9JKL (2017–2018): Season 1, Episode 3 - Cool Friend Luke - full transcript

Um, why are you in my apartment?

It's date night. Shh.

Why are you having date night
in my apartment?

We do every time you go out.

So, not a lot.

We like it in here.
We don't have to worry

about waking the baby.

Or spilling wine on our own furniture,

which is a lot nicer than
yours. I mean, look.

Guacamole from last
week, and no big deal.

Well, at least you're not
having sex in my bed.



So, why are you home so early?

Uh, 'cause every one of my friends

is now married with kids

and gets tired at 9:00.

I need to find some new friends.

Or at least someone cool
and fun to hang out with.

I'm cool and fun.
I'll hang out with you.

Do you two also have date night
in my apartment?

No, but Mommy sends me over here
to clip my toenails.

So, what cool and fun things
should we do together?

The girls at my Zumba class are
dying to put a face with the name.

Yeah, that's pretty much the
opposite of what I had in mind.

But, Judy, our Joshua is a stallion,

and he needs another stallion
to run wild with



across the open plains.

Oh. I always liked that Barry Stein.

He could be a new friend.

Barry Stein? Isn't he the guy

who used to let his ferret
drink out of his mouth?

Yeah, but you probably
wouldn't have to do that.

So, not to be rude,
but are you guys staying?

'Cause we'd love
to get back to our movie.

Oh, my bad. We're going.

- Oh, really? Great.
- No, this is my home.

- Get out.
- Oh.

- Good-bye.
- Okay, we're leaving.

Oh, I thought they'd never leave.

- What up, fellas?
- Hey, I just thought

of a good Christmas gift for you.

Sweatpants.

Okay. Thank you.

Hey, my man, Luke. What up?

I see you got
a late start today. What's up?

Yeah, had kind of a crazy night.
Went out for a slice,

bumped into some guy...
He end up being Derek Jeter.

Next thing you know,
I'm playing beer pong

in the clubhouse with half the Yankees.

- Cool. Whoa.
- Totally relate.

What's up, man? I'm Luke.

- Hey. I'm Josh.
- Josh.

Oh, nice bike.

- Thanks, man.
- Wait.

Are you the guy from Blind Cop?

Uh, yeah. In retrospect,
it wasn't the best...

Man, I love that show!

Oh, cool.

Yeah. Wait.

“Smells like crime in here.”

So, where are you riding?

I usually do the loop
in Central Park. What about you?

Driving up to the Hudson Valley.

They got a bunch
of secret trails up there.

Oh, man, that sounds awesome.

- Man, you would love it.
- I bet I would.

- Yeah, you would.
- Yeah.

Ugh, I see enough of this
at middle school dances.

Why don't you two go together?

- Oh, I wouldn't want to...
- I mean, don't feel like you have to...

- I mean, I'd love to...
- If you want to...

- No, you probably have a thing.
- Are you sure?

Seriously, man, I'd love the company.

Okay. Yeah, cool.

It's kind of an all-day thing.
You got the time?

I can juggle some stuff around.

Not in those shorts, you can't.

Okay, I'm gonna grab...

Yeah, thank you.

Thanks to these hands,

the population of our fair city
remains exactly the same.

You know, someone dies in
New York every nine minutes.

Why can't there be more of me?

What's the Flergen?

Oh, it's Wyatt's new playpen.

Just got here from Denmark.

I got him the most expensive one

so I feel less guilty
about being a working mom.

- Hey, what's up, Eve?
- Hey.

- Ready to put that playpen together.
- Cool. Have at it.

Thanks.

Boy, look at you
in that little doctor outfit.

Uh, why'd you call Nick
to put the playpen together?

Uh, 'cause my dad was busy,
and I have to work.

Uh, hello?

Hi.

N-No. I mean, hi, I can do it.

I just sawed open a man's chest

and put his heart together.

I can handle a playpen.

You're a brilliant surgeon,

but that's just a human body.

This... is the Flergen.

You don't think I can do it?

Oh, oh, this...

this girl.

Do you even know
where we keep the toolbox?

- Under the sink.
- Nope.

- Hall closet.
- Colder.

Trick question. We don't have one.

Nailed it.

Thanks again, Nick.

