A Different World (1987–1993): Season 4, Episode 11 - I'm Dreaming of a Wayne Christmas - full transcript

Somebody. Anybody.

Everybody!

Yes?

Which shoes should I bring
to the Wayne's?

If you're seeing his mother,
your combat boots.

Which nightie should I bring?

Silk or satin?

Don't you have
anything in flannel?

With a high collar?

Try a sword and a shield.

Ron, how I wish you were
spending the holidays



with your family

instead of tagging along
with us.

You better hope
that my charm and
savoir-faire

helps mother Wayne forget
how much she dislikes you.

Stop saying she doesn't like me.

All:
It's true.

£ I know my parents loved me £

£ stand behind me
come what may £

£ I know now that I'm ready £

£ for I finally heard them say £

£ it's a different world £

£ than where you come from £

£ yes, it is now, yeah £

£ here's our chance to make it £



£ and if we focus on our goal £

£ you can dish it,
we can take it £

£ hey, just remember
that you've been told £

£ it's a different world £

£ it's a different world £

£ it's a different world £

£ than where you come from £

£ ooh £

£ than where you come from. £

Ron, you're not going home
for Christmas?

No.

My dad won a trip to Hawaii
for selling the most cars.

You chose not to go?

Dad chose for me.

He's still upset

because you won't go
into the car dealership?

I don't know. Do the
words "I have no son"
mean he's still upset?

Oh, Ron, that is so sad.

This is the time of year

for love and peace
and good will and forgiveness...

Save the tears, tiny Tim.

Those vacations

are more trouble
than they're worth.

But Christmas in
Hawaii sounds like
a lot of fun.

I spend my entire vacation
chaperoning my sister Rachel.

It was fine
when she was making sand castles

but it's a different story
now that she's built like one.

Everybody, I have got
a plane to catch.

So have a very merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, jaleesa.

Thank you, whitley.

Oh, you forgot
your birdie presents.

My birdie presents?

Cheap, cheap, cheap,
cheap, cheap, cheap.

Whitley, it is not
the amount of money

you spend on a gift,
but the thought behind it.

So with that thought in mind,
merry Christmas, everybody else.

Peace.

Merry Christmas.

She don't even know
what she's talking about.

All those thoughtful presents
end up in the broom closet.

I took the check

that my grandmama sent me
for Christmas,

and I bought Mrs. Wayne this.

Ew!
Ew!

What the hell is that?!

This is a steubling Santa.

Don't you know anything?

Yeah. I know it's ugly.

That's 'cause you don't have
any taste, Ron.

This says quality.

This says caring.

This says...

Bribe!

Merry Christmas, little people.

Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!

Hi, pookey pooh.

Hi, baby.

Ew!

This is a steubling Santa.

Isn't it beautiful?

I bought it for your mama.

It's nice.

I knew I should have gotten
the three wise men!

Baby, she'll love it,
and she'll love you.

Ron:
Hey, pookey pooh.

How much eggnog have you had?

Where are those children?

They'll get here
when they get here.

Honey, they should have
been here by now.

732 got in at 11:06.

Takes 20 minutes
to get from grand central

to the train to Brooklyn.

You been driving a bus too long.

Adele.

What is it, woodson?

You got to promise me
you'll be nice to whitley.

I don't make promises
I can't keep.

This is the first time
he's brought a girl home.

She's got to be special.

I think I hear something.

Ooh, they're here.

Come in, honey, quick.

It's cold outside.

You should see her,
all dressed up.

Got more luggage
than the law allows.

I didn't ask her to move in.
I asked her to visit.

Adele, be nice
or step to the rear.

Merry Christmas,
Mr. and Mrs. Wayne!

Honey, come back here
and wipe your feet.

Don't track that snow
in my house.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Make yourself at home.

Like that coat.

Mr. Wayne.

How are you, whitley?

I see where Dwayne
gets his good looks.

Ooh-whee! I like this girl.

Yeah, and you like
onion sandwiches too.

Ho, ho, ho!

Merry Christmas,
Mrs. Wayne.

Hi, Ron.

How are you, honey?

Watch the closing doors.

