cook these ourselves?
Don't touch them!
OK. Alright, they shouldn't
even be in room temperature.
Give 'em back. Give 'em back.
You've ruined it.
You've ruined it, OK?
Here, let me... help you.
(Grunts)
Oh, thank you.
Sorry, Kev,
no present for you, mate.
Hey, Mum, can I have a word
to you about something?
Why? What do you mean?
Oh, nothing. I just...
What's wrong?
Nothing.
I've got a lot of work to do.
Hayden?
You're right.
Hayden and Terry can't sit together.
I wonder what happened to them
that night.
I... I thought he was in the States
with his folks.
No, he couldn't go.
He had work commitments.
What's the matter?
No, no, it's just there's...
there's extra people.
More mouths to feed,
and pressure on you...
No, no, no, no, don't be ridiculous.
I'm fine.
The only pressure I've got
are these.
What...
what did you want to talk about?
Oh, nothing. No, it's not important.
Don't worry.
(On phone) Hey, it's Cora.
Leave me a message
and I might call you back.
Hey, hey, it's me.
Look, something's come up,
and I think...
Hey, London!
Hey!
I'll call you back.
Hey, dude.
Hey.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
How're are you, alright?
What do you mean, alright?
Oh, no, it's just...
just asking how you are.
You well?
Oh, it's like 'alright'?
KEVIN: Yeah, it's taking shape.
Yeah.
But I did have a few
unexpected expenses this year.
Namely, uh... Maree's...
MAREE: Kevin!
Sorry, love.
Wasn't cheap, either,
I'll give you the drum.
Cool.
Well done, though, eh?
Um... yeah, sure.
Here you go, fellas.
Thanks, mate.
That's yours.
There you go.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Christmas.
It's a little early for these,
isn't it?
Oh, mate, it's Christmas.
One day of the year
when it's never too early.
Anzac Day as well.
Cheers.
Yes.
Australia Day.
Yes.
St Paddy's Day.
So, didn't you land some
big fancy new job or something?
Uh... no, no,
didn't get it in the end.
Came close, but...
Right.
So, what are you going to do now?
Uh... not sure.
Sean might, um...
I might stick around here for a bit,
see what happens.
What about you?
Me?
Uh... oh, you know, work's alright.
You hear I broke up with Cora?
Uh, yeah.
You broke up with her?
Yeah, yeah.
Getting a bit too clingy.
Had to cut her loose,
you know what I'm saying?
Yeah!
Nah, I'm not... I'm not doing that.
So, did you see her in London?
Oh, no, but London's a big...
big place, so...
Right. She's studying there now.
It's ironic, 'cause
the photos you took got her there.
Yeah.
Hey, Scotty, why don't you
take Haydos through Movies Carwash?
Bro time.
Oh, yeah.
I'm not investing in Movie Carwash.
We got walky-talkies
and everything for it.
Melbourne Cup.
Nice.
Check this. We got a map, right?
Yeah, OK.
You come in, right,
at the top, here, OK?
Past the cafe, right?
Mm-hmm.
There's a car park here,
and you come in through there.
There's a screen, there's a screen
there, you get washed there.
OK, so how do you...
how do you see the screen?
Because the screens are waterproof.
Oh, I'm sure they are,
but when you're behind the rollers,
and they're in front
of your windscreen
and there's soap and water
and all that stuff, how do you...
how do you see the screen?
Like actually see it?
Anything you'd like to tell me?
Mmm...
You are so transparent, Daniel.
In skin tone and in ability to lie.
Sean... You have seen
Cora, haven't you?
You sly little bitch!
I...
We don't even know what it is yet.
OK, what are we talking?
First base?
Second base?
Yes.
Have you been away for the weekend?
Yes...
Are you cohabiting?
No.
No, we're not living together.
It's... I don't...
OK, toothbrush?
Yeah, there's...
she leaves it there occasionally.
Has she used yours?
Yes.
Once.
Eu... OK, OK. It's OK.
Alright. Have you ever cooked?
Uh... once or twice.
Takeaway?
Of course we've taken takeaway.
What, Chinese?
Yes, Chinese.
OK.
Have you ever had a meal,
left for whatever reason,
gone to the toilet, whatever,
come back,
she's eaten some of that meal?
Well... I can't really...
remember what...
Doesn't matter.
OK, so sexual relationship
with cousin's ex-girlfriend,
but you're not cohabiting.
No, and they were...
They've been broken up for ages,
so I don't...
Still. I gotta say...
It's frowned upon.
..it's frowned upon.
And he's a potential investor,
for me, so I'm in this too now.
Which is the major point.
Thanks for nothing.
But I'll think of something
and get us out of this.
SCOTT, ON WALKY-TALKY:
Lone Wolf, Lone Wolf,
this is Sierra Club 7,
we need an ops briefing stat. Over.
Negative, negative, busy. Over.
Some major operational issues have
arisen over Movie Carwash! Over.
This is bro time, OK?
How many times
have I got to tell you?
How do you see the screen?
The rollers
are in front of the screen!
It's going well, isn't it?
Think we've got them fooled.
Yeah, well, I'm glad
you're having a good time.
