A.P. Bio (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 12 - Ride the Ram - full transcript
Hey, good morning, Lynette.
How's the cult going? Has it turned yet,
or are you guys still in
the peace and love phase?
- Nice one, Jack.
- Thank you.
But just so you know, you
are the one that's blowing it.
- How so?
- Spirit week.
- It's 70's day. We play Prairie tomorrow.
- _
Okay, so you're doing a
whole new look just because
of a stupid school rivalry. Why?
Basic idea is that it's fun.
Also, to be honest, I really
hope we beat them by a lot,
and hope their bus
crashes into the swamp.
Gosh, it must be exhausting
pretending to care about stuff.
Nope. Not exhausting at all.
Suck it Prairie!
Oh, suck it Prairie!
- Yeah!
- Oh, this guy.
Jack, happy Spirit Week. My
favorite week of the year...
oh, well, it would be
if we can just beat
the Prairie Rams once
- during my regime.
- Wait, wait, wait.
- They're the Rams too?
- Yeah.
That's why it's called the Ram Cup,
as I was telling you last night.
Right, right. Speaking of,
thanks for helping
move my old fridge out.
I really appreciate that. Yeah.
And your delts are thanking you as well.
- Really?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Uh-oh.
Well, you know, anytime
you need an old appliance
moved to the curb, you let me know,
or we could go to the gym and you know,
lift weights for real.
That could be cool,
- assuming no one there is mean.
- Right, right.
Hey, since you offered,
I do need some help
moving in my new fridge.
All I require is my usual payment
of 2.5 beers and a full sesh of B.S..
You got it, pal. Thank you.
Oh, and don't forget about
my birthday dinner tonight,
7:00 p.m. sharp at Mancy's.
Oh, yes, that's right. Yeah, tonight.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay. Yeah. Okay.
Hi, birthday boy.
Don't make a big deal out of it, okay?
I wouldn't go in there
if I were you.
Oh, my God.
Okay. Mm-hmm.
Guys, you did not have
to do this. I am very...
Blessed.
Oh God, no, please, Helen.
You were supposed to keep people out.
Oh God, don't look at me.
Don't look at my body!
He came in fifth in the
snow crab eating contest.
Turns out all the
snow crabs were rotten.
Helen, why did you tell
me not to come in here
in such a sing-song-y voice?
I don't know, maybe it's 'cause
you're my favorite person
in the whole wide world.
I wouldn't look in that garbage can
behind you if I were you.
Fine.
Someone's a little dense.
- Ugh!
- Oh!
♪ A.P. Bio 2x12 ♪
Ride the Ram
Shh.
Huh.
Today, guys, I need excuses I can use
to ditch a birthday party.
Just tell your mom there
will be drugs at the party.
Then your mom will call their mom
- and it'll get canceled.
- That was you?
You could say you are memorizing
portions of the Torah for a bar mitzvah.
Mm, mm-hmm.
Again, guys, this
would be me saying this,
an adult Gentile.
So, I actually use
this one all the time.
So you pour a glass
of water on your shoes
and then you tell people
that your sister's water broke
right before you got there,
and they'll be like,
"Well, why don't you
go be there with her at the hospital?"
And then you jet, baby.
Hmm, interesting. Uh, anyone else?
Mr. G, whose party is it?
So, Durbin helped move
my fridge the other day,
and he's leveraging that
into a forced appearance
at his birthday thing.
He helped you move your fridge?
- Mm-hmm.
- And furthermore,
he's inviting you to a party?
That's two good things:
moving the fridge as one
and an invitation to a party as two.
Two good things.
You have to go if he helped
you move your fridge.
Yeah, okay. All right,
I get it, I get it.
Thank you.
All right, well, I guess I gotta
at least make an appearance, you know?
Especially since I need his help moving
my new fridge in tomorrow.
Ah, let's see. Sarika, make a list
of reasons to leave
Durbin's stupid party early.
All right, everybody call
out those reasons again.
Uh, there's the drug one,
the Jewish one...
Just sit regular and it'll be fine.
And...
Well, we did our part to win
the Spirit Week blood drive.
You know, if we won,
it'd make Durbin so happy.
Plus, we got these free cookies.
It's so much fun to
spoil Durbs once a year.
I spent the last three
months working on a banner
for the basketball game.
I hope he likes it.
- Oh!
