A Bit of Fry and Laurie (1987–1995): Season 4, Episode 3 - Episode #4.3 - full transcript
Stephen and Hugh are joined by special guests Clive Mantle and Imelda Staunton to discuss everything from getting drunk to opening supermarkets. Stephen tosses a salad as he expresses his anger about a Shakespeare play he watched at the Royal National Theatre.
I love to dunk. I'm a great dunker.
Anything. I just dunk anything.
My husband says I'd dunk my own
name if it wasn't stitched on.
You know, in tea, or
in coffee, or in...
- Hmm?
- You're...
doing one of those repeats, I suppose,
are you? Filming more of those repeats.
You know...
I suppose this is what I pay
my licence fee for, is it?
To keep you lot in
jeans and heroin.
Hmm.
- And then I...
- It's rather irritating, you know.
I'm trying to get through
here, and you're...
There's no room.
No, there's no room. I want
to walk through here...
I might... Look, you see?
Oh, but that doesn't
matter, does it?
No, because you're all...
You're all right, aren't you?
In your jeans and your leather
jackets, and your... opinions.
When I said... I like
to dunk a lot of things,
just dunk, anything,
really. And, um... Oh.
I'm going to write a very stiff
letter. A very stiff letter...
on cardboard.
- I expect you get a lot of this, do you?
- And I shall post it, too.
Between desire and reality.
A bit.
Between fact and breakfast,
madness lies, lies, lies...
A bit.
I hate you, I hate
you and yet...
I hate you...
As love, rage and
aches of the ear.
Pretension by Fry and Laurie.
Ladies and...
Ladies, uh...
Oh, yes. Ladies and gentleman,
welcome to A Bit of Fry and Laurie.
Mesdames et messieurs, bienvenue
â Un Morceau de Fry et Laurie.
Stoat messy bim, goat
yenda fent stootka
Fry stink Laurie.
Lars pebble finger hat,
ply bo hen Fry shat Laurie.
Thar mattadatta,
polipwippip nipsip,
Fry hidden Laurie.
- That's a lovely accent.
- Thank you. Thank you.
Is that from a tape or...
No, no, I used to live
there in the '70s.
- I thought so, I thought so.
- Mmm, mmm.
Well, anyway, that's enough verbal
frotting for the time being.
It's easy to say, you know,
that the next half hour
will soon be filled with the
sound of good fellowship,
the laughter of friends,
and the sobbing of children.
That's right.
But what is hard, however what is
painfully, grindingly, thigh-suckingly hard
is to find the words that can adequately
describe our first guest this evening.
Well, the easiest bit
first. She's a man.
A man of real distinction, born within
moaning distance of Sevenoaks in Kent,
our first guest has
variously been described
as the finest classical
murderer of his generation,
and also as the Jilly
Cooper of anal love.
He's the captain of his soul and the
chief petty officer of his destiny,
and he brings to A Bit of Fry and Laurie
a much-needed injection of heroin.
- He is, of course, Clive Mantle.
- Oh, excellent, I had no idea.
Hello, Clive.
Now, Clive, this is
very exciting for me.
In fact, this is something of a
realisation of a lifelong ambition,
as far as I'm concerned.
My colleague wasn't all that keen
on having you on, but I insisted.
Really?
My colleague will have his little joke.
No, sincerely, a great pleasure, Clive.
- Thank you.
- Now, Clive, tell us what you've been up to.
You had a bit of a hard night
last night, I understand.
- Not really. No.
- No?
Well, there was something
about you and, you know...
- What?
- You and a certain actor from EastEnders.
- Oh, that, well...
- Yeah?
A certain amount of hell
was raised, I understand?
Uh, you know what the press are like,
they'd like to blow
everything out of all proportion.
I think in your case, nature's
already done that, Clive.
But, Clive, tell me. Um, I've met
a number of reformed hell-raisers,
but I think I'm right in saying
you're the first hell-raiser
proper I've ever actually met.
Tell us about this business of
hell-raising, what's it all about?
Well, I think it's specifically
a reference to drinking.
Oh, I see. So, when they say
hell-raiser, they really mean "drunk."
Correct?
No,
I think there's a bit more to it than that.
- Such as?
- Well,
being rude to waiters, you know, upsetting
the odd table, that sort of thing.
Well, something learnt there already,
so when they say hell-raiser,
they mean, "Old drunk who is rude
to waiters and upsets tables."
I think the idea is
that it's quite stylish...
Stylish!
Well, you know, amusing.
Really? Amusing, really?
Well, Stephen, your witness.
No further questions.
Relax, Clive, the rapier
is back in its scabbard.
Well, from sad old drunks who are
rude to waiters and upset tables...
- Stylishly.
- Always stylishly.
We move on to our
second studio visitor.
You know, ladies and gentleman,
when Shakespeare wrote the words,
"Time cannot wither her, nor
custom stale her infinite variety,"
it's possible he was
thinking of Cleopatra.
But it's also just possible too that he
was thinking of our next studio guest.
She's been described
as the doyenne of...
- It's very unlikely.
- Highly unlikely.
Why?
Well,
she was born centuries after Shakespeare.
He couldn't possibly be talking about her,
they never met, he'd never heard of her...
Yeah, all right, all
right, all right.
Ladies and gentleman, when
Jeffrey Archer wrote the words,
"The expanding bullet
mushroomed inside Ullman's thigh,
"splintering bone and tissue, as
if it had been cheap crockery,"
it's just possible he was
thinking of our next guest.
- Better. Much better.
- Much better.
Her friends call her Snutty,
but to millions of fans of
the Littlewoods Catalogue,
she is adoringly and affectionately
known as the Cardigan Lady.
Ladies and gentleman, please welcome,
please ingest, please assimilate gently,
the manifold delights
of Imelda Staunton.
Imelda, Imelda, Imelda,
Imelda, Imelda, Imelda,
Imelda, Imelda,
Imelda, Imelda, Imelda.
Imelda, Snutty, Snutty.
- Um, tell us all about your week.
- Oh, well, it's been frantic, Stephen.
- Mmm. Supermarket openings?
- How did you guess?
- I didn't.
- Well, you're wrong anyway.
'Cause I've never opened
a supermarket in my life.
Fascinating. Really?
- You never opened a supermarket?
- No.
I never knew that. But you do make a number
of personal appearances during the course
- of your weekly week, don't you?
- Yes, yes, that's right.
