ALF (1986–1990): Season 1, Episode 15 - I've Got a New Attitude - full transcript

Willie catches ALF from eating a box of chocolate that was to be a Valentine's Day present for Kate. This incites Willie to give ALF a lecture on how ALF does not respect private property and needs to adopt a new attitude. Also, Kate's mom is moving out of the Tanners' house. The problem is that her new neighbor, Whizzer, wants to come help Dorothy move her stuff. Which means ALF has to hide from him. Kate likes Whizzer and suggests that they invite him over for a dinner. Dorothy doesn't want that. ALF interjects by claiming to have spoken to Dorothy's dead husband Sparky's spirit, who wants Dorothy to move on. Apparently, all Melmacians have the ability to speak to the dead. Dorothy wants ALF to prove his ability and let her speak to Sparky through ALF...

- Watch out for that table.
- Uh-huh. I see it.

I don't know how your mother's
gonna get all this stuff...

in that little, little apartment.

Well, you've never seen the inside
of her handbag.


Yes. But no heavier than other boxes
you've watched us carry.

- Would you mind licking this stamp?
- Can't you lick that yourself?

Not with chocolate on my tongue.

- Where did you get the chocolate?
- It's the funniest thing.

I found a whole box
in the back of your closet.

I was going to give that to Kate
for Valentine's Day.

Oh, Willie, that's sweet.

He ate the whole box.

I'm sorry.

You have no respect
for personal property.

You'll walk in any time,
you'll take my candy...

I said I was sorry.
Whining's not gonna bring it back.

Willie, it's... It's all right.

Maybe he forgot the...
He did. He forgot the second layer.

Right. I only licked those.

Great. Now nobody can eat them.

Bri, give that to me. I'll put it over here
with the rest of Grandma's things.

Kate, am I mistaken,
or is that a cat stretcher?

It's an oar.

Or what?

Mom, why does Grandma
keep an old oar?

Oh, well,
when Grandpa was courting Grandma...

he took her canoeing
down the Missouri River.

Then why would they need
a cat stretcher?

ALF, why are you sending a ham
to Sally Field?

It's my valentine to her.

I don't think we should send
any more meats to celebrities.

Anyone could send shrimp.

Am I wearing a sign that says,
"Kick me"?

No, but that could be arranged.
Willie, get the staple gun. Ha!

I am in no mood for you.

What a coincidence.

- What's the matter, Mom?
- I'm just furious.

They haven't finished painting
my apartment yet.

I can't move in until tomorrow,
so I'll have to stay here for tonight.

What's the good news?

Send that thing to its room.

You're off my ham list, lady.

Okay, you can come in now.
They put the chicken in the yard.

Mom, what are you doing?

This guy, my new neighbor,
he insisted on coming along with me...

to help me move things.

Well, Mom, he's not gonna believe
that we have a chicken.

Well, fine, tell him the truth.
We have an alien.

Get in that henhouse. Shoo! Shoo!

High fescue.

I'm Willie Tanner.
Nice to meet you, High.

Oh, no, that's what your grass is.
High fescue.

Oh. Oh, yeah, that's the name
of the grass we planted last year.

- I thought your name was High Fescue.
- Oh. Ha-ha.

No, no, no, that would be silly.
My name is Whizzer Deaver.

It really is.

Oh, this is my daughter, Kate.

- Hi, Kate.
- How do you do?

- And her son, Brian.
- Say, hi, Bri.

- Hi, Whizzer.
- Hi.

I hope you don't mind
I'm helping your mother get settled.

- No, no, not at all.
- And do you mind if I move in with her?

- Ha-ha-ha.
- I mind.

How about if I get some of these boxes
and get out of here?

- Listen, nice meeting all of you.
- See you.

I hope to see you at the wedding.

Oh, Mom, he is really darling.

What a nice guy, Dorothy.
Where did you ever find him?

- Under my sink.
- Dorothy.

He was fixing my garbage disposal.
I haven't been able to shake him since.