- Nice. Unrelated:
I found us three
Barbara Streisand tickets.
- Oh!
- Eh, eh.
I won't seat above mezzanine.
I plan on dancing big
and I don't need some Mom telling me
that I'm blocking the
view for her sick son.
Em, I think that was a one-time thing.
- Yeah?
- Oh, shoot, my phone is dying.
- Oh, plug it in!
- It's okay.
- Go.
- We have got to see this.
- Mm-hmm.
- I can't believe the Mom
from "Meet the Fockers"
is gonna try and sing.
Sorry, classroom TV.
What up?
Hi, I'm looking for the Durbin party.
- Mr. Griffin?
- Yeah.
So nice of you to show up.
That sweet man has been
waiting for over an hour.
Oh, no.
Please tell me I'm not this late
for a one-on-one birthday dinner.
Yep.
Agh.
- Hi.
- Jack, you're here.
Yeah, um, I made it.
Thank you. Yeah, I'm so sorry I'm late.
I, ah, I was um...
I had to study the Torah.
Oh, you are converting to Judaism?
I had no idea.
Yeah, no, I'm... I'm
just considering it.
You know, they want me pretty bad.
- Well...
- Yeah.
So is it really just you and me, man?
Yeah, every year, for my birthday,
I invite one friend
so we can really talk, and this year,
you are that friend.
Well, I am honored.
Can I get you started with anything?
Yeah, no, I can be
probably be ready soon.
Birthday boy, you want to go first?
No, Jack, you go ahead.
I'm having surgery tomorrow,
so I can't have any food after 8:00.
That's why I made the
reservation for 7:00.
Oh, my God. You're
having surgery tomorrow?
Super early. Reverse vasectomy.
Kind of a birthday present for myself.
Oh, gosh, everything you're saying
is making me very sad.
No, no, it should make you feel happy.
- Oh.
- I'm reclaiming my virility.
I'm gonna give you some more time.
No. no, no.
He is gonna have a ribeye and a martini.
Nothing for me, of course.
At least I can see and smell
and maybe touch my favorite meal.
Oh, well... Okay.
- Ah.
- So...
What's in the bag?
The b... Oh.
Uh, that's your birthday present.
What?
Yeah. Yeah, I had to.
Just from the bookstore
across the street.
Jack.
"A Bayesian Perspective on Queeny".
- Quine.
- Quine.
- Yeah. He was a philosopher.
- Oh!
I just learned two things.
I thought maybe you would love that.
No one has ever given
me anything like this.
- I cannot wait.
- Yeah...
- I'm gonna save the bag.
- Cool.
Ah, so... Yeah. Yeah.
I got the Streisand tickets!
Yes. Okay.
All right.
Oh no!
That's gonna be some hot blood.
- Ooh, that is cutting nice.
- It is. Ah, God.
Are you sure you don't want a bite?
Oh, I wish. It's too risky.
It's only a couple of
hours before they re-doodle
my noodle.
They're you gonna
tinker with your dinker.
They are gonna let loose my baby juice!
♪ Happy birthday to... ♪
I'm sorry, sorry, sorry.
I just... I can't believe I just
talked about my junk to the wait staff.
Here, let me make a wish.
Hang on, no, it's still happened.
Here, you know what?
You can thank my doodle
for this, 'cause I can't eat it.
I heard the hicks from Prairie
are gonna toilet paper Whitlock tonight.
Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!
We should kidnap their
peppiest cheerleader
and put her in a glass case.
You guys talking about Prairie?
I got mixed up with one
of those Prairie hicks.
It was the summer. 2017.
I met Chaz Gurd at 4-H.
He had a pond... rowboat,
frogs, the whole deal.
We skinny dipped in the moonlight
and held each other as the black night
bore down upon us.
Okay, we get it. All right.
Guys, you are not gonna believe this.
I had the best time
at Durbin's birthday thing last night.
Huh, what's this?
Principal Durbin came by
and returned your book.
He seemed pretty upset.
I think he might have been crying...
- and limping.
- Oh, no.
What did you do this time, Jack?
Well, Marissa, I...
I left a very incriminating bookmark
in the book I panicked-gifted to Durbin.
Ooh!
This is a bad sucky feeling.
It's just an all-around
crappy, sucky-ass situation,
and there's nothing that can be done.
- You could apologize.
- Nah.
No. No, I thought about that,
but it kind of doesn't
work in real life, you know.
