A Bit of Fry and Laurie (1987–1995): Season 4, Episode 2 - Episode #4.2 - full transcript
Extraordinary!
Absolutely extraordinary.
I would say that our house
would've been round about here.
And therefore, the front door
would've been over there,
just where that branch
of Safeway's is.
And of course, all this
would've been our garden.
And, uh, yes, I can remember
the day that my
dog, Hamper, died,
a Border collie with the loveliest laugh.
It really was the saddest day of my life.
I remember my father,
insisting that he actually was
dead. I could hardly believe it.
Harsh lesson.
Learnt young.
Anyway, part of the process of
grieving, of course, is burial,
so I would have buried Hamper, I
suppose, round about here, in fact. Yes.
Hello! So much for 1990s build quality, eh?
Good Lord!
It's you!
Between desire and reality.
A bit.
Between fact and breakfast,
madness lies, lies, lies...
A bit.
I hate you, I hate
you and yet...
I hate you...
As love, rage and
aches of the ear.
Pretension by Fry and Laurie.
Hello. Good evening.
Welcome to another evening of
light comedy, heavy sarcasm,
medium-weight conversation,
and good, rocking sex.
Mmm.
For the next half-an-hour or so,
you're going to be in our hands,
but we'd like to think of you
as being in our arms, too.
That's right. Snuggled up in your cosy
homes, curtains drawn against the night.
Cup of low-calorie,
chocolate-style fluid by your side.
Your fingers toying with the hair
of your best-beloved in your lap.
Or perhaps you're...
just in some hotel,
with nothing but a paper bag
and a prostitute for company.
Or perhaps you're, as I often like
to, you're just standing naked
in front of the mirror,
with nothing but a radish
and a whole world of
possibilities open to you.
Hmm.
But whatever your height,
age, weight, sex,
racial preference,
knee colouring, or cock length,
some of you may be wondering
how my colleague came by
this bandage upon his head.
It's very simple.
A nurse put it on.
What my colleague is trying to
say, if he had but the words,
is that this afternoon he
sustained an accident to his head.
Vince, run that tape, if you'd be so
careful to do exactly as you're told.
I hereby declare this second episode
of A Bit of Fry and Laurie open.
My God. Sorry.
Um...
Hugh. Hugh, me old Chinese meal,
I must ask you this.
Have you sustained any loss of
memory as a result of that accident?
And I think it only fair to warn you
that if you say, "What accident?"
I shall squirt lemon
juice into you.
- None whatever, which is a blessing.
- Oh, that is good news.
I have lost my memory, though.
D'oh!
Can't seem to find a
flush, or a handle.
Anybody know?
Now, there.
That is putting coppers
back on the beat.
I think this idea of lowering the age
of home secretaries is ridiculous.
You know that cling film,
that polythene stuff
you put over food?
I love that stuff.
I do. I love it.
I'm thinking about it now.
I had that transport minister in
the back of the cab the other day,
and it took us an hour and a half
just to get down the Embankment.
And he tapped the window, this one behind
me, that window there, that very one.
He tapped it. He said, "Oh, cabbie",
he said, "Why is it taking so long?"
I said, "It's taking
so long, you dozy turd,
"it's taking so long because you
have let the public transport service
"of this country run into the ground.
They've become a standing joke."
"It's taking so long," I said,
"because you are a cast-iron,
hundred-carat, natural-fibred git!
"Now, get out and walk, before I come
round the back and give you a good hiding."
Well, I didn't actually say that, but
I should have done. I should have done.
I wrote to my MP a couple of weeks ago. I
said, "Dear dickhead, you're a wanker."
I haven't heard back yet.
Now then, I've got a doll here.
Can you show me what it
was that he used to do?
He didn't use a doll.
No, no, no, I mean,
I mean, pretend that the doll is
you, and then show me what it was...
Right, well,
he would take my hand, like that,
and he'd move it up
and down a few times.
Did he threaten you at all,
did he make you
promise to keep this
little secret of yours?
No.
- You don't remember?
- No, I do remember. He didn't threaten me.
Huh. Well, let's just say that you
don't remember not remembering.
No, I do remember remembering, because I
remember thinking,
"I must remember this."
- You're in denial.
- I'm sorry?
"Denial" is what we call the
state you're currently in.
But denial, as everyone
knows, is in Egypt.
Well, it's time now, ladies and gentlemen,
to introduce some guests onto the show.
And first up is the
thoughtless man's thinking man,
the serene love kitten
of the caring set,
the DayGlo volunteer of
international masturbation.
He's the boy they said
would never grow up,
the best damn lettuce
in the whole salad bowl.
Let's meet, let's greet, let's
something rhyming with "eat",
actor, book farmer and
excremental narcissist,
Kevin McNally.
Kevin.
- Hello.
- Well put, well put.
Kevin, they tell me that you're
something of an impressionist.
Are they right to tell me that, or
should I have them taken out and shot?
Uh, well, you know,
Modesty Blaise.
- Well, the floor is yours, Kevin.
- Well, thank you, Stephen.
- "Denial is in Egypt."
- Yes, all right.
♪ She packed my bags
last night pre-flight
♪ Zero hour 9am ♪
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Kevin,
Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.
What?
- Impressionist?
- Impressionist?
- He's nothing like Manet, or Renoir, or...
- Monet?
- It's pathetic.
- You're way off, mate.
Oh, no. That was... Sounded more
like Elton John than anything else.
Dear, oh dear, oh dear.
You're in disgrace.
Come and sit down.
Hugh, who have you got
lying under your tree?