Does Bob Hope still have teeth?

ALF, forget it.

You're right.
A man his age shouldn't be eating pork.

And the bartender said,
"I was talking to the duck."

Oh, gee, Whizzer,
you got a great sense of humor.

Most people don't get that joke.
Dorothy didn't.

I got it.
I just didn't think it was funny.

I know,
and I wanted to make it up to you.

I hope you won't think
me presumptuous.

Well, if that means pushy,
then yes, I do.

Well, in that case, these are for you.

Oh, how lovely.

- Not that I wouldn't have taken them...
- Then I'll give them to you.

Why don't we divide them up?

Oh, I'll put them in water.

What's left to be moved?

What? Oh, my suitcase here,
and just those things over there.

Ah. Whose clarinet?

I used to fool around
with one of these things.

Well, just don't fool around
with this one, okay?

This belonged to my husband.

Hey, I can dig it. A man's ax is sacred.

- Whizzer Deaver and the Whizztones.
- Right.

Ah. You used to play in that club
on Juniper Street.

- What was the name of that?
- Club Juniper.

This is one of the greatest clarinetists
who ever lived.

Well, I was no Steve Allen.

Gee, I wish I could hear you play
sometime, Whizzer.

Hey, I'll dig out my clarinet.

I'll bring Dorothy over some night
and we'll have a little jam session.

- What night?
- Tonight.

I'm busy.

- Doing what, Mom?
- Well, we have to divide the flowers...

And then we're gonna
butcher the chicken.

We have got to go
to a hockey game sometime.

I'll look into season tickets.

Seriously, I caught the game on the tube
last night. Fantastic.

Skating, shooting the puck,
hitting each other with sticks.

It's just like Klaneball.

Except in Klaneball,
there's no skating or puck.

A pickle.

- You?
- No, thank you.

- I meant, did you do this?
- Yeah.

Your ham came back.
Insufficient postage.

How much does it cost
to mail a ham in this state?

Well, ALF, you sent it fourth class.

So? On Melmac, we had first class,
second class, fish and ham.

I think we lost fish and ham
when the postage rates went up.

Oh, Mom, Whizzer called.

All right, Whizzerman.

- Hello, to most of you.
- I wouldn't take that, Willie.

Mom, what if I had you and Whizzer
over for dinner?

Very casual. Just potluck.

Honey, Mr. Deaver is a nice guy.

But I am not, repeat not, interested
in a relationship.

Dorothy, I'd like to say something
about this...

and I don't mean to be too critical.

But you're saving yourself
for a corpse.

- ALF!
- Well, she is.

And I'm not the only one
who thinks so.

- What do you mean?
- I talked to Sparky.

You talked to my husband?

I guess I never mentioned my ability
to contact the dead.

I think we would have
remembered that.

Everyone on Melmac could do it.

Sometimes we'd just sit around
after dinner...

and if there was nothing good on TV,
we'd chat with the dead.

You never talked to Sparky.

You don't believe me?
Then, I'll prove it.

Sparky's favorite food
was French toast with gravy, right?

- Did you tell him that?
- No.

And you didn't tell me
that Sparky called her Dodo, either.


- Dodo?
- Yup.

He always said,
"I hope my Dodo finds somebody else."

Oh, yeah, he also thought
the funeral was very tasteful.

ALF, this really isn't very funny.

Just wait a minute.
I wanna know how ALF knows all this.

I told you. I talked to him.

- All right. All right, then prove it.
- Oh, Mom.


- Let me talk to him.
- When?

Now. Tonight.

Well, it's been a while.
I mean, I can't guarantee anything.

The smog here is so thick.

- Then you wouldn't be able to, right?
- Excuses, excuses.

All right. We'll chat with the dead.

Except that there's something good
on TV tonight.


- This is all right to wear to a seance?
- Oh, it looks fine.

Maybe you should tuck your blouse in.

What difference does it make
what you wear?

That's true.

I guess it does make a difference.