Money's on the counter.

Hey, it's all good, man. I got this.

You just relax, watch some TV,

maybe have a little white wine.

Yeah, maybe I will have some white wine

as a victory bev
after I build the Flergen.

- This guy.
- Hmm.

Thank you, Nick,

but your services are no longer needed.

That's fine by me.

Uh, that said, I do have
a 24-hour cancellation policy,

so I'm-a buy myself a turtle.

Dude, that was an epic day.

Thanks for coming. So nice
to have someone to ride with.

Totally. And thanks
for letting me drive your Jeep.

Hey, thank you for the ice cream.

Next time, it's on me, buddy.

I would like to invite

all my boring, married friends
to suck it.

Oh, thank God you're all right.

We thought you'd been hit
by a car or kidnapped.

Who's gonna kidnap me?

Oh, who wouldn't want
to kidnap that face?

I'm fine. I went on an all-day
bike ride with my new friend.

New friend? Joshua, did you
find yourself a stallion?

Oh, Harry, enough with the horses.

Come tell us all about him.

Yep. Okay, so, check this out.

No wife, no kids.

We're both into the outdoors.

Today was the most fun I've had
since I moved back to New York.

You mean except for being with us.

Of course. That goes without saying.

I'd like you to say it.

That wasn't with you.

- Aw.
- Oh.

- Yeah. How nice.
- Well,

we can't wait to meet this new friend.

Won't be hard. He lives in the building.

Really? Where?

Right above you in 10J.

- Uh-oh.
- Oh, no!

What? You know Luke?

Know him? I despise him.

Joshua, you picked the wrong stallion.

Look what he did.

That maniac let his bathtub overflow

and ruined our home.

Okay, first of all,
your home's not ruined.

And it's just
that little corner up there.

It haunts me.

In every room, it haunts me!

When Mommy asked him to fix it,

he said he didn't know
anything about it.

Have you ever?

And every time I run into him,

he puts his headphones on,
pretends he can't hear me.

And that's not easy to do.

Well, do you have any proof?

Oh, you sound
just like building management.

I keep telling her that
we should get it fixed

- and move on with our lives.
- No.

I refuse to pay for something
we did not do.

Because he did it!

Wow.

So, what, so you're just gonna hold
a grudge for the rest of your life?

Oh, this one I'm taking
into the great beyond.

You know your mother and her grudges.

We haven't eaten at
Hunan Palace since 1999.

They never brought my eggroll.

And Hunan Palace has
the best Peking duck.

I'm sorry, Josh.

For what?

Well, you like Luke, and, obviously,

you're never gonna see him again.

They bring it out sizzling in a platter.

We made plans
to go biking again tomorrow.

And I'm sure he'll be very disappointed

when you cancel them. Good.

The skin is so crispy.

I'm not canceling.

And the meat, the meat is so succulent.

I'm not gonna stop
being friends with Luke

just because you have
a problem with him.

Joshua, you take that back.

Or one...

- Stop counting, Mom...
- Two...

That doesn't work on me anymore.

Two and a half...

Three.

Yeah.

Harry, he said “three.”

That's a lot to think about.

I'm gonna take a walk.

You go to Hunan Palace,
do not come home.

Okay we are now ready
to move on to section D

of phase one of part four.

Please locate your umlan.

Uh, umlan.

They all look like umlans,
you stupid umlan.

And simply snap it into the schnergel.

Oh, yeah. I'll just snap it
into the schnerbel.

Now that you have snapped
the umlan into the schnergel,

find the plerbus.

Why did I ever even have a kid?!

- Ready?
- I am. Come on in.

- I just have to grab my bike.
- All right.

Hey, have you met your neighbor yet?

I mean, she is all types of nuts.

I have met her, 40 years ago,
when she gave birth to me.

Whoa. 9J Cray is your mom?

She has my umbilical cord
pressed in her diary

to prove it.

Dude, she has been
torturing me for years over

some plumbing thing I swear
I had nothing to do with.

She told me, and I believe you.
I just hope it's not gonna be

a problem for us, you know, hanging out.

- It won't.
- Okay, good, good. Just, you know...

Anyway, I'll grab my bike.

Where's my...

Oh, what's the matter?

Have you been the victim
of a senseless crime?

