9JKL (2017–2018): Season 1, Episode 7 - Nanny Wars - full transcript
So, how was your date last night?
I would say my date
was the opposite of good.
Oh, these are my favorite stories.
Was it worse than the girl
who stole your wallet?
Or the one who was older than me? Oh.
Or the hot woman who catfished you
but turned out to be
your super cool brother
messing with you?
You're a doctor.
Shouldn't you be saving lives
instead of messing with them?
I can do both.
Well, this girl spent the entire night
on the phone with her ex-boyfriend,
who, by the end of our date,
was no longer her ex-boyfriend.
Aw, they worked things out.
Yeah.
Josh, hang in there. You may go on
a lot of bad dates, but one day,
when you least expect it,
you'll decide to give up and settle.
Guys, best news ever!
The nanny said yes.
Sara? Sara picked us
over all the other families?
Yes. Do you know what
this means, Andrew?
We are gonna be able to go see a movie.
In the theater.
After two months of looking,
starting tomorrow, we
have a full-time nanny.
Well, I don't know
what you need with a nanny
when you have
the world's greatest grandmother
who's happy to keep watching
the baby for free.
Judy, I think we both know the
emotional cost here is high.
Okay, 7:00. Time for my shows.
Everybody out. 60 Minutes is starting,
and I don't want to miss
any of the minutes.
And the Discovery Channel
is having a marathon
of Naked and Afraid. They're naked.
They're afraid. I'm hooked.
Why won't you guys just get a DVR?
Yeah. You're, like,
the last two people on Earth
- who still watch TV in real time.
- Yeah.
Guys, don't try to impose
your modern ways on the Amish.
Get out! You just made me miss
two of the minutes.
Oh, my God.
Our place has never looked so clean.
I don't even see any of Wyatt's stuff.
Yeah.
No toys. No burp cloths.
It's super quiet in here.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
The nanny kidnapped our baby?
She's the best thing
that ever happened to us.
Oh, my God. She made us dinner.
What...?
Risotto.
Are you crying?
I think the bigger question is:
why aren't you?
- Hey, guys.
- Oh, hi.
- Welcome home.
- Hey.
- Oh.
- The little man's been fed
and bathed, and he's all ready for bed.
Thank you.
Mm.
Is there anything else you guys need?
Just a rope to tie you up with
so you can never leave.
She's kidding. You're scaring her.
Okay.
Well, we had a great first day, right?
Good night, little cutie patootie.
Look at you, all snug
as a bug in a rug. Huh?
I'll see you guys tomorrow.
- Okay.
- I'll miss you.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Josh.
Sara.
Ah, the wonder nanny.
I hear you do a mean
"Wheels on the Bus."
Well, you know, they
do go round and round.
Still? Boy, they're really
committed to that, aren't they?
I'll see you later. Okay. Bye.
That's your nanny? Is she single?
- Don't even think about it.
- Never happening.
Josh, I'm gonna say something to you,
and I want you to nod so
I know you understand.
You are not going to date our nanny.
"I understand."
All right. All right. She's really cute.
- She is really off-limits.
- Why?
Because it would blur a lot of
lines and make things weird.
Yeah, like the time I saw my therapist
rollerblading shirtless in Central Park.
You see a therapist?
They're my parents, too.
Huh. All right.
- Hello.
- Mom and Dad, I have a huge surprise.
Wyatt looked at a picture of me
and said "Mommy"?
No. I bought you a new TV.
Is that a new TV?
Yes, I just said that.
Where is our old TV?
I donated it
to the Natural History Museum.
Neanderthal man
is watching it in a diorama.
Why would you do this to us?
What, uh, this incredibly nice gift?
We told you we like our old system.
Just trust me,
you're gonna like this more.
Okay? Here are your new remotes.
Oh, my God! Two?
There are two of them?
Judy, I don't like it.
No, we don't want any of this.
Change is a young man's game.
Just give it a chance, okay?