All right.

Where's Dwayne?

Outside, with the rest
of whitley's luggage.

Mr. Wayne, if I were
20 years older

I'd give you some competition.

What a lovely home.

Why, it's an oasis

in the middle
of this urban jung...

leesa says merry Christmas.

And everyone does.

Kim, Freddie.

Ho, ho, ho.

Mom, the house looks good.

It's good to be home.

Give your mama a hug.

Oh, yes.

You're so crazy.

It's good to see you, son.

Your mama ain't cooked nothing
since you left.

Woodson, I cook all the time.

Hear, hear,
Mrs. Wayne.

You strike me as a woman
who spends her whole life

in the kitchen.

You're off to a good start.

Well, you're right
about that, whitley.

My baby really can burn.

She's the best cook
this side of the Mason-Dixon.

I see you have a steubling.

Do you collect them?

Woodson's mother
thinks I should.

That thing stays under the steps
until Christmas time.

I bring him out
when she's coming to visit.

Ugly little thing, isn't it?

Mmm.

I smell Christmas dinner.

Roast Turkey, corn,

rice pudding, apple pie,
airwick.

This sure beats

the all-the-pig-
you-can-eat luau

at the Maui laui hotel.

Your family's luau
won't be the same without you.

Maybe not,
but, Mrs. Wayne

is there any food
you'd like me to sample

before the festivities begin?

How about potato salad?

I'll get you started.

Don't have to call me twice.

Why didn't you tell me
your mother hates steubling?

I didn't know.

Every time she looks at it

she'll think of
her mother-in-law

and hate me.

She could never hate you
as much as she hates Nana.

I got to buy something else.

We're going to eat soon.

And if you leave,
my mother will be...

Are you hungry, chipmunk?

For your cooking, you bet.

I need to work up an appetite.

Maybe see some sights,
like rockefeller center...

No, you don't leave my house

unless it's to take
the trash out.

And you don't do that, do you?

Maybe I'll go unpack.

That should take a while.

Isn't she something, ma?

Your father said

I'm not allowed to say a word.

Ma, whitley's changed.

I didn't like her either.

She'll grow on you.

You can't take the funk
off a skunk, chipmunk.

Ooh! Did you see
that shot, Ron?

Uh, sure.

Sure.

Have another brownie, Ron.

Don't mind if I do.

I bet you my father's

on the golf course right now

teeing off... at me.

When fathers make decisions

we have to stick to them.

Even if they make us unhappy.

I'll bet your father wishes

he was playing golf
with his son right now.

Yeah, 'cause I'm easy to beat.

Ooh!

Mrs. Wayne

this cornucopia of baked goods

just proves that
we're kindred spirits.

How so?

I'm so gratified

to meet another woman
who bakes from scratch.

I can taste the butter.

What you taste is the box.

And her foot in her mouth.

Mom, why don't whitley and I
set the table.

Absolutely.

When will that bird be ready?

Let's eat
so we can open presents.

Presents? So soon?

What's the rush?

It's a Wayne tradition
to open the gifts

on Christmas Eve.

I'll check on the bird.

Allow me to give the Turkey
its last rites.

Don't go tipping on my bird.

I'm going shopping.

I'll be right back.

Whitley, are you crazy?

We're going to eat
any minute now.

I have to, Dwayne.

I've tracked snow
in your mother's house

insulted her desserts.

I bought her a stupid steubling

and she hates them.

I'm not letting you
go out there alone.

I have navigated
the alleyways of the casbah.

I've skied
the unmanicured slopes

of the alps.

I can get
from here to Manhattan.

All right, I'll tell my mom

I'm going with you.

No. Then she'll say

that I destroyed her home
and took her baby son.

Please, stay here.

This is New York.

I love this city

but there's an awareness
you need to have.

What kind of awareness?

Don't aware this,
don't aware this

and definitely
don't aware this coat.

Give me the coat.

No!

I'd rather go naked.

That's just how
you may come back.

I'll take my chances, Dwayne.

I've got to get your mama
a present.

Okay, okay, wait.

Don't talk to any unshaven dudes

in raincoats.

