ALF (1986–1990): Season 1, Episode 16 - Try to Remember: Part 1 - full transcript
ALF bumps his head and loses his memory. All he knows is that his name is Wayne Schlagel and that he's an insurance agent. The Tanners try to make ALF remember who he really is - cue clips from earlier episodes.
if anybody wants me I'll be in the
whirling hot tub we don't have a
whirling hot tub I know I'm gonna
improvise any melt for me
no sorry about me all of it but al I I
don't want you joining any more record
clubs oh hey before I forget I'll need
you to write out a couple of checks one
to Greenpeace the other to the Auto Club
you're a member of the Auto Club elect
the magazine I'm not writing any more
checks well fine my checks just came
dawn I ordered sunrise they sent me
sunset go take your bath fine I wish
these insurance companies would leave me
alone I'm already fully covered through
the Auto Club I just know he's gonna get
hair in the drain he was wearing a
shower cap why was he carrying my mixer
into the bathroom he said something
about a whirling hot tub oh my god al
are you all right else there must be
some mistake
I'm Wayne Schlegel Michigan Life and
Casualty
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
when Schlegel Michigan Life and Casualty
nice to meet you what is he talking
about I'm talking about your future I'm
talking about an insurance plan that
will fit your needs I think he's trying
to sell us insurance maybe the bump on
his head did something to his memory
well he seems okay otherwise he just
thinks he's Wayne Schlegel look you must
have been reading this insurance stuff
in the bathroom please take one of our
free calendars thank you are the metric
tables Oh Wayne
wing I think that you should sit down
don't mind if I do
what was your name again Kate and I'm
Lynn tanner right Kate and Lynn tanner
don't tell me you two are sisters right
I hope I want you to stop this you are
not an insurance agent you are an alien
from the planet melmac whatever you say
the customer's always rough now if I can
find my actuarial table how is she
serious
don't you remember Willie oh what's that
oh my gosh it can't be
but likes what happened to the lines
[Music]
it's closing in fast I think maybe we
better
[Music]
we we have a visitor
[Music]
well well offhand I could think of
several policies that cover roof damage
but of course since this is a
pre-existing condition
you couldn't claim it under a new policy
we're not getting rid of him
what are we gonna do I don't know just
don't sign anything you must be mr. 10
good guess I'll waive Slagle Michigan
life in catchment what's going on here
Alf is an insurance agent got a job no
dad out took a bad fall on the hot stuff
and we think you lost his memory
oh no but we don't have a hot tub well
that's good Willy because we don't cover
hot tubs it is Willy isn't it yes we
don't cover hot tubs we've been trying
to snap him out of it
maybe we should call dr. Jeff no no dr.
Jefferson Hammond was kind of a thing
who does dr. Demento Wayne Wayne Cooley
Wow
you're not an insurance agent it's not
that we have anything against insurance
agents but that that's not what you are
you're an alien what do you think it is
really what is it
Brian's right it's an ounce what an elf
a LF that sword for alien life-form no
this thing is not staying in anyone's
it's not staying why not you got to stay
Yugi was a movie this is real this is on
our coffee table well you people sure
spend some crazy yards mind if I use
your phone to call the office office
they seem to have forgotten my number
it's right here in your business card
Willie let him call maybe he'll realize
he isn't Wayne Schlegel hi hon Wayne
yeah I'm at five five five four oh four
four any messages Wayne why do you sound
so funny is your wife with you no good
don't you talk
we're worried today I would hit the
motel for over an hour I don't remember
yeah we'll listen Buster if you think
I'm gonna wait around for you forever
you were out of your mind
okay okay I'll ask her for a divorce
tonight
boy you have a couple of drinks a few
laughs
they think it's forever this has gone
far enough
you obviously haven't met Brenda neither
of you you're not an insurance agent you
don't know anything about insurance a
few months ago you didn't know anything
about this planet it's the day before
Christmas I've hidden all the eggs we
hide eggs at Easter not at Christmas oh
that's right
Christmas is when we carve the pumpkin
plenty to keep you occupied we've got
magazines this is a jigsaw puzzle that's
broken that's the object you're supposed
to put it together why I didn't break it
how would you like to go outside throw
around the old frisbee build what yeah
here I say how it goes all right let me
see if I've got this reindeer thing
straight there's uh there's Dasher
dancer comet Cupid Matthew Mark Luke and
John
no Prancer dancer vixen Blitzen
Louie Dewie then how do they pull the
slip just keep your distance all right
and try to be considerate no problem
[Music]
so now isn't it obvious you're not this
Wayne slagle the only thing that's
obvious is that your minds aren't
uninsurance listen nobody likes to think
about the inevitable but you do have a
responsibility to your family she's
right dad
we don't need songs and I hope you never
do not would but I'll leave some
brochures you can call me when you're
ready to talk
