9JKL (2017–2018): Season 1, Episode 10 - The Family Plot - full transcript
Oh!
Boys, we have very exciting news.
We bought burial plots.
For all of us.
Burial plots?
I don't want to think
about this. It's too sad.
But what's even sadder
is not having planned ahead
and having to go
to the bad part of the cemetery
like poor Uncle Murray.
Oh, his plot
was so far away from the parking lot,
even if we had liked him,
we didn't want to visit.
So, what, you met
with an estate planner?
No, no. I got a pop-up advertisement
- and got a great deal on the plots.
- Mm-hmm.
It just popped up.
Yeah, I saw it happen.
It wasn't there, and then, pop, it was.
And we now have
four gorgeous plots
under a big oak tree.
Four plots? What about Eve?
Wha... Hmm?
And what about my future wife
who I hope to meet someday?
Josh, you tried marriage.
It didn't work.
Just be buried with your mother.
No, thank you. Not doing it.
Come on, you guys could spoon
for all eternity.
Okay, you know what?
I was here, and then, pop, I wasn't.
I guess that means Eve is in.
Well, Harry, try to be positive.
Josh may still wind up alone
and want to join us.
Okay. Feel better, buddy.
I'm so sorry, sis; I can't go
to the concert with you now.
- Why not?
- 'Cause Ernesto has a mouth rash,
which is extra nasty because
we share a whistle.
So, how about you just give me
the tickets to the concert,
and I'll go with someone else?
- Like who?
- Don't worry, not a guy.
I'll call Debbie.
Ooh, Fat Debbie or Skinny Debbie?
Fat Debbie.
Ooh, tell her I said "what up."
- All right, I'll see you in a minute.
- Okay.
Okay. Well, well, well. Look at
my man getting some sweet action.
- Oh, no, no, no, no. See, that's...
- Don't "oh, no, no" me.
You dish it out when I'm with a girl.
So, did you feel like a pirate
when you plundered that booty?
That was my sister.
I did not know that was your sister.
If I had, I wouldn't
have mentioned her booty,
and certainly not your plundering of it.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- So sorry.
Well, Debbie can't go to the concert.
Just as well.
The seats at the arena
are pretty narrow.
Oh, Josh, uh, this is my sister, Toni.
Toni, this is Josh.
He lives in the building.
With his parents.
Next to my parents. Hi.
Hi. I was supposed to take Toni
to see Chance The Rapper, but, uh,
I got to stay and cover for Ernesto.
Ah, so I guess you missed your chance
to see the rapper.
Lame wordplay's not gonna help, Josh.
Well...
But, um, would you step
- into the office really quick?
- Sure.
Okay. Hey, so, you're...
you're an upstanding guy.
Right? Uh, do you think
that maybe you could take
Toni to the concert?
Oh. Uh, well, actually,
I don't have plans tonight.
- Shocking.
- Look.
You'd really be helping me out.
I'd feel a lot better if I knew
someone I trusted is with her.
Uh, yeah, sure.
I'd be happy to take her.
Ay, yo, Tone.
Your big brother just got you
a plus-one for the show.
And I will be that plus-one.
Your parents bought us burial plots?
Yes. And I know what you're
gonna say, but don't worry.
I'll take the one next to my mother.
Consider it my parting gift to you.
That's very nice
in a morbid kind of way,
- but I'm getting cremated.
- Cremated?
- Yeah. Told you that.
- No, you haven't.
Yes, I have. It's something
that I've always wanted.
Other kids wanted to play in the ocean,
I wanted to have my ashes spread in it.
So you can be run over by a cruise ship
or sucked into a Jet Ski?
The ocean is just so free
and peaceful. Ooh.
Maybe if Wyatt dumps me in Malibu,
James Franco will swim in me.
We should be buried.
That way there's a place
for our son and various
other admirers to mourn us.
And they're going to mourn hard.
Andrew, you know I'm claustrophobic.
I can't stand the thought of being close
to all that dirt and bugs and...
your mother.
Forget about her.
We can be buried anywhere.
The point is we're together forever.
Oh, babe, that's so sweet.
