A Black Lady Sketch Show (2019–…): Season 3, Episode 1 - Episode #3.1 - full transcript

We don't have to get ready!

All: Because we stay ready!

Ha ha, when I say "deep,"
you say "condition!"

Deep! All: Condition!

Deep! All: Condition!

Deep! All: Condition!

May the purge be with you!

All: And also with you!


Now, for 364 days...
all: Whoo! Whoo!

We have suffered with
half-used hair products

that have gathered dust,

sittin' around in our
beauty cabinets...

Taunting us!

You won't use me.

I won't work!

I'm gonna make you look
worse than when you came!

- All: Whoo!
- No more, ladies!

No more moisturizers,
serums, and gels reminding us

of a bygone era of
bad hair experiments!

And if you... hold on, sis.

Just scoot those
in there for you.

I don't want you
to drop them out.

There you go.

Ladies! We trained for this!

Today, we fight back!

Today, we take what's ours!

Today we take control!

It's control!

I need you to secure your
laces and your lace fronts

'cause it's time
to bob and weave!

This is not a test.

This is your emergency
broadcast system

signaling the annual
product purge.

Commencing at the siren,
any and all hair products

purchased in a
previous calendar year

that did not bring about
the desired results,

can be returned for
the next 12 minutes.

No receipts, no restrictions.

May God be with you.

Go, go, go, go!

Move, heffa!

Hey, sis!

Who's that adorable
girl with her?

That's Carol, and that's
Carol's daughter...


Go on without me!

- Girl, you better focus!
- Let's go! Come on!

We was just work friends.

Save my edges! I'm a donor!

- What the... ooh.
- Really?

- Girl, here you go.
- Oh.

All right, well, you
still seein' that dude

you met at the
Keyshia Cole concert?

No, girl, we had less chemistry

than a college
athlete's transcripts.

I let him go... all: Oh, oh!

Hey! Single file, ladies.

We go through this
every single year.

I want this line tighter
than, baby, your own braids.

- Thank you.
- Think you'd be used to it

- by now.
- Well...

- With your attitude.
- Who you textin'?

- You takin' selfies?
- What?

Oh, my God, you got
chips in your mouth!

I mean, at least show
'em a little titty then

if you're gonna do it.

You know, you right about that.

- I didn't even think about this.
- Come on!

- Okay.
- Girl, your man can wait.

Oops, it seems like we're
all a little thirsty here.

- Very!
- Very much so.

- Clearly!
- We are, clearly.

You want me to turn this
around... is that what it is?

Yes, the product
purge is almost over!

You know...


It's red light, green light.


Okay, we are adults, ma'am.

Thank you!

- Whoo!
- The annual product purge

- has ended.
- I got 2,500 this time!

That is next month's
mortgage payment.

You know, it's too bad Bella
couldn't be here to see this.

I'm pretty sure she died.

Ooh, tomorrow's wash day.

I think I'm gonna try Pattern's
Intensive Conditioner.

- Oh, I was looking at that.
- Come on.

Oh, God!

Somebody's fuckin' watchin' us.

And why is Ashley
Subject Number One?

- Ah! Huh?
- I'm sorry.

- Ah.
- Hello?

Everything you've known
about the end of the world

- has been a lie.
- What in the Lady T-Pain?

Class, as you know,

here at Luther Vandross
Preparatory Academy,

we love diverse perspectives.

Last week at career day,
we heard from a firewoman,

and today, we're gonna
meet a real doctor.


I want to be a doctor!

Well, all you have to
do is say it like I did!

Excuse me, queen.

I'm Dr. Hadassah Olayinka
Ali-Youngman, pre-PhD.

young kings and queens.

Say good morning, children.

- All: Good morning.
- Good mornin'.

Who's in mourning?

See, see, see, the white man

will have you speaking death
into the top of your day.

Tryin' to kill your dreams
just like they killed UPN.

- Write it down!
- Sweetie,

you don't need to
take notes on this.

You need to take notes on this!

It's Black history!
You know UPN, kids?

"One on One"? "Girlfriends"?