Well, you know, Stephen, there
are many people who can act,
many who can sing, many who can
dance, many who can make you laugh,
many who can play the kitchen,
knit, drive to Formula 3 standard,
achieve a grandmaster norm at chess,
fart, and spell the word moccasins.
But my following guest
is one of that rare breed
who can do none of these things, and
less. She is quite simply quite simple.
Her hair is her own, and her
shoe size never a disappointment.
- Will you please welcome Fiona Gillies.
- Oh, it isn't.
- It is.
- Oh, I never...
Fiona, welcome. Welcome.
- Okay. Did you not know I'm here?
- I can't believe this. I can't believe it.
- No don't... Don't sit there! Don't sit there.
- Sorry, sorry.
It's a sort of a Bermuda
Triangle, just there.
We had a couple of guests sit there last
week, and they just completely vanished.
- No.
- Yeah.
- What? What? What?
- Tell her about the frigates.
The frigates. Yeah, that's right. We had
two Royal Navy frigates, and a rotring pen
also vanish from that
precise spot. Yeah.
Though we did find one of
the frigates later, though.
We did, yes. It had slipped
down the back of the sofa.
So now, Fiona, we asked you to tell
us about your favourite TV blooper,
or TV cock-up. Uh,
which is it to be?
Well, it's one I
actually saw, actually.
- Ooh, ooh.
- What, what?
Two actuallies.
Oh, Fiona, my colleague informs me
that you just used two actuallies.
Oh, I'm sorry. Well, it's a
clip I actually saw, in fact.
I was shooting Anna
Karenina in York...
Can I stop you there?
Can I stop you there?
When you say, "Shooting
Anna Karenina,"
you don't actually
mean filming, do you?
I mean blowing her brains
out with a 12-bore shotgun.
Right, yeah. I wouldn't want to give
the viewers the wrong impression there.
You know what it's like when you're
away from home in a strange hotel.
You stand there naked in front of the mirror
with a radish and a whole world of possibilities.
You watch the TV.
Yeah. Yes, yes, that's right.
- That's what I said, wasn't it?
- Well,
there I was, watching the TV,
and this newsreader had the
most blissful coughing fit.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Fiona,
I must stop you there,
because we've actually tracked
this clip down, this blooper,
and I believe that Mr
Director up in the gallery
has got it laced up
and ready to roll?
- Um, yes, I can confirm he has. He has.
- Oh, it's on? He's got it.
The Local News at Ten
Thirty Three and a Bit.
Good evening.
The main story tonight...
I'm so...
I'm sorry...
Yes, uh, the main story tonight,
Ronald Satterthwaite of Skipton
announced that the oyster season...
I don't...
And you, Fiona, you
actually saw that, actually.
Did indeed, Stephen, yes.
Yes, I understand that there
was a happy ending to the story.
The newsreader was rushed to hospital
but was found to be dead on arrival.
Which is nice. Which is nice.
Now, Kevin, could I ask you
to hand round the Hula Hoops.
There should be
enough for one each.
And, uh, Fiona,
would you be a love,
and scrub the back steps there?
There's a sort of
yellowy-brown stain that my
colleague and I just
haven't been able to shift.
All right? Thanks.
And, funnily enough,
"yellowy-brown stains"
links in rather neatly
with our next item.
I walked into a
shop the other day.
14 stitches.
You know, I mean, they're always
going about, "Don't do it"
and, "Say no" and all that.
You know, and that... It's
just full of shit, innit?
Because, you know, I mean,
I don't do, you know, smack or crack,
or anything rhyming with "ack,"
or, you know, any of the heavy
shit. You know, I do all the rest.
And, you know, I think they
should legalise it, really,
because, you know, it don't
do me any farm-weather pants,
- or, you know, smiling cream...
- or onion dealers, do it?
Yes, well, I'm a Capricorn
and my boyfriend's an alcoholic.
Hello, and welcome to English People
Appear to be the Most Ignorant in Europe.
This morning, I shall be asking questions
of our three likely contestants,
Dieter Schaummer, who is a
dental technician from Hamburg...
Hello.
...Andrea Larsen, who is a
dental technician from Oslo...
Hi.
...and finally, Colin Mint, who is a dental
technician from Tunbridge Wells in Kent.
Right, well, let's go straight into
the first round. Dieter, your question.
Who am I?
I am a female journalist who came to
fame in the 1960s presenting Blue Peter.
- Valerie Singleton.
- Correct, Dieter. Andrea, your question.
Who am I? I am an Underground
station on London's Northern Line,
situated between Warren Street
and Tottenham Court Road.
- Goodge Street.
- Correct, Andrea.
Colin, your question.
Are you ready?
Mmm.
Go on, Colin. Have a guess.
Um, Simon Mayo?
The answer I have on my card,
Colin, I'm afraid,
is General Agreement
on Tariff and Trade.
Never mind. Second round.
Have a look at this.
♪ She's got eyes like diamonds
♪ Hair like twisted gold
♪ When she looks up to me
♪ I feel my blood run cold
♪ No, I don't care
if people laugh
♪ Ha ha
♪ I'm in love with Steffi Graf
♪ I watched her all last summer
♪ I watched her every day
♪ She knew that I was with her
♪ She didn't have to say
♪ She can run but she can't hide
♪ She knows I feel
deep down inside
♪ That Steffi is an angel
♪ But she folds her wings
and walks like you and me
♪ She's extremely good at tennis
♪ On any kind of
surface there might be
♪ Clay or grass
♪ She'll flay your ass
♪ When she hits that
topspin second serve
♪ I think I know the
meaning now of love
♪ East Bonn never
was her favourite
♪ The outside courts were damp
♪ She had a hamstring problem
♪ And recurring muscle cramp
♪ But she dug deep and
won it just the same
♪ My angel never
lost a service game
♪ But now a shadow
in the distance
♪ A girl with ponytail
♪ 16 and full of hunger
♪ The end of Steffi's trail
♪ I can't wait for her defeat
♪ I fetch a knife
and take my seat
♪ 'Cause Steffi is a goddess
♪ My love for her,
it knows no bounds
♪ I'd kill to make her happy
♪ Or just to get her
through the early rounds
♪ Kill or maim
♪ It's just a game
♪ But if I had another
life I'd choose
♪ To come back as
one of Steffi's shoes
♪ 'Cause Steffi is an angel
♪ But she folds her wings
and walks like you and me ♪
Ready?