But maybe we go with what
the guy at our wedding said.
Remember? "Till death do you part."
I took that as a question.
"Do you part?" No, you don't.
So get cremated with me.
I don't even like
to be under a heat lamp.
Well, Nick must really trust you.
He didn't text me once during the show.
Oh, he usually does?
Oh, yeah. Like, if I had gone
with Debbie tonight,
he would have been all like,
"Don't drink too much.
"Don't talk to any guys.
Ay, hit me with a picture
of Debbie's butt."
Believe me, I understand having a
relative who loves you way too much.
Oh, that's right.
You live with your parents.
Next to. They're very happy
that I just moved back
here from Los Angeles.
Well, one of my girlfriends
just got a job in San Francisco.
She wants me to go with her.
Oh, my God. San Francisco's great.
Well, Nick doesn't think I should do it.
You know, I know how you feel.
My mother has always gotten
way too involved in my life,
but I reached a point where
I just put my foot down.
And of course, that's her.
Uh, she gets nervous if I don't answer.
Mmm.
What, Mom?
Yes, I will bring home
vanilla ice cream.
Good-bye.
Foot's not totally down,
but it's getting there.
♪ ♪
Eve doesn't want the plot.
- Why?
- Apparently, she's getting cremated.
When?
So, I guess it's just the
three of us down there.
Well, what are we gonna do
with the extra plot?
We could give it to my mother.
Over my dead body.
Well, yeah.
Maybe you could sell it.
I don't want to spend eternity
next to somebody I don't know.
Well, how about to one of your friends.
Just not the one who used to kiss me
with that scraggly mustache...
I don't like her.
A friend is a good idea,
but it would be much easier
to move a pair.
We don't have a pair; we have Andrew.
But if we didn't have Andrew...
You have got to be kidding me.
Are you seriously kicking me out?
Only if we could sell the plots.
Great. Now no one wants
to be buried with me.
♪ ♪
So, even though my parents really
wanted me to go to law school,
I chose to become an actor,
and I've never regretted it.
Except for the part where
my show got canceled
and I now live next to my parents.
It's really brave of you
to just go for it.
I know I'm gonna regret
not going to San Francisco.
Well, then you should go.
I mean, if you want something,
you've got to go get it.
You know, I wasn't sure
about going to a concert
with someone I didn't know,
but... this has been great.
Well, I'm just glad I could...
Whoa. Uh...
I did not see that coming.
Well, you said if I
really want something,
I should go get it.
I did, but I didn't mean...
I...
We can't do this.
- Oh, my God. I'm so embarrassed.
- No, no, no, don't be.
- No, I completely misread that vibe.
- No, you didn't, you didn't.
It's just... you're Nick's sister.
And if I wasn't?
Well... then yeah.
Of course.
So you're seeing
something you really want?
Yeah.
Then go get it.
You know what? It's not just
that you want to be cremated.
Oh, cool. We're still on this.
It is that we are supposed to be a team.
We are a team.
We're married. We have a child together.
We split a tuna melt
like it's nobody's business.
It isn't anybody's business...
I do not want it to get out
that I can't finish my own tuna melt.
The cremation thing bothers me,
because it's an example
of how you can be...
a bit of a lone wolf.
I prefer to think of myself
as "delightfully independent."
It's one of the things
you fell in love with.
You were a refreshing change of pace
from my previous girlfriends.
God, those girls made me miserable.
And I make you happy.
So come on, can we just...
cuddle on the couch and watch TV
and forget all this death talk?
- Yes. Yes, we can.
- Okay.
And don't forget... we
have the season finale
of Handmaid's Tale to watch.
Why does it say...
"resume watching"?
You were working late last night,
and there was nothing else on.
There was nothing else
on 7,000 channels?
Relax, it's just a TV show.
This, this is a perfect example
of how you do things
without considering me.
Oh, come on... Name one other time
I didn't consider you.
Uh, how about the time we
went scuba diving in Aruba
and you drove the boat back
to shore before I'd come up?
Well, that was before we
were married and had a child.
I am a different person now.
All right. Fine.