I did make a personal
appearance yesterday,
at the hairdresser's, to
get my hair, um, you know...
- Dressed?
- Dressed, yeah.
And I also made an appearance
at the bus stop to catch a bus.
They must take an enormous amount out
of you, these personal appearances.
Well, yeah. I've just gotta grin
and bear it, though, you know...
Yes, well, I'd
rather you didn't.
My colleague, would you
care to cross-examine?
- Well, now, Imelda...
- Oh, oh, oh...
- Snutty, please.
- Snutty, I'm so sorry.
Snutty, um, when you
agreed to come on the show,
you said that you'd be prepared
to undergo a bit of a challenge.
- No, no, don't say that, now.
- Oh, no...
You can't back out of it now,
because if you do, we'll hit you.
What we want you to do, is to look at this
photograph and provide an amusing caption.
Photograph is right over there. So
look at it now. Look at it. Look at it!
- Ooh, uh...
- I'll have to hurry you?
So it's "Ooh, uh." Clive, can you do
any better than "Ooh, uh," do you think?
Uh, well...
Hmm.
So, we've got to choose between
"Ooh, uh" and "Well."
- Tricky.
- Very tricky, indeed.
What do you think, my colleague?
- I think we'll have to call it a draw.
- I think you're right.
Imelda, could you accept this old-fashioned
English-assortment cigar tin from us
as our... As your prize?
And, Clive. Please accept this small
kiss on the brow from my colleague.
Good night.
Strange man.
And talking of strange men...
Oh, well, what I always say is,
if it walks like a duck,
quacks like a duck, shoot it.
I was christened Gay, you see.
Um, it was a perfectly
common name in the 1950s,
but today, well, it has
connotations, doesn't it?
You know, if you go around
saying, "Hello, I'm Gay."
So I went to the Deed Poll place
and I changed it to
"Rampantly Homosexual."
- Another one please, barman.
- You sure?
- What?
- No offence, but this will be your seventh.
- You just keep 'em coming.
- Righto. Your funeral.
- Bitch.
- Come again?
- My wife.
- Oh, right, right.
She doesn't understand me.
She's never understood me.
What, Polish or
something, is she?
You ever been...
You ever been trapped in a loveless
marriage with a woman you despise?
Not since I was nine.
Do you like it straight up?
- What?
- Or with ice?
- Ice.
- Righto.
- Cocktail onion?
- No, thanks.
She takes no interest in my friends,
you know. She laughs at my...
- Peanuts?
- ...hobbies.
- She doesn't even value my...
- Crinkle-cut cheesy Wotsits?
...career.
You know, it's
just so depressing.
- All right, so other men have got larger...
- Plums?
...salaries, and better prospects,
and other men can-
- can boast a healthier-looking...
- Stool?
...lifestyle.
All right, you know, so I haven't
got loads of cash hanging around.
You know, but why complain? Other
people are worse off. I've got a job.
- I've got two sweet, rosy...
- Nibbles?
...children.
And she's always going on and
on and on about my appearance.
I mean, it's not as if
she's an oil painting.
- You know, I mean frankly she's...
- Plain and prawn-flavoured.
She's not as young as
she used to be herself.
I don't know why I bother with
women. I'd be better off being a...
- Fruit?
- Well...
Monk or a hermit or something.
- At least if I was a...
- Fag?
At least if I was a monk, you know,
I wouldn't have to put up with women,
you know... Women going on and on,
who can talk the hind leg off a...
- Camel?
- ...donkey, you know.
The trouble is, I couldn't
live without women.
You know, in a monastery the best
you can hope for is a bit of...
Chocolate Hobnob?
...peace and spirituality.
I mean, let's face it, we
haven't slept together for years.
You know,
the best I can hope for is a bit of...
Savoury finger?
...a bit of a...
Bit of a cuddle at Christmas.
And, naturally, she won't let
me give her so much as a...
Good juicy tongue
in the back passage.
...as a peck on the cheek.
I tell you... I tell you, the trouble
with that woman, is that she's just a...
Rather disgusting-looking tart that
should have been disposed of ages ago?
She...
I tell you what it is, she's a complainer.
That's what she is, a complainer.
Well, one more for the road I think,
barman.
Certainly. Anything
to go with it?
Bag of oral sex,
if you've got one.
...and pants first. Always
pants first. Then socks.
Then shoes,
trousers, shirt, tie,
possibly a hat,
but only if I'm really hungry.
It's funny, we had this thrush
outside our bedroom window,
and it kept us awake for weeks.
So, in the end, I got up and
poured natural yoghurt all over it.
- Hello, Julie.
- Oh, hello, Frank. Kettle's on.
Uh, no, ta. Um, Julie, there's
something I wanted to tell you.
Oh, well, can't it wait? Only, I've
got to pick Rebecca up at 4:00.
- Oh, not really, no.
- Oh, well, make it quick then.
- Yeah, well, I'm trying.
- Only, I've got to pick Rebecca up at 4:00.
Yeah, but it's not easy.
Oh, blimey. Look, it's nearly 4:00 now.
I've got to pick Rebecca up in a minute.
No, look, hold on,
love. This is important.
- Important?
- Yeah.
- You see, the thing is this. I've...
- Bill!
- Sorry, am I...
- No, no, it's all right.
No, Frank was going to
tell me something important
but I've got to pick
Rebecca up at 4:00. So...
Well, I'll pick
Rebecca up if you like.
- You sure?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, no problem. What time?
- Uh, 4:00.
- Oh, blimey, it's nearly 4:00 now.
- I know.
- Well, I'll go and pick her up, then.
- Well, kettle's on.
No thanks, treacle.
Look, I better get a move
on so I'll make it by 4:00.
Oh, thanks.
- All right, see you, sis.
- See ya.
- Now then, what's so important?
- Well...
- Kettle's on, by the way.
- No, thanks, no.
You sure? Won't take a minute.
No, no, you see,
the thing is this, Julie...
- Sorry, am I...?
- What's wrong? What's wrong? Rebecca all right?
- Oh, fine...
- No, tell me, what's happened?
Nothing's happened.
- It's just...
- What?
Well, where am I going
to pick her up from?
- Oh, Rebecca?
- Yeah.
- Tony's.
- Oh, Tony's. Great, yeah.
- What time?
- I said 4:00.
Oh, blimey.
I'd better make a move or I
might not make it by 4:00.
Now then...
- Let's have that tea.
