A Black Lady Sketch Show (2019–…): Season 4, Episode 1 - I'm Clapping From My Puss - full transcript

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[TV static drones]

[bright tone]

announcer: You're watching
ongoing coverage

of the Senate debate
on bachelorette weekends.

C-SPAN,
only the hard-hitting issues.

- [gavel clacks]
- It is imperative

that we pass

the Senate bill 80085,

banning the act of going live

during bachelorette weekends.

We, the people,



deserve to protect

body shots and booty drops

from prying eyes.

Reclaiming my time and money.

If I'm gonna spend this cash,

I deserve to bust it open for my

followers and post pussy pops

in perpetuity--give me IG Live,

- or give me death.
- That feels extreme.

May I interject here? Kay?

You both made
really great points.

But I would like to add
one important thing.

- Lyft.
- Okay.

Use my promo code,
"You are two of my best friends,



and this debate
is tearing us apart"

for 10% off.

- So can we be done?
- Okay.

Senator Middle only stands for
Lyft because her Uber rating

went down for hooking up
in the backseat.

I object.

America, going live on IG

is a strict violation

of the ride or die code.

How many friendships
must be compromised?

How many spots blown up?

How many areola exposed?

I ask you, America.

Senator Cleo Richmoney.

You know how I got that way?
Protecting you.

I think the real question

is what is Senator Richmoney
hiding?

- Nothing.
- More importantly,

- where is she hiding it?
- Nowhere.

And also, why won't she send
me the pics from last night?

Well, you have an Android.

I think
the better question is,

are we carpooling to Kamala's
Sister Senate Brunch?

Because that mac and cheese--
whoo, filibussin'.

I'm gonna filibust you
if you don't take a stance,

- Senator Middle.
- Okay.

Well, if she chooses a side,
I'm going live.

[mic screeches]
I'm going live.

Individuals who go live

and create social media damage

during bachelorette parties

need to be held accountable.

Are you speaking to me?

We should be able to put up
a penis popsicle

to our lips in peace.

I propose that prior offenders

have their phones locked up

during any and all

- bachelorette weekends.
- You know what?

You're grasping at dick straws,
Senator Richmoney.

You're just mad because
I went live for 27 minutes

in Miami at your
bachelorette party.

You had my titties out
on my own fucking live, okay?

The Constitution says a woman
should enjoy penis in private!

Goddamn it, you got me out here
looking stupid as fuck!

If I'm gonna...
[grunting]

Should I be on Live?

I'm a senator, nigga! Fuck!

- But the strippers tipped you.
- 10 quarters.

I mean, is it not
everybody's dream

- to be tipped by a stripper?
- Whose dream? Whose dream?

Somebody tell me where the
problem is. Is there a problem?

Get fucked by two dudes
in a Ralph's parking lot?

That was my dream!

- Thank you, sister.
- Stop it!

Just stop.

All right?

The problem is that this
is tearing us apart, okay?

We need to keep our shit together.

We represent and serve

the American public,

who should also use
my promo code.

- No one's using the promo code.
- Tap it in.

Let's just stop this shit.

I'll agree to never go Live at
your bachelorette party again

mostly because you already
got married.

All in favor of that,
say "Go off, sis."

both: Go off, sis.

- Is now a good time
to mention

that your man has an OnlyFans?

- Don't tell me
he's selling feet.

[Doechii's "I Told Em"]

♪ We told 'em we was kings,
we showed 'em the machine ♪

♪ I been gave 'em the keys,
I been flew overseas ♪

♪ I been knew I'm a queen,
I been knew I was free ♪

♪ I told 'em, I told 'em,
I told'em, god damn ♪

♪ I been whippin' the rolls,
I been bookin' the shows ♪

♪ I been takin' the hoes,
they been calling me doe ♪

♪ I been pickin' the clothes,
I been knew I was gold ♪

♪ I told 'em,
I told 'em, I told 'em ♪

♪ Holla, ooh ♪

♪ I told 'em, god damn ♪

♪ What you told 'em ♪

♪ The funk don't matter
if it's not cross chatter ♪

♪ If the Black Lives Matter
I would know ♪

♪ What you told 'em,
what you told 'em, god damn ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I would know,
what you told 'em ♪

♪ What you told 'em,
god damn ♪

[dramatic music]

[record whirs]

[R&B music playing]

You know when
it's your birthday,

and you just broke up with
your raggedy-ass man?

