A.N.T. Farm (2011–2014): Season 1, Episode 23 - PatANT Pending - full transcript

Ugh, this backpack is so heavy.

My back is killing me!

Okay, I think my back
is stuck this way.

What do you have in
there, a ton of bricks?

Yes.

A Ton of Bricks by
Kathleen Lombard.

Hey...

You know what would be awesome?

Calculus camp?

No.

If books had feet and legs.



Then they could walk to school
with you and carry your backpack.

Or how about a backpack that massages
your back while you're wearing it?

Well, your idea doesn't require
breeding a race of walking books

that could one day rise up and use
the knowledge contained within them

to rise against us.

Think about it.

Not that crazy thing you just said.
My idea.

We could make a billion dollars
with a massaging backpack!

With a billion dollars, we could buy a
billion things from the Dollar Store!

Or one billion, ten million, one hundred
and one thousand and ten things

from the 99 Cent Store.

You cannot tell a
soul about this.

We don't want anyone else
horning in on our idea.

What about Chyna? We should
at least include her.



No way.

Every business book
I've ever read

says you should never do
business with friends.

But you're going in
on this with me.

Exactly.

♪ Ooh, ooh Doo, doo

♪ Ooh, ooh Doo, doo

Whoo!

♪ Everybody's got that thing

♪ Something different
we all bring

♪ Don't you let 'em
clip your wings

♪ You got it You got it

♪ We're on fire and we blaze

♪ In extraordinary ways

♪ You can dream it

♪ You can be it

♪ If you can feel it

♪ You can believe it

♪ 'Cause I am, you are, we are

♪ Exceptional Exceptional

♪ Yeah, I am, you are, we are

♪ Exceptional Exceptional

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

Whoo!

Hey, everyone, I
got a new outfit.

Don't miss this photo op!

Gibson, why is no
one looking at me?

Huh! Maybe you're dead.

I see dead people!

I'm not dead.

I see living people, too!

Wait a second!

Is that Paisley around?
E's gathering.

She broke her arm last night.

That is just like Paisley

to break a limb away from me.
Ntion.

Okay, I designed
massaging backpack. ur

I give you...

The Fletch Pack!

Or Olive Pack. Olive
Pack is good.

Let me try it on.

Ooh!

Ah!

It has Swedish mode,
Shiatsu mode, and...

Apple pie a la mode.

Nice!

Hey, what's this do?

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Slap mode!

It also has a vibrating massage

for an all-over
relaxation experience!

Ooh!

Ah!

I like this one.

It feels good!

Hey, Lexi, can you move? I
want to sign Paisley's cast.

Excuse me.

Chyna's coming! Quick,
hide the backpack!

I can't get it off!

Angus' hoodie!

Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, guys.

What are you up to?

Nothing.

Just hanging out
with my bud, Olive.

Ooh!

Hi, Chyna.

Olive, are you okay?

Yeah. I'm just a little chilly.

Yeah, why do you think she's
wearing this oversized hoodie?

I mean, it's not like she's
trying to hide something.

You guys have been acting
strange since yesterday.

Whispering to each
other, giggling,

acting all weird when
I enter the room.

Wait a second.

I know why you've
been acting strange.

You do? You do?

You two

are secretly dating!

Um...

You caught us!

I find this immature, little
weirdo totally irresistible.

And Olive's endless babbling
about nothing is so adorable.

Interesting factoid. I love her.

Oh, you guys!

Hey, Paisley.

Oh!

I'm sure you're bummed
about your broken arm.

Hey! You know what
always cheers me up?

Butter skating!

I brought you a pair!

But you're gonna have to
find your own hair helmet.

Hello, students.

I would wave to you, but I can't
because I have two broken arms.

Don't cry for me,
Marge and Tina.

But you can sign my casts!

Did I mention I
have two of them,

which is twice as
many as Paisley has?

Lexi, how did you
break your arms?

It doesn't matter how.

The important thing is how many.

Two.

Can I sign your cast?

I love what you wrote on mine.

"Hope infection sets in.
Love, Lexi."

Oh, that's just like you.

Full of hope!

Hey. Be careful walking
down here, Lexi.

We wouldn't want you
to get more hurt.

For some reason the
floor's all buttery.

I'll help you with my
one good arm, Lexi.

Paisley, are you okay?

I think I broke my other
arm and one of my legs.

You've got to be kidding me!

