A.P. Bio (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Melvin - full transcript

Crazy news week, am I right?

Can't say I didn't see that one coming!

Morning, Melvin.

Oh, hey, sorry I got
your car towed last week.

You know, but one inch
into the driveway...

rules are rules.

Your veins look weird today, buddy.

Uh-huh.

Oh, oh!

That must be Gerty's!

You good little dog, yes.



Thanks for picking it up for me.

Yeah.

Just reloading.

♪ One, two, three, four! ♪

♪ Next time, I'll listen to my heart ♪

♪ Next time, well, I'll be smart ♪

Hey, Lynette. Hey.

How are you?

Can't say I didn't see that one coming.

Oh, yeah.

Funny stuff. Yeah, funny stuff.

Hey, so, um, that was
really fun the other night.

Uh, you want to hang out again sometime?

Maybe as a date?



Uh...

A pause is worrisome.

Yeah, I just... I don't know, Jack.

I don't think we're a good fit.

You hate Toledo, and I'm here to stay.

Only four more payments
left on my grave plot, so...

Ooh, well, that's exciting.

I'd like to see that grave plot.

Maybe... maybe with
some wine and cheese?

No, no, that's a date.

- Ah.
- Perfect date.

And we can't do that,
but maybe... maybe...

we could hang out as friends.

Though I do worry hanging out is
a gateway drug to harder stuff.

Oh, no, no, no, no. A
hangout, that's perfect.

Yeah, I... you know what?

I'm gonna plan an amazing hangout.

It's gonna be so great,
and you're gonna laugh

that you were ever even worried, okay?

A big, wheezy, deep, guttural,

Dom DeLuise-style laugh.

All right. See ya.

Yes, I agree, Randy, a picture
is worth a thousand words.

But is it worth a thousand dollars?

No, Randy, Randy, we don't
have it in the budget.

Oh, okay, joke's on you.

I would love to be screwed.

- Helen?
- Huh?

Randy, our yearbook photographer,

has decided to raise his rates.

Yearbook pictures start tomorrow.

- What are we gonna do?
- We're gonna have to fix it.

You know, it's a great
break for the ugly kids,

but the pretty kids are gonna be mad.

All right, shut up.

Now, I'm gonna ask
you guys for something

that I feel almost certain
doesn't actually exist...

fun things to do in Toledo.

It's for a potential
hangout with Lynette.

- So like a date?
- Excellent riddle, troll.

It is like a date, but it is not a date.

It's just a, you know, fun, friendly,

and, uh, potentially
flirty... at most... hangout.

They do tableside pasta
at Spaghetti Warehouse.

You get to see them boil it.

All right, please no restaurants

with the word "warehouse" or "factory"

or "mill" in the name,

You could split a pad
Thai and a sparkling wine.

That's what I do with
my college girlfriend.

Mm, I wouldn't call
the soft inner lining

of a Duke sweatshirt a girlfriend.

Oh, nothing gets my
father's whore revved up

like a night at the dog track.

We still calling her a whore
even though they're engaged?

Yeah.

Did you know Toledo's revitalized
riverfront is for lovers?

Next person caught quoting

the Toledo tourism board gets an F.

Come on, guys, think.

We went out one time,

and now this clown
won't stop texting me.

- Ugh, look at this.
- Let me see.

Oh, wait a minute.

Oh. Oh, you meant,
like, a literal clown.

Mm.

Like a children's entertainer.

You're dating Garbanzo?

- It's not dating.
- Lucky duck!

Oh, he's hilarious.

Keith and I hired him
for our anniversary.

He's a cute clown, girl.

Good morning, ladies.

Let me ask you a question.

Would you hire this photographer
to take the yearbook photos?

- Ooh!
- Wow!

Okay, well, get ready for a shock,

because this guy...

is free.

Uh, Ralph?

Oh, hang on.

It's me.

Durbs.

Well, it looks like we have
a new yearbook photographer.

- Yes.
- Then I says to the guy,

"It's an '04 Corolla, okay?

"I don't need the fancy oil.

"Besides, alls I got is $20,

so alls you're gonna get is $20".

- Hey, Lynette.
- Hey.

So our hangout, okay?

I was thinking we'd go
classic. You ready for this?

All right, we start with a wine tasting

and then a prix fixe dinner,

and then I take you to
the Cleveland Symphony.

- Okay, that all sounds pretty date-y.
- Yeah.