Oh, it's a bit like
being a spy or something.
Could you try and be a bit more
openly affectionate, please?
We are supposed to be
a loving couple about to adopt.
Yeah, sorry.
How's that?
Not now! In front of other people.
Yeah, oh, yeah, OK.
You two alright?
Yeah, we're good. Great.
How are you?
Yeah, yeah, good.
Ho, ho, ho! Terry Christmas!
(Laughs)
Nice shirt.
Yeah, thought you'd say so.
So... Wacko!
Lights up when you speak, see?
Merry Christmas, Kevvie.
Thanks, mate.
You remember the electric
screen printing classes I took?
No.
No?
Well, that's...
that's something I made from that.
If it's not your style, though,
that's no worries.
It's not.
Oh, right.
Well, just so you know,
I didn't have many avenues
for my love this year,
so I've had to find
other areas to put it into.
It's a bit of that in that.
Hmm.
Ohh!
Great.
Hayden.
Terry.
Look, about that night...
Don't.
No...
Don't.
Look, I just wanted to say,
I had my Y-fronts caught around...
(Instinct)
I didn't even know
it was you in the dark.
Can you please stop talking?
Hey.
Hey, Tez. How are ya?
Dan, hi, how's anything?
Do you want a beer? I'm gonna...
I'm gonna grab one.
No, I'm all good, thanks.
Yeah, sorry.
Sorry.
Hey, Tez, can I have a...
I'm just thinking
maybe it's probably for the best
if you don't mention to Hayden
that you saw Cora.
Oh, say no more.
I mention Cora, we have a beer,
and then shots,
and then next minute
we're back on the town
up the Cross in some dodgy room
with some woman
that we thought was... ughhh...
..and it's lights and leather
and all manner of sin part two,
so my lips are sealed.
Great.
Dan, just tell me honestly.
Do you think
you could tell the difference
between a man's ear and a woman's
in the dark?
Um... Just close your
eyes and just...
..will you touch...?
Um...
Nah.
Actually, no.
It's...
I don't... Sorry.
You should... No.
Ohh.
(Groans)
Don't you worry. Everything's
going to be alright, sweetheart, OK?
Thanks, Dad.
Don't you worry.
So much for the seafood banquet, eh?
Eight bloody prawns are meant
to feed the lot of us, eh?
Is everything alright?
You go easy on your sister today.
She's going through a lot.
Hang on, she... she told you?
Yeah.
About... about her and Rog?
Yeah.
She doesn't want us
telling your Mum, not today.
And, um...
I mean, how do you feel about it?
Not what I would have hoped for
when they got married.
But here we are.
So I'm going to support them.
Really?
Of course.
Wow. I thought you might have
bloody knocked Rog out or something.
Why?
Its just the way he was born.
Dad. I had no idea you were so
progressive about homosexuality.
What?
No, I mean, don't get me wrong.
I think it's great that
you can accept that Roger's gay.
I mean... you know,
I'm not sure if I agree
with the whole 'pretending
to still be together' thing,
but I guess
if that's what they decide...
I was talking about them adopting
because of Roger's low sperm count.
Yeah... that's what I was
talking about too. Just about...
..'Cause Roger's being so gay
about the whole thing.
Roger's gay?
Dad, you can't say anything.
Dad, just calm down.
Step aside, Dan.
Dad... you can't, Dad, I promised...
Better not be sausages
on my hotplate.
Not now, Sean!
It never happened. Scratches...
Bridget!
Bridget!
Bridget.
Dad, can you just...?
When were you going to tell us?
Dan!
I... Bridge!
Everything, OK sweetie?
You stay here!
Yep, sure thing, Kev.
Bridge, come on! Open up, darls.
Dad, can you just calm down
for a second, please?
No!
(Pounds on door) Open up!
I want to talk to ya!
Uh... now's not a good time.
Hayden's here,
and Dad's on the rampage and...
I just want to talk to you!
Open the damn door!
I think... I don't know,
maybe it's for the best.
Maybe we can just
figure out what this is
before we go making
any big announcements.
Yeah, it makes sense.
I'll call you later, yeah?
(Kevin's shouting continues)
BRIDGET: Go away!
Cora, wait.
Come on, Bridget!
Just open the door!
I just want to talk!
Go away, Dad.
Maree!
Maree!
Did you know that...?
Scott!
Kevin, please, it's just a present.
I mean, they're going to
have to find out eventually.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, Christmas
is pretty much ruined now anyway.
Who else did you tell, Terry?
Hey, don't walk...
Mate, who else did you tell?
You!
What?
You give my wife lingerie?
Oh... well, she's a beautiful woman.
It's a gift.
I'm gonna kill ya!
You're a lucky man, Kev!
Hey!
I'll kill ya!
(Dog barks)
Aren't you going to do anything?
He's your mate!
Will you shut up?
I'm trying to concentrate.
Dad, Dad, don't smoke
around the prawns.
Don't tell me what to do.
This is my barbecue,
it's my backyard and it's my house!
Yeah, yeah, and it's your pool.
If you wanna... Dad?
Help!
Sean...!