That's sweet of you to
wish it was a joke,

but I'm afraid
it's true, friend.

It's my fault!

I forgot to put out the
"Caution, Caution Sign" sign.

What!

Lunch just started! How could
the fudge pops already be gone?

I used them to design our
new company's building.

I give you.

Fletch Tower!

Or Olive Tower.
Olive Tower's good.

There are my two
favorite sweethearts!

Actually, the heart
is not sweet,

but rather quite bitter due to
the presence of oxidized blood.

She's all mine.

Oh, you guys are
so cute together!

Let me get a picture
of you guys.

Sure. I guess.

Okay.

Oh, come on!

How about a smooch?

I can't do it!

I'd rather lose half a billion
dollars than kiss Fletcher.

What? What's going on?

And half a billion dollars?

Okay. This is not another scheme
to take down Vegas, is it?

Because they know
your faces now.

The truth is we came
up with an idea

to invent a massaging backpack

after watching you
struggle with yours.

Well, why would you
guys lie to me?

Because I knew you'd
want to be part of it

and business can really
hurt a friendship.

Let me illustrate.

Let's say my hand
represents business.

And Fletcher
represents friendship.

Ow!

See?

Let me use another example.

Let's say this fork
represents business.

She gets it! She gets it!

Okay. I would never let
anything hurt our friendship.

I really want to
work with you guys.

It'll be so fun.

Well, if you think
you can handle it,

welcome aboard.

Yes! Yes!

And just to be clear,

that thing about Olive and me
dating was entirely made up.

I'm totally available.

Well, you guys fooled me.

I was completely convinced
you were a couple.

Ew!

You didn't go spreading
that around, did you?

Uh...

No.

No, I did not.

Quimby, I challenge you

to a duel!

Fletcher, Olive is mine.
All mine!

All right, first
item on the agenda.

I am pleased to announce that we have
chosen our employee of the month.

Hey, guys! Look what I have!

Balloons?

We're throwing a party to celebrate
me getting employee of the month?

No. This is our invention.

Uh, we already
have an invention.

The massaging backpack.

Yeah, but why treat the
symptoms of a heavy backpack

when we can remove
the problem entirely

by making the
backpack weightless?

That's a great idea!

The helium in the balloons counteract
the weight of the backpack.

How did you get employee of the
month and not this young go-getter?

Look, Chyna, my massaging
backpack idea is already perfect.

Balloons are totally
impractical.

Look how easy they pop.

Wow.

Someone should invent
a fork sharpener.

You know what? Let's vote.

Who would rather do
Chyna's terrible idea

than my great idea?

I vote for my idea.

Me, too.

Fletcher?

Sorry, Olive. Chyna's
idea is better.

Besides, you know I love anything
that comes with balloons.

Except clowns.

I hate clowns.

When I see a clown with balloons,
I feel very conflicted.

Sorry, Olive, but
it's two against one.

Well, we'll see about that.

Hey, Angus, I have a
proposal for you.

The answer is yes!

A thousand times, yes!

I didn't mean a
marriage proposal.

I meant a business proposal.

Duh. I knew that.

Do not release the doves.

Thanks so much for carrying
my books for me, Paisley.

I'm just so exhausted from having two
broken arms and two broken legs.

No problem, Lexi.

So, you were hit by a plane?

How did that happen?

I was doing some
fashion modeling.

They really shouldn't
call them both runways.

Hey, guys! I was
down in the basement

like I am every Wednesday,
feeding the rats,

and I found this cool armoire.

It's perfect to keep
my rat food in!

Oh! But boy, is this
thing hard to move!

Even with the dolly.

What dolly? I don't see a dolly.

It's right under here.

Paisley, are you okay?

I'm all right.

I just think I broke everything.

You're so selfish!

I've had it!

Sorry!

This is my fault.

I forgot to put out my "Caution,
Falling Armoires" sign.

Olive, you just invited Angus in
so he would vote for your ideas.

He agrees with
everything you say.

That's not true.
That's not true.

Anyway, I have a new
design for the weightless

backpack I'd like
to show everyone.

Not so fast.

I have my own prototype.

Let's see them both and vote.

Fine.

Then, without further ado,

because I think we'll agree
we've all had enough ado,

I present

the Inflate-A-Pack!

Okay.

Impressive.

But you know, as much as
your design appeals to me,

something's telling me
not to vote for it.

Do not vote for it.

Okay, my design.