I think we should watch a
very, very unromantic movie,

like "John Wick 2".

Mm.

Will I be lost if I
haven't seen part one?

Do you know how guns work?

This guy says, "Look,
what's the difference of $4?

I says, "What's the difference of $4?

That's a coffee. That's a candy
bar". You know what I mean?

It's like, don't make me
list things that $4 will buy.

'Cause you know what?
I got a million of 'em.

Hey, jackwad.

UPS said they delivered my
Garrett's popcorn yesterday.

Did you touch my Garrett's?

Maybe look in the garbage
bin where you chucked

my Castelvetrano olive
deliveries last week.

♪ I won't dance, don't ask me ♪

♪ I won't dance, monsieur, with you ♪

♪ I know that music leads the way ♪

♪ To romance ♪

♪ So if you hold me in your arms ♪

♪ I won't dance ♪

Whoa. I have never seen a
hologram of "The Last Supper".

Yeah, my mom loved that one.

She said it was the closest
thing to a video of Jesus.

She had great taste.

I love everything in here.

Oh, well, if you like this room,

you are gonna love the basement.

Wow, that came out so much
creepier than I thought it would.

I would like to see
your basement sometime.

Whoa, slow down, Lynette. Slow down.

All right...

Here we go.

Just gonna pause it for a second.

Would you excuse me for a minute?

I got to take care of something.

Sure.

Just looking at the stars,

eating some olives,

testing the old car alarm.

Hey, Melvin, I think you
dropped something, bud.

Hey, Jack?

Are you about to throw poop

at that elderly man and his dog?

Uh...

Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I... look, I was... I wasn't
gonna throw it at him.

I-I was just gonna, you know,

kind of push it into his chest.

Look, if this guy's making
your life miserable,

putting dog poop on his jacket
isn't gonna solve anything.

Revenge isn't for everybody,
but it has its merits.

Right, which is why you
wait until he's asleep,

then slide it through his mail slot.

Dog poop on the carpet?

Now, that is a steam cleaning

and three days with the
windows open, at least.

Wow, I got to tell you...

that is the hottest thing
any woman's ever said to me.

You're welcome.

Okay, Helen.

- Hit me with the wind and the tunes.
- Yes.

All right, all right.

Okay, Victor, let's
go on a little journey.

All right, here we go.

Yeah, okay.

Find your wind. Find your wind.

Find the wind. Okay,
that's... look away.

Look away and then look back!

Yeah, look away again. Look away.

Look back! Oh, nice.

Okay, now climb up on
the chair and jump at me.

And a little jump. And now
ready? Okay, scream, scream!

♪ She was pure like snowflakes ♪

This isn't working.

- I'm sorry.
- Don't be sorry, be good.

I hate this new mop.

I can't believe you threw my
favorite one in the trash.

Are we still on this, Dale?

Life's too short for me to
talk about a mop this much.

You're right.

But just a couple more
things about my...

Oh, know what I just remembered?

I actually put your
mop in a magic Dumpster

because I knew you loved it so much,

and whatever you put
in the magic Dumpster

comes back as something
else even better.

But talking about it too
much can hurt the magic.

Okay.

Why didn't you say this five days ago?

Thank you.

Now we wait.

I got to go back to computer school.

Can a... can a sulking failure sit here?

I already told Dave he could.

I genuinely can't tell
if we're friends or not.

Oh, Dave.

What's the matter, Durbs?

Kids didn't like my pictures.

I tried to do something different.

I tried to add a little sauce,

but apparently nobody wants that.

Oh, don't let kids
determine your self-worth.

Yeah, let us do that.

Yeah, Ralph, sauce up our pictures.

- Yeah!
- Yeah, Ralph!

- Sauce us.
- Yeah, all right.

Okay.

Mary, I want you to fling the
paint at the canvas, all right?

You're Jackson Pollock
with a little bit of lion.

Fling the paint, Mary.

Fling it. Now you're all lion!

You get in here, you mean old lion!

Okay, Stef, now, you're
Marie Antoinette, all right?

Let you eat cake.

- Yes, yes.
- Let yourself.

There you go, yes.

Now tear into that cake
with your bare hands!

- Don't mind if I do.
- No, no, Helen.

No, Helen!

Become a brush.

Oh, yes.

Now... now smash that cake. Smash it.

Yes, queen!

Ooh, attack the canvas.

Beautiful! Yes!

Oh, I wasn't ready for that. Yes.