by the way Willie are you parked behind
me I don't think where did I put my coat
in fact where did I put my pants oh my
god
I'm naked well that's us you aren't okay
so you're free thinkers I want my keys I
want my pants and I want to leave don't
let him go all of you Oh No first just
strip me now you're holding me prisoner
I've heard about this happening to other
insurance agents but I never thought it
would happen to me
you can't keep me here this is for your
own good Wayne I mean Alf
you're a big trouble mister you're gonna
go to jail for this you may never get
out and if you do just try getting
insurance please please Alka just just
try to calm down and maybe maybe things
will start coming back to you I don't
want to calm down I'm a high energy
salesman how do you think I made the
million dollar club doesn't any of this
seem familiar to you is that what this
is all about did I have an affair with
your wife - warning hey I'm sorry one
thing just led to another Willy no I
think we can be reasonably sure that
that did not happen in fact at first the
two of you didn't even really she
detested
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
let's going out there laughing just
screaming no problem let me put it this
way Willie I don't think this is gonna
work out I'll take yours fine
interesting concept
so we've straightened that out I didn't
have an affair with your wife now if
you'll just give me my pants I can't let
you leave look if the plan is to hold me
for ransom you could forget about it my
company has a policy of not negotiating
with terrorists have some other policies
you might be interested in really in
fact I could set you up with a whole
life how old are you 45 45 we better act
fast I could set you up with a whole
life policy that will benefit you and
your family for years to come
just think about this Willie oh hello
dr. snake Meyer yeah
listen doctor it seems that a houseguest
of ours has come down with amnesia no we
can't bring him in listen isn't there
some kind of you know home remedy we can
try it Allah breathing into a paper bag
or what what did you see to do hit him
on the head with a rolling pin no I
don't think that's funny no I don't
watch the Three Stooges
I should listen doctor I think we'll try
the hospital yes I'm sure he has
insurance should I get the rolling pin
you can't hit him on the head with a
rolling pin
at least we shouldn't I can't take you
to the hospital so we're stuck having an
insurance agent living in our laundry
room
why did they'll keep doing things like
this oh mama sound like this is his
fault he's like a three-year-old you
have to keep your eye on him constantly
[Music]
[Music]
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[Music]
maybe we should have called first
well I had the music pretty loud I
probably would have heard the phone so
how was the shower world elf what are
you doing in my dress
sorry I thought it was Lynch you have
really done it this time
and these semblance of faith or trust I
had in you is born really my jewelry box
is missing so am I good gold cufflinks
and my good watch my antique cameo where
are they
probably being pawned police are here
what you do al sure blame the guy in the
dress no don't make a sound
stay right here and take off the dress
all right but I feel it only fair to
warn you I'm not wearing anything
underneath I gotta tell you this thing
flies like the wind what happened I
don't know all I did was turn the engine
on before I knew it I was on the freeway
freeway i smooth buddy
[Music]
pull off the road pull the car off the
road I can't I'm in the fast lane
although you'd never know it by the way
these clowns are driving this ain't a
parade don't ya look at the drivers
they'll see you the way I'm driving too
fast
hey ever hear a turn signal just look at
the road signs trying to find out look
at exactly where you are
well uh I just passed the motel 6 and
they're having a beekeepers convention
[Music]
this wire while I turn on the juice sure
right there you know that's my shortwave
do you know how long I long it took me
ten years together I'm glad to see you
haven't wasted your life what about the
phone you're on it all the time
first I can't use the radio now I can't
use the phone what next the curling iron
your toothbrush these medicines finish
yours the green one right it was William
tanner
yes had a delivery here for you from the
terry faith come hold it wait just a
minute I'm not signing anything no
signatures necessary this was all paid
for over the phone I'll be back with the
rest when I get a bigger truck $4,000
yep
that matches my total how do we open the
purchase four thousand dollars with a
makeup plastic I put it on your visa Oh
incidentally you're over your limit
[Applause]
[Laughter]
[Music]
put me out well we did get new curtains
curtains were new curtains
maybe we can get Wayne to give us Alf
insurance we moved offices we must have
only had maybe 12 1500 square feet we
were literally packed in there like
sardines well that place was so small I
had to go into sadowski's office to
change my mind were you going with that
thought mr. Schlegel might want snap of
course in our new place oh by the way
did I give you a business card in the
new place the traffic flow is much
better and we've got a men and a woman's
restroom yeah oh the underwriters are
pretty happy about that are they sure