The only way to turn up
is with your true friends

on a Girls' Trip.

Let's go!

all: ♪ We're going on
a girls' trip ♪

♪ Going on a girls' trip ♪

♪ She ended a relationship,
she ended a relationship ♪

♪ Yeah, we're going
on a girls' trip ♪

♪ We're going on
a girls' trip ♪

♪ Can't come between
this friendship ♪

[sign dings]

♪ Pack your bags,
we'll get away ♪

all: ♪ Get away ♪

♪ For two nights
and three days ♪

all: ♪ Three days ♪

♪ An all-inclusive
weekend stay ♪

all: ♪ Weekend stay ♪

♪ It's my homegirl's b-day ♪

Yo, that's me.
She talking 'bout me.

all:
♪ No distractions, no men ♪

♪ Amen ♪

♪ It's a girls' trip weekend ♪

♪ Weekend ♪

♪ But I guess I shouldn't
tell her that ♪

- all: ♪ Tell her what? ♪
- Tell me what?

♪ I just fucked the pilot ♪
[vocalizing]

What the fuck?

all:
♪ She just fucked the pilot ♪

♪ She rode him in the cockpit ♪

♪ Don't hate me,
it was real quick ♪

♪ Yeah, I just needed
some dick ♪

♪ Oh, I know I caused ♪

♪ Turbulence ♪

♪ But it won't happen again ♪

Girl, you almost crashed
the damn plane!

♪ Oh ♪

♪ We turnin' up in the air ♪

Where'd you get that?

♪ First class,
baby, we don't care ♪

We are in coach, booboo.

♪ Lavish life, we decadent ♪

[sign dings]

♪ I fucked
the flight attendant ♪

Of course!

both: ♪ We planned this vacay
to take her mind off of her ex ♪

♪ The only rule was no hookups
and strictly no sex ♪

When did y'all start
harmonizing?

both: ♪ Hope she's not mad that
we gave this rando the drawls ♪

You say what?

You just fucked
the air marshal, y'all?

both: ♪ Yep, yep ♪

♪ It's supposed
to be a girls' trip ♪

♪ His identity's a secret ♪

both: ♪ Not no more ♪

♪ You tryin'
to get arrested? ♪

♪ He's got a badge
and a bullet clip ♪

both: ♪ Bang, bang ♪

♪ I just fucked the pilot ♪

♪ I fucked
the flight attendant ♪

both:
♪ We fucked the air marshal ♪

♪ I'm fuckin'
in the bathroom ♪

♪ The brother was packin'
a big carry on ♪

♪ I gave him the nod,
I said put me on ♪

♪ Slangin' that thang,
tryin' to bang ♪

♪ Looked back at it,
said what's your name ♪

♪ We ocupado,
so you gotta hold ♪

♪ Cloud 69 in the ozone ♪

♪ In my main cabin,
bouncin' that ass ♪

♪ Screamin' so loud,
need a oxygen mask ♪

All right, enough! Ugh!

This is what I get for traveling
with my church group.

♪ ♪

[sign dings]

[dramatic string music]

Oh, I can't believe
the Three Wise Men

left without us.

I'm the one that showed them
the Star of Bethlehem.

They were talking about,
"We thought it was the sun."

At night, sir?

[scoffs]
Wise where?

King Herod told me he calls them
the "Wise Men" ironically

- 'cause they so dumb.
- Are you sure Mary and Joseph

are going to be okay
with a ho showing up,

'cause you know
I'm for them unpaved streets.

I don't think they care, Hannah.

I'm a Good Samaritan,

and they didn't even ask me
to come samarit!

- [scoffs]
- Maybe I could just

sing them a song, and that way,

they won't judge me
for my decisions.