Welcome to The Lover's Helper.
In the course of
this cassette tape,
I'll be telling you about
a number of techniques
you can use to
improve your love life,
bringing you and your
partner closer than ever.
The first section of this course
deals with foreplay. In this...
In this section, I want to
deal with some techniques
that can help you
arouse your partner.
Start off by simply
holding each other.
Now try stroking your partner.
The key thing to remember
at this point is relaxation.
If you're feeling very relaxed,
now might be a good time for the
man to touch the woman's breasts.
But remember to be gentle.
Touch them as gently as you can.
Try moving one of your
hands gently up and down.
Does that feel good?
Now it's the woman's turn.
Put your hands on his bottom.
Perhaps you might give
his bottom a squeeze.
Now, during all of this, I
hope you'll have been kissing.
But kissing doesn't just
have to be on the mouth.
Some people like to kiss their
partners all over their bodies.
Who knows, if things
are going really well,
you might even end up
nibbling your partner's toes.
If it feels good,
this may be the right time to
start thinking about intercourse.
You know, there's been a lot of stuff in
the news recently about the rise of fascism.
It's the next big thing, they
say. But what exactly is fascism?
What kind of music do
fascists listen to?
What do they wear? Are
there clubs you can go to?
Well, now, Kevin, you're a bit
of an old fascist from way back.
Tell me, what's it all about?
Well, I suppose the first thing that
got me into fascism was the uniform.
Right, have you got your
uniform with you at all?
- Well, I'm wearing it now.
- Oh, that's it, is it?
- Oh, I see. Yeah.
- Yeah, it's comfortable, it's hard-wearing,
and I just... I don't know, I
just think I look good in it.
You do, Kevin, you look
absolutely fabulous, yeah.
If I was homosexual, I'd want to
buy you a drink at the very least.
Well, thanks. If I was homosexual,
I'd have a pint of lager.
- As it is, I like birds.
- Me too.
Right, now we've got...
We've got someone on the
line. I think it's Anna.
Hello, Anna, are you there?
- Hello?
- Anna, hi.
- Hello, Anna.
- What's your question for Kevin?
- Kevin, could you give my mum a wave?
- Certainly.
Yeah, what's your
question for Kevin, Anna?
Kevin, what sort of
music do you listen to?
Yeah, no, uh, that's quite a
good question, actually, Anna.
Yeah, Kevin, what is your bag, what's your
thing, what's your scene? What's your...
I suppose what Anna's really asking is,
what kind of music do you listen to?
Oh. Well, it's all sorts really, Anna.
Uh, military music, marching bands,
and a lot of Wagner.
Yeah, 'cause of course,
Hitler liked all that stuff.
Well, absolutely.
Yeah. Does that answer
your question, Anna?
- Well...
- Yeah, cheers, love.
Now, for those of you watching
at home, it's worth pointing out
that Hitler was quite a big
name in the fascism business
way back in the, what,
early '70s, was it?
- No, earlier than that, even.
- What, even earlier than that?
So he's, like, right in there at the
beginning, like a kind of Elvis figure.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, that's...
That's really interesting. Now,
tell me something about Hitler,
'cause there has been a lot
of stuff written about him,
you know, a lot of magazine profiles.
What kind of guy was he, do you think?
Oh, he was a wild guy, and a little
bit strict, in a funny sort of way.
Yeah, I've heard that.
I'd heard he really liked to
live out there on the edge.
- Oh, absolutely.
- That's really interesting.
Did he have a philosophy at all?
Was he a John-Lennony kind of guy?
Well, I suppose that the supremacy of the
Aryan race was his sort of inspiration.
Yeah, and a sort of
segregational kind of thing.
- Racial purity.
- Racial purity, all that sort of stuff.
- Yeah, but then, tragically, he died, didn't he?
- Yeah, I'm afraid so.
Yeah, what was it? Was it drugs?
- I think I heard...
- No, he shot himself.
Oh, he shot himself? Oh,
that's really sad. Yeah. Yeah.
I guess he must have
been really depressed.
Depression... Depression is a
terrible thing. Terrible thing.
I've been depressed
now for 14 years.
Can't shake it off.
My wife says I should kill myself, but
it's just a coward's way out, you know.
I did try it once, though. Locked
myself in the garage, started the car.
Bloody thing had a
catalytic converter.
Came out after seven hours
with a slight headache.
But mustn't grumble
Hello?
There doesn't seem
to be anyone here.
I expect the others will
turn up in a minute.
In the meantime,
it rather looks as if
I'm sort of on my own.
That's right, my dear.
You are quite, quite alone.
Who's that?
A fog has settled on the moor
and may not lift for days.
Who is there? Show yourself!
Oh, come, my dear, don't
say you've forgotten me.
Forgotten who? What?
Welwyn Garden City, 1974,
Debenhams car park.
Max!
I waited, Fiona.
I waited a long, long time.
But you never came.
Why didn't you come, Fiona?
I waited.
The traffic, I had
a flat headache.