You're right boss. It doesn't work.
I tried apologizing to Chaz Gurd
for breaking his heart,
but he keeps sending me
shirtless photos on his tractor.
Counterpoint. It worked when I wet
my younger brother's
bed from beneath it.
He forgave me.
You wet his bed from underneath?
How did... ?
I'm not gonna discuss it any further.
Yeah.
Ah, hey, Helen, is, um, Ralph in?
No, he's at the morgue!
He didn't make it through surgery.
Helen, let me handle this.
And could you get some more crotch ice
for my paper underpants, please?
Mr. Griffin, can I help you?
Ah, do you mind if we...?
Ralph, I am, um...
I'm so sorry. Man, really, I...
I wasn't trying to get out
of a one-on-one dinner with you.
I need you to know that.
I thought it was going to
be a whole big group thing...
- Ralph, it's not about that.
- Jack, Jack, it's okay.
Hey, I realized that this friendship
is... it's fool's gold.
Th-there's no gold in this river,
so I'm gonna pack up my pan and shovel,
and my sluice boxes
and my suction dredges,
and I'm gonna move on.
You're reading about gold panning?
Maybe.
But that's something
I would tell a friend,
not a coworker.
Have a good day, Mr. Griffin.
Okay.
Oh God!
Have a good day, Mr. Griffin.
I know. Ralph, I'm... she's...
All right, I'm going.
I'm gonna...
Ladies, do you see that?
Do you see that blood being thrown out?
I did that. I ruined that blood.
I unplugged the fridge
to charge my phone.
You ruined a full day
of blood donations?
Don't say it like I meant to do it.
It was a mistake.
We have to catch Whitlock up,
or we're gonna lose
to those Prairie hicks.
We need to find more donors stat.
I hear you need blood!
We are winning this blood drive,
and I will be God dang
if Jack is gonna ruin
Spirit Week and Ralph's birthday.
Drain me.
Are you sure? You've
already given twice.
Oh, honey, I'm a regular
tomato soup factory.
I gonna make myself go to sleep
and you tell them to
just keep on taking it.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Word on the street is Durbin hates you.
Oh, yeah, yeah, it's a little rough.
You know I lost my principal friend,
and just when he was about to hook me up
with JV volleyball tickets.
Bummer, man. Front row too.
You know, Jack, this
whole detached routine
is getting a little boring.
I know you care about Durbin.
Isn't it exhausting
pretending that you don't?
Not exhausting. Suck it, Prairie.
What? Where are you going?
Wait.
Thank you.
- Thanks.
- Enjoy the game.
And I can now announce
that Prairie has won the tug of war!
Oh my God, Mary!
That's the most beautiful
thing I've ever seen.
Ooh, I should get a
quick pic for Durbin.
He hasn't seen it yet. I
guess he's in the bathroom.
Oh!
Ah, I was trying to
find the dang camera app.
Why did I put it in a folder?
And now for the results of this year's
Spirit Week blood drive challenge.
The winner is... the Whitlock Rams!
Oh my God, Helen, you did it.
You gave so much blood
that you won the blood drive for us.
Oh, that's so great.
All right, next up, we've
got the mascot dunk contest.
First up, Helen DeMarcus
as the Whitlock Ram.
That's me.
I have a quick question.
Are we in a tunnel?
No, we're in a gym.
And you are not falling
down toward me from above?
- You sure you wanna do this?
- Oh, yeah, I'm good.
Okay.
For Durbin.
Okay, Helen, you've got this.
Stay focused.
All right, here we go.
No!
This is not good!
Holy...!
Font!
What do you think? Low two?
Two?
Ah, yo, a little help here?
Ask one of your friends, dummy.
See you. Wouldn't want to be you.
Five, four, three, two, one!
And Prairie beats Whitlock,
74 to 9.
That was in poor taste.
Damn, we got housed.
Well, it all comes down
to this, ladies and gents.
It's the principal showdown,
featuring Principal Durbin
from Whitlock High,
versus Dr. Stumpf, from Prairie High!
Remember, the principals don't know
what the mystery challenge is.
Will it be a battle of wits?
No! It's riding mechanical rams...
- Oh my God.
- From hell!
What the hell?
Whichever principal
stays on longer wins.
No.
Ralph, you cannot do this.
Your tubes are too tender.
Helen, I have to. I can tough it out
- for Whitlock.