Let's just eat dinner.
I already ate.
Uh, Mom, I'm a little busy right now.
Hey, there he is!
- I bought you some thank-you muffins.
- For what?
For taking care of my sister last night.
Yeah, you got it. Look,
right now is not a good time.
Oh, no, while I'm here,
let me take a look
at that leaky faucet
in the bathroom, man.
No, bathroom's broken. Toilet's clogged.
- I'm embarrassed.
- Oh, man, I'm not scared.
You seen the type of things
I pulled out of toilets...
Diapers, ferrets...
Ooh, this one time, I had...
- No, and I would take you up...
- Josh?
The shower's hot and so am I.
Oh, my damn!
No, you...
Oh, my damn!
Wait, what are you doing here, Toni?
- What's she doing here, Josh?!
- Okay, after the show,
we were having pizza and we were talking
about stuff,
and it just kind of happened.
Oh, "just kind of happened,"
just like that.
"It just kind of happened!"
- Yes, it just kind of...
- Nick, I'm a grown-up.
I can take care of myself.
I wanted to do this.
I'm-a be sick. Hold on.
I'm gonna throw up, I'm gonna throw up.
What's all this commotion?
Josh slept with my sister!
Man, I can't believe you would have
a one-night stand with my sister.
Nick, it's wasn't a one-night stand.
We're having dinner tonight.
Oh, yeah, yeah, well,
we gonna see about that.
He did nothing wrong, and neither did I.
You know what? This isn't over.
Not to overstate the obvious,
but I know where you live.
Would we want to be buried
with Dave and Susie Wiseman?
Oh, please. I can barely
get through a meal with them,
let alone the afterlife.
Oh, I know. The Borensteins.
Well, the Borensteins
would be a fine idea
if they weren't both already dead.
I'm notifying my Rolodex.
Oh, this is good. Ira and Enid Reiger.
- I like it!
- Yeah.
Their son's a florist, and we'll
be swimming in fresh flowers.
Plus they give a lot to charity,
and we could use a little of that karma.
Nick, look, I'm really sorry
about what happened, but I...
Hey, no apology necessary.
Let's just go back
to our original relationship
as employee and
building resident who sucks.
Fine. Did I get a package today?
You did.
- Okay. Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hey.
- Hey. Where you been?
Oh, just sitting by an ice patch
watching douchey investment
bankers slip and fall.
You did our favorite date
night activity without me?
Should I not have done that?
Because I also went
and picked up a cupcake
from our favorite place on the way home.
Let me guess. You did not get me one.
I did not.
I guess I failed to consider you.
That must feel terrible.
I know what you're doing,
and it's not gonna work.
I'm not mad.
Damn it, Eve, if cupcakes
and people falling doesn't
get a rise out of you,
we might as well just cremate you now
'cause you're already dead.
We have been over this.
I'm just independent.
You're too independent.
You live your life
like you're on your own island.
Married people do things together.
They decide things together.
They eat and watch TV
and are buried together.
It sounds like you want us to
be suffocatingly codependent.
At this point, I would love that!
Please forgive us
for this temporary delay.
What? What is happening here?
We are experiencing
technical difficulties.
Come on, Nick.
While you wait,
please enjoy this hold music.
♪ Doo, doo, doo, doo ♪
Nick?
- ♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo ♪
- Nick?!
Nick, what's your plan here?
Y-You gonna keep me trapped
in this elevator forever?
I don't know. I'm a millennial.
I don't plan ahead.
Do you really want your sister
sitting there
in the restaurant alone waiting for me?
She won't be. I already texted
her that you're not coming,
and she was pissed.
Oh, Joshy, Joshy, Josh, Josh.
You know you get no cell service
in the elevator.
It's like a dropped pass.
- No reception. Bye.
- Nick? Nick?
Nick? Nick?
Oh, it's so nice to see you.
You both look wonderful.
Enid, you should get
your hips replaced more often.
I've gotten back
into rhythmic gymnastics.
- Oh.
- Which works for me.
Seriously, we're so glad you called.
It's-it's been forever.
Oh, speaking of forever...