Oh, the lens is melted. The lens melted.

Filthy!

Oh, oh.

Uh, okay, let's, uh...

let's tone it down a little bit there.

Maybe a little... maybe
a little less sexy.

School's still in session, so...

Ooh, jeez.

Okay, come on.

And I says, "Listen, buddy,
if I walk into a restaurant

and I order a grilled cheese

and you bring me a steak on the side

that I didn't ask for,
do I got to pay for it?"

He said, "Depends on the restaurant".

I says, "No, it doesn't.

You can't give me something
I didn't ask for".

Hey, hey.

Hey.

So... your little mail-slot
plan worked perfectly.

I'm talking poopy
footprints inside and out.

It was a mess... beautiful stuff.

Problem solved.

- Well...
- See, this dynamic works.

We're not dating. We're just

helping each other destroy old men.

Well, not so fast, because
Melvin struck back.

It appears he sawed a
small tree down in my yard.

Very quiet sawing. It must
have taken him hours.

- Wow, this guy's good.
- Mm-hmm.

You need to strike at his heart.

Yeah, but the guy's so miserable.

I mean, what's something
he actually loves?

Kidnap his dog.

She gets it.

Damn, who's this beefcake?

- Is that your dad?
- That's not my dad.

Okay. All right, guys, that's enough.

Bring it in, okay?
Let's review the plans.

So you Scouts are gonna distract Melvin

with your magazine-selling routine.

Uh, technically, I'm the only
one here who's a real Scout.

- Well, this one's a dud.
- Oh, yeah, he sucks.

Uh, Grace, you got that ransom note?

- Yep.
- Okay, great.

Whoa, that... that really
looks like real blood.

Please don't tell me
whether it is or not.

It is.

It is? All right, well, don't
tell me where it's from.

My hamster.

All right, moving on.

I brought my camping stove

so we can lure our canine
friend with the aroma of meat.

Who knows? I may sneak
a sniff or two myself.

Okay, Vic. Yeah, sniff away, sniff away.

Anthony, you'll grab the
dog and bring it back.

Yes, hunty.

All right, guys, let's, uh...
let's break this old man.

Yeah.

Get to it.

Come on, let's go.

We're selling magazines,
sir. What's your pleasure?

Politics, hunting, celebrity "goss"?

Salesmen, huh?

Salespersons.

Sweetie...

I was a door-to-door salesman

before your parents were even smooching.

- That's very cool.
- You don't say?

Spoon sets was my game.

Wow, Vic really loves
that steak, doesn't he?

He looks like he's trying
to inhale the whole thing.

Come on, man. Leave
some sniffs for the dog.

- You know what I mean?
- Yeah, seriously.

- Oh, my God, here they come.
- Yep.

Oh, Anthony, come on.
Would you hurry it up?

Yeah, that guy's got one gear.

- Seriously.
- Here we go.

Now all we got to do

is wait for Melvin to call
the number on the ransom note,

which goes to this burner phone.

- Yes. Give it to me. Give it to me.
- That was so fun!

- Morning, Helen.
- Good morning.

I want to thank Mary, Stef,
and Michelle for yesterday,

so could you send them
each a bottle of champagne?

Oh, I don't know how to do that.

Yeah, me neither.

Champagne problems, am I right?

Wait, is that what that means?

- I don't know.
- Me neither.

Anyway, I can't wait to get my, uh,

snapping finger to work, so, uh...

Listen, Ralph, we only
got through one student

and three teachers yesterday,

and if we don't get everyone
else finished today,

we're gonna spend more money
on that equipment and lights

than we would have if we
would have hired Randy.

Okay.

I'll just have to shoot the
rest of the students today.

- That's right.
- Champagne problems.

Is that it?

- I-I don't know.
- Yeah, me neither.

No.

It's fun to wonder.

Where you going, huh?

Where you going, girl?

Okay... hey, come on.

- Good girl, good girl.
- Hey, Jack.

Yeah?

Pretty sure we both know
what's going on here.

That's not your dog.

And I know how you got it.

That dog is my mop.

You got it from the magic Dumpster.

I'm sorry.

Wow, I really thought that
was going somewhere else.

Did you just say this dog is your mop?

- That I did, old friend.
- Hmm.

I'm gonna have to take
that sweet little one back.

I'm gonna give her a great life.

Okay.

I'm gonna get my mop
back, you dog thief!