If you get on a train,
get behind the conductor.

And if you see anybody
you don't like the
looks of, get off.

Okay, Dwayne.

I'll see you next Tuesday.

Whitley...

Please, don't worry,
pookey pooh.

Be careful.

Don't tell your mama I'm gone.

What am I supposed to tell her?

Where's whitley, dear?

She went out.

Out where?

Out there.

For what?

To go sh...

To go sh..?

She went to go shoveling
through the snow.

Did you tell her to do
the stoop and the sidewalk?

Where's whitley?

Gone.

Adele, what did you do?

There you go again.

I didn't do a thing
to miss thing.

I didn't say Jack squat.

Look at you two, thinking
that I ganged up on her.

Why you always do that?

Don't worry.

We'll tranquilize her
for your wedding.

Thank you, dad.

No!

No, wait!

Wait!

Wait!

Ho, ho, ho...

Ho, ho to you, too, Santa.

Look, lady,
I'm about to cash up.

You got any yuletide cheer?

Peace on earth,
good will to men.

No, no.

I mean moola,
greenbacks, duckets.

Oh, of course.

Is this for unicef
or the salvation army?

Which is your favorite?

Unicef.

This is your lucky day.

Santa, I have
a confession to make.

Oh, yeah?

Come into my office.

When I was little, I used...

First, put another dollar
in the cup.

When I was a little girl

I used to kick the Santa
in the department store

because I asked him
for a pony one Christmas

and he gave me a puzzle.

And then my mother
got a solitaire

that Christmas

so I knew that money for my pony

went to that solitaire,
and I was mad, Santa...

Santa?

You know, this isn't
my real hair.

Don't tell anybody,
and they'll never know.

That's a rothschild's bag.

Yes.

Just a wedgwood
cafe au lait cup.

Stock item 32-8b.

Page 40, the winter catalogue.

42 in the spring.

Retails for $75.50.

Do you subscribe
to the rothschild catalogue?

No.

I used to work for rothschild's

until they fired me.

I haven't had
a decent job since.

My wife left me.

She took the kids.

And even my parakeet,
fluffy, just flew away.

I'm so sorry.

Don't be sorry.

Just give me the bag.

Okay, it's time to break bread.

Ohh, don't say bread.

I think I ate too much.

You're going to miss out
on these candied yams.

Ohh!

And giblet gravy

on this bird.

Did you say giblet gravy?

Mm-hmm.

Sounds like something
we can work with.

Has anyone seen miss thing?

Don't call her that, mom.

I'll call them like I see them.

I'm serving dinner,
and she's not here.

The whole family is coming.

Your uncle Layne,
your uncle shayne

your aunt Elaine

and uncle John
and his dog tulane.

You're not getting
the whole picture.

If the picture were any clearer,
you wouldn't need those glasses.

Let it go, Adele.

Let it go you say?
I've had enough and

I'm not one to say
"I told you so"

but I told you so.

That girl is spoiled,
inconsiderate

and talks too much.

Mrs. Wayne this,
Mrs. Wayne that.

Dwayne, Dwayne, Dwayne...

I don't mind anybody talking

if they've got something to say.

On this subject, you always
got something to say.

Could somebody pass the yams?

I chose you, even though
my mother couldn't stand you.

Our boy deserves
the same opportunity.

I won't give my child
the opportunity

to let a siddity,
high-heel wearing,

fur-coat slinging
magnolia blossom

ruin his life.
Mom.

You don't understand
what's going on.

Explain it to me.

Where is she?

She went to buy you a present.

Just what I thought.

Went out to buy...

Have some gravy
with that crow you're eating.

She was upset because
she bought a steubling Santa.

She's trying to impress you.

I was just trying
to protect you again.

Mom, chipmunk is not
a little baby anymore.

You act like this boy's
still in diapers.

So did your mama.

No, no, no, you are much worse.

I certainly am not.

Do you remember
how miss old thing wore me out?

I wasn't good enough

I didn't look cute enough
or cook good enough.

I couldn't do nothing right
for your family.

Look at this.

What's wrong with you, sugar?

Why are you crying, baby?

All this arguing
reminds me of my family.