Dorothy, they may be dead
but they're not blind.

- That is my scarf.
- And my earring.

There are no possessions
in the realm of the dead.

Come on, come on,
let's get this over with.

Keep your shirt on.

You haven't talked to the guy
in 10 years.

Two more minutes won't kill you.

Oh, I went to three stores, ALF.
Everybody was out of black candles.

What is this, National Seance Day?
All right, these will have to do.

- Isn't that our goldfish bowl?
- Yeah.

- Where is our goldfish?
- He's fine.

Oh, by the way,
nobody flush the toilet.

Our goldfish bowl is on the table,
and our goldfish is in the toilet.

you know what you're doing.

Thank you. All right, folks, sit down.

Oh. Where is Brian?


Small price to pay
for contacting the dead.

Let's move on.

- Someone wanna hit those lights?
- Yeah.

I'll be the only one asking questions.

- Why you?
- What did I just say?

Now, if you'll all join hands
and close your eyes.

- All the way, Willie.
- I'm sorry.

I'm going into a trance now.


You don't have to make rude noises.

That's all right, I don't mind.

Come on, come on, get on with this.
I'm nervous enough already.

We're moving on.



I'm trying to reach Sparky.

- What was your last name again?
- Halligan.


Sparky, come in. It's me, Gordon.

Gordon Shumway.

Gordon? Is that you?

I don't believe this.

Sparky. Yo, what's the good word?

Can't complain.
Death's been good to me.

Oh, my God. That sounds just like him.

It sounds like Teddy Ruxpin.

That's what Dad sounded like.

Sparky, I'm sitting right here
next to the widow Halligan.

My little Dodo?

Sparky? Sparky, is this really you?

Quiet. Can we let the deceased
get a word in edgewise?

Sparky, talk to Dorothy.

Give us a sign.

He left the seven.

That's Sparky, then.
He always left the seven.

Oh, sweetheart, it's you, it's you.

He's up there.

It's you, it's you.

Mom, let's not be too hasty.

I believe your father was talking.

We only have a few seconds left,

Tell Dodo what you told me
the other day.

Dodo, if you should meet
a man you like, well, go for it.

Oh, Sparky, I don't know what to say.

As I was saying...

- What does that mean?
- It means the seance is over.

Hit the lights,
break out the refreshments.

And no questions, please.
I'm still in a trance.

You're going to be in a coma
if this is what I think it is.

- This is my new tape recorder.
- Tape recorder?

- Wait, I can explain.
- So can I. You're a fraud.

All right, ALF, out with it.
And we want the truth.

The truth is,
not all of what you just saw is real.

Oh. Well, this wire is real.

This is a real fine hole
in our dining room table.

Where was I supposed
to put the flashlight?

By the way, did that work for you?

Brian, you had better leave the room.
There is going to be some swearing now.

I wanna hear the swearing.

- We're not going to swear...
- I am!

Count me in.

Come on, Brian,
I think we'd better go.

- I'm going with you.
- Stay where you are.

Just a minute, you little creep.
I would like to know something.

Where did you get all this information
about my life?

- Promise you won't hit me?
- Yes.

Easy. I went through your things.


I thought it would make you feel better
about going out with the Whizzer.

Whizzer? Whizzer.

Look, I have had it up to here
with Whizzer.

Just let me tell you something, buster.

I don't need any help from you
or anybody else...

on how to live my life, okay?

Now, when one of you has time...

one of you can give me a ride
to my apartment.

No, Mom, wait, wait, wait.

You are in big trouble.

For what you paid, you could've gotten
a better tape recorder.

It was on sale.

Hey, wait a minute.
What about those refreshments?

I made little cookies
in the shape of Sparky.

Jack Rabbit Courier.
Package for Dorothy Halligan.

Yeah, that's me, but...

Sign here.

Hey, just moving in.

- Brilliant.
- Yeah, I could tell.

Yeah, the wife and I are looking
for a new place.