[soulfully] ♪ We three queens
of Orient are... ♪

All right,
Philistina Aguilera.

But just remember, we only
brought raggedy gifts, okay?

Now you know I'd rather
be covered in boils

- than gossip, right?
- Uh-uh.

- Leave my mama out of it.
- My bad.

But my Pharisee connect told me

that the Three Wise Men brought
gold, frankincense, and myrrh.

And what do we got?

Mold, Black Love incense,
and fur.

Don't trip, Priscilla.

- We look stupid!
- No, we don't.

- Yes, we do.
- Yeah, we do.

No, I'm telling you, that
incense that you invented...

- Yeah?
- Smells way better

- than their stank-incense.
- For real?

Yes, girl, and besides,

Mary is from Nazareth.

You know she ain't never had
nothing nice.

That's true.

Lazarus told me
her family is so poor,

they prayed to our vengeful God
for another flood

- just so they could bathe.
- Ooh.

I mean, I don't blame 'em,
you know?

I've had to entertain many mens
to keep my water bill on.

- Water bill?
- Your what? Water bill?

- Yeah.
- You paying for water?

Well, yeah, 'cause you gotta
pay for your water,

so you gotta do
what you gotta do.

- No, water is free.
- It's very free.

It's the only thing
we have free in this life.

Water's free?

Girl, all you do is take
a bucket in the water,

shake the worms out,
and drink it.

Wait, but that's what
you be doing too?

- Yes.
- Yes, everyone does this.

And you just take it home
and nobody goes,

[gruffly]
"You better pay for this water."

Girl, I don't know
where your life leads you,

but it is down a strange path.

Just put a bucket
on your roof.

Just open your mouth
when it's raining.

Okay, so let me just
make a mental note.

[clears throat]
Water is...

- both: Free.
- Okay, cool.

Okay, I got it, besides,
it's not that big of a deal.

Sometimes, I just spritz
my lady parts with river water.

Speaking of ew, Salome gave me
this shortcut to the manger,

so I know we beat
the Three Wise Men, 'cause--

oh, Lord.

♪ This is how we do it ♪

[Montell Jordan's
"This Is How We Do It"]

♪ This is how we do it ♪

♪ Sha la la la la la la ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Sha la la la la... ♪

[together]
♪ We just seen ♪

- ♪ Baby Jesus ♪
- [vocalizing] ♪ Jesus ♪

You all are terrible.

- The harmonies are off.
- Hey, Joanna.

Priscilla, Hannah.

[chuckles]

[rolls tongue]
Hann.

She like when
I speak in tongues, I'm sorry.

What y'all be getting into?

Go hide it under a bushel, Balthasar.

Yeah, you know why
we traversed here.

I do know why
you traversed here.

We know that.
[both laugh]

- We know that.
- [cackles]

But we don't have time

to get into those
immoral acts right now.

[laughs]
Balthasar, stop.

[mouths words]

Fornication!
[laughs]

- Is Gaspar okay?
- Whoa.

- Is he okay? For real.
- Oh.

'Cause I heard he got kicked
in the head by a donkey

trying to turn mud into wine.

He did. And it was epic.

Almost as great as us seeing...

[together]
♪ Baby Jesus ♪

♪ Jesus ♪

- Baby Jesus first.
- [laughing]

- [mumbling]
- Oh!

I wouldn't celebrate so fast,
Not-so-wise Men.

[laughs]
Ya dumb.

- 'Cause guess what?
- What?

My play-uncle Zechariah told
me that Herod is mad at y'all

'cause you hiding the location
of Jesus from him.

We not hiding it from him.

- We're hiding it from you.
- What?

We don't want women to win.

What we looking like,
a bunch of Samsons?

- [scoffs]
- Magi, please.

First of all,
we're only 13 years old.

I just got my adult teeth.

Second of all, you may
have gotten here first...

[scoffs]
But we have the better gift.

Oh, that stank!

- [women shouting]
- Stop it!

[overlapping shouting]
Stop it!

Oh, nappy pelt!
It's a nappy pelt.

It's my gift for Jesus.

Good God,
why does this smell like Hannah

after she took a river bath?