With this system,
you can watch any show anytime.
Any show?
Anytime?
I just said both of those things.
All you need to do is sign up
for a streaming service
and pay the monthly fee.
Oh, a monthly fee.
Well, that's not a gift.
That's a burden.
Absolutely. An expensive burden.
I didn't even tell you
how much it costs.
Why would you assume it's expensive?
What if it's a nickel a month?
- Is it a nickel a month?
- No.
Nothing is a nickel a month.
I was making a point. It's...
It is ten bucks.
Per month?
Every month?
That's considerably more than a nickel.
I will pay for it. I will pay for it.
I will sign you up,
and I will pay for it.
You watch your tone, mister.
He stole our perfectly good TV,
he gave us a gift we have to pay for,
- and now he's yelling at us.
- You know what?
I'm gonna remove myself
from this situation
so we don't have a repeat of the time
I tried to teach you
how to use your fax machine.
Oh, you mean when
you threw it over the balcony
and almost killed someone?
No, that was a microwave!
So, who's gonna teach us
to work this complicated TV?
Don't worry. I got a guy.
All right, all right.
Mr. and Mrs. Roberts, put on
your old-timey swimsuits,
'cause we going channel surfing.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Every time a door opens, there you are.
Well, you know what they say:
when one door closes, there's Josh.
Actually, no one says that.
Anyway, I should probably... Oh, okay.
Uh, missed it.
Maybe the universe
is trying to tell us something.
Yeah, like, "This is
your nephew's nanny."
"You better take the stairs."
Which I'm gonna.
I was thinking it was saying
maybe we should hang out.
Want to grab a drink?
Okay. I mean, who am I to argue
with the universe, right?
Let's not overthink it. Come on.
Okay, okay. Um,
I think that you guys
are ready to try this.
How you feel? You feel good?
- No. Not at all.
- No.
Okay, well, it don't matter,
because I believe in you,
and I believe in you.
Okay? Now, Mr. Roberts,
what's the first step?
Well, I pick up the large remote...
and I press the red "on" button.
That's my dawg.
I am your dawg.
Yeah.
Okay, Mrs. Roberts, what's next?
Oh, Nick, I'm so nervous. I...
- We're not streaming people, you know?
- Hey, hey, hey.
Don't you give up on me, mama bear.
Okay? You can do this.
All right. Okay. Uh...
for streaming service, press "input"?
Oh, you get down with your bad self!
Oh, look, so many choices.
Well, now we can watch
all the fancy shows,
- just like our friends.
- Yeah.
Hey, you know what this means, right?
- Huh?
- What?
Y'all are streaming people.
Oh, we're streaming.
We're streaming people.
We're streaming people.
- Hey. So...
- Hey.
I just wanted
to circle back on that whole
"I can't date your nanny" thing.
What did you do?
So, what would be the worst
thing I could have done?
Have sex with her.
I did not do that.
Oh, thank God.
But we did kiss.
- Damn it, Josh!
- Son of a bitch!
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. She asked me out,
and I didn't want to say that you said
I couldn't date her
because I didn't think
that would reflect well on you.
Oh, so you hooked up
with her to protect us?
Yes, I did. You are welcome.
Look, guys, she is so cute and caring,
and you know how hard it's been
for me to find someone.
And you know how hard it's been
for us to find someone.
Yeah, but there's no reason
Sara can't go out with me
and be your nanny at the same time.
Uh, here's a reason.
What happens when she gets
sick of you and quits
'cause she can't stand
being one apartment over
from her annoying ex-boyfriend?
Ooh, I'll tell you what happens.
We lose our perfect nanny.
And then we kill you.
Guys, I think I really like her.
Are you prepared
to say you love her, Josh?
'Cause I am. I love her.
Look, if you really
don't want me to date her,
- just say the word.
- The word.
Babe, sidebar.
Look, this has been
such a crap year for him.