Come on, girl. Come on, girl.

Yeah, come on, girl.

Who's a good girl? Who's a good...

All right, everyone shut up.

Everybody just go ahead and shut up.

You still have the dog?

Oh, yeah, Melvin hasn't called yet.

He hasn't called yet?

What do you get by repeating
what I just said, Marcus, huh?

- Who does it help?
- This guy is stone cold.

He's trying to outlast us.

- You think?
- I think so.

You know what? I say we cut
the cloak-and-dagger crap.

I say we go bang on his door,

and we tell him if he
wants his dog back,

he's got to accept our truce.

Or we wait until he gets a new dog

and then replace that dog with this dog

and then watch him go insane.

He's gonna lose his mind.

- Oh, it'd be so crazy.
- That's really good.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, we got 100 kids left to photograph

- and 15 minutes to do it. Let's go.
- Okay.

Listen up, kiddos.

Have your smiles prepped
before you go into the frame.

Think of something
that makes you happy...

like puppies for me, Nana's brisket,

that chubby little kid from "Up".

- Get in and get out.
- Great, next.

Uh, I was hoping to try
one without my glasses.

- Too late, next.
- Nope! Go, go, go.

- Uh, where should I look?
- Wrong way, next.

Come on, pretend you're on fire.

Don't milk it.

- Cheese, yo.
- Already took it.

- Next.
- Keep moving.

Don't stop to pose, walk sideways.

- Go, go, go.
- There you go.

- Perfect, nice!
- Pretend there's a fire!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, boom, getting it done.

Getting it done, getting it done.

Yeah!

Oh, God.

Okay.

- We got to take full advantage of this.
- Mm-hmm.

Maybe we can get a TV out of him.

Got to say... this has been a
really fun series of hangouts.

Yeah.

Yeah, I can't believe I was worried
that it would lead to something bad.

Yeah.

Hey, is there something
happening with Melvin?

No, why?

I mean, he died earlier,

but nothing's happened since then.

Oh, man.

We won.

We won so hard, we killed an old man.

I thought we might be a bad fit.

Then we hung out, egged each other on,

and caused an old man to die.

We are definitely a bad fit.

Excuse me?

Sorry, this might sound crazy,

but did Melvin die of a broken heart?

You know, 'cause he...
he missed his dog so much?

"A broken heart"? What?

No, no, the old man
choked on a chicken wing.

Always remember to chew
your food until it's a fine paste.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks for the tip.

Go ahead and move along there, pal.

Did you hear that?

- Yeah!
- He choked. We didn't kill him!

We didn't kill him! He choked!

Oh...

Sorry to interrupt your fun,

uh, but the Humane Society's
on its way to pick up that dog,

since Melvin didn't leave her to anyone.

So if you could just hand it over...

Actually, you know what?
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Call them off.

I know someone who'd be
thrilled to take her in.

Come on, girl.

Hey, Dale, got something for you, bud.

I really wish people would stop

saying that to me before they pooped.

But... what?

No, I-I'm talking about the dog, man.

Look, the dog.

I-I can tell she means a lot to you,

you know, based on
some unsettling belief

in the... in the supernatural

or just a deep misunderstanding
of science, you know.

But regardless, I know you'll give
her a better life than I could.

Moppy!

I'm so happy.

I'm gonna find a way
to turn you back, girl.

I am gonna find a way to turn you back.

Yes, yes!

It's open. Come in.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Vino.
- "Expendables 3".

Ooh!

Now, does it matter that I
haven't seen the first two?

You remember how the guns work?

- Yep.
- You'll be good.

Okay.

Oh, and this was sitting on your steps.

Oh.

It's from... it's from Melvin's estate.

"Jack Griffin, if you're
reading this, I've passed.

Here's the key your mother
gave me to water her plants.

I'd like to thank you for
the tête-à-tête we've had.

It's made me feel more alive".

"And you should know each
day when you went to work,

I let myself in and...

and put my bare butt
on your throw pillows".

Signed, Melvin Grask.

Well, what do you know?

We were able to add
meaning to the man's life.

- To Melvin.
- Yeah.

To Melvin.

Hmm.

Ahh.

I've taken a lot of
naps on those pillows.

Have you?

I'd like to throw them in the trash now.

- Can we burn them?
- Yeah.

Got a little more magic
left in you, Mr. Dumpster?

I wish for a son.

Thank you.

Come on, Moppy, let's go.

Yeah.