- Uh, no, not for me.
- You sure? Kettle's on.
- No, really...
- Two seconds. Warm the pot...
- No...
- ...couple of tea bags...
- Julie.
What?
- Yeah, ta. I'd love a cup of tea.
- Ooh.
Now, this big important
thing that can't wait...
Well, it's not very easy,
love, 'cause the thing is...
- Sugar?
- Uh, yeah, two. Thanks.
Look, we've known each other
for some time, haven't we?
Yeah.
I suppose what I'm trying
to say is this, I've been...
Either of you two seen Bill?
- Bill?
- Yeah, he's supposed to be giving me a lift.
No, he's gone to fetch Rebecca.
- What time?
- 9:00.
- 9:00?
- Oh, no, wait a minute, 4:00.
- 4:00?
- 4:00.
- Sure?
- Sure. He'll be back in a minute.
Oh, I'll hang on then.
Kettle on, is it?
♪ Oh, little girl
♪ Would you like a sweetie?
Would you put your hand in mine?
♪ I promise not to hurt you
Or impinge upon your virtue
♪ All I want is half
a second of your time
♪ Oh, little girl
♪ Won't you smile
into the camera?
♪ This time I know we'll
get the perfect shot
♪ Now do you think that it would
hurt If you just undid your shirt
♪ And showed the readers
everything you've got?
♪ Little girl
♪ You really mustn't worry No
one will respect you any less
♪ When all is said and done You
know, it's just a bit of fun
♪ Now be a sport, take
off that pretty dress
♪ Little girl
♪ Can't you see
now you are famous?
♪ Your name is on
the nation's lips
♪ Over breakfast they'll admire you
In their lunch hour they'll desire you
♪ And by tea time you'll
be wrapping up their chips
♪ Little girl
♪ Congratulations on your record
♪ They played it on
the wireless just today
♪ It was fast and rather naughty
Went straight in at number 40
♪ Though the DJ said that's
where it ought to stay
♪ Little girl
♪ So you got married
to a pop star
♪ I can hardly work my
camera for the tears
♪ But as you said your fond goodbyes
I got a great one of your thighs
♪ What a shame you were
divorced within a year
♪ Little girl
♪ You're not a girl
and you're not little
♪ But there's still one
thing I'd love it if you'd do
♪ Although she's
slightly shorter
♪ I would love to
meet your daughter
♪ Do you think that she
would like to follow you?
♪ Do you think that she
would like to follow you? ♪
Conservative.
Sorry. There it is.
Yes?
Ah, well, now... I'm...
I'm a lifelong, dyed-in-the-wool
don't-know, really.
Well, yeah, you see
I got this system.
I mean, I know people say there's
no such thing as a perfect system,
but, yeah, mine's pretty good.
What happens is, I vote
Conservative in elections,
and if there isn't an election, I
vote Labour. And that seems to work.
I'm one of those, um...
One of those ones that...
Oh, what are they called? The people
who change their minds all the time.
An archetypal...
Oh, what's the phrase? Someone who votes
first this way and then that way...
"Something" voter.
That's what I am.
You know, with the pace of
modern life being what it is,
it's sometimes hard, isn't it, to
make time for the simple things,
like masturbation, and brewing
a really good pot of tea,
because we're besieged on all sides,
aren't we, by the "instant" merchants:
instant coffee, instant
traffic, instant hair,
instant devolution of
power to local government
through the channels
of tariff reform and the
implementation of local
weighting measures.
Well, to help you slow down and make
time, I'm going to get Snutty here
to take us through the
traditional way to make
a pot of hot-strong,
hot-strong-good-strong,
hot-warming, but not hotting,
good-fresh, fresh-good
tea. Good. Snuts.
Well, the first step
is to warm the pot.
Well, priceless piece of advice
right there, ladies and gentleman.
Next, find yourself
an area of soil,
not less than two metres
square, preferably south-facing,
where you can plant a tea plant.
And that's where we
get tea from, is it?
Sorry?
From the tea plant, that's
where we get tea from, is it?
No, that's where we
get cups and saucers.
Having...
Having planted a tea plant, you're looking
at a number of years, perhaps three,
before the bush is
strong enough to yield a
reasonable amount of
what we call tea leaves.
Mmm! Can hardly wait.
- Hugh?
- Yes?
Would you be a love
and fetch my secateurs?
- Secateurs, right. Where are they?
- At my uncle's house in Carlisle.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
So, luckily, three years ago,
Hugh mentioned
they might be
featuring the tea plant.
So I went ahead and planted
one, and here it is.
- So I think it would...
- Carlisle?
Yeah.
But that's miles away.
No, no, no, no.
Intercity, no time.
Right.
So if I tear off a couple of
these leaves, they give off,
- mmm, a fabulous aroma.
- You were absolutely right, no time at all.
Oh, well done. Well
done, well done.
Very good, actually.
They're very good, these.
- So was there a buffet car?
- Yes, there was, actually. Yes.
And how was their tea?
Not bad at all. It was
instant, but you know...
- It's not the same, really, is it?
- As what?
Same as this good old-fashioned,
proper, British,
good-hot, fresh, hot-fresh,
good-fresh-good,
warming-but-not-hotting,
good-fresh, fresh-good tea. British.
- Right. So, Snutty...
- Yeah.
- ...you've planted your tea plant, all right.
- Mmm-hmm.
You've waited for three years, and
you've warmed the pot already...
Yes, now you can see why you
warm the pot first, can't you?
To save time, of course.
So what's the next stage?
Well, now we go to
a restaurant or cafe
where they have a reputation for
serving an excellent cup of tea.
Let's do that now.
You know,
we're not really very interested in
politics, not very adventurous,
you know...
Missionary position's always been
all right for us. So why change?
People always mock things
that they can't understand.
That's why they mock John
Major being Prime Minister.
Nobody can understand
how it happened.
Went to the theatre the other night,
the National... Our National Theatre...
Our Royal National Theatre.
Saw a play. Yes, all
right, it was only a play.
Oh, brilliant! So now I'm
to be judged and mocked
and whipped and scorned because
it was only a play, am I?
It's all right! It was
only a sod-buggering play!
No, Eric Cantona wasn't in it.
Nor was Linford Christie or Stephen
Hendry or any of the big stars.
Jesus Christ! What do
you want from me, huh?
Hmm? Hmm?
I mean, Christ, at least I bother to
get off my fat, wobbling, festering,
lardy carpet and actually
go to the theatre!