I've never seen them so are you
listening Willy you know I liked you
better as an alien you were annoying but
you were never boring mr. Schlegel at
least somebody has compassion what is
this junk vomits and Romi's what are you
trying to do kill me
I'll have you know I've got a very
delicate stomach I smell cake even
though the portions were extremely small
sorry we only had one pot roast
oh you get these holidays straightened
out I think I'll just go make breakfast
not necessary
I already made breakfast sloppy joes and
fiber glass there's hair in this tuna
fish I like it I must be hungry
didn't even say grace grace we're
something wrong some people won't eat
red meat some will eat sugar some won't
eat fried foods or dairy products
doesn't need all the cat food - did you
no way I draw the line at intestinal
byproducts take this food away son I'm
not eating till you let me go I know
what if I what if I saw you on mirror
all right
maybe I need a shave is this the face of
an insurance agent yeah all right I'm no
Burt Sadowski but then Burt sadowski's
not in a million dollar club this is
you're not an insurance agent you're an
alien can't you see that listen Willie
what do you want from me you obviously
don't want a Polish I want you to get
your memory back is that it okay hey hey
it's coming back to me now it's like a
veil being lifted I'm I'm an alien yeah
that's what I am and I'm from the planet
Milsap now Mack
I have my pants now you're not gonna
leave here hey we had a deal Willie I'm
sorry you're just going to have to trust
me it's far too dangerous for you out
there this time I would received an
anonymous tip that you might be
harboring a space creature space
creature yes
hairy or 3 feet tall is he considered
dangerous hard to tell until we get in
the lab and what would you do with him
if you did get him you know in the lab
usual battery of tests we'll see how it
responds to intense heat freezing cold
high voltage toxic substances paying
sleep deprivation inoculation
that's needles and of course dissection
[Music]
Paul it's toenails out you didn't let me
finish
know what that is it's a nanny are you
sure yeah and it's against the law to
shoot in what are you talking about you
could shoot anteaters I don't care what
he is I'm gonna take him out and
butchery hmm why do you always get it to
all the butchering because you usually
end up mutilating all the good meat I'll
get the chainsaw you make the salad
is there such a thing as a cross between
a kangaroo and an aardvark window I
don't see not know was there a second
ago
and I think it was shaving yeah right
and I'm Sean Penn all right let's see if
I'm following this Willie there are
people out there who want to hurt me so
so you're protecting me by locking me
naked in your bedroom and feeding me
sugar something like that I'm gonna go
find Kate and see if she's found anyone
to help you yeah see if she can find any
help for you it's obvious I'm not gonna
make this sale I'm not getting anywhere
with them did the doctor give you any
advice yeah but it didn't help
mrs. doc monic has my rolling pin dad
isn't there some sort of a psychiatric
hotline with a call yes five point five
eight five three three I memorize that
number one elf moved in Oh what are you
doing in the phone ah your goose is
cooked now bucko I've called the police
it's called the police
I can't believe you called the police
believe it pal what goes around comes
around
[Music]
well why don't you tell them that
they're aliens and then take their
clothes took whose clothes you don't
know the mistake you just made yeah well
you're the one who's making a mistake
tangling with a man from Michigan Life
and Casualty now the cops are gonna lock
you up and you'll get a taste of what
it's like to be a prisoner I already
know what that's like
thanks to you can't believe I'll
actually use your shortwave to call the
president
I don't know all I know is somebody used
my radio and now I'm a criminal anything
I don't hang people anymore
what you think I'm a threat to national
security a terrorist cabe I'm not a
terrorist
honey I know that I'm not going to
prison
I saw Midnight Express you remember they
made him eat bugs Express they broke his
feet I stand corrected that wasn't so
bad that was a comedy
let's stop it's obvious you have to tell
the truth of course the truth I'll just
I'll explain it to them
an alien took control of my radio why
would he do that they'll ask and I'll
say because I wouldn't let him use the
phone next con then you're familiar with
your Miranda rights I'm not the one
who's going to jail here buddy
you're not my buddy you're not my buddy
but you could have been if you hadn't
taken my pants hello it's for Wayne
Schlegel I'm sorry I lost my temper but
you see Tommy had just come in and
dumped a whole stack of workmen comp
files on my desk and then she had the
nerve to ask me to alphabetize them I
guess I just took it all out on you look
honey I pressured you Wayne and I'm
sorry I know that wasn't part of our
arrangement look if I have to share you
so be it there's enough of Wayne Slagle
to go around so let's just pretend the
whole thing never happened and I'll meet
you in our usual place in half an hour
okay
I'd love to but I can't I'm being held
hostage here oh sure just like the last
time when you had to go to Sweden to
accept the Nobel Prize through mr.