"Cuts"? "Eve"? "All of Us"!

"Half and Half"!

Nothing? "Veronica Mars"!

- You better not.
- I'm sorry... they're all nine.

So no.

Kids, when I say
as-salaam-alaikum, you say...

Wa-alaikum-salaam, my sister.

That is correct, my young king.

Very good. Now today, I'm here

to talk to you about my new

pre-Pulitzer book!

Isn't every book pre-Pulitzer?

"Charlotte's Web"! All: Yes!

"Of Lies"!

Well, at least
there's still a pig!

You like pigs?

Huh? No, no, no, my young queen!

See, see, see, the FDA
funds the swine industry

to destabilize the
Black community.

Is that what you want?

Do you like bacon?

Well, bacon breaks
down to bae-con!

"Bae," 'cause they
wanna cozy up to us,

and "con," because it's been
a conspiracy the whole time!

You think it's breakfast.
I say it's a travesty.

Oh, fun!

Class, isn't it fun

to hear new ideas?

No matter how strange.

Remember our opinion sock.

Opinions... if you just
have one, it's no fun!

- Right?
- A white sock

with a pink toe in a class
full of Black children?

It's a sock.

It's probably made
out of cotton too.

That's what they
make socks out of!

Lord Jesus. You know what?

You know what kind
of sock I have?

No sock! Okay?

You don't have any
lotion on either, but...

Because it's white!

- Yes?
- What kind of doctor are you?

Great question, Jacoby.

- Pre-PhD.
- It says it right here.

- That's not a thing.
- In the writing.

- Typed it myself.
- My dad's a nutritionist.

Can't you just teach us about
the food pyramid or something?

Okay, that's a child.

You wanna learn about pyramids?

The food pyramid.

Chapter eight! Pyramids!

And other things white
people would rather give

aliens credit for
than Black people!

- See, see, see!
- See, see, see.

See, see, see.

All: See, see, see.

My hair? Yes, I did cut it.

My roommate says I
look like Chaka Khan.

Four divided by two is


Yes, Hailey.


Hm. Thank you.

- It'll ring soon.
- Keep it quick!

Okay, so four divided by two is

another Black family
broken up by the oppressor!

See, see, see, the
division symbol itself

represents the Black man and
the Black woman separated

by the wall of white supremacy.

Four divided by two equals two.

So see, see, see your way
back to your seat, Hailey.

All: See, see, see!

See, see, see shore chuckle!

Laughter is not
the best medicine!

African Black soap is.
Everybody knows that.

Class, let's be nice.

Yes, Dr. Hadassah has shared
some unique perspectives

with us today, but that's
no need to be rude,

and I'll read the website
more closely next time.

- Sorry.
- Well, I, for one,

am very, very intrigued.

Raheem's dad.

Pardon the intrusion, Ms. Frost.

I need to pick up my seed early.

Balal's Brothers are performin'
at Hilltop Coffee at00 p.m.

Yeah, great reason to take
a kid away from school.

Peace, most high queen.

Peace and Black power,

my most respected
and chiseled king.

Please, just call
me Supreme Ramik.

Your eyes

- they are... so Egyptian.
- Thank you, my pharaoh.

I don't think I've ever
seen a brow that manly.

How did you do it?

I was carved out
of the homeland.

- Oh.
- What is happening?

- I love your stones.
- Where did you get these?

- Swap meet.
- Me too.

Mm, and your scent


Like a cherry blossom
by the airport.

- Mm...
- Mm...

- Mm.
- Mm.

- Mm...
- Mm-mm-mm-mm.

Rahim, you ready?

Yeah, you know what? Take him.

I'm tired of being
addressed as "female."

- Um, I have an extra ticket.
- Yes.

Allow me to escort you.

- Okay, open your math books.
- Learn something.

Marcus, your dad's
still single, right?

I'm scared, baby. I'm scared.

I just hope she's
okay. You know, baby?

She's gonna be all right.

Your sister can win
a arm wrestling match

- against Busta Rhymes.
- She did.

She can do anything.