Suddenly, I'm Adolf Eichmann!
Well, I mean you just don't... Oh,
why won't this frigging tomato behave?
God! I mean, what is the earthly point
of trying, just for once in your life,
just trying to make an honest, decent
salad for no other motive other than love,
and a decent desire,
without the crudging, arsing
thing coming apart in your hand?
Anyway, I saw a play there by
Shakespeare, as it happens.
And so I started thinking.
Thinking about...
Oh, damn and blast!
This cocking cucumber!
Why does it have
to be like this?
I watched television last night. It was
like... It was like staring into a sewer.
I counted 23 tits,
14 arses, and a thigh.
Hmm? Well, I mean,
why can't they
show something on television that
shows you don't have to be dirty?
Hmm? You don't have to be dirty.
Hello, and welcome
to Don't Be Dirty.
The show that shows you
don't have to be dirty.
With us is Tony,
three-times semi-finalist,
and John, keen to be clean,
who came through unexpectedly
when last week's finalist,
Mr Nottingham, died in a canoe.
Tony, I'd like you
to start first.
Would you describe
for us, Tony, please,
the act of fellatio, that's the act,
Tony, of fellatio, without, Tony,
and I'm sure you must know the
rules by now, without being dirty.
And your time starts
five seconds ago.
Uh... This is an act that
takes place between two people,
uh, possibly of opposite
sexes, but possibly not...
Careful, Tony.
...whereby, one of the participants takes
a part of the other participant's person
into the place where they might
more commonly keep bubblegum, say,
and proceeds to masticate...
Oh, Tony, I thought you were a goner
there. You're playing with fire, mind.
...until the other participant arrives
at a state of pleasurable relaxation.
The second participant then gives the
first participant ten quid and goes home.
Oh, unbelievable! Can no one beat
this big man from Hunstanton?
Well, John, it's
up to you. Now...
Your topic is the
preservation of hardwoods.
Your time starts... then!
Well, this is a very necessary
business operation...
- Tony's challenged.
- He said "business."
You did say "business,"
John, you did.
Little bit dirty there. Minute
away but plenty of time to go.
Operation that has
to be carried out if
developers are not to
rase our hardwood forests...
Another challenge from
our reigning champion.
- The nature of your challenge, Tony, please.
- He said... He said "rase."
- He did say "rase," Tony.
- "Rase" is an anagram of "arse."
Rase is an anagram of arse,
John, it is, it is, it is.
So sorry. I'm afraid we have to
lose you. You were keen to be clean
but you came up against a man
very much at the top of his form.
- So sorry to say goodbye.
- Oh, piss!
Tony, you've been in
this position before.
You keep the £800 anyway. They're
yours to keep, as of right.
No one can take them away from
you, but I'm offering you now
another £600, plus
an opportunity
to go into our Don't Be Dirty daily
double with a chance to win £10.
- I'll go for the daily double.
- I knew you'd say that, Tony.
You're a sport, quite a sport.
But do remember that the prizes
that you've won are yours to keep.
They're yours,
yours alone. You're clear on that?
I am clear on that,
Bradley, yes.
All right. So long as you're clear on that.
They're yours, no one else's, just yours.
All right. Can we
have the Don't Be Dirty
daily double categories on the board,
please?
Rimming,
genital torture, and David Vine.
Now remember, this is a daily
double, so two subjects, Tony.
I have to hurry you as you take your
time. Just take your time, very quickly.
Uh, genital torture and
David Vine, please, Bradley.
Tony...
You have 30 earth
seconds in which to talk
about genital torture
and David Vine.
And those 30 seconds,
Tony, start...
Oh, damn, just missed that one.
Coming up.
Now!
Uh, nipple clamps and
scrotal compressors
are frequently deployed, as well
as a variety of serrated needles
which are inserted
into parts of the body
normally kept inside
pants and vests.
Presenting various sporting events,
most notably the World Snooker finals
from the Crucible Theatre,
Sheffield, David Vine combines
an easy, relaxed presentational style,
with a clear expertise on the game. He...
Oh, Tony, Tony! You
said "on the game"!
Oh, you're dirty, Tony,
and that's a pity.
I was. I was dirty.
Shite, arse, damn.
Only four seconds to
go, and you were dirty.
Tony, I'm so sorry. It means you
lose all the prizes you won last week
and the prizes you won
tonight. They're gone.
They're not yours, they're lost. As
of right, they're not yours any more.
I'm afraid you have to repay
to us your travel expenses
and you leave us empty-handed.
But, Tony, you knew the risks.
I did, Bradley, yes,
I knew the risks, yes.
But tell me this thing, Tony. Have
you had a good time on Don't Be Dirty?
Have you enjoyed yourself?
Has it been a pleasure?
It's been a big one, Bradley.
It's been a really, really big
one. I've pleasured myself hugely.
Oh, well, that's good to hear.
Until next time, ladies and gentlemen,
we say goodbye. But do remember this.
- Don't be dirty.
- Don't be dirty.
Well, that bitch,
whore, strumpet time
has dealt us another deadly
dog turd, I'm afraid.
And I look up at the space on the wall
that's covered by the Fry and Laurie clock
and I see that in one-and-a-half minutes'
time, I will no longer be able to say,
"Ladies and gentlemen, you are
watching A Bit of Fry and Laurie."
I can say it now, however.
Ladies and gentlemen, you are
watching A Bit of Fry and Laurie.
But not for long.
- Hugh.
- What?
I'd be interested
to see the memo
from the Director General that gives
you permission to butt in like that.
I'm so very sorry.
I can certainly show you the
memo that tells you to butt out.
He's quite right.
Well, now it comes to that
time where I ask our guests
to tell me the kind,
sort, or kind of cocktail
that they would like
served to them this evening.
Lady guest and gentle guest,
faites vos choix, s'il vous plaît.
Well, I want one of each.
No, no, no. No, I think we'll plump
for the South Seas Vulvic Wart.
Mmm!
The South Seas Vulvic Wart.
Well, for this you will
need two scooped-out melons,
plenty of ice, some
dry London gin,
check, that should
be wet London gin.
You will need the opening paragraph
of George Eliot's Silas Marner.
You will need a wedge
of toast for decoration,
a lump of Cinzano Bianco,
of course, some Cointreau,
and some photographs of Lech
Walesa attached to cocktail sticks.