Okay? The divorce,
his show getting cancelled,
so few sexual noises
coming through the walls.
All unfortunate and not my problem.
He's my brother. Maybe we should, like,
I don't know, take his
happiness into account.
Wow, I'm a good person.
Fine.
I guess you have
our very lukewarm blessing.
Thank you. Thank you.
You won't regret this.
And since we're having an honest moment,
we did a lot more than kiss.
See you later.
Isn't this nice, Judy?
Watching together instead
of in separate rooms.
Yeah.
Mmm.
Okay, we have to pick a show.
I like this one. It's so peaceful.
Harry, this is a screensaver.
Okay. Oh!
My Pilates instructor
says Mad Men is pretty good.
Okay. Uh, let's watch
and find out why those men are so mad.
Ooh, your feet are so cold.
- Oh.
- Here you go.
Look at you all snug as a bug in a rug.
That's cute.
Josh? Oh. Oh, hi, Sara.
I'm sorry to interrupt.
It's just, Andrew's at work
and your parents aren't home,
and I just got called into the hospital.
Would you mind watching Wyatt for a bit?
Uh, Eve, I'm sorry, I can't.
I'm meeting a director
for drinks in an hour.
I can watch Wyatt.
Really?
Yeah. I'd love to.
You're a lifesaver.
Wow. I guess it's kind of a good thing
Sara was over here with me
so she could save the day.
Huh? How about that?
I get what you're saying.
I'll be right over
to give the little guy a bath
and get him in his jammies.
Thank you. I love you.
I know it's too soon to say,
but sometimes you just know.
Hey, I have an idea.
Yes.
How about when you get back from
your meeting with the director,
I give you a bath?
I think I could get into that.
Oh, you're gonna get into it.
There's gonna be bubbles.
I am liking what I'm hearing.
I'm gonna wash you everywhere.
Uh-huh.
And give you a rub-a-dub-dub
for your chubby-chub-chub.
I'm gonna powder your bottom
and give you the tickles
and help you wiggle into your
jammies, mister mister! Boop!
Ah.
- Oh, hey, what's up, bro?
- Hey.
So, I've been thinking.
Sara's your nanny.
And I shouldn't do anything
to jeopardize that.
What are you talking about?
Well, it's just, you know,
Wyatt is my top priority,
and I have to act with him in mind.
What's wrong with her?
She's weird,
and I'm gonna stop seeing her.
The hell you are!
What? Wha-What's that supposed to mean?
Sara says she really likes you.
And more importantly,
we really like her.
Thanks to Sara, Eve and I have
been eating delicious dinners,
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Exercising regularly,
and we have reconnected
physically.
Well, I'm not gonna keep
dating someone I'm not into.
See that's where
you're wrong, Joshie-boy.
Because we said it was a bad idea.
But you convinced us otherwise.
So we got on board.
Yeah, and now the nanny likes you.
Which means you will not do anything
to upset the nanny,
'cause we've been
waiting for her for a long time,
and she is
very important to us.
So make it... work.
- Is that a threat?
- Yes.
Harry, please.
I could see what your Pilates
instructor was talking about.
I'm trying to listen.
I like this Mad Men show.
You've mentioned that three times.
Though some of the women
seem to be mad, too.
For God's sake.
Zip it!
Okay, okay, I'm zipping.
There's my streaming queen.
How's the new TV treating you?
Well, Harry's never been
happier, but I am in hell.
Oh. What's the problem?
Talk to your boy.
Well, the man never stops
coughing or slurping
or blowing his nose.
No matter what, I get sprayed.
I hear that.
Mr. Roberts once sneezed all
the way from the elevator,
- and a little drizzle hit me on the lip.
- Oh.
And worst of all, he talks
through all the lines.
I can't hear what's happening
in the program.
You know what? We had
a rule at my house.
Before anyone talks,
they got to say "pause,"
and then we just pause the TV.
We call it the "Aunt Eunice
Rule," after my Aunt Eunice.