Schlegel in fact right after I finished
alphabetizing these files I'm going over
to your house and telling your wife
everything
hello hello I've just lost a perfectly
good marriage thanks to you not to
mention a fantastic secretary do let's
look at our options we have no options
the police is gonna come here and search
our house for a kidnapped insurance
agent named Wayne Slagel Michigan Life
and Casualty Wayne like we don't have a
Wayne Schlegel instead we have an alien
from outer space they'll just have to be
content with that so we're just gonna
give up is that what you're saying well
it looks like we may have no other
choice that's very sensible of you I'll
talk to the judge and tell him I was
treated very well Willy look out wait no
you're out and I win for friends don't
try to strike an independent deal
remember how close we were Oh al with
you I guess you'll just have to love me
for as long as it lasts big will keep on
turning two three four
rolling rolling rolling on the wait a
second that's rock and roll I don't
listen to that garbage it's nothing but
a bunch of satanic messages fuckin roll
you even wrote me a rock song I play the
video for you I'm against rock videos
they contribute to the delinquency and
destruction of the family unit well this
video hasn't done that it's not yet
anyway
[Music]
take a look at me and tell me what you
see just another pretty face
some others town
place
[Music]
I'm only here to tell you
from the twilight zone but God or moves
out of this one
[Music]
who's out of this
sweet baby the one who's out of this
world
[Music]
I catch all the wolf who's out of this
world
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
this
[Music]
moves out of this
[Music]
overnight
guitar of this world
the swirls sweet baby
this
[Music]
the show
[Music]
out of this world
[Music]
well I admit some of those guys do look
like me but they don't just look like
you they are you I mean that is you Yeah
right anything else you want to tell me
before they haul you off to jail how you
made me that video because you cared
about me you thought you loved me loved
you I'm married I just can't think of my
wife's name right now oh you are not
married you live with us you are a part
of our family we are not harboring any
space creatures all right thank you have
a nice day thanks mom thanks mom
yeah thanks mom
I love this woman oh thank you son
many more thanks thanks sweetheart thank
you I'll thing not bad still waters run
deep there William
[Music]
so I'm part of the family huh well then
tell me what side of the family does
this nose come from whoa
where did that come from you're not a
blood relative you're you're a part of
our family because because of the way
you've affected our lives made them more
interesting unique fun
bizarre and ready action
[Music]
there Willie Bob let me give it a shot
[Music]
I'm going into a trance now you don't
have to make rude noises that's alright
I don't mind hey Willie come here listen
to this let me know when this gets
irritating okay almost at once you see
what Willie's got this Pope we
appreciate all the trouble you've gone
to
I mean cutting roses so they look like
radishes
very good what's in it let me guess
there's lobster there's sour cream but
there's there's something else Plato the
fluorescent kind I wanted it to be
special I'm just going to go brush my
teeth
Oh gross what is that it's a slime ball
ow
I know what you're gonna say I shouldn't
bring treats to the table unless I have
enough for everyone
what we're in luck no we're not you sure
there's a surprise in the center aisle
where did you get those melmac I usually
buy wild cherry but all they had left
was slug I just checked into the Paris
side hotel they ain't got a porter whore
up now oh I'm sorry
was I playing too loud I haven't no you
can play the piano well I was winging it
it's tough to play without the red keys
I think you should leave this for a
qualified repairman well mr. smarty its
mr. science for your information I've
located the problem there's no power
going into the high voltage transformer
hey what power that would help your call
it was an accident you almost killed me
and you say it was an accident
alright let's call it a mistake the
Droid says to the cranville to tell you
the truth I feel even better if she
lived another six light-years away six
light-years away I'll tell you my
favorite droid joke wait what's a droid
[Music]
he's starting to remember it must be
working good let's remind him of other
things like um like the time you wash
dad's camera in the washing machine the
time you wax the driveway well the time
you built the termite farm in the Attic
was the food of the future no I don't
even know why I said that you're getting
me all confused your your brainwashing
me back why are you so hung up on this
guy anyway he seems like nothing but a
pain in the neck not entirely why do you
think we were so upset about you calling
the police it's it's not because we were
afraid of getting caught it's because we
were afraid of losing you I don't know
you will you're my best friend
come on Brian give us a hug
Wow happy birthday kid I want you yeah
me too
well I'm in the wind
ciao arrivederci goodbye and goodnight
mrs. Arc Manik wherever you are
[Music]
you missed your ride yeah I guess I did
Rhonda for us yeah
she'll only want me more after a couple
of centuries yeah but I guess what it
boils down to is I'd miss you more you
love us that much yeah I guess I do we
love you too out we really do let's not
get maudlin welcome home
Alf Meister say what is that scratching
noise what scratching noise it's coming
from your suitcase what suitcase what
are you doing in there I told them no
suitcase no suitcase why would I be
putting a cat in a suitcase on a dinner
plate I could understand breasts of cat
that's crazy but it does sound tasty
okay where do you keep your casserole