And as I prepare a South
Seas Genital Wart, I say,
as I like to on these occasions,
those six refreshing
words that unlock the door
to sophisticated
evening happiness.
I say,
please, Mr Music, will you play?
Soupy twist.
Anything. I just dunk anything.
My husband says I'd dunk my own
name if it wasn't stitched on.
You know, in tea, or
in coffee, or in...
- Hmm?
- You're...
doing one of those repeats, I suppose,
are you? Filming more of those repeats.
You know...
I suppose this is what I pay
my licence fee for, is it?
To keep you lot in
jeans and heroin.
Hmm.
- And then I...
- It's rather irritating, you know.
I'm trying to get through
here, and you're...
There's no room.
No, there's no room. I want
to walk through here...
I might... Look, you see?
Oh, but that doesn't
matter, does it?
No, because you're all...
You're all right, aren't you?
In your jeans and your leather
jackets, and your... opinions.
When I said... I like
to dunk a lot of things,
just dunk, anything,
really. And, um... Oh.
I'm going to write a very stiff
letter. A very stiff letter...
on cardboard.
- I expect you get a lot of this, do you?
- And I shall post it, too.
Between desire and reality.
A bit.
Between fact and breakfast,
madness lies, lies, lies...
A bit.
I hate you, I hate
you and yet...
I hate you...
As love, rage and
aches of the ear.
Pretension by Fry and Laurie.
Ladies and...
Ladies, uh...
Oh, yes. Ladies and gentleman,
welcome to A Bit of Fry and Laurie.
Mesdames et messieurs, bienvenue
â Un Morceau de Fry et Laurie.
Stoat messy bim, goat
yenda fent stootka
Fry stink Laurie.
Lars pebble finger hat,
ply bo hen Fry shat Laurie.
Thar mattadatta,
polipwippip nipsip,
Fry hidden Laurie.
- That's a lovely accent.
- Thank you. Thank you.
Is that from a tape or...
No, no, I used to live
there in the '70s.
- I thought so, I thought so.
- Mmm, mmm.
Well, anyway, that's enough verbal
frotting for the time being.
It's easy to say, you know,
that the next half hour
will soon be filled with the
sound of good fellowship,
the laughter of friends,
and the sobbing of children.
That's right.
But what is hard, however what is
painfully, grindingly, thigh-suckingly hard
is to find the words that can adequately
describe our first guest this evening.
Well, the easiest bit
first. She's a man.
A man of real distinction, born within
moaning distance of Sevenoaks in Kent,
our first guest has
variously been described
as the finest classical
murderer of his generation,
and also as the Jilly
Cooper of anal love.
He's the captain of his soul and the
chief petty officer of his destiny,
and he brings to A Bit of Fry and Laurie
a much-needed injection of heroin.
- He is, of course, Clive Mantle.
- Oh, excellent, I had no idea.
Hello, Clive.
Now, Clive, this is
very exciting for me.
In fact, this is something of a
realisation of a lifelong ambition,
as far as I'm concerned.
My colleague wasn't all that keen
on having you on, but I insisted.
Really?
My colleague will have his little joke.
No, sincerely, a great pleasure, Clive.
- Thank you.
- Now, Clive, tell us what you've been up to.
You had a bit of a hard night
last night, I understand.
- Not really. No.
- No?
Well, there was something
about you and, you know...
- What?
- You and a certain actor from EastEnders.
- Oh, that, well...
- Yeah?
A certain amount of hell
was raised, I understand?
Uh, you know what the press are like,
they'd like to blow
everything out of all proportion.
I think in your case, nature's
already done that, Clive.
But, Clive, tell me. Um, I've met
a number of reformed hell-raisers,
but I think I'm right in saying
you're the first hell-raiser
proper I've ever actually met.
Tell us about this business of
hell-raising, what's it all about?
Well, I think it's specifically
a reference to drinking.
Oh, I see. So, when they say
hell-raiser, they really mean "drunk."
Correct?
No,
I think there's a bit more to it than that.
- Such as?
- Well,
being rude to waiters, you know, upsetting
the odd table, that sort of thing.
Well, something learnt there already,
so when they say hell-raiser,
they mean, "Old drunk who is rude
to waiters and upsets tables."
I think the idea is
that it's quite stylish...
Stylish!
Well, you know, amusing.
Really? Amusing, really?
Well, Stephen, your witness.
No further questions.
Relax, Clive, the rapier
is back in its scabbard.
Well, from sad old drunks who are
rude to waiters and upset tables...
- Stylishly.
- Always stylishly.
We move on to our
second studio visitor.
You know, ladies and gentleman,
when Shakespeare wrote the words,
"Time cannot wither her, nor
custom stale her infinite variety,"
it's possible he was
thinking of Cleopatra.
But it's also just possible too that he
was thinking of our next studio guest.
She's been described
as the doyenne of...
- It's very unlikely.
- Highly unlikely.
Why?
Well,
she was born centuries after Shakespeare.
He couldn't possibly be talking about her,
they never met, he'd never heard of her...
Yeah, all right, all
right, all right.
Ladies and gentleman, when
Jeffrey Archer wrote the words,
"The expanding bullet
mushroomed inside Ullman's thigh,
"splintering bone and tissue, as
if it had been cheap crockery,"
it's just possible he was
thinking of our next guest.
- Better. Much better.
- Much better.
Her friends call her Snutty,
but to millions of fans of
the Littlewoods Catalogue,
she is adoringly and affectionately
known as the Cardigan Lady.
Ladies and gentleman, please welcome,
please ingest, please assimilate gently,
the manifold delights
of Imelda Staunton.
Imelda, Imelda, Imelda,
Imelda, Imelda, Imelda,
Imelda, Imelda,
Imelda, Imelda, Imelda.
Imelda, Snutty, Snutty.
- Um, tell us all about your week.
- Oh, well, it's been frantic, Stephen.
- Mmm. Supermarket openings?
- How did you guess?
- I didn't.
- Well, you're wrong anyway.
'Cause I've never opened
a supermarket in my life.
Fascinating. Really?
- You never opened a supermarket?
- No.
I never knew that. But you do make a number
of personal appearances during the course
- of your weekly week, don't you?
- Yes, yes, that's right.
I did make a personal
appearance yesterday,
at the hairdresser's, to
get my hair, um, you know...
- Dressed?
- Dressed, yeah.
And I also made an appearance
at the bus stop to catch a bus.