I'll tell you, that woman
never knows who that is
or why they doing that or how
come they going in there.
That's great! A pause rule.
Why didn't I think of that?
Oh. Oopsie.
- You got a yucky.
- Oh.
- Yucky, yucky, yucky, ooh!
- Yeah, you know what? It's okay.
Okay, yeah. Thank you.
I, uh... I got it.
What?
Well...
It's just... have you ever noticed
how sometimes you treat me
like I'm a... baby?
Do I?
Little bit. Little bit.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
I guess I'm just so used to
being around kids all the time,
I don't even realize I'm doing it.
You know what?
That actually makes sense.
Sometimes when I'm preparing for a role,
I take my work home with me.
I once played a homeless guy
and didn't shower for a week.
And how was that for you?
It was probably harder
for the people around me.
Hey, do you want a massage?
I give a really good one.
- Come on, let me, let me. Let me.
- Uh, okay, okay.
That would be... amazing.
Oh, my God.
Sara, that is fantastic.
Thank you.
♪ Crack an egg on your head,
let the yolk drip down ♪
♪ Yolk drip down, yolk drip down! ♪
Um, I'm sorry.
What is happening right now?
♪ Cool breeze, tight squeeze ♪
♪ Now you've got the,
now you've got the... ♪
Please stop all that.
But I didn't give you the chills.
Oh, but you have.
Oh, goodness, I hope that...
Harry, remember the rule.
Yes, of course.
Uh, pause.
Yes?
Well, now I forget.
Wait. Pause.
That guy in yellow looks
like a friend of mine.
Pauses are just for
bathroom breaks and questions.
Fine.
Pause.
I know I just took a bathroom break,
but now that you mentioned it,
I feel like I have to go again.
Nope. False alarm.
Un-pause.
Harry, I just remembered why
we started watching television
in separate rooms in the first place.
- What was it?
- You.
I don't mean to hurt your feelings,
but this is becoming
really unpleasant for me.
Well, it's unpleasant for me, too!
- Wait. Really?
- I am in hell!
With you here, I can't
chew the way I like to,
and I-I can't scratch
places that I want to.
And I can't do that thing I do
to get the itch out of my throat.
So this is you holding back?
I've been wanting to
do that for two days.
Harry, I've never felt closer to you.
That is why I'm leaving
to watch in the bedroom.
Guys, I am sorry,
but I had to break up with her.
You dumped our nanny?
Josh, we talked about this.
But you don't understand.
She treated me like a baby.
And not like, "Ooh. Ooh, baby."
Like a literal baby.
- What do you mean?
- I mean, she burped me.
Ew! I don't want to know this!
Know what? The truth
about your perfect nanny.
Your perfect nanny
stuck her hand down my pants
to check if I was wet.
- Oh!
- Stop it!
Oh, but there's more.
She asked me to set up a play date
for my pee-pee and her wee-wee.
- Oh. Pee-pee?
- Wee-wee?
I'm sorry, she may be a great nanny,
but she is not the girl for me.
She's a great nanny.
Yeah. Yeah, I mean,
we can get past this.
Yeah. We're not gonna
let him ruin her for us.
Yeah, yeah, like, who cares
if she's a weird girlfriend?
- Wyatt loves her.
- Yeah, we love her.
- Yeah. We can make this work.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, guys!
- Hi.
- Hi. How was the park?
Great.
Somebody made a big pee-pee
with his wee-wee.
- You have to fire her.
- I know a guy.
All right, all right.
Hey, creepy baby lady.
Uh, put down those diapers.
Uh, you out. Come on.
Pause.
Yes, my darling.
I just want to say
how much I am enjoying
watching the same program at
the same time in separate rooms.
I love that, too.
Mm.
Judy?
- Yes, Harry?
- Can you believe
how the mad men drank so much at work?
Those were the days.
What are we doing tomorrow?
We'll talk about that tomorrow.