I really hope so, baby,

because Jamisha's
my only twin sister.

- Mr. and Mrs. Matthews?
- It's the nurse, baby.

So Jamisha's WBC was
mad low, nah mean?

So we gave her IV of
AB negative, nah mean?

Nah, I'm positive I
don't know what you mean.

Look, the only letters
I care about is


Yo, my wife is
stressin' right now.

Stressin' right now.

Okay? So what do you mean?

- Well, at least she not DOA.
- Nenemean?

But with her DOB though,
she either have a DNR.

Know wah mean?

- I don't know what she means.
- Nah, nah.

We don't know what you mean...

Deadass, what are
you talking about?

- At all.
- Okay, when I get a EKGs,

I will give you an update
ASAP, you know I mean?


- Okay, good, a doctor.
- 'Cause purple suit is wylin'!

- Mm-mm-mm.
- Doc, I just need to know

if my twinnie's gonna
be okay, all right?

She's the peppermint
for my pickle.

So please just use
words, no more acronyms.

Okay, well let me
be perfectly clear.

- All right.
- The atherosclerotic plaque

was removed during cardioplegia,

avoiding thromboembolism
or whatever.

The fuck! Oh, I mean, uh,

you know, I didn't mean
to be all like that.

You know what I mean?

Let me say it a little
bit more polite.


What the fuck?

- Oh, okay.
- Doctor, my twin and I

have a really special
twin connection.

My heart is her heart.

So whatever happens to her
heart is gonna happen to mine!

I need to know what
to worry about.

That's not science, but
um, let me see, let me see.

Uh... oh, okay.

Well, that's arrhythmia
atrial fibrillation,

post-operative cognitive
decline or whatever.

You know, aorta
complications or whatever.

Yo, you ain't even
makin' no sense!

Yo, you buggin' right now!

I say you buggin'!

You know what?
I'm tellin' you...

Code red, niggas
wylin' in the ICU.

Code red, niggas
wylin' in the ICU.

Oh, baby, stop!

Oh, my God, just tell me...
Is my sister alive or not?

Am I still a twin?

Am I still a twin?

I don't know, let
me look at you.

I don't know.

Well, she's being monitored
closely or whatever.

But with the mortality
rate or whatever,

and then when you factor in
comorbidities or whatever,

wrap that all
together or whatever,

and then you talk about it,
and then you live it in reverse

or whatever,

like, uh, you know what I
mean? Like, eh, whatever.

It's clear now?

Another ass-kicking
on the eighth floor,

Tekashi69's been
talking shit again.

Doctor, I just need to know
if Jamisha's gonna ja-make it,

because we were supposed
to go to Jamaica.

Oh! Okay, okay.

- Oh, oh...
- Okay, okay.

- That's just my man.
- He sent 143.

Okay, does it say anything
on my sister on that pager?


Well, it seems your
sister has succumbed...

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

You better not say,

"or whatever."

Nah, nah, I wasn't
gonna say that.

- Deadass?
- I wasn't gonna say that.

- You better not.
- Nah, nah.

I was gonna say,
um, look over there.

Or whatever.

Oh, it was supposed to be ja-me!

Oh, God!

I know, baby!


I didn't have time to put the...

The music with the
graphic. But you get it!

Yeah, that's my pitch
for my new medical drama,

- "Trey's Anatomy."
- Right, okay.

It's a drama with a
lot of physical comedy.

- How does that work?
- Normally on TV,

when you see Black doctors,
they're good at being doctors.

These doctors are bad.
They're very uneducated,

- and that's fun.
- Yes, yes.

- No, I understand.
- Thank you.

So can you fix my cable?

- Oh, yes, ma'am.
- Okay, thank you.

What are you doing
for lunch later?

- There was no apocalypse.
- There was no fortified house.

I must not speak auto-tune,

'cause I know I
fortified a house.

There was no
fully-stocked warehouse.

No, wait, 'cause where did
I courier that package?

There were no other friends...

- Just you four the whole time.
- What about Kevin?

We created those realities to...

If we're creating realities,

can I trade them
for Daniel Kaluuya?

