ALF (1986–1990): Season 1, Episode 16 - Try to Remember: Part 1 - full transcript

ALF bumps his head and loses his memory. All he knows is that his name is Wayne Schlagel and that he's an insurance agent. The Tanners try to make ALF remember who he really is - cue clips from earlier episodes.

if anybody wants me I'll be in the

whirling hot tub we don't have a

whirling hot tub I know I'm gonna

improvise any melt for me

no sorry about me all of it but al I I

don't want you joining any more record

clubs oh hey before I forget I'll need

you to write out a couple of checks one

to Greenpeace the other to the Auto Club

you're a member of the Auto Club elect

the magazine I'm not writing any more

checks well fine my checks just came

dawn I ordered sunrise they sent me

sunset go take your bath fine I wish

these insurance companies would leave me

alone I'm already fully covered through

the Auto Club I just know he's gonna get

hair in the drain he was wearing a

shower cap why was he carrying my mixer

into the bathroom he said something

about a whirling hot tub oh my god al

are you all right else there must be

some mistake

I'm Wayne Schlegel Michigan Life and






when Schlegel Michigan Life and Casualty

nice to meet you what is he talking

about I'm talking about your future I'm

talking about an insurance plan that

will fit your needs I think he's trying

to sell us insurance maybe the bump on

his head did something to his memory

well he seems okay otherwise he just

thinks he's Wayne Schlegel look you must

have been reading this insurance stuff

in the bathroom please take one of our

free calendars thank you are the metric

tables Oh Wayne

wing I think that you should sit down

don't mind if I do

what was your name again Kate and I'm

Lynn tanner right Kate and Lynn tanner

don't tell me you two are sisters right

I hope I want you to stop this you are

not an insurance agent you are an alien

from the planet melmac whatever you say

the customer's always rough now if I can

find my actuarial table how is she


don't you remember Willie oh what's that

oh my gosh it can't be

but likes what happened to the lines


it's closing in fast I think maybe we



we we have a visitor


well well offhand I could think of

several policies that cover roof damage

but of course since this is a

pre-existing condition

you couldn't claim it under a new policy

we're not getting rid of him

what are we gonna do I don't know just

don't sign anything you must be mr. 10

good guess I'll waive Slagle Michigan

life in catchment what's going on here

Alf is an insurance agent got a job no

dad out took a bad fall on the hot stuff

and we think you lost his memory

oh no but we don't have a hot tub well

that's good Willy because we don't cover

hot tubs it is Willy isn't it yes we

don't cover hot tubs we've been trying

to snap him out of it

maybe we should call dr. Jeff no no dr.