You took my bike.

You have any proof?

I don't need any proof.

Now you know how I feel.

Okay, I get it, I get it.

But you stole your child's
bicycle. You think about that.

This all could've ended
at two and a half, Josh,

but you had to take it to three.

Well, guess what,

you just took it to four.

It doesn't go to four.

It ends at three.

What did she do with my bike?

I'm not supposed to be talking to you.

Oh, come on, Dad.

Can't you just find a different friend

so we could put this bathroom
nonsense behind us?

You could do a lot worse
than Barry Stein.

I hear he almost never
wears his cape anymore.

Just get me my bike.

I can't!

Why not?

Because I made him an offer
he couldn't refuse.

Hunan Palace for Harry Roberts.

Thank you.

You sold me out for Peking duck?

Yes.

I knew I could make this happen.

If you mean paying me twice

to do one job, then hell yeah,
you're making it happen.

You just have to be finished

before Eve gets home in two hours.

Hey, how come you're lying
to your wife about this

and not something scandalous, like a...

like an affair or a gambling addiction,

or the fact that you got
really drunk one night

and got a tattoo of a butterfly
on your lower back?

No, hypothetically.

Just, you know,

the-the person Eve respects most
in the world is her dad.

He's this super handy guy
who can, like, build anything.

He's like a-a surgeon for houses.

You mean a-a carpenter?

The guy is a badass.

I mean, he has so many calluses,
the last time we shook hands,

mine started bleeding.

Hey. Hey, you're a badass, too.

You save lives on the regular.

That's true.

There's no shame in your game.

You're right.

You're damn right I'm right.

Thanks, man!

Hey, let me help you with this part.

Okay.

Hey, you know what,
why don't you just do step 47?

Yeah, sure, what's that?

Go get me an iced tea.

With a lemon wedge.

Oh, hey, and don't let me forget
to send you that GoPro video

- of you flipping over that boulder.
- All right, man. Full disclosure,

that was an accident; I
thought I was gonna die.

Full disclosure, I know.

The screaming gave you away.

Oh.

Oh, God.

You two can take the next one.

No, I don't think so.

She is not gonna ruin our fun.

How is this gonna be fun?

Come on.

This must be very awkward for you.

Not at all.

It's a little awkward for me.

You, uh, doing some laundry?

Uh, had to.

My clothes were bloodstained

from where you stabbed me in the back.

I'm just gonna get off here on three.

Mm, no, missed it.

I borrowed Andrew's bike.
Left it in Luke's Jeep,

'cause we're taking
another ride tomorrow.

To think of all the times
I've taken your side.

Oh, what are you talking about?

I'm talking about my camp
friend Jeanette Varney,

who said Blind Cop wasn't for her.

So I said she wasn't for me. Huh?

60 years of friendship, done.

Elevator is slow today.

Am I right?

You know what this would be like?

If I became friends
with Richie Mascarella.

Richie Mascarella?

The kid who peed in my
sleeping bag in eighth grade?

Yeah. How would you feel if he
and I went for a bicycle ride?

I don't know, Ma. Probably surprised

to see you on a bike.

Well, I would never do that to you. See?

Because if someone wrongs you,
they wrong me.

And if someone wrongs us,
they're dead to me.

So some dude peed in your sleeping bag?

Yeah. And everyone at that party
thought I peed myself.

- It was humiliating.
- Huh.

Hey. You believe I didn't
wreck your mom's bathroom,

I believe you didn't
wet your sleeping bag.

You see? This is what
being bros is all about.

Mm.

Man, your mom's scary.

I know.

All right, final piece.

Click it in. Okay. Hold on.

I-I just want to say, um,

this has been nice.
I think that, you know,

we learned a couple things
about each other, you know?

Mostly me about you.

You didn't ask me a damn thing about me,

but-but still, you know, it's...

Dude. Please. Before Eve comes home.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Okay, Okay.

- Here we go. There it is.
- Beautiful.

- Let's take it into Wyatt's room.
- All right, all right.

- All right. Huh?
- Didn't I tell you?

- Told you we'd get it done right.
- Yeah!

Oh. Good God.

- Wait.
- Okay.

- Hold on. We got this.
- Um, yeah.