Well,
we actually invited you over
to make you a rather delicate proposal.
We're choosing you
out of all the couples we know
because we feel
we have a certain compatibility.
- What we're trying to ask is...
- Yes,
we'll have a foursome with you.
What?
You mean for bridge?
No, Harry, the sex kind.
Oh.
They're perverts.
We were going to ask you if you
wanted to buy two burial plots.
Oh. Well, we already bought our plots,
but thank you.
Well, okay. We'll see you
around the neighborhood.
Uh, good luck with the burial plots.
Oh. Good luck with... your thing.
Oh. Hey, Ernesto.
Señor.
Ian, where's Nick?
I thought he was working tonight.
He was, but he was so upset,
he went home.
Toni called and said she's gonna
move to San Francisco.
- Huh.
- All thanks to you.
Hey, I just gave her a little advice.
That's not how Nick sees it.
As far as he's concerned, you
bought her a first-class ticket
and gave her a ride to the airport.
I got to go talk to him.
Hey.
I thought about it, and if
it's that important to you,
we can be buried together.
What made you change your mind?
Well, I felt bad
that I made you feel bad,
so I went to J. Crew
to buy you a present.
What did you get me?
A sweater dress, strappy heels
and a bunch of other stuff
that looks great on me.
Andrew, you're right.
Sometimes I don't consider you.
Uh, yeah.
And I want us to be a team,
so let's be buried together.
And what about the dirt
and the bugs and my mother?
To be honest, only one of those things
really gives me the creeps.
Well, I appreciate the
offer, but let's compromise.
You still get cremated,
but we sprinkle half
of you in the ocean...
And the other half on my grave.
Deal. I love you.
I love you, too.
All right, let's watch the
next episode of Ray Donovan.
Oh.
- You already watched it, didn't you?
- Yup.
What you here for,
to make a move on my pet turtle?
I just wanted to talk.
Mm. Talking is how it started with Toni.
Should I be worried?
Nick, I don't think this is
really about me and your sister.
Yeah, it is.
What I mean is, I think
there's a bigger issue here.
She decided to move, Josh,
thanks to you.
She's an adult who
made her own decision.
And, look, she'll be fine.
She's smart and strong
and totally capable.
Yeah, and I worked hard
to make sure of that.
What do you mean?
After we lost my dad,
my mom had to work two,
sometimes three jobs to support us.
And I had to step up
and look out for Toni.
Man, the proudest day of my life
was her college graduation.
And that's why you shouldn't
be upset she's moving.
You should still be proud
that she's brave enough to
do this, and-and psyched
that you get to watch all
the great things she'll do.
Yeah, maybe.
You, like, won, dude.
You don't want her to resent you
for standing in her way, do you?
Nah, maybe I should, uh...
Maybe I should stop being so protective.
And like a parent, you have to let go.
Like your parents?
No, like normal parents.
You know, maybe a...
maybe a change of scenery, you know,
wouldn't be the worst thing for Toni.
And then, uh, I'd have a reason
to go visit her in Cali,
and I, for one, think I would do very
nicely with the California girls.
No doubt. No doubt.
Yeah.
So we good?
Yeah, we're good, man.
Cool.
- Hey, is this your mom?
- Wow.
- Where does it stop for you?
- No, no, no. I was...
- I want this picture down. Put it down.
- Okay. Okay.
Oh, that's wonderful, Elaine.
See you soon. Bye.
Elaine Karchmer is in for one plot.
She never married.
- That's right. No man could stand her.
- Ah.
Looks like Andrew's back in.
Just e-mailed him.
That's good. A boy should
stay close to his mother.
So, I watched some videos of foursomes,
and I don't think we're flexible enough.
A threesome I understand, but four?
I wouldn't even know
who would put what where.
There are just some things we
will never do in this lifetime.
But we've done a lot, haven't we, Harry?
We sure have.
You have any regrets?
Only that I can't go back and
do it all over again with you.
Me, too.
Hi, guys. So,
I've been thinking a lot about family,
and if the plot's still available...
I'll take it.
Oh, Joshy, that's wonderful.
Hey, I just got the e-mail. I'm back in?