dishes why the cat won't fit in the
toaster pad hers oh I'm so embarrassed
version 7 - gage could be a 79
your eyelids are growing heavy and you
are getting sleepy you are no longer a
cat or a bagel or a bell what's going on
here um I was I was just teaching lucky
how to tell time he's quick I'll give
him that
no it's not true Brian go get lucky all
right
syllogism insurance agents do not eat
cats I am an insurance agent therefore I
do not eat cats don't know I could walk
over to that refrigerator over there you
know take out a couple of slices of
whole wheat bread a little mayo and slap
together a BLT that's bacon lucky and
tomato yeah I could do that but I won't
and why is that because they trust me
but don't get too comfortable I don't
know anymore
maybe I do maybe I don't eat cat I don't
know I don't lucky is back what about my
back are you okay what do you remember
let's see the last thing I remember is
this big flash of light I smiled because
I thought someone was taking my picture
oh and also that term insurance is
cheaper than whole life no it's a start
oh my gosh it's the police now what did
you guys do not one thing with this
family
it's another hey what am i doing in this
cheap polyester suit fine if you all
need me I'll be in the whirling hot tub
[Music]
okay thanks
good news we located Wayne Schlegel he
was in the hospital his wife got to him
first we'll we'll have to go visit him
I'm so glad we got that cleared up I
just knew the whole thing had to be a
practical joke sorry we had to search
your home I'm sure you understand no
problem I'll send you one of our safety
brochures remember 33 percent of all
accidents happen in the home and that
number goes up when you live with an
alien there's the heat gun yes but I
hope you remember what he said about
misusing appliances no I was hiding in
the dryer
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
whirling hot tub we don't have a
whirling hot tub I know I'm gonna
improvise any melt for me
no sorry about me all of it but al I I
don't want you joining any more record
clubs oh hey before I forget I'll need
you to write out a couple of checks one
to Greenpeace the other to the Auto Club
you're a member of the Auto Club elect
the magazine I'm not writing any more
checks well fine my checks just came
dawn I ordered sunrise they sent me
sunset go take your bath fine I wish
these insurance companies would leave me
alone I'm already fully covered through
the Auto Club I just know he's gonna get
hair in the drain he was wearing a
shower cap why was he carrying my mixer
into the bathroom he said something
about a whirling hot tub oh my god al
are you all right else there must be
some mistake
I'm Wayne Schlegel Michigan Life and
Casualty
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
when Schlegel Michigan Life and Casualty
nice to meet you what is he talking
about I'm talking about your future I'm
talking about an insurance plan that
will fit your needs I think he's trying
to sell us insurance maybe the bump on
his head did something to his memory
well he seems okay otherwise he just
thinks he's Wayne Schlegel look you must
have been reading this insurance stuff
in the bathroom please take one of our
free calendars thank you are the metric
tables Oh Wayne
wing I think that you should sit down
don't mind if I do
what was your name again Kate and I'm
Lynn tanner right Kate and Lynn tanner
don't tell me you two are sisters right
I hope I want you to stop this you are
not an insurance agent you are an alien
from the planet melmac whatever you say
the customer's always rough now if I can
find my actuarial table how is she
serious
don't you remember Willie oh what's that
oh my gosh it can't be
but likes what happened to the lines
[Music]
it's closing in fast I think maybe we
better
[Music]
we we have a visitor
[Music]
well well offhand I could think of
several policies that cover roof damage
but of course since this is a
pre-existing condition
you couldn't claim it under a new policy
we're not getting rid of him
what are we gonna do I don't know just
don't sign anything you must be mr. 10
good guess I'll waive Slagle Michigan
life in catchment what's going on here
Alf is an insurance agent got a job no
dad out took a bad fall on the hot stuff
and we think you lost his memory
oh no but we don't have a hot tub well
that's good Willy because we don't cover
hot tubs it is Willy isn't it yes we
don't cover hot tubs we've been trying
to snap him out of it
maybe we should call dr. Jeff no no dr.
Jefferson Hammond was kind of a thing
who does dr. Demento Wayne Wayne Cooley
Wow
you're not an insurance agent it's not
that we have anything against insurance
agents but that that's not what you are
you're an alien what do you think it is
really what is it
Brian's right it's an ounce what an elf
a LF that sword for alien life-form no
this thing is not staying in anyone's
it's not staying why not you got to stay
Yugi was a movie this is real this is on
our coffee table well you people sure
spend some crazy yards mind if I use
your phone to call the office office
they seem to have forgotten my number
it's right here in your business card
Willie let him call maybe he'll realize
he isn't Wayne Schlegel hi hon Wayne
yeah I'm at five five five four oh four
four any messages Wayne why do you sound
so funny is your wife with you no good
don't you talk
we're worried today I would hit the
motel for over an hour I don't remember
yeah we'll listen Buster if you think
I'm gonna wait around for you forever
you were out of your mind
okay okay I'll ask her for a divorce
tonight
boy you have a couple of drinks a few
laughs
they think it's forever this has gone
far enough
you obviously haven't met Brenda neither
of you you're not an insurance agent you
don't know anything about insurance a
few months ago you didn't know anything
about this planet it's the day before