Hey, did you understand...?
Shutting the door, Harry!
I would say my date
was the opposite of good.
Oh, these are my favorite stories.
Was it worse than the girl
who stole your wallet?
Or the one who was older than me? Oh.
Or the hot woman who catfished you
but turned out to be
your super cool brother
messing with you?
You're a doctor.
Shouldn't you be saving lives
instead of messing with them?
I can do both.
Well, this girl spent the entire night
on the phone with her ex-boyfriend,
who, by the end of our date,
was no longer her ex-boyfriend.
Aw, they worked things out.
Yeah.
Josh, hang in there. You may go on
a lot of bad dates, but one day,
when you least expect it,
you'll decide to give up and settle.
Guys, best news ever!
The nanny said yes.
Sara? Sara picked us
over all the other families?
Yes. Do you know what
this means, Andrew?
We are gonna be able to go see a movie.
In the theater.
After two months of looking,
starting tomorrow, we
have a full-time nanny.
Well, I don't know
what you need with a nanny
when you have
the world's greatest grandmother
who's happy to keep watching
the baby for free.
Judy, I think we both know the
emotional cost here is high.
Okay, 7:00. Time for my shows.
Everybody out. 60 Minutes is starting,
and I don't want to miss
any of the minutes.
And the Discovery Channel
is having a marathon
of Naked and Afraid. They're naked.
They're afraid. I'm hooked.
Why won't you guys just get a DVR?
Yeah. You're, like,
the last two people on Earth
- who still watch TV in real time.
- Yeah.
Guys, don't try to impose
your modern ways on the Amish.
Get out! You just made me miss
two of the minutes.
Oh, my God.
Our place has never looked so clean.
I don't even see any of Wyatt's stuff.
Yeah.
No toys. No burp cloths.
It's super quiet in here.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
The nanny kidnapped our baby?
She's the best thing
that ever happened to us.
Oh, my God. She made us dinner.
What...?
Risotto.
Are you crying?
I think the bigger question is:
why aren't you?
- Hey, guys.
- Oh, hi.
- Welcome home.
- Hey.
- Oh.
- The little man's been fed
and bathed, and he's all ready for bed.
Thank you.
Mm.
Is there anything else you guys need?
Just a rope to tie you up with
so you can never leave.
She's kidding. You're scaring her.
Okay.
Well, we had a great first day, right?
Good night, little cutie patootie.
Look at you, all snug
as a bug in a rug. Huh?
I'll see you guys tomorrow.
- Okay.
- I'll miss you.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Josh.
Sara.
Ah, the wonder nanny.
I hear you do a mean
"Wheels on the Bus."
Well, you know, they
do go round and round.
Still? Boy, they're really
committed to that, aren't they?
I'll see you later. Okay. Bye.
That's your nanny? Is she single?
- Don't even think about it.
- Never happening.
Josh, I'm gonna say something to you,
and I want you to nod so
I know you understand.
You are not going to date our nanny.
"I understand."
All right. All right. She's really cute.
- She is really off-limits.
- Why?
Because it would blur a lot of
lines and make things weird.
Yeah, like the time I saw my therapist
rollerblading shirtless in Central Park.
You see a therapist?
They're my parents, too.
Huh. All right.
- Hello.
- Mom and Dad, I have a huge surprise.
Wyatt looked at a picture of me
and said "Mommy"?
No. I bought you a new TV.
Is that a new TV?
Yes, I just said that.
Where is our old TV?
I donated it
to the Natural History Museum.
Neanderthal man
is watching it in a diorama.
Why would you do this to us?
What, uh, this incredibly nice gift?
We told you we like our old system.
Just trust me,
you're gonna like this more.
Okay? Here are your new remotes.
Oh, my God! Two?
There are two of them?
Judy, I don't like it.
No, we don't want any of this.
Change is a young man's game.
Just give it a chance, okay?
With this system,
you can watch any show anytime.