My wife turned up,
the fire burnt down.
Oh, what's the use?
Oh, Max, Max, Max!
I've waited a long time
for this moment, Fiona.
- Max, I'm so sorry.
- "Sorry"? "Sorry"?
You leave me with three bags
of quite heavy shopping,
run off to Paris with your
lover-boy dancing laugher,
and then tell me
that you're sorry?
Oh, Max, you don't understand.
I was young. I was in love.
You broke me. You broke
me into a thousand...
Fiona, my colleague,
what's going on?
- Oh, nothing, nothing.
- Nothing at all.
No, we were just,
um... Just chatting.
Fiona, I must say, you look absolutely
fabulous. Alive, feline, arousing.
No, that's Fiona.
Yes, all right, you know?
It's a sketch in a hospital
ward. I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry that we're not breaking
moulds and deconstructing forms
and drinking strange new types
of lager in underground bars
with tight hipster jeans
hanging off our earlobes.
I'm so sorry,
you know, that we haven't raised
interesting cultural questions.
I'm so nose-blowingly sorry.
- You're not sorry at all.
- Damn bloody right, I'm not.
It's a hospital room, all right? He's
a doctor, he's a patient. Oh, dear!
Oh, arsing dear!
What a disappointment. Where are
the challenged perceptions there?
I don't wonder for a
single hair-gelled,
Time Out-reading, bloody minute.
- Say "ah."
- Ah.
- Say "twim."
- Twim.
- Twim.
- Twim.
- Fa-dabba-ha-wee.
- Fa-dabba-ha-wee.
- Twim.
- Twim.
They do still exist,
you know, hospitals.
Just 'cause a lot of twats in black polo
necks fart their way through the Late Show,
talking about "the dark underbelly
of British social repression"
doesn't mean
hospitals don't exist,
and that people don't go to
them when they're feeling ill...
- Hugh.
- What?
Get out.
Well, Doctor?
"Well, Doctor." Yes.
Well, the situation is this. We do have
a new heart standing by, ready to go in.
A very nice heart it is, too.
Red, which I always think is
the only colour for a heart.
No, that side of
things is all fine.
Oh, thank God.
But, and it's a
pretty fat "but,"
you're a smoker,
aren't you, Mr Spears?
- Well, I occasionally...
- You occasionally smoke cigarettes, yes.
- Is that a problem?
- Well, I'm afraid it is, yes.
Puts me in a hell of a position.
Mr Twovey doesn't smoke, you see.
- Mr Twovey?
- Yes, nice chap, two rooms down,
came in yesterday. He's
also hoping for a new heart,
and he's never
smoked in his life.
Well, he smoked once, but
didn't inhale, so he says.
So, you mean the one heart you've got,
you're going to give it to Mr Twovey?
No, no, not necessarily. As I
say, he's a nice enough chap.
But, by God, you should
see him eating soup.
Soup?
Oh, revolting sight. Slurping, and
sucking, and spilling all over the place.
- Quite revolting.
- Yes?
Now, I've seen you eating soup, Mr Spears,
and it's rather an attractive sight.
You know, you hold the spoon
properly, tilt the bowl away from you,
suck out of the side of the
spoon, not out of the end.
Yeah, all together very neat
about it, very neat indeed.
So?
So, I would say,
you're about even on that score.
'Course, you don't dress
as well as Mr Twovey.
Gerald does a lot of good
work in the community.
- I'm so sorry?
- He's very active within the community.
Yes, I've never really been
sure what that phrase means.
I mean, burglars are very active
within the community, aren't they?
Well, Gerald once
met Esther Rantzen.
- Did you?
- Yes, but I didn't inhale.
I feel so shitty.
Eany-meany-miney-mo...
Oh, now that is good news.
My nurse informs me that a
new heart has just come in,
so we can, in fact,
service you both.
- Never!
- Oh, thank God. Can I kiss you, Doctor?
If I can punch you violently
in the throat, then yes.
Now, um, since I'm here, I might
as well give you first choice.
Of the two hearts,
the first is...
It's from a young squash player
from Aberdeen, about 25 years old.
And the new heart that's just come in
is from a 65-year-old cabinet minister.
Which would you...
Definitely, I think
the cabinet minister.
May I ask why?
Because it's never been used.
Say, Hugh. Do you know
the way to San Jose?
No, Hugh... God, you ask a
perfectly civil question...
Not his fault. He's a little
hard of understanding.
Uh, my colleague, my guests,
um, I've just been on the
telephone to the slim controller,
and I begged him to allow us
to go beyond our allotted time,
but I'm sorry to say that
he was hard, he was inflexible,
and he was very hot.
And that means that we're
going to have to draw
another thick woollen scarf over yet
another week of fun, temptation and pain.
Well, you know, Stephen,
that's very sad...
- Hugh.
- What?
Shut your neck.
Now, my guests, have you made your
cocktail selection this evening?
- You ever had avocado?
- Maybe.
I would like a long
confident suck, please.
- You've selected a long confident suck.
- Yes, please.
A very wise, if I
may say so, decision.
It would be my honour and my
privilege to prepare it for you.
Now, for a long confident
suck, you need a tall glass,
tall spoon, a tall
barman, that's me.
You need a sugar lump steeped in
Angostura bitter, a pitted olive,
a handful of Rice Krispies. They must
be Rice Krispies. Ricicles won't do.
To this, you add a
full measure of gin,
a full measure of Fernet-Branca,
a full measure of
cooking yogurt,
a full measure of Drambuie,
with or without, it
doesn't really matter.
And, least important of
all, some fried water.
However, the most vital ingredient
is missing, and will be delivered
when I say these words.