- Oh.
- Balthasar told me

I remind him of his favorite
fish in the river.

- I love salmon.
- I like cods!

- Not a compliment.
- No, you said I smelled nice.

I said you have lice.

- They be jumpin'.
- Girl, forget them.

Like God told the lion when it
had Daniel's head in its mouth:

- just let it go.
- Oh.

[singing lightly]
♪ La, la, la ♪

- Whee.
- Mary Magdalene!

Three fine men.
[giggles]

- [sniffs]
- Mm, what she smell like?

- Like fresh daisies.
- Ooh.

- Yes.
- That's the good daisies.

It's my new perfume.
It's called "Fresh Daisies."

Want a whiff? Whoo!

- Oh, I caught the whiff.
- [giggles]

What is this,
Sodom and Gomorrah?

Anybody can just show up
for a good time?

I hear a very annoying voice.
[gasps] Oh, hello.

[giggles]

Hardly, no.

God told me to follow
the North Star,

but he didn't tell me that I'd
run into a plague of locusts.

- Ooh.
- Priscilla,

I'ma take my head wrap off

if she keep talking
to us like this.

Anyway, ladies,
don't even trip. I got this.

Um...
[clears throat]

'Scuse me, Mary, is it?

- Yes.
- That's a real original name.

- both: [chuckles]
- Mm-hmm.

Look, uh, we're gonna
go meet the Messiah,

and no one's gonna stop us,
so, you know, you can go...

♪ La, la ♪
your way on outta here.

Speaking of, could you
stand back a little bit?

I'm downwind.
[both] Oh.

- Okay.
- You smell very familiar.

[sniffing]

Oh, yeah.
Red Sea district, for sure.

You do kinda look familiar.
Are you--are you a ho too?

- Famously!
- Two hos?

- Word?
- Word.

- Wood?
- Are they done?

Okay,
these Johns ain't Baptist,

and I am ready
to see the savior.

- Let's go.
- Let's go.

♪ Oh, ho, ho, ho, la, la ♪
[laughs]

Sorry, um,
I got the last hay bale in VIP.

Yeah, I bought swaddle service,

but you probably
can't afford that.

Hey, Mary,
we just came here

to worship the Lord
and join His flock.

Why you flock-blocking us?

[gasps]
Flock-blocking?

- Yes.
- I'm not flock-blocking.

Yes, you flock-blocking.

- Oh, no, I never flock-block.
- You are flock-blocking.

- Me flock-blocking?
- Yes, you are flock-blocking.

- I'm not flock-blocking.
- You are flock-blocking.

- Do I look like I flock-block?
- You--

Oh, I absolutely
would not flock-block.

Not flock-blocking!
Okay, listen.

Ladies--and Hannah--

Oh.

How 'bout I talk to the savior
after His nap

and try to get you guys
some floor seats?

Huh? How's that sound?

- Yeah, okay.
- Okay. [laughs]

- That sounds nice.
- Does that sound good?

Yeah, like,
actually on the dirt floor,

where you belong, huh?
[giggles]

Okay.

This feels like
"The Immaculate Deception."

But we'll take it.

- It's all we got.
- Okay, let's have fun.

This way. Excuse me, fellas.
Love you. Thank you.

Excuse me.
[overlapping chatter]

Hey, hey, Mary!

- [overlapping chatter]
- Balthasar.

- [shouting]
- Baby Jesus!

[percussive music]

Hello.

I am the Sloane Nawford.

You may know me from
my non-award-winning role

as the jezebel for Jesus,
Mary Magdalene.

This hair's been trying
to upstage me for years.

I told the producers it was
a ridiculous amount of hair.

Why would Mary Magdalene
have 75 inches of hair?

Prepare for the role?

You mean, how did the role
prepare for me?

It's a funny story.

Back when little Georgie Clooney
was on the show "Facts of Life,"

oh, he begged me to
introduce him to Clive Davis.

Clive and I,
we ran in the same crew.

There was me, Clive,

Jim Jones--
the cultist, not the rapper--

the Clintons, George Clinton--
but not the Parliament--

all of British Parliament,

and Jim Jones, the rapper.