See, I told you.

The boy is crying now.

You let that be a lesson to you.

What!

I don't know.

The boy's crazy.

Hey, that might be whitley.

Hello?

Whitley!

She's at the airport.

Airport!
Airport!

Her cabby drove her all around
to Jack up the fare.

She got wise
when she saw the lufthansa jet.

Let me talk to her.

Hold on, baby.

Whitley, Woody Wayne here.

I've got a friend, Omar,
who drives a shuttle bus.

In about ten minutes,
he should be swinging past

to save big rent-a-car depot.

Tell Omar you're my friend,
and he'll take care of you.

Are you all right, sugar?

All right, all right.

She should have taken the bus.

How many games do we
have to watch? Ten?

Eleven.

Whitley.

Dwayne.

What an ordeal!

I was accosted by Santa claus!

What!

Let her breathe.

Tell me what happened.

I was on the subway platform

and this man
dressed up like Saint Nicholas

tried to mug me.

And he was really
quite a pathetic soul,

till he took my shopping bag.

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

I ran up the platform,
I called the police.

They went down and got him.

I even managed
to save the present.

Next time you get mugged,
don't resist.

Give them what they want
and get out with your life.

Oh, I couldn't do that

and let them take
Mrs. Wayne's present.

It's for you.

We must talk.

You guys leave.

Leave, leave.

What were you thinking

when you tried to save this?

I just had to get you a present
that you would love and Cherish.

Rothschild's.

You spent a lot for this.

I had to.

You're Dwayne's mother.

I wanted to show you
how I really feel.

You don't show how you feel
with expensive gifts.

That's not the way.

It's not?

No.

I didn't know what else to do.

I kept messing up
around here, so I...

Open it.

No. Take it back.

Please, Mrs. Wayne.

Okay, if you insist.

Oh, it's so pretty,
and so many pieces.

Look a there.

Pieces?

Pieces.

It's broken!

It's broken, broken..!

Honey, it's just a broken gift.

The thought is solid.

You don't hate me?

Well, I wasn't
overly fond of you at first

but any woman who would risk
her life over a broken cup

and give me that ugly Santa
must love my chipmunk.

With all my heart.

That's all I wanted to hear.

Let me feed you

and put some meat on those bones

before your legs sue you
for non-support.

Angie, come on over.

This is Angie.

Oh, cousin John!

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas to you.

Wait. I don't want that mutt
jumping on my company's legs.

We got him fixed.

I got a place fixed for him.

Take him in the back.

Oh, I'm too full to move.

Would someone like to get me

a piece of that
sock-it-to-me cake?

Mr. Wayne,
you're quite a musician.

Thank you, whitley.

Isn't he?

That's how I met him.

Playing the piano
in this little club.

One night I walked in

and he's been playing
my tune ever since.

Wayne residence.

Shane Wayne speaking.

Hold the horn.

Anybody here named Ron?

Yeah.

Yo, phone for you.

Anybody named Ron?

I'm the only one not named
Wayne-nayne or something.

Hello?

Oh, oh, hi, dad.

Yeah,
merry Christmas to you too.

Really?

Okay, yeah.

All right, bye-bye.

Hey, my dad says he misses me

and he wants me to take
the next flight to Hawaii.

Aloha.

Aloha.

This is our first
Christmas together.

Here's to many more, baby.

Woody:
Adele?

Yes, woodchuck?

Come here, girl.

What do you want, darling?

Merry Christmas, baby.

Merry Christmas to you, baby.

It's going
to be merrier than that.

£ all year long I've travelled
to places near and far £

£ working for a living £

£ oh, sometimes
the road gets hard £

sing it, mama.

£ but the first snowflakes
of winter £

£ my heart
goes straight back home £

£ to the days
when I was little £

£ before life on my own £

all:
£ nothing could be better
than Christmas here with you£

£ family joined together £

£ loved ones old and new £

£ as we gather here £

£ the season's cheer £

£ makes our yuletide wish
come true £

£ nothing could be better
than Christmas here with you£

£ nothing could be better
than being with you £

£ and you and you £

£ and you and you £

£ and you too £