Christmas I've hidden all the eggs we
hide eggs at Easter not at Christmas oh
that's right
Christmas is when we carve the pumpkin
plenty to keep you occupied we've got
magazines this is a jigsaw puzzle that's
broken that's the object you're supposed
to put it together why I didn't break it
how would you like to go outside throw
around the old frisbee build what yeah
here I say how it goes all right let me
see if I've got this reindeer thing
straight there's uh there's Dasher
dancer comet Cupid Matthew Mark Luke and
John
no Prancer dancer vixen Blitzen
Louie Dewie then how do they pull the
slip just keep your distance all right
and try to be considerate no problem
[Music]
so now isn't it obvious you're not this
Wayne slagle the only thing that's
obvious is that your minds aren't
uninsurance listen nobody likes to think
about the inevitable but you do have a
responsibility to your family she's
right dad
we don't need songs and I hope you never
do not would but I'll leave some
brochures you can call me when you're
ready to talk
by the way Willie are you parked behind
me I don't think where did I put my coat
in fact where did I put my pants oh my
god
I'm naked well that's us you aren't okay
so you're free thinkers I want my keys I
want my pants and I want to leave don't
let him go all of you Oh No first just
strip me now you're holding me prisoner
I've heard about this happening to other
insurance agents but I never thought it
would happen to me
you can't keep me here this is for your
own good Wayne I mean Alf
you're a big trouble mister you're gonna
go to jail for this you may never get
out and if you do just try getting
insurance please please Alka just just
try to calm down and maybe maybe things
will start coming back to you I don't
want to calm down I'm a high energy
salesman how do you think I made the
million dollar club doesn't any of this
seem familiar to you is that what this
is all about did I have an affair with
your wife - warning hey I'm sorry one
thing just led to another Willy no I
think we can be reasonably sure that
that did not happen in fact at first the
two of you didn't even really she
detested
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
let's going out there laughing just
screaming no problem let me put it this
way Willie I don't think this is gonna
work out I'll take yours fine
interesting concept
so we've straightened that out I didn't
have an affair with your wife now if
you'll just give me my pants I can't let
you leave look if the plan is to hold me
for ransom you could forget about it my
company has a policy of not negotiating
with terrorists have some other policies
you might be interested in really in
fact I could set you up with a whole
life how old are you 45 45 we better act
fast I could set you up with a whole
life policy that will benefit you and
your family for years to come
just think about this Willie oh hello
dr. snake Meyer yeah
listen doctor it seems that a houseguest
of ours has come down with amnesia no we
can't bring him in listen isn't there
some kind of you know home remedy we can
try it Allah breathing into a paper bag
or what what did you see to do hit him
on the head with a rolling pin no I
don't think that's funny no I don't
watch the Three Stooges
I should listen doctor I think we'll try
the hospital yes I'm sure he has
insurance should I get the rolling pin
you can't hit him on the head with a
rolling pin
at least we shouldn't I can't take you
to the hospital so we're stuck having an
insurance agent living in our laundry
room
why did they'll keep doing things like
this oh mama sound like this is his
fault he's like a three-year-old you
have to keep your eye on him constantly
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
maybe we should have called first
well I had the music pretty loud I
probably would have heard the phone so
how was the shower world elf what are
you doing in my dress
sorry I thought it was Lynch you have
really done it this time
and these semblance of faith or trust I
had in you is born really my jewelry box
is missing so am I good gold cufflinks
and my good watch my antique cameo where
are they
probably being pawned police are here
what you do al sure blame the guy in the
dress no don't make a sound
stay right here and take off the dress
all right but I feel it only fair to
warn you I'm not wearing anything
underneath I gotta tell you this thing
flies like the wind what happened I
don't know all I did was turn the engine
on before I knew it I was on the freeway
freeway i smooth buddy
[Music]
pull off the road pull the car off the
road I can't I'm in the fast lane
although you'd never know it by the way
these clowns are driving this ain't a
parade don't ya look at the drivers
they'll see you the way I'm driving too
fast
hey ever hear a turn signal just look at
the road signs trying to find out look
at exactly where you are
well uh I just passed the motel 6 and
they're having a beekeepers convention
[Music]
this wire while I turn on the juice sure
right there you know that's my shortwave
do you know how long I long it took me
ten years together I'm glad to see you
haven't wasted your life what about the
phone you're on it all the time
first I can't use the radio now I can't
use the phone what next the curling iron
your toothbrush these medicines finish
yours the green one right it was William
tanner
yes had a delivery here for you from the
terry faith come hold it wait just a
minute I'm not signing anything no
signatures necessary this was all paid
for over the phone I'll be back with the
rest when I get a bigger truck $4,000
yep
that matches my total how do we open the
purchase four thousand dollars with a
makeup plastic I put it on your visa Oh
incidentally you're over your limit
[Applause]
[Laughter]
[Music]
put me out well we did get new curtains
curtains were new curtains