You have got to be kidding me!
Boys, we have very exciting news.
We bought burial plots.
For all of us.
Burial plots?
I don't want to think
about this. It's too sad.
But what's even sadder
is not having planned ahead
and having to go
to the bad part of the cemetery
like poor Uncle Murray.
Oh, his plot
was so far away from the parking lot,
even if we had liked him,
we didn't want to visit.
So, what, you met
with an estate planner?
No, no. I got a pop-up advertisement
- and got a great deal on the plots.
- Mm-hmm.
It just popped up.
Yeah, I saw it happen.
It wasn't there, and then, pop, it was.
And we now have
four gorgeous plots
under a big oak tree.
Four plots? What about Eve?
Wha... Hmm?
And what about my future wife
who I hope to meet someday?
Josh, you tried marriage.
It didn't work.
Just be buried with your mother.
No, thank you. Not doing it.
Come on, you guys could spoon
for all eternity.
Okay, you know what?
I was here, and then, pop, I wasn't.
I guess that means Eve is in.
Well, Harry, try to be positive.
Josh may still wind up alone
and want to join us.
Okay. Feel better, buddy.
I'm so sorry, sis; I can't go
to the concert with you now.
- Why not?
- 'Cause Ernesto has a mouth rash,
which is extra nasty because
we share a whistle.
So, how about you just give me
the tickets to the concert,
and I'll go with someone else?
- Like who?
- Don't worry, not a guy.
I'll call Debbie.
Ooh, Fat Debbie or Skinny Debbie?
Fat Debbie.
Ooh, tell her I said "what up."
- All right, I'll see you in a minute.
- Okay.
Okay. Well, well, well. Look at
my man getting some sweet action.
- Oh, no, no, no, no. See, that's...
- Don't "oh, no, no" me.
You dish it out when I'm with a girl.
So, did you feel like a pirate
when you plundered that booty?
That was my sister.
I did not know that was your sister.
If I had, I wouldn't
have mentioned her booty,
and certainly not your plundering of it.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- So sorry.
Well, Debbie can't go to the concert.
Just as well.
The seats at the arena
are pretty narrow.
Oh, Josh, uh, this is my sister, Toni.
Toni, this is Josh.
He lives in the building.
With his parents.
Next to my parents. Hi.
Hi. I was supposed to take Toni
to see Chance The Rapper, but, uh,
I got to stay and cover for Ernesto.
Ah, so I guess you missed your chance
to see the rapper.
Lame wordplay's not gonna help, Josh.
Well...
But, um, would you step
- into the office really quick?
- Sure.
Okay. Hey, so, you're...
you're an upstanding guy.
Right? Uh, do you think
that maybe you could take
Toni to the concert?
Oh. Uh, well, actually,
I don't have plans tonight.
- Shocking.
- Look.
You'd really be helping me out.
I'd feel a lot better if I knew
someone I trusted is with her.
Uh, yeah, sure.
I'd be happy to take her.
Ay, yo, Tone.
Your big brother just got you
a plus-one for the show.
And I will be that plus-one.
Your parents bought us burial plots?
Yes. And I know what you're
gonna say, but don't worry.
I'll take the one next to my mother.
Consider it my parting gift to you.
That's very nice
in a morbid kind of way,
- but I'm getting cremated.
- Cremated?
- Yeah. Told you that.
- No, you haven't.
Yes, I have. It's something
that I've always wanted.
Other kids wanted to play in the ocean,
I wanted to have my ashes spread in it.
So you can be run over by a cruise ship
or sucked into a Jet Ski?
The ocean is just so free
and peaceful. Ooh.
Maybe if Wyatt dumps me in Malibu,
James Franco will swim in me.
We should be buried.
That way there's a place
for our son and various
other admirers to mourn us.
And they're going to mourn hard.
Andrew, you know I'm claustrophobic.
I can't stand the thought of being close
to all that dirt and bugs and...
your mother.
Forget about her.
We can be buried anywhere.
The point is we're together forever.
Oh, babe, that's so sweet.
But maybe we go with what
the guy at our wedding said.