Any show?
Anytime?
I just said both of those things.
All you need to do is sign up
for a streaming service
and pay the monthly fee.
Oh, a monthly fee.
Well, that's not a gift.
That's a burden.
Absolutely. An expensive burden.
I didn't even tell you
how much it costs.
Why would you assume it's expensive?
What if it's a nickel a month?
- Is it a nickel a month?
- No.
Nothing is a nickel a month.
I was making a point. It's...
It is ten bucks.
Per month?
Every month?
That's considerably more than a nickel.
I will pay for it. I will pay for it.
I will sign you up,
and I will pay for it.
You watch your tone, mister.
He stole our perfectly good TV,
he gave us a gift we have to pay for,
- and now he's yelling at us.
- You know what?
I'm gonna remove myself
from this situation
so we don't have a repeat of the time
I tried to teach you
how to use your fax machine.
Oh, you mean when
you threw it over the balcony
and almost killed someone?
No, that was a microwave!
So, who's gonna teach us
to work this complicated TV?
Don't worry. I got a guy.
All right, all right.
Mr. and Mrs. Roberts, put on
your old-timey swimsuits,
'cause we going channel surfing.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Every time a door opens, there you are.
Well, you know what they say:
when one door closes, there's Josh.
Actually, no one says that.
Anyway, I should probably... Oh, okay.
Uh, missed it.
Maybe the universe
is trying to tell us something.
Yeah, like, "This is
your nephew's nanny."
"You better take the stairs."
Which I'm gonna.
I was thinking it was saying
maybe we should hang out.
Want to grab a drink?
Okay. I mean, who am I to argue
with the universe, right?
Let's not overthink it. Come on.
Okay, okay. Um,
I think that you guys
are ready to try this.
How you feel? You feel good?
- No. Not at all.
- No.
Okay, well, it don't matter,
because I believe in you,
and I believe in you.
Okay? Now, Mr. Roberts,
what's the first step?
Well, I pick up the large remote...
and I press the red "on" button.
That's my dawg.
I am your dawg.
Yeah.
Okay, Mrs. Roberts, what's next?
Oh, Nick, I'm so nervous. I...
- We're not streaming people, you know?
- Hey, hey, hey.
Don't you give up on me, mama bear.
Okay? You can do this.
All right. Okay. Uh...
for streaming service, press "input"?
Oh, you get down with your bad self!
Oh, look, so many choices.
Well, now we can watch
all the fancy shows,
- just like our friends.
- Yeah.
Hey, you know what this means, right?
- Huh?
- What?
Y'all are streaming people.
Oh, we're streaming.
We're streaming people.
We're streaming people.
- Hey. So...
- Hey.
I just wanted
to circle back on that whole
"I can't date your nanny" thing.
What did you do?
So, what would be the worst
thing I could have done?
Have sex with her.
I did not do that.
Oh, thank God.
But we did kiss.
- Damn it, Josh!
- Son of a bitch!
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. She asked me out,
and I didn't want to say that you said
I couldn't date her
because I didn't think
that would reflect well on you.
Oh, so you hooked up
with her to protect us?
Yes, I did. You are welcome.
Look, guys, she is so cute and caring,
and you know how hard it's been
for me to find someone.
And you know how hard it's been
for us to find someone.
Yeah, but there's no reason
Sara can't go out with me
and be your nanny at the same time.
Uh, here's a reason.
What happens when she gets
sick of you and quits
'cause she can't stand
being one apartment over
from her annoying ex-boyfriend?
Ooh, I'll tell you what happens.
We lose our perfect nanny.
And then we kill you.
Guys, I think I really like her.
Are you prepared
to say you love her, Josh?
'Cause I am. I love her.
Look, if you really
don't want me to date her,
- just say the word.
- The word.
Babe, sidebar.
Look, this has been
such a crap year for him.
Okay? The divorce,
his show getting cancelled,
so few sexual noises
coming through the walls.
