A Moody Christmas (2012): Season 1, Episode 2 - Operation Sex Via the Homeless - full transcript

Translate: Shuter (Sighs)

MAREE: Sean, we're leaving!

KEVIN: That's what you're wearing?

Hey. Dan, we weren't expecting you
until tomorrow!

Oh, Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas.
No way. You said Christmas morning.

I called you from Heathrow, Sean,
just before I boarded.

Yeah, exactly.
Meaning you get in tomorrow morning.

You're forgetting
the time difference, mate.

We spoke 24 hours ago which means
pick me up in 24 hours!

Come on, you two,
we are going to be late for carols.



No, Mum, I'm too tired.
I can't do it.

If I'm going, you're going.
Terry's singing. We promised.

Yeah, he sings every year,
doesn't he?

Yeah, well this year we're
embracing the spirit of Christmas.

No more fights, no more police.

It's love, compassion, generosity.

That's the Christmas
we're going to have this year.

Or no Christmas presents.
Yeah, I know.

Come on, son.
Come here, come here.

Yeah? We spoke at 4pm, OK?

But it's not 4pm in London
for another nine hours, understand?

I didn't travel through time, Sean.

There are meridians in the world,
OK?

S. Moody Air. Please give me a call.



You finally convinced him
to join the family business, eh?

No, no, he's S. Moody Air -
he's the competition.

He's profiteering off my good name
with his dodgy knock-offs.

'S. Moody Air.'

That boy's dead to me.

G'day, mate. S. Moody Air.

In a business sense.
He'll always be me son.

(Applause)

Hey, Tez!

Merry Christmas, everyone.
(Feedback)

Hello, boys and girls.

This first song goes out
to my lovely wife, Dashenka.

Bloody hell, here we go.

Wherever she may be.

Just came home one night
and she was just gone.

Front door just akimbo.

Anyway, since she left me,
I've had many a silent night.

1-2-3.

♪ Silent night ♪ Hey, hey, hey.

♪ Holy night ♪ Hey, come on.

18 hours away from peak ovulation.
You know the rules.

Hey. Hey.
Hey.

HAYDEN: Hi. How you going?

Good to see you again, um, Cora.
Yeah, good to see you too...

Uh, Dan.
Yep.

I was the, um, really racist one.
Yeah, that's not ringing any bells.

Right, I was kind of crying a lot
and I had an English accent,

and throwing up.

Oh, throwing up, yes, I remember.

♪ Sleep in heavenly
peace ♪ Sleep in... ♪

Hey, if anybody's interested,
I'm volunteering

at the homeless shelter tomorrow.

No.
Nope.

Yeah, I'll come with.
Oh, Cora, great.

Try not to wake me.
(Chuckles)

(Clears throat)
Yeah, I'll come along too.

I'll probably be up from jet lag
anyway, so... What?

Mate, you hate homeless people.
No, I don't.

BOTH: Yes, you do.
I don't.

I just, you know, thought...
Hate them.

Like people who are
enterprising, but that's...

I don't hate any...
(Weeps)

(Cries)

Oh, Tez.
(Feedback)

Oh, my God.
(Feedback)

SEAN: That, ladies and gentlemen,
is the meltdown.

He's smashed. You're right, Terry.
You're right, mate.

(Shrieks) What?

You right there, Uncle Tez?
You want some air-con?

No thanks.

Hey, do you reckon we should...

Uncle Tez, do you think we should
maybe go down, like Beecroft,

into Martin Street?
That way, or...?

Or maybe Torrington, behind the oval?

I don't mind.

Actually, go Torrington.
Less lights.

Yeah, OK.

(Car horn)

(Sighs)

Geez, that chick on bass
was pretty good. Ruth?

She's a lesbian.
Are you serious? Really, at her age?

She must be 60.
65.

Been with the same partner
for 40 years.

It's just beautiful.

Dashenka and I had
that kind of love.

When you know that person, you
just feel it deep in your bones.

I did.

Is that before she
emptied your bank account

and took off in your EH?

Fully restored, immaculate
EH Holden - gone.