Can y'all stop asking about men?

Please! This is serious.

We've been mind-controlled
and kidnapped,

and y'all said if we
ever met Daniel Kaluuya,

- I could have him.
- Nobody said that.

You did...

You all said it at the
same time in unison.

You probably forgot because
we were mind-controlled.

- No...
- Enough.

We've been preparing
for the next phase.

You will not be released
until you're ready.

Wait, ready?

What happens when we're ready?

- Well, fuck this.
- Uh-uh! Where you goin'?

- Out of here.
- You heard the voice.

The end of the world
was a lie, okay?

That means everyone
else is still alive.

I have to call my mom.

We're sorry,

your call cannot be completed

because we've trapped
you in this penthouse

until you complete your mission.

- Hell no.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, bitch. What, let me out!

- No way!
- There's no handle!

Uh-oh. So we trapped-trapped.

Okay, drinking time!

Drinking time!

Ladies, I got a good feeling
about this new equation.

You always got a
good feeling, Clotia.

Like that time you
thought James Baldwin

was hittin on you
in the Cotton Club.

He said he liked my hair.

- Button it up, ladies!
- All right?

We got work to do.

Ever since the Hidden
Figures put a man into space,

they expect us to
send one through time.

But they had NASA funding.

Our time travel machine project
is being sponsored by Tide.

Now, how are we going to
walk the space-time continuum

with nothing but an abacus
and unlimited detergent?


Did we do it? I think we did it!


Still here freezing
in the shadows

of Mary, Dorothy, and Catherine.

Don't be so hard on
yourself, Verniece.

Be hard on that there Clotia.


It was your bright idea that
had us put our time machine

in the same place
we keep our mops.

Well, if we put it
in the bathroom,

where would we eat lunch?

You know, don't get me wrong.

A win for one of us is
a win for all of us.

But we been at
this for two years!

- Two.
- And every one of our theories

is like the concept of
"separate but equal"...

- Completely hypothetical!
- Hypothetical.

Ha! We don't even know

- if time travel is possible.
- I mean, who knows?

Look, I didn't wanna
say it, ladies,

but we are the laughing
stock of the building.

You know what the
janitors call us?

- I don't wanna hear.
- They call us.

"The Didn't Figures."
Okay, my mother was right.

She said women don't belong
in the workplace, and I...

What in the Sam Cooke?

- Where did she go?
- I don't know!

I just wanted her to calm down.

J. Edgar Hoover.

You made her disappear!

I am so sorry!

- Are you okay?
- Dr. King!

Something bad's gonna
happen! We gotta go back!

- Wha... oh, my goodness.
- I slapped her silly.

No, but you did slap
me into next week.

With this mark on my face,

we're gonna make
our mark on history.

We invented time travel!

That's genius!

Okay, if I slapped
you into next week,

maybe we can extrapolate that
the higher the intensity,

the greater the
slap-time trajectory.

- Great!
- Let me pop that on my ab...

What, what? I was just testing

your hypothesis... The
trajectory and whatnot.

No, that slap sounded like
it had a history behind it.

Did you save Dr. King?

No, you slapped
me into last week.

- Oh.
- Apparently, a backhand slap

inverts the course
of time travel.

We don't have time for cake.

I wasn't done!

God knows when the
hell you sent that.

- Okay, guys, let's not fight.
- We have to keep trying...

Whatever it takes.
We're so close.

- I know it.
- Ha! I got it.

We just need a fresh cheek.

- Oh, no.
- I can't get slapped today.

I have a family
photo tomorrow...

Oh, Clotia, whatever
happened to,

"We gotta keep trying...
Whatever it takes"?

Now, who the hell is this?

This is Otis, and he
all kinds of fine.

And he's all kinds of married.

- Well, darn it, Faye.
- Not all of us are married.

Some of us have to
time travel for love.

- Forget that man.
- We can't give up.

All right, now what
are we supposed to do?

Come on, pick your knees up!

Good form out there!

So Coach Bradley,
you've been able to take

the Mississippi Central track
team from worst to first...