We were known as the Rat Pack.
[chuckles]

[device beeping]
[gasp] Egads.

I wasn't supposed to go more
than 30 feet away from my house.

But you see that extension?

I still got it.
At my age, I still got it.

[grand musical flourish]

[machines dinging]

- [indistinct chatter]
- [sighs]

Rhonda, you must be running
errands on a Saturday

because you wasted no time
in finding us another Target.

That's right, but we're only
here for one thing, Tara.

- Mm-hmm.
- The $4 million jackpot.

Splendid.

I can finally afford
lenses in my glasses.

[laughs, clears throat]
Gretchen, how're we looking?

Not so good.

I got a none and a possible.

Well, I've got a gun
and a possible murder charge.

You are supposed
to be the lookout.

I am looking out, okay?
For this Boston!

[laughs]

I love earpieces.
They so secretive.

- [cackles]
- Pipe down, all right?

You are talking way too much.

Why is she the lookout?

Because we thought it would
keep her from ruining the heist,

again.

both: Ooh.

Oh, my bloody hell.

All right, we've got to move,
Gretchen, all right?

So make like a defibrillator
and tell us if we're clear.

Okay, just give me a minute.
I'm trying to figure this out.

Um, eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

Catch 4 million by his toe.

If they catch us, let us go.

Eeny, meeny, miny--
I got it--moe.

- [all groan]
- Okay, diamonds led?

You just reneged.
That's three books.

Books? I didn't come here
to read, okay?

I'm just here
to cause a distraction!

You distracted?
You distracted?

- Ma'am. Ma'am.

- You distracted?
- Ma'am.

- Uh.
- Ma'am.

- You distracted? Hey.
- Ma'am. Ma'am.

- What?
- Please.

- Hi.
- Stop.

Go, ladies, go.

[suspenseful music]

Wow, her stupidity
is finally paying off.

Okay, guess what song
I'm playing.

[thumping]

♪ It rhymes with
we are robbering ♪

♪ Eh, eh, eh, eh ♪

Shut up. Shut your face.

I wish I had a
Sister Sledgehammer for you.

Man, I could tell you
what we doing,

you know what I'm saying,
but I can't really say it

'cause it's a secret,
and they all in disguises.

So...
[laughs]

[phone chimes]
Ooh, it's BeReal time.

Ma'am,
you can't take photos in here.

No, no, no, it's BeReal.

These disappear after a day
like my friend Rhonda's dad.

Hey, hey. I still have
plenty of photos of my dad.

Oh, yeah, girl, you right.
Mugshots are photos.

- Ma'am.
- Clack. [laughs] Got it.

See, BeReal only gives you
two minutes,

otherwise you'll be
publicly shamed,

just like my friend Rhonda on
Bring Your Dad to Work Day.

You know what? That's it.
I'm about to cut this bitch.

No, no, no, no.

- Hi.
- Oh.

♪ ♪

- [machine chiming]
- [gasps]

[cheers and applause]

Good job, Rhonda.
Who knew you were so tech savvy?

Literally all my students
at MIT.

Oh. Very funny, Rhonda.

Well, you're here now,
so it's time to do your thing

and crack that safe open

like a Hennessy bottle
at a baby shower.

[tense music]

[soft clicking, lock clicks]

That click
is music to my ears.

Me too!
♪ Bust that safe wide open ♪

♪ Bust it, bust that safe
wide open, bust it ♪

- ♪ Bust that safe wide open ♪
- Oh, my.

- [grunting]
- Security!

She's shaking her cheeks up and
down and all around, please.

- ♪ Bust that safe wide open ♪
- Stop twerking, you twit.

- Hey.
- Get down.

Ma'am, stop. Ma'am.

Why y'all look so distraught?

Oh! Oh. Ma'am? Ma'am.

Ma'am, please,
this is a tournament.

Put as much as you can
in the bag.

Stuff it all in the bag.

And if you
didn't like twerking,

you should've said so
before I got up here.

Rhonda,
it's time to do the thing

that your father never could--
escape.