Before that.

You're never gonna have
one of those again.

Not like that one.
(Weeps)

God. All the years you put
into that thing.

The bloody, the sweat,
not to mention the money.

(Cries)
Dude.

I bloody loved that car.

I'll never have another car now.

(Cries)

There you go.

Hey, you probably don't remember,

but did you ever get
an email that, uh...

Yeah, yeah, I got that one.
Right.

It's just 'cause
a friend sent it - not me.

He thought it'd be funny,
but it was actually, um...

It was actually just this fold here,
like a close up of that -

not an actual bum.
Yeah.

I don't need to see that again.
OK.

It's just you didn't respond
after that, so I didn't know...

That is not the reason
I didn't respond to the email.

Merry Christmas, mate.
Ah, yeah, you too mate.

Have a great day.

So you do hate homeless people.

I don't hate homeless people.
There you go.

You don't want to touch them.

Even kissing's more hygienic
than shaking hands -

everybody knows that.
Do they? Yes.

Well, off you go then.
Well... uh...

Hey, there you go. Some bacon
and, uh, some sausage and, um...

Merry Christmas.

Wow, that was gross.

What? It's not gross.
That was disgusting.

We're here to serve food, Dan.

Don't be so judgemental.
Not to make out with the guests.

Not making out. It was a friendly
Christmas kiss on the cheek.

It was a pash.
No, not a pash.

Not a pash. I think you were
just being a bit single-minded.

He's a bad man. Uh...
(Weeps) I...

(Cries) He touched me.

Banned from a homeless centre
is unbelievable.

How was I supposed to know
she was an abuse victim?

I was being nice.
She put me up to it.

I did. I forced him to do it.

Look, I've got to go and pick up
Chris. Who's Chris?

A guest.
Spirit of Christmas, remember? OK.

Cora, can you give Dan a lift?
Yeah, sure.

Hopefully,
he won't try and kiss YOU.

(Both giggle awkwardly)

So you, um... you never said
why you stopped emailing.

Oh, I got a new email
'cause of my label.

Right.
And you lost mine, or...?

Uh, it just didn't feel right,
you know, with Hayden.

Yeah. Um... No, Dan... Just.

Dan, you can show me
the bum photo-thing.

I just wanted to apologise
for what happened in there.

That's not what I... No, no, no,
you don't have to be worried.

I'm not... Help!
It was inappropriate what I did.

Help!
Wait, wait!

Thanks, mate. (Hums tune)
Hey, good Samaritans.

Hey.
Hey. Hey.

What's that smell?
This is Linda, everyone.

We met at the shelter this morning.

I've invited her to stay
for Christmas lunch.

Uncle Terry, this is Linda.
Linda. Terry Moody.

Hello, Terry.

Been a bit, uh, down on your luck?

You could say that.
Yeah, I too have been there.

My wife recently left me.
Oi, mate, mate.

Genius prank. The look on your
old man's face was priceless.

Surprised you didn't
think of it.

It's not a prank.

She's... She a hobogram?

A what?

You've lived in London and
dunno what a hobogram is?

They're like strippers except
instead of coming out of a cake,

it's, like, a wheelie bin.
No, I haven't come across it, but...

Like, it's a fetish thing.

Dan's invited her
to spend Christmas Day with us,

which I think is very nice.
Spirit of Christmas and all.

Uh, yes, yes. Uh, we've met.

Are you OK to be here?

Oh, yeah,
your son's been really nice.

We've sorted it all out.

Uh, Maree, Dan, can I have a word?

What? What?

(Chuckles)
G'day, everyone, I'm Chris.

I've been invited
to Christmas lunch, as well.

You homeless too?

Uh, no.

Pong aside,
we don't know anything about her.

She might be dangerous.
What about the spirit of Christmas?

Well, that's why I invited Chris.

What, the gay guy from your work?
We talked about that, remember?

His family was awful to him
when he came out,

so we'll show him what
a nice family can be.

By subjecting him to ours?

Well, how are we meant to relax
and enjoy ourselves

when there are people at the table
we don't even know? Exactly.