Remember? "Till death do you part."
I took that as a question.
"Do you part?" No, you don't.
So get cremated with me.
I don't even like
to be under a heat lamp.
Well, Nick must really trust you.
He didn't text me once during the show.
Oh, he usually does?
Oh, yeah. Like, if I had gone
with Debbie tonight,
he would have been all like,
"Don't drink too much.
"Don't talk to any guys.
Ay, hit me with a picture
of Debbie's butt."
Believe me, I understand having a
relative who loves you way too much.
Oh, that's right.
You live with your parents.
Next to. They're very happy
that I just moved back
here from Los Angeles.
Well, one of my girlfriends
just got a job in San Francisco.
She wants me to go with her.
Oh, my God. San Francisco's great.
Well, Nick doesn't think I should do it.
You know, I know how you feel.
My mother has always gotten
way too involved in my life,
but I reached a point where
I just put my foot down.
And of course, that's her.
Uh, she gets nervous if I don't answer.
Mmm.
What, Mom?
Yes, I will bring home
vanilla ice cream.
Good-bye.
Foot's not totally down,
but it's getting there.
♪ ♪
Eve doesn't want the plot.
- Why?
- Apparently, she's getting cremated.
When?
So, I guess it's just the
three of us down there.
Well, what are we gonna do
with the extra plot?
We could give it to my mother.
Over my dead body.
Well, yeah.
Maybe you could sell it.
I don't want to spend eternity
next to somebody I don't know.
Well, how about to one of your friends.
Just not the one who used to kiss me
with that scraggly mustache...
I don't like her.
A friend is a good idea,
but it would be much easier
to move a pair.
We don't have a pair; we have Andrew.
But if we didn't have Andrew...
You have got to be kidding me.
Are you seriously kicking me out?
Only if we could sell the plots.
Great. Now no one wants
to be buried with me.
♪ ♪
So, even though my parents really
wanted me to go to law school,
I chose to become an actor,
and I've never regretted it.
Except for the part where
my show got canceled
and I now live next to my parents.
It's really brave of you
to just go for it.
I know I'm gonna regret
not going to San Francisco.
Well, then you should go.
I mean, if you want something,
you've got to go get it.
You know, I wasn't sure
about going to a concert
with someone I didn't know,
but... this has been great.
Well, I'm just glad I could...
Whoa. Uh...
I did not see that coming.
Well, you said if I
really want something,
I should go get it.
I did, but I didn't mean...
I...
We can't do this.
- Oh, my God. I'm so embarrassed.
- No, no, no, don't be.
- No, I completely misread that vibe.
- No, you didn't, you didn't.
It's just... you're Nick's sister.
And if I wasn't?
Well... then yeah.
Of course.
So you're seeing
something you really want?
Yeah.
Then go get it.
You know what? It's not just
that you want to be cremated.
Oh, cool. We're still on this.
It is that we are supposed to be a team.
We are a team.
We're married. We have a child together.
We split a tuna melt
like it's nobody's business.
It isn't anybody's business...
I do not want it to get out
that I can't finish my own tuna melt.
The cremation thing bothers me,
because it's an example
of how you can be...
a bit of a lone wolf.
I prefer to think of myself
as "delightfully independent."
It's one of the things
you fell in love with.
You were a refreshing change of pace
from my previous girlfriends.
God, those girls made me miserable.
And I make you happy.
So come on, can we just...
cuddle on the couch and watch TV
and forget all this death talk?
- Yes. Yes, we can.
- Okay.
And don't forget... we
have the season finale
of Handmaid's Tale to watch.
Why does it say...
"resume watching"?
You were working late last night,
and there was nothing else on.
There was nothing else
on 7,000 channels?
Relax, it's just a TV show.
This, this is a perfect example
of how you do things
without considering me.
Oh, come on... Name one other time
I didn't consider you.
Uh, how about the time we
went scuba diving in Aruba
and you drove the boat back
to shore before I'd come up?
Well, that was before we
were married and had a child.
I am a different person now.
All right. Fine.
Let's just eat dinner.
I already ate.