Please, Mr Music, will you play?
Soupy twist.
Absolutely extraordinary.
I would say that our house
would've been round about here.
And therefore, the front door
would've been over there,
just where that branch
of Safeway's is.
And of course, all this
would've been our garden.
And, uh, yes, I can remember
the day that my
dog, Hamper, died,
a Border collie with the loveliest laugh.
It really was the saddest day of my life.
I remember my father,
insisting that he actually was
dead. I could hardly believe it.
Harsh lesson.
Learnt young.
Anyway, part of the process of
grieving, of course, is burial,
so I would have buried Hamper, I
suppose, round about here, in fact. Yes.
Hello! So much for 1990s build quality, eh?
Good Lord!
It's you!
Between desire and reality.
A bit.
Between fact and breakfast,
madness lies, lies, lies...
A bit.
I hate you, I hate
you and yet...
I hate you...
As love, rage and
aches of the ear.
Pretension by Fry and Laurie.
Hello. Good evening.
Welcome to another evening of
light comedy, heavy sarcasm,
medium-weight conversation,
and good, rocking sex.
Mmm.
For the next half-an-hour or so,
you're going to be in our hands,
but we'd like to think of you
as being in our arms, too.
That's right. Snuggled up in your cosy
homes, curtains drawn against the night.
Cup of low-calorie,
chocolate-style fluid by your side.
Your fingers toying with the hair
of your best-beloved in your lap.
Or perhaps you're...
just in some hotel,
with nothing but a paper bag
and a prostitute for company.
Or perhaps you're, as I often like
to, you're just standing naked
in front of the mirror,
with nothing but a radish
and a whole world of
possibilities open to you.
Hmm.
But whatever your height,
age, weight, sex,
racial preference,
knee colouring, or cock length,
some of you may be wondering
how my colleague came by
this bandage upon his head.
It's very simple.
A nurse put it on.
What my colleague is trying to
say, if he had but the words,
is that this afternoon he
sustained an accident to his head.
Vince, run that tape, if you'd be so
careful to do exactly as you're told.
I hereby declare this second episode
of A Bit of Fry and Laurie open.
My God. Sorry.
Um...
Hugh. Hugh, me old Chinese meal,
I must ask you this.
Have you sustained any loss of
memory as a result of that accident?
And I think it only fair to warn you
that if you say, "What accident?"
I shall squirt lemon
juice into you.
- None whatever, which is a blessing.
- Oh, that is good news.
I have lost my memory, though.
D'oh!
Can't seem to find a
flush, or a handle.
Anybody know?
Now, there.
That is putting coppers
back on the beat.
I think this idea of lowering the age
of home secretaries is ridiculous.
You know that cling film,
that polythene stuff
you put over food?
I love that stuff.
I do. I love it.
I'm thinking about it now.
I had that transport minister in
the back of the cab the other day,
and it took us an hour and a half
just to get down the Embankment.
And he tapped the window, this one behind
me, that window there, that very one.
He tapped it. He said, "Oh, cabbie",
he said, "Why is it taking so long?"
I said, "It's taking
so long, you dozy turd,
"it's taking so long because you
have let the public transport service
"of this country run into the ground.
They've become a standing joke."
"It's taking so long," I said,
"because you are a cast-iron,
hundred-carat, natural-fibred git!
"Now, get out and walk, before I come
round the back and give you a good hiding."
Well, I didn't actually say that, but
I should have done. I should have done.
I wrote to my MP a couple of weeks ago. I
said, "Dear dickhead, you're a wanker."
I haven't heard back yet.
Now then, I've got a doll here.
Can you show me what it
was that he used to do?
He didn't use a doll.
No, no, no, I mean,
I mean, pretend that the doll is
you, and then show me what it was...
Right, well,
he would take my hand, like that,
and he'd move it up
and down a few times.
Did he threaten you at all,
did he make you
promise to keep this
little secret of yours?
No.
- You don't remember?
- No, I do remember. He didn't threaten me.
Huh. Well, let's just say that you
don't remember not remembering.
No, I do remember remembering, because I
remember thinking,
"I must remember this."
- You're in denial.
- I'm sorry?
"Denial" is what we call the
state you're currently in.
But denial, as everyone
knows, is in Egypt.
Well, it's time now, ladies and gentlemen,
to introduce some guests onto the show.
And first up is the
thoughtless man's thinking man,
the serene love kitten
of the caring set,
the DayGlo volunteer of
international masturbation.
He's the boy they said
would never grow up,
the best damn lettuce
in the whole salad bowl.
Let's meet, let's greet, let's
something rhyming with "eat",
actor, book farmer and
excremental narcissist,
Kevin McNally.
Kevin.
- Hello.
- Well put, well put.
Kevin, they tell me that you're
something of an impressionist.
Are they right to tell me that, or
should I have them taken out and shot?
Uh, well, you know,
Modesty Blaise.
- Well, the floor is yours, Kevin.
- Well, thank you, Stephen.
- "Denial is in Egypt."
- Yes, all right.
♪ She packed my bags
last night pre-flight
♪ Zero hour 9am ♪
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Kevin,
Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.
What?
- Impressionist?
- Impressionist?
- He's nothing like Manet, or Renoir, or...
- Monet?
- It's pathetic.
- You're way off, mate.
Oh, no. That was... Sounded more
like Elton John than anything else.
Dear, oh dear, oh dear.
You're in disgrace.
Come and sit down.
Hugh, who have you got
lying under your tree?
Well, you know, Stephen, there
are many people who can act,
many who can sing, many who can
dance, many who can make you laugh,
many who can play the kitchen,
knit, drive to Formula 3 standard,
achieve a grandmaster norm at chess,
fart, and spell the word moccasins.