Jefferson Hammond was kind of a thing

who does dr. Demento Wayne Wayne Cooley


you're not an insurance agent it's not

that we have anything against insurance

agents but that that's not what you are

you're an alien what do you think it is

really what is it

Brian's right it's an ounce what an elf

a LF that sword for alien life-form no

this thing is not staying in anyone's

it's not staying why not you got to stay

Yugi was a movie this is real this is on

our coffee table well you people sure

spend some crazy yards mind if I use

your phone to call the office office

they seem to have forgotten my number

it's right here in your business card

Willie let him call maybe he'll realize

he isn't Wayne Schlegel hi hon Wayne

yeah I'm at five five five four oh four

four any messages Wayne why do you sound

so funny is your wife with you no good

don't you talk

we're worried today I would hit the

motel for over an hour I don't remember

yeah we'll listen Buster if you think

I'm gonna wait around for you forever

you were out of your mind

okay okay I'll ask her for a divorce


boy you have a couple of drinks a few


they think it's forever this has gone

far enough

you obviously haven't met Brenda neither

of you you're not an insurance agent you

don't know anything about insurance a

few months ago you didn't know anything

about this planet it's the day before

Christmas I've hidden all the eggs we

hide eggs at Easter not at Christmas oh

that's right

Christmas is when we carve the pumpkin

plenty to keep you occupied we've got

magazines this is a jigsaw puzzle that's

broken that's the object you're supposed

to put it together why I didn't break it

how would you like to go outside throw

around the old frisbee build what yeah

here I say how it goes all right let me

see if I've got this reindeer thing

straight there's uh there's Dasher

dancer comet Cupid Matthew Mark Luke and


no Prancer dancer vixen Blitzen

Louie Dewie then how do they pull the

slip just keep your distance all right

and try to be considerate no problem


so now isn't it obvious you're not this

Wayne slagle the only thing that's

obvious is that your minds aren't

uninsurance listen nobody likes to think

about the inevitable but you do have a

responsibility to your family she's

right dad

we don't need songs and I hope you never

do not would but I'll leave some

brochures you can call me when you're

ready to talk

by the way Willie are you parked behind

me I don't think where did I put my coat

in fact where did I put my pants oh my


I'm naked well that's us you aren't okay

so you're free thinkers I want my keys I

want my pants and I want to leave don't

let him go all of you Oh No first just

strip me now you're holding me prisoner

I've heard about this happening to other

insurance agents but I never thought it

would happen to me

you can't keep me here this is for your

own good Wayne I mean Alf

you're a big trouble mister you're gonna

go to jail for this you may never get

out and if you do just try getting

insurance please please Alka just just

try to calm down and maybe maybe things

will start coming back to you I don't

want to calm down I'm a high energy

salesman how do you think I made the

million dollar club doesn't any of this

seem familiar to you is that what this

is all about did I have an affair with

your wife - warning hey I'm sorry one

thing just led to another Willy no I

think we can be reasonably sure that

that did not happen in fact at first the

two of you didn't even really she






let's going out there laughing just

screaming no problem let me put it this

way Willie I don't think this is gonna

work out I'll take yours fine

interesting concept

so we've straightened that out I didn't

have an affair with your wife now if

you'll just give me my pants I can't let

you leave look if the plan is to hold me

for ransom you could forget about it my

company has a policy of not negotiating

with terrorists have some other policies

you might be interested in really in

fact I could set you up with a whole

life how old are you 45 45 we better act

fast I could set you up with a whole

life policy that will benefit you and

your family for years to come

just think about this Willie oh hello

dr. snake Meyer yeah

listen doctor it seems that a houseguest

of ours has come down with amnesia no we