They must take an enormous amount out
of you, these personal appearances.
Well, yeah. I've just gotta grin
and bear it, though, you know...
Yes, well, I'd
rather you didn't.
My colleague, would you
care to cross-examine?
- Well, now, Imelda...
- Oh, oh, oh...
- Snutty, please.
- Snutty, I'm so sorry.
Snutty, um, when you
agreed to come on the show,
you said that you'd be prepared
to undergo a bit of a challenge.
- No, no, don't say that, now.
- Oh, no...
You can't back out of it now,
because if you do, we'll hit you.
What we want you to do, is to look at this
photograph and provide an amusing caption.
Photograph is right over there. So
look at it now. Look at it. Look at it!
- Ooh, uh...
- I'll have to hurry you?
So it's "Ooh, uh." Clive, can you do
any better than "Ooh, uh," do you think?
Uh, well...
Hmm.
So, we've got to choose between
"Ooh, uh" and "Well."
- Tricky.
- Very tricky, indeed.
What do you think, my colleague?
- I think we'll have to call it a draw.
- I think you're right.
Imelda, could you accept this old-fashioned
English-assortment cigar tin from us
as our... As your prize?
And, Clive. Please accept this small
kiss on the brow from my colleague.
Good night.
Strange man.
And talking of strange men...
Oh, well, what I always say is,
if it walks like a duck,
quacks like a duck, shoot it.
I was christened Gay, you see.
Um, it was a perfectly
common name in the 1950s,
but today, well, it has
connotations, doesn't it?
You know, if you go around
saying, "Hello, I'm Gay."
So I went to the Deed Poll place
and I changed it to
"Rampantly Homosexual."
- Another one please, barman.
- You sure?
- What?
- No offence, but this will be your seventh.
- You just keep 'em coming.
- Righto. Your funeral.
- Bitch.
- Come again?
- My wife.
- Oh, right, right.
She doesn't understand me.
She's never understood me.
What, Polish or
something, is she?
You ever been...
You ever been trapped in a loveless
marriage with a woman you despise?
Not since I was nine.
Do you like it straight up?
- What?
- Or with ice?
- Ice.
- Righto.
- Cocktail onion?
- No, thanks.
She takes no interest in my friends,
you know. She laughs at my...
- Peanuts?
- ...hobbies.
- She doesn't even value my...
- Crinkle-cut cheesy Wotsits?
...career.
You know, it's
just so depressing.
- All right, so other men have got larger...
- Plums?
...salaries, and better prospects,
and other men can-
- can boast a healthier-looking...
- Stool?
...lifestyle.
All right, you know, so I haven't
got loads of cash hanging around.
You know, but why complain? Other
people are worse off. I've got a job.
- I've got two sweet, rosy...
- Nibbles?
...children.
And she's always going on and
on and on about my appearance.
I mean, it's not as if
she's an oil painting.
- You know, I mean frankly she's...
- Plain and prawn-flavoured.
She's not as young as
she used to be herself.
I don't know why I bother with
women. I'd be better off being a...
- Fruit?
- Well...
Monk or a hermit or something.
- At least if I was a...
- Fag?
At least if I was a monk, you know,
I wouldn't have to put up with women,
you know... Women going on and on,
who can talk the hind leg off a...
- Camel?
- ...donkey, you know.
The trouble is, I couldn't
live without women.
You know, in a monastery the best
you can hope for is a bit of...
Chocolate Hobnob?
...peace and spirituality.
I mean, let's face it, we
haven't slept together for years.
You know,
the best I can hope for is a bit of...
Savoury finger?
...a bit of a...
Bit of a cuddle at Christmas.
And, naturally, she won't let
me give her so much as a...
Good juicy tongue
in the back passage.
...as a peck on the cheek.
I tell you... I tell you, the trouble
with that woman, is that she's just a...
Rather disgusting-looking tart that
should have been disposed of ages ago?
She...
I tell you what it is, she's a complainer.
That's what she is, a complainer.
Well, one more for the road I think,
barman.
Certainly. Anything
to go with it?
Bag of oral sex,
if you've got one.
...and pants first. Always
pants first. Then socks.
Then shoes,
trousers, shirt, tie,
possibly a hat,
but only if I'm really hungry.
It's funny, we had this thrush
outside our bedroom window,
and it kept us awake for weeks.
So, in the end, I got up and
poured natural yoghurt all over it.
- Hello, Julie.
- Oh, hello, Frank. Kettle's on.
Uh, no, ta. Um, Julie, there's
something I wanted to tell you.
Oh, well, can't it wait? Only, I've
got to pick Rebecca up at 4:00.
- Oh, not really, no.
- Oh, well, make it quick then.
- Yeah, well, I'm trying.
- Only, I've got to pick Rebecca up at 4:00.
Yeah, but it's not easy.
Oh, blimey. Look, it's nearly 4:00 now.
I've got to pick Rebecca up in a minute.
No, look, hold on,
love. This is important.
- Important?
- Yeah.
- You see, the thing is this. I've...
- Bill!
- Sorry, am I...
- No, no, it's all right.
No, Frank was going to
tell me something important
but I've got to pick
Rebecca up at 4:00. So...
Well, I'll pick
Rebecca up if you like.
- You sure?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, no problem. What time?
- Uh, 4:00.
- Oh, blimey, it's nearly 4:00 now.
- I know.
- Well, I'll go and pick her up, then.
- Well, kettle's on.
No thanks, treacle.
Look, I better get a move
on so I'll make it by 4:00.
Oh, thanks.
- All right, see you, sis.
- See ya.
- Now then, what's so important?
- Well...
- Kettle's on, by the way.
- No, thanks, no.
You sure? Won't take a minute.
No, no, you see,
the thing is this, Julie...
- Sorry, am I...?
- What's wrong? What's wrong? Rebecca all right?
- Oh, fine...
- No, tell me, what's happened?
Nothing's happened.
- It's just...
- What?
Well, where am I going
to pick her up from?
- Oh, Rebecca?
- Yeah.
- Tony's.
- Oh, Tony's. Great, yeah.
- What time?
- I said 4:00.
Oh, blimey.
I'd better make a move or I
might not make it by 4:00.
Now then...
- Let's have that tea.
- Uh, no, not for me.
- You sure? Kettle's on.
- No, really...
- Two seconds. Warm the pot...
- No...
- ...couple of tea bags...
- Julie.
What?