But my following guest
is one of that rare breed
who can do none of these things, and
less. She is quite simply quite simple.
Her hair is her own, and her
shoe size never a disappointment.
- Will you please welcome Fiona Gillies.
- Oh, it isn't.
- It is.
- Oh, I never...
Fiona, welcome. Welcome.
- Okay. Did you not know I'm here?
- I can't believe this. I can't believe it.
- No don't... Don't sit there! Don't sit there.
- Sorry, sorry.
It's a sort of a Bermuda
Triangle, just there.
We had a couple of guests sit there last
week, and they just completely vanished.
- No.
- Yeah.
- What? What? What?
- Tell her about the frigates.
The frigates. Yeah, that's right. We had
two Royal Navy frigates, and a rotring pen
also vanish from that
precise spot. Yeah.
Though we did find one of
the frigates later, though.
We did, yes. It had slipped
down the back of the sofa.
So now, Fiona, we asked you to tell
us about your favourite TV blooper,
or TV cock-up. Uh,
which is it to be?
Well, it's one I
actually saw, actually.
- Ooh, ooh.
- What, what?
Two actuallies.
Oh, Fiona, my colleague informs me
that you just used two actuallies.
Oh, I'm sorry. Well, it's a
clip I actually saw, in fact.
I was shooting Anna
Karenina in York...
Can I stop you there?
Can I stop you there?
When you say, "Shooting
Anna Karenina,"
you don't actually
mean filming, do you?
I mean blowing her brains
out with a 12-bore shotgun.
Right, yeah. I wouldn't want to give
the viewers the wrong impression there.
You know what it's like when you're
away from home in a strange hotel.
You stand there naked in front of the mirror
with a radish and a whole world of possibilities.
You watch the TV.
Yeah. Yes, yes, that's right.
- That's what I said, wasn't it?
- Well,
there I was, watching the TV,
and this newsreader had the
most blissful coughing fit.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Fiona,
I must stop you there,
because we've actually tracked
this clip down, this blooper,
and I believe that Mr
Director up in the gallery
has got it laced up
and ready to roll?
- Um, yes, I can confirm he has. He has.
- Oh, it's on? He's got it.
The Local News at Ten
Thirty Three and a Bit.
Good evening.
The main story tonight...
I'm so...
I'm sorry...
Yes, uh, the main story tonight,
Ronald Satterthwaite of Skipton
announced that the oyster season...
I don't...
And you, Fiona, you
actually saw that, actually.
Did indeed, Stephen, yes.
Yes, I understand that there
was a happy ending to the story.
The newsreader was rushed to hospital
but was found to be dead on arrival.
Which is nice. Which is nice.
Now, Kevin, could I ask you
to hand round the Hula Hoops.
There should be
enough for one each.
And, uh, Fiona,
would you be a love,
and scrub the back steps there?
There's a sort of
yellowy-brown stain that my
colleague and I just
haven't been able to shift.
All right? Thanks.
And, funnily enough,
"yellowy-brown stains"
links in rather neatly
with our next item.
I walked into a
shop the other day.
14 stitches.
You know, I mean, they're always
going about, "Don't do it"
and, "Say no" and all that.
You know, and that... It's
just full of shit, innit?
Because, you know, I mean,
I don't do, you know, smack or crack,
or anything rhyming with "ack,"
or, you know, any of the heavy
shit. You know, I do all the rest.
And, you know, I think they
should legalise it, really,
because, you know, it don't
do me any farm-weather pants,
- or, you know, smiling cream...
- or onion dealers, do it?
Yes, well, I'm a Capricorn
and my boyfriend's an alcoholic.
Hello, and welcome to English People
Appear to be the Most Ignorant in Europe.
This morning, I shall be asking questions
of our three likely contestants,
Dieter Schaummer, who is a
dental technician from Hamburg...
Hello.
...Andrea Larsen, who is a
dental technician from Oslo...
Hi.
...and finally, Colin Mint, who is a dental
technician from Tunbridge Wells in Kent.
Right, well, let's go straight into
the first round. Dieter, your question.
Who am I?
I am a female journalist who came to
fame in the 1960s presenting Blue Peter.
- Valerie Singleton.
- Correct, Dieter. Andrea, your question.
Who am I? I am an Underground
station on London's Northern Line,
situated between Warren Street
and Tottenham Court Road.
- Goodge Street.
- Correct, Andrea.
Colin, your question.
Are you ready?
Mmm.
Go on, Colin. Have a guess.
Um, Simon Mayo?
The answer I have on my card,
Colin, I'm afraid,
is General Agreement
on Tariff and Trade.
Never mind. Second round.
Have a look at this.
♪ She's got eyes like diamonds
♪ Hair like twisted gold
♪ When she looks up to me
♪ I feel my blood run cold
♪ No, I don't care
if people laugh
♪ Ha ha
♪ I'm in love with Steffi Graf
♪ I watched her all last summer
♪ I watched her every day
♪ She knew that I was with her
♪ She didn't have to say
♪ She can run but she can't hide
♪ She knows I feel
deep down inside
♪ That Steffi is an angel
♪ But she folds her wings
and walks like you and me
♪ She's extremely good at tennis
♪ On any kind of
surface there might be
♪ Clay or grass
♪ She'll flay your ass
♪ When she hits that
topspin second serve
♪ I think I know the
meaning now of love
♪ East Bonn never
was her favourite
♪ The outside courts were damp
♪ She had a hamstring problem
♪ And recurring muscle cramp
♪ But she dug deep and
won it just the same
♪ My angel never
lost a service game
♪ But now a shadow
in the distance
♪ A girl with ponytail
♪ 16 and full of hunger
♪ The end of Steffi's trail
♪ I can't wait for her defeat
♪ I fetch a knife
and take my seat
♪ 'Cause Steffi is a goddess
♪ My love for her,
it knows no bounds
♪ I'd kill to make her happy
♪ Or just to get her
through the early rounds
♪ Kill or maim
♪ It's just a game
♪ But if I had another
life I'd choose
♪ To come back as
one of Steffi's shoes
♪ 'Cause Steffi is an angel
♪ But she folds her wings
and walks like you and me ♪
Ready?