- Whoo!
- In just a matter of weeks.

How'd you do it?

Well, you know, it wasn't easy.

You know, Cari Champion,
when I got these girls,

they had less talent than a pimp

pretending to be a professor.

Now, God dang it, Manila!

How are you supposed to
run in them sneaker pumps?

This is track practice,
not a Dru Hill concert!

Coach, you know I have asthma!

- The air's better up here.
- What?

- Oh, man!
- Do we have to run today?

- It's so hot!
- If you wanna keep

your partial
scholarship, you do!

You wanna keep that $27 a month?

Huh? Now get down!

Here we go!

Man, let me tell you
something. They were so bad!

We had 'em doing
fake injury drills,

just trying to slide through
the regionals on sympathy.

- Go, go!
- Ow, my back!

I sprained it. Ow.

- Nice one, Manila!
- Very believable.

- Fake injury drills?
- Yeah, fake injury drills.

- Just out there, like...
- My hammie's gone!

- Good, good!
- Stay down there and believe it!

Believe you really pulled it!

No, I really did pull it, Coach.

- Ow!
- God damn it!


- Now, come on!
- You are more useless

than a self-trained
doula when it counts.

How am I supposed to
have you fake an injury

when you got a real
injury? God dang it!

Did you ever think of just
old-school running drills,

- knees up?
- Yeah, of course I did.

- Everybody, stripper thighs!
- Coach!

I don't see the
applications of this!

It didn't help, these
girls are terrible!

Listen, they were out there.

They were slower than a
snail on a swamp tree.

They had less form than
a pound of Play-Doh

and the balance
of a drunk beetle.

You have won every single meet
within the last two weeks.

- How were you able to do that?
- Honestly, it's magic.

Oh, okay. That's cute.

- White girl magic, I get it.
- No.

Make like A Tribe Called Quest
and clean out your ears, Q-tip.

We got a secret weapon.

- This my camera?
- That's your camera, Coach.

Our secret weapon:
Blade, the magician.

Picture your card, and I
will penetrate your mind.

Well, that sounds nasty,

and it's too hot for me to
be using my imagination.

Oh, just pick a card, Celia!

Queen of hearts.

How'd you do that?


That's it! Run girls, run!

Them girls see magic, and they
run like a bat out of hell.

I'm tellin' ya, when
they see one trick,

don't call 'em Quavo,

'cause they take off.

Abra, kadab... no, no!

Now, it has gotten us
disqualified from a few meets.

Okay, that has happened.

Wrong way, Manila!

They have run the wrong way

when they get scared,
but for the most part,

- it's a solid strategy.
- Fascinating

- for our viewers and for me.
- Yeah.

Just for clarity here,
but critics will say

this is considered
cheating, though.

How would you respond?

How would I respond
to that malarkey?

Kiss my ass, whoo!

Pucker up on my butt.

All right, so this
is it, Coach...

The last heat before Nationals.

So what's the strategy?
Talk me through it.

- Blade!
- Oh, okay...

Blade, go get out
there, and do so magic!

- Plain and simple!
- Okay.

Watch this, watch this.

Fear is a beautiful motivator.

Speaking of beauty...


Now all they have to do

is trust their
religious upbringing,

their superstitions, or their
general dislike for magic.

Get 'em across that finish line.

Whoo! Lookin' good!

- Cari Champion.
- Oh, this is a good one.

- Is this your card?
- Aw, hell no!

Coach, I don't fuck with magic!

Well, she wanted this.

Oh! Run, you idiots!

Please don't disappear
before you pay my money.

I'mma Venmo you!

There has to be a way out.

It won't open. It won't open.

It won't open. It won't open.

It won't open. It won't open.

Oh, wait. It opened.

- I can't do this again.
- I can't.

I can't. I can't... not again!

I know yo mama was the last time

some of y'all
niggas saw a pussy.

You know what I'm talkin' about?

Y'all have been great.
You've been a great crowd.

I've been Nora, like
Dora, but a nigga.

Okay, good night.

Okay, our next comedian

has never been on Comedy
Central or "ComicView."