- Hey, Ralph.
This does not concern you, Mr. Griffin.
Come on, Durbin, time
for you to lose again.
Tenth year in a row for you to lose,
you loser.
Ralph, you cannot do
this. He can't do this.
That means Whitlock forfeits
and loses the Ram Cup.
Hold on a second. Hold on.
What if, uh...?
What if I ride the bull
instead of Principal Durbin?
You know, for medical reasons.
That is some typical Whitlock.
Eh, let me see.
Jack, what are you doing?
I'm not gonna help you move
your new fridge in your house.
My new fridge is in,
don't worry about it.
I'm doing this for you, pal.
So, you can, you know,
let loose you baby juice, remember?
From the restaurant dinner?
I agree to let you ride if I can have
a designated rider as well.
- Yeah. That seems fair.
- Ah.
Hey, Chaz.
Alright from Prairie
High, third year senior
and semi-professional
bull rider, Chaz Gurd.
Yeah! Let's go!
- Is that?
- Yep.
And from Whitlock,
middle-aged A.P. Bio teacher
Jack Griffin!
- Middle-aged?
- That's what it says.
Come on, man. I'm, you know.
I crap bigger than you.
Come on, dude, that's
from "City Slickers".
Eh?
Oh.
And here we go!
Let's go! Get up!
Ride the ram! Ride the ram!
Ride the ram! Ride the ram!
Ride the ram! Ride the ram!
On your mark, get set... ride!
Don't worry. I got this.
Chaz.
- Oops.
- Heather?
Come to me.
And Chaz Gurd has been thrown!
Whitlock High are the 2019 Champions!
- Yes.
- Whoo-hoo!
Yeah, baby! I did it! I did it!
Aw, man.
- Hey, so, friends?
- Best friends.
That's a little much.
Come on, just razzing you, man,
- like friends do.
- All right.
- Go ice those balls.
- I will.
I'm not far behind. Oof.
Hey.
I see you found your
school spirit, Jack.
No, I've just grown to hate
these Prairie hicks so much
that I wanted to see
them lose, you know?
And feel deep humiliation.
That is exactly what school spirit is.
Here.
Geez.
Oh, come on, don't make
a big deal out of this.
Why not, huh?
How's the cult going? Has it turned yet,
or are you guys still in
the peace and love phase?
- Nice one, Jack.
- Thank you.
But just so you know, you
are the one that's blowing it.
- How so?
- Spirit week.
- It's 70's day. We play Prairie tomorrow.
- _
Okay, so you're doing a
whole new look just because
of a stupid school rivalry. Why?
Basic idea is that it's fun.
Also, to be honest, I really
hope we beat them by a lot,
and hope their bus
crashes into the swamp.
Gosh, it must be exhausting
pretending to care about stuff.
Nope. Not exhausting at all.
Suck it Prairie!
Oh, suck it Prairie!
- Yeah!
- Oh, this guy.
Jack, happy Spirit Week. My
favorite week of the year...
oh, well, it would be
if we can just beat
the Prairie Rams once
- during my regime.
- Wait, wait, wait.
- They're the Rams too?
- Yeah.
That's why it's called the Ram Cup,
as I was telling you last night.
Right, right. Speaking of,
thanks for helping
move my old fridge out.
I really appreciate that. Yeah.
And your delts are thanking you as well.
- Really?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Uh-oh.
Well, you know, anytime
you need an old appliance
moved to the curb, you let me know,
or we could go to the gym and you know,
lift weights for real.
That could be cool,
- assuming no one there is mean.
- Right, right.
Hey, since you offered,
I do need some help
moving in my new fridge.
All I require is my usual payment
of 2.5 beers and a full sesh of B.S..
You got it, pal. Thank you.
Oh, and don't forget about
my birthday dinner tonight,
7:00 p.m. sharp at Mancy's.
Oh, yes, that's right. Yeah, tonight.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay. Yeah. Okay.
Hi, birthday boy.
Don't make a big deal out of it, okay?
I wouldn't go in there
if I were you.
Oh, my God.
Okay. Mm-hmm.
Guys, you did not have
to do this. I am very...
Blessed.
Oh God, no, please, Helen.
You were supposed to keep people out.
Oh God, don't look at me.
Don't look at my body!
He came in fifth in the
snow crab eating contest.
Turns out all the
snow crabs were rotten.