I think, I think it's stuck.

I know it's definitely stuck.

Oh.

You know what? This might
be the perfect time

for you to get to know
me a little bit more.

Uh, for starters, did
you know I'm an art lover?

Dude, can we cover this another time?

We need to get this unstuck before...

Right. Your wife gets home. Yep, yep.

Hi, Nick.

Guess what? I built the Flergan,

and then Nick came up here
and got it stuck.

Oh!

Hey, that's called the umlan.

I cannot believe my mother
wants to apologize to us.

Thanks for agreeing
to come and hear her out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No problem.

This is not gonna be like
that movie Get Out, is it?

Good evening, gentlemen.

Nice to see you.

Yeah, I'm just gonna send
a quick text to a friend

so somebody knows where I am.

Joshua, you were right.

It's no reason not to be
friends with someone

just because they
wronged a family member.

Won't you please come in?

And say hello to my new
friend, Richie Mascarella.

Hey, Josh.

Hey, Richie.

You went and found him?

Richie has a carpet cleaning business,

so I've hired him to clean ours.

I got into cleaning fabrics
at a pretty young age.

And we've had such a
good time hanging out,

he's staying for tea.

So, Josh, how come you haven't accepted

any of my Facebook requests?

Uh, maybe because you peed
in my sleeping bag?

- I don't remember that.
- Well, I do, 'cause I was in it.

Well, I believe you, Richie.
And even if you did pee on Josh,

my friendship with you is more important
than my relationship with him.

Uh, what the hell is happening?

What's happening is my mother
is trying to get back at me

for being friends with you.

Because he ruined our bathroom.

Oh, my God, lady. No, I didn't.

If you saw it, you'd realize
it had to be you.

Well, then show me. Show me
this damage you think I caused.

With pleasure.

So, do you want me to
make the tea, or...?

No. I've made my point, you can go.

Occupied.

Look at the damage you caused.

And that's just the physical,
not the emotional.

Why are you so sure it was me?

Because you live above me
and I understand gravity.

Makes sense to me. Case closed.

Look, he said he didn't do it.

- Well, I know he did.
- I didn't!

- Oh, you're lying.
- You're nuts.

He did it!

- No, he didn't.
- Yes, he did.

No, I didn't.

- I did it!
- What?

It was me.

I did it!

What a relief.

Dad. You ruined the bathroom?

Harry, I don't understand.

What are you talking about?

I was trying out the handheld showerhead

you gave me for Father's Day,

when I saw a spider, so I sprayed him,

and he wouldn't budge.

Next morning,

there he was, same spot,
so I sprayed him again.

And let me tell you,

that dance continued day after day

until the whole thing was waterlogged.

And I realized the spider

was just a design in-in the wallpaper.

Why didn't you say something?

I didn't say something because
I'm deeply afraid of you.

Well, Ma.

Is there anything
you'd like to say to Luke?

Luke, I'm sorry.

For the e-mails and the letters

and the scoops of tuna

I tossed up onto your balcony.

You threw tuna on his balcony?

Well, sure, now that he's
innocent, it seems odd.

Apology accepted.

And what about me, Ma?

Are you also sorry about
everything you did to me?

Of course, but that goes without saying.

Yeah. I'd like you to say it.

I'm sorry.

- Aw, that's nice.
- Aw.

Oh.

Wyatt's really digging that Flergan.

Yeah. I'm sorry I couldn't build it.

Honey, I don't care
that you're not handy.

A: I married you for your body,

and B: building stuff is, like,

the one thing you're not good at.

I am great at literally everything else.

- You are.
- My SoulCycle instructor asked me

to lead the class the other day.

Oh, there's my guy.

Wha...?

I found the toolbox, by the way.

It's in my pants.

Oh, no.

Oh, hi, boys.

- What are you up to?
- Gonna watch some hoops.

Ah, I'm about to watch Cupcake Wars.

- Oh, I love Cupcake Wars.
- You do?

- Tonight's the...
- Red velvet showdown.

- You do.
- Anyway, we should probably...

You want to come in and watch?

You know I do.

You don't mind, do you, Josh?

Of course he doesn't, right?

But pizza and beer.

Ooh, how sweet of you.

Would you drop that, honey?

Yeah.