maybe we can get Wayne to give us Alf
insurance we moved offices we must have
only had maybe 12 1500 square feet we
were literally packed in there like
sardines well that place was so small I
had to go into sadowski's office to
change my mind were you going with that
thought mr. Schlegel might want snap of
course in our new place oh by the way
did I give you a business card in the
new place the traffic flow is much
better and we've got a men and a woman's
restroom yeah oh the underwriters are
pretty happy about that are they sure
I've never seen them so are you
listening Willy you know I liked you
better as an alien you were annoying but
you were never boring mr. Schlegel at
least somebody has compassion what is
this junk vomits and Romi's what are you
trying to do kill me
I'll have you know I've got a very
delicate stomach I smell cake even
though the portions were extremely small
sorry we only had one pot roast
oh you get these holidays straightened
out I think I'll just go make breakfast
not necessary
I already made breakfast sloppy joes and
fiber glass there's hair in this tuna
fish I like it I must be hungry
didn't even say grace grace we're
something wrong some people won't eat
red meat some will eat sugar some won't
eat fried foods or dairy products
doesn't need all the cat food - did you
no way I draw the line at intestinal
byproducts take this food away son I'm
not eating till you let me go I know
what if I what if I saw you on mirror
all right
maybe I need a shave is this the face of
an insurance agent yeah all right I'm no
Burt Sadowski but then Burt sadowski's
not in a million dollar club this is
you're not an insurance agent you're an
alien can't you see that listen Willie
what do you want from me you obviously
don't want a Polish I want you to get
your memory back is that it okay hey hey
it's coming back to me now it's like a
veil being lifted I'm I'm an alien yeah
that's what I am and I'm from the planet
Milsap now Mack
I have my pants now you're not gonna
leave here hey we had a deal Willie I'm
sorry you're just going to have to trust
me it's far too dangerous for you out
there this time I would received an
anonymous tip that you might be
harboring a space creature space
creature yes
hairy or 3 feet tall is he considered
dangerous hard to tell until we get in
the lab and what would you do with him
if you did get him you know in the lab
usual battery of tests we'll see how it
responds to intense heat freezing cold
high voltage toxic substances paying
sleep deprivation inoculation
that's needles and of course dissection
[Music]
Paul it's toenails out you didn't let me
finish
know what that is it's a nanny are you
sure yeah and it's against the law to
shoot in what are you talking about you
could shoot anteaters I don't care what
he is I'm gonna take him out and
butchery hmm why do you always get it to
all the butchering because you usually
end up mutilating all the good meat I'll
get the chainsaw you make the salad
is there such a thing as a cross between
a kangaroo and an aardvark window I
don't see not know was there a second
ago
and I think it was shaving yeah right
and I'm Sean Penn all right let's see if
I'm following this Willie there are
people out there who want to hurt me so
so you're protecting me by locking me
naked in your bedroom and feeding me
sugar something like that I'm gonna go
find Kate and see if she's found anyone
to help you yeah see if she can find any
help for you it's obvious I'm not gonna
make this sale I'm not getting anywhere
with them did the doctor give you any
advice yeah but it didn't help
mrs. doc monic has my rolling pin dad
isn't there some sort of a psychiatric
hotline with a call yes five point five
eight five three three I memorize that
number one elf moved in Oh what are you
doing in the phone ah your goose is
cooked now bucko I've called the police
it's called the police
I can't believe you called the police
believe it pal what goes around comes
around
[Music]
well why don't you tell them that
they're aliens and then take their
clothes took whose clothes you don't
know the mistake you just made yeah well
you're the one who's making a mistake
tangling with a man from Michigan Life
and Casualty now the cops are gonna lock
you up and you'll get a taste of what
it's like to be a prisoner I already
know what that's like
thanks to you can't believe I'll
actually use your shortwave to call the
president
I don't know all I know is somebody used
my radio and now I'm a criminal anything
I don't hang people anymore
what you think I'm a threat to national
security a terrorist cabe I'm not a
terrorist
honey I know that I'm not going to
prison
I saw Midnight Express you remember they
made him eat bugs Express they broke his
feet I stand corrected that wasn't so
bad that was a comedy
let's stop it's obvious you have to tell
the truth of course the truth I'll just
I'll explain it to them
an alien took control of my radio why
would he do that they'll ask and I'll
say because I wouldn't let him use the
phone next con then you're familiar with
your Miranda rights I'm not the one
who's going to jail here buddy
you're not my buddy you're not my buddy
but you could have been if you hadn't
taken my pants hello it's for Wayne
Schlegel I'm sorry I lost my temper but
you see Tommy had just come in and
dumped a whole stack of workmen comp
files on my desk and then she had the
nerve to ask me to alphabetize them I
guess I just took it all out on you look
honey I pressured you Wayne and I'm
sorry I know that wasn't part of our
arrangement look if I have to share you
so be it there's enough of Wayne Slagle
to go around so let's just pretend the
whole thing never happened and I'll meet
you in our usual place in half an hour
okay
I'd love to but I can't I'm being held
hostage here oh sure just like the last
time when you had to go to Sweden to
accept the Nobel Prize through mr.