can't bring him in listen isn't there

some kind of you know home remedy we can

try it Allah breathing into a paper bag

or what what did you see to do hit him

on the head with a rolling pin no I

don't think that's funny no I don't

watch the Three Stooges

I should listen doctor I think we'll try

the hospital yes I'm sure he has

insurance should I get the rolling pin

you can't hit him on the head with a

rolling pin

at least we shouldn't I can't take you

to the hospital so we're stuck having an

insurance agent living in our laundry


why did they'll keep doing things like

this oh mama sound like this is his

fault he's like a three-year-old you

have to keep your eye on him constantly





maybe we should have called first

well I had the music pretty loud I

probably would have heard the phone so

how was the shower world elf what are

you doing in my dress

sorry I thought it was Lynch you have

really done it this time

and these semblance of faith or trust I

had in you is born really my jewelry box

is missing so am I good gold cufflinks

and my good watch my antique cameo where

are they

probably being pawned police are here

what you do al sure blame the guy in the

dress no don't make a sound

stay right here and take off the dress

all right but I feel it only fair to

warn you I'm not wearing anything

underneath I gotta tell you this thing

flies like the wind what happened I

don't know all I did was turn the engine

on before I knew it I was on the freeway

freeway i smooth buddy


pull off the road pull the car off the

road I can't I'm in the fast lane

although you'd never know it by the way

these clowns are driving this ain't a

parade don't ya look at the drivers

they'll see you the way I'm driving too


hey ever hear a turn signal just look at

the road signs trying to find out look

at exactly where you are

well uh I just passed the motel 6 and

they're having a beekeepers convention


this wire while I turn on the juice sure

right there you know that's my shortwave

do you know how long I long it took me

ten years together I'm glad to see you

haven't wasted your life what about the

phone you're on it all the time

first I can't use the radio now I can't

use the phone what next the curling iron

your toothbrush these medicines finish

yours the green one right it was William


yes had a delivery here for you from the

terry faith come hold it wait just a

minute I'm not signing anything no

signatures necessary this was all paid

for over the phone I'll be back with the

rest when I get a bigger truck $4,000


that matches my total how do we open the

purchase four thousand dollars with a

makeup plastic I put it on your visa Oh

incidentally you're over your limit




put me out well we did get new curtains

curtains were new curtains

maybe we can get Wayne to give us Alf

insurance we moved offices we must have

only had maybe 12 1500 square feet we

were literally packed in there like

sardines well that place was so small I

had to go into sadowski's office to

change my mind were you going with that

thought mr. Schlegel might want snap of

course in our new place oh by the way

did I give you a business card in the

new place the traffic flow is much

better and we've got a men and a woman's

restroom yeah oh the underwriters are

pretty happy about that are they sure

I've never seen them so are you

listening Willy you know I liked you

better as an alien you were annoying but

you were never boring mr. Schlegel at

least somebody has compassion what is

this junk vomits and Romi's what are you

trying to do kill me

I'll have you know I've got a very

delicate stomach I smell cake even

though the portions were extremely small

sorry we only had one pot roast

oh you get these holidays straightened

out I think I'll just go make breakfast

not necessary

I already made breakfast sloppy joes and

fiber glass there's hair in this tuna

fish I like it I must be hungry

didn't even say grace grace we're

something wrong some people won't eat

red meat some will eat sugar some won't

eat fried foods or dairy products

doesn't need all the cat food - did you

no way I draw the line at intestinal

byproducts take this food away son I'm

not eating till you let me go I know

what if I what if I saw you on mirror

all right

maybe I need a shave is this the face of

an insurance agent yeah all right I'm no