Helen, why did you tell
me not to come in here
in such a sing-song-y voice?
I don't know, maybe it's 'cause
you're my favorite person
in the whole wide world.
I wouldn't look in that garbage can
behind you if I were you.
Fine.
Someone's a little dense.
- Ugh!
- Oh!
♪ A.P. Bio 2x12 ♪
Ride the Ram
Shh.
Huh.
Today, guys, I need excuses I can use
to ditch a birthday party.
Just tell your mom there
will be drugs at the party.
Then your mom will call their mom
- and it'll get canceled.
- That was you?
You could say you are memorizing
portions of the Torah for a bar mitzvah.
Mm, mm-hmm.
Again, guys, this
would be me saying this,
an adult Gentile.
So, I actually use
this one all the time.
So you pour a glass
of water on your shoes
and then you tell people
that your sister's water broke
right before you got there,
and they'll be like,
"Well, why don't you
go be there with her at the hospital?"
And then you jet, baby.
Hmm, interesting. Uh, anyone else?
Mr. G, whose party is it?
So, Durbin helped move
my fridge the other day,
and he's leveraging that
into a forced appearance
at his birthday thing.
He helped you move your fridge?
- Mm-hmm.
- And furthermore,
he's inviting you to a party?
That's two good things:
moving the fridge as one
and an invitation to a party as two.
Two good things.
You have to go if he helped
you move your fridge.
Yeah, okay. All right,
I get it, I get it.
Thank you.
All right, well, I guess I gotta
at least make an appearance, you know?
Especially since I need his help moving
my new fridge in tomorrow.
Ah, let's see. Sarika, make a list
of reasons to leave
Durbin's stupid party early.
All right, everybody call
out those reasons again.
Uh, there's the drug one,
the Jewish one...
Just sit regular and it'll be fine.
And...
Well, we did our part to win
the Spirit Week blood drive.
You know, if we won,
it'd make Durbin so happy.
Plus, we got these free cookies.
It's so much fun to
spoil Durbs once a year.
I spent the last three
months working on a banner
for the basketball game.
I hope he likes it.
- Oh!
- Nice. Unrelated:
I found us three
Barbara Streisand tickets.
- Oh!
- Eh, eh.
I won't seat above mezzanine.
I plan on dancing big
and I don't need some Mom telling me
that I'm blocking the
view for her sick son.
Em, I think that was a one-time thing.
- Yeah?
- Oh, shoot, my phone is dying.
- Oh, plug it in!
- It's okay.
- Go.
- We have got to see this.
- Mm-hmm.
- I can't believe the Mom
from "Meet the Fockers"
is gonna try and sing.
Sorry, classroom TV.
What up?
Hi, I'm looking for the Durbin party.
- Mr. Griffin?
- Yeah.
So nice of you to show up.
That sweet man has been
waiting for over an hour.
Oh, no.
Please tell me I'm not this late
for a one-on-one birthday dinner.
Yep.
Agh.
- Hi.
- Jack, you're here.
Yeah, um, I made it.
Thank you. Yeah, I'm so sorry I'm late.
I, ah, I was um...
I had to study the Torah.
Oh, you are converting to Judaism?
I had no idea.
Yeah, no, I'm... I'm
just considering it.
You know, they want me pretty bad.
- Well...
- Yeah.
So is it really just you and me, man?
Yeah, every year, for my birthday,
I invite one friend
so we can really talk, and this year,
you are that friend.
Well, I am honored.
Can I get you started with anything?
Yeah, no, I can be
probably be ready soon.
Birthday boy, you want to go first?
No, Jack, you go ahead.
I'm having surgery tomorrow,
so I can't have any food after 8:00.
That's why I made the
reservation for 7:00.
Oh, my God. You're
having surgery tomorrow?
Super early. Reverse vasectomy.
Kind of a birthday present for myself.
Oh, gosh, everything you're saying
is making me very sad.
No, no, it should make you feel happy.
- Oh.
- I'm reclaiming my virility.
I'm gonna give you some more time.
No. no, no.
He is gonna have a ribeye and a martini.
Nothing for me, of course.
At least I can see and smell
and maybe touch my favorite meal.
Oh, well... Okay.
- Ah.
- So...
What's in the bag?
The b... Oh.
Uh, that's your birthday present.
What?
Yeah. Yeah, I had to.
Just from the bookstore
across the street.