Why would you write that
down... I've... okay.

Give it up for Kisha.

Ha ha!

Hey, how y'all doin'?

How y'all doin'
tonight? I'm Kisha!

Y'all look gooder than a
Honda with all its hubcaps!

You got a car, ma'am?

You rich! Oh, what
else? What else?

You know, I'm just
working on some material.

Let's see what we got.

Oh, man. Hey, guess what.

I like my men like
I like my coffee...


Hurry up, sir!

Boo! You're a hack!

Oh, really? Oh, I'm a hack?

Would a hack

do a spot-on
impression of Rihanna

as a cashier at Kroger's?

Hey, give it up for yourselves!

Rihanna's funny. You're not!

All right, we'll see. What else?

Give it up... Clap
it up for ganja.

How many y'all
like to smoke weed?

- Weed is great.
- I wish I was high for this.

Hey, speaking of apps,

you guys know that app, Venmo?

Man, what is up with Venmo?

I got a app. It's
called gimme-some-mo'!

- Kisha, stop.
- Who said that?

- Your father.
- Daddy?

You finally came to
see one of my shows?

No, it's God, your
Heavenly Father.

Oh, snap! What up?

Mm, why'd you
freeze the audience?

- I was killin'.
- We aren't frozen.

We're bored.

Kisha, you're never gonna
make it as a comedian,

and that's on me.

- No, come on, God.
- This audience is trash!

There's gold in here. Hold on.

Ain't nothin' in there.

Oh, okay. How about this one?

My mama is so crazy...

How crazy is she?

Come on, God. Smite her.

And all of a sudden,
your God said,

"Give it a light,
and put it on me!"

Where did you get a microphone?

What happened to you, Kisha?

I mean, my gynecologist has
better delivery than this.

Did you parents tell you
that you could be anything?

- Of course they did.
- They lied!

They should make a true crime
podcast based on her set,

'cause I've seen autopsies
better than this!

Hey, God, ask Mary Mary to
take the shackles off her jokes

so we can laugh!

God said, "I can
make the blind see,

but I can't make
that bitch funny!"

Kisha, it's time.

In ten years, you've never
gotten a single laugh.

- I beg to differ.
- That kind of thick skin

will make you a great
flight attendant.

Spirit Airlines awaits.

God, she can't get on a plane!

All she does is bomb!

Oh, don't it feel good to laugh?

This is what it's supposed
to sound like, Kisha!

She ate you up!

She just a regular lady!

I work in the post office.

Won't he do it? Praise God.

By that was me. I was God.

I'm not saying that I am God.

But I am Kisha's pastor,
and I can't stand her ass.

You know, Kisha has
told me many times

that she wants to find God,

and I say, "Well,
it's all right,

he ain't lookin'
for you. You good."

I heard that, pastor!

Ho, ho, ho, yes!
Got to be ready!

- Y'all had me thinkin' I sucked.
- You do!

Especially you,
post office lady.

Y'all just added
another four minutes

to my tight five.
What else? What else?

Oil up your shins

and get on the track.
I'ma show you some things.

Why my shins, Coach?

- You'll see.
- I'ma switch to fencin'.

- What?
- With the epee and the rapier.

Soundin' like you
took your teeth out,

but put 'em back in backwards.

I told y'all crowd
work is my specialty.

Hey, you live on a farm?

How are them cornrows?

There's a naked
antelope somewhere.

Do you know... And a
horse... your hair!

You know one time...

One time, I went to
go see my doctor,

and you know, he said, "Uh-oh,
it's a yeast infection!"

And I said, "Ha, you
think I didn't know that?"

You know, I just got
back from Africa.

Wakanda jokes y'all lookin' for?

What else? Hey,
speaking of Oprah,

here's my impression of Stedman.

You know what I'm
sayin'? Boring.

Hey, man, why are cats
and dogs so different?

You know what I'm sayin'?

One be like, "Woof, woof, woof."

Other one be like, "Meow."

Get it together.

Y'all live in the same house!

Give it up for me!

Yeah. Y'all clap weird.