Well, then,
I guess it's time to do

what your mom always did--

take these clothes off
for money.

[rock music]

We should get together.
Like, what's y'all addresses?

- 'Cause I didn't need that--
- [clears throat]

Oh, shit.
Go fish, niggas!

Ha!

[laughs]
Ooh.

Sorry, Mr. Security, sir.
[chuckles]

Nah, you can keep it.

Because I can afford
the regular size iPhone

and the plus size one now.

We just stole
the $4 million jackpot.

- Shh.
- Uh-oh.

[alarm blaring]
[yelps]

[device beeping]

[grunting]
[beeping stops]

[sighs]

♪ ♪

Now, where was I?

Oh, that's right.

The knife fight that I had
with Mr. T

on the set of "The A-Team."

I might've lost my big toe,

but he never grew hair
on the sides of his head again.

[laughs]

This was back when I was running

a rival magazine to "Playboy"
called "Po' Boy."

I invented food porn.

But not pork,
'cause that's the Devil's work.

And everyone came...

[inhales, sighs]

To eat.
[chuckles]

All of the celebrities,
all of the criminals--

oh, there were warrants out
for all of our arrests.

But those were just the times, darling.

[laughs]

Oh, we like
to help each other out.

Like OJ's white Bronco?

In my backyard as we speak.
[laughs]

[sirens wailing]

[gasps]
No!

They found me.

[police radio chatter]
They found me.

Hey! LaDonna!

It's me, your bestie
from middle school!

Salina Duplass!

[laughs]
Real good trick.

I see y'all move.
But you know what?

All it took was
a little mail fraud,

and I found you.

LaDonna!
I know you in here.

It smells like
a rap video hot tub.

- Oh.
- Hey!

Oh, it's just you.

Ugh, I thought a goat
had gotten into the house.

[laughs]
Not unless you talking about

the greatest of all time.

Ta-dow!
[laughs]

I bow to you!
You like it?

Yo.

Look at me, LaDonna.
Guess what?

I got a head full of hair, honey.

No wig, no weave,

just these crispy hair plugs
that stay staying in.

Yuck.
Well, you still look terrible.

And not 'cause of your hair,
'cause your face.

[both laugh]

- Well, you know what they say.
- What?

I got a butter face.

"Everything looks good
but her face."

It's not a compliment.

They probably call you
Country Crock

'cause you got
a butter everything.

All right, well,
you gonna play this MASH.

- No.
- Ow!

- My good hand!
- Not another MASH game.

What you get is what you got.
Them's the rules.

No!

Now I have to go change into
a dress that you can't fit into

for my bae's fundraiser.

[chuckles] My man, Omarion,
is running for O-Mayor.

I'm gonna be like
Michelle Omarion-bama.

Nah, L-Dreezy, that's it.
That's it.

You gonna play this rematch, okay?

Because ever since
I got these hair plugs in,

my luck has flipped faster
than a pig on a spit.

And I should know,
'cause at my job,

I put the pig on the spit,
and I crank that thing.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Come here.

- Just an inch.
- Oh.

[gasps] One, two, three,
four, five, six...

Oh, my God.

Those look suspiciously like my
Locks of Black Love donation.

Yeah.

So they gave the extras
to Weave In Need,

and I was the neediest.

Congrats to me.

Those were supposed to be for
the culture, not you, vulture.

Give them back.

- Pow! Pow!
- Give me them. Give me them.

- Give me them.
- Pow!

[screaming]

[babbling]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Oh, dear.
- Oh.

Mm.

- [as LaDonna] Oh, wow.
- [gasps]

Why don't you keep
your greasy mitts off me,

- you dirty leech.
- [gasps]

- Ooh.
- What? What?

I feel so--so different.

So sexy. Ooh.

What happened to the vocal fry
that matches your day job, hmm?

Oh, I guess
I don't need it anymore,

now that I'm gonna be
the future First Lady full time.

No, no, you're not
the future First Lady.

- I'm the future First Lady!
- Mm, not anymore.

Looks like your oily locks
possessed me,

and now I am you.