Now, I'm sure you're
probably all aware

that bats can carry up to three
times their body weight.

So, I present to you.

The Bat Sack!

Is there a bat in that bag?

Of course not! There are two
dozen bats in this bag.

Olive, that's a crazy idea!

People are going to carry
around a bag of bats?

What are the bats
even going to eat?

My neck!

Get it off! Get it off!

Well, now would be a
good time to vote.

Now that we've chosen
the backpack design

that does not drain a human
of precious blood...

So cold.

I think we should
do an infomercial.

How are we supposed to
pay for an infomercial?

Oh, this backpack is so heavy!

When I won America Needs Talent,

why did I ask for the
$100,000 in nickels?

Gibson, how would you like
to invest in a product

that's guaranteed to
make a billion dollars?

More money? No! Money is the worst.
It's so heavy!

Okay. Well, then,

how would you like to
pay for our infomercial

and get nothing back in return?

That sounds awesome!

But I want to star
in the infomercial.

It's been a dream of mine ever since you
said the word infomercial five seconds ago.

Totally. No problem.

Okay. Not so fast.

I don't agree.

Oh, why don't you agree?

Why don't you agree?
Oh, I do agree.

No, you don't.

This is about us
rejecting your Bat Sack.

No, it's not.

You seem upset.

I'm not upset. You're upset.

Okay. I am upset.
No, you're not.

Okay, I kind of feel
like whatever I say,

you're just saying the
opposite to disagree with me.

No, I'm not.

Up... Happy... Down... Sad...

Not. Not not.

You know what? Forget this.

No, I'm going to remember this.

What? I have an eidetic memory.
I'm going to remember this.

CHYN Are you sick and tired
of old-fashioned backpacks

that are impossible
to figure out?

With their dangerous zippers!

To say nothing of their
back-breaking weight!

Well, say goodbye to all that

with the new from AntCo! Ack

With our patented air
pillow technology,

a weight will be lifted
off your shoulders.

Literally!

Thanks, Inflate-A-Pack!

Sorry, I can't clap.

All my clapping
parts are broken.

You're lucky.

I'm just a disembodied head.

Well, you'll forget
all your problems

when you put on the
Inflate-A-Pack!

Of course, it does
require having a back.

And shoulders.

Excuse me!

I use backpacks all the time

when I'm guiding city folk
through the wilderness.

Where do I get one?

Right here, kind mountain man!

And if you order right now,

we'll give you a second
Inflate-A-Pack absolutely free!

I'm a skeptical scientist.

How do I know this isn't
some sort of camera trick?

Well, I'm glad you asked that,
world-renowned scientist.

How would you like to see an
impressive live demonstration?

You know what's impressive?

The medical miracle that is
a girl who is only a head.

Imagine that I'm
pointing at myself.

As you can see, the
Inflate-A-Pack...

Is new and improved!

What are you doing?

I made a few modifications
to your design.

Unlike the Inflate-A-Pack,

the Copter-Pack isn't powered
by dangerous, volatile gasses.

We use safe, renewable
propeller power

to make carrying this 500
pound pack a breeze!

Try it on for size!

Ah!

Ew!

It's in my mouth! Gross!

Lexi, you're not just a head?

I was wondering how you
got your makeup on.

Yes, that's what
I was wondering.

This thing is amazing.

Does someone else want to try?

Whoa!

Careful, Gibson! The propeller's
going to hit the ceiling!

My legs! I think they're broken!

Nice try, Lexi. You're faking.

What are you talking about?

You're just crying wolf.

No, I'm not!

Wolf! Wolf! Help me!

Who knew the bag full of
bats was your good idea?

Order now and receive a
free fork sharpener.

Chyna, I can't tell
you how sorry I am.

I let my ego get in the
way of everything.

The truth is

no idea is more important
than our friendship.

And I hope you can find
it somewhere deeper in

your heart to forgive my
unacceptable behavior.

Oh, Olive. That was beautiful.
Of course I forgive you.

Tired of the awkward apologies

you'd rather not make but
society says you must?

Let the latest and advanced
robotic technology

do it for you with
the Apologiz-o-Tron.

Wow. This product is going to
make us a billion dollars.

So when you apologize in the
hallway it wasn't sincere?

It was just a
pre-programmed machine?

I can't believe you, Olive.

I'm so sorry, Chyna.
Please forgive me.

- OK.
- The Apologiz-o-Tron. Order now!