I can't, the prawns.
Help!
(Coughs)
Hang on, the prawns... HELP!
You right? Hold on, hold on!
Quick! Dan! Quickly!
(Maree shrieks)
Ahhh!
Help's on the way. Ten seconds.
Why aren't you helping him?
The prawns are burning!
Come on, Dad.
I'll take care of the family, Kev.
Could you call an ambulance?
Yeah, I am.
Don't you worry, mate.
I'll marry Maree
and I'll look after the boys.
Oh, Tez, shut up!
What?
He'd do the same for me.
Cora?
Hi.
Hey, I need an ambulance to, um...
What's the number of the house here?
It's 31.
And tell them to come down
Christian Anderson Drive.
You alright, Kev?
You OK?
Just breathe. Just breathe.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Yep, OK.
Cora?
(Sighs)
(Crunches)
Prawn?
Prawn?
Tez.
What?
No use wasting them.
It's what he would have wanted.
Hmm?
Prawn?
And a Merry Christmas to you.
Excuse me.
Prawn?
(Russian accent) This, no.
Not a seafood lover, I see.
How about some honey smoked ham
fresh off the bone?
This is hospital. Not restaurant.
Russian accent.
From the city of...
Mmm, num num num...
Say something.
Take outside.
Novosibirsk.
Da.
(Speaks Russian)
(Machine beeps)
Dad?
I'm so sorry that you're here, mate.
I feel a bit responsible.
And I'm sorry I gave you shit
about the pool too.
I mean, it's not going to get
finished, let's face it,
but I shouldn't have said anything.
And I'm just generally sorry
for being a bit of a dickhead
all the time.
Movies Carwash
isn't going to happen now.
There's a technical thing
with the screens.
You can't see 'em, so...
Um... But, Dad, I
promise that if...
..if you pull through,
I'll come and work for you.
You know, I'll do anything you
want me to do for the business.
Just like you always wanted, Dad.
I can work for you.
(Crying) Because I love you, Dad.
(Breathes deeply)
Dad?
(Sighs, laughs)
Hey, mate.
Hey.
Hey, how's it going?
Yeah, yeah, better now, you know.
Yeah. You should have told me.
OK, look...
Meeting her on the plane,
inviting her round so we could talk.
Look at you playing cupid.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ahh!
Hey, look,
now's obviously not the right time,
but, um... do you think you
could put in a good word for me?
With Cora?
She likes you.
She'll listen to you.
Sure, yeah, yeah.
Thanks, mate. I appreciate it.
No problem.
Thanks.
Be nice.
Yeah.
You OK, sweetheart?
(Laughs)
(Continues laughing)
What's so funny?
You. I've finally got ya.
I heard every word.
You're coming to work for me.
He told me he loved me.
What? No I didn't.
He... he said if I got through this,
he was coming to work
for the business
and he was gonna do
whatever I wanted him to do.
No, you were dreaming, Dad.
You've had...
He's had one of those
near-death thingies.
Sean.
What? He's hearing things!
You're... you're unbelievable.
Let me lie there while
you cooked those stupid prawns.
Actually, they are fantastic.
You should try one.
Terry, stop eating them, mate.
You're going to eat them all.
I already have.
What?
Well, you said you didn't want one.
I didn't then. I was sad.
I was saving them
for when we'd all be happy.
I gave them to Irene.
Who?
A Russian nurse.
I didn't go through all this
and have Dad have a heart attack
so a Russian nurse
could eat my prawns.
You can't have this one.
I've already licked it.
So he asked you
to put in a good word for him?
I don't know.
I guess today's
probably not the best day
to be talking about all this stuff.
No. No, of course not.
We can talk about it next week
when we go down the coast.
I can't wait to go down the coast.
I should go.
OK.
I'll call you later?
Yep.
I'm really glad your Dad's OK.
I'm really glad you were here.
Ooh, you said you loved him!
(Laughs)
No! There is no way
I said 'I love you'.
You're a bloody liar.
You want to talk about liars,
what about Bridget?
She's been lying to us for years
about her husband's gayness.
Dan told me everything.
What?!
Is Roger a fag?
Big time.
Sean, shut up.
Don't shoot the messenger.
Look, they've cut the bloody thing!
(Phone rings)
Look, they've cut it in half!
Hello?
WOMAN: Hi, Daniel. Merry Christmas.
It's Hilary here.
Do you have a second to chat?
Sorry, who is it?
Hilary.
AP Press?
Oh, right.
Hi, Hilary.
Good news.
Our first candidate hasn't worked
out, and you're the next pick.
Congratulations. The job's yours.
Oh, OK. So...
I need you back in London by
the end of the week at the latest.
I've put you on a flight...
♪ MUSIC
This is Elliott.
What, you got back problems?
Nah, just exerted myself a little
too much in the heat of the moment.
Peggy, she doesn't want a bar of you.
Just call her and call her,
and just keep calling her
until your fingers bleed.
Jesus, Terry.
Thanks for that.
That's really lovely.
You got kids, Elliott?
Oh, big time. Both eight.
Twins, eh?
No, not twins.
Born two weeks apart.
Translate: Shuter