Uh, Mom, I'm a little busy right now.
Hey, there he is!
- I bought you some thank-you muffins.
- For what?
For taking care of my sister last night.
Yeah, you got it. Look,
right now is not a good time.
Oh, no, while I'm here,
let me take a look
at that leaky faucet
in the bathroom, man.
No, bathroom's broken. Toilet's clogged.
- I'm embarrassed.
- Oh, man, I'm not scared.
You seen the type of things
I pulled out of toilets...
Diapers, ferrets...
Ooh, this one time, I had...
- No, and I would take you up...
- Josh?
The shower's hot and so am I.
Oh, my damn!
No, you...
Oh, my damn!
Wait, what are you doing here, Toni?
- What's she doing here, Josh?!
- Okay, after the show,
we were having pizza and we were talking
about stuff,
and it just kind of happened.
Oh, "just kind of happened,"
just like that.
"It just kind of happened!"
- Yes, it just kind of...
- Nick, I'm a grown-up.
I can take care of myself.
I wanted to do this.
I'm-a be sick. Hold on.
I'm gonna throw up, I'm gonna throw up.
What's all this commotion?
Josh slept with my sister!
Man, I can't believe you would have
a one-night stand with my sister.
Nick, it's wasn't a one-night stand.
We're having dinner tonight.
Oh, yeah, yeah, well,
we gonna see about that.
He did nothing wrong, and neither did I.
You know what? This isn't over.
Not to overstate the obvious,
but I know where you live.
Would we want to be buried
with Dave and Susie Wiseman?
Oh, please. I can barely
get through a meal with them,
let alone the afterlife.
Oh, I know. The Borensteins.
Well, the Borensteins
would be a fine idea
if they weren't both already dead.
I'm notifying my Rolodex.
Oh, this is good. Ira and Enid Reiger.
- I like it!
- Yeah.
Their son's a florist, and we'll
be swimming in fresh flowers.
Plus they give a lot to charity,
and we could use a little of that karma.
Nick, look, I'm really sorry
about what happened, but I...
Hey, no apology necessary.
Let's just go back
to our original relationship
as employee and
building resident who sucks.
Fine. Did I get a package today?
You did.
- Okay. Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hey.
- Hey. Where you been?
Oh, just sitting by an ice patch
watching douchey investment
bankers slip and fall.
You did our favorite date
night activity without me?
Should I not have done that?
Because I also went
and picked up a cupcake
from our favorite place on the way home.
Let me guess. You did not get me one.
I did not.
I guess I failed to consider you.
That must feel terrible.
I know what you're doing,
and it's not gonna work.
I'm not mad.
Damn it, Eve, if cupcakes
and people falling doesn't
get a rise out of you,
we might as well just cremate you now
'cause you're already dead.
We have been over this.
I'm just independent.
You're too independent.
You live your life
like you're on your own island.
Married people do things together.
They decide things together.
They eat and watch TV
and are buried together.
It sounds like you want us to
be suffocatingly codependent.
At this point, I would love that!
Please forgive us
for this temporary delay.
What? What is happening here?
We are experiencing
technical difficulties.
Come on, Nick.
While you wait,
please enjoy this hold music.
♪ Doo, doo, doo, doo ♪
Nick?
- ♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo ♪
- Nick?!
Nick, what's your plan here?
Y-You gonna keep me trapped
in this elevator forever?
I don't know. I'm a millennial.
I don't plan ahead.
Do you really want your sister
sitting there
in the restaurant alone waiting for me?
She won't be. I already texted
her that you're not coming,
and she was pissed.
Oh, Joshy, Joshy, Josh, Josh.
You know you get no cell service
in the elevator.
It's like a dropped pass.
- No reception. Bye.
- Nick? Nick?
Nick? Nick?
Oh, it's so nice to see you.
You both look wonderful.
Enid, you should get
your hips replaced more often.
I've gotten back
into rhythmic gymnastics.
- Oh.
- Which works for me.
Seriously, we're so glad you called.
It's-it's been forever.
Oh, speaking of forever...
Well,
we actually invited you over
to make you a rather delicate proposal.