- Yeah, ta. I'd love a cup of tea.
- Ooh.
Now, this big important
thing that can't wait...
Well, it's not very easy,
love, 'cause the thing is...
- Sugar?
- Uh, yeah, two. Thanks.
Look, we've known each other
for some time, haven't we?
Yeah.
I suppose what I'm trying
to say is this, I've been...
Either of you two seen Bill?
- Bill?
- Yeah, he's supposed to be giving me a lift.
No, he's gone to fetch Rebecca.
- What time?
- 9:00.
- 9:00?
- Oh, no, wait a minute, 4:00.
- 4:00?
- 4:00.
- Sure?
- Sure. He'll be back in a minute.
Oh, I'll hang on then.
Kettle on, is it?
♪ Oh, little girl
♪ Would you like a sweetie?
Would you put your hand in mine?
♪ I promise not to hurt you
Or impinge upon your virtue
♪ All I want is half
a second of your time
♪ Oh, little girl
♪ Won't you smile
into the camera?
♪ This time I know we'll
get the perfect shot
♪ Now do you think that it would
hurt If you just undid your shirt
♪ And showed the readers
everything you've got?
♪ Little girl
♪ You really mustn't worry No
one will respect you any less
♪ When all is said and done You
know, it's just a bit of fun
♪ Now be a sport, take
off that pretty dress
♪ Little girl
♪ Can't you see
now you are famous?
♪ Your name is on
the nation's lips
♪ Over breakfast they'll admire you
In their lunch hour they'll desire you
♪ And by tea time you'll
be wrapping up their chips
♪ Little girl
♪ Congratulations on your record
♪ They played it on
the wireless just today
♪ It was fast and rather naughty
Went straight in at number 40
♪ Though the DJ said that's
where it ought to stay
♪ Little girl
♪ So you got married
to a pop star
♪ I can hardly work my
camera for the tears
♪ But as you said your fond goodbyes
I got a great one of your thighs
♪ What a shame you were
divorced within a year
♪ Little girl
♪ You're not a girl
and you're not little
♪ But there's still one
thing I'd love it if you'd do
♪ Although she's
slightly shorter
♪ I would love to
meet your daughter
♪ Do you think that she
would like to follow you?
♪ Do you think that she
would like to follow you? ♪
Conservative.
Sorry. There it is.
Yes?
Ah, well, now... I'm...
I'm a lifelong, dyed-in-the-wool
don't-know, really.
Well, yeah, you see
I got this system.
I mean, I know people say there's
no such thing as a perfect system,
but, yeah, mine's pretty good.
What happens is, I vote
Conservative in elections,
and if there isn't an election, I
vote Labour. And that seems to work.
I'm one of those, um...
One of those ones that...
Oh, what are they called? The people
who change their minds all the time.
An archetypal...
Oh, what's the phrase? Someone who votes
first this way and then that way...
"Something" voter.
That's what I am.
You know, with the pace of
modern life being what it is,
it's sometimes hard, isn't it, to
make time for the simple things,
like masturbation, and brewing
a really good pot of tea,
because we're besieged on all sides,
aren't we, by the "instant" merchants:
instant coffee, instant
traffic, instant hair,
instant devolution of
power to local government
through the channels
of tariff reform and the
implementation of local
weighting measures.
Well, to help you slow down and make
time, I'm going to get Snutty here
to take us through the
traditional way to make
a pot of hot-strong,
hot-strong-good-strong,
hot-warming, but not hotting,
good-fresh, fresh-good
tea. Good. Snuts.
Well, the first step
is to warm the pot.
Well, priceless piece of advice
right there, ladies and gentleman.
Next, find yourself
an area of soil,
not less than two metres
square, preferably south-facing,
where you can plant a tea plant.
And that's where we
get tea from, is it?
Sorry?
From the tea plant, that's
where we get tea from, is it?
No, that's where we
get cups and saucers.
Having...
Having planted a tea plant, you're looking
at a number of years, perhaps three,
before the bush is
strong enough to yield a
reasonable amount of
what we call tea leaves.
Mmm! Can hardly wait.
- Hugh?
- Yes?
Would you be a love
and fetch my secateurs?
- Secateurs, right. Where are they?
- At my uncle's house in Carlisle.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
So, luckily, three years ago,
Hugh mentioned
they might be
featuring the tea plant.
So I went ahead and planted
one, and here it is.
- So I think it would...
- Carlisle?
Yeah.
But that's miles away.
No, no, no, no.
Intercity, no time.
Right.
So if I tear off a couple of
these leaves, they give off,
- mmm, a fabulous aroma.
- You were absolutely right, no time at all.
Oh, well done. Well
done, well done.
Very good, actually.
They're very good, these.
- So was there a buffet car?
- Yes, there was, actually. Yes.
And how was their tea?
Not bad at all. It was
instant, but you know...
- It's not the same, really, is it?
- As what?
Same as this good old-fashioned,
proper, British,
good-hot, fresh, hot-fresh,
good-fresh-good,
warming-but-not-hotting,
good-fresh, fresh-good tea. British.
- Right. So, Snutty...
- Yeah.
- ...you've planted your tea plant, all right.
- Mmm-hmm.
You've waited for three years, and
you've warmed the pot already...
Yes, now you can see why you
warm the pot first, can't you?
To save time, of course.
So what's the next stage?
Well, now we go to
a restaurant or cafe
where they have a reputation for
serving an excellent cup of tea.
Let's do that now.
You know,
we're not really very interested in
politics, not very adventurous,
you know...
Missionary position's always been
all right for us. So why change?
People always mock things
that they can't understand.
That's why they mock John
Major being Prime Minister.
Nobody can understand
how it happened.
Went to the theatre the other night,
the National... Our National Theatre...
Our Royal National Theatre.
Saw a play. Yes, all
right, it was only a play.
Oh, brilliant! So now I'm
to be judged and mocked
and whipped and scorned because
it was only a play, am I?
It's all right! It was
only a sod-buggering play!
No, Eric Cantona wasn't in it.
Nor was Linford Christie or Stephen
Hendry or any of the big stars.
Jesus Christ! What do
you want from me, huh?
Hmm? Hmm?
I mean, Christ, at least I bother to
get off my fat, wobbling, festering,
lardy carpet and actually
go to the theatre!
Suddenly, I'm Adolf Eichmann!
Well, I mean you just don't... Oh,
why won't this frigging tomato behave?