Welcome to The Lover's Helper.
In the course of
this cassette tape,
I'll be telling you about
a number of techniques
you can use to
improve your love life,
bringing you and your
partner closer than ever.
The first section of this course
deals with foreplay. In this...
In this section, I want to
deal with some techniques
that can help you
arouse your partner.
Start off by simply
holding each other.
Now try stroking your partner.
The key thing to remember
at this point is relaxation.
If you're feeling very relaxed,
now might be a good time for the
man to touch the woman's breasts.
But remember to be gentle.
Touch them as gently as you can.
Try moving one of your
hands gently up and down.
Does that feel good?
Now it's the woman's turn.
Put your hands on his bottom.
Perhaps you might give
his bottom a squeeze.
Now, during all of this, I
hope you'll have been kissing.
But kissing doesn't just
have to be on the mouth.
Some people like to kiss their
partners all over their bodies.
Who knows, if things
are going really well,
you might even end up
nibbling your partner's toes.
If it feels good,
this may be the right time to
start thinking about intercourse.
You know, there's been a lot of stuff in
the news recently about the rise of fascism.
It's the next big thing, they
say. But what exactly is fascism?
What kind of music do
fascists listen to?
What do they wear? Are
there clubs you can go to?
Well, now, Kevin, you're a bit
of an old fascist from way back.
Tell me, what's it all about?
Well, I suppose the first thing that
got me into fascism was the uniform.
Right, have you got your
uniform with you at all?
- Well, I'm wearing it now.
- Oh, that's it, is it?
- Oh, I see. Yeah.
- Yeah, it's comfortable, it's hard-wearing,
and I just... I don't know, I
just think I look good in it.
You do, Kevin, you look
absolutely fabulous, yeah.
If I was homosexual, I'd want to
buy you a drink at the very least.
Well, thanks. If I was homosexual,
I'd have a pint of lager.
- As it is, I like birds.
- Me too.
Right, now we've got...
We've got someone on the
line. I think it's Anna.
Hello, Anna, are you there?
- Hello?
- Anna, hi.
- Hello, Anna.
- What's your question for Kevin?
- Kevin, could you give my mum a wave?
- Certainly.
Yeah, what's your
question for Kevin, Anna?
Kevin, what sort of
music do you listen to?
Yeah, no, uh, that's quite a
good question, actually, Anna.
Yeah, Kevin, what is your bag, what's your
thing, what's your scene? What's your...
I suppose what Anna's really asking is,
what kind of music do you listen to?
Oh. Well, it's all sorts really, Anna.
Uh, military music, marching bands,
and a lot of Wagner.
Yeah, 'cause of course,
Hitler liked all that stuff.
Well, absolutely.
Yeah. Does that answer
your question, Anna?
- Well...
- Yeah, cheers, love.
Now, for those of you watching
at home, it's worth pointing out
that Hitler was quite a big
name in the fascism business
way back in the, what,
early '70s, was it?
- No, earlier than that, even.
- What, even earlier than that?
So he's, like, right in there at the
beginning, like a kind of Elvis figure.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, that's...
That's really interesting. Now,
tell me something about Hitler,
'cause there has been a lot
of stuff written about him,
you know, a lot of magazine profiles.
What kind of guy was he, do you think?
Oh, he was a wild guy, and a little
bit strict, in a funny sort of way.
Yeah, I've heard that.
I'd heard he really liked to
live out there on the edge.
- Oh, absolutely.
- That's really interesting.
Did he have a philosophy at all?
Was he a John-Lennony kind of guy?
Well, I suppose that the supremacy of the
Aryan race was his sort of inspiration.
Yeah, and a sort of
segregational kind of thing.
- Racial purity.
- Racial purity, all that sort of stuff.
- Yeah, but then, tragically, he died, didn't he?
- Yeah, I'm afraid so.
Yeah, what was it? Was it drugs?
- I think I heard...
- No, he shot himself.
Oh, he shot himself? Oh,
that's really sad. Yeah. Yeah.
I guess he must have
been really depressed.
Depression... Depression is a
terrible thing. Terrible thing.
I've been depressed
now for 14 years.
Can't shake it off.
My wife says I should kill myself, but
it's just a coward's way out, you know.
I did try it once, though. Locked
myself in the garage, started the car.
Bloody thing had a
catalytic converter.
Came out after seven hours
with a slight headache.
But mustn't grumble
Hello?
There doesn't seem
to be anyone here.
I expect the others will
turn up in a minute.
In the meantime,
it rather looks as if
I'm sort of on my own.
That's right, my dear.
You are quite, quite alone.
Who's that?
A fog has settled on the moor
and may not lift for days.
Who is there? Show yourself!
Oh, come, my dear, don't
say you've forgotten me.
Forgotten who? What?
Welwyn Garden City, 1974,
Debenhams car park.
Max!
I waited, Fiona.
I waited a long, long time.
But you never came.
Why didn't you come, Fiona?
I waited.
The traffic, I had
a flat headache.
My wife turned up,
the fire burnt down.