Burt Sadowski but then Burt sadowski's

not in a million dollar club this is

you're not an insurance agent you're an

alien can't you see that listen Willie

what do you want from me you obviously

don't want a Polish I want you to get

your memory back is that it okay hey hey

it's coming back to me now it's like a

veil being lifted I'm I'm an alien yeah

that's what I am and I'm from the planet

Milsap now Mack

I have my pants now you're not gonna

leave here hey we had a deal Willie I'm

sorry you're just going to have to trust

me it's far too dangerous for you out

there this time I would received an

anonymous tip that you might be

harboring a space creature space

creature yes

hairy or 3 feet tall is he considered

dangerous hard to tell until we get in

the lab and what would you do with him

if you did get him you know in the lab

usual battery of tests we'll see how it

responds to intense heat freezing cold

high voltage toxic substances paying

sleep deprivation inoculation

that's needles and of course dissection


Paul it's toenails out you didn't let me


know what that is it's a nanny are you

sure yeah and it's against the law to

shoot in what are you talking about you

could shoot anteaters I don't care what

he is I'm gonna take him out and

butchery hmm why do you always get it to

all the butchering because you usually

end up mutilating all the good meat I'll

get the chainsaw you make the salad

is there such a thing as a cross between

a kangaroo and an aardvark window I

don't see not know was there a second


and I think it was shaving yeah right

and I'm Sean Penn all right let's see if

I'm following this Willie there are

people out there who want to hurt me so

so you're protecting me by locking me

naked in your bedroom and feeding me

sugar something like that I'm gonna go

find Kate and see if she's found anyone

to help you yeah see if she can find any

help for you it's obvious I'm not gonna

make this sale I'm not getting anywhere

with them did the doctor give you any

advice yeah but it didn't help

mrs. doc monic has my rolling pin dad

isn't there some sort of a psychiatric

hotline with a call yes five point five

eight five three three I memorize that

number one elf moved in Oh what are you

doing in the phone ah your goose is

cooked now bucko I've called the police

it's called the police

I can't believe you called the police

believe it pal what goes around comes



well why don't you tell them that

they're aliens and then take their

clothes took whose clothes you don't

know the mistake you just made yeah well

you're the one who's making a mistake

tangling with a man from Michigan Life

and Casualty now the cops are gonna lock

you up and you'll get a taste of what

it's like to be a prisoner I already

know what that's like

thanks to you can't believe I'll

actually use your shortwave to call the


I don't know all I know is somebody used

my radio and now I'm a criminal anything

I don't hang people anymore

what you think I'm a threat to national

security a terrorist cabe I'm not a


honey I know that I'm not going to


I saw Midnight Express you remember they

made him eat bugs Express they broke his

feet I stand corrected that wasn't so

bad that was a comedy

let's stop it's obvious you have to tell

the truth of course the truth I'll just

I'll explain it to them

an alien took control of my radio why

would he do that they'll ask and I'll

say because I wouldn't let him use the

phone next con then you're familiar with

your Miranda rights I'm not the one

who's going to jail here buddy

you're not my buddy you're not my buddy

but you could have been if you hadn't

taken my pants hello it's for Wayne

Schlegel I'm sorry I lost my temper but

you see Tommy had just come in and

dumped a whole stack of workmen comp

files on my desk and then she had the

nerve to ask me to alphabetize them I

guess I just took it all out on you look

honey I pressured you Wayne and I'm

sorry I know that wasn't part of our

arrangement look if I have to share you

so be it there's enough of Wayne Slagle

to go around so let's just pretend the

whole thing never happened and I'll meet

you in our usual place in half an hour


I'd love to but I can't I'm being held

hostage here oh sure just like the last

time when you had to go to Sweden to

accept the Nobel Prize through mr.