God! I mean, what is the earthly point
of trying, just for once in your life,
just trying to make an honest, decent
salad for no other motive other than love,
and a decent desire,
without the crudging, arsing
thing coming apart in your hand?
Anyway, I saw a play there by
Shakespeare, as it happens.
And so I started thinking.
Thinking about...
Oh, damn and blast!
This cocking cucumber!
Why does it have
to be like this?
I watched television last night. It was
like... It was like staring into a sewer.
I counted 23 tits,
14 arses, and a thigh.
Hmm? Well, I mean,
why can't they
show something on television that
shows you don't have to be dirty?
Hmm? You don't have to be dirty.
Hello, and welcome
to Don't Be Dirty.
The show that shows you
don't have to be dirty.
With us is Tony,
three-times semi-finalist,
and John, keen to be clean,
who came through unexpectedly
when last week's finalist,
Mr Nottingham, died in a canoe.
Tony, I'd like you
to start first.
Would you describe
for us, Tony, please,
the act of fellatio, that's the act,
Tony, of fellatio, without, Tony,
and I'm sure you must know the
rules by now, without being dirty.
And your time starts
five seconds ago.
Uh... This is an act that
takes place between two people,
uh, possibly of opposite
sexes, but possibly not...
Careful, Tony.
...whereby, one of the participants takes
a part of the other participant's person
into the place where they might
more commonly keep bubblegum, say,
and proceeds to masticate...
Oh, Tony, I thought you were a goner
there. You're playing with fire, mind.
...until the other participant arrives
at a state of pleasurable relaxation.
The second participant then gives the
first participant ten quid and goes home.
Oh, unbelievable! Can no one beat
this big man from Hunstanton?
Well, John, it's
up to you. Now...
Your topic is the
preservation of hardwoods.
Your time starts... then!
Well, this is a very necessary
business operation...
- Tony's challenged.
- He said "business."
You did say "business,"
John, you did.
Little bit dirty there. Minute
away but plenty of time to go.
Operation that has
to be carried out if
developers are not to
rase our hardwood forests...
Another challenge from
our reigning champion.
- The nature of your challenge, Tony, please.
- He said... He said "rase."
- He did say "rase," Tony.
- "Rase" is an anagram of "arse."
Rase is an anagram of arse,
John, it is, it is, it is.
So sorry. I'm afraid we have to
lose you. You were keen to be clean
but you came up against a man
very much at the top of his form.
- So sorry to say goodbye.
- Oh, piss!
Tony, you've been in
this position before.
You keep the £800 anyway. They're
yours to keep, as of right.
No one can take them away from
you, but I'm offering you now
another £600, plus
an opportunity
to go into our Don't Be Dirty daily
double with a chance to win £10.
- I'll go for the daily double.
- I knew you'd say that, Tony.
You're a sport, quite a sport.
But do remember that the prizes
that you've won are yours to keep.
They're yours,
yours alone. You're clear on that?
I am clear on that,
Bradley, yes.
All right. So long as you're clear on that.
They're yours, no one else's, just yours.
All right. Can we
have the Don't Be Dirty
daily double categories on the board,
please?
Rimming,
genital torture, and David Vine.
Now remember, this is a daily
double, so two subjects, Tony.
I have to hurry you as you take your
time. Just take your time, very quickly.
Uh, genital torture and
David Vine, please, Bradley.
Tony...
You have 30 earth
seconds in which to talk
about genital torture
and David Vine.
And those 30 seconds,
Tony, start...
Oh, damn, just missed that one.
Coming up.
Now!
Uh, nipple clamps and
scrotal compressors
are frequently deployed, as well
as a variety of serrated needles
which are inserted
into parts of the body
normally kept inside
pants and vests.
Presenting various sporting events,
most notably the World Snooker finals
from the Crucible Theatre,
Sheffield, David Vine combines
an easy, relaxed presentational style,
with a clear expertise on the game. He...
Oh, Tony, Tony! You
said "on the game"!
Oh, you're dirty, Tony,
and that's a pity.
I was. I was dirty.
Shite, arse, damn.
Only four seconds to
go, and you were dirty.
Tony, I'm so sorry. It means you
lose all the prizes you won last week
and the prizes you won
tonight. They're gone.
They're not yours, they're lost. As
of right, they're not yours any more.
I'm afraid you have to repay
to us your travel expenses
and you leave us empty-handed.
But, Tony, you knew the risks.
I did, Bradley, yes,
I knew the risks, yes.
But tell me this thing, Tony. Have
you had a good time on Don't Be Dirty?
Have you enjoyed yourself?
Has it been a pleasure?
It's been a big one, Bradley.
It's been a really, really big
one. I've pleasured myself hugely.
Oh, well, that's good to hear.
Until next time, ladies and gentlemen,
we say goodbye. But do remember this.
- Don't be dirty.
- Don't be dirty.
Well, that bitch,
whore, strumpet time
has dealt us another deadly
dog turd, I'm afraid.
And I look up at the space on the wall
that's covered by the Fry and Laurie clock
and I see that in one-and-a-half minutes'
time, I will no longer be able to say,
"Ladies and gentlemen, you are
watching A Bit of Fry and Laurie."
I can say it now, however.
Ladies and gentlemen, you are
watching A Bit of Fry and Laurie.
But not for long.
- Hugh.
- What?
I'd be interested
to see the memo
from the Director General that gives
you permission to butt in like that.
I'm so very sorry.
I can certainly show you the
memo that tells you to butt out.
He's quite right.
Well, now it comes to that
time where I ask our guests
to tell me the kind,
sort, or kind of cocktail
that they would like
served to them this evening.
Lady guest and gentle guest,
faites vos choix, s'il vous plaît.
Well, I want one of each.
No, no, no. No, I think we'll plump
for the South Seas Vulvic Wart.
Mmm!
The South Seas Vulvic Wart.
Well, for this you will
need two scooped-out melons,
plenty of ice, some
dry London gin,
check, that should
be wet London gin.
You will need the opening paragraph
of George Eliot's Silas Marner.
You will need a wedge
of toast for decoration,
a lump of Cinzano Bianco,
of course, some Cointreau,
and some photographs of Lech
Walesa attached to cocktail sticks.
And as I prepare a South
Seas Genital Wart, I say,
as I like to on these occasions,
those six refreshing
words that unlock the door
to sophisticated
evening happiness.
I say,
please, Mr Music, will you play?
Soupy twist.