Oh, what's the use?
Oh, Max, Max, Max!
I've waited a long time
for this moment, Fiona.
- Max, I'm so sorry.
- "Sorry"? "Sorry"?
You leave me with three bags
of quite heavy shopping,
run off to Paris with your
lover-boy dancing laugher,
and then tell me
that you're sorry?
Oh, Max, you don't understand.
I was young. I was in love.
You broke me. You broke
me into a thousand...
Fiona, my colleague,
what's going on?
- Oh, nothing, nothing.
- Nothing at all.
No, we were just,
um... Just chatting.
Fiona, I must say, you look absolutely
fabulous. Alive, feline, arousing.
No, that's Fiona.
Yes, all right, you know?
It's a sketch in a hospital
ward. I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry that we're not breaking
moulds and deconstructing forms
and drinking strange new types
of lager in underground bars
with tight hipster jeans
hanging off our earlobes.
I'm so sorry,
you know, that we haven't raised
interesting cultural questions.
I'm so nose-blowingly sorry.
- You're not sorry at all.
- Damn bloody right, I'm not.
It's a hospital room, all right? He's
a doctor, he's a patient. Oh, dear!
Oh, arsing dear!
What a disappointment. Where are
the challenged perceptions there?
I don't wonder for a
single hair-gelled,
Time Out-reading, bloody minute.
- Say "ah."
- Ah.
- Say "twim."
- Twim.
- Twim.
- Twim.
- Fa-dabba-ha-wee.
- Fa-dabba-ha-wee.
- Twim.
- Twim.
They do still exist,
you know, hospitals.
Just 'cause a lot of twats in black polo
necks fart their way through the Late Show,
talking about "the dark underbelly
of British social repression"
doesn't mean
hospitals don't exist,
and that people don't go to
them when they're feeling ill...
- Hugh.
- What?
Get out.
Well, Doctor?
"Well, Doctor." Yes.
Well, the situation is this. We do have
a new heart standing by, ready to go in.
A very nice heart it is, too.
Red, which I always think is
the only colour for a heart.
No, that side of
things is all fine.
Oh, thank God.
But, and it's a
pretty fat "but,"
you're a smoker,
aren't you, Mr Spears?
- Well, I occasionally...
- You occasionally smoke cigarettes, yes.
- Is that a problem?
- Well, I'm afraid it is, yes.
Puts me in a hell of a position.
Mr Twovey doesn't smoke, you see.
- Mr Twovey?
- Yes, nice chap, two rooms down,
came in yesterday. He's
also hoping for a new heart,
and he's never
smoked in his life.
Well, he smoked once, but
didn't inhale, so he says.
So, you mean the one heart you've got,
you're going to give it to Mr Twovey?
No, no, not necessarily. As I
say, he's a nice enough chap.
But, by God, you should
see him eating soup.
Soup?
Oh, revolting sight. Slurping, and
sucking, and spilling all over the place.
- Quite revolting.
- Yes?
Now, I've seen you eating soup, Mr Spears,
and it's rather an attractive sight.
You know, you hold the spoon
properly, tilt the bowl away from you,
suck out of the side of the
spoon, not out of the end.
Yeah, all together very neat
about it, very neat indeed.
So?
So, I would say,
you're about even on that score.
'Course, you don't dress
as well as Mr Twovey.
Gerald does a lot of good
work in the community.
- I'm so sorry?
- He's very active within the community.
Yes, I've never really been
sure what that phrase means.
I mean, burglars are very active
within the community, aren't they?
Well, Gerald once
met Esther Rantzen.
- Did you?
- Yes, but I didn't inhale.
I feel so shitty.
Eany-meany-miney-mo...
Oh, now that is good news.
My nurse informs me that a
new heart has just come in,
so we can, in fact,
service you both.
- Never!
- Oh, thank God. Can I kiss you, Doctor?
If I can punch you violently
in the throat, then yes.
Now, um, since I'm here, I might
as well give you first choice.
Of the two hearts,
the first is...
It's from a young squash player
from Aberdeen, about 25 years old.
And the new heart that's just come in
is from a 65-year-old cabinet minister.
Which would you...
Definitely, I think
the cabinet minister.
May I ask why?
Because it's never been used.
Say, Hugh. Do you know
the way to San Jose?
No, Hugh... God, you ask a
perfectly civil question...
Not his fault. He's a little
hard of understanding.
Uh, my colleague, my guests,
um, I've just been on the
telephone to the slim controller,
and I begged him to allow us
to go beyond our allotted time,
but I'm sorry to say that
he was hard, he was inflexible,
and he was very hot.
And that means that we're
going to have to draw
another thick woollen scarf over yet
another week of fun, temptation and pain.
Well, you know, Stephen,
that's very sad...
- Hugh.
- What?
Shut your neck.
Now, my guests, have you made your
cocktail selection this evening?
- You ever had avocado?
- Maybe.
I would like a long
confident suck, please.
- You've selected a long confident suck.
- Yes, please.
A very wise, if I
may say so, decision.
It would be my honour and my
privilege to prepare it for you.
Now, for a long confident
suck, you need a tall glass,
tall spoon, a tall
barman, that's me.
You need a sugar lump steeped in
Angostura bitter, a pitted olive,
a handful of Rice Krispies. They must
be Rice Krispies. Ricicles won't do.
To this, you add a
full measure of gin,
a full measure of Fernet-Branca,
a full measure of
cooking yogurt,
a full measure of Drambuie,
with or without, it
doesn't really matter.
And, least important of
all, some fried water.
However, the most vital ingredient
is missing, and will be delivered
when I say these words.
Please, Mr Music, will you play?
Soupy twist.