Schlegel in fact right after I finished

alphabetizing these files I'm going over

to your house and telling your wife


hello hello I've just lost a perfectly

good marriage thanks to you not to

mention a fantastic secretary do let's

look at our options we have no options

the police is gonna come here and search

our house for a kidnapped insurance

agent named Wayne Slagel Michigan Life

and Casualty Wayne like we don't have a

Wayne Schlegel instead we have an alien

from outer space they'll just have to be

content with that so we're just gonna

give up is that what you're saying well

it looks like we may have no other

choice that's very sensible of you I'll

talk to the judge and tell him I was

treated very well Willy look out wait no

you're out and I win for friends don't

try to strike an independent deal

remember how close we were Oh al with

you I guess you'll just have to love me

for as long as it lasts big will keep on

turning two three four

rolling rolling rolling on the wait a

second that's rock and roll I don't

listen to that garbage it's nothing but

a bunch of satanic messages fuckin roll

you even wrote me a rock song I play the

video for you I'm against rock videos

they contribute to the delinquency and

destruction of the family unit well this

video hasn't done that it's not yet



take a look at me and tell me what you

see just another pretty face

some others town



I'm only here to tell you

from the twilight zone but God or moves

out of this one


who's out of this

sweet baby the one who's out of this



I catch all the wolf who's out of this







moves out of this



guitar of this world

the swirls sweet baby



the show


out of this world


well I admit some of those guys do look

like me but they don't just look like

you they are you I mean that is you Yeah

right anything else you want to tell me

before they haul you off to jail how you

made me that video because you cared

about me you thought you loved me loved

you I'm married I just can't think of my

wife's name right now oh you are not

married you live with us you are a part

of our family we are not harboring any

space creatures all right thank you have

a nice day thanks mom thanks mom

yeah thanks mom

I love this woman oh thank you son

many more thanks thanks sweetheart thank

you I'll thing not bad still waters run

deep there William


so I'm part of the family huh well then

tell me what side of the family does

this nose come from whoa

where did that come from you're not a

blood relative you're you're a part of

our family because because of the way

you've affected our lives made them more

interesting unique fun

bizarre and ready action


there Willie Bob let me give it a shot


I'm going into a trance now you don't

have to make rude noises that's alright

I don't mind hey Willie come here listen

to this let me know when this gets

irritating okay almost at once you see

what Willie's got this Pope we

appreciate all the trouble you've gone


I mean cutting roses so they look like


very good what's in it let me guess

there's lobster there's sour cream but

there's there's something else Plato the

fluorescent kind I wanted it to be

special I'm just going to go brush my


Oh gross what is that it's a slime ball


I know what you're gonna say I shouldn't

bring treats to the table unless I have

enough for everyone

what we're in luck no we're not you sure

there's a surprise in the center aisle

where did you get those melmac I usually

buy wild cherry but all they had left

was slug I just checked into the Paris

side hotel they ain't got a porter whore

up now oh I'm sorry

was I playing too loud I haven't no you

can play the piano well I was winging it

it's tough to play without the red keys

I think you should leave this for a

qualified repairman well mr. smarty its

mr. science for your information I've

located the problem there's no power

going into the high voltage transformer

hey what power that would help your call

it was an accident you almost killed me

and you say it was an accident

alright let's call it a mistake the

Droid says to the cranville to tell you

the truth I feel even better if she

lived another six light-years away six

light-years away I'll tell you my

favorite droid joke wait what's a droid


he's starting to remember it must be

working good let's remind him of other

things like um like the time you wash

dad's camera in the washing machine the

time you wax the driveway well the time

you built the termite farm in the Attic

was the food of the future no I don't

even know why I said that you're getting

me all confused your your brainwashing

me back why are you so hung up on this

guy anyway he seems like nothing but a

pain in the neck not entirely why do you

think we were so upset about you calling

the police it's it's not because we were

afraid of getting caught it's because we

were afraid of losing you I don't know

you will you're my best friend

come on Brian give us a hug

Wow happy birthday kid I want you yeah

me too

well I'm in the wind

ciao arrivederci goodbye and goodnight

mrs. Arc Manik wherever you are


you missed your ride yeah I guess I did

Rhonda for us yeah

she'll only want me more after a couple

of centuries yeah but I guess what it

boils down to is I'd miss you more you

love us that much yeah I guess I do we

love you too out we really do let's not

get maudlin welcome home

Alf Meister say what is that scratching

noise what scratching noise it's coming

from your suitcase what suitcase what

are you doing in there I told them no

suitcase no suitcase why would I be

putting a cat in a suitcase on a dinner

plate I could understand breasts of cat

that's crazy but it does sound tasty

okay where do you keep your casserole

dishes why the cat won't fit in the

toaster pad hers oh I'm so embarrassed

version 7 - gage could be a 79

your eyelids are growing heavy and you

are getting sleepy you are no longer a

cat or a bagel or a bell what's going on

here um I was I was just teaching lucky

how to tell time he's quick I'll give

him that

no it's not true Brian go get lucky all


syllogism insurance agents do not eat

cats I am an insurance agent therefore I

do not eat cats don't know I could walk

over to that refrigerator over there you

know take out a couple of slices of

whole wheat bread a little mayo and slap

together a BLT that's bacon lucky and

tomato yeah I could do that but I won't

and why is that because they trust me

but don't get too comfortable I don't

know anymore

maybe I do maybe I don't eat cat I don't

know I don't lucky is back what about my

back are you okay what do you remember

let's see the last thing I remember is

this big flash of light I smiled because

I thought someone was taking my picture

oh and also that term insurance is

cheaper than whole life no it's a start

oh my gosh it's the police now what did

you guys do not one thing with this


it's another hey what am i doing in this

cheap polyester suit fine if you all

need me I'll be in the whirling hot tub


okay thanks

good news we located Wayne Schlegel he

was in the hospital his wife got to him

first we'll we'll have to go visit him

I'm so glad we got that cleared up I

just knew the whole thing had to be a

practical joke sorry we had to search

your home I'm sure you understand no

problem I'll send you one of our safety

brochures remember 33 percent of all

accidents happen in the home and that

number goes up when you live with an

alien there's the heat gun yes but I

hope you remember what he said about

misusing appliances no I was hiding in

the dryer