All unfortunate and not my problem.
He's my brother. Maybe we should, like,
I don't know, take his
happiness into account.
Wow, I'm a good person.
Fine.
I guess you have
our very lukewarm blessing.
Thank you. Thank you.
You won't regret this.
And since we're having an honest moment,
we did a lot more than kiss.
See you later.
Isn't this nice, Judy?
Watching together instead
of in separate rooms.
Yeah.
Mmm.
Okay, we have to pick a show.
I like this one. It's so peaceful.
Harry, this is a screensaver.
Okay. Oh!
My Pilates instructor
says Mad Men is pretty good.
Okay. Uh, let's watch
and find out why those men are so mad.
Ooh, your feet are so cold.
- Oh.
- Here you go.
Look at you all snug as a bug in a rug.
That's cute.
Josh? Oh. Oh, hi, Sara.
I'm sorry to interrupt.
It's just, Andrew's at work
and your parents aren't home,
and I just got called into the hospital.
Would you mind watching Wyatt for a bit?
Uh, Eve, I'm sorry, I can't.
I'm meeting a director
for drinks in an hour.
I can watch Wyatt.
Really?
Yeah. I'd love to.
You're a lifesaver.
Wow. I guess it's kind of a good thing
Sara was over here with me
so she could save the day.
Huh? How about that?
I get what you're saying.
I'll be right over
to give the little guy a bath
and get him in his jammies.
Thank you. I love you.
I know it's too soon to say,
but sometimes you just know.
Hey, I have an idea.
Yes.
How about when you get back from
your meeting with the director,
I give you a bath?
I think I could get into that.
Oh, you're gonna get into it.
There's gonna be bubbles.
I am liking what I'm hearing.
I'm gonna wash you everywhere.
Uh-huh.
And give you a rub-a-dub-dub
for your chubby-chub-chub.
I'm gonna powder your bottom
and give you the tickles
and help you wiggle into your
jammies, mister mister! Boop!
Ah.
- Oh, hey, what's up, bro?
- Hey.
So, I've been thinking.
Sara's your nanny.
And I shouldn't do anything
to jeopardize that.
What are you talking about?
Well, it's just, you know,
Wyatt is my top priority,
and I have to act with him in mind.
What's wrong with her?
She's weird,
and I'm gonna stop seeing her.
The hell you are!
What? Wha-What's that supposed to mean?
Sara says she really likes you.
And more importantly,
we really like her.
Thanks to Sara, Eve and I have
been eating delicious dinners,
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Exercising regularly,
and we have reconnected
physically.
Well, I'm not gonna keep
dating someone I'm not into.
See that's where
you're wrong, Joshie-boy.
Because we said it was a bad idea.
But you convinced us otherwise.
So we got on board.
Yeah, and now the nanny likes you.
Which means you will not do anything
to upset the nanny,
'cause we've been
waiting for her for a long time,
and she is
very important to us.
So make it... work.
- Is that a threat?
- Yes.
Harry, please.
I could see what your Pilates
instructor was talking about.
I'm trying to listen.
I like this Mad Men show.
You've mentioned that three times.
Though some of the women
seem to be mad, too.
For God's sake.
Zip it!
Okay, okay, I'm zipping.
There's my streaming queen.
How's the new TV treating you?
Well, Harry's never been
happier, but I am in hell.
Oh. What's the problem?
Talk to your boy.
Well, the man never stops
coughing or slurping
or blowing his nose.
No matter what, I get sprayed.
I hear that.
Mr. Roberts once sneezed all
the way from the elevator,
- and a little drizzle hit me on the lip.
- Oh.
And worst of all, he talks
through all the lines.
I can't hear what's happening
in the program.
You know what? We had
a rule at my house.
Before anyone talks,
they got to say "pause,"
and then we just pause the TV.
We call it the "Aunt Eunice
Rule," after my Aunt Eunice.