You're gonna have to call Drake

because there's
a new video vixen in town.

Oh, stupid Salina.

Why would I ever call Drake

when there's a real R&B singer
in this house?

Omarion daddy!

Omarion baby, come here!
It's an emergency!

Baby!

both: Hi, daddy.

[sultry R&B music]

♪ ♪

What's, uh, goin' on, baby?

I was just upstairs working on
my choreography

for my campaign speech.

I'd love to see it.

- I wanna see it more.
- I wanna see it.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

♪ Vote for O ♪

[vocalizing, grunting]

Hey!

[scatting]

- Hey!
- Oh, my.

- Ooh.
- Thank you, thank you.

- Stop clapping.
- Stop clapping.

I'm clapping with both
of my hands and my feet.

I'm clapping from my puss.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Two LaDonnas?

I'm seeing LaDouble.

No, I'm LaDonna, look.

You're not LaDonna, LaDummy.

Keep my name out
of your LaDirty mouth.

- You're so LaDusty.
- You're so LaStupid.

- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
- You stink like LaMustard.

Hold up.

I'm gonna ask you what the woman
at the Bank of America asks me

when I try to take out
more than $50.

- Yeah, okay.
- Yes?

How many Os are in my name?

Os are zeros.

- Yeah, that's a good point.

- Os.
- O, Os, okay.

both: Uh...

ooh,

ah, ooh,

uh, five!

You're both wrong, okay?
[both groan]

But my LaDonna,
she's horrible at math, okay,

so actually, you're both right.

- Oh.
- Okay.

But scratch that.
Let's try something else.

- Yeah, something else.
- Something else.

- The real LaDonna...
- Yeah.

She knows which Lucky Charm
that I eat first.

Which one is it?

Uh, in the morning,
when your mouth is wet,

and you're eating stuff...

Um, I know.
The rainbow.

How do you expect me
to know that?

It was a trick question.

You see, my LaDonna
wouldn't know that, okay?

She's allergic to breakfast.

- Oh!
- Baby!

Yes.
both: Ooh.

Looks like I corrected MASH,
so now I'm about to smash.

Give me back my hair
and my husband!

Lady, lady, lady, lady.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, lady.

- Lady, lady!
- Daddy!

- Daddy, do you recognize me now?
- We do not know you.

No one in this house
knows you.

- You need to leave.
- You need to leave.

First of all,
this is my lady, okay?

And her lovely locks
are her own.

No, they're mine.

- No, they're not.
- Mine!

You think I, Omarion,

- an international megastar...
- Megastar.

- Would not know my own wife?
- Mm.

It's me, daddy.

- Baby!
- Yes, yes?

- Fire up the Lambo, okay?
- No, not the Lambo.

You remember how the doors go,
right, baby?

- Like this?
- Like this.

That's my girl.
We out.

We? There's no we.

Ooh! Oh, God.

LaDamn it!

You queefed a little bit.

I never queefed in my life

'cause I'm never
on all fours anyway.

You can queef standing up. Watch.

[toots]
Just did it.

Her family is so poor,

that they tried to get swallowed
by a whale just to have a house.

I will be your penis patriot, America.

But I will not shaft you.

What is an areola?
Let's start there.

The real LaDonna...
[both moaning]

[laughs]
Oh, my God.

I'm so confused!

Wow! What happened to you?

Did you get stung by
a thousand bees in your butt?

- Mm.
- Did you just kiss her?

Your beard don't even connect,

and you worried about
somebody else's inner hair?

Ma'am, there's locks
under my turban.

I got locks upstairs
and downstairs.

We took this fucking oath
together!

"I do solemnly swear any dicks
that get sucked tonight

will not be put on IG Live."
What was that about?

- This is natural too.
- Oh, that's a scalp?

This growing out my scalp.
I have a deadly disease.

Security!

- No, no more MASH game.
- Ow! Ow!

- Stop it.
- My tendonitis!

- I didn't even hit you.
- You did.

- You're dramatic, you've...
- Look, watch, do it again.

Ow!

It smells like
a rapper's coochie--a man's.

[bright tone]