What kind of square footage
you got here?

- I don't know.
- Mind if I measure?

Now is not really a good time.

Oh, when would be a good time, then?

The 15th of August.

Two years from now,
when my lease is up.

Good enough.


What in the world...?

Oh, no, no.

Whoa, what a rough trip.
It's like being sent ham class.

Just get out of here!

Dorothy, please. I came
all the way over here to talk to you.

Lucky for you,
I haven't unpacked the knives yet.

All right, I admit
that the seance was a cruel trick...

but I did it all for you.

Oh, fine. You humiliated me
for my benefit. Thank you.

No. I didn't count on humiliation.
That was sort of a bonus.

I know those knives are here

Hey, look, look. I know how
you must have felt about Sparky.

It's not easy
to lose something you love.

I know. I lost my whole world.

But, at some point, we just have to
turn the page and move on.

You know something,
you're in the wrong game.

You should be a shrink.

Actually, I'm only three hours short
of my Masters in Psychology.

Well, don't try any of that stuff
with me.

You know, I think what's really
bugging you is that I'm onto something.

I think I've hit a nerve.

Well, thank you very much
for the speech. You can run along now.

I'm sure you'll have no problem
catching a cab.

I'll get that.
You're busy being defensive.

You'll get down.

- You'll shut up.
- Throw me a magazine.

- No.
- Or a flashlight.


- Hi, hi.
- Hi, Dorothy.

- Hi.
- Happy Valentine's Day.

- Happy Valen... Oh, what's that?
- Oh, don't worry. It's nothing romantic.

You left your knives in the truck.

Oh. Oh, what good timing.

Well, I guess I'll be going.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Unless you'd like to come in
for a minute.


I just said, unless you'd like to come in
for a minute.

What do you want moved?

Nothing. Nothing. I just thought
you might wanna come in for a minute.

Okay, but I don't have a stopwatch...

you'll have to tell me
when my minute is up.

Don't worry about it.

What's this?
I don't remember bringing that one in.

Oh, that. That's an old fur.
A ratty old fur.

I'll probably leave it for Goodwill.

Or else I'll have a hat and gloves
made out of it.

Nice view of a much nicer building.

I don't guess you'll be doing
any naked cooking.

- I don't get it.
- What do you mean?

What is it exactly
that you want from me?

I don't want anything from you.
I just like you, that's all.

Look, if you ever need anything,
I'm right down the hall.

Next to the ice machine.

I like you too, Whizzer.

I think we're going into
our second minute.

Look, I just wanna say something,

- Shoot.
- Good. I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry that I've been a little distant.
- Abrasive.

Distant. I meant distant.

- No abrasive. You're right, I was abrasive.
- Abrasive, yeah.

See, it's just that I'm having trouble
letting go, you understand?

I mean, my husband, he...
My husband was my whole life.

And I'm beginning to realize...

that's it's getting to be the time
where I should turn the page.

Well, I'm a pretty good page turner
if you ever need any help.

- I just don't know where to start. I.
- Well, we could eat.

All I have unpacked is soy sauce.

Great. I'll get the glasses.

Or we could go to a restaurant.

Yeah, that's good, that's good.
We could do that. Yeah.

Listen, I really don't think
I have much use for this anymore.

- Would you like me to sell it for you?
- No.

No, I was hoping maybe
you'd play it for me sometime.

I'd love to.

Goodbye, and thanks.

Superstition. I always say goodbye
to an empty room.

It's good luck.

Well, that's great, Mom.

Okay, I will. We'll see you soon then.

Guess what?
Mom went out with Whizzer.

- No kidding?
- He took her to the Club Lucerne.

- Now they're out bowling.
- That's terrific.

I wonder what made her
change her mind?

- ALF.
- ALF?

I don't get it either.
All she said was, "Tell ALF, thanks."

You know, I haven't seen him around
all night tonight. Have you?

He's probably in the garage
trying to contact Brian's goldfish.


Jack Rabbit Courier.