Jack.
"A Bayesian Perspective on Queeny".
- Quine.
- Quine.
- Yeah. He was a philosopher.
- Oh!
I just learned two things.
I thought maybe you would love that.
No one has ever given
me anything like this.
- I cannot wait.
- Yeah...
- I'm gonna save the bag.
- Cool.
Ah, so... Yeah. Yeah.
I got the Streisand tickets!
Yes. Okay.
All right.
Oh no!
That's gonna be some hot blood.
- Ooh, that is cutting nice.
- It is. Ah, God.
Are you sure you don't want a bite?
Oh, I wish. It's too risky.
It's only a couple of
hours before they re-doodle
my noodle.
They're you gonna
tinker with your dinker.
They are gonna let loose my baby juice!
♪ Happy birthday to... ♪
I'm sorry, sorry, sorry.
I just... I can't believe I just
talked about my junk to the wait staff.
Here, let me make a wish.
Hang on, no, it's still happened.
Here, you know what?
You can thank my doodle
for this, 'cause I can't eat it.
I heard the hicks from Prairie
are gonna toilet paper Whitlock tonight.
Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!
We should kidnap their
peppiest cheerleader
and put her in a glass case.
You guys talking about Prairie?
I got mixed up with one
of those Prairie hicks.
It was the summer. 2017.
I met Chaz Gurd at 4-H.
He had a pond... rowboat,
frogs, the whole deal.
We skinny dipped in the moonlight
and held each other as the black night
bore down upon us.
Okay, we get it. All right.
Guys, you are not gonna believe this.
I had the best time
at Durbin's birthday thing last night.
Huh, what's this?
Principal Durbin came by
and returned your book.
He seemed pretty upset.
I think he might have been crying...
- and limping.
- Oh, no.
What did you do this time, Jack?
Well, Marissa, I...
I left a very incriminating bookmark
in the book I panicked-gifted to Durbin.
Ooh!
This is a bad sucky feeling.
It's just an all-around
crappy, sucky-ass situation,
and there's nothing that can be done.
- You could apologize.
- Nah.
No. No, I thought about that,
but it kind of doesn't
work in real life, you know.
You're right boss. It doesn't work.
I tried apologizing to Chaz Gurd
for breaking his heart,
but he keeps sending me
shirtless photos on his tractor.
Counterpoint. It worked when I wet
my younger brother's
bed from beneath it.
He forgave me.
You wet his bed from underneath?
How did... ?
I'm not gonna discuss it any further.
Yeah.
Ah, hey, Helen, is, um, Ralph in?
No, he's at the morgue!
He didn't make it through surgery.
Helen, let me handle this.
And could you get some more crotch ice
for my paper underpants, please?
Mr. Griffin, can I help you?
Ah, do you mind if we...?
Ralph, I am, um...
I'm so sorry. Man, really, I...
I wasn't trying to get out
of a one-on-one dinner with you.
I need you to know that.
I thought it was going to
be a whole big group thing...
- Ralph, it's not about that.
- Jack, Jack, it's okay.
Hey, I realized that this friendship
is... it's fool's gold.
Th-there's no gold in this river,
so I'm gonna pack up my pan and shovel,
and my sluice boxes
and my suction dredges,
and I'm gonna move on.
You're reading about gold panning?
Maybe.
But that's something
I would tell a friend,
not a coworker.
Have a good day, Mr. Griffin.
Okay.
Oh God!
Have a good day, Mr. Griffin.
I know. Ralph, I'm... she's...
All right, I'm going.
I'm gonna...
Ladies, do you see that?
Do you see that blood being thrown out?
I did that. I ruined that blood.
I unplugged the fridge
to charge my phone.
You ruined a full day
of blood donations?
Don't say it like I meant to do it.
It was a mistake.
We have to catch Whitlock up,
or we're gonna lose
to those Prairie hicks.
We need to find more donors stat.
I hear you need blood!
We are winning this blood drive,
and I will be God dang
if Jack is gonna ruin
Spirit Week and Ralph's birthday.
Drain me.
Are you sure? You've
already given twice.
Oh, honey, I'm a regular
tomato soup factory.
I gonna make myself go to sleep
and you tell them to
just keep on taking it.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Word on the street is Durbin hates you.
Oh, yeah, yeah, it's a little rough.
You know I lost my principal friend,
and just when he was about to hook me up
with JV volleyball tickets.