I'll tell you, that woman
never knows who that is
or why they doing that or how
come they going in there.
That's great! A pause rule.
Why didn't I think of that?
Oh. Oopsie.
- You got a yucky.
- Oh.
- Yucky, yucky, yucky, ooh!
- Yeah, you know what? It's okay.
Okay, yeah. Thank you.
I, uh... I got it.
What?
Well...
It's just... have you ever noticed
how sometimes you treat me
like I'm a... baby?
Do I?
Little bit. Little bit.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
I guess I'm just so used to
being around kids all the time,
I don't even realize I'm doing it.
You know what?
That actually makes sense.
Sometimes when I'm preparing for a role,
I take my work home with me.
I once played a homeless guy
and didn't shower for a week.
And how was that for you?
It was probably harder
for the people around me.
Hey, do you want a massage?
I give a really good one.
- Come on, let me, let me. Let me.
- Uh, okay, okay.
That would be... amazing.
Oh, my God.
Sara, that is fantastic.
Thank you.
♪ Crack an egg on your head,
let the yolk drip down ♪
♪ Yolk drip down, yolk drip down! ♪
Um, I'm sorry.
What is happening right now?
♪ Cool breeze, tight squeeze ♪
♪ Now you've got the,
now you've got the... ♪
Please stop all that.
But I didn't give you the chills.
Oh, but you have.
Oh, goodness, I hope that...
Harry, remember the rule.
Yes, of course.
Uh, pause.
Yes?
Well, now I forget.
Wait. Pause.
That guy in yellow looks
like a friend of mine.
Pauses are just for
bathroom breaks and questions.
Fine.
Pause.
I know I just took a bathroom break,
but now that you mentioned it,
I feel like I have to go again.
Nope. False alarm.
Un-pause.
Harry, I just remembered why
we started watching television
in separate rooms in the first place.
- What was it?
- You.
I don't mean to hurt your feelings,
but this is becoming
really unpleasant for me.
Well, it's unpleasant for me, too!
- Wait. Really?
- I am in hell!
With you here, I can't
chew the way I like to,
and I-I can't scratch
places that I want to.
And I can't do that thing I do
to get the itch out of my throat.
So this is you holding back?
I've been wanting to
do that for two days.
Harry, I've never felt closer to you.
That is why I'm leaving
to watch in the bedroom.
Guys, I am sorry,
but I had to break up with her.
You dumped our nanny?
Josh, we talked about this.
But you don't understand.
She treated me like a baby.
And not like, "Ooh. Ooh, baby."
Like a literal baby.
- What do you mean?
- I mean, she burped me.
Ew! I don't want to know this!
Know what? The truth
about your perfect nanny.
Your perfect nanny
stuck her hand down my pants
to check if I was wet.
- Oh!
- Stop it!
Oh, but there's more.
She asked me to set up a play date
for my pee-pee and her wee-wee.
- Oh. Pee-pee?
- Wee-wee?
I'm sorry, she may be a great nanny,
but she is not the girl for me.
She's a great nanny.
Yeah. Yeah, I mean,
we can get past this.
Yeah. We're not gonna
let him ruin her for us.
Yeah, yeah, like, who cares
if she's a weird girlfriend?
- Wyatt loves her.
- Yeah, we love her.
- Yeah. We can make this work.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, guys!
- Hi.
- Hi. How was the park?
Great.
Somebody made a big pee-pee
with his wee-wee.
- You have to fire her.
- I know a guy.
All right, all right.
Hey, creepy baby lady.
Uh, put down those diapers.
Uh, you out. Come on.
Pause.
Yes, my darling.
I just want to say
how much I am enjoying
watching the same program at
the same time in separate rooms.
I love that, too.
Mm.
Judy?
- Yes, Harry?
- Can you believe
how the mad men drank so much at work?
Those were the days.
What are we doing tomorrow?
We'll talk about that tomorrow.
Hey, did you understand...?
Shutting the door, Harry!