Schlegel in fact right after I finished
alphabetizing these files I'm going over
to your house and telling your wife
everything
hello hello I've just lost a perfectly
good marriage thanks to you not to
mention a fantastic secretary do let's
look at our options we have no options
the police is gonna come here and search
our house for a kidnapped insurance
agent named Wayne Slagel Michigan Life
and Casualty Wayne like we don't have a
Wayne Schlegel instead we have an alien
from outer space they'll just have to be
content with that so we're just gonna
give up is that what you're saying well
it looks like we may have no other
choice that's very sensible of you I'll
talk to the judge and tell him I was
treated very well Willy look out wait no
you're out and I win for friends don't
try to strike an independent deal
remember how close we were Oh al with
you I guess you'll just have to love me
for as long as it lasts big will keep on
turning two three four
rolling rolling rolling on the wait a
second that's rock and roll I don't
listen to that garbage it's nothing but
a bunch of satanic messages fuckin roll
you even wrote me a rock song I play the
video for you I'm against rock videos
they contribute to the delinquency and
destruction of the family unit well this
video hasn't done that it's not yet
anyway
[Music]
take a look at me and tell me what you
see just another pretty face
some others town
place
[Music]
I'm only here to tell you
from the twilight zone but God or moves
out of this one
[Music]
who's out of this
sweet baby the one who's out of this
world
[Music]
I catch all the wolf who's out of this
world
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
this
[Music]
moves out of this
[Music]
overnight
guitar of this world
the swirls sweet baby
this
[Music]
the show
[Music]
out of this world
[Music]
well I admit some of those guys do look
like me but they don't just look like
you they are you I mean that is you Yeah
right anything else you want to tell me
before they haul you off to jail how you
made me that video because you cared
about me you thought you loved me loved
you I'm married I just can't think of my
wife's name right now oh you are not
married you live with us you are a part
of our family we are not harboring any
space creatures all right thank you have
a nice day thanks mom thanks mom
yeah thanks mom
I love this woman oh thank you son
many more thanks thanks sweetheart thank
you I'll thing not bad still waters run
deep there William
[Music]
so I'm part of the family huh well then
tell me what side of the family does
this nose come from whoa
where did that come from you're not a
blood relative you're you're a part of
our family because because of the way
you've affected our lives made them more
interesting unique fun
bizarre and ready action
[Music]
there Willie Bob let me give it a shot
[Music]
I'm going into a trance now you don't
have to make rude noises that's alright
I don't mind hey Willie come here listen
to this let me know when this gets
irritating okay almost at once you see
what Willie's got this Pope we
appreciate all the trouble you've gone
to
I mean cutting roses so they look like
radishes
very good what's in it let me guess
there's lobster there's sour cream but
there's there's something else Plato the
fluorescent kind I wanted it to be
special I'm just going to go brush my
teeth
Oh gross what is that it's a slime ball
ow
I know what you're gonna say I shouldn't
bring treats to the table unless I have
enough for everyone
what we're in luck no we're not you sure
there's a surprise in the center aisle
where did you get those melmac I usually
buy wild cherry but all they had left
was slug I just checked into the Paris
side hotel they ain't got a porter whore
up now oh I'm sorry
was I playing too loud I haven't no you
can play the piano well I was winging it
it's tough to play without the red keys
I think you should leave this for a
qualified repairman well mr. smarty its
mr. science for your information I've
located the problem there's no power
going into the high voltage transformer
hey what power that would help your call
it was an accident you almost killed me
and you say it was an accident
alright let's call it a mistake the
Droid says to the cranville to tell you
the truth I feel even better if she
lived another six light-years away six
light-years away I'll tell you my
favorite droid joke wait what's a droid
[Music]
he's starting to remember it must be
working good let's remind him of other
things like um like the time you wash
dad's camera in the washing machine the
time you wax the driveway well the time
you built the termite farm in the Attic
was the food of the future no I don't
even know why I said that you're getting
me all confused your your brainwashing
me back why are you so hung up on this
guy anyway he seems like nothing but a
pain in the neck not entirely why do you
think we were so upset about you calling
the police it's it's not because we were
afraid of getting caught it's because we
were afraid of losing you I don't know
you will you're my best friend
come on Brian give us a hug
Wow happy birthday kid I want you yeah
me too
well I'm in the wind
ciao arrivederci goodbye and goodnight
mrs. Arc Manik wherever you are
[Music]
you missed your ride yeah I guess I did
Rhonda for us yeah
she'll only want me more after a couple
of centuries yeah but I guess what it
boils down to is I'd miss you more you
love us that much yeah I guess I do we
love you too out we really do let's not
get maudlin welcome home
Alf Meister say what is that scratching
noise what scratching noise it's coming
from your suitcase what suitcase what
are you doing in there I told them no
suitcase no suitcase why would I be
putting a cat in a suitcase on a dinner
plate I could understand breasts of cat
that's crazy but it does sound tasty
okay where do you keep your casserole
dishes why the cat won't fit in the
toaster pad hers oh I'm so embarrassed
version 7 - gage could be a 79
your eyelids are growing heavy and you
are getting sleepy you are no longer a
cat or a bagel or a bell what's going on
here um I was I was just teaching lucky
how to tell time he's quick I'll give
him that
no it's not true Brian go get lucky all
right
syllogism insurance agents do not eat
cats I am an insurance agent therefore I
do not eat cats don't know I could walk
over to that refrigerator over there you
know take out a couple of slices of
whole wheat bread a little mayo and slap
together a BLT that's bacon lucky and
tomato yeah I could do that but I won't
and why is that because they trust me
but don't get too comfortable I don't
know anymore
maybe I do maybe I don't eat cat I don't
know I don't lucky is back what about my
back are you okay what do you remember
let's see the last thing I remember is
this big flash of light I smiled because
I thought someone was taking my picture
oh and also that term insurance is
cheaper than whole life no it's a start
oh my gosh it's the police now what did
you guys do not one thing with this
family
it's another hey what am i doing in this
cheap polyester suit fine if you all
need me I'll be in the whirling hot tub
[Music]
okay thanks
good news we located Wayne Schlegel he
was in the hospital his wife got to him
first we'll we'll have to go visit him
I'm so glad we got that cleared up I
just knew the whole thing had to be a
practical joke sorry we had to search
your home I'm sure you understand no
problem I'll send you one of our safety
brochures remember 33 percent of all
accidents happen in the home and that
number goes up when you live with an
alien there's the heat gun yes but I
hope you remember what he said about
misusing appliances no I was hiding in
the dryer
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]