Bummer, man. Front row too.
You know, Jack, this
whole detached routine
is getting a little boring.
I know you care about Durbin.
Isn't it exhausting
pretending that you don't?
Not exhausting. Suck it, Prairie.
What? Where are you going?
Wait.
Thank you.
- Thanks.
- Enjoy the game.
And I can now announce
that Prairie has won the tug of war!
Oh my God, Mary!
That's the most beautiful
thing I've ever seen.
Ooh, I should get a
quick pic for Durbin.
He hasn't seen it yet. I
guess he's in the bathroom.
Oh!
Ah, I was trying to
find the dang camera app.
Why did I put it in a folder?
And now for the results of this year's
Spirit Week blood drive challenge.
The winner is... the Whitlock Rams!
Oh my God, Helen, you did it.
You gave so much blood
that you won the blood drive for us.
Oh, that's so great.
All right, next up, we've
got the mascot dunk contest.
First up, Helen DeMarcus
as the Whitlock Ram.
That's me.
I have a quick question.
Are we in a tunnel?
No, we're in a gym.
And you are not falling
down toward me from above?
- You sure you wanna do this?
- Oh, yeah, I'm good.
Okay.
For Durbin.
Okay, Helen, you've got this.
Stay focused.
All right, here we go.
No!
This is not good!
Holy...!
Font!
What do you think? Low two?
Two?
Ah, yo, a little help here?
Ask one of your friends, dummy.
See you. Wouldn't want to be you.
Five, four, three, two, one!
And Prairie beats Whitlock,
74 to 9.
That was in poor taste.
Damn, we got housed.
Well, it all comes down
to this, ladies and gents.
It's the principal showdown,
featuring Principal Durbin
from Whitlock High,
versus Dr. Stumpf, from Prairie High!
Remember, the principals don't know
what the mystery challenge is.
Will it be a battle of wits?
No! It's riding mechanical rams...
- Oh my God.
- From hell!
What the hell?
Whichever principal
stays on longer wins.
No.
Ralph, you cannot do this.
Your tubes are too tender.
Helen, I have to. I can tough it out
- for Whitlock.
- Hey, Ralph.
This does not concern you, Mr. Griffin.
Come on, Durbin, time
for you to lose again.
Tenth year in a row for you to lose,
you loser.
Ralph, you cannot do
this. He can't do this.
That means Whitlock forfeits
and loses the Ram Cup.
Hold on a second. Hold on.
What if, uh...?
What if I ride the bull
instead of Principal Durbin?
You know, for medical reasons.
That is some typical Whitlock.
Eh, let me see.
Jack, what are you doing?
I'm not gonna help you move
your new fridge in your house.
My new fridge is in,
don't worry about it.
I'm doing this for you, pal.
So, you can, you know,
let loose you baby juice, remember?
From the restaurant dinner?
I agree to let you ride if I can have
a designated rider as well.
- Yeah. That seems fair.
- Ah.
Hey, Chaz.
Alright from Prairie
High, third year senior
and semi-professional
bull rider, Chaz Gurd.
Yeah! Let's go!
- Is that?
- Yep.
And from Whitlock,
middle-aged A.P. Bio teacher
Jack Griffin!
- Middle-aged?
- That's what it says.
Come on, man. I'm, you know.
I crap bigger than you.
Come on, dude, that's
from "City Slickers".
Eh?
Oh.
And here we go!
Let's go! Get up!
Ride the ram! Ride the ram!
Ride the ram! Ride the ram!
Ride the ram! Ride the ram!
On your mark, get set... ride!
Don't worry. I got this.
Chaz.
- Oops.
- Heather?
Come to me.
And Chaz Gurd has been thrown!
Whitlock High are the 2019 Champions!
- Yes.
- Whoo-hoo!
Yeah, baby! I did it! I did it!
Aw, man.
- Hey, so, friends?
- Best friends.
That's a little much.
Come on, just razzing you, man,
- like friends do.
- All right.
- Go ice those balls.
- I will.
I'm not far behind. Oof.
Hey.
I see you found your
school spirit, Jack.
No, I've just grown to hate
these Prairie hicks so much
that I wanted to see
them lose, you know?
And feel deep humiliation.
That is exactly what school spirit is.
Here.
Geez.
Oh, come on, don't make
a big deal out of this.
Why not, huh?