We're choosing you
out of all the couples we know
because we feel
we have a certain compatibility.
- What we're trying to ask is...
- Yes,
we'll have a foursome with you.
What?
You mean for bridge?
No, Harry, the sex kind.
Oh.
They're perverts.
We were going to ask you if you
wanted to buy two burial plots.
Oh. Well, we already bought our plots,
but thank you.
Well, okay. We'll see you
around the neighborhood.
Uh, good luck with the burial plots.
Oh. Good luck with... your thing.
Oh. Hey, Ernesto.
Señor.
Ian, where's Nick?
I thought he was working tonight.
He was, but he was so upset,
he went home.
Toni called and said she's gonna
move to San Francisco.
- Huh.
- All thanks to you.
Hey, I just gave her a little advice.
That's not how Nick sees it.
As far as he's concerned, you
bought her a first-class ticket
and gave her a ride to the airport.
I got to go talk to him.
Hey.
I thought about it, and if
it's that important to you,
we can be buried together.
What made you change your mind?
Well, I felt bad
that I made you feel bad,
so I went to J. Crew
to buy you a present.
What did you get me?
A sweater dress, strappy heels
and a bunch of other stuff
that looks great on me.
Andrew, you're right.
Sometimes I don't consider you.
Uh, yeah.
And I want us to be a team,
so let's be buried together.
And what about the dirt
and the bugs and my mother?
To be honest, only one of those things
really gives me the creeps.
Well, I appreciate the
offer, but let's compromise.
You still get cremated,
but we sprinkle half
of you in the ocean...
And the other half on my grave.
Deal. I love you.
I love you, too.
All right, let's watch the
next episode of Ray Donovan.
Oh.
- You already watched it, didn't you?
- Yup.
What you here for,
to make a move on my pet turtle?
I just wanted to talk.
Mm. Talking is how it started with Toni.
Should I be worried?
Nick, I don't think this is
really about me and your sister.
Yeah, it is.
What I mean is, I think
there's a bigger issue here.
She decided to move, Josh,
thanks to you.
She's an adult who
made her own decision.
And, look, she'll be fine.
She's smart and strong
and totally capable.
Yeah, and I worked hard
to make sure of that.
What do you mean?
After we lost my dad,
my mom had to work two,
sometimes three jobs to support us.
And I had to step up
and look out for Toni.
Man, the proudest day of my life
was her college graduation.
And that's why you shouldn't
be upset she's moving.
You should still be proud
that she's brave enough to
do this, and-and psyched
that you get to watch all
the great things she'll do.
Yeah, maybe.
You, like, won, dude.
You don't want her to resent you
for standing in her way, do you?
Nah, maybe I should, uh...
Maybe I should stop being so protective.
And like a parent, you have to let go.
Like your parents?
No, like normal parents.
You know, maybe a...
maybe a change of scenery, you know,
wouldn't be the worst thing for Toni.
And then, uh, I'd have a reason
to go visit her in Cali,
and I, for one, think I would do very
nicely with the California girls.
No doubt. No doubt.
Yeah.
So we good?
Yeah, we're good, man.
Cool.
- Hey, is this your mom?
- Wow.
- Where does it stop for you?
- No, no, no. I was...
- I want this picture down. Put it down.
- Okay. Okay.
Oh, that's wonderful, Elaine.
See you soon. Bye.
Elaine Karchmer is in for one plot.
She never married.
- That's right. No man could stand her.
- Ah.
Looks like Andrew's back in.
Just e-mailed him.
That's good. A boy should
stay close to his mother.
So, I watched some videos of foursomes,
and I don't think we're flexible enough.
A threesome I understand, but four?
I wouldn't even know
who would put what where.
There are just some things we
will never do in this lifetime.
But we've done a lot, haven't we, Harry?
We sure have.
You have any regrets?
Only that I can't go back and
do it all over again with you.
Me, too.
Hi, guys. So,
I've been thinking a lot about family,
and if the plot's still available...
I'll take it.
Oh, Joshy, that's wonderful.
Hey, I just got the e-mail. I'